[Assistant]
# Losing Agency Post 02

Status: Blog Published
Episode Type: Article
Transcript File: ../../losing_agency_part2_draft.md
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

# Prompts

# Dissociation - Recording Prompts

## Overview

This post will bridge the gap between everyday dissociation (daydreaming, zoning out) and clinical dissociation (break from reality due to overwhelm). The goal: normalize the mild forms while explaining when it becomes a trauma response. Make it accessible to people who dissociate but don't realize that's what they're doing.

---

## Prompt 1: What Dissociation Actually Is (Layman's Version)

**Define dissociation in everyday terms first, before getting clinical.**

Start with the universal experience: Have you ever driven somewhere and not remembered the drive? Zoned out during a conversation and suddenly realized someone asked you a question? Daydreamed so hard you lost track of time?

That's dissociation. It's not always pathological. It's not always trauma. Sometimes it's just your brain's way of taking a break.

But where's the line between normal spacing out and something more serious? That's what we're exploring.

---

## Prompt 2: The Spectrum (Daydreaming → Checking Out → Break from Reality)

**Walk through the spectrum of dissociation from mild to severe.**

**Mild:** Daydreaming, highway hypnosis, losing yourself in a book/movie/game. You're still present, just absorbed elsewhere.

**Moderate:** Zoning out when overwhelmed, feeling detached from your body, going through motions without being "there." You're present physically but not mentally/emotionally.

**Severe:** Losing time, not remembering what you did, feeling like you're watching yourself from outside your body, reality feeling fake or dreamlike. This is clinical dissociation—your brain's emergency exit when reality is too much.

Where have you experienced dissociation on this spectrum? Give examples from your own life.

---

## Prompt 3: When Dissociation Becomes a Survival Tool

**Explain how dissociation shifts from spacing out to coping mechanism.**

For people with trauma, chronic stress, depression, or overwhelming circumstances, dissociation becomes automatic. Your brain learns: "This is too much. I'm checking out."

When did dissociation become a survival tool for you? Was it during the car months? During the marriage collapse? Childhood? When reality became unbearable, where did your mind go?

And here's the key question: Did dissociation *protect* you, or did it make things worse by disconnecting you from what you needed to address?

---

## Prompt 4: What Dissociation Feels Like in the Moment

**Describe the physical and mental experience of dissociating.**

What does it feel like in your body? Numbness? Floating? Heavy? Disconnected from your limbs?

What does it feel like in your mind? Foggy? Blank? Like you're behind glass watching yourself? Like the world isn't real?

Give specific examples. "I remember sitting in my car and suddenly realizing an hour had passed and I had no idea what I'd been thinking about." "I'd be in a conversation and hear myself talking but feel like someone else was controlling my mouth."

Make it visceral so readers who dissociate recognize themselves.

---

## Prompt 5: Dissociation vs. Other Coping Mechanisms

**How is dissociation different from masking, hypervigilance, or functional depression?**

- **Masking** = performing normalcy while struggling internally (you're *present* but hiding)
- **Hypervigilance** = being hyper-present, scanning constantly (you're *too* present)
- **Functional depression** = showing up and doing what needs doing despite depression (you're present but exhausted)
- **Dissociation** = *not being present at all*—your mind leaves the situation

When do you dissociate vs. mask? When does dissociation kick in when hypervigilance fails? How do they interact?

---

## Prompt 6: When to Worry and What Helps

**Talk about when dissociation becomes a problem and what's helped you manage it.**

**When to worry:**

- You're losing significant chunks of time
- You can't remember important conversations or events
- You feel disconnected from reality more often than not
- Dissociation is interfering with work, relationships, or safety

**What helps (from your experience):**

- Grounding techniques (5 senses, physical touch, cold water)
- Recognizing dissociation when it's happening ("I'm dissociating right now")
- Addressing the overwhelm that triggers it (therapy, reducing stressors, building safety)
- Meditation and mindfulness (your 30,000+ minutes of practice)

What's worked for you? What hasn't? What do you wish someone had told you earlier?

---

## Notes for Recording

- Lead with the universal (daydreaming) so people don't immediately think "this isn't me"
- Build to the clinical (trauma response) so people recognize when it's gone beyond normal
- Use concrete examples from your life—car months, isolation, overwhelm
- Normalize mild dissociation while acknowledging when it becomes concerning
- Connect to other posts: dissociation as the response when masking fails, when hypervigilance exhausts you, when functional depression collapses, when you lose agency and reality becomes unbearable

