[Assistant]
# Resources

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/light-bulb_yellow.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/light-bulb_yellow.svg" width="40px" />

[Articles, videos, interviews, or references you need to read/watch beforehand]

</aside>

[Additional Resources (1)](Resources/Additional%20Resources%20(1)%201b4ffa30cf0b81efa6c2f3050d0ddbae.csv)

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (2)/Resources 1b4ffa30cf0b81238654e56e4732a41b.md

Resources


[Assistant]
Name,Status
Initial Research,Not started
Guest Research,Not started
Pre-Conversation,Not started
Interview Research,Not started
Conversation Structure,Not started
Resources,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (2) 1b4ffa30cf0b815abe87c6a26e239f2a.csv


[Assistant]
Name,Status
Interview Research,Not started
Resources,Not started
Guest Research,Not started
Pre-Conversation,Not started
Conversation Structure,Not started
Initial Research,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (2) 1b4ffa30cf0b815abe87c6a26e239f2a_all.csv


[Assistant]
# Content Review

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" width="40px" /> **Notes**

---

- **How would you rate the overall flow of the conversation?**

    [Did it stay on topic? Were there any moments where it felt stalled?]

- **What was the audience takeaway?**

    [What value or insights do you think listeners will gain from this episode?]

- **Any missed opportunities?**

    [Were there topics you wanted to explore but didn’t?]

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3)/Content Review 1b4ffa30cf0b8198abb9e2773fc702d2.md

Content Review


[Assistant]
# Guest Dynamics

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" width="40px" /> **Notes**

---

- **How was the chemistry with your guest?**

    [Did the conversation feel natural? Was there mutual engagement?]

- **What insights or memorable moments stood out?**

    [Mention key takeaways, interesting points, or unique perspectives shared by the guest.]

- **What questions or topics resonated most with the guest?**

    [List parts of the conversation where the guest was most animated or engaged.]

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3)/Guest Dynamics 1b4ffa30cf0b810da063deb0e34750a2.md

Guest Dynamics


[Assistant]
# Hosting Performance

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" width="40px" /> **Notes**

---

- **What did you do well as a host?**

    [Examples: Keeping the conversation flowing, asking thoughtful follow-up questions, etc.]

- **What challenges did you face during the recording?**

    [Examples: Interruptions, losing focus, technical issues, etc.]

- **What feedback did you get from your guest (if any)?**

    [Summarize any direct or indirect feedback.]

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3)/Hosting Performance 1b4ffa30cf0b8117afd0e637b923213b.md

Hosting Performance


[Assistant]
# Post-Recording Reflections

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" width="40px" /> **Notes**

---

- **What feedback have you received (if the episode is already published)?**

    [Share any listener comments or metrics from the episode.]

- **What did you learn from this episode?**

    [Highlight personal or professional takeaways.]

- **What action steps will you take for future episodes?**

    [List concrete plans to improve or iterate on your podcast.]

    Note them here: ‣

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3)/Post-Recording Reflections 1b4ffa30cf0b813b82b4e442b97edc18.md

Post-Recording Reflections


[Assistant]
# Preparation Reflection

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" width="40px" /> **Notes**

---

- **How did the preparation process go?**

    [Were you well-prepared? Did you feel confident in your research?]

- **What worked well during preparation?**

    [Highlight any effective methods, resources, or tools you used.]

- **What could be improved?**

    [Identify any areas where preparation could have been better.]

    Note them here: [Improvements](../../../Improvements%20185ffa30cf0b81ed9d04f8528fabe35b.md)

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3)/Preparation Reflection 1b4ffa30cf0b815195afe867c54ef3d9.md

Preparation Reflection


[Assistant]
# Technical Aspects

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/thought_green.svg" width="40px" /> **Notes**

---

- **How did the recording setup perform?**

    [Rate the audio and video quality, technical execution, and any issues encountered.]

- **What improvements can be made to the setup or process?**

    [Mention areas like editing, soundproofing, camera angles, etc.]

    Note them here: [Improvements](../../../Improvements%20185ffa30cf0b81ed9d04f8528fabe35b.md)

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3)/Technical Aspects 1b4ffa30cf0b8110b251d6dd7b4d9da4.md

Technical Aspects


[Assistant]
Name,Status
Preparation Reflection,Not started
Hosting Performance,Not started
Guest Dynamics,Not started
Content Review,Not started
Technical Aspects,Not started
Post-Recording Reflections,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3) 1b4ffa30cf0b81e096b0e29a5c4868e8.csv


[Assistant]
Name,Status
Guest Dynamics,Not started
Technical Aspects,Not started
Hosting Performance,Not started
Post-Recording Reflections,Not started
Preparation Reflection,Not started
Content Review,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode Preparation (3) 1b4ffa30cf0b81e096b0e29a5c4868e8_all.csv


[Assistant]
# Audio Podcast

Tags: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" width="40px" />

 **Notes**

---

[Instruction](../../../Assets%20185ffa30cf0b81379b72f186d453a569.md) for editing

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production/Audio Podcast 1b4ffa30cf0b81aeafb8c53256c65445.md

Audio Podcast


[Assistant]
# Episode Titel

Tags: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/news_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/news_blue.svg" width="40px" />

**Titel**

---

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production/Episode Titel 1b4ffa30cf0b8199a4faf5a066dacc3d.md

Episode Titel


[Assistant]
# Episode cover art

Tags: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" width="40px" />

 **Notes**

---

| **Size** | **Max file Size** | **Formats** |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 3000 x 3000px (minimum 1400 x 1400px) | 512KB | JPEG, PNG |
</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production/Episode cover art 1b4ffa30cf0b81c09ec7fb2345d19937.md

Episode cover art


[Assistant]
# Show Notes

Tags: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/news_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/news_blue.svg" width="40px" />

**Show Notes**

---

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production/Show Notes 1b4ffa30cf0b8180ac7cc2ea318bce03.md

Show Notes


[Assistant]
# Video Podcast

Tags: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" width="40px" />

 **Notes**

---

[Instruction](../../../Assets%20185ffa30cf0b81379b72f186d453a569.md) for editing

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production/Video Podcast 1b4ffa30cf0b8155992aead40c086d84.md

Video Podcast


[Assistant]
# Youtube Thumbnail

Tags: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" width="40px" />

 **Notes**

---

| **Size** | **Max file Size** | **Formats** |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 1280 x 720px  | 2MB | JPEG, PNG |
</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production/Youtube Thumbnail 1b4ffa30cf0b8129b0aece536ca07319.md

Youtube Thumbnail


[Assistant]
Name,Tags
Episode Titel,Not started
Show Notes,Not started
Audio Podcast,Not started
Episode cover art,Not started
Video Podcast,Not started
Youtube Thumbnail,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production 1b4ffa30cf0b8138b68dfde6fa458d68.csv


[Assistant]
Name,Tags
Youtube Thumbnail,Not started
Video Podcast,Not started
Show Notes,Not started
Episode Titel,Not started
Audio Podcast,Not started
Episode cover art,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post Production 1b4ffa30cf0b8138b68dfde6fa458d68_all.csv


[Assistant]
# Instagram Story

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" width="40px" />

 **Notes**

---

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Promotion Overview/Instagram Story 1b4ffa30cf0b8124856ceda557598c08.md

Instagram Story


[Assistant]
# Linkedin Post

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" width="40px" />

 **Post**

---

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Promotion Overview/Linkedin Post 1b4ffa30cf0b81babe65e878a56952e4.md

Linkedin Post


[Assistant]
# Reels

Status: Not started

<aside>
<img src="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" alt="https://www.notion.so/icons/clipping_blue.svg" width="40px" />

 **Notes**

---

</aside>

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Promotion Overview/Reels 1b4ffa30cf0b810b9fb8edfeea1d1046.md

Reels


[Assistant]
Name,Status
Linkedin Post,Not started
Instagram Story,Not started
Reels,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Promotion Overview 1b4ffa30cf0b814a99fceb8690748c3f.csv


[Assistant]
Name,Status
Reels,Not started
Instagram Story,Not started
Linkedin Post,Not started

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Promotion Overview 1b4ffa30cf0b814a99fceb8690748c3f_all.csv


[Assistant]
# TransmissionX_Episodes_Template

Production Status: Template
Audio is…: template
Done?: Done
Type: Template
Urgency: —
Video Status: x_template

## Episode Preparation

A god preparation sets the foundation for a natural flow while leaving room for spontaneity and authentic storytelling.

Effective preparation involves researching the guest’s background, identifying key topics, and crafting thoughtful questions that align with the episode’s theme and creating a compelling and seamless conversation

[Episode Preparation (2)](TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode%20Preparation%20(2)%201b4ffa30cf0b815abe87c6a26e239f2a.csv)

---

## For Each Episode…

### Audacity Settings:

Initial Recording Setup in Audacity:

1. Project Rate (bottom left of window)
    - Set to 44100 Hz
2. Recording Settings (Edit > Preferences > Quality)
    - Default Sample Format: 32-bit float
    - Default Sample Rate: 44100 Hz
    - Real-time Conversion: High Quality
    - High-Quality Sample Rate Converter: High Quality

Processing Chain in Audacity (apply in this order):

1. Noise Reduction (Effect > Noise Reduction)
    - First: Select a quiet part of your recording
    - Click "Get Noise Profile"
    - Then select entire track
    - Recommended settings:
        - Noise Reduction: 6-12 dB
        - Sensitivity: 6.00
        - Frequency smoothing: 3
        - Click "Preview" to test
2. High-Pass Filter (Effect > Filter Curve or Effects > High Pass Filter)
    - Cutoff frequency: 80-100 Hz
    - Rolloff: 48 dB/octave
3. EQ (Effect > Graphic EQ)
Suggested settings:
    - Cut 200-300 Hz: reduce by 2-3 dB
    - Boost 2-3 kHz: increase by 2-3 dB
    - Subtle boost at 100-150 Hz: increase by 1-2 dB
    - Light boost at 8-10 kHz: increase by 1-2 dB
4. Compression (Effect > Compressor)
    - Threshold: -18 dB
    - Ratio: 2:1
    - Attack Time: 10 ms
    - Release Time: 60 ms
    - Make-up gain: Adjust to match original volume
    - Check "Use peak" rather than RMS
5. Normalize (Effect > Normalize)
    - Set peak amplitude to -1.0 dB
    - Check both "Normalize peak amplitude" and "DC offset"
6. Limiter (Effect > Limiter)
    - Type: Hard Limit
    - Input Gain: 0 dB
    - Limit to: -1.0 dB
    - Hold: 10 ms
    - Apply Make-up Gain: unchecked

Export Settings:

1. File > Export > Export as MP3
    - Bit Rate Mode: Variable
    - Quality: Standard, 170-210 kbps
    - Channel Mode: Joint Stereo
    - Fill in ID3 tags with your episode info

Pro Tips for Audacity:

1. Create a Template:
    - Set up a project with your preferred tracks and settings
    - Save as template (File > Save Project As Template)
2. Use Chains (Tools > Macros):
    - Create a macro of your processing chain
    - Apply same settings to future episodes consistently
3. Essential Keyboard Shortcuts:
    - Spacebar: Play/Stop
    - Shift + A: Zoom to selection
    - Ctrl + 1: Zoom in
    - Ctrl + 3: Zoom out
    - Ctrl + Z: Undo
4. Before Recording:
    - Check input levels with meter tool
    - Record short test and adjust gain
    - Enable "Software Playthrough" in preferences if monitoring with headphones
5. While Recording:
    - Keep an eye on the recording meter
    - Aim for peaks between -12 dB and -6 dB
    - Leave headroom for processing
6. After Recording:
    - Save project file (.aup3) immediately
    - Make backup copy
    - Process one step at a time
    - Listen after each effect
    - Save different versions if unsure

Would you like me to explain any of these steps in more detail or provide specific guidance for certain types of content (like interviews vs. solo episodes)?

