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I got to be honest, I don't even
know where to begin. All I know is
that right now I have so many
thoughts swimming through my head
and I feel

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very groundless. And I feel alone.
Of course, you know, I claim to
have these tools, which

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I'm doing. But I don't know, I
don't know if it's plateau or what.
Or maybe the challenge

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is rising on me and getting too big
for me to handle. There's a quality
to all of this

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that feels unjust. And that's
probably the thing I have the
hardest time reconciling

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is that my whole life I've done
nothing but try to be good and not
upset anyone.

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Unfortunately, that was the way of
being that I learned as a child.
And unfortunately, I

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wasn't living my pattern, routine
way of being. I don't know what you
want to call it.

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Maybe another thought and I know
this is going to all me. Well, some
of it may come across

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as just like a random splatter of
things. But I've wanted to, I've
wanted to do this

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video recording thing for some time
and be honest, I'm kind of afraid
of doing it. Um,

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it's weird. I wish I had done it
because I would love now to look
back at where my head

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was at last year on this day. And
the year before that, it'd be
interesting to see any

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different made any kind of progress
at all. I've been listening to some
interesting books

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and taking away some insights that
I don't know. Helping me to frame
things perspective.

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There's these long gaps. I keep
staring because I'm not sure. Not
sure about myself. Like

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I said, I am, I'm kind of bummed
that I hadn't do these a long time
ago for the benefit of

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being able to see myself. But I'm
simultaneously like incredibly, I
guess you'd say private.

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Like I don't go around blathering
on about my life to other people.
Anyway, the fact

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that I'm even talking or video
recording and doing this and trying
to speak a little bit

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about myself is amazing in and of
itself. In fact, I think what I'll
do that I have

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this looking at it's like six
minutes now, six and a half. So I
think what I'd like to

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do is record again, but maybe be a
little more organized. Maybe have
my thoughts written

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down. Who knows? One thing I do
know, I'm one day at a time. There
are a lot of days

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where I honestly don't think I'm
going to see the sunshine tomorrow.
There's something

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enormous about the pain that I'm
carrying. It's more painful than
anything I've ever

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experienced in my life. Worse than
the feeling is more intense than
memories of childhood

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trauma. This is, it's weird to be
like in the middle of this
experience. And I don't

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know, it's hard to put it in words.
Going in and out of being able to
put my thoughts

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together clearly. The one other
thing I can say is that the
cognitive load of this, like

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this stress and at the same time,
starting a new job and trying to
deliver and perform

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and show you the right person for
the job. That and yeah, today was
the first day of

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hearing out my shit. I am listening
to a very good book. It's giving me
some insights. So

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I guess tomorrow I'll continue with
the moving. They're backing and do
some work, meditate.

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