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This is a weird one to record,
primarily about indifference. You
know, what happens when you're
doing the work, you know you're
doing the work, you're

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seeing results in yourself, people
that are close enough to see you
acknowledge the change

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and the shift, yet, you're ready to
go and you're looking to plug back
in to the world,

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to society, to the economy. The sad
truth is, you cannot exist in the
United States without a receipt.

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And I say that because you can't be
homeless, there's no vacancy
allowed.

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It's a citation, a misdemeanor, and
I had this image in my mind earlier
of being on

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what was my life, the boat that was
my life, and I went through violent
storm and fell

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off the boat and sank lower and
lower until I wanted to go lower.
It was as if an evil part of me was
punishing me.

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I went to the depths where there
was no light. I was in the abyss. I
became the singularity at one
point.

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I know what it's like to have my
toes over the edge looking down
into black infinity

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and ready to go, to take the step,
but I didn't. I stuck around, and
I'm ready to go.

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It's like society and capitalism
and the economy is saying, "Fuck
you," for fucking up.

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It's a form of punishment. It feels
like it, weirdly. I know it's not,
but that feeling when you keep
showing up day after day after day
after

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day, and nobody responds in the way
that's going to take you that one
next step, that

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one breadcrumb, next on the trail.
And let me just say that between
the beginning of this year and
January until now, I have

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had such incredible things, amazing
things come into my life, things I
wouldn't trade

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for anything. They have more value
to me than money, and I've already
wept with my gratitude to the

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universe about these things that
have shown up in my life. They're
very important to me, and right now
they're very tenuous, and part of
that reason

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is my inability to plug into the
fucking economy, right? You can
lead a horse to water, but you
can't make it drink.

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I can build the coolest fucking
digital shit this side of planet
Earth, and I'm invisible.

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It's like I don't fucking exist,
yet my stuff is online. I was one
of the first 25 million people on
the internet in 1994, maybe it was
'95.

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There are billions now, I get it,
but I'm an OG, and it's like I
can't fucking get

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anything, not one nibble, and it's
as if no tool or technique will
work.

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It's as if you're on some kind of
metaphorical blacklist. I'm doing
everything right, and the universe
is not meeting me in that one spot.

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This isn't a rejection, this is
like an indifference, a silence,
it's like a ghosting.

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You build something, you publish
it, you put it out there, you put
yourself out there,

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you show up honestly, rawly,
completely, and you get crickets.
Doing the things I'm supposed to be
doing in terms of looking for work
and job hunting

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and trying to get my own thing off
the ground, I am doing all the
things.

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I've been doing all the things for
years, and my head is in a good
place now.

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It's not in a dark place anymore.
If we're gonna get into frequency
and energy and all that shit, my
vibration is way fucking

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higher, brother. I don't get it.
I'm vibrating at a much higher
frequency, yeah.

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So I want abundance in the
financial arena. I'm not asking for
millions.

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I'm asking for enough so that I
don't have to think about it. It's
not a fucking struggle or
nonexistent at all like it feels
right now in my life.

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There's a kind of shame that's
coming on me right now, and it's
the shame of feeling like

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you've been around too long. You're
the company that needs to fucking
get out of the house.

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I feel that vibe intensely, and I
want to get the fuck out of here,
but I can't go anywhere

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without money and some way to keep
making money so that I can keep
moving and get to

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where I need to be. I'm just not
understanding it. I've put in
applications, I show up, I'm not
afraid to fucking work, and yeah,
I'm just

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pissed because I'm right here, and
nothing seems to work. So what do
you do when you've controlled the
controllables?

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You've controlled your effort,
you've controlled your attitude,
you've controlled the energy

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you're putting in towards things.
Where the focus goes, the energy
flows, and right now my focus has
been on getting dollars

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in my door, and it ain't happening.
How do you make that fucking work?
And it's not like I don't have
something to fucking offer, please.

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I have knowledge in my head people
will pay fucking tens of thousands
of dollars for.

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Shit, hundreds of thousands of
dollars for all the fucking decades
of experience I got.

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I can't even get a fucking
conversation, let alone even
acknowledged that I exist.

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You know, you can only redesign
things so many fucking times until
you just give up

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on shit, you know? It's like 80/20
principle, at least that comes to
mind, you know?

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You've put in the 80%, and that
last 20% really doesn't get you
much else, and like, I feel

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like I'm at 90% and like, you know,
I'm just fucking exhausted from
surviving, not living

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for more than three years now.
Three years without steady
employment is this May, May 2023
was when my last gig ended,

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May 15th, 2023. And yeah, I'm at a
stretch right now to find any kind
of silver lining to this, you know?

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What the fuck else do I got? I just
got to keep showing up. It seems
pointless, it seems fruitless.

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Just seems like throwing more good
effort away. You know, being
exhausted after surviving all those
years and now I got to fucking
double

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down and hustle as I have been for
a couple weeks. Like I said,
redoing shit, redesigning, fucking
coming up with a valuable offer
that is like

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worth 10 times what I'm selling it
for or offering it for, easily
worth 10 times.

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So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah,

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yeah, really that's that that's
kind of the whole thing. In summary
is you just got to keep fucking
showing up because you don't have
any other

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choice. Well you do, but it's not a
choice anybody wants to take. You
know, it basically boils down to
tapping out, which, you know, in
terms of this article

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and writing, I'd rather not even
bring this up. I mean, I'm not that
has not come into my mind.

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My head isn't in that space. I'm
glad, you know, I'm just in this. I
feel like I'm in this fucking giant
canyon going hello and I just hear
my fucking voice

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going way off into the distance and
nothing ever. I don't fucking hear
from anyone, not a fucking soul.