### Episode Details:

- Title (clear and descriptive)
- Description
- Tags
- Season/Episode numbers if applicable
- Include ID3 tags with episode metadata — for MP3 file.

---

## Post Production

The quality of a podcast relies heavily on the postproduction process, where raw recordings are transformed into polished, professional episodes that captivate listeners.

This includes editing the **audio podcast** for clarity and flow, designing eye-catching **episode cover art**, creating a polished **video podcast**, and crafting an attention-grabbing **YouTube thumbnail**. Together, these elements ensure a cohesive, high-quality experience for your audience across all platforms.

[Post Production](TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Post%20Production%201b4ffa30cf0b8138b68dfde6fa458d68.csv)

---

## Promotion

Effective promotion is essential to reach a wider audience and grow its impact.

A strategic promotion plan ensures each episode gets the visibility it deserves and builds a loyal listener base.

[Promotion Overview](TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Promotion%20Overview%201b4ffa30cf0b814a99fceb8690748c3f.csv)

---

## Episode Reflection

The success of a podcast episode lies in delivering value, entertainment, and connection to the audience.

To continuously improve, it’s essential to reflect on finished episodes to assess what worked well and what could be enhanced. These reflection sessions should provide clear, actionable insights while staying concise and focused on the core aspects of the episode.

[Episode Preparation (3)](TransmissionX_Episodes_Template/Episode%20Preparation%20(3)%201b4ffa30cf0b81e096b0e29a5c4868e8.csv)

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/TransmissionX_Episodes_Template 1b4ffa30cf0b802d9bf7d55e39118ae6.md

TransmissionX_Episodes_Template


[Assistant]
# Untitled

Audio is…: no_script
Done?: Not started
Urgency: none
Video Status: Interesting Topic

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/Untitled 1aaffa30cf0b80fe9507da2249974384.md

Untitled


[Assistant]
# Editing Checklist

# A-Cut

---

- [ ]  Add footage to Premiere and wait for ingest
- [ ]  Ensure audio is on Track 1 and sound similar to previous published video
- [ ]  Cut A-Roll
- [ ]  Watch through video to check for good flow
- [ ]  Add color-graded adjustment layer
- [ ]  Upload A-Cut to [Frame.io](http://frame.io) for review

# B-Roll, Stage 1

---

- [ ]  Watch through A-Cut and note any needed fixes
- [ ]  Create chronological list of B-Roll with descriptions
- [ ]  Tag B-Roll ideas with Gather types
- [ ]  Acquire all needed B-Roll
- [ ]  Add all B-Roll items to Premiere and wait for ingest
- [ ]  Rename all B-Roll items in Premiere to be more descriptive
- [ ]  Add all Premiere B-Roll to main sequence
- [ ]  Export medium-bitrate 1080p Animation Cut for AE Animations

# B-Roll, Stage 2

---

- [ ]  Create Animations.aep in project Drive folder using AE template project
- [ ]  Add Animation Cut to AE and create a master composition from it
- [ ]  Add all graphics and animations in AE
- [ ]  Import AE project into Premiere and put on top layer of main sequence
- [ ]  Add any needed transitions
- [ ]  Add any needed SFX
- [ ]  Add music
- [ ]  Watch through video to check for errors (including spelling errors)
- [ ]  Export video - H.264, YouTube 1080p preset

# Captions

---

- [ ]  Upload final video to Rev and order captions
- [ ]  When captions arrive, save to project folder

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/Video Template/Editing Checklist 1c0ffa30cf0b81429582f943ca82e3a4.md

Editing Checklist


[Assistant]
# Publishing Checklist

# Uploading and Publishing

---

- [ ]  Create thumbnail and test with thumbsup.tv
- [ ]  Test title variations with Headline Analyzer
- [ ]  Upload video to YouTube
- [ ]  Set video recording date
- [ ]  Add thumbnail
- [ ]  Add description
    - [ ]  Include any needed resource links
    - [ ]  Ensure sponsor CTA includes all needed detail and test link
    - [ ]  Credit editor if needed
- [ ]  Add tags
- [ ]  Add end cards
- [ ]  Add caption file
- [ ]  Add cards
- [ ]  Watch video to check for errors
- [ ]  Add video to most relevant playlist
- [ ]  Schedule video for publish date at 10am EST

# Post-Publishing

---

- [ ]  Share video to Twitter and Facebook
- [ ]  Share Instagram story
- [ ]  Answer initial comments
- [ ]  Set project status to Published

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/Video Template/Publishing Checklist 1c0ffa30cf0b81f28744d33e6acade43.md

Publishing Checklist


[Assistant]
# Research and Notes

Brain-dumps can go here.

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/Video Template/Research and Notes 1c0ffa30cf0b8183b85dd7af809d85a7.md

Research and Notes


[Assistant] # Script

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/Video Template/Script 1c0ffa30cf0b81fabb7debae4f2d3557.md

Script


[Assistant]
# Video Template

Production Status: Template
Audio is…: template
Done?: Not started
Type: Template
Tags: Template
Deadline: 02/19/2025
Urgency: none
Video Status: x_template

Brief description of the video can go here.

## Audio Meta

---

- Title Ideas
    - Idea 1
- Keywords
    - Keyword one
- Sponsor Information
    - **Sponsor**:
    - **URL:**
    - **CTA:**

[Editing Checklist](Video%20Template/Editing%20Checklist%201c0ffa30cf0b81429582f943ca82e3a4.md)

[Publishing Checklist](Video%20Template/Publishing%20Checklist%201c0ffa30cf0b81f28744d33e6acade43.md)

## Content

---

[Research and Notes](Video%20Template/Research%20and%20Notes%201c0ffa30cf0b8183b85dd7af809d85a7.md)

[Script](Video%20Template/Script%201c0ffa30cf0b81fabb7debae4f2d3557.md)

## Resources

---

[Thumbs Up - Standard Broadcast](http://thumbsup.tv/)

[Write Better Headlines: Free Headline Analyzer From CoSchedule - @CoSchedule](https://coschedule.com/headline-analyzer)

[Stock Footage & Video Effects from VideoHive](https://videohive.net/)

[License Music For YouTube Videos | Musicbed](https://mscbd.fm/thmsfr)

[vidIQ - How To Get More Views On YouTube](https://vidiq.com/)

## B-Roll

---

[B-Roll List](Video%20Template/B-Roll%20List%201c0ffa30cf0b81c5a146c71277437431.csv)

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker/Video Template 1c0ffa30cf0b80c8845aec7c925302d0.md

Video Template


[Assistant]
Property,Title,Audio is…,Type,Tags
AIWM-18,"001—Hello, World!",archived,Podcast,
AIWM-14,002 — ITM: T1—The shock of loss,archived,Podcast,episode
AIWM-7,000—Channel Intro Video — Modern AI Web Machine,archived,,
AIWM-22,003—02_ITM__T1 — Facing Ageism,archived,Podcast,
AIWM-23,004—ITM_T1_03 The Job Hunt,archived,Podcast,"ageism, dissociated, employment, unemployment"
AIWM-24,004a—ITM_T1_04: Redefining Worth,processed,Podcast,"awareness, self care, self talk, self worth"
AIWM-8,000_InTheMargins Series Overview,archived,Documentation,
AIWM-11,Topics,idea,,
AIWM-51,TransmissionX_Episodes_Template,template,Template,
AIWM-45,Episode 79,archived,,
AIWM-41,001—Hello World,archived,,
AIWM-48,Podcast Audio Template,template,Template,Template
AIWM-39,Project Template,template,Template,Template
AIWM-57,Video Template,template,Template,Template

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker e339061993b046adb22449b93edf84a1.csv


[Assistant]
Title,Property,Audio is…,Deadline,Done?,Episode #,Files & media,Production Status,Publication Date,Recording Date,Tags,Time:,Type,URL,Urgency,Video Status
000—Channel Intro Video — Modern AI Web Machine,AIWM-7,archived,,Done,,,,,,,,,https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVfx0C8tYEw,none,Interesting Topic
000_InTheMargins Series Overview,AIWM-8,archived,,Not started,,,Documentation,,,,,Documentation,,none,Interesting Topic
Topics,AIWM-11,idea,,Done,,,Idea,,,,,,,none,Interesting Topic
Episode 79,AIWM-45,archived,,Not started,,,Template,01/22/2025,01/17/2025,,,,,none,Interesting Topic
001—Hello World,AIWM-41,archived,,Done,,,,,01/20/2025,,,,,Extremely,Ready 2 Publish
002 — ITM: T1—The shock of loss,AIWM-14,archived,,Done,,,,,,episode,,Podcast,https://creators.spotify.com/pod/show/berchman/episodes/The-Shock-of-Loss-My-Story-of-Survival--Resilience-Job-Loss-TransmissionX-e3035ej,—,Interesting Topic
Podcast Audio Template,AIWM-48,template,,Done,,,Template,,,Template,,Template,,none,x_template
"001—Hello, World!",AIWM-18,archived,,Done,,,,,,,,Podcast,https://creators.spotify.com/pod/show/berchman/episodes/Hello-World---TransmissionX-AI--Mental-Health--Web-Dev-The-Modern-AI-Web-Machine-e2vifg3,—,Interesting Topic
003—02_ITM__T1 — Facing Ageism,AIWM-22,archived,,Done,,,,,,,,Podcast,https://creators.spotify.com/pod/show/berchman/episodes/Facing-Ageism-in-the-Job-Market-The-Hidden-Bias-No-One-Talks-About-TransmissionX-Podcast-e303625,—,Interesting Topic
004—ITM_T1_03 The Job Hunt,AIWM-23,archived,,Done,,,,,,"ageism, dissociated, employment, unemployment",,Podcast,https://youtu.be/l_rePzt9SAM,High,Interesting Topic
004a—ITM_T1_04: Redefining Worth,AIWM-24,processed,,Not started,,,,,,"awareness, self care, self talk, self worth",,Podcast,,Moderate,Interesting Topic
Project Template,AIWM-39,template,,Done,,,Template,,,Template,,Template,,none,Interesting Topic
TransmissionX_Episodes_Template,AIWM-51,template,,Done,,,Template,,,,,Template,,—,x_template
Video Template,AIWM-57,template,02/19/2025,Not started,,,Template,,,Template,2 min,Template,,none,x_template