---

**This one's lighter than Losing Agency but still important. Record when you're ready.**

# Audio Recordings

Losing agency of your life. Who was I before everything got erased? Father, husband, designer, coach. What roles gave you identity, self-worth, self-value? Don't idealize it, just describe it as it was. What did your daily life look like
when you had agency over it? What choices did you make? What did you control? Paint the picture of your life you had before the erasure. Okay, I'm going to keep this as high level as possible so I don't go on forever into detail. So if I do go off on a tangent, I'll stop myself when I realize it and I will tell you
where to join back to it. So who was I before everything got erased? Well, I was married at the time of separation. I had been married 22 years. I was a dad or I am a dad, I still am. A father, I raised three
boys who are now all young men, the youngest of which is 19, the oldest is 25. And my profession was at was or is, I still am a designer. But that's what
I did professionally to make money. And I was a coach, a soccer coach for five years from 2014 until 2019. So yeah, 2014.
Those five years. And what I found, obviously being on the other side, that all of these roles gave me my entire identity. I had no identity separate from my role.
I derived what self worth I had and what self value I had from my roles as a husband, a father, professionally as a designer and as a soccer coach.
I started playing video games since I was seven and I started coaching when I was 44. So that was I feel, looking back, a good choice to coach my youngest son
from nothing. And within three years, we won the league, we nearly had an undefeated season. We were 11 wins and one loss. So I got a lot from that identity as a coach. And I got a lot
of identity from being a dad, because my guys are awesome and I love them so very much. I'm not going to idealize that. But suffice it to say, what I discovered is that in those roles and when raising kids, life felt very busy. So
looking back, I feel as though I lost myself, like my real self, in those roles. And I would not or I did not know who I was outside of those roles when I was back in them, when that existed for me. That was my existence.
So my daily life when, let's say, we were in the middle of raising kids, this would have been like 2010 to 2012, say. A normal day would be wake up, get the kids up, get them fed, get them ready for school or help them get ready for school, take them to school. Then I would come back.
And be able to do my design work. Then I would have to pick up the kids from school. Mid afternoon, I would either bring them home or if they had some afternoon activity, I'd take them to that. Then I'd go back and work more, a couple more hours. And
then it'd be dinner time. Then after dinner, I spent time with the family and with the kids until it was time to read stories and go to bed. And reading stories to my boys every night when they were, you know, wee little toddlers until, you know, through grade school,
until basically junior high when, when they would go, it would just, I never felt awkward to me, but they were like, there was a sense that I'm too old for this, which is fine. I get it. So yeah, that's kind of what my life looked like when I had agency over it.
And I'm, you know, I made a choice to be extremely active in my, all of my boys upbringing in their daily lives. I was a big part of that and I'm glad that I did that. I have a lot of good memories when, you know, I have time and space and a calmness to be able to pull
them up. So yeah. What did I control? I controlled whether or not I worked sometimes. For example, in the afternoon, I could take the dog and go for a three mile hike in the foothills of the Los Padres National Forest, a beautiful area.
Very hot and dry in the summertime, but in the winter, this time of year, it's January right now. It's kind of idyllic. The temps are in the sixties, low seventies. So going up a hike and a very high peak is much easier to do or to take on climbing up a canyon. So I also
saw myself as like an avid hiker. I lost my identity in that and I got self-worth out of that. And being a husband, because one of the choices I made was to be actively supportive of
my spouse's desire, drive, wish. I don't know what to call it, but she wanted to qualify for the World Championships in Kona, Hawaii, the Ironman World Championships. And in order to do that, you got to finish top three to five at a regular Ironman
race and training for an Ironman is incredibly time consuming. So she had to train a lot and I'd watch the boys, which is totally fine. Like I said, I, I'm happy to be with my guys and
the choice I made was that I didn't have enough self-value and self-worth to speak up for myself in terms of wanting time alone with her, just me and her. So we could keep
the relationship alive, you know, the relationship we had before we had kids and we were young and I mean, we had so much fun. Fucking crying now. I had a really great fucking life.
Even if I was lost in all of that, it was truly idyllic location. My ex-wife is incredibly beautiful inside and out. She's an Ironman World Champion now and she's an incredible equestrian.
It's as if she can mind meld with horses. She's incredibly talented artist and an amazing mom. And I really miss her.
So that was the before version of my life before I lost it at all. So what walk you through the two months when it all came apart, one side living in the home with the family, the other side, your belongings and storage living in your car,
camping at state campgrounds until you ran out of money. What were the specific moments or decisions yours or not yours that moved you from one side to the other? How fast did it happen? Was there a single day when you realized the whiteboard had been erased? What did you like to wait? Why did it feel like to watch your life disappear while you were still in it? Okay, here we go.
I had to wipe off my tears. My face was full of it. So the separation took place in where I actually moved out of the house.
Was June of 2023. The middle of or second week of June, I moved out. Leading up to me being out of the house at the second week of June. The I'd say three to six weeks prior.
Was a process of slowly removing my belongings from the house, backing it in boxes and bringing it down into the garage and staging it. And then I would load the car with as much stuff as I could and drive into town and unload my stuff into a storage unit. And I did that for weeks.
And it was a keep stuff, giveaway stuff and trash stuff. So there was a good purge, too. So, yeah, leading up to actually having all my shit out and actually pulling out of the driveway. That was the second week of June. And it was really hard to pull out of the driveway that last time and go to
the go to the local campground. So. It would have been. Twenty twenty one in July was. When. Is what we consider the official
separation is July of twenty twenty one. I'd like to not mention that in in this at all. And in fact. Thinking about it, I I don't would like you not to go into a lot of detail about. How much I miss my ex-wife and. And how much I love her, I mean, I should.
Feel free to express that. But I know that she reads this and. I'm unsure how it would be received, so I'd rather not. Create trouble when there doesn't need to be any. So.
July twenty twenty one and by twenty twenty two. I voluntarily decided to move out of the house. Because my ex did not feel safe in the house with me any longer.
I was never violent towards her, so I'm unsure why she felt unsafe. And I'd like none of that mentioned, please. So. My boys saw me move out, pack my stuff and.
Move out. My oldest son was very was upset. And he. Sided with his mom fully and. In his eyes, I'm to blame, but I didn't want the divorce and I made that very clear to him. I said if. In order to get your story straight, you need to go sit down with your mom. And ask her questions.
Because I've told you, I did not want this divorce. I wanted to go to couples counseling and work through it and heal it, heal the marriage and. Have an even more incredible life together than we had. I was wanting to take it all to the next level. Because I knew we could do it.
I was also made some promises. And. Her mind changed a few times. And in those moments and decisions were, which were not mine. They.
Psychologically and metaphorically moved me from one side. To the other. So. The moving out, like I said. Three to six weeks prior to that second week of June. And then.
It was surreal to pack my shit. And move it out of the house. In. Twenty twenty three. Because. I had moved into that house in two thousand and eight. When my youngest son was two. And I moved out.
His senior year of high school. At his mom's request. In hindsight, I. I. Should not have done that. I should have requested to stay living there. Separately in a separate room. I'd be fine with that. And. Get to stay there through my son's senior year.
I was there for his both his brothers. For educational time. I'm I regret not asking. To have that time. With him. Which would have given me time with the other guys too. So. It was really surreal. You know what I. And when I think about it.
Day to day. I was. Really dissociated and very numb because it was the only way I could survive. I know that when I was moving stuff to storage. I would cry a lot in the car on the way down there. Moving the stuff in and out. You know, moving it into the storage unit. Driving back up. When I was alone by myself.
I was there for most of that time. Yeah. Yeah. I was weeping. I was crying for. The life I was losing. I was very aware of it as it was happening. But at the same time, it was so painful. I. I had to dissociate.
So, yeah, I started camping at the campground. I camped there for a few days. And then. I stayed. I actually stayed for a little bit. And then what I decided to do was drive to across the country. And I headed towards Colorado to be with cousins and aunts who live there.
So. What does it feel like. To have every role gone at once. To lose everything that defined me simultaneously. The. Idea of. Being uprooted comes to mind.
I mean by that is the way you would. Pull weeds out of a garden. And because you want to get it roots and all. And I've done that enough times to know. But by enough times, I mean, we did the. Weeding a garden. That. I've uprooted a lot of plants. So. You know, with I had roots there.
I had lived. At that location longer than 2008. I had been there. Since. Before the turn of the century, I had been on that. In that location for. Nearly a quarter of a century. And I had to move away from it. I move out. So that really hurt. So.
What was left. You know, I was really lost and I was really numb. I. I. Was numb and then slowly the awareness that I. Was not going to be a husband anymore. Obviously that dawned on me. I cried pretty much. I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night.
Because. I was grieving for everything I lost. Losing. My home and location where I had spent. At that time. Just about half of my life. So. It fucking hurt. Deeply.
Like a. Japanese warrior who does harikiri with the samurai sword. They have that ceremony where they ultimately take the sword and put it through themselves just below the sternum and.
It's a gutting. That's what I. I felt gutted. And it was like a combination of numbness and this weird vacuum. That. I was losing these things and. I realized suddenly there was this gigantic space. Inside of me. And. I realized.
Oh, I'm not a coach anymore. I'm not. Being active. I'm not actively a father day in day out. Up until the day I moved out of there. I had been with my boys every single fucking day of their lives. Crying. It's quite emotional.
Because when I say it, it brings it all back. So. Even though. I was still my boy's father. I psychologically mentally my psyche. I felt like. My being a father.
Was stripped away from me because I couldn't be a part of their daily lives anymore. So. I was left with a big empty hole and I didn't know who I was. So. You know who was I didn't know I was asking myself that very question. Who am I. Who am I. And I didn't
I didn't know the answer. I couldn't even tell you. You know. What some of my favorite things were. I. Someone said it today. And it was a beautiful way of putting it. I was the pit crew for everybody else's life. And mine just kind of got left by the wayside. That's when I said.
I lost myself in being a father and being a husband and being a coach. That's what I mean. I didn't have an identity that was separate from those things. So when I lost those things. It was like losing. Losing my entire being. Or. That's how I felt at that time. Only later did I realize what I lost was.
Ego identity that I had. Lived into. And I psychologically fell into a hole into each of those things and lost connection with my inner self and my. Self that is separate from all other things. And of course I realize all this now.
So when people ask what do I do or tell me about yourself. What do I say when those old answers are gone. I'm honest with them. They say what do you do. I say right now I'm rebuilding my life. My life fell apart. And then tell me about yourself is the same thing. I say that recently divorced.
I lost my home. I lost my daily role as a father. I lost. What little finances I had because I spent it on food and campgrounds and the stuff of daily living. And. And traveling because I traveled to the East Coast.
To visit my. Family I grew up with. So. I don't want to go into any more of the East Coast stuff. So. I'm going to stop there for now. That's a half an hour.

# Transcripts

# Drafts & Edits

# Final Version

# Losing Agency Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe

*This is Part 2 of a 3-part series. [Read Part 1: The Erasure here.](../Transcripts/Losing%20Agency%20Part2%202f7ffa30cf0b80188f65f392f41fee72.md)*

---

When the campground money ran out, I didn't cross a line.
I just... stopped pretending there was one.

I'd been camping in my car at state campgrounds—$25 a night, sometimes $30. Showers, bathrooms, picnic tables. Structure. A receipt that said I was paying for something, which made it feel legit.

But by late 2023, December to be exact, the money math stopped working.

I could charge my electric car, or I could eat, or I could pay the campground fee.

Pick two.

I needed to move. I needed to eat.
So the campground lost.

And once I went to the street, I never got back off it until I drove to Colorado 10 months later.

---

## The Shift Nobody Sees

Here's what's strange: I didn't feel like I crossed a threshold.

There was no moment where I thought, *"**This is it. I'm homeless now.**"*

It just... happened.

One night I parked on a residential street near a shopping center in Ventura, California.

Setup the shades over the windows like I always did.
Reorganized my gear, flattened the back seats like I always did.
Slept in the back diagonally like I always did.
Woke up at 6 a.m. like I always did.

Same routine. Different context.
But my brain knew.

Even if I didn't consciously register it, something shifted.

## Because suddenly, I had awareness around a loss of dignity I hadn't felt before.

At the campground, I could say, "I'm camping." That's a thing people do. Recreational. Intentional. There's a whole industry around it.

On the street? I was homeless. Officially. No receipt to prove other than my stories, my experience, what I can tolerate and get thru, and my respect for someone else’s existence.

The structure of what society deems “normal life” was gone.

And when structure disappears, your ability to understand, accept, process, and move beyond your situation, under your own agency collapses with it.

I wasn't in control of that shift in dignity. It just organically happened.

I was aware of it and powerless to stop it at the same time.

It was something I didn’t see coming, and it impacted me and my life in ways that would never of happened otherwise.

---

## The Two Worlds

Here's what nobody tells you about being homeless while you still look like you're not:

You exist in two realities simultaneously.

### **Reality 1**

You're living in your car. You don't know where you're sleeping tonight. You have no address, no stability, no safety net, and maybe no money. Every decision is survival. Every dollar is calculated. You are outside the system. You are outside the snowglobe of society.

