[Assistant]
Episode,Title,Series,Status,Audio,Script,Video,Last edited time,PIN Comment & LIIKE,SRT File,Upload,YT SYNC
001,Living with Suicidal Thoughts but not wanting to die,🔥 HOA,Published,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,Done
002,The War Between Wanting Help and Pushing Away,🔥 HOA,Published,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,Done
003,What You Don’t See: The Battles We Fight in Silence,🔥 HOA,Published,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,Done
004,Why Asking for Help Feels Impossible (Even When You’re Drowning),🔥 HOA,Published,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,Done
005,The Small Things That Keep You Alive,🔥 HOA,Published,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,Done
006,The Work Isn’t Finished — And That’s Okay,🔥 HOA,Published,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,Done
006a,Working Through Depression doesnt end with treatment,,Published,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,Done
007,The Morning I Didn’t Want to Wake Up. Holding On When It Doesn’t Feel Worth It,🔥 HOA,Scripted,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",No,No,No,In progress
BBH_008,You are a time traveller. Disco Balls Concept Introduction,🔥 HOA,Video,Yes,Yes,Yes,"July 17, 2025 7:08 PM",No,No,No,In progress
HOA_010,Habituation — How I Got Used to Feeling Nothing,🔥 HOA,Prompted,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_011,The Days Depression Took From Me,🔥 HOA,Waiting,No,No,No,"June 28, 2025 10:39 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_012,Painting Talk,🔥 HOA,Scripted,No,Yes,No,"July 17, 2025 7:08 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_013,Nights That Feel Endless,🔥 HOA,Prompted,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_014,When I Thought I Was a Burden,🔥 HOA,Prompted,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_015,The Shower I Couldn’t Get Out Of,🔥 HOA,Prompted,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_016,The Cup I Didn’t Finish,🔥 HOA,Prompted,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_017,[TBD] — Prompt Set 003,🔥 HOA,Prompted,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_019,The Grief of Becoming Someone New,🔥 HOA,Prompted,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_020,Surviving the “You Should Be Over This” Phase,🔥 HOA,Waiting,No,No,No,"June 6, 2025 7:55 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_021,"
When I Realized I Was Still Here",🔥 HOA,Not started,No,No,No,"June 28, 2025 10:40 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_022,I Started Feeling Again — and It Hurt,🔥 HOA,Not started,No,No,No,"June 28, 2025 10:40 PM",No,No,No,Not started
HOA_024,What If This Is Just Who I Am Now?,🔥 HOA,Not started,No,No,No,"June 28, 2025 10:40 PM",No,No,No,Not started
KK_001,Introduction to Ketamine Khronicles,🔥 HOA,Scripted,No,Yes,No,"June 10, 2025 10:38 PM",No,No,No,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Holding On, Anyway — Master Episode Tracker 1eaffa30cf0b80c8b476e897355f63fa.csv


[Assistant]
Episode,Audio,Last edited time,PIN Comment & LIIKE,SRT File,Script,Series,Status,Title,Upload,Video,YT SYNC
004,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,🔥 HOA,Published,Why Asking for Help Feels Impossible (Even When You’re Drowning),Yes,Yes,Done
HOA_013,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Prompted,Nights That Feel Endless,No,No,Not started
HOA_014,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Prompted,When I Thought I Was a Burden,No,No,Not started
HOA_020,No,"June 6, 2025 7:55 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Waiting,Surviving the “You Should Be Over This” Phase,No,No,Not started
HOA_016,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Prompted,The Cup I Didn’t Finish,No,No,Not started
001,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,🔥 HOA,Published,Living with Suicidal Thoughts but not wanting to die,Yes,Yes,Done
HOA_012,No,"July 17, 2025 7:08 PM",No,No,Yes,🔥 HOA,Scripted,Painting Talk,No,No,Not started
HOA_015,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Prompted,The Shower I Couldn’t Get Out Of,No,No,Not started
003,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,🔥 HOA,Published,What You Don’t See: The Battles We Fight in Silence,Yes,Yes,Done
006,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,🔥 HOA,Published,The Work Isn’t Finished — And That’s Okay,Yes,Yes,Done
002,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,🔥 HOA,Published,The War Between Wanting Help and Pushing Away,Yes,Yes,Done
HOA_019,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Prompted,The Grief of Becoming Someone New,No,No,Not started
007,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",No,No,Yes,🔥 HOA,Scripted,The Morning I Didn’t Want to Wake Up. Holding On When It Doesn’t Feel Worth It,No,Yes,In progress
HOA_010,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Prompted,Habituation — How I Got Used to Feeling Nothing,No,No,Not started
HOA_017,No,"June 6, 2025 7:54 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Prompted,[TBD] — Prompt Set 003,No,No,Not started
005,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,🔥 HOA,Published,The Small Things That Keep You Alive,Yes,Yes,Done
HOA_022,No,"June 28, 2025 10:40 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Not started,I Started Feeling Again — and It Hurt,No,No,Not started
HOA_024,No,"June 28, 2025 10:40 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Not started,What If This Is Just Who I Am Now?,No,No,Not started
HOA_011,No,"June 28, 2025 10:39 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Waiting,The Days Depression Took From Me,No,No,Not started
BBH_008,Yes,"July 17, 2025 7:08 PM",No,No,Yes,🔥 HOA,Video,You are a time traveller. Disco Balls Concept Introduction,No,Yes,In progress
HOA_021,No,"June 28, 2025 10:40 PM",No,No,No,🔥 HOA,Not started,"
When I Realized I Was Still Here",No,No,Not started
KK_001,No,"June 10, 2025 10:38 PM",No,No,Yes,🔥 HOA,Scripted,Introduction to Ketamine Khronicles,No,No,Not started
006a,Yes,"July 20, 2025 2:05 PM",Yes,Yes,Yes,,Published,Working Through Depression doesnt end with treatment,Yes,Yes,Done

Projects/Barely, But Here/Holding On, Anyway — Master Episode Tracker 1eaffa30cf0b80c8b476e897355f63fa_all.csv


[Assistant]
# Hypervigilance Prompts/Answers/Process

## Hypervigilance PromptsThis one's about the survival mechanism that never shuts off. The exhausting state of constant threat assessment.

### **1. When did hypervigilance start for you, and what triggered it?**

Was it the same childhood environment that taught you to mask? A specific event? Or was it always there? Paint the earliest memory you have of being hyper-aware of everything around you.

### **2. Describe what hypervigilance feels like in your body and mind.**

Is it physical tension? Mental static? Scanning every face, every sound, every shift in energy? What are you monitoring for? What's the threat you're trying to predict or avoid?

### **3. Give me a specific example of hypervigilance in action.**

A moment where you were in a room, at an event, in a conversation—and your hypervigilance was running at full capacity. What were you tracking? What were you afraid would happen? Did it help or hurt the situation?

### **4. You mentioned your startle response was ridiculous as a kid. Walk me through that.**

The "blow in your ear and you'd jump" example. How did that play out in daily life? Were you scared of sudden sounds, movements, people coming up behind you? How did other people react to your startle response?

### **5. You said you could "feel everything in a room" when you were younger. Explain that.**

The psychic stench, the premonition, sensing things before they happened. Is this part of hypervigilance or something separate? How did it shape how you moved through the world? And why is it less intense now?

### **6. What's the cost of decades of hypervigilance?**

You mentioned it shapes your nervous system. What does that actually mean for you now at 51? Can you ever fully relax? What happens when you try? And is there a version of you that could exist without it, or is it wired in permanently?

---

Something came up reading your reaction. When my fears were peak I would obessively ask  my spouse if she was ok? It was abandonment fears front and center. What sucks is to get crystal clear on all this and not be able to heal together; have to do it alone.

Questions Before I Draft

1. The "psychic stench" / energy sensitivity section You mention it briefly in Hyper2. You also say your sensitivity got "turned off" because it was too much. Do you want to explore that more, or keep it light since we've already covered psychic stench in Functional Depression?
Lets not go deep, but its important to mention that the equipment got turned “down” not off. I could barely pick up on things anymore if that helps. I find I’m getting better the more I can calm my nervous system

2. The marriage/abandonment revelation "I was hypervigilant because I was worried about being abandoned, and I got the outcome I worried most about." This is HEAVY and ties directly to Losing Agency. Do you want to go deep on this here, or save the full weight of it for the Losing Agency post and just touch it briefly in Hypervigilance?
Touch briefly. Dont water down.

3. The "calm in chaos" benefit You framed hypervigilance as having an upside in adulthood (being prepared, staying calm when others panic). Do you want to emphasize that, or keep the focus on the cost? Both are true, but the tone shifts depending on which you lead with.
I want to keep calm in chaos. Note, that was FAR more true with strangers and groups of people than 1:1.

