This is a weird one to record, primarily about indifference. You know, what happens when you're doing the work, you know you're doing the work, you're
seeing results in yourself, people that are close enough to see you acknowledge the change
and the shift, yet, you're ready to go and you're looking to plug back in to the world,
to society, to the economy. The sad truth is, you cannot exist in the United States without a receipt.
And I say that because you can't be homeless, there's no vacancy allowed.
It's a citation, a misdemeanor, and I had this image in my mind earlier of being on
what was my life, the boat that was my life, and I went through violent storm and fell
off the boat and sank lower and lower until I wanted to go lower. It was as if an evil part of me was punishing me.
I went to the depths where there was no light. I was in the abyss. I became the singularity at one point.
I know what it's like to have my toes over the edge looking down into black infinity
and ready to go, to take the step, but I didn't. I stuck around, and I'm ready to go.
It's like society and capitalism and the economy is saying, "Fuck you," for fucking up.
It's a form of punishment. It feels like it, weirdly. I know it's not, but that feeling when you keep showing up day after day after day after
day, and nobody responds in the way that's going to take you that one next step, that
one breadcrumb, next on the trail. And let me just say that between the beginning of this year and January until now, I have
had such incredible things, amazing things come into my life, things I wouldn't trade
for anything. They have more value to me than money, and I've already wept with my gratitude to the
universe about these things that have shown up in my life. They're very important to me, and right now they're very tenuous, and part of that reason
is my inability to plug into the fucking economy, right? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
I can build the coolest fucking digital shit this side of planet Earth, and I'm invisible.
It's like I don't fucking exist, yet my stuff is online. I was one of the first 25 million people on the internet in 1994, maybe it was '95.
There are billions now, I get it, but I'm an OG, and it's like I can't fucking get
anything, not one nibble, and it's as if no tool or technique will work.
It's as if you're on some kind of metaphorical blacklist. I'm doing everything right, and the universe is not meeting me in that one spot.
This isn't a rejection, this is like an indifference, a silence, it's like a ghosting.
You build something, you publish it, you put it out there, you put yourself out there,
you show up honestly, rawly, completely, and you get crickets. Doing the things I'm supposed to be doing in terms of looking for work and job hunting
and trying to get my own thing off the ground, I am doing all the things.
I've been doing all the things for years, and my head is in a good place now.
It's not in a dark place anymore. If we're gonna get into frequency and energy and all that shit, my vibration is way fucking
higher, brother. I don't get it. I'm vibrating at a much higher frequency, yeah.
So I want abundance in the financial arena. I'm not asking for millions.
I'm asking for enough so that I don't have to think about it. It's not a fucking struggle or nonexistent at all like it feels right now in my life.
There's a kind of shame that's coming on me right now, and it's the shame of feeling like
you've been around too long. You're the company that needs to fucking get out of the house.
I feel that vibe intensely, and I want to get the fuck out of here, but I can't go anywhere
without money and some way to keep making money so that I can keep moving and get to
where I need to be. I'm just not understanding it. I've put in applications, I show up, I'm not afraid to fucking work, and yeah, I'm just
pissed because I'm right here, and nothing seems to work. So what do you do when you've controlled the controllables?
You've controlled your effort, you've controlled your attitude, you've controlled the energy
you're putting in towards things. Where the focus goes, the energy flows, and right now my focus has been on getting dollars
in my door, and it ain't happening. How do you make that fucking work? And it's not like I don't have something to fucking offer, please.
I have knowledge in my head people will pay fucking tens of thousands of dollars for.
Shit, hundreds of thousands of dollars for all the fucking decades of experience I got.
I can't even get a fucking conversation, let alone even acknowledged that I exist.
You know, you can only redesign things so many fucking times until you just give up
on shit, you know? It's like 80/20 principle, at least that comes to mind, you know?
You've put in the 80%, and that last 20% really doesn't get you much else, and like, I feel
like I'm at 90% and like, you know, I'm just fucking exhausted from surviving, not living
for more than three years now. Three years without steady employment is this May, May 2023 was when my last gig ended,
May 15th, 2023. And yeah, I'm at a stretch right now to find any kind of silver lining to this, you know?
What the fuck else do I got? I just got to keep showing up. It seems pointless, it seems fruitless.
Just seems like throwing more good effort away. You know, being exhausted after surviving all those years and now I got to fucking double
down and hustle as I have been for a couple weeks. Like I said, redoing shit, redesigning, fucking coming up with a valuable offer that is like
worth 10 times what I'm selling it for or offering it for, easily worth 10 times.
So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, really that's that that's kind of the whole thing. In summary is you just got to keep fucking showing up because you don't have any other
choice. Well you do, but it's not a choice anybody wants to take. You know, it basically boils down to tapping out, which, you know, in terms of this article
and writing, I'd rather not even bring this up. I mean, I'm not that has not come into my mind.
My head isn't in that space. I'm glad, you know, I'm just in this. I feel like I'm in this fucking giant canyon going hello and I just hear my fucking voice
going way off into the distance and nothing ever. I don't fucking hear from anyone, not a fucking soul.