Projects/Barely, But Here/Video Project Tracker e339061993b046adb22449b93edf84a1_all.csv


[Assistant]
My Day,Favorite,Type,Name,Value,Urgency
No,Yes,YouTube,Music License—Intro - Outro,07-Significant,
No,No,YouTube,AI YouTube Thumbnail Generator - Create Stunning Thumbnails in Seconds | ThumbnailCreator,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,YouTube,YT Hacks Growth Insights,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,YouTube,Fred’s Intro Script for YouTube Channel,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Archive,Functional Depression: The Exhausting Art of Showing Up,10-Mission Critical,
No,No,Archive,Comments — 001-004 Pinned,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Metadata,My meta description for content posting.,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Cheat Sheet,🎙 Batch Recording Cheat Sheet,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Audience,"""Help Us Translate"" outreach text added to About Section (optional)",05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Strategy + Tactics,Seths Marketing Insights Report,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Strategy + Tactics,"The Art of Raw, Authentic Storytellings — Writing Tactics",05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Strategy + Tactics,Title Hacks to Explode Your Views 🚀📈✨,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Process,14 things to do on a video,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Prompts,Prompt set 04 — Recording batch,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Prompts,Prompts 3,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,StatusReport,SundayNightStatus,08-Essential,
No,No,StatusReport,"WeekStatus @May 2, 2025 ",08-Essential,
No,No,Comment,Channel Pinned Comment,06-High Value,
No,No,Script,"Diary Entry: Day 01 — Tuesday, January 7, 2025",05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Script,BBH Intro Scripts,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Script,Dont give up Hope — Script,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Script,Outro—Recorded,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Script,Script Grieving the life I thought I’d have,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Script,Script—Intro and Outro – Universal,04-Suportive,
No,No,blog post idea,Mark Manson - Life Advice that Doesn't Suck,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,blog post idea,Concept — Barely but here,04-Suportive,
No,No,URL,http://Anchor.fm Link,05-Moderate Value,
No,Yes,Template,Publishing Templates All Formats,10-Mission Critical,
No,No,Template,YT—Description Template,08-Essential,
No,No,Template,HOA_Episode Template,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Template,Alternate Episode Template,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Template,Outro—Sign Off Text Scripts — For Templates,07-Significant,
No,No,Template,Single—Episode Production Template,04-Suportive,
No,No,Template,Script—Disclaimers for videos,04-Suportive,
No,No,Template,SHOW NOTES Template,04-Suportive,
No,No,Template,YT Episode Template,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Letter to myself - January 14th 2025,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Topic. Also check for photo,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Anothers Post,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Texts of hate,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,mental,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Angry,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,The beginning of the end,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,you notice,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,You’re a Time Traveler,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Concepts - Ideas Review,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,How can you ask for something you are unwilling to offer??,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Metaphor cooking,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Deep Sea diving as a Self-Reflection Analogy — depth,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Dialogue with Seth + Claude,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Healthy Thinking Styles,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Unhealthy Thinking Styles,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea,Sobbing instantly,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Idea," Ideas — Five Episodes",10-Mission Critical,
No,No,Idea,Why do I bother going?,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Book,"In Yiyun Li's book about her son, she endures the impossible",05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Reference,New Subscriber Email,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Reference,Welcome Email - New Subscriber (Revised with Paid CTA),05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Reference,Custom Email Headers - All Four Versions,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Reference,Ready-Made Hashtag List for Mental Health Content,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Reference,SRT file format example,05-Moderate Value,
No,No,Reference,Top-Tier Strategic YT Moves,09-Highly Strategic,
No,No,Reference,Storytelling Notes,09-Highly Strategic,
No,No,Reference,"Concept — Holding On, Anyway",04-Suportive,
No,No,Reference,YouTube Channel Meta,04-Suportive,
No,No,Reference,AI Credit,07-Significant,
No,No,Reference,bash scripts to process audio,05-Moderate Value,

Projects/Barely, But Here/View Notes 1d9ffa30cf0b803dba72e29cc4f69327.csv


[Assistant]
My Day,Status,Name,Value,Impact,Urgency,Effort,Description 1
No,Active,Clone voice using transcript training data;,10,High,Today,,
Yes,Today,First Comments for Published Posts,10,none,Today,,
Yes,Active,"Transcript Sorting/Organization — Sort existing untitled files by date, create California car files category, prepare for 2-3 file batches.",11,Fairly High,ASAP,,
No,Active,🎬 VIDEO Editing Workflow,08,High,ASAP,2+ hrs_Deep,
No,Next Up,Enable copyright match tool.,11,Fairly High,Soon,,
No,Next Up,"Social Media Campaign Launch ",08,Moderate,Soon,,
No,Backlog,"extends reach across written, audio, video formats.\",Assign,none,,,
No,Backlog,YouTube; semi-automated workflow with review/edit checkpoints;,Assign,none,,,
No,Backlog,"Video (stock/open-source footage) → ",Assign,none,,,
No,Backlog,Text + Audio file to → Video,Assign,none,,,
No,Backlog," text → audio (clone voice) to Podcast Publishing",Assign,none,,,
No,Next Up,Post to Instagram about BBH,11,none,,,
No,Queued,Post to X about BBH,08,none,,,
No,Queued,Post to Facebook about BBH,05,none,,,

Projects/Barely, But Here/View Tasks 1d9ffa30cf0b807883d6ebc503626ff4.csv


[Assistant]
Archived,Favorite,Name,Project,Type,Tag,Created,Updated
No,No,YT Hacks Growth Insights,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",YouTube,,"June 25, 2025 7:46 PM","February 2, 2026 8:48 PM"
No,No,bash scripts to process audio,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,,"February 21, 2025 3:53 PM","February 2, 2026 8:48 PM"
No,No,BBH Intro Scripts,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Script,,"December 29, 2025 5:20 PM","February 2, 2026 8:47 PM"
No,Yes,Music License—Intro - Outro,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",YouTube,license for media (https://www.notion.so/license-for-media-2eeffa30cf0b8044acd7f79ae5e03560?pvs=21),"January 19, 2026 7:26 PM","February 2, 2026 7:02 PM"
No,No,Mark Manson - Life Advice that Doesn't Suck,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",blog post idea,,"January 7, 2026 10:48 AM","February 2, 2026 7:02 PM"
No,No,Welcome Email - New Subscriber (Revised with Paid CTA),"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,,"January 7, 2026 10:55 AM","February 2, 2026 7:01 PM"
No,No,New Subscriber Email,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,,"January 7, 2026 10:56 AM","February 2, 2026 7:01 PM"
No,No,Ready-Made Hashtag List for Mental Health Content,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,,"August 6, 2025 4:55 PM","February 2, 2026 6:58 PM"
No,No,Outro—Recorded,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Script,,"May 5, 2025 12:58 AM","February 2, 2026 11:31 AM"
No,No,Script Grieving the life I thought I’d have,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Script,scripts (https://www.notion.so/scripts-196ffa30cf0b80848027cb6016611735?pvs=21),"April 30, 2025 3:25 PM","February 2, 2026 11:31 AM"
No,No,Seths Marketing Insights Report,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Strategy + Tactics,,"June 25, 2025 7:44 PM","February 2, 2026 11:30 AM"
No,No,"The Art of Raw, Authentic Storytellings — Writing Tactics","Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Strategy + Tactics,,"May 1, 2025 12:28 PM","February 2, 2026 11:30 AM"
No,No,Title Hacks to Explode Your Views 🚀📈✨,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Strategy + Tactics,,"January 21, 2025 5:01 PM","February 2, 2026 11:30 AM"
No,No,🎙 Batch Recording Cheat Sheet,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Cheat Sheet,,"April 27, 2025 10:25 PM","February 2, 2026 11:30 AM"
No,No,Top-Tier Strategic YT Moves,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,notes (https://www.notion.so/notes-199ffa30cf0b8013878fc46ce1155366?pvs=21),"May 7, 2025 5:39 PM","February 2, 2026 11:30 AM"
No,No,HOA_Episode Template,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,,"May 7, 2025 5:18 PM","February 2, 2026 11:29 AM"
No,No,Alternate Episode Template,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,,"May 4, 2025 8:52 PM","February 2, 2026 11:29 AM"
No,No,Letter to myself - January 14th 2025,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"January 14, 2026 12:22 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Topic. Also check for photo,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"January 4, 2026 4:12 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Anothers Post,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"December 31, 2025 9:32 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Texts of hate,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"December 25, 2025 9:41 AM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,mental,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"December 17, 2025 6:47 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Angry,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"December 11, 2025 10:30 AM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,The beginning of the end,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"December 1, 2025 4:35 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,you notice,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"November 25, 2025 2:52 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,You’re a Time Traveler,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"July 20, 2025 5:43 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Concepts - Ideas Review,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"July 11, 2025 4:49 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,How can you ask for something you are unwilling to offer??,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"July 6, 2025 8:23 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Metaphor cooking,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"July 6, 2025 8:03 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Deep Sea diving as a Self-Reflection Analogy — depth,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,"analogy (https://www.notion.so/analogy-22affa30cf0b80729a57ee970890c6a8?pvs=21), metaphor (https://www.notion.so/metaphor-22affa30cf0b80cb9e5cef4468835b28?pvs=21)","July 6, 2025 6:42 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Dialogue with Seth + Claude,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"July 6, 2025 6:38 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Healthy Thinking Styles,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"June 13, 2025 5:58 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Unhealthy Thinking Styles,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"June 13, 2025 5:53 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Sobbing instantly,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"April 21, 2025 7:13 PM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,No,Why do I bother going?,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Idea,,"April 26, 2023 1:21 AM","February 2, 2026 11:28 AM"
No,Yes,Publishing Templates All Formats,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,,"January 9, 2026 6:35 PM","January 31, 2026 9:48 PM"
No,No,Comments — 001-004 Pinned,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Archive,,"May 8, 2025 4:26 PM","January 23, 2026 7:43 PM"
No,No,Artwork - Poster Pricing,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",,"artwork (https://www.notion.so/artwork-16bffa30cf0b800ca150c60d342b8834?pvs=21), money (https://www.notion.so/money-2efffa30cf0b80dc81a7c1e3fb2c1702?pvs=21), pricing (https://www.notion.so/pricing-2efffa30cf0b80609140d9e1a740eb9f?pvs=21)","January 20, 2026 9:07 PM","January 20, 2026 9:08 PM"
No,No,Dont give up Hope — Script,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Script,,"May 19, 2025 9:11 PM","January 18, 2026 3:29 PM"
No,No,"Diary Entry: Day 01 — Tuesday, January 7, 2025","Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Script,,"January 5, 2026 11:08 PM","January 18, 2026 3:29 PM"
No,No,SRT file format example,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,srt (https://www.notion.so/srt-233ffa30cf0b807c96eac3f99ceb8dc5?pvs=21),"May 8, 2025 5:39 PM","January 18, 2026 11:50 AM"
No,No,YT—Description Template,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,,"May 10, 2025 2:37 PM","January 18, 2026 11:50 AM"
No,No,Storytelling Notes,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,,"May 7, 2025 4:51 PM","January 18, 2026 11:49 AM"
No,No,Channel Pinned Comment,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Comment,,"April 29, 2025 4:29 PM","January 12, 2026 7:36 PM"
No,No,Outro—Sign Off Text Scripts — For Templates,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,templates (https://www.notion.so/templates-6d510298cd5242ecad891769e7aceaf3?pvs=21),"May 3, 2025 12:12 AM","June 6, 2025 8:55 PM"
No,No,SHOW NOTES Template,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,"notes (https://www.notion.so/notes-199ffa30cf0b8013878fc46ce1155366?pvs=21), templates (https://www.notion.so/templates-6d510298cd5242ecad891769e7aceaf3?pvs=21)","April 22, 2025 11:39 PM","May 8, 2025 5:40 PM"
No,No,Script—Disclaimers for videos,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,legal (https://www.notion.so/legal-1e2ffa30cf0b8005aa40d2d4a461ca4f?pvs=21),"April 27, 2025 2:44 PM","May 5, 2025 7:35 PM"
No,No,AI Credit,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Reference,,"April 17, 2025 11:04 PM","May 5, 2025 2:18 PM"
No,No,Single—Episode Production Template,"Barely, But Here (Barely,%20But%20Here%201d9ffa30cf0b80b8a369da9a111e6ad2.md)",Template,,"April 27, 2025 6:50 PM","May 5, 2025 2:17 PM"