4. Tone/Ending Masking ended on "for a moment, you can just be" (hopeful). Functional Depression ended on "you're still showing up / that's worth recognizing" (acknowledgment).

Hypervigilance could end on:

- The cost (never felt calm, still working on it)
- The hope (looking forward to what calm feels like)
- The duality (it's a survival tool that also destroys you)

Which feels right?

duality: except it's a survival tool that may destroy you — we’re all different.

Start Here page

Projects/Barely, But Here/Hypervigilance Prompts Answers Process 2f0ffa30cf0b806da074e2a1e53a4e44.md

Hypervigilance Prompts/Answers/Process


[Assistant]
# Improvements

 **Navigation**   [❯   Homepage](../Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)

---

 **Workflows**

 **Resources**

 **Ecosystem**

[❯ Guests](Guest%20Workflow%20185ffa30cf0b813dbc3bcb06ea45f6a7.md)

[❯ Production](Production%20Workflow%20185ffa30cf0b8182ae38e079a55fc415.md)

[❯ Promotion](Promotion%20Workflow%20185ffa30cf0b8117b813d390b1653760.md)

[❯ Assets](Assets%20185ffa30cf0b81379b72f186d453a569.md)

[❯ Analytics](Analytics%20185ffa30cf0b81adab59d47b121991c9.md)

[❯ Improvements](Improvements%20185ffa30cf0b81ed9d04f8528fabe35b.md)

[❯ Brand](Brand%20185ffa30cf0b817fba5bdb2870814d6b.md)

[❯ Network](Network%20185ffa30cf0b8151b8ffca51e756b26b.md)

[❯ Supporters](Supporters%20185ffa30cf0b814e87bfc68c58818ee7.md)

---

# Potential Improvements

[Improvements](Improvements/Improvements%20185ffa30cf0b819eadf2fbe6caf96f50.csv)

---

# Improvement Process

[Untitled](Improvements/Untitled%20185ffa30cf0b811aa6f0c3d1b7ef9f9d.csv)

---

# Completed Improvements

[Untitled](Improvements/Untitled%20185ffa30cf0b81b9b4caf1d846b99b8d.csv)

 **More Information**

---

**Helpful Videos:** [https://www.youtube.com/@Notion](https://www.youtube.com/@Notion)
**Templates:** [https://www.notion.so/@lpc](https://www.notion.so/@lpc)
**Email** **Questions:** leading.podcast.c@gmail.com

 Copyright © 2025 Leading Podcast Conversation  All Rights Reserved.

[Licensing Information](Licensing%20Information%20185ffa30cf0b8185b4c3e3b115f0293d.md)

Projects/Barely, But Here/Improvements 185ffa30cf0b81ed9d04f8528fabe35b.md

Improvements


[Assistant]
# Legal Code - Attribution 4.0 International
 - Creative Commons

Projects/Barely, But Here/Legal Code - Attribution 4 0 International - Creat a764012f386b4cd3833c00cc31f834be.md

Legal Code - Attribution 4.0 International


[Assistant]
# Licensing Information

 **Navigation**   [❯   Homepage](../Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)

---

Thank you for choosing to access our digital product! Your interaction with our website, purchase, download, and utilization of our offerings indicate your complete acceptance of the following terms and conditions.

If you do not consent to these terms and conditions, kindly refrain from utilizing our services.

**LICENSE AND USAGE**
Upon acquiring this digital product (whether free or paid) from **Leading Podcast Conversations**, you agree not to utilize or authorize its use for any purpose other than the intended one.

You are prohibited from duplicating, reselling, sublicensing, renting out, republishing, sharing, or distributing any of our digital products, whether altered or unaltered, to any third party, whether for commercial or non-personal use.

Furthermore, you commit not to employ any of our products in a manner that could harm our interests or tarnish our reputation.

**INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY**
The products, whether modified or unmodified, and all associated intellectual property and copyrights therein, are and shall always remain the exclusive property of **Leading Podcast Conversations**.

You acknowledge and agree that under no circumstances, regardless of any modifications made to the product, shall you assert or attempt to assert ownership over any intellectual property rights or copyrights associated with the product.

Non-Refundable.

**THANK YOU!**

 **More Information**

---

**Helpful Videos:** [https://www.youtube.com/@Notion](https://www.youtube.com/@Notion)
**Templates:** [https://www.notion.so/@lpc](https://www.notion.so/@lpc)
**Email** **Questions:** leading.podcast.c@gmail.com

 Copyright © 2025 Leading Podcast Conversation  All Rights Reserved.

[Licensing Information](Licensing%20Information%20185ffa30cf0b8185b4c3e3b115f0293d.md)

Projects/Barely, But Here/Licensing Information 185ffa30cf0b8185b4c3e3b115f0293d.md

Licensing Information


[Assistant]
# Anhedonia Post

Status: Outlined
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

**(Recording + Draft)** — Fourth post defining inability to feel pleasure; estimated 1000-1200 words, shorter/sharper than others.

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Anhedonia Post 2f2ffa30cf0b8052b2c7d5b6b6e3f420.md

Anhedonia Post


[Assistant]
# Black and White

Status: Planned
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Black and White 211ffa30cf0b8053b79ddad570866f9f.md

Black and White


[Assistant]
# Catastrophizing

Status: Planned
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Catastrophizing 211ffa30cf0b8087bbccd530339c2bf6.md

Catastrophizing


[Assistant]
# Compassion

Status: Planned
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Compassion 211ffa30cf0b8062b988c6019101c82e.md

Compassion


[Assistant]
# "Dead to the World" Blog Post — Edited raw transcript about feeling invisible and losing identity; tightened structure while keeping voice intact.

Status: Blog Published
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Published @: Barely But Here
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Dead to the World Blog Post — Edited raw transcrip 2f2ffa30cf0b80c3b2fdec4a003c7f81.md

"Dead to the World" Blog Post — Edited raw transcript about feeling invisible and losing identity; tightened structure while keeping voice intact.


[Assistant]
# Disqualifying Positives

Status: Planned
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Disqualifying Positives 211ffa30cf0b80fc922cd917feca7764.md

Disqualifying Positives


[Assistant]
# Dissociation Post

Status: Blog Published
Episode Type: Article
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Done
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

# Prompts

# Dissociation - Recording Prompts

## Overview

This post will bridge the gap between everyday dissociation (daydreaming, zoning out) and clinical dissociation (break from reality due to overwhelm). The goal: normalize the mild forms while explaining when it becomes a trauma response. Make it accessible to people who dissociate but don't realize that's what they're doing.

---

## Prompt 1: What Dissociation Actually Is (Layman's Version)

**Define dissociation in everyday terms first, before getting clinical.**

Start with the universal experience: Have you ever driven somewhere and not remembered the drive? Zoned out during a conversation and suddenly realized someone asked you a question? Daydreamed so hard you lost track of time?

That's dissociation. It's not always pathological. It's not always trauma. Sometimes it's just your brain's way of taking a break.

But where's the line between normal spacing out and something more serious? That's what we're exploring.

---

## Prompt 2: The Spectrum (Daydreaming → Checking Out → Break from Reality)

**Walk through the spectrum of dissociation from mild to severe.**

**Mild:** Daydreaming, highway hypnosis, losing yourself in a book/movie/game. You're still present, just absorbed elsewhere.

**Moderate:** Zoning out when overwhelmed, feeling detached from your body, going through motions without being "there." You're present physically but not mentally/emotionally.

**Severe:** Losing time, not remembering what you did, feeling like you're watching yourself from outside your body, reality feeling fake or dreamlike. This is clinical dissociation—your brain's emergency exit when reality is too much.

Where have you experienced dissociation on this spectrum? Give examples from your own life.

---

## Prompt 3: When Dissociation Becomes a Survival Tool

**Explain how dissociation shifts from spacing out to coping mechanism.**

For people with trauma, chronic stress, depression, or overwhelming circumstances, dissociation becomes automatic. Your brain learns: "This is too much. I'm checking out."

When did dissociation become a survival tool for you? Was it during the car months? During the marriage collapse? Childhood? When reality became unbearable, where did your mind go?

And here's the key question: Did dissociation *protect* you, or did it make things worse by disconnecting you from what you needed to address?

---

## Prompt 4: What Dissociation Feels Like in the Moment

**Describe the physical and mental experience of dissociating.**

What does it feel like in your body? Numbness? Floating? Heavy? Disconnected from your limbs?

What does it feel like in your mind? Foggy? Blank? Like you're behind glass watching yourself? Like the world isn't real?

Give specific examples. "I remember sitting in my car and suddenly realizing an hour had passed and I had no idea what I'd been thinking about." "I'd be in a conversation and hear myself talking but feel like someone else was controlling my mouth."