### **Reality 2**

You can still walk into a Starbucks, buy a coffee, sit at a table with your laptop, and look exactly like everyone else in there. You're clean. You don’t smell, You're dressed normally. You have a device. You're doing "work." Nobody knows you’re a homeless guy who could mentally crumble from a slight breeze. Holding it together all the time in public spaces was sometimes quite difficult.

To see the level of entitlement combined with willfull ignorace of others—as if invisible—was disgusting. I’ve always been repulsed by

### And that duality is disorienting in a way that's hard to explain.

Every morning, I'd wake up in my car between 6 and 7 a.m. First thing: start the car, pull down the window shades, make sure I didn't have bed hair. Start streaming a podcast, then I'd drive to the Starbucks near the shopping center.

I'd scrape together four bucks—just enough for a regular coffee. Make sure I got my points towards a free coffee (and those were) Free refills if you stay. Wi-Fi if you have a laptop. I was fortunate to still have mine.

### So I'd sit there. For hours. Sometimes until 3 p.m.

I'd apply for jobs. Rewrite my resume. Rebuild my website. Work on my own projects. I was *doing things.* Productive things. The same things I'd done when I had a home and a life. However I was unemployed for the longest stretch of time in my life. So I had to look for things to distract, and working on the laptop was an easy go to.

And it was a coping strategy. A distortion, if you will.

### I was pretending I was still part of society.

I was still engaged with people who were working, contributing, participating.

I needed to subconsciously believe I still belonged in that ‘bubble.’

I was painfully aware of how outside I was on a moment by moment basis, so consciously I was being hammered by internal negative self talk dialogue informing me that the present state of affairs was certainly enough data to prove I “wasn’t good enough.”

Because if I WAS good enough I would clearly not find myself where I am.

Sitting outside of everything I grew up inside of, the American Dream; you have to be asleep to believe in it.

---

## The Snow Globe

Imagine a snow globe.

You know the kind—shake it, and all the little white flakes swirl around inside. There's a scene in there. A little house, maybe some trees, a tiny figure. Life happening inside a contained, protected space.

That's what it felt like watching everyone else, day after day, week after week, month after month.

I was outside the snow globe. Observing. Watching all the activity inside—people going to work, running errands, grocery shopping, meeting friends for lunch or coffee, living their lives.

### The world kept turning. Life kept happening. But I wasn't in it anymore.

I was the guy standing outside, looking in. Watching through the glass at everyone else living, not simply existing.

And here's the really disorienting part: **I could still walk into the snow globe whenever I wanted, and no one knew I was from outside.**

I could go into Starbucks. Sit at a table. Order a coffee. Be surrounded by people. And for a few hours, I could almost convince myself I was inside it again.

But I wasn't. Not really. And I felt that acutely every single day.

Because at 3 p.m., I'd pack up my laptop, walk out to my car, and drive to the beach or the supermarket to kill a few more hours before finding somewhere to park for the night.

And in those moments—alone in my car, trying to figure out where I'd sleep—the illusion would crack, and it would hit me hard.  I'd remember where I really am. Not anywhere I would have imagined my entire life.

---

## The Weight of the Duality

Living in two worlds at once is exhausting in a way most people never experience.

When you're in the coffee shop, you're performing normalcy.

Masking homelessness. Pretending you belong. Keeping your shoulders back, your face neutral, your laptop open like you have somewhere to be later.

But underneath that performance, you know the truth.

You're counting dollars. You're calculating how long you can stay before leaving, before someone notices you’ve been around an awkwardly long time. You don’t want to raise someones suspicion you are homeless.

You're aware that everyone around you is going home tonight to a bed, a kitchen, a roof, a door that locks—and you're not.

And that awareness creates this weird emotional static.

You're present but not present. Participating but not participating.

Its a unique type of dissociation.

Sometimes I'd be sitting in a coffee shop in Boulder—50, 60 people around me, two stories, big open space—and I'd suddenly feel this crushing sense of isolation. Not loneliness. Isolation. Like I was wearing a costume, pretending to be one of them when I wasn't.

### I was inside the reality bubble, but I didn't belong there.

My *actual* reality was the guy outside asking for spare change, looking in longingly at everyone having coffee, conversation, and friendship.

That thought—*I'm closer to the guy outside than the people in here*—would hit me, and I'd have to sit with it. Pretend I was fine. Keep typing. Keep existing.

And sometimes it was all too much to bear. I would find myself going to the restroom to cry for one minute because something triggered the enormity of my dilemma and it would slap me in the face all at once. Hard not to have emotion. Sometimes I’d have to leave and go to the car and cry before I could drive myself somewhere, I simply didnt know where.

---

## What I Distorted, What I Deleted

Tony Robbins says we're "Distortion-Deletion Creatures."

We distort current reality to cope. We delete what's too painful to hold.

> Here's what I distorted: I'm still part of this. I still belong. If I just keep showing up, keep working, keep applying for jobs, I'll get back in.
>

> Here's what I deleted: I'm homeless. I've been unemployed for over two years. I've applied to 2000+ jobs and gotten under five interviews. The system doesn't want me. And I have no idea when—or if—this ends.
>

### The enormity of losing everything at once was too much to process.

Losing my home, my marriage, my daily role as a father, my income, my quarter-century location, my identity—that's not one thing.

That's *all the things.*

So I focused on one thing at a time.

Today, I need coffee.

Today, I need to apply for three jobs.

Today, I need to find a safe place to park.

I deleted the big picture because holding it all at once would have crushed me.

This became my normal. In that normal there was nothing beyond a 24 to 36 hour timeline.

There was no planning for any kind of future, or even next week.

You simply had no idea what the next 12 hours would bring your way.

And the coffee shop ritual?

That was the distortion. It let me pretend—for a few hours every day—that I was still inside the snow globe.

Still working.
Still contributing.
Still *somebody.*

Even though I knew I wasn't.

---

## The Isolation Paradox

You'd think being surrounded by people every day would make you feel less alone.

It doesn't. It made the sense of isolation far worse in my case.

Because when you live outside the snow globe, proximity to other people highlights the distance.

You're physically close but existentially in another universe—separate.

I isolated from everyone.

Not just people "inside the bubble," but also other homeless people.

I didn't want to acknowledge what we had in common at first because of shame.

I didn't want to see myself in them out of fear. Fear I would be stuck there.

So I stayed in my car. Went to Starbucks alone. Ate alone. Parked alone. Slept alone.

The duality of being surrounded by life while living outside it became my default state.

And it was exhausting.

Disorienting.

Soul-crushing in a way I'm still trying to find words for.

It hurt in ways I lack the language for.

---

## This Is Part 2 of 3

This is what it's like to live outside the snow globe. To exist in two realities at once. To perform normalcy while knowing you're simply not.

But this isn't where it ends.

**In Part 3**, we'll explore what agency actually remains when you're living outside the system.

What you can control versus what controls you.

The difference between distortion as survival and distortion as self-deception.

And what it means to try to rebuild when you're still not sure which world you belong in.

For now, know this: **I'm still here. I survived living outside the snow globe. I’ve accepted the duality in order to understand it better.**

And I'm documenting it so you know you can too.

---

**Part 3 coming Thursday.**

**Be well.**

# Awareness Content

All material for this Post

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Losing Agency Post 02 2f7ffa30cf0b80f3affdf3b63dcad2fe.md

Losing Agency Post 02


[Assistant]
# Losing Agency Post 03

Status: Blog Published
Episode Type: Article
Transcript File: ../../losing_agency_part3_draft.md
Audio is…: recorded
Done?: Not started
Urgency: High
Video Status: Interesting Topic

# Prompts

# Audio Recordings

# Transcripts

# Drafts & Edits

# Final Version

# **Losing Agency Part 3: What Remains?**

*This is **Part 3** of a **3-part series**. [Read Part 1: The Erasure](http://localhost:49622/Statico4uvmVxB/externalProject/losing_agency_part3_draft.md#) | [Read Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe](http://localhost:49622/Statico4uvmVxB/externalProject/losing_agency_part3_draft.md#)*

---

When everything got stripped away—marriage, daily fatherhood, income, home, location, all sense of identity—people kept telling me I still had choices. What? What choices?

<aside>

*You can control your attitude.*

*You can choose how you respond.*

*You still have agency over your perspective.*

</aside>

And technically? They're not wrong.

But here's what they don't understand:
**when external circumstances remove your options,
the agency that remains isn't enough to rebuild a life.**

It's enough to survive. Maybe.

But not enough to escape.

---

## **The Disco Ball**

I think about one’s agency like a disco ball. You know—covered in tiny mirrors reflecting light at a specific angles while spinning in the center of the room. To see your reflection clearly in any one mirror, you have to be lined up with it “just right.” Most of the time, you only see fragments of yourself. Distorted pieces. Incomplete images.