Projects/Barely, But Here/View Tasks 2eeffa30cf0b80ecbf87fc123dea5721.csv


[Assistant]
# My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 03

### Wednesday, 5:30 p.m.

---

Welcome. This is Barely But Here. I'm Bert. This is day three of reading diary entries from a year ago when I spent a week in a mental hospital to get some much-needed help.

---

## Wednesday, 5:30 p.m.

Just off the phone with my mom and had a nice talk. We spoke about how I'm feeling overall and my experience here.

I'm just remembering what the doctor said about putting a different medication in my life. I don't want to be on three meds for depression.

Back to the conversation with my mom. She shared about the big fire in the Palisades. So many homeless people. My heart goes out to them. I have yet to see the devastation firsthand. And according to my mom, it's grim. Many high schools burned down and thousands of buildings.

---

## Feeling Better Today

As for me, I'm feeling better today than yesterday.

The staff here is second to none. I'm incredibly grateful to stay here and rest for a few days and work in group sessions. I find the group sessions very helpful, even though I didn't necessarily want to go.

That said, I am benefiting from the simple questions and exercises. They are reminding me of the good things I have in my life. Like my boys, family at large, and their incredible support. Gratitude seems insufficient.

I know that I should have gone to get help sooner. Hindsight lets you see what you were blind to.

---

## The Fear of Going Backward

Just looking at what I wrote the first day about coming to this facility and my disease—it doesn't get better. It's possible. However, if I focus on that, that is what I'll get.

I can at least put money in my pocket. I'm not terribly excited about rebuilding my life. I don't know where I want to end up and plant roots. Making friends is likely one of, if not the hardest things I have to do.

I'm still wary and afraid of this making a serious comeback. The depression, that is.

---

*At that time I went and had dinner. And now I've returned from dinner and continued reading.*

---

## Dinner with Jimmy

**Quick note:** I've changed the names of everyone in these stories.

Had dinner with Jimmy. A very nice man who worked at a marketing company in Colorado. He commented that I don't seem to be depressed. That I seem pretty normal.

I mentioned my ability to mask very well—40 years of depression.

---

## Late-Night Thoughts

I wonder if I'll be sad and cry myself to sleep each night.

If my website and blog could gain some traction, that would be great.

I'm thinking about my ex and being married to her. I'm still gutted by her unwillingness to honor her vows. I'm just simply sad because of it. I want to find a way to compromise with her.

Very depressed about my life and situation. Simply failed at being a husband.

---

## Noticing a Pattern

Noticing I get more sad in the evenings.

Last night I went to bed early, 8:30 p.m. I'm going to sleep that time again tonight. I already feel tired. Going to shower and then off to bed.

Today has been a better day.

---

## Reflections on Day 03

A couple of notes about this.

I do remember being very tired. That was largely due to being in group therapy. It's far more tiring than you anticipate.

The other thing that was hard to read was how I was remembering about my marriage and just being sad about all of that. And wondering if I'm going to cry myself to sleep every night. That was really sad too.

And having dinner with that guy, Jimmy. That was a really interesting conversation. Because his demeanor—there was no denying it—anyone could look at that man and say he is a depressed man. So we presented as entirely different people. But we both had the same challenges. We shared a lot of the same struggles. And I discovered that in groups.

That's why I could sit down and have a conversation with him at dinner really easily.

So I did have a better day because I was basically engaged with other people. That's definitely my takeaway.

And doing group in person in this setting was not on my to-do list or my bucket list of life. And I did not want to come out of my room and go do it. And there were some people that did that, that chose not to come out and participate.

But I remember thinking to myself, **I'll get nothing out of this if I don't give something, plug in and participate.** So I did. And I got a lot out of it.

So that's the end of Wednesday.

---

Until then, be well.

---

**Next:** Day 04 — Thursday, 12:30 p.m.

My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 03


[Assistant]
# My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 03

---

## **YOUTUBE DESCRIPTION**

**My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 03 | Group Therapy, Masking Depression, and the Exhaustion of Surviving**

This is Day 03 of my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025. I'm reading from the journal I kept during my week-long stay in a mental health facility in Boulder, Colorado.

In this episode, I share Wednesday's entry—a day that felt better, but still heavy. I talk about group therapy (and not wanting to go), the exhaustion that comes with it, masking 40 years of depression, and the grief of a failed marriage.

**What's covered:**
- A phone call with my mom about the Palisades fire and homelessness
- Not wanting to be on three medications for depression
- Group therapy sessions—why I didn't want to go, but went anyway
- The simple questions and exercises that reminded me of what I still have
- Dinner with Jimmy, a man who looked depressed but shared the same struggles I did
- Masking depression for 40 years—and what that does to you
- Grieving my marriage, feeling like I failed as a husband
- Noticing I get sadder in the evenings
- The exhaustion of group therapy (way more tiring than you think)
- Why I chose to participate even when I didn't want to—and what I got out of it

**This isn't polished. It's raw. It's real.**

If you've been in dark places—or know someone who has—you're not alone.

---

**Read the full transcript:**
https://berchman.substack.com/p/my-psychiatric-hospital-diary-day-03

**Subscribe to Barely, But Here for more:**
https://berchman.substack.com

---

**Related:**
Day 01: [Link]
Day 02: [Link]

---

#MentalHealth #PsychiatricHospital #Depression #GroupTherapy #MaskingDepression #MentalHealthAwareness #CPTSD #Grief #Divorce #MentalIllness #RealTalk #MentalHealthMatters

---

**If you're struggling, please reach out:**
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

---

## **PODCAST DESCRIPTION**

**My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 03 | Group Therapy, Masking Depression, and the Exhaustion of Surviving**

This is Day 03 of my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025. I'm reading from the journal I kept during my week-long stay in a mental health facility in Boulder, Colorado.

In this episode, I share Wednesday's entry—a day that felt better, but still heavy. I talk about not wanting to go to group therapy (but going anyway), masking 40 years of depression, the exhaustion that comes with survival, and the grief of a failed marriage.

**What you'll hear:**
- A phone call with my mom about the Palisades fire and homelessness
- Not wanting to be on three medications for depression
- Group therapy—why I resisted it, and why I went anyway
- The simple exercises that reminded me of what I still have: my boys, my family
- Dinner with Jimmy, a man who looked depressed but shared the same struggles
- Masking depression for 40 years and what it does to you
- Grieving my marriage and feeling like I failed as a husband
- Noticing sadness gets worse in the evenings
- The surprising exhaustion of group therapy
- Why I chose to participate even when I didn't want to—and what I got out of it

This isn't polished. It's raw. It's real. If you've been in dark places—or know someone who has—you're not alone.

---

**Read the full diary entry:**
https://berchman.substack.com/p/my-psychiatric-hospital-diary-day-03

**Subscribe to Barely, But Here:**
https://berchman.substack.com

---

**Related Episodes:**
Day 01: [Link]
Day 02: [Link]

---

**If you're struggling, please reach out:**
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

---

## **TAGS / KEYWORDS (YouTube & Podcast Platforms)**

1. mental health
2. psychiatric hospital
3. group therapy
4. masking depression
5. depression
6. mental illness
7. CPTSD
8. treatment resistant depression
9. mental health diary
10. divorce and mental health
11. grief
12. mental health awareness
13. hospitalization
14. lived experience
15. mental health stigma

---

## **SHORT DESCRIPTION (For Social Media Promotion)**

**Twitter/X:**
Day 03 of my psychiatric hospital diary. Group therapy, masking 40 years of depression, and the exhaustion of just surviving. Raw. Real. You're not alone.