Make it visceral so readers who dissociate recognize themselves.

---

## Prompt 5: Dissociation vs. Other Coping Mechanisms

**How is dissociation different from masking, hypervigilance, or functional depression?**

- **Masking** = performing normalcy while struggling internally (you're *present* but hiding)
- **Hypervigilance** = being hyper-present, scanning constantly (you're *too* present)
- **Functional depression** = showing up and doing what needs doing despite depression (you're present but exhausted)
- **Dissociation** = *not being present at all*—your mind leaves the situation

When do you dissociate vs. mask? When does dissociation kick in when hypervigilance fails? How do they interact?

---

## Prompt 6: When to Worry and What Helps

**Talk about when dissociation becomes a problem and what's helped you manage it.**

**When to worry:**

- You're losing significant chunks of time
- You can't remember important conversations or events
- You feel disconnected from reality more often than not
- Dissociation is interfering with work, relationships, or safety

**What helps (from your experience):**

- Grounding techniques (5 senses, physical touch, cold water)
- Recognizing dissociation when it's happening ("I'm dissociating right now")
- Addressing the overwhelm that triggers it (therapy, reducing stressors, building safety)
- Meditation and mindfulness (your 30,000+ minutes of practice)

What's worked for you? What hasn't? What do you wish someone had told you earlier?

---

## Notes for Recording

- Lead with the universal (daydreaming) so people don't immediately think "this isn't me"
- Build to the clinical (trauma response) so people recognize when it's gone beyond normal
- Use concrete examples from your life—car months, isolation, overwhelm
- Normalize mild dissociation while acknowledging when it becomes concerning
- Connect to other posts: dissociation as the response when masking fails, when hypervigilance exhausts you, when functional depression collapses, when you lose agency and reality becomes unbearable

---

**This one's lighter than Losing Agency but still important. Record when you're ready.**

# Audio Recordings

# Transcripts

# Drafts & Edits

# **Dissociation: When Your Brain Goes Offline**

Have you ever driven somewhere and not remembered the drive?

Zoned out during a conversation and suddenly realized they asked you a question?

Daydreamed so hard you lost track of time?

That is dissociation.

> And before you panic—**everyone does this.** Every human. Globally.
>

It's not pathological. It's not always trauma. Sometimes it's simply your brain taking a break.

What most don't know is that there's a line between normal spacing out and something to be concerned about.

And if you've crossed that line, you need to understand what's happening and why.

**I’ll share where that line is.**

What does dissociation actually look when it shifts from "garden-variety brain break" to "survival mechanism you can't turn off."

---

## **The Spectrum: Mild to Severe**

I believe everything exists on a spectrum.

> Dissociation is no different.
>

On one end, it's harmless daydreaming.

On the other, it's a clinical symptom of trauma, chronic stress, or mental illness.

**Most** people live in the middle somewhere, and never think twice about it, or perhaps maybe never have.

Here's how I see it breaking down:

---

### **MILD: Garden Variety Dissociation**

This is the stuff **everyone** experiences:

- **Highway hypnosis**
You've driven this route a thousand times. You arrive at work and don't remember the drive. Your brain was on autopilot.
- **Daydreaming**
Thinking about your vacation, your weekend plans, replaying a conversation in your head. You're present, but your attention is absorbed elsewhere.
- **Losing yourself in a book, movie, or game**
Hours pass. You look up and realize it's dark outside. You were ***there***, just completely absorbed.

**What makes this mild?**

You're still present. You're still *here.* Your attention is just focused somewhere else. You can snap back when needed.

---

### **MODERATE:** Checking Out When Overwhelmed

This is where it starts to shift:

- **Zoning out under stress** — You write your to-do list, see how overwhelming it is, and suddenly... nothing. Your brain just spaces out for five seconds, a minute, longer. You're not thinking about anything specific. You're just *gone.*
- **Feeling detached from your body** — Like you're watching yourself go through the motions. You're there physically, but mentally and emotionally you've checked out. You're thinking about tomorrow, next week, something else—anything but where you are right now.
- **Going through life on autopilot** — You're functioning. Doing tasks. But you're not really *there.* It's like your body is present but your mind isn't.

**What makes this moderate?**

You're not engaged. You're floaty.
Your body is here, but you're not.

You're thinking about other things, or you're just... blank, or maybe numb.

---

### **SEVERE: Clinical Dissociation**

This is where it crosses the line into mental health territory.

Where getting professional help, in my lived experience, is warranted so your mind doesn’t take you on a potentially long imperceptible slide into depression.

Before you are aware, you may be unable to help yourself because of the depression.

That is a noticeable shift that family and friends may notice depending on the level of depression combined with the masking ability the depressed person has to hide their symptoms from others.

> I know because I’ve lived this on the masking side for 4+ decades.
>

If depression has hit you for the first time in your life masking may be impossible. It depends on what I’ve coined as “shaky variables.”

“Shaky Variables” are all things that make up a person and their unique situation.

Even if one has self-awareness, AND the ability to apply tools/skills to self-correct, the variables change because they live outside your control, and perhaps ‘spehere of influence’ as well.

### Like I said at the start, everything is on a spectrum.

So masking or not, you may lack the awareness to ask, or lack the wherewithal to get help, or have zero initiative to get help for yourself, or have things not under your control change and impact you significantly.

The point being the brain sits and soaks in a nasty, unhealthy headspace.

- **Losing time** — Not "I lost track of time watching a movie." I mean: you look up and 45 minutes have passed and you have no idea where they went. You were sitting on the edge of your bed, head in your hands, staring at the floor. And then suddenly it's an hour later.
- **Not remembering what you did** — You walked somewhere, had a conversation, did something—and you have no memory of it. Like sleepwalking, but you're awake.
- **Feeling like reality isn't real** — Everything feels fake. Dreamlike. You're watching your life like it's a movie. You feel numb, detached, like you're not actually living your own life.

**What makes this severe:** Your brain has hit the emergency exit. Reality is too much, and dissociation is your escape hatch. This isn't occasional. This is frequent, involuntary, and interfering with your ability to function.

---

**What’s beyond that headspace?**

It’s where I was after a drawn out transition to deeper level of depression and self-hatred. It took months to happen, from 2018 to the COVID times.

So deep on the dark side that part of my psyche WANTED me to suffer and hurt, it WANTED to see me fail. That is as far as I’ll go there. It warrants one or more posts.

---

## **When Dissociation Becomes a Survival Tool**

For most people, dissociation is mild and occasional.

A brain break here and there. No big deal.

But for people with trauma, chronic stress, depression, or overwhelming circumstances, dissociation becomes automatic.

Your brain will slip you into dissociation without knowing: *"This is too much. I'm checking out."*

That's when it shifts from spacing out to coping mechanism.

And eventually, it becomes a survival tool you may be unable to turn off.

It becomes part of your “normal” state of being, your baseline.

### **This happened to me.**

When I first started living in my car, I dissociated constantly.

I'd sit in a parking lot and watch the world drive by for hours on the 101 freeway, or watching the waves at surfers point.

I wasn't thinking about anything. I
 wasn't *there.* I was just... gone.

Trying to hold space for what I'd lost—my marriage, my daily role as a father, my home, my income, my entire life—was like standing in front of a 50-foot tall tsunami wave thinking, "Yeah, I'll just take the hit. Its all good."

I call bullshit. You may get smacked into next week, that is if you survive.

So you check out. You dissociate.

Because you can't deal with it.

And the longer you're in that state, the more it becomes your normal.

> When a clinically bad mind space becomes somones baseline, when one drops to that level, for some they suddenly—weirdly—can see *some things* more clearly.

Because you've passed through them.

You're psychologically one-level-below them now.
>

---

That's the point when I began recognizing dissociation for what it was, a safety tool designed to avoid your brain from imploding/exploding—your pick.

Eventually, my awareness with how dissociation started and stopped inside me became acutely sharp and I could trigger it on command.

<aside>
🧠

> I could make myself “click out” of reality (as I called it at the time)
and literally dissociate whenever I needed to.
>
</aside>

---

Which, if you ask me, is not normal, and I’m pretty sure a mental-health professional would agree but I have yet to ask one.

What you’ve read is what happened to me living in survival mode for long enough.

---

## **What Dissociation Feels Like**

Describing dissociation is hard because it's the absence of feeling or the absence of awareness or absence of consciousness—perhaps all three as I’ve experienced before.

Here's my best attempt:

### **Physically:**

- **Numbness —** Can feel as though your body has gone offline. You may not feel your body at all or forget you even have a body. It depends on how deep you go. You may get tingles when your body "comes back," as if your limbs are waking up after leaning on them.
- **Heaviness or Floating** — Sometimes you may feel sluggish, lethargic or unmotivated. Other times you feel weightless, disconnected from your body. Sometimes referred to as an ‘out-of-body’ experience.
- **Dizzy, Off-Balance, or Frozen** — Your sense of being "in control" of your body may be disrupted like being frozen and unable to move—staring a at the wall or floor for and hour. It may mess with your balance, make you feel like you're tilting when you're not—likely the inner ear.