The ‘disco ball’ metaphor is how I approach problems, situations, or circumstances. How much of this do I see clearly? How much am I missing?  What am I not aware that I don't know?When people say "*you still have choices*," they're looking at **one** mirror on the disco ball. Maybe two.

They see what is visibly clear to them *attitude, perspective, mindset* and assume that's the complete picture. But they're not seeing what I'm seeing from where I'm standing. They're not accounting for the angles they can't see. The reflections that aren't visible to them.

So when they say I still have agency, what they mean is:

*"From where I'm standing, **I can see options you're not taking**."*

**What they don't realize is that from where I'm standing, those options don't exist.**

---

## **Agency You Have vs. Don't Have**

Let me be specific.

### **Agency I Had**

- **My attitude** — I could choose to see my situation as temporary (*distortion*) or permanent (*reality*). I could frame it as a challenge to overcome or a collapse I'd never recover from.
- **My daily routine** — I could go to Starbucks or stay in my car.  I could apply for jobs or give up. I could shower at the campground (*when I had money*) or let hygiene slip.
- **My perspective** — I could tell myself "I'm still part of society, just camping" or acknowledge "I'm homeless and the **system doesn't want me**."
- **My voice** — I could speak up, ask for help, reach out to family. Or I could isolate and suffer alone.

That was my agency. I controlled those things. They mattered.

### **Agency I Didn't Have**

- **Other people's decisions —** My ex-wife chose to end the marriage. Employers chose not to hire me. Landlords wouldn't rent to someone with no income. Those weren't my choices.
- **Economic reality** — 2000+ job applications, under five interviews. 30 months unemployed despite [decades of experience](https://bertmahoney.com). The market didn't care. I couldn't force it to.
- **Structural barriers** — No home = no mailing address = harder to get hired. No mailing address = no support services from county, state or fed = no medicaid, no snap, no nothing. No income = no apartment. No car insurance = risk of losing transportation. Can't shower regularly = harder to interview. It's a trap with no exit.
- **Time —** I couldn't undo the past. Couldn't skip ahead to be "*back on my feet,*" or “*healed & recovered*” or “*feeling like I belong.*” I was stuck in the present, isolated between 2 worlds, day after day, with no clear path forward. I had no idea when anything would change, or if it ever would. I woke up every morning telling myself, “maybe today my luck will change”
- **My nervous system** — Depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, dissociation—I didn't choose those. They were responses to circumstances I didn't control. I could manage them (meditation, therapy when accessible), but **I couldn't turn them off**.

So yes, I had agency over my attitude and daily choices. But I **did not** have agency over the circumstances that trapped me in survival mode.

---

## **The Difference Between "Bad Choices" and "Ground Disappearing"**

I’ve heard it said many times, "*You always have a choice*." And I get it. That's empowering language. It puts you in the driver's seat. It means you're not a victim—you're an agent. But there's a difference between **"having a choice"** and **"the ground disappeared beneath me and I couldn't stop the fall."**

### Having a choice means you have agency.

- choosing to quit your job.
- choosing to spend money.
- choosing to ignore people.

Those are decisions. Those are things someone could control and could own.

### Ground disappearing looked like this for me.

I moved out in June 2023 at my—then—spouses request. I didn't want the divorce. I wanted couples counseling. I wanted to heal the marriage. You need two people to want their marriage. That wasn't possible.

I have applied to well over 2000 jobs. The market says I'm “overqualified,” "*too expensive,*" "*too experienced,*" or ghosted. The market says, we’ve decided to “go in another direction.” I can't force someone to hire me. That's not my choice.

I lived in my car for 16 months not because I wanted to, but because I had no other option at the time. No income, no backup = no apartment. That's circumstance in California. I couldn't plan beyond 24-36 hours when living in the car because I didn't know many things: where I'd sleep, how or where I'd eat, or if something would not work out, or go wrong—and if it did, hopefully not catastrophic.

Survival mode doesn't allow for long-term planning. That's not a choice—that's biology moving into ‘lizard brain’ mode.

---

### **This is the distinction people miss:**

When you're in survival mode, the ground isn't under your feet.

You're in freefall.

Telling someone in freefall to "choose a better attitude" is akin to thinking they could flap their arms and fly.

It’s similar to people equating  clinical depression with “*feeling sad.*”

Both are not helpful.

Both are insulting.

---

## **What Agency Actually Remains**

So what's left when everything's been stripped away?

**Not much. But it's not nothing.**

Here's what I had control over, even at the lowest point:

---

### **1. How I see my situation (perspective)**

I could choose to believe my situation was temporary or permanent.
That I'd recover or I wouldn't. That I was still "me" or that I'd *lost myself completely*.

That is real agency. And it mattered. Because the story I told myself shaped whether I kept trying, or completely gave up on life.

But here's the catch: **changing your perspective doesn't change your circumstances.**

I could tell myself "I'm still valuable, I'm still competent, I'll get through this" all day long.

But that didn't put a roof over my head. It didn't get me a job. It didn't undo the collapse.

Perspective is agency. But it's not *enough* agency to rebuild.

---

### **2. Small daily actions** (routine)

I could choose to go to Starbucks or not (money dependent). Apply for jobs or not. Shower or not. Eat or not.

These were choices. Small ones. But they added up.

Every day at Starbucks, I pretended I was still part of society.

That was a distortion. It wasn’t true—but it kept me sane, it was also survival.

It kept me from feeling like I had disappeared.

---

### **3. Who I reach out to (connection)**

I could self-isolate or ask for help. I could tell my extended family what was happening or hide it.

I could engage with other homeless people or avoid them.

I mostly isolated. Out of shame. Out of fear. Out of exhaustion.

But that was still agency. I chose isolation because connection felt too risky, too vulnerable, too much.

Was it a good choice? No. But it was mine.

---

## **The Trap of "Just Choose Better"**

Here's what people don't get when they say "you still have choices":

**When your options are all awful, choosing between them isn't agency—it's triage.**

<aside>

Do I eat today or charge my car?

Do I stay in a place that feels unsafe or drive somewhere else and burn gas I can't afford?

Do I apply for another job I won't get or save my energy for something else?

</aside>

Those aren't choices in any meaningful sense. Those are survival calculations.

And when every option is a losing option, telling me I "still have agency" feels like gaslighting.

Because yes, technically, I get it I'm choosing something.

But I'm not *steering.* I'm trying not to fall into a spiral of self-hate or being on ‘the dark side.’

---

## **Distortion as Survival vs. Self-Deception**

Tony Robbins says we're "*Distortion-Deletion Creatures.*"

We distort reality to cope. We delete what's too painful to process.

I did that constantly.

<aside>

**Distortion as survival:** Going to Starbucks every day and pretending I was still part of society.

Telling myself "this is temporary" when I had no evidence it would end.

Framing job applications as progress when they led nowhere other than compounding my mega-tons of rejection.

</aside>

It really sucked when I’d have moments to snap me out of the spell that kept me alive. It kept me from completely giving up. It was adaptive based on time, place, mood, surroundings.

<aside>

**Distortion as self-deception:** Believing I still had the same agency I had before.

Telling myself "*I just need to try harder*" when the problem wasn't effort—it was circumstance.

Blaming myself for things I couldn't control.

</aside>

That hurt me a LOT. It reinforced the core "*not good enough*" story going back to my kindergarten days.

It kept me stuck in shame instead of acknowledging the structural reality I was inside of…

> the system ***doesn't** want me*, and no amount of effort *will **change** that*.
>

<aside>

The line between survival distortion and harmful self-deception is thin.

And I crossed it a lot.

</aside>

Which brings me back to the question that’s haunted me all along.

## **Who Am I Now?**

In **Part 1**, I asked: *Who am I when all my roles are gone?*

In **Part 2**, I described what it's like to live outside the snow globe while pretending to be inside it.

Now, in **Part 3**, I'm asking: **What agency do I actually have to rebuild?**

And the honest answer is: **Not as much as people think.**

But it’s more than I thought when at my lowest.

### I have agency over:

- How I see myself (even when the world sees me differently)
- How I spend my limited energy (even when all options suck)
- Who I connect with (even when connection feels impossible. I still self-isolate far too much)
- The story I tell about what happened (even when the story is painful)

### I don't have agency over:

- Other people's choices
- Economic systems that reject me
- Time (I can't skip ahead to "recovered")
- Circumstances that keep me trapped

### **Agency isn't binary. It's not "you have it" or "you don't."**

It's more nuanced than that, like having a spectrum of many options. And where you land on that spectrum depends on how many options you actually have—not how many options **people think you should have**.

When I had a home, a job, a marriage, daily fatherhood—I had a lot of agency. I could steer my life when not deeply depressed.

When I lost all of that? My agency shrunk to: attitude, daily routine, perspective. That's real and matters. However it's not enough to escape the triggers, traps, or escape the dark side.

At times it's just enough to survive it. Maybe.