You know, this is documentation of getting back on your fucking feet and it ain't pretty.
I just had a birthday living in a room inside my family's home, you know, my family is supporting
me and that fucking George Washington monument high level of shame is crazy to deal with.
The thing is, though, I've dealt with so much shame in my life and in particular over these
past years and processing wounds and trauma and stuff that it doesn't faze me.
I actually I mean, I if I focus on it, it's there where the focus goes.
The energy flows. If I focus on shame, that's what I'll be vibing with.
And I'm just not going there. It's it's it's I am really surfing. I'm picking my waves.
You know, it used to be that, you know, life was going to say, oh, you're doing this set
of waves today. And I'm on the beach now going, I'm going to do this one.
But it turns out like every set of waves I'm picking, I'm I'm riding them and I'm getting
back to shore. But everybody else is walking home with the money and I'm getting nothing.
People don't even see me. They don't even see me surfing. Yet I got to keep showing the fuck up every day and keep surfing.
Keep going. Thinking that someday I won't be invisible anymore. It's really fucked up.
Because more than anything, I love the hermit quality to my life. I love solitude.
I love being by myself. I love just hanging out by myself inside my world, thinking about little projects and
things that my mind likes to noodle on. And now having gone through this experience, I've found a way to sit still and grow in
ways I never thought possible. And it's growing through stillness, which is an interesting paradigm in and of itself.
Standing still, yet you're growing. Maybe capitalism should take a he to that one.
That's the other thing. We can't have endless growth. It's just universe doesn't fucking work that way.
And it's like the rich are fucking spending their money to make it be that way.
It's weird. A lot of shit doesn't make any sense right now. The economy doesn't make any sense.
The government doesn't make any sense. Society and public is fucked up.
People are very isolated. Way more than when I was a kid. Holy shit. And I thought people were kind of isolated when I was young.
But now people live in their own little fucking skull sized kingdoms and they don't venture
outside very much. And when they do and they're challenged, they get indignant, they accuse you for making
them feel that way, which is totally bullshit. I can say whatever the fuck I want.
If you get pissed off, that's your choice to get pissed off. You may not like that I'm telling you it's a fucking choice, but sit still.
Think about it. We'll come around. It's about that time for me to get back on my feet, get a move in, get back.
I got to get working on some art and I got to get an AI agent cleaning up my website
and testing e-commerce because in a couple of weeks, hopefully making some money.
Wow, this has been quite the recording. All right, one thing I do ask of you when you do read this transcription and I'm talking
to you, Claude. One thing that I really value in this partnership is you being straight fucking honest with
me and not bullshitting me because like the comedy show in living color in the nineties,
there was a character called homie the clown and when homie wasn't down with shit, homie
don't play that. Just know Claude, I am homie and homie don't play that.
It's at the point now where we're having a very good collaboration here and I'm enjoying
it a whole lot. And I'm wondering if I could ask a small favor of you and that is to noodle on perhaps some
ideas that might work around my writing in terms of product, something I can sell, digital
downloads, I don't know, I'm just why I'm asking you if you have any ideas.
My head's so wrapped up and dumping out this material, it's fucking backlogged in my head
and I'm just trying to get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out. So that's why I want to know if that's something even feasible.
So I'm wondering about another idea I have and so yes, let me wrap up that thought just
by saying yeah, if you have some ideas, I'm open and I want to throw one idea by you and
see what your reaction is to this. There is a thing in chemistry called the periodic table of elements and it lists every single
element that can't be broken down into a smaller element. And when I was in the deep parts of my hall of mirrors, floors and ceilings inside my
skull, I got my hands on this piece of paper that showed me the entire spectrum of emotions,
the whole thing from joy to anger, all of it, hate, greed, envy, all the feelings.
And I don't know why my mind went here, but all of a sudden it went, huh, look at all
these emotions. And I thought, well, I didn't think this, I'd been thinking this for a while.
And that is emotions are like weather, right? They come and go. Some hang out longer than others.
Some are nanoseconds, some are decades. What I'm getting at is they're periodic, but not like the elements.
It's not the periodic table of elements. What I'm referring to is the table of periodic emotions, so swap emotions
for elements and move periodic because emotions are periodic. And taking the concept of that table, each card with its symbol, its atomic weight and
all this other jargon, I would like to do that for each emotion. And I'd like to do the design of each emotion card and then assemble them into a poster
of periodic emotions, the table itself, but a poster that people could purchase.
And then there's the other idea of turning each one of those things, each one of those
things into like a playing card, right? That you could play some kind of card game with and like, you know, each card is an emotion.
And that's about as far as my brain took it because I'm kind of at a loss to come up with
a way to make it an interesting game with the cards other than to say, you need to play
some kind of random thing where somebody's chosen and they have to pull a card out from
the deck of emotions. They have to look at it and then I don't know, do they ask something of the group?
Do they ask them to reveal something about said emotion or does the person who pulled
the card, is it like a truth or dare thing? I don't know. That's where I'm looking for some help.
All right. Let me know what you think.