### **Mentally:**

- **Foggy or Blank** — Your mind isn't sharp. It's not racing. It's just... nothing. Lights on, but nobody's home, your brain's hard drive spun down but the monitor's still on.
- **Watching yourself from outside** — This is the hardest symptom to explain.
    - Have you seen the movie *Being John Malkovich*?
    - A tiny door behind a cabinet leads to a crawl space down a dark hallway.
    - Eventually you slide down a tube ([like a waterslide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLSqsZGYEeA)) and land behind someone's eyeballs and watch them live their life through their eyes?

That's one if, if not the best examples I’ve seen to communicate what severe dissociation may feel like.

You're sitting in a seat behind your own eyes, watching yourself live your life like watching a movie.

You're detached. You're not *in* it. You're just observing it.

It's may disturbing or disorienting the first time it happens because it doesn’t require

You think, *What the fuck is this?*

But the more you experience it, the more it becomes your normal.

And eventually, you can go 75-80% of your day in that mode and function just fine.

Detached, observant, a spectator of yourself.

---

## **Dissociation vs. Other Coping Mechanisms**

So, how is dissociation different from masking, hypervigilance, or functional depression?

Here's are some differences:

### **Masking = You're present but hiding**

You're there. You're engaged. You're just performing normalcy while struggling internally. You might have a three-alarm anxiety fire inside, but you're masking it and no one knows you’re on fire inside. You're *present* for that.

### **Hypervigilance = You're hyper-present**

You're too aware. Always scanning, always predicting, always on high alert. You're worried something bad will happen, so you're monitoring everything. You’re trying to predict the future through hypothetical, multi-step mental models. You can't turn off or check out because you're too worried to relax.

### **Functional Depression = You're present but exhausted**

You're showing up. You're doing what needs to be done. You're there. People see you. You're just drained. Masking while depressed is exhausting, but you're still *present* for it. Some people may notice something about your behavior as if they pick up on your depression. Quick thinking has you brush it off as “I’m hanging in there, just tired” or “I’m feeling under the weather” usually does the trick to end someone’s curiosity. If it they don’t buy it, energy reserves are used to mask up at another level to sell the “hanging in there” vibe you want to project.

### **Dissociation = You're not present at all**

Your mind has left. You've checked out. You're not there. No one home.

Someone has to snap their fingers and say, "Yo, wake up!!" to bring you back.

**When do I dissociate vs. mask?**

I mask in public—costs more battery.

I dissociate in private—costs less battery, less surprises.

If I'm depressed or anxious around people and have to function, I mask.

I perform. I'm there.

But when I'm alone—sitting in my car, sitting in a coffee shop by myself, lying in bed—I dissociate. I click out. My brain goes offline, but I click back in when I want too. A new tool hard-earned. It can help with stress, brainstorming, or relaxation.

And during the worst of my depression and homelessness?

I could dissociate in public too. Leaning back in a coffee shop chair, arms crossed, staring at the bottom of my laptop screen, and just... click out.

Gone. For minutes, sometimes longer.

---

**When does dissociation kick in when other things fail?**

When hypervigilance doesn't work.

When masking is too exhausting.

When the overwhelm is too much.

**Think of it like this**: You're a kid. You're in trouble.
You're trying to predict what's coming (hypervigilance), but it doesn't work.
Punishment happens anyway.

The fear and anxiety are so overwhelming that your brain just... checks out.

You dissociate to survive.

That's the pattern.

**Hypervigilance** tries to protect you.

When it fails, **Dissociation** kicks in as the backup to save sanity (or what’s left of it).

---

## **When to Worry?**

Mild dissociation? Normal. Everyone does it.

But you should worry if:

- **You're losing significant chunks of time** — Not "I lost track of time watching a movie." I mean **hours gone** with **no memory** of where they went.
- **You can't remember important conversations or events** — You had a conversation with someone and don't remember it. You did something and have no recollection.
- **You feel disconnected from reality more often than not** — It's not occasional. It happens a lot. It could be from constant exposure to triggers. Or it's your default state—likely in a survival mode mentality.
- **Dissociation is interfering with work, relationships, or safety** — You're spacing out at work and missing deadlines. You're not present in conversations and miss details, or being called upon. You're driving and not just losing time, losing concentration because you’re going too deep and becoming too removed from your current, tangible, situation. That's dangerous time.

If any of that sounds familiar, talk to someone.

A therapist, a doctor, a trusted family member.

Please show yourself some grace and compassion.

I know it may sound impossible to share with someone.

And if you’re bothered by it, don't sit with it alone.

Sometimes speaking to someone you know like a brother/sister is best.

Sometimes speaking to a stranger who is a mental health professional is best because they don’t know you from anyone else on the street.

Whatever you feel comfortable with.

The key is to ask for help.

I didn’t, refused help when offered, and paid for it dearly.

---

## **What Helps?**

Here's what's worked for me:

### **1. Grounding techniques**

These bring you back to your body, back to the present moment:

- **5 senses check** — Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.
- **Physical touch** — Cold water splashed on your face, ice cube in your hand, pressing your feet into the floor, washcloth or hand towel with hot or cold water put on back of your neck
- **Rubber band trick** — Wear a rubber band around either wrist. When you feel yourself dissociating, pull it out and let it snap back against your skin. Not hard—just enough to “snap” you back. It's simple, cheap, and it works. I’ve used it a lot when I’m struggling. Its a good tool.

### **2. Recognizing it when it's happening**

The more aware you are of dissociation, the more you can catch it early. "I'm dissociating right now" is powerful to say to yourself inside. It acknowledges how you currently feel instead of trying to ignore it, block it, numb it, or stuff it away. It gives you a chance to ground yourself before dissociation has too far gone.

### **3. Addressing the overwhelm that triggers it**

Dissociation is your brain's response to "this is too much right now." If you discover ways to reduce the overwhelm—if its therapy, boundaries, removing stressors, building safety—you will reduce the need to dissociate. I can say this from experience.

### **4. Meditation and mindfulness**

I've put in over 30,000 minutes of meditation over multiple years.

I’ve tried many techniques with teachers of all kinds from around the world (thanks Interwebz)

It's been a godsend for grounding.

And if you're thinking, "I can't meditate, I can't stop my brain, I can't sit still"—I get it.

That was 100% me with my hypervigilant mind, hyperaware of my thoughts, emotions, surroundings, antennae on 11. I simply denied myself the chance because I thought, “why bother, it will never work for me.”

---

Here's what works: **start small.**

Set a timer for 15 seconds.

Breathe in, say to yourself, *"I'm aware of my in-breath."*

Breathe out, *"I'm aware of my out-breath."*

Do that until the timer goes off.

Congratulations. You just meditated for 15 seconds!!

Now do 30 seconds. Then a minute. Then two.

Baby steps. One foot in front of the other mindfully.

Before you know it, you'll be doing 10 minutes and it'll feel easy.

Don't punish yourself with an impossible goal.

Start small, experience it fully, and build from there.

That’s what I did.

So, FYI no human can use the excuse of having a scatterbrain because that’s what your’s truly here has. A mind that can feel in more than one place, in more than one time.

---

## **What I Wish Someone Had Told Me**

Dissociation is your brain's way of trying to protect itself.

It's overloaded, so it checks out to avoid enduring more and having you “present to witness and catalog” what is likely a traumatic experience.

That's not weakness.
That's survival.
That’s the human condition.

But it's also not sustainable. Because the more you dissociate, the harder it is to come back. The more it may become your normal, the less connected you are to your own life.

So if you're living with dissociation—especially the severe kind—know this:

**You're not broken. Your brain is doing what it believes is the right thing to keep you alive.**

But you also deserve to be present in your own life.
You deserve to feel grounded, connected, *here.*

And that's possible. It takes work. But it's possible.

I am still alive, and have lived it.

---

**Be well.**

# Final Version

# **Dissociation: When Your Brain Goes Offline**

Have you ever driven somewhere and not remembered the drive?

Zoned out during a conversation and suddenly realized someone asked you a question?

Daydreamed so hard you lost track of time?

That's dissociation.

And before you panic—**everyone does this.** Every human. It's not pathological. It's not always trauma. Sometimes it's just your brain taking a break.

But here's what most people don't know: there's a line between normal spacing out and something more serious. And if you've crossed that line, you need to understand what's happening and why.

I’ve crossed that line with full awareness, and now sharing what I know through lived experience.