[Link]

**Instagram/Facebook:**
This is Day 03 of my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025.

Wednesday felt better—but still heavy. I talk about not wanting to go to group therapy (but going anyway), masking depression for 40 years, grieving my marriage, and why I chose to participate even when everything in me resisted.

If you've been in dark places, you're not alone.

Watch/Listen: [Link]

**LinkedIn:**
I'm continuing to share my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025.

Day 03 covers group therapy, masking depression for 40 years, the exhaustion that comes with survival, and why I chose to participate even when I didn't want to.

This isn't polished. It's raw, real, and human.

If this resonates with you or someone you know, I hope it helps.

Watch/Listen: [Link]

---

## **CONTENT WARNING (Optional)**

⚠ **Content Warning:** This episode discusses depression, suicidal ideation, divorce, grief, and mental health crisis. If you're in crisis, please reach out: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or text HOME to 741741.

---

**Day 03 done. Moving to Day 04 now.** 🎯

My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 03


[Assistant]
# My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 04

### Thursday, 12:30 p.m.

---

So, are we recording? We are.

Hi. This is Barely But Here. I'm Bert and I am going to continue with the mental hospital diary entries.

This is Thursday at around 12:30 p.m.

And in the context of my overall stay, this is right around lunchtime. I would have had morning group sessions and I believe this was the day they were considering discharging me.

So, here we go.

---

## Thursday, 12:30 p.m.

I didn't cry myself to sleep last night, which was nice. I still felt sadness, but it never got to tears.

Today's group sessions were good. I find the group therapy sessions very helpful and effective. Doing the worksheets and sharing your experience is very helpful to help get comfortable sharing and to get your stories outside your head.

**I can't stress how important that is.**

---

## Getting to Know My Fellow Patients

I've gotten to know some of my fellow patients who come from a variety of backgrounds and causes of depression. They've helped me immensely simply by their presence and sharing.

This wouldn't have been nearly as effective without the structure of the program—through groups and the sharing of our stories with each other.

---

## Reflecting on What's Next

I've spent much of my free time resting or reflecting on myself, my situation, and what it will feel like when I'm outside again.

I'd like to share this experience on my website with text on my blog. And I'm inclined to now add **care** and **kindness** as two possible designs for my poster series. It's artwork I was doing. And still am.

---

## Meeting with the Psychological Staff

I met with the entire psychological staff—I'm not sure which version is correct in this context—before 12 noon today and sat for a Q&A with them about how I'm feeling today and how the stay and treatment have gone.

My response was nothing but positive.

**I want to help defeat stigma about psychiatric hospitals.**

These people—the doctors, the nurses, the techs, the care coordinators, all of the facilities people, all the people that support all of those people—they're easily some of the best professionals that I've experienced in my life.

I will definitely promote them to others that I know who live with this.

---

## One Hour from Discharge

I may be one hour from discharge, waiting for my nurse to bring my paperwork so I can get released.

Realizing I need money for the coffee shop tomorrow so I can get back to my art and promoting it. My aunt will be picking me up soon.

I need a good walk at the pond.

And that's it.

---

## A Few Final Thoughts

A couple of things I'd like to go back to and point out—the staff were incredible.

And doing this recording, you know, I'm recording this in video. I also turn it into audio and put it out on a podcast stream. And I also take this recording and have it transcribed and publish all of it on Substack as well.

So I am trying my best to get this message out. I'm doing the best that I can. I'm putting it out on media that can go anywhere on the Internet or anywhere globally.

So, you know, please share this channel, this mission, this website with others. I sure would appreciate it.

Thanks. Be well.

---

**Next:** Day 05 (coming soon)

My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 04


[Assistant]
# My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 04

---

## **YOUTUBE DESCRIPTION**

**My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 04 | Discharge Day — What Happens When You Leave a Mental Hospital**

This is Day 04 of my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025. I'm reading from the journal I kept during my week-long stay in a mental health facility in Boulder, Colorado.

In this episode, I share Thursday's entry—the day I was discharged. I talk about group therapy, getting to know my fellow patients, meeting with the entire psychological staff, and the reality of leaving with no money and nowhere to go.

**What's covered:**
- I didn't cry myself to sleep—a small victory
- Group therapy sessions and why sharing your story out loud matters so much
- Getting to know fellow patients from different backgrounds, all living with depression
- The structure of the program and why it worked
- Meeting with the entire psychological staff for a Q&A about my stay
- Why I want to help defeat stigma about psychiatric hospitals
- The incredible professionalism of the doctors, nurses, techs, and care coordinators
- Waiting for discharge paperwork—and realizing I need money for tomorrow
- Planning to add "care" and "kindness" to my poster art series
- Why I'm sharing this story across video, podcast, and Substack

**This isn't polished. It's raw. It's real.**

If you've been in dark places—or know someone who has—you're not alone.

---

**Read the full transcript:**
https://berchman.substack.com/p/my-psychiatric-hospital-diary-day-04

**Subscribe to Barely, But Here for more:**
https://berchman.substack.com

---

**Related:**
Day 01: [Link]
Day 02: [Link]
Day 03: [Link]

---

#MentalHealth #PsychiatricHospital #Depression #MentalHealthAwareness #DischargeDay #GroupTherapy #MentalIllness #CPTSD #RealTalk #MentalHealthStigma #MentalHealthMatters

---

**If you're struggling, please reach out:**
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

---

## **PODCAST DESCRIPTION**

**My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 04 | Discharge Day — What Happens When You Leave a Mental Hospital**

This is Day 04 of my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025. I'm reading from the journal I kept during my week-long stay in a mental health facility in Boulder, Colorado.

In this episode, I share Thursday's entry—the day I was discharged. I talk about group therapy, getting to know my fellow patients, meeting with the entire psychological staff, and the reality of leaving with no money and nowhere to go.

**What you'll hear:**
- I didn't cry myself to sleep—a small victory
- Group therapy sessions and why getting your story outside your head matters
- Fellow patients from different backgrounds, all living with depression
- The structure of the program and why it worked for me
- Meeting with the entire psychological staff for a Q&A about my stay
- Why I want to help defeat stigma about psychiatric hospitals
- The incredible professionalism of the staff—doctors, nurses, techs, care coordinators
- Waiting for discharge paperwork and realizing I have no money for tomorrow
- Planning to add "care" and "kindness" to my art series
- Why I'm sharing this story across multiple platforms

This isn't polished. It's raw. It's real. If you've been in dark places—or know someone who has—you're not alone.

---

**Read the full diary entry:**
https://berchman.substack.com/p/my-psychiatric-hospital-diary-day-04

**Subscribe to Barely, But Here:**
https://berchman.substack.com

---

**Related Episodes:**
Day 01: [Link]
Day 02: [Link]
Day 03: [Link]

---

**If you're struggling, please reach out:**
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

---

## **TAGS / KEYWORDS (YouTube & Podcast Platforms)**

1. mental health
2. psychiatric hospital
3. mental hospital discharge
4. depression
5. mental illness
6. group therapy
7. CPTSD
8. mental health awareness
9. hospitalization
10. treatment resistant depression
11. mental health stigma
12. psychiatric care
13. lived experience
14. mental health recovery
15. discharge planning

---

## **SHORT DESCRIPTION (For Social Media Promotion)**

**Twitter/X:**
Day 04 of my psychiatric hospital diary. Discharge day—leaving with no money, no plan, but grateful for the staff and the structure that helped. Raw. Real. You're not alone.

[Link]

**Instagram/Facebook:**
This is Day 04 of my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025.

Thursday was discharge day. I talk about group therapy, getting to know fellow patients, meeting with the psychological staff, and the reality of leaving with no money and nowhere to go.

If you've been in dark places, you're not alone.

Watch/Listen: [Link]

**LinkedIn:**
I'm continuing to share my psychiatric hospital diary from January 2025.

Day 04 was discharge day. I share what it was like to meet with the entire psychological staff, why I want to help defeat stigma about psychiatric hospitals, and what it feels like to leave with nothing.

This isn't polished. It's raw, real, and human.

If this resonates with you or someone you know, I hope it helps.

Watch/Listen: [Link]

---

## **CONTENT WARNING (Optional)**

⚠ **Content Warning:** This episode discusses depression, mental health hospitalization, and financial instability after discharge. If you're in crisis, please reach out: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or text HOME to 741741.

---

**Day 04 done. Both blog posts + all descriptions ready.** 🎯

My Psychiatric Hospital Diary — Day 04


[Assistant]
# Dead to the World

I am dead to the world and I feel dead inside.

That's been my day today. Feeling invisible from society, culture, capitalism, everything. It's as if I'm a ghost inside my own life. I often find myself inside my head devising ways to try and explain what this thinking and feeling is like so that the layperson could at least have some foggy idea of what this is.

I'm aiming for communicating unknown and unspoken things that a majority of people feel and a majority of people hide.

Since at least the summer of 2023, I've felt dead to the world. I've lost count of how many months it's been that I've been chronically unemployed—the last I looked it was 30 months. And since it's Friday and the weekend is upon us, this marks over 80 weekends that I've sat inside and done nothing because I have no friends, no resources, no transportation. I'm about as perfect a definition of destitute as there is.

Right now I'm recording this as an audio file, and I'll have it transcribed to post it online. I wanted to share that I've been fighting all day to try and get one thing done, and I had to force myself to get the microphone, log into the computer, find the software to record audio, and then to actually hit record and start talking. It's taken a lot to do that because I didn't want to do that. At least a very depressed and isolated part of me didn't want to do that.

However, I remembered that if I don't capture this when I'm in the middle of it and I don't share it, it goes against what I'm trying to do.

---

Having lost "my life" and grieving it daily, and at the same time grieving the loss of a spouse who is still alive and who I still love, the remaining members of my family still live in the same house. Other than me not living there, life goes on largely the same—rearranging furniture and removing me from any photos lying around. In the abstract, it's as if I was kicked out of my life and left on the side of the road while the family took off.

I'm really struggling to find the next words here. The recording has gone on for a few minutes, but I've said so little. Perhaps that's the message.

I'm unsure.

Which is how I am most of the time.

I'm unsure because I haven't had solid ground to stand on in well over two years. I'm still homeless right now. I'm still unemployed. I did fail to mention that it's also very hard to imagine anything beyond 24 to 48 hours. This is due to living in my car for 16 months. When you don't know where you're sleeping every night and if you'll be safe, it's hard to simply think about next week, let alone plan or organize something.