If you're lucky. If you don't give up.

---

## **This Is Part 3 of 3.**
This is what remains when everything's been stripped away.

Not nothing. But not enough. Agency over perspective. Agency over small daily choices. Agency over how you frame your story.

But not agency over the systems, structures, and circumstances that put you outside the snow globe in the first place.

I'm rebuilding. I'm well into figuring out who I am when I'm not an in-person father, a husband, a designer (cog in financial machine), Soccer Coach.

I'm learning what it means to have limited agency, and work within limits without blaming myself for things I can't control.

It's slow. It's hard. Some days everything goes backwards. I fall into a dark hole and I’m overwhelmed that this is all still ongoing all these years later. And some days, I'm not sure I'm making progress at all.

But I'm still here.

I survived the ego erasure.

I survived living outside the snow globe.

And I'm sharing it so you know you are not alone in experiencing things like this; we’re all human.

---

**Be well.**

# Awareness Content

All material for this Post

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Losing Agency Post 03 2f7ffa30cf0b80dfb2e4dcceeeb0518d.md

Losing Agency Post 03


[Assistant]
# Loving Inner Parent

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Loving Inner Parent 211ffa30cf0b8038b7d7edd879b31ad3.md

Loving Inner Parent


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# Masking Post (Final Draft) — First post in depression series; defined masking as survival performance, included kindergarten photo story, published Sunday.

Status: Blog Published
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Published @: Barely But Here
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Masking Post (Final Draft) — First post in depress 2f2ffa30cf0b801a8f8af8147cb50d13.md

Masking Post (Final Draft) — First post in depression series; defined masking as survival performance, included kindergarten photo story, published Sunday.


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# Mental Filtering

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Mental Filtering 211ffa30cf0b805caef3e20915b3b038.md

Mental Filtering


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# Mind Reading

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Mind Reading 211ffa30cf0b8027b2f0d74d0e78d4cb.md

Mind Reading


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# Name Calling

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Name Calling 211ffa30cf0b80d1963cf3c64d845e53.md

Name Calling


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# Optimism

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Optimism 211ffa30cf0b8090b673fd5f367815ca.md

Optimism


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# Overgeneralizations

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Overgeneralizations 211ffa30cf0b8018995ce16800377eb3.md

Overgeneralizations


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# Personalization

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Personalization 211ffa30cf0b808fa416d50ed01776e4.md

Personalization


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# Rational

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Rational 211ffa30cf0b80929195f1c29dd27e96.md

Rational


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# Rules, Shoulds & Musts

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Rules, Shoulds & Musts 211ffa30cf0b8082a440fa2825dd5ad7.md

Rules, Shoulds & Musts


[Assistant]
# Start Here Page

Status: Blog Published
Audio is…: archived
Done?: In progress
Urgency: Extremely
Video Status: Interesting Topic

# **Start Here for Barely, But Here.**

This page will help you get oriented to the content available inside this space.

---

### **A Note for Your Safety**

My project covers heavy topics: depression, suicidal ideation, trauma, loss, grief, and homelessness. I present it honestly because sanitizing it would defeat the purpose. This may be potentially triggering and I wanted you to be informed before reading something you wish you hadn’t. You know yourself better than anyone.

**You can now make an informed choice to continue.**

If you're not up for this content right now, all good. This will be here when you're ready.

**If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out to 988.** The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

I've called them myself. They met me where I was.
aI felt supported and could move forward. They are good people.

---

## **Welcome. I'm Bert.**

My content is documentation of lived experience—over four decades of depression, heavy loss, grief, isolation, suicidal ideation, survival, 16 months of homelessness living in a car, and the slow work of rebuilding a person and life.

**This is not clinical advice.**

It's not a polished recovery story (at least not yet).

And it's definitely not inspiration porn.

I'm writing the parts most people edit out.

The messy, uncomfortable truths that largely remain unsaid and unshared among fellow humans.

---

## **What Is This About?**

What I've found in sharing my experience is a web of interconnectedness at a very deep level for humans. It's typically called the "human experience."

An overwhelming majority of humans do not share their experiences with others, for a wide variety of reasons.

What I'm exploring here is the interwoven shared experiences we all have simply from being human. Happiness, sadness, joy, grief, embarrassment, shame, guilt—these are universal. They're triggered from different places, spaces, and times. The constant is the deeper feelings that surface once you can sit with them.

My experience has taught me that most people are good and friendly. However, there always seems to be a point at which they barricade themselves. Unwilling to share more. That's most likely rooted in feelings of guilt or shame around the sharing, and discomfort sitting with what’s “behind one’s curtain.”

The "editing" that happens—whether conscious or not—is where we begin misunderstanding one another.

**If you've ever felt invisible, transparent, erased, or like you're just barely holding on… you're in the right place.**

[Subscribe](Start%20Here%20Page%20301ffa30cf0b80d78ebfd6d9562483c0.md). It's free. Also, [share](Start%20Here%20Page%20301ffa30cf0b80d78ebfd6d9562483c0.md) with others who should know this exists.

---

## **Important Note**

**This is not medical advice.**

Don't use this as a substitute for professional mental health care.

If you're struggling, please seek professional help.

**If you're in crisis:**

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org

I've called them myself when I had no one else to connect with who got it.
They helped me a lot. They're good people.

---

## **Publishing Schedule**

New posts **Sundays & Thursdays at 6:00am ET.**

Subscribe to see it in your inbox.

---

## **What Readers Are Saying**

*"Bert's writing is tender, honest, and deeply human. He shares the parts of life that aren't polished or easy—the moments we're often taught to hide—and in doing so, he creates a rare sense of safety. I encourage you to dive in, read slowly, and let yourself connect with the healing his writing makes possible."*

— Jodi, January 25, 2026

---

## **Where to Begin?**

Read the options below and choose the path that fits your interest or situation.

### **If you want the main narrative arc (recommended)**

Start with **Losing Agency (Parts 1–3)** — the series that explains the "erasure event" and what life looks like after.

1. [Losing Agency — Part 1: The Erasure](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)
2. [Losing Agency — Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)
3. [Losing Agency — Part 3: What Remains](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)

If you're new, this is the cleanest on-ramp.

---

### **If you're living with depression**

Start here:

- [**Functional Depression**](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#) — the loop, the exhaustion, the performance
- [**Masking**](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#) — why people don't recognize what you're carrying
- [**Hypervigilance**](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#) — the scanning, predicting, preparing that never shuts off
- [Dissociation](https://berchman.substack.com/p/dissociation-when-your-brain-goes-offline-spectrum-trauma-daydreaming) — from daydreaming to trauma response

Then explore whatever resonates.

---

### **If you're trying to understand someone you love**

Read the three posts above, in order.

Pay close attention to the **"The Cost"** sections—that's what they may not be saying out loud.

---

### **Not sure where to start?**

Just pick one and follow the links. They're all inter-connected.

---

## **What Else Is Here**

### **Mental Hospital Series (4 episodes with video)**

What it's like to be inside a psychiatric hospital for multiple days?

What I learned. What broke me.

Start here:

1. [Who Am I to Deserve This? Psychiatric Hospital — Day 1](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)
2. [My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 2](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)
3. [My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 3](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)
4. [My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 5](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)

---

## **Coming Soon…**

- **Anhedonia** — the inability to feel pleasure; living in gray static
- **"Not Good Enough" Story** — the core wound; how childhood compiles into a belief you can't shake
- **Car Life Snapshots** — 16 months homeless, living in my car; specific moments, raw and unfiltered

...and more as the catalog builds

---

## **How to Follow & Support**

**Subscribe for Free**
Get new posts delivered to your inbox.
No spam. Just the work. Plus, we all love free.

**Share** with others
If something resonates, share it.
These posts help people feel less alone.

**Comment**
Your words matter. Comments create connection.
Sharing gives back BIGtime.

**Listen**
*Barely, But Here* is also available as a podcast
(voice-cloned from the written posts). [Podcast link](http://localhost:58303/StaticUeHYrr6y/externalProject/start_here_edited-Feb6.md#)

---

### **Support the work if this project has value for you**

Consider [becoming a patron](Start%20Here%20Page%20301ffa30cf0b80d78ebfd6d9562483c0.md) or [sending a one-time donation](Start%20Here%20Page%20301ffa30cf0b80d78ebfd6d9562483c0.md).

**Your support makes this projects work sustainable.**

---

## **This Is Documentation, Not Clinical Advice**

I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV.

I'm a human documenting what it's like to barely be here.

And the work of becoming more than barely.

---

## **One More Thing…**

You're here because something led you here. It is not by chance.

Maybe you're living this.

Maybe you're trying to understand someone who is.

Maybe you just stumbled across it and couldn't look away.

**Whatever brought you here: I'm grateful you're here.**

This writing exists because I survived and working on more healing.

I'm documenting it so others know they can too.