This is about where that line is, what dissociation actually looks like across the spectrum, and when it shifts from "garden variety brain break" to "survival mechanism you can't turn off."

---

## **The Spectrum: Mild to Severe**

I believe everything exists on a spectrum. Dissociation is no different.

On one end, it's harmless daydreaming. On the other, it's a clinical symptom of trauma, chronic stress, or mental illness.

Most people live somewhere in the middle and never think twice about it.

Here's how it breaks down:

---

### **MILD: Garden Variety Dissociation**

This is the stuff everyone experiences:

- **Highway hypnosis** — You've driven this route a thousand times. You arrive at work and don't remember the drive. Your brain was on autopilot.
- **Daydreaming** — Thinking about your vacation, your weekend plans, replaying a conversation in your head. You're present, but your attention is absorbed elsewhere.
- **Losing yourself in a book, movie, or game** — Hours pass. You look up and realize it's dark outside. You were *there*, just completely absorbed.

**What makes this mild:** You're still present. You're still *here.* Your attention is just focused somewhere else. You can snap back when needed.

---

### **MODERATE: Checking Out When Overwhelmed**

This is where it starts to shift:

- **Zoning out under stress** — You write your to-do list, see how overwhelming it is, and suddenly... nothing. Your brain just spaces out for five seconds, a minute, longer. You're not thinking about anything specific. You're just *gone*.
- **Feeling detached from your body** — Like you're watching yourself go through the motions. You're there physically, but mentally and emotionally you've checked out. You're thinking about tomorrow, next week, something else—anything but where you are right now.
- **Going through life on autopilot** — You're functioning. Doing tasks. But you're not really *there.* It's like your body is present but your mind isn't.

**What makes this moderate:** You're not engaged. You're floaty. Your body is here, but you're not. You're thinking about other things, or you're just... blank.

Numb Existence vs Living.

---

### **SEVERE: Clinical Dissociation**

This is where it crosses into mental health territory.

- **Losing time** — Not "I lost track of time watching a movie." Rather, you look up and 45 minutes have passed and you have no idea where they went. You were sitting on the edge of your bed, head in your hands, staring at the floor. And then suddenly it's an hour later.
- **Not remembering what you did** — You walked somewhere, had a conversation, did something—and you have no memory of it. Like sleepwalking, but you're awake.
- **Feeling like reality isn't real** — Everything feels fake. Dreamlike. You're watching your life like it's a movie. You feel numb, detached, like you're not actually living your own life.

**What makes this severe:** Your brain has hit the emergency exit. Reality is too much, and dissociation is your escape hatch.

This isn't occasional. This is frequent, involuntary, and interfering with your ability to function.

If you're here, talk to someone.

A therapist, a doctor, a trusted person. Don't sit with it alone.

Getting help feels good, and that is better than where its at, I know I’ve been there.

---

## **When Dissociation Becomes a Survival Tool**

For most people, dissociation is mild and occasional.

A brain break here and there. No big deal.

But for people with trauma, chronic stress, depression, anxiety, or overwhelming circumstances, dissociation becomes automatic.

Your brain learns the habit of: *"This is too much. I'm checking out."*

That's when it shifts from spacing out to coping mechanism.

And eventually, it becomes a survival tool you can't turn off.

### **This happened to me.**

When I first ended up living in my car, I dissociated constantly. I'd sit in parking lots—watching traffic on the 101, watching the waves at Surfer's Point—for hours. I wasn't thinking about anything. I wasn't *there.* I was just... gone.

Because trying to hold space for everything I'd lost—my home, my marriage, my daily role as a father, my income, my entire life—was like standing in front of a 50-foot tsunami and saying, "Yeah, I'll just take the hit."

Bullshit. You're going to get smacked into next week.

If you survive.

So you check out. You dissociate.

Because you can't deal with it.

And the longer you're in that state, the more it becomes your normal.

When a really bad mind space becomes your baseline, when you drop to that level, you suddenly—weirdly—can see some things more clearly.

Because you've passed through them.

You're below them now.

That's when I started recognizing dissociation for what it was. And eventually, I got so familiar with it that I can **trigger it on command**.

I can literally make myself “click out” of reality and dissociate whenever I need to.

Which, if you ask me, isn't normal. But that's what happens when you live in survival mode long enough.

---

## **What Dissociation Feels Like**

Describing dissociation is hard because it's part absence of feeling, and part absence of awareness. But here's my best attempt:

### **Physically:**

- **Numbness** — Like your body has gone offline. You might get tingles when you "come back," like your limbs are waking up.
- **Heaviness or floating** — Sometimes you feel like a slug, lethargic and unmotivated. Other times you feel weightless, disconnected from your body. Sometimes called an "out-of-body" experience.
- **Dizzy, off-balance, or frozen** — Your sense of being "in" your body is disrupted. You might be frozen, staring at a wall or the floor for an hour. It can mess with your balance, make you feel like you're tilting when you're not—likely the inner ear.

### **Mentally:**

- **Foggy or blank** — Your mind isn't sharp. It's not racing. It's just... nothing. Lights on, nobody home. Like your brain's hard drive spun down and the monitor's still on.
- **Watching yourself from outside** — This is the hardest one to explain.
Have you seen *Being John Malkovich*?
Where you’re in a seat behind someone's eyeballs and watch them live their life?

---

### That's what severe dissociation feels like.

You're sitting in a theater seat behind your own eyes, watching yourself go through your day like it's a movie. You're detached. You're not *in* it. You're just observing.

It's disturbing the first time it happens.

You think, ”*What kinda shit is this?”*

But the more you experience it, the more it becomes your normal.

And eventually, you can go 75-80% of your day in that mode and function just fine.

Detached. Observing. Functioning. A spectator of yourself.

---

## **Dissociation vs. Other Coping Mechanisms**

So how is dissociation different from masking, hypervigilance, or functional depression?

Here's the key difference:

### **Masking = You're present but hiding**

You're there. You're engaged. You're just performing normalcy while struggling internally. You might have a three-alarm anxiety fire inside, but you're masking it. You're *present* for that.

### **Hypervigilance = You're hyper-present**

You're too aware. Always scanning, always predicting, always on high alert. You're worried something bad will happen, so you're monitoring everything. You're trying to predict the future through hypothetical, multi-step mental models. You can't check out because you're too worried to relax.

### **Functional Depression = You're present but exhausted**

You're showing up. You're doing what needs to be done. You're there. You're just drained. Masking while depressed is exhausting.

### **Dissociation = You're not present at all**

Your mind has left. You've checked out. You're not there. Someone has to snap their fingers and say, "Yo, wake up" to bring you back.

---

**When did I dissociate vs. mask?**

I masked in public. I dissociated in private.

If I was around people and had to function, I masked to appear as if I wasn’t bothered by anything. I'm there.

But when I was alone—sitting in my car, sitting in a coffee shop by myself—I dissociated.

I clicked out. My brain went offline.

And during the worst of it? I could dissociate in public too.

I'd lean back in my chair in a coffee shop, arms crossed, staring at the bottom of my laptop screen, and just... click out. Gone. For minutes, sometimes longer.

It seemed meditative, but that’s like saying Michael Jackson’s anesthesia was equal to getting real sleep.

---

### When does dissociation kick in when other things fail?

When hypervigilance doesn't work. When masking is too exhausting. When the overwhelm is too much.

Think of it like this: You're a kid. You're in trouble. You're trying to predict what's coming (hypervigilance), but it doesn't work. Punishment happens anyway.

The fear and anxiety are so overwhelming that your brain just... checks out.
You dissociate to survive.

That's the pattern. **Hypervigilance** tries to protect you.

When it fails, **Dissociation** kicks in as the backup.

---

## **When to pause**

Mild dissociation? Normal. Everyone does it.

Be concerned if:

- **You're losing significant chunks of time** — Not "I lost track of time watching a movie." I mean hours gone with no memory of where they went.
- **You can't remember important conversations or events** — You had a conversation with someone and don't remember it. You did something and have no recollection.
- **You feel disconnected from reality more often than not** — It's not occasional. It's frequent. It could be your default state.
- **Dissociation is interfering with work, relationships, safety, or daily living** — You're spacing out at work and missing deadlines. You're not present in conversations. You're home and losing track of big chunks of time.

If any of that sounds familiar, talk to someone.

A therapist, a doctor, a trusted family member. Don't sit with it alone.

---

## **What Helps?**

Here's what's worked for me:

### **1. Grounding techniques**

These bring you back to your body, back to the present moment:

- **5 senses check** — Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.
- **Physical touch** — Cold water splashed on your face, ice cube in your hand, pressing your feet into the floor, hot or cold towel on the back of your neck.
- **Rubber band trick** — Wear a rubber band around your wrist. When you feel yourself dissociating, pull it out and let it snap against your skin. Not hard—just enough to bring you back. It's simple, cheap, and it works. I've used it a lot when I'm struggling.