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You know, this is documentation of
getting back on your fucking feet
and it ain't pretty.

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I just had a birthday living in a
room inside my family's home, you
know, my family is supporting

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me and that fucking George
Washington monument high level of
shame is crazy to deal with.

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The thing is, though, I've dealt
with so much shame in my life and
in particular over these

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past years and processing wounds
and trauma and stuff that it
doesn't faze me.

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I actually I mean, I if I focus on
it, it's there where the focus
goes.

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The energy flows. If I focus on
shame, that's what I'll be vibing
with.

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And I'm just not going there. It's
it's it's I am really surfing. I'm
picking my waves.

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You know, it used to be that, you
know, life was going to say, oh,
you're doing this set

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of waves today. And I'm on the
beach now going, I'm going to do
this one.

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But it turns out like every set of
waves I'm picking, I'm I'm riding
them and I'm getting

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back to shore. But everybody else
is walking home with the money and
I'm getting nothing.

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People don't even see me. They
don't even see me surfing. Yet I
got to keep showing the fuck up
every day and keep surfing.

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Keep going. Thinking that someday I
won't be invisible anymore. It's
really fucked up.

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Because more than anything, I love
the hermit quality to my life. I
love solitude.

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I love being by myself. I love just
hanging out by myself inside my
world, thinking about little
projects and

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things that my mind likes to noodle
on. And now having gone through
this experience, I've found a way
to sit still and grow in

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ways I never thought possible. And
it's growing through stillness,
which is an interesting paradigm in
and of itself.

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Standing still, yet you're growing.
Maybe capitalism should take a he
to that one.

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That's the other thing. We can't
have endless growth. It's just
universe doesn't fucking work that
way.

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And it's like the rich are fucking
spending their money to make it be
that way.

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It's weird. A lot of shit doesn't
make any sense right now. The
economy doesn't make any sense.

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The government doesn't make any
sense. Society and public is fucked
up.

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People are very isolated. Way more
than when I was a kid. Holy shit.
And I thought people were kind of
isolated when I was young.

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But now people live in their own
little fucking skull sized kingdoms
and they don't venture

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outside very much. And when they do
and they're challenged, they get
indignant, they accuse you for
making

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them feel that way, which is
totally bullshit. I can say
whatever the fuck I want.

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If you get pissed off, that's your
choice to get pissed off. You may
not like that I'm telling you it's
a fucking choice, but sit still.

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Think about it. We'll come around.
It's about that time for me to get
back on my feet, get a move in, get
back.

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I got to get working on some art
and I got to get an AI agent
cleaning up my website

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and testing e-commerce because in a
couple of weeks, hopefully making
some money.

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Wow, this has been quite the
recording. All right, one thing I
do ask of you when you do read this
transcription and I'm talking

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to you, Claude. One thing that I
really value in this partnership is
you being straight fucking honest
with

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me and not bullshitting me because
like the comedy show in living
color in the nineties,

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there was a character called homie
the clown and when homie wasn't
down with shit, homie

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don't play that. Just know Claude,
I am homie and homie don't play
that.

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It's at the point now where we're
having a very good collaboration
here and I'm enjoying

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it a whole lot. And I'm wondering
if I could ask a small favor of you
and that is to noodle on perhaps
some

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ideas that might work around my
writing in terms of product,
something I can sell, digital

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downloads, I don't know, I'm just
why I'm asking you if you have any
ideas.

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My head's so wrapped up and dumping
out this material, it's fucking
backlogged in my head

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and I'm just trying to get it out,
get it out, get it out, get it out.
So that's why I want to know if
that's something even feasible.

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So I'm wondering about another idea
I have and so yes, let me wrap up
that thought just

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by saying yeah, if you have some
ideas, I'm open and I want to throw
one idea by you and

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see what your reaction is to this.
There is a thing in chemistry
called the periodic table of
elements and it lists every single

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element that can't be broken down
into a smaller element. And when I
was in the deep parts of my hall of
mirrors, floors and ceilings inside
my

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skull, I got my hands on this piece
of paper that showed me the entire
spectrum of emotions,

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the whole thing from joy to anger,
all of it, hate, greed, envy, all
the feelings.

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And I don't know why my mind went
here, but all of a sudden it went,
huh, look at all

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these emotions. And I thought,
well, I didn't think this, I'd been
thinking this for a while.

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And that is emotions are like
weather, right? They come and go.
Some hang out longer than others.

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Some are nanoseconds, some are
decades. What I'm getting at is
they're periodic, but not like the
elements.

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It's not the periodic table of
elements. What I'm referring to is
the table of periodic emotions, so
swap emotions

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for elements and move periodic
because emotions are periodic. And
taking the concept of that table,
each card with its symbol, its
atomic weight and

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all this other jargon, I would like
to do that for each emotion. And
I'd like to do the design of each
emotion card and then assemble them
into a poster

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of periodic emotions, the table
itself, but a poster that people
could purchase.

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And then there's the other idea of
turning each one of those things,
each one of those

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things into like a playing card,
right? That you could play some
kind of card game with and like,
you know, each card is an emotion.

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And that's about as far as my brain
took it because I'm kind of at a
loss to come up with

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a way to make it an interesting
game with the cards other than to
say, you need to play

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some kind of random thing where
somebody's chosen and they have to
pull a card out from

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the deck of emotions. They have to
look at it and then I don't know,
do they ask something of the group?

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Do they ask them to reveal
something about said emotion or
does the person who pulled

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the card, is it like a truth or
dare thing? I don't know. That's
where I'm looking for some help.

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All right. Let me know what you
think.