You're not alone. And what you're carrying matters.

I would be grateful if you could subscribe (it's free).

And do share *Barely, But Here* with someone who may benefit from knowing this exists.

I'm deeply grateful for your attention. It's both valuable and irreplaceable.

**Be well,**

Bert.

---

*"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."*

— Randy Pausch, *The Last Lecture*

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Start Here Page 301ffa30cf0b80d78ebfd6d9562483c0.md

Start Here Page


[Assistant]
# Versioned Voice Tuning Log

Status: Final Edit & Text
Episode Type: Article
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Versioned Voice Tuning Log 2f5ffa30cf0b8080a5a7e572b3f3fb22.md

Versioned Voice Tuning Log


[Assistant]
# What It’s Like to Build a Local AI System

Status: Draft
Episode Type: Article
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

---

## **What It’s Like to Build a Local AI System (On the Day It Fights Back)**

Yesterday was one of those days where progress didn’t look like progress.

On paper, the goal was simple: refine a local voice-cloning pipeline so I can turn finished text into audio using my own voice, entirely on my laptop, without cloud services, subscriptions, or dashboards. In reality, it turned into a long, winding encounter with the friction that lives *between* tools, not inside them.

This is the part of building software people rarely talk about. Not the big idea. Not the demo. The part where everything technically works, but nothing quite behaves.

### **The idea was never “AI for AI’s sake”**

I didn’t wake up wanting to clone my voice because it’s novel. I wanted a way to think out loud, edit deliberately, and then *re-embody* that writing as audio without rerecording everything. Same philosophy as my transcription system: keep cognition flowing, remove mechanical friction, keep judgment in human hands.

So the constraints were clear:

- Everything runs locally
- No data leaves my machine unless I choose it
- No subscriptions
- No dashboards
- Drop files in folders, get results out

That part is solid. The system exists. But yesterday wasn’t about architecture. It was about *tuning*.

### **When “close” is the most frustrating distance**

I had a working voice clone. It spoke. It sounded human. It even sounded vaguely like me.

And that was the problem.

It was *almost* right.

The pitch was too high. Or too constant. The cadence too fast. The pauses unnatural. It sounded like me if I were permanently mid-sentence, slightly caffeinated, and narrating a documentary I didn’t agree to.

This is where the work stopped being about AI and started being about *listening*.

You can’t debug voice by reading logs. You have to hear it. Over and over. Tiny changes. One parameter at a time. Change speed. Listen. Change pitch. Listen. Add breathing pauses. Listen again.

This is typography, not programming.

You don’t “optimize” a voice. You kern it.

### **Toolchains don’t fail — seams do**

Nothing actually broke yesterday.

Whisper worked.

XTTS worked.

FFmpeg worked.

Homebrew worked.

Python worked.

What failed was *expectation alignment* between tools.

- Python versions that were technically compatible but practically hostile
- Libraries emitting warnings that weren’t errors, but still polluted signal
- Audio files that were “valid” but not *ideal*
- Defaults that made sense for demos, not humans

At one point I spent an unreasonable amount of time just trying to measure pitch properly, because every shortcut tool failed quietly. Only when I dropped down to Praat did the truth become visible: my average pitch sat right where I expected. The model wasn’t “wrong” — it was *over-constrained*.

That realization matters. It means the fix isn’t “more data” or “better models.” It’s restraint.

### **The emotional tax of almost-automation**

This is the part that doesn’t show up in README files.

Every detour costs attention. Every rabbit hole costs energy. When you’re doing this work alone, late, after already solving *hard* problems, it’s easy to lose the thread and start questioning your decisions.

I caught myself thinking: *Why didn’t I just use a service?*

And then immediately remembered why.

Because services hide tradeoffs. They optimize for scale, not thoughtfulness. They turn authors into operators.

This system is slow on purpose. It waits for intent. It only acts when I explicitly ask it to. That’s not a bug — that’s the design.

### **What yesterday actually produced**

Even if it didn’t feel like it, yesterday locked in something important:

- A clean voice anchor with the right pitch range
- A stable speed setting that feels human
- Real breathing and pause handling
- A repeatable way to evaluate changes instead of guessing
- A clear line between “voice quality” work and “automation” work

Most importantly, it clarified what *not* to do next.

No more parameter thrashing.

No more chasing novelty.

No more piling automation on an unstable core.

That’s the same lesson I learned building the transcription pipeline. Stability first. Then convenience. Then publishing.

### **Why this matters beyond this project**

This isn’t really about voice cloning.

It’s about building tools that respect the person using them. Tools that don’t rush. Tools that don’t decide for you. Tools that let you stay inside the work instead of managing the work.

Yesterday was a reminder that the hardest part of building these systems isn’t AI. It’s patience. It’s taste. It’s knowing when to stop turning knobs and start listening.

I went to bed knowing the voice is close enough to keep going — and that’s the right place to pause.

Not because the system is finished.

But because it’s finally *honest*.

---

If you want, next we can:

- Turn this into a **“Versioned Voice Tuning Log”** post with concrete checkpoints
- Write a **short LinkedIn version** that hints without oversharing
- Or map the remaining work as a **decision tree** so tonight doesn’t repeat itself

You choose the next move.

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/What It’s Like to Build a Local AI System 2f9ffa30cf0b801ead77c42a0e982510.md


[Assistant]
Status,Episode Title,Episode Type,Transcript Text,Transcript File,SEO Description,SEO Tags,Publish Date,YouTube URL,Promotion Channels,Episode Summary,SEO Title,Published @,Assets Folder
Draft,What It’s Like to Build a Local AI System,Article,,,,,,,,,,,
Final Edit & Text,Versioned Voice Tuning Log,Article,,,,,,,,,,,
Blog Published,Start Here Page,,,,,,,,,,,,
Blog Published,Losing Agency Post 03,Article,,../losing_agency_part3_draft.md,,,,,,,,,
Blog Published,Losing Agency Post 02,Article,"# Losing Agency Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series. Episodes%20299ffa30cf0b811584e3fd23c8320288.csv

---

When the campground money ran out, I didn't cross a line. I just... stopped pretending there was one.

I'd been camping in my car at state campgrounds—$25 a night, sometimes $30. Showers, bathrooms, picnic tables. Structure. A receipt that said I was paying for something, which somehow made it feel legitimate.

But by late 2023, the math stopped working. I could charge my electric car, or I could eat, or I could pay the campground fee. Pick two.

I needed to move. I needed to eat. So the campground lost.

And once I went to the street, I never got back off it until I drove to Colorado months later.

---

## The Shift Nobody Sees

Here's what's strange: I didn't feel like I crossed a threshold. There was no moment where I thought, ""This is it. I'm homeless now.""

It just... happened.

One night I parked on a residential street near a shopping center in Ventura, California. Pulled the shades down over the windows like I always did. Slept in the back seat like I always did. Woke up at 6 a.m. like I always did.

Same routine. Different context.

But my brain knew. Even if I didn't consciously register it, something shifted. Because suddenly I was aware of a loss of dignity I hadn't felt before.

At the campground, I could say, ""I'm camping."" That's a thing people do. Recreational. Intentional. There's a whole industry around it.

On the street? I was homeless. Officially. No receipt to prove otherwise.

The structure was gone. And when structure disappears, your mental framework for understanding your situation collapses with it.

I wasn't in control of that shift. It just organically happened. I was aware of it and powerless to stop it at the same time.

---

## The Two Worlds

Here's what nobody tells you about being homeless while you still look like you're not:

You exist in two realities simultaneously.

Reality 1: You're living in your car. You don't know where you're sleeping tonight. You have no address, no stability, no safety net. Every decision is survival. Every dollar is calculated. You are outside the system.

Reality 2: You can still walk into a Starbucks, buy a coffee, sit at a table with your laptop, and look exactly like everyone else in there. You're clean. You're dressed normally. You have a device. You're doing ""work."" Nobody knows.

And that duality is disorienting in a way that's hard to explain.

Every morning, I'd wake up in my car between 6 and 7 a.m. First thing: start the car, pull down the window shades, make sure I didn't have bed hair. Then I'd drive to the Starbucks near the shopping center.

I'd scrape together four bucks—just enough for a regular coffee. Free refills if you stay. Wi-Fi if you have a laptop. I was fortunate to still have mine.

So I'd sit there. For hours. Sometimes until 3 p.m.

I'd apply for jobs. Rewrite my resume. Rebuild my website. Work on my own projects. I was doing things. Productive things. The same things I'd done when I had a home and a life.

And it was a coping strategy. A distortion, if you will.

I was pretending I was still part of society. Still somehow engaged with people in this country who were working, contributing, participating. I needed to believe I still belonged in that bubble.

Because the alternative—acknowledging I was outside it—was unbearable.