---

I'm fortunate that I've been able to access therapists in the past few weeks, and it's been helping me reframe some things and reflect on things. However, what I have discovered in all my years of being stuck in this place of depression is that there is a story that was told to me when I was young. And the story wasn't something said to me verbatim. It was a combination of words, actions, things that compiled and compounded over time.

And that story is that I'm not good enough.

Not good enough at everything, pretty much. That is the dominant thought.

And the cognitive dissonance that comes along with that is huge because there are places in my life I can point to where I've had success and I've had confidence momentarily. Coaching soccer is one thing that I have done and I had success. I coached a league-winning team. We got promoted up a division. That's certainly good enough.

Yet the story of "not good enough" is so woven into my subconscious that any amount of thinking and logic in my conscious mind can't uproot what feels like a nasty weed stuck in my psyche that will not let go.

---

I have felt very alone for many years now and that feeling simply grows day by day. At present, I don't have any friends.

I have family members who talk with me because they're related. But otherwise, I have no social circle where I am, here in upstate New York where it's cold, grey, and depressing. I have not one person that I could call up and ask to go to the coffee shop or ask what they're doing and maybe go hang out and just talk. I don't have that in my life.

Do I want it? I do, but in limited doses. I'm highly empathic—I pick up and absorb other people's energy fields. I basically feel what they feel. So while I crave connection, I can't take on other people's emotions anymore. It's exhausting in ways most people don't understand.

I believe it's Jean-Paul Sartre who said "hell is other people." I can definitely see how that could be very true. I feel that way many times. But here's the thing—I'm also using isolation as protective armor. The fact that I have no resources, no transportation, no place of my own keeps me from going out and meeting new people. So my situation, by its nature, isolates me and makes my psychological situation far worse. It's a trap: I need connection, but I can't handle too much of it, and my circumstances make even limited connection nearly impossible.

All of this makes feeling grounded a huge challenge.

I've put in over 30,000 minutes of meditation over 1,300 days and still struggle to find solid ground under my feet.

---

Since I'm not truly alive, and I only exist, I can say that there are so many days when I've simply wanted all of this to end because I've had enough. Over 80 weekends of sitting inside, isolated, watching everyone else live and love their lives while I fight to barely exist. It feels harsher than solitary confinement because I get to see what I'm missing. I get to witness life happening all around me while I'm stuck on the outside, ghosting through my own days.

That said, you're reading these words, which you wouldn't be had things turned out the other way—since I'd be dead.

I'm still here. I survived this day, this week, this weekend. I forced myself to hit record. I captured this. I'm sharing it.

That has to count for something.

Dead to the World


[Assistant]
# Hypervigilance: The Survival Mechanism That Never Shuts Off

You know how a dog that's been hit all the time will pull back when you reach out to pet it? They think you're going to smack them again. Their nervous system is shot. They're hypervigilant, always worried they're going to be punished.

Guess what? Human beings do the same shit.

That animal's nervous system becomes wired for threat detection. Every hand reaching toward them could be danger. Every sudden movement triggers retreat. They're not being difficult—they're surviving the only way they know how.

I know this because I lived it. Still living it, actually. Hypervigilance doesn't just turn off once the threat is gone. It gets wired into your nervous system, becomes part of how you move through the world. And if you learned it young enough, you might not even remember a time before it.

This is hypervigilance. And if you've been living with it, you already know—it's exhausting in ways most people will never understand.

---

## How It Started

I don't have a specific moment when hypervigilance began. It wasn't an event—it was more organic than that.

You get in trouble once. You get in trouble twice. You keep getting in trouble, and you begin to prepare for the next time because chances are it's going to happen again. So you start trying to anticipate it.

*If I do this, will I get in trouble? If I do that, will I get in trouble?*

It becomes this cyclical dialogue with yourself, passing judgment on everything before you've even done a damn thing. Fear sits in the driver's seat, pitching narratives, getting you to make decisions you probably shouldn't be making. And if that fear is coming from your subconscious—which it usually is—you're not even aware of what's happening. You just know you're freaked the hell out.

Think of it like a snowball at the top of a snowy mountain. You chuck it down the hill, and by the time it gets to the bottom, it's bigger than a house. That's hypervigilance. It gains momentum. Its mass becomes larger. And it needs constant fuel to sustain—constant provoking, constant threat (real or perceived).

Imagine an engine revving, pushing the needle up into the red. That's the danger zone. It's okay to hit the red once in a blue moon, but to be up there all the time? That can't be good. With engines, they blow. With me, it kind of never let up.

Hypervigilance and [masking](link-to-masking-post) were learned in the same household, simultaneously. Same childhood environment, same survival strategy. Both were necessary. Both became permanent.

---

## What It Feels Like

When I was young—kindergarten, first grade—I'd be stuck inside the house during winter because it wasn't fun to go out when it was five degrees. So you were in the house with your parents a lot. And at a very early age, I learned to pay attention to everything *but* myself.

The song that comes to mind is XTC's "Senses Working Overtime." The chorus goes: *One, two, three, four, five senses working overtime.*

That's exactly what hypervigilance is. All your senses on overdrive, all the time.

**Hearing becomes acute.** You hear every cough, every murmured word, every chair being pulled across the floor, anything being dropped or thrown. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of smashing plates or cups. That was the soundtrack of my childhood.

**Seeing is constant scanning.** Eyes always moving, looking for threats, looking for safety. When I walk into a room even now, I instantly scan it. I'm looking for a safe space, and I'll drift toward it immediately.

**Touch isn't just physical.** It's the hairs standing up on your arms, on the back of your neck. You feel a shift in energy in the room. You're attuned to the environment in a way that's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

I was born a really sensitive, empathic kid with all my sensors wide open. But somewhere along the way, I think my body or subconscious turned the sensitivity *down*—not off, but down—because it was too much. I was born with sensitive equipment, and people kept bumping into it, yelling at it, screaming into the microphone. That throws things off. It just does.

I can barely pick up on energy shifts now the way I used to. But I'm getting better at it the more I can calm my nervous system.

**And the startle response?** Off the charts. If somebody dropped a ball on the floor, I'd jump. But the worst was my father's sneeze. It was so loud, so quick—no buildup, just BANG. It made me jump more than anything else when I was young. From high school and younger, that sneeze was a guaranteed jolt to my nervous system.

---

## How It Showed Up in Childhood

In grade school, I used hypervigilance to stay safe. To avoid being punished—physically, emotionally, psychologically. But I also used it in the classroom.

I'd pay attention to how teachers talked to me and how they talked to other kids. I was comparing treatment at a very early age. The hypervigilance wasn't just about survival at home—it was about observation, data collection, threat assessment everywhere.

I used it for two things in the classroom: one, get the teacher to like me so they wouldn't abandon me. Two, do the same thing with other kids. I wanted to be friends. I didn't want to be the outcast, the kid that gets picked last in gym class.

Sadly, I was that kid anyway.

When I got to junior high and high school, the "I want to be friends" thing turned inward. The hypervigilance shifted to self-judgment, self-criticism. I was still scanning for threats and looking for allies, but now I was also comparing myself to everyone around me. Watching for bullies to avoid, watching for potential friends to approach, constantly calculating who was safe and who wasn't.

It never stopped. It still hasn't.

---

## How It Manifests in Adulthood

Hypervigilance in adult life shows up as people-pleasing.

It's about getting people to like you, making sure they don't think you're a jerk. Trying too hard to show people you're a good person instead of just *being* a good person. The hypervigilance makes you preoccupied with communicating something to someone without just outright saying it. And it's all self-generated worry and anxiety, all inside your head.

*How can I support you? What can I do? Are you okay? Do you need anything?*

That can become obsessive to the point of compulsion. And I've done that to people. It creates the opposite reaction of what I'm actually wanting—I want closeness, but it creates distance because frankly, you're being a pain in the ass. Who wants to get close to a pain in the ass? I don't. Neither would you.

I was hypervigilant in my marriage because I was worried about being abandoned. I obsessively asked my spouse if she was okay, constantly scanning for signs that things were falling apart. And ultimately, I got the outcome I worried most about. Hypervigilance contributed to the downfall of my marriage. I don't think it was a positive contribution.

But here's the thing about hypervigilance in adulthood: it's also a tool.

Like a chess player, I'm always looking three, four, five, six steps ahead. I'm trying to anticipate what I need to do, what I need to provide, what the other person might do or say, what an entire group of people might do or say. I'm always running scenarios in my head, predicting outcomes, preparing for chaos.

And when crazy shit actually shows up? I tend to be the only one with a calm head because I already thought about this. That's hypervigilance as a benefit—especially in groups, with strangers, in crisis situations. (It's less effective one-on-one, where the intimacy overrides the strategy.)

So it's both. It's a survival tool that's also exhausting. It helps me stay prepared and destroys my ability to relax. That's the duality.

---

## The Cost

I've never felt my nervous system entirely calm in my body. Not once in my entire life.

My nervous system became very dysregulated when I was young, and hypervigilance is now wired in permanently. I meditate a lot—over 30,000 minutes across 1,300+ days—working hard to calm my nervous system. I'm getting better at it, but I'm still working on it. I know there's room for improvement.

And I'm looking forward to what full calm actually feels like. Because I've never experienced it.

Hypervigilance drains energy constantly, which compounds [functional depression](link-to-functional-depression-post). Always scanning means never resting. The performance required to [mask](link-to-masking-post) while also staying hypervigilant? That's a recipe for complete exhaustion.

It's hard to consciously relax when your body has been trained to stay on high alert. Even when there's no threat, your nervous system doesn't believe it. You're still revving in the red, waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

---

## What I Want You to Know

Hypervigilance is a survival mechanism. If you learned it, you needed it. It kept you safe when safety wasn't guaranteed. It helped you navigate environments where you had to predict outcomes just to get through the day.

But it's also a burden. It doesn't turn off when the danger passes. It stays with you, embedded in your nervous system, shaping how you move through the world.

Some of us are still working to calm it down. Some of us are just now realizing we've been living this way our entire lives. And some of us have learned to use it as a tool while also acknowledging the cost.

Hypervigilance is a survival tool that *may* destroy you—or it may just exhaust you while keeping you alive. We're all different. The outcome isn't guaranteed.

What I do know is this: if you're living with hypervigilance, you're carrying a weight most people can't see. You're constantly scanning, predicting, preparing. And that takes a toll.

I see you. I know what it costs. And I'm still working on it too.