### **2. Recognizing it when it's happening**

The more aware you are of dissociation, the more you can catch it early. "I'm dissociating right now" is powerful to say to yourself. It acknowledges how you currently feel instead of trying to ignore it, block it, or stuff it away. It gives you a chance to ground yourself before you're too far gone.

### **3. Addressing the overwhelm that triggers it**

Dissociation is your brain's response to "this is too much." So if you can reduce the overwhelm—therapy, boundaries, removing stressors, building safety—you reduce the need to dissociate. I can say this from experience.

### **4. Meditation and mindfulness**

I've put in over 30,000 minutes of meditation across multiple years. I've tried many techniques with teachers from around the world (thanks Internet). It's been a godsend for grounding.

And if you're thinking, "I can't meditate, I can't stop my brain, I can't sit still"—I get it. That was 100% me with my hypervigilant mind, hyperaware of my thoughts, emotions, surroundings, antennae on 11. I simply denied myself the chance because I thought, "Why bother, it will never work for me."

Here's what works: **start small.**

Set a timer for 15 seconds.

Breathe in, say to yourself, *"I'm aware of my in-breath."*

Breathe out, *"I'm aware of my out-breath."*

Repeat until the timer goes off.

Congratulations. You just meditated for 15 seconds.

Now do 30 seconds. Then a minute. Then two.
Baby steps. One foot in front of the other, mindfully.

Before you know it, you'll be doing 10 minutes and it'll feel easy.

Don't punish yourself with an impossible goal.
Start small, experience it fully, and build from there.

That's what I did.

---

## **What I Wish Someone Had Told Me**

Dissociation is your brain's way of trying to protect itself. It's overloaded, so it checks out to avoid enduring more.

That's not weakness. That's survival.

But it's also not sustainable.

Because the more you dissociate, the harder it is to come back. The more it becomes your normal, the less connected you are to your own life. You exist, you don’t live.

So if you're living with dissociation—especially the severe kind—know this:

**You're not broken. Your brain is doing what it thinks it needs to do to keep you alive.**

But you also deserve to be present in your own life.
You deserve to feel grounded, connected, *here.*

And that's possible. It takes effort, but possible.

I have lived it.

---

**Be well.**

# SEO Meta Data

## **IMAGES**

**Base File Title**

```
dissociation-when-your-brain-goes-offline.jpg
```

---

### **Image Title**

**Dissociation: When Your Brain Goes Offline**

---

### **Caption**

A visual metaphor for dissociation—being present physically while mentally observing life from a distance.

(One sentence. Names the idea. Doesn’t explain it to death.)

---

### **Alt Text**

Conceptual illustration representing dissociation, showing fragmented perception and emotional detachment from lived experience.

Neutral, literal, accessible.

---

## **OPTIONAL: Image-Specific Variants (Only if You Want)**

If you decide to differentiate the two images later, here’s a low-effort way to do it.

---

### **IMAGE 1 — Poster / Head System**

**File Title**

```
dissociation-fragmented-self-poster.jpg
```

**Caption**

A visual metaphor for dissociation, showing a fragmented sense of self and disrupted continuity of experience.

**Alt Text**

Abstract illustration of overlapping translucent head silhouettes, representing fragmented identity and dissociation.

---

### **IMAGE 2 — Observer Mode / Eyes**

**File Title**

```
dissociation-observer-mode-looking-through-eyes.jpg
```

**Caption**

A visual metaphor for dissociation as observer mode—seeing the world without fully inhabiting it.

**Alt Text**

Conceptual illustration of translucent eyes revealing an external landscape, representing dissociation and emotional detachment.

---

## **Credit (Use Everywhere, No Variation)**

```
Illustration created with AI, directed by Bert Mahoney.
```

---

## **Quick sanity check (you’re done if true)**

- No metaphor is over-explained
- Language matches the tone of the essay
- Alt text is descriptive, not poetic
- Nothing competes with the writing

If you want next time, I can package this into a **Notion-ready “Image Metadata” template** so it’s literally fill-in-the-blank.

## POST

## **SEO Title**

Dissociation Explained: From Normal Daydreaming to Severe Trauma Response

## **SEO Description**

Everyone dissociates—but there's a line between spacing out and survival mode. Learn what dissociation actually feels like, when to worry, and what helps from someone who lived through severe clinical dissociation.

## **Tags (5 for Substack)**

1. mental health
2. dissociation
3. trauma recovery
4. coping mechanisms
5. lived experience

---

### **Alternative Options:**

**SEO Title (Alt 1):** What Dissociation Really Feels Like: A Firsthand Account of Going Offline

**SEO Title (Alt 2):** The Dissociation Spectrum: When Your Brain's Emergency Exit Won't Turn Off

**SEO Description (Alt 1):** From highway hypnosis to clinical dissociation—understand the spectrum, recognize the warning signs, and learn grounding techniques that actually work. A raw, honest guide from lived experience.

**SEO Description (Alt 2):** Think you're just spacing out? Learn the difference between normal dissociation and a trauma response you can't control. Includes what it feels like, when to get help, and practical tools that work.

# Awareness Content

All material for this Post

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Dissociation Post 2f2ffa30cf0b805594c9f7311c95b93a.md

Dissociation Post


[Assistant]
# Emotional Reasoning

Status: Planned
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Emotional Reasoning 211ffa30cf0b80f69066dfb61203c45a.md

Emotional Reasoning


[Assistant]
# Flexible

Status: Planned
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Flexible 211ffa30cf0b80b2b185c414ea06f141.md

Flexible


[Assistant]
# Fortune Telling

Status: Planned
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Fortune Telling 211ffa30cf0b8097a44cf9da1f2d86e4.md

Fortune Telling


[Assistant]
# Functional Depression

Status: Blog Published
Episode Type: Article
Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Published @: Barely But Here
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Functional Depression 2e6ffa30cf0b8087aae4f1ff9cf41eba.md

Functional Depression


[Assistant]
# Gratitude

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Gratitude


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# Grey is Good

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Grey is Good 211ffa30cf0b80eb8becf996c2ae4688.md

Grey is Good


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# Growth Mindset

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Growth Mindset


[Assistant]
# Hypervigilance Post (Final Draft) — Third post on survival mechanism that never shuts off; beaten dog opening, sensory overload details, ready to publish Sunday.

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Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Hypervigilance Post (Final Draft) — Third post on  2f2ffa30cf0b80448877c395d339242c.md

Hypervigilance Post (Final Draft) — Third post on survival mechanism that never shuts off; beaten dog opening, sensory overload details, ready to publish Sunday.