---

## The Snow Globe

Imagine a snow globe. You know the kind—shake it, and all the little white flakes swirl around inside. There's a scene in there. A little house, maybe some trees, a tiny figure. Life happening inside a contained, protected space.

That's what it felt like watching everyone else.

I was outside the snow globe. Observing. Watching all the activity inside—people going to work, running errands, meeting friends, living their lives. The world kept turning. Life kept happening.

But I wasn't in it anymore.

I was the guy standing outside, looking in. Watching through the glass.

And here's the really disorienting part: I could still walk into the snow globe whenever I wanted.

I could go into Starbucks. Sit at a table. Order a coffee. Be surrounded by people. And for a few hours, I could almost convince myself I was inside it again.

But I wasn't. Not really.

Because at 3 p.m., I'd pack up my laptop, walk out to my car, and drive to the beach or the supermarket to kill a few more hours before finding somewhere to park for the night.

And in those moments—alone in my car, trying to figure out where I'd sleep—the illusion would crack. I'd remember: I'm not inside the snow globe. I'm just visiting.

---

## The Weight of the Duality

Living in two worlds at once is exhausting in a way most people never experience.

When you're in the coffee shop, you're performing normalcy. Masking homelessness. Pretending you belong. Keeping your shoulders back, your face neutral, your laptop open like you have somewhere to be later.

But underneath that performance, you know the truth. You're counting dollars. You're calculating how long you can stay before you need to leave. You're aware that everyone around you is going home tonight to a bed, a kitchen, a door that locks—and you're not.

And that awareness creates this weird emotional static. You're present but not present. Participating but not participating.

Sometimes I'd be sitting in a coffee shop in Boulder—50, 60 people around me, two stories, big open space—and I'd suddenly feel this crushing sense of isolation. Not loneliness. Isolation. Like I was wearing a costume, pretending to be one of them when I wasn't.

I was inside the reality bubble, but I didn't belong there. My actual reality was the guy outside asking for spare change, looking in longingly at everyone having coffee and conversation.

That thought—I'm closer to the guy outside than the people in here—would hit me, and I'd have to sit with it. Pretend I was fine. Keep typing. Keep existing.

---

## What I Distorted, What I Deleted

Tony Robbins says we're ""Distortion-Deletion Creatures."" We distort reality to cope. We delete what's too painful to hold.

Here's what I distorted: I'm still part of this. I still belong. If I just keep showing up, keep working, keep applying for jobs, I'll get back in.

Here's what I deleted: I'm homeless. I've been unemployed for over two years. I've applied to 2000+ jobs and gotten maybe five interviews. The system doesn't want me. And I have no idea when—or if—this ends.

The enormity of losing everything at once was too much to process. Losing my home, my marriage, my daily role as a father, my income, my location, my identity—that's not one thing. That's all the things.

So I focused on one thing at a time. Today, I need coffee. Today, I need to apply for three jobs. Today, I need to find a safe place to park.

I deleted the big picture because holding it all at once would have crushed me.

And the coffee shop ritual? That was the distortion. It let me pretend—for a few hours every day—that I was still inside the snow globe. Still working. Still contributing. Still somebody.

Even though I knew I wasn't.

---

## The Isolation Paradox

You'd think being surrounded by people every day would make you feel less alone.

It doesn't. It makes it worse.

Because when you're outside the snow globe, proximity to other people just highlights the distance. You're physically close but existentially separate.

I isolated from everyone. Not just people ""inside the bubble,"" but also other homeless people. I didn't want to acknowledge what we had in common. I didn't want to see myself in them.

So I stayed in my car. Went to Starbucks alone. Ate alone. Parked alone. Slept alone.

The duality of being surrounded by life while living outside it became my default state. And it was exhausting. Disorienting. Soul-crushing in a way I'm still trying to find words for.

---

## This Is Part 2 of 3

This is what it's like to live outside the snow globe. To exist in two realities at once. To perform normalcy while knowing you're not normal anymore.

But this isn't where it ends.

In Part 3, we'll explore what agency actually remains when you're living outside the system. What you can control versus what controls you. The difference between distortion as survival and distortion as self-deception. And what it means to try to rebuild when you're still not sure which world you belong in.

For now, just know this: I'm still here. I survived living outside the snow globe.

And I'm documenting it so you know you can too.

---

Part 3 coming Thursday.Be well.",../losing_agency_part2_draft.md,,,,,,,,,
Blog Published,"Hypervigilance Post (Final Draft) — Third post on survival mechanism that never shuts off; beaten dog opening, sensory overload details, ready to publish Sunday.",,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,
Blog Published,"Masking Post (Final Draft) — First post in depression series; defined masking as survival performance, included kindergarten photo story, published Sunday.",,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,
Blog Published,"""Dead to the World"" Blog Post — Edited raw transcript about feeling invisible and losing identity; tightened structure while keeping voice intact.",,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,
Blog Published,Losing Agency Post 01,Article,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,
Blog Published,Dissociation Post,Article,,,,,,,,,,,
Blog Published,Functional Depression,Article,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes 299ffa30cf0b811584e3fd23c8320288.csv


[Assistant]
Episode Title,Assets Folder,Audio File,Audio is…,Deadline,Done?,Due Date,Duration (min),Editor,Episode #,Episode Number,Episode Summary,Episode Type,Guest Email,Guest Name,Owner,Production Status,Promotion Channels,Publish Date,Published @,Recording Date,Recording Link,SEO Description,SEO Tags,SEO Title,Show Notes Link,Status,Tags,Time:,Transcript,Transcript File,Transcript Text,Type,Urgency,Video Status,YouTube URL
E-001_The Return to Nature,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-003_The Role of a Lifetime,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-005_Struggle to Find Oneself,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-005_Filing,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-001_Wut?,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-003_Emotions,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-006_Unresolved,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-006_What’s Next,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-004_Paperwork,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-002_The Packing of a life,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-002_I did what was asked of me,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
E-004_Paradox of Forgiveness,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
EP_001—MAIWM,,,recorded,03/26/2025,Not started,,,,0.01,,,,,,,"Editing, Recording",,,,"March 23, 2025",,,,,,Planned,"AI, Learning, Tech, YouTube, website",2 min,,,,Episode,Extremely,Post Production,
005—ITM_T1_05: New Beginnings,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,Moderate,Interesting Topic,
"007—ITM_T2_01: Homelessness and Living in a Car, The First Night",,,not_recorded,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
008—ITM_T2_02: Daily Life on the Move,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
009—ITM_T2_03: Community and Isolation,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
010—ITM_T2_04: Health and Safety,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
011—ITM_T2_05: Reflections on Society,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
"012—ITM_T3_01: Dealing with Divorce, The end",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
"013—ITM_T3_02: Dealing with Divorce, The Legal Labyrinth",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
"013—ITM_T3_03: Dealing with Divorce, Emotional Rollercoaster",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
"013—ITM_T3_04: Dealing with Divorce, Family Dynamics",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
013—ITM_T3_05: Moving Forward,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,podcast,,,,,Podcast,none,Interesting Topic,
000—ITM_T1_00: Series Teaser: In The Margins,,,recorded,,Done,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,Podcast,—,Interesting Topic,
Black and White,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Overgeneralizations,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Disqualifying Positives,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Fortune Telling,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Mental Filtering,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Emotional Reasoning,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Name Calling,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Catastrophizing,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Rules, Shoulds & Musts",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Personalization,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Mind Reading,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Rational,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Growth Mindset,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Flexible,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Optimism,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Grey is Good,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Compassion,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Gratitude,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Loving Inner Parent,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Functional Depression,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,Barely But Here,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Anhedonia Post,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Outlined,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Dissociation Post,,,no_script,,Done,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Symptom Variance Post (Recording + Draft) — Educational piece on why depression doesn't look like Eeyore for everyone; estimated 1500-2000 words, possibly two-parter.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Losing Agency Post 01,,,recorded,,Not started,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,Barely But Here,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,,,,none,Waiting,
"Divorce Filing Post (""Hari Kiri"") — Ritual suicide metaphor for filing paperwork; watching part of yourself die in your own hands; WAIT until divorce is final.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"""Living Outside the Snow Globe"" Post — Watching everyone live/love their lives while fighting to barely exist; contrasts invisible isolation with visible world.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Disturbing Cold Storage Memories Post — Dredging river metaphor; what happens when you disturb settled trauma, web of interconnected memories surfaces; warning about doing this work when things are heavy.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"""Not Good Enough"" Story Origins Post — Childhood compilation of words/actions creating core belief; cognitive dissonance with actual competence/achievements.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Hypervigilance in Work Environments — How thinking 7 moves ahead shows up professionally; anticipating needs, crisis management, exhaustion from constant prediction.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Car Life Series (Multiple Posts) — 16 months of specific moments: first night unable to pay campground fees, transition to street parking, safety concerns, logistics, psychological toll.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Family Erasure/Photos Removed Post — Grieving someone still alive; being deleted from home while family continues; kicked out of your own life.,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"The Psychic Stench Phenomenon — Expanded exploration of dark energy leakage; how others pick up on it, misinterpret it, shame/guilt cycle.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Executive Function Destruction Post — How car life destroyed ability to plan/organize; slowly rebuilding it; ""I said I'd do something, it fucking happens"" vs. mind playing tricks.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"~3-5 Additional Term-Definition Posts — Other depression symptoms/behaviors to be identified from transcript review (beyond Masking, Functional Depression, Hypervigilance, Anhedonia, Symptom Variance).",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Planned,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"""Dead to the World"" Blog Post — Edited raw transcript about feeling invisible and losing identity; tightened structure while keeping voice intact.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Masking Post (Final Draft) — First post in depression series; defined masking as survival performance, included kindergarten photo story, published Sunday.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
"Hypervigilance Post (Final Draft) — Third post on survival mechanism that never shuts off; beaten dog opening, sensory overload details, ready to publish Sunday.",,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Barely But Here,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Versioned Voice Tuning Log,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Final Edit & Text,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Losing Agency Post 02,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,"Barely,%20But%20Here/losing_agency_part2_draft.md","# Losing Agency Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series. Barely,%20But%20Here/Media%20Publishing/Episodes%20299ffa30cf0b811584e3fd23c8320288.md