---

**The engine is still revving. But I'm learning—slowly—to take my foot off the gas.**

Hypervigilance: The Survival Mechanism That Never Shuts Off


[Assistant]
# Losing Agency Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe

*This is Part 2 of a 3-part series. [Read Part 1: The Erasure here.](#)*

---

When the campground money ran out, I didn't cross a line. I just... stopped pretending there was one.

I'd been camping in my car at state campgrounds—$25 a night, sometimes $30. Showers, bathrooms, picnic tables. Structure. A receipt that said I was paying for something, which somehow made it feel legitimate.

But by late 2023, the math stopped working. I could charge my electric car, or I could eat, or I could pay the campground fee. Pick two.

I needed to move. I needed to eat. So the campground lost.

And once I went to the street, I never got back off it until I drove to Colorado months later.

---

## The Shift Nobody Sees

Here's what's strange: I didn't feel like I crossed a threshold. There was no moment where I thought, *"This is it. I'm homeless now."*

It just... happened.

One night I parked on a residential street near a shopping center in Ventura, California. Pulled the shades down over the windows like I always did. Slept in the back seat like I always did. Woke up at 6 a.m. like I always did.

Same routine. Different context.

But my brain knew. Even if I didn't consciously register it, something shifted. Because suddenly I was aware of a loss of dignity I hadn't felt before.

At the campground, I could say, "I'm camping." That's a thing people do. Recreational. Intentional. There's a whole industry around it.

On the street? I was homeless. Officially. No receipt to prove otherwise.

The structure was gone. And when structure disappears, your mental framework for understanding your situation collapses with it.

I wasn't in control of that shift. It just organically happened. I was aware of it and powerless to stop it at the same time.

---

## The Two Worlds

Here's what nobody tells you about being homeless while you still look like you're not:

You exist in two realities simultaneously.

**Reality 1:** You're living in your car. You don't know where you're sleeping tonight. You have no address, no stability, no safety net. Every decision is survival. Every dollar is calculated. You are outside the system.

**Reality 2:** You can still walk into a Starbucks, buy a coffee, sit at a table with your laptop, and look exactly like everyone else in there. You're clean. You're dressed normally. You have a device. You're doing "work." Nobody knows.

And that duality is disorienting in a way that's hard to explain.

Every morning, I'd wake up in my car between 6 and 7 a.m. First thing: start the car, pull down the window shades, make sure I didn't have bed hair. Then I'd drive to the Starbucks near the shopping center.

I'd scrape together four bucks—just enough for a regular coffee. Free refills if you stay. Wi-Fi if you have a laptop. I was fortunate to still have mine.

So I'd sit there. For hours. Sometimes until 3 p.m.

I'd apply for jobs. Rewrite my resume. Rebuild my website. Work on my own projects. I was *doing things.* Productive things. The same things I'd done when I had a home and a life.

And it was a coping strategy. A distortion, if you will.

I was pretending I was still part of society. Still somehow engaged with people in this country who were working, contributing, participating. I needed to believe I still belonged in that bubble.

Because the alternative—acknowledging I was outside it—was unbearable.

---

## The Snow Globe

Imagine a snow globe. You know the kind—shake it, and all the little white flakes swirl around inside. There's a scene in there. A little house, maybe some trees, a tiny figure. Life happening inside a contained, protected space.

That's what it felt like watching everyone else.

I was outside the snow globe. Observing. Watching all the activity inside—people going to work, running errands, meeting friends, living their lives. The world kept turning. Life kept happening.

But I wasn't in it anymore.

I was the guy standing outside, looking in. Watching through the glass.

And here's the really disorienting part: **I could still walk into the snow globe whenever I wanted.**

I could go into Starbucks. Sit at a table. Order a coffee. Be surrounded by people. And for a few hours, I could almost convince myself I was inside it again.

But I wasn't. Not really.

Because at 3 p.m., I'd pack up my laptop, walk out to my car, and drive to the beach or the supermarket to kill a few more hours before finding somewhere to park for the night.

And in those moments—alone in my car, trying to figure out where I'd sleep—the illusion would crack. I'd remember: *I'm not inside the snow globe. I'm just visiting.*

---

## The Weight of the Duality

Living in two worlds at once is exhausting in a way most people never experience.

When you're in the coffee shop, you're performing normalcy. Masking homelessness. Pretending you belong. Keeping your shoulders back, your face neutral, your laptop open like you have somewhere to be later.

But underneath that performance, you know the truth. You're counting dollars. You're calculating how long you can stay before you need to leave. You're aware that everyone around you is going home tonight to a bed, a kitchen, a door that locks—and you're not.

And that awareness creates this weird emotional static. You're present but not present. Participating but not participating.

Sometimes I'd be sitting in a coffee shop in Boulder—50, 60 people around me, two stories, big open space—and I'd suddenly feel this crushing sense of isolation. Not loneliness. Isolation. Like I was wearing a costume, pretending to be one of them when I wasn't.

I was inside the reality bubble, but I didn't belong there. My *actual* reality was the guy outside asking for spare change, looking in longingly at everyone having coffee and conversation.

That thought—*I'm closer to the guy outside than the people in here*—would hit me, and I'd have to sit with it. Pretend I was fine. Keep typing. Keep existing.

---

## What I Distorted, What I Deleted

Tony Robbins says we're "Distortion-Deletion Creatures." We distort reality to cope. We delete what's too painful to hold.

Here's what I distorted: *I'm still part of this. I still belong. If I just keep showing up, keep working, keep applying for jobs, I'll get back in.*

Here's what I deleted: *I'm homeless. I've been unemployed for over two years. I've applied to 2000+ jobs and gotten maybe five interviews. The system doesn't want me. And I have no idea when—or if—this ends.*

The enormity of losing everything at once was too much to process. Losing my home, my marriage, my daily role as a father, my income, my location, my identity—that's not one thing. That's *all the things.*

So I focused on one thing at a time. Today, I need coffee. Today, I need to apply for three jobs. Today, I need to find a safe place to park.

I deleted the big picture because holding it all at once would have crushed me.

And the coffee shop ritual? That was the distortion. It let me pretend—for a few hours every day—that I was still inside the snow globe. Still working. Still contributing. Still *somebody.*

Even though I knew I wasn't.

---

## The Isolation Paradox

You'd think being surrounded by people every day would make you feel less alone.

It doesn't. It makes it worse.

Because when you're outside the snow globe, proximity to other people just highlights the distance. You're physically close but existentially separate.

I isolated from everyone. Not just people "inside the bubble," but also other homeless people. I didn't want to acknowledge what we had in common. I didn't want to see myself in them.

So I stayed in my car. Went to Starbucks alone. Ate alone. Parked alone. Slept alone.

The duality of being surrounded by life while living outside it became my default state. And it was exhausting. Disorienting. Soul-crushing in a way I'm still trying to find words for.

---

## This Is Part 2 of 3

This is what it's like to live outside the snow globe. To exist in two realities at once. To perform normalcy while knowing you're not normal anymore.

But this isn't where it ends.

**In Part 3**, we'll explore what agency actually remains when you're living outside the system. What you can control versus what controls you. The difference between distortion as survival and distortion as self-deception. And what it means to try to rebuild when you're still not sure which world you belong in.

For now, just know this: **I'm still here. I survived living outside the snow globe.**

And I'm documenting it so you know you can too.

---

**Part 3 coming Thursday.**
**Be well.**

Losing Agency Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe


[Assistant]
# Losing Agency Part 3: What Remains

*This is Part 3 of a 3-part series. [Read Part 1: The Erasure](#) | [Read Part 2: Living Outside the Snow Globe](#)*

---

When everything got stripped away—home, marriage, daily fatherhood, income, location, identity—people kept telling me I still had choices.

*You can control your attitude.*

*You can choose how you respond.*

*You still have agency over your perspective.*

And technically? They're not wrong.

But here's what they don't understand: **when external circumstances remove your options, the agency that remains isn't enough to rebuild a life.**

It's enough to survive. Maybe. But not enough to escape.

---

## The Disco Ball

I think about agency like a disco ball.

You know the kind—covered in tiny mirrors, each one reflecting light at a specific angle. To see your reflection clearly in any one mirror, you have to be lined up just right. Most of the time, you only see fragments. Distorted pieces. Incomplete images.

That's how I think about problems, situations, circumstances. How much of this do I see clearly? How much am I missing? What am I not aware that I don't know?

When people say "you still have choices," they're looking at one mirror on the disco ball. Maybe two. They see the piece they can see clearly—attitude, perspective, mindset—and assume that's the whole picture.

But they're not seeing what I'm seeing from where I'm standing. They're not accounting for the angles they can't see. The reflections that aren't visible to them.

So when they say I still have agency, what they mean is: *"From where I'm standing, I can see options you're not taking."*

What they don't realize is that from where I'm standing, those options don't exist.

---

## Agency You Have vs. Agency You Don't

Let me be specific.

### **Agency I Had:**

- **My attitude** — I could choose to see my situation as temporary (distortion) or permanent (reality). I could frame it as a challenge to overcome or a collapse I'd never recover from.

- **My daily routine** — I could go to Starbucks or stay in my car. I could apply for jobs or give up. I could shower at the campground (when I had money) or let hygiene slip.

- **My perspective** — I could tell myself "I'm still part of society, just camping" or acknowledge "I'm homeless and the system doesn't want me."

- **My voice** — I could speak up, ask for help, reach out to family. Or I could isolate and suffer alone.

That's real agency. I controlled those things. They mattered.

### **Agency I Didn't Have:**

- **Other people's decisions** — My ex-wife chose to end the marriage. Employers chose not to hire me. Landlords wouldn't rent to someone with no income. Those weren't my choices.

- **Economic reality** — 2000+ job applications, under five interviews. 30 months unemployed despite decades of experience. The market didn't care. I couldn't force it to.

- **Structural barriers** — No home = no mailing address = harder to get hired. No income = no apartment. No car insurance = risk of losing transportation. Can't shower regularly = harder to interview. It's a trap with no exit.

- **Time** — I couldn't undo the past. Couldn't skip ahead to "recovered." I was stuck in the present, day after day, with no clear path forward.

- **My nervous system** — Depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, dissociation—I didn't choose those. They were responses to circumstances I didn't control. I could manage them (meditation, therapy when accessible), but I couldn't turn them off.

So yes, I had agency over my attitude and daily choices. But I **did not** have agency over the circumstances that trapped me in survival mode.

---

## The Difference Between "Bad Choices" and "Ground Disappearing"

People love to say, "You always have a choice."

And I get it. That's empowering language. It puts you in the driver's seat. It means you're not a victim—you're an agent.