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# Losing Agency Post 01

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# First Draft

Losing agency of your life. Who was I before everything got erased? Father, husband, designer, coach. What roles gave you identity, self-worth, self-value? Don't idealize it, just describe it as it was. What did your daily life look like
when you had agency over it? What choices did you make? What did you control? Paint the picture of your life you had before the erasure. Okay, I'm going to keep this as high level as possible so I don't go on forever into detail. So if I do go off on a tangent, I'll stop myself when I realize it and I will tell you
where to join back to it. So who was I before everything got erased? Well, I was married at the time of separation. I had been married 22 years. I was a dad or I am a dad, I still am. A father, I raised three
boys who are now all young men, the youngest of which is 19, the oldest is 25. And my profession was at was or is, I still am a designer. But that's what
I did professionally to make money. And I was a coach, a soccer coach for five years from 2014 until 2019. So yeah, 2014.
Those five years. And what I found, obviously being on the other side, that all of these roles gave me my entire identity. I had no identity separate from my role.
I derived what self worth I had and what self value I had from my roles as a husband, a father, professionally as a designer and as a soccer coach.
I started playing video games since I was seven and I started coaching when I was 44. So that was I feel, looking back, a good choice to coach my youngest son
from nothing. And within three years, we won the league, we nearly had an undefeated season. We were 11 wins and one loss. So I got a lot from that identity as a coach. And I got a lot
of identity from being a dad, because my guys are awesome and I love them so very much. I'm not going to idealize that. But suffice it to say, what I discovered is that in those roles and when raising kids, life felt very busy. So
looking back, I feel as though I lost myself, like my real self, in those roles. And I would not or I did not know who I was outside of those roles when I was back in them, when that existed for me. That was my existence.
So my daily life when, let's say, we were in the middle of raising kids, this would have been like 2010 to 2012, say. A normal day would be wake up, get the kids up, get them fed, get them ready for school or help them get ready for school, take them to school. Then I would come back.
And be able to do my design work. Then I would have to pick up the kids from school. Mid afternoon, I would either bring them home or if they had some afternoon activity, I'd take them to that. Then I'd go back and work more, a couple more hours. And
then it'd be dinner time. Then after dinner, I spent time with the family and with the kids until it was time to read stories and go to bed. And reading stories to my boys every night when they were, you know, wee little toddlers until, you know, through grade school,
until basically junior high when, when they would go, it would just, I never felt awkward to me, but they were like, there was a sense that I'm too old for this, which is fine. I get it. So yeah, that's kind of what my life looked like when I had agency over it.
And I'm, you know, I made a choice to be extremely active in my, all of my boys upbringing in their daily lives. I was a big part of that and I'm glad that I did that. I have a lot of good memories when, you know, I have time and space and a calmness to be able to pull
them up. So yeah. What did I control? I controlled whether or not I worked sometimes. For example, in the afternoon, I could take the dog and go for a three mile hike in the foothills of the Los Padres National Forest, a beautiful area.
Very hot and dry in the summertime, but in the winter, this time of year, it's January right now. It's kind of idyllic. The temps are in the sixties, low seventies. So going up a hike and a very high peak is much easier to do or to take on climbing up a canyon. So I also
saw myself as like an avid hiker. I lost my identity in that and I got self-worth out of that. And being a husband, because one of the choices I made was to be actively supportive of
my spouse's desire, drive, wish. I don't know what to call it, but she wanted to qualify for the World Championships in Kona, Hawaii, the Ironman World Championships. And in order to do that, you got to finish top three to five at a regular Ironman
race and training for an Ironman is incredibly time consuming. So she had to train a lot and I'd watch the boys, which is totally fine. Like I said, I, I'm happy to be with my guys and
the choice I made was that I didn't have enough self-value and self-worth to speak up for myself in terms of wanting time alone with her, just me and her. So we could keep
the relationship alive, you know, the relationship we had before we had kids and we were young and I mean, we had so much fun. Fucking crying now. I had a really great fucking life.
Even if I was lost in all of that, it was truly idyllic location. My ex-wife is incredibly beautiful inside and out. She's an Ironman World Champion now and she's an incredible equestrian.
It's as if she can mind meld with horses. She's incredibly talented artist and an amazing mom. And I really miss her.
So that was the before version of my life before I lost it at all. So what walk you through the two months when it all came apart, one side living in the home with the family, the other side, your belongings and storage living in your car,
camping at state campgrounds until you ran out of money. What were the specific moments or decisions yours or not yours that moved you from one side to the other? How fast did it happen? Was there a single day when you realized the whiteboard had been erased? What did you like to wait? Why did it feel like to watch your life disappear while you were still in it? Okay, here we go.
I had to wipe off my tears. My face was full of it. So the separation took place in where I actually moved out of the house.
Was June of 2023. The middle of or second week of June, I moved out. Leading up to me being out of the house at the second week of June. The I'd say three to six weeks prior.
Was a process of slowly removing my belongings from the house, backing it in boxes and bringing it down into the garage and staging it. And then I would load the car with as much stuff as I could and drive into town and unload my stuff into a storage unit. And I did that for weeks.
And it was a keep stuff, giveaway stuff and trash stuff. So there was a good purge, too. So, yeah, leading up to actually having all my shit out and actually pulling out of the driveway. That was the second week of June. And it was really hard to pull out of the driveway that last time and go to
the go to the local campground. So. It would have been. Twenty twenty one in July was. When. Is what we consider the official
separation is July of twenty twenty one. I'd like to not mention that in in this at all. And in fact. Thinking about it, I I don't would like you not to go into a lot of detail about. How much I miss my ex-wife and. And how much I love her, I mean, I should.
Feel free to express that. But I know that she reads this and. I'm unsure how it would be received, so I'd rather not. Create trouble when there doesn't need to be any. So.
July twenty twenty one and by twenty twenty two. I voluntarily decided to move out of the house. Because my ex did not feel safe in the house with me any longer.
I was never violent towards her, so I'm unsure why she felt unsafe. And I'd like none of that mentioned, please. So. My boys saw me move out, pack my stuff and.
Move out. My oldest son was very was upset. And he. Sided with his mom fully and. In his eyes, I'm to blame, but I didn't want the divorce and I made that very clear to him. I said if. In order to get your story straight, you need to go sit down with your mom. And ask her questions.
Because I've told you, I did not want this divorce. I wanted to go to couples counseling and work through it and heal it, heal the marriage and. Have an even more incredible life together than we had. I was wanting to take it all to the next level. Because I knew we could do it.
I was also made some promises. And. Her mind changed a few times. And in those moments and decisions were, which were not mine. They.
Psychologically and metaphorically moved me from one side. To the other. So. The moving out, like I said. Three to six weeks prior to that second week of June. And then.
It was surreal to pack my shit. And move it out of the house. In. Twenty twenty three. Because. I had moved into that house in two thousand and eight. When my youngest son was two. And I moved out.
His senior year of high school. At his mom's request. In hindsight, I. I. Should not have done that. I should have requested to stay living there. Separately in a separate room. I'd be fine with that. And. Get to stay there through my son's senior year.
I was there for his both his brothers. For educational time. I'm I regret not asking. To have that time. With him. Which would have given me time with the other guys too. So. It was really surreal. You know what I. And when I think about it.
Day to day. I was. Really dissociated and very numb because it was the only way I could survive. I know that when I was moving stuff to storage. I would cry a lot in the car on the way down there. Moving the stuff in and out. You know, moving it into the storage unit. Driving back up. When I was alone by myself.
I was there for most of that time. Yeah. Yeah. I was weeping. I was crying for. The life I was losing. I was very aware of it as it was happening. But at the same time, it was so painful. I. I had to dissociate.
So, yeah, I started camping at the campground. I camped there for a few days. And then. I stayed. I actually stayed for a little bit. And then what I decided to do was drive to across the country. And I headed towards Colorado to be with cousins and aunts who live there.
So. What does it feel like. To have every role gone at once. To lose everything that defined me simultaneously. The. Idea of. Being uprooted comes to mind.
I mean by that is the way you would. Pull weeds out of a garden. And because you want to get it roots and all. And I've done that enough times to know. But by enough times, I mean, we did the. Weeding a garden. That. I've uprooted a lot of plants. So. You know, with I had roots there.
I had lived. At that location longer than 2008. I had been there. Since. Before the turn of the century, I had been on that. In that location for. Nearly a quarter of a century. And I had to move away from it. I move out. So that really hurt. So.
What was left. You know, I was really lost and I was really numb. I. I. Was numb and then slowly the awareness that I. Was not going to be a husband anymore. Obviously that dawned on me. I cried pretty much. I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night.
Because. I was grieving for everything I lost. Losing. My home and location where I had spent. At that time. Just about half of my life. So. It fucking hurt. Deeply.
Like a. Japanese warrior who does harikiri with the samurai sword. They have that ceremony where they ultimately take the sword and put it through themselves just below the sternum and.
It's a gutting. That's what I. I felt gutted. And it was like a combination of numbness and this weird vacuum. That. I was losing these things and. I realized suddenly there was this gigantic space. Inside of me. And. I realized.
Oh, I'm not a coach anymore. I'm not. Being active. I'm not actively a father day in day out. Up until the day I moved out of there. I had been with my boys every single fucking day of their lives. Crying. It's quite emotional.
Because when I say it, it brings it all back. So. Even though. I was still my boy's father. I psychologically mentally my psyche. I felt like. My being a father.
Was stripped away from me because I couldn't be a part of their daily lives anymore. So. I was left with a big empty hole and I didn't know who I was. So. You know who was I didn't know I was asking myself that very question. Who am I. Who am I. And I didn't
I didn't know the answer. I couldn't even tell you. You know. What some of my favorite things were. I. Someone said it today. And it was a beautiful way of putting it. I was the pit crew for everybody else's life. And mine just kind of got left by the wayside. That's when I said.
I lost myself in being a father and being a husband and being a coach. That's what I mean. I didn't have an identity that was separate from those things. So when I lost those things. It was like losing. Losing my entire being. Or. That's how I felt at that time. Only later did I realize what I lost was.
Ego identity that I had. Lived into. And I psychologically fell into a hole into each of those things and lost connection with my inner self and my. Self that is separate from all other things. And of course I realize all this now.
So when people ask what do I do or tell me about yourself. What do I say when those old answers are gone. I'm honest with them. They say what do you do. I say right now I'm rebuilding my life. My life fell apart. And then tell me about yourself is the same thing. I say that recently divorced.
I lost my home. I lost my daily role as a father. I lost. What little finances I had because I spent it on food and campgrounds and the stuff of daily living. And. And traveling because I traveled to the East Coast.
To visit my. Family I grew up with. So. I don't want to go into any more of the East Coast stuff. So. I'm going to stop there for now. That's a half an hour.