---

When the campground money ran out, I didn't cross a line. I just... stopped pretending there was one.

I'd been camping in my car at state campgrounds—$25 a night, sometimes $30. Showers, bathrooms, picnic tables. Structure. A receipt that said I was paying for something, which somehow made it feel legitimate.

But by late 2023, the math stopped working. I could charge my electric car, or I could eat, or I could pay the campground fee. Pick two.

I needed to move. I needed to eat. So the campground lost.

And once I went to the street, I never got back off it until I drove to Colorado months later.

---

## The Shift Nobody Sees

Here's what's strange: I didn't feel like I crossed a threshold. There was no moment where I thought, ""This is it. I'm homeless now.""

It just... happened.

One night I parked on a residential street near a shopping center in Ventura, California. Pulled the shades down over the windows like I always did. Slept in the back seat like I always did. Woke up at 6 a.m. like I always did.

Same routine. Different context.

But my brain knew. Even if I didn't consciously register it, something shifted. Because suddenly I was aware of a loss of dignity I hadn't felt before.

At the campground, I could say, ""I'm camping."" That's a thing people do. Recreational. Intentional. There's a whole industry around it.

On the street? I was homeless. Officially. No receipt to prove otherwise.

The structure was gone. And when structure disappears, your mental framework for understanding your situation collapses with it.

I wasn't in control of that shift. It just organically happened. I was aware of it and powerless to stop it at the same time.

---

## The Two Worlds

Here's what nobody tells you about being homeless while you still look like you're not:

You exist in two realities simultaneously.

Reality 1: You're living in your car. You don't know where you're sleeping tonight. You have no address, no stability, no safety net. Every decision is survival. Every dollar is calculated. You are outside the system.

Reality 2: You can still walk into a Starbucks, buy a coffee, sit at a table with your laptop, and look exactly like everyone else in there. You're clean. You're dressed normally. You have a device. You're doing ""work."" Nobody knows.

And that duality is disorienting in a way that's hard to explain.

Every morning, I'd wake up in my car between 6 and 7 a.m. First thing: start the car, pull down the window shades, make sure I didn't have bed hair. Then I'd drive to the Starbucks near the shopping center.

I'd scrape together four bucks—just enough for a regular coffee. Free refills if you stay. Wi-Fi if you have a laptop. I was fortunate to still have mine.

So I'd sit there. For hours. Sometimes until 3 p.m.

I'd apply for jobs. Rewrite my resume. Rebuild my website. Work on my own projects. I was doing things. Productive things. The same things I'd done when I had a home and a life.

And it was a coping strategy. A distortion, if you will.

I was pretending I was still part of society. Still somehow engaged with people in this country who were working, contributing, participating. I needed to believe I still belonged in that bubble.

Because the alternative—acknowledging I was outside it—was unbearable.

---

## The Snow Globe

Imagine a snow globe. You know the kind—shake it, and all the little white flakes swirl around inside. There's a scene in there. A little house, maybe some trees, a tiny figure. Life happening inside a contained, protected space.

That's what it felt like watching everyone else.

I was outside the snow globe. Observing. Watching all the activity inside—people going to work, running errands, meeting friends, living their lives. The world kept turning. Life kept happening.

But I wasn't in it anymore.

I was the guy standing outside, looking in. Watching through the glass.

And here's the really disorienting part: I could still walk into the snow globe whenever I wanted.

I could go into Starbucks. Sit at a table. Order a coffee. Be surrounded by people. And for a few hours, I could almost convince myself I was inside it again.

But I wasn't. Not really.

Because at 3 p.m., I'd pack up my laptop, walk out to my car, and drive to the beach or the supermarket to kill a few more hours before finding somewhere to park for the night.

And in those moments—alone in my car, trying to figure out where I'd sleep—the illusion would crack. I'd remember: I'm not inside the snow globe. I'm just visiting.

---

## The Weight of the Duality

Living in two worlds at once is exhausting in a way most people never experience.

When you're in the coffee shop, you're performing normalcy. Masking homelessness. Pretending you belong. Keeping your shoulders back, your face neutral, your laptop open like you have somewhere to be later.

But underneath that performance, you know the truth. You're counting dollars. You're calculating how long you can stay before you need to leave. You're aware that everyone around you is going home tonight to a bed, a kitchen, a door that locks—and you're not.

And that awareness creates this weird emotional static. You're present but not present. Participating but not participating.

Sometimes I'd be sitting in a coffee shop in Boulder—50, 60 people around me, two stories, big open space—and I'd suddenly feel this crushing sense of isolation. Not loneliness. Isolation. Like I was wearing a costume, pretending to be one of them when I wasn't.

I was inside the reality bubble, but I didn't belong there. My actual reality was the guy outside asking for spare change, looking in longingly at everyone having coffee and conversation.

That thought—I'm closer to the guy outside than the people in here—would hit me, and I'd have to sit with it. Pretend I was fine. Keep typing. Keep existing.

---

## What I Distorted, What I Deleted

Tony Robbins says we're ""Distortion-Deletion Creatures."" We distort reality to cope. We delete what's too painful to hold.

Here's what I distorted: I'm still part of this. I still belong. If I just keep showing up, keep working, keep applying for jobs, I'll get back in.

Here's what I deleted: I'm homeless. I've been unemployed for over two years. I've applied to 2000+ jobs and gotten maybe five interviews. The system doesn't want me. And I have no idea when—or if—this ends.

The enormity of losing everything at once was too much to process. Losing my home, my marriage, my daily role as a father, my income, my location, my identity—that's not one thing. That's all the things.

So I focused on one thing at a time. Today, I need coffee. Today, I need to apply for three jobs. Today, I need to find a safe place to park.

I deleted the big picture because holding it all at once would have crushed me.

And the coffee shop ritual? That was the distortion. It let me pretend—for a few hours every day—that I was still inside the snow globe. Still working. Still contributing. Still somebody.

Even though I knew I wasn't.

---

## The Isolation Paradox

You'd think being surrounded by people every day would make you feel less alone.

It doesn't. It makes it worse.

Because when you're outside the snow globe, proximity to other people just highlights the distance. You're physically close but existentially separate.

I isolated from everyone. Not just people ""inside the bubble,"" but also other homeless people. I didn't want to acknowledge what we had in common. I didn't want to see myself in them.

So I stayed in my car. Went to Starbucks alone. Ate alone. Parked alone. Slept alone.

The duality of being surrounded by life while living outside it became my default state. And it was exhausting. Disorienting. Soul-crushing in a way I'm still trying to find words for.

---

## This Is Part 2 of 3

This is what it's like to live outside the snow globe. To exist in two realities at once. To perform normalcy while knowing you're not normal anymore.

But this isn't where it ends.

In Part 3, we'll explore what agency actually remains when you're living outside the system. What you can control versus what controls you. The difference between distortion as survival and distortion as self-deception. And what it means to try to rebuild when you're still not sure which world you belong in.

For now, just know this: I'm still here. I survived living outside the snow globe.

And I'm documenting it so you know you can too.

---

Part 3 coming Thursday.Be well.",,none,Interesting Topic,
Losing Agency Post 03,,,recorded,,Not started,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,"Barely,%20But%20Here/losing_agency_part3_draft.md",,,High,Interesting Topic,
What It’s Like to Build a Local AI System,,,no_script,,Not started,,,,,,,Article,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Draft,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic,
Start Here Page,,,archived,,In progress,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Blog Published,,,,,,,Extremely,Interesting Topic,

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes 299ffa30cf0b811584e3fd23c8320288_all.csv