But there's a difference between **"I made bad choices that led here"** and **"the ground disappeared beneath me and I couldn't stop the fall."**

### **Bad choices look like this:**

- I chose to quit my job without a backup plan.
- I chose to spend money recklessly and ignored my finances.
- I chose to ignore red flags in my relationship.
- I chose to isolate instead of asking for help.

Those are decisions. Those are things I controlled and can own.

### **Ground disappearing looks like this:**

- The separation happened over two years, and I moved out in June 2023 at my ex-wife's request. I didn't want the divorce. I wanted couples counseling. I wanted to heal the marriage. That wasn't my choice.

- I applied to over 2000 jobs. I'm overqualified, underpriced, and the industry sees me as "too expensive" or "too experienced." I can't force someone to hire me. That's not my choice.

- I lived in my car for 16 months not because I wanted to, but because I had no other option. No income = no apartment. That's not a choice—that's circumstance.

- I couldn't plan beyond 24-36 hours because I didn't know where I'd sleep, how I'd eat, or if something would go catastrophically wrong. Survival mode doesn't allow for long-term planning. That's not a choice—that's biology.

**This is the distinction people miss: when you're in survival mode, the ground isn't under your feet. You're in freefall. And telling someone in freefall to "choose a better attitude" is like telling them to flap their arms and fly.**

It's not helpful. It's insulting.

---

## What Agency Actually Remains

So what's left when everything's been stripped away?

**Not much. But it's not nothing.**

Here's what I had control over, even at the lowest point:

### **1. How I see my situation (perspective)**

I could choose to believe this was temporary or permanent. That I'd recover or I wouldn't. That I was still "me" or that I'd lost myself completely.

This is real agency. And it mattered. Because the story I told myself shaped whether I kept trying or gave up.

But here's the catch: **changing your perspective doesn't change your circumstances.**

I could tell myself "I'm still valuable, I'm still competent, I'll get through this" all day long. But that didn't put a roof over my head. It didn't get me a job. It didn't undo the collapse.

Perspective is agency. But it's not *enough* agency to rebuild.

### **2. Small daily actions (routine)**

I could choose to go to Starbucks or not. Apply for jobs or not. Shower or not. Eat or not.

These were choices. Small ones. But they added up.

Showing up at Starbucks every day and pretending I was still part of society? That was a distortion. But it was also survival. It kept me from disappearing completely.

### **3. Who I reach out to (connection)**

I could isolate or ask for help. I could tell my family what was happening or hide it. I could engage with other homeless people or avoid them.

I mostly isolated. Out of shame. Out of fear. Out of exhaustion.

But that was still agency. I chose isolation because connection felt too risky, too vulnerable, too much.

Was it a good choice? No. But it was mine.

---

## The Trap of "Just Choose Better"

Here's what people don't get when they say "you still have choices":

**When your options are all bad, choosing between them isn't agency—it's triage.**

Do I eat today or charge my car?
Do I stay in a place that feels unsafe or drive somewhere else and burn gas I can't afford?
Do I apply for another job I won't get or save my energy for something else?

Those aren't choices in any meaningful sense. Those are survival calculations.

And when every option is a losing option, telling me I "still have agency" feels like gaslighting.

Because yes, technically, I'm choosing. But I'm not *steering.* I'm just trying not to drown.

---

## Distortion as Survival vs. Self-Deception

Tony Robbins says we're "Distortion-Deletion Creatures." We distort reality to cope. We delete what's too painful to process.

I did that constantly.

**Distortion as survival:** Going to Starbucks every day and pretending I was still part of society. Telling myself "this is temporary" when I had no evidence it would end. Framing job applications as progress when they led nowhere.

That kept me alive. It kept me from completely giving up. It was adaptive.

**Distortion as self-deception:** Believing I still had the same agency I had before. Telling myself "I just need to try harder" when the problem wasn't effort—it was circumstance. Blaming myself for things I couldn't control.

That hurt me. It reinforced the "not good enough" story. It kept me stuck in shame instead of acknowledging the structural reality: the system doesn't want me, and no amount of effort will change that.

The line between survival distortion and harmful self-deception is thin. And I crossed it a lot.

---

## Who Am I Now?

In Part 1, I asked: *Who am I when all my roles are gone?*

In Part 2, I described what it's like to live outside the snow globe while pretending to be inside it.

Now, in Part 3, I'm asking: **What agency do I actually have to rebuild?**

And the honest answer is: **Not as much as people think. But more than I thought when I was at my lowest.**

I have agency over:
- How I see myself (even when the world sees me differently)
- How I spend my limited energy (even when all options suck)
- Who I connect with (even when connection feels impossible)
- The story I tell about what happened (even when the story is painful)

I don't have agency over:
- Other people's choices
- Economic systems that reject me
- Time (I can't skip ahead to "recovered")
- Circumstances that keep me trapped

**And here's what I'm learning: agency isn't binary. It's not "you have it" or "you don't." It's a spectrum. And where you land on that spectrum depends on how many options you actually have—not how many options people think you should have.**

When I had a home, a job, a marriage, daily fatherhood—I had a lot of agency. I could steer my life.

When I lost all of that? My agency shrunk to: attitude, daily routine, perspective.

That's real. That matters. But it's not enough to escape the trap.

It's enough to survive it. Maybe. If you're lucky. If you don't give up.

---

## This Is Part 3 of 3

This is what remains when everything's been stripped away. Not nothing. But not enough.

Agency over perspective. Agency over small daily choices. Agency over how you frame your story.

But not agency over the systems, structures, and circumstances that put you outside the snow globe in the first place.

I'm still rebuilding. I'm still figuring out who I am when I'm not Father, Husband, Designer, Coach. I'm still learning what it means to have limited agency and work within those limits without blaming myself for things I can't control.

It's slow. It's hard. And some days, I'm not sure I'm making progress at all.

But I'm still here. I survived the erasure. I survived living outside the snow globe. And I'm documenting it so you know you can too.

---

**Be well.**

Losing Agency Part 3: What Remains


[Assistant]
# Masking Post - Project Summary

## Overview
**Goal:** Create the first post in a series on depression symptoms/behaviors that most people don't understand.

**Topic:** Masking — the survival skill of appearing "absolutely fine" while crushed and defeated inside.

**Positioning:** "Something you don't know, that you don't know." Most people think masking = Halloween costume. Reality = 51 years of Jedi-level performance.

**Target Length:** 1000-1500 words (but let it breathe if needed)

---

## Why Masking First?
- Foundational concept that makes everything else hit harder
- Once readers understand you're masking *while writing*, they'll read differently
- Part of a larger series (roughly a dozen terms total) on depression symptoms/behaviors

---

## Post Structure (Draft Framework)

### Opening Hook
Specific scene where masking was happening at high level:
- Job interview
- Family gathering
- Random gas station interaction
- Show the external performance

### The Reveal
Pull back the curtain:
- "Here's what was actually happening inside my head while I smiled and nodded"
- The gap between external and internal reality

### Skill Breakdown
- How you learned this (childhood origins)
- Why it's necessary (safety, survival, acceptance)
- What it costs energetically
- The mechanics of it

### The Thesis
"I'm a Jedi-level masker. Been doing it for 51 years. I can fool anyone that I'm absolutely fine, but inside I'm crushed and defeated."

### The Cost
- What happens when you take the mask off?
- What happens when you can't mask anymore?
- What happens when you forget which version is real?
- Physical, mental, energetic toll

---

## Recording Prompts (6 Total)

### 1. Origins
When did you first learn to mask, and who taught you? Childhood moment when showing real feelings wasn't safe. Explicit or implicit teaching. Who were the teachers?

### 2. Recent Example
Specific interaction where you were masking at Jedi level. External performance vs. internal reality. How wide was the gap?

### 3. The Cost
What does masking cost physically, mentally, energetically? Post-masking crash? Cumulative toll over 51 years?

### 4. When It Fails
Times you couldn't mask or when the mask slipped. What happened? How did people react? What does it feel like when the mask cracks mid-performance?

### 5. The Existential Question
Do you forget which version is real? Where's the line between masking and identity? Has the mask fused to your face?

### 6. The Hypothetical
If you could stop masking tomorrow, would you? What would unmasked Bert look like? If not, why does it still serve a function?

---

## Process

### Recording Phase (Now)
- Answer prompts in any order
- Let digressions happen — follow tangents
- Don't perform for the recording
- Mask stays off here

### Editing Phase (Tonight)
- Send transcripts in batch
- Pull strongest threads
- Build post structure
- Keep raw voice intact
- Target: draft completed tonight

---

## Future Content Pipeline

### Immediate Next Steps
- Sort existing transcript files (date sort what's possible)
- California car files (undated) = separate category for "Snapshots from the Car"
- Send transcripts in batches of 2-3 at a time

### Other Term-Definition Posts in Pipeline
- **Anhedonia** — inability to feel pleasure, living in gray static
- **Symptom Variance** — depression isn't Eeyore, looks different for everyone
- Plus ~9 more terms to be identified from transcripts

### Estimated Post Lengths
- **Masking:** 1200-1500 words
- **Anhedonia:** 1000-1200 words (shorter, sharper, precise)
- **Symptom Variance:** 1500-2000 words (educational, might be two-parter)

---

## Key Principles (Editing)
- Keep raw intact
- Tighten meander without polishing rough edges
- No robotic phrasing, no buzzwords
- Maintain your voice completely
- Let material breathe when it needs space

---

## Timeline
- **Tonight:** Record all 6 prompts
- **Tonight:** Send transcripts
- **Tonight:** Build draft together
- **Ongoing:** Send 2-3 transcript batches as ready for future posts

Masking Post - Project Summary


[Assistant]
# notes on rationalizing suicide

being a person with treatment resistant major depressive disorder I've not known life without depression. @RobertGreeneOfficial when you brought up reaching those who contemplate suicide I can speak from experience having been in those places mentally for extended periods of time. I do know that everyone is different but the persistent "feeling" is unending miserable pain in being alive. There is a level of mental torture and suffering that lacks language to adequately describe how the feeling pervades the mind and body.

One wants their living experience to end because being alive is more painful — plain and simple.
The moments of unconsciousness during sleep are so appealing because there is no sense of self or life — that's an alluring space.
One may have people that love and care deeply about them. There is a logic that can go this way.
Its my life, I have to live it and no one else can have my unique expereince every living moment. When days conintue to be hell for weeks and months the idea of being able to visit dr kevorkian

Projects/Barely, But Here/notes on rationalizing suicide e477670158684813952b2b5f1141196d.md

notes on rationalizing suicide