# Final Post

## Losing Agency Part 1: The Erasure

I heard Tony Robbins call humans "Distortion-Deletion Creatures." We distort reality to make it bearable and delete what we can't process. We curate a narrative.

I didn't understand what he meant until I lost agency of my life in two months.

Then I became a case study in deletion.

Everything I had spent all my times towards on my life's whiteboard—father, husband, designer, coach—erased.

Not metaphorically. Actually **gone**.

This is the story of the erasure. Part 1 of 3.

---

## The Whiteboard

Before my whiteboard got wiped clean, things looked like this:

**Father.** Three boys. I raised them with their mom from birth. I was there every day of their lives until the day I moved out. Every morning, rides to school, and back, meals, and every bedtime story through grade school. Active, present, involved. That wasn't just what I did—it was who I was.

I was “Papa.”

**Husband.** 22 years married. I supported my spouse's bucket list dream to qualify for the Ironman World Championships in Kona. That meant she trained constantly, and I watched the boys. I didn't mind—I loved being with my guys. But I also lost myself somewhere in there. I didn't have enough self-worth to speak up for what I needed. Time alone with her, and time to have fun together. Time to keep the relationship alive outside of parenthood, and everything else.

I just... disappeared into being supportive and not sharing.

I wanted to avoid distracting focus on training and racing. It was partly a conscious choice, and over time I found myself stuffing down more and more emotions to not make a ruckus. Remember, who am I to ask for anything? Subconsciously the choice was follow the directive. I need to be “*seen and not heard*.”

I did it unconsciously because it was my programming since kindergarten. Remember Great-Grandpa Pipier at my granny’s kitchen table playing nickle/dime/quarter poker telling me to “get small” when I simply asked him a question about the game. Interestingly I ask relatives today about him, and apparently he was not the most pleasant of people. The fear he generated was heavy, intimidating, and intense. I believe I never said another word to him in my life until his passing.

Its both weird and profound how one interaction, one phrase, could literally change my subconscious and change how I operate in the world.

That moment **changed my life, and not for the better.**

**Designer.** That's what I did professionally. 30 years across 8 design disciplines, 30 business sectors. It paid some bills. It was a professional identity that I lost myself in. This was a place of severe self-inflicted psychological woulds. Imposter syndrome, shame for ‘not being good enough’ inside my head, and guilt on the outside for the cycles of feast or famine of the wallet.

Honestly? It was another role I performed, and with feast/famine, imposter syndrome, low confidence. I found myself in a deeply unhealthy headspace that never got the professional help it should have, and that’s on me.

There was a part of me that wanted to inflict more suffering because “**I deserved it.**” Why? Because internally I held myself to an impossible, perfect standard that set the bar in the stratosphere. I subconsciously continually set myself up for failure—unable to meet all the demands/tasks I had outlined for any day. This behavior reinforced the “not good enough” story and made it harder to feel good about anything accomplished because, “look what I didn’t get done!” A distortion-deletion machine in action.

Looking back it’s a head space that has produced profoundly negative outcomes in my life. It contributed to losing everything I had both lost myself in, and held dear to my heart.

**Coach.** Five years coaching soccer, 2014-2019. Started coaching my youngest son from nothing. Within three years, the team was league champions, nearly undefeated. The team was promoted up a division. I got a lot of identity from that. Pride. Purpose. Sharing something I knew well.

Confirmed real-world proof I was good at something.

**Location.** I lived in the same place for nearly a quarter-century. From before the turn of the century through 2023. The foothills of Los Padres National Forest in the Ojai Valley of California. Beautiful, idyllic. I could take my dog on three-mile hikes in the afternoons when work allowed. Temps in the 60s and 70s in winter, perfect for climbing canyons. I had roots in the dirt on the miles of trails there. Deep ones.

That was the life. And looking back now, I realize something:

**I had no identity separate from—or outside of—those roles.**

I was Father. Husband. Designer. Coach. Hiker. Supporter & IRONFAN.

And I didn't know who I was outside of them.

I never asked myself, and lacked the necessary self-awareness toolkit. Without proper reflection or outside perspective I lived into the roles and lost the “me” I’m now getting back into.

They provided me moments of whatever self-worth and self-value I experienced in my life during those years.

All my self-esteem was outsourced outside myself.

I unconsciously and subconsciously neglected my inner world and self-esteem.

I was the pit crew for everyone else's life.

My identity and self-worth seemingly melted slowly like glacier’s over the course of a multi-decade journey.

---

## The Two-Month Collapse

The marriage separation process stretched over two years. But the actual moving-out—the physical erasure—happened in June 2023.

Three to six weeks before that second week of June, I started packing my things.

Slowly removing my belongings from the house, boxing them up, staging them in the garage. Then I'd load the car with as much as I could fit and drive into town to unload everything into a storage unit.

I did that for weeks.

Keep stuff. Give away stuff. Trash stuff. A good purge, too.

It was surreal to pack my life into boxes. To move it out of the house I'd lived in since 2008. The house where my youngest son was two years old when we moved in. The house I was leaving during his senior year of high school.

I should have asked to stay. Separately, in another room—I would've been fine with that. Just to be there for his senior year, like I'd been there for his brothers. But I didn't ask. And I regret that.

I was very aware of what I was losing as it was happening.

But the pain was so intense that I had to dissociate just to function.

Day to day, I was numb. Moving boxes. Driving to storage. Coming back.

When I was alone in the car, I cried. A lot.

I wept for the life I was losing. But when I had to interact with anyone—my boys, my soon-to-be ex-wife—I went numb.

It was the only way to survive.

The second week of June, I loaded the last of my belongings and pulled out of the driveway for the final time.

I drove to the local campground. And that was it.

Twenty-five years in one location. Gone.

---

## The Gutting

There's a Japanese ritual called seppuku—sometimes called harikiri—where a samurai takes a sword and drives it through their own abdomen, just below the sternum.

It's a gutting. Ceremonial, deliberate, final.

That's what it **felt** like.

Not the ceremonial part—that comes later, when I filed for divorce.

But the gutting? That happened in those two months.

I felt this weird combination of numbness and vacuum.

Like there was suddenly this gigantic empty space inside me where my identity used to be.

*I'm not a coach anymore.*

*I'm not actively a father day-in, day-out.*

*I'm not a husband any longer.*

Even though I was still technically my boys' father, psychologically my brain told me that being a father had been stripped away. Because I couldn't be part of their daily lives anymore. Being a physical daily presence—that's what fatherhood **was** to me.

So I was left with what I saw as a big empty hole. And I didn't know who I was.

### **Who am I?**

I asked myself that question over and over. And I couldn't answer it.

I couldn't tell you what some of my favorite things were.

I'd lost myself so completely in being a father, a husband, a coach, that when those things were gone, there was nothing underneath to “hang on to.”

It felt like losing my entire being at the time.

Only later did I realize what I'd actually lost. The ego and identity I constructed from the roles I'd lived into so deeply. I psychologically fell into each one and lost connection with my inner self. The self that exists separate from all other things, the observer.

But in that moment? I had no fucking clue.

I just knew **I was gutted**.

---

## What People Ask

When people ask "What do you do?" or "Tell me about yourself," what do you say when all those old answers are gone?

I'm honest.

<aside>

*Right now, I'm rebuilding my life. My life fell apart.

I'm recently divorced. I lost my home. I lost my daily role as a father. I lost what little finances I had because I spent it on food and campgrounds and the basic stuff of staying alive.*

</aside>

That's the answer now.

Not father, husband, designer, coach.

Just: *I'm rebuilding.*

Because my whiteboard of life got erased.

And I'm still contemplating if there is a whiteboard at all.

---

## This Is Part 1 of 3

This is the erasure. The moment everything on the whiteboard got wiped clean. The roles gone, the identity collapsed, the gutting. But this isn't where it ends.

### **This is Part 1 of a 3-part series on losing agency.**

In **Part 2**, t**he weird duality of existing in two worlds simultaneously.**
I'll walk you through what it's like to “live outside the snow globe”—watching life happen around you while you're no longer inside it—yours in ‘on-hold.’ The campground-to-street transition. The Starbucks mornings pretending to still be part of society.

In **Part 3, Who am I now?**
I explore what agency actually remains when everything's been stripped away. What you can control versus what controls you. The difference between "I made bad choices" and "the ground disappeared beneath me." And what it means to rebuild when you don't even know who you are anymore.

For now, I know this: **I'm still here. I survived the erasure, and you are reading these words.**

And that is so you know you can too.

Reminds me of a great Elton John song, “I’m still standing.”

---

**Part 2 coming Sunday.
Be well.**

Projects/Barely, But Here/Media Publishing/Episodes/Losing Agency Post 01 2f2ffa30cf0b80c9a643eb9740f358c4.md

Losing Agency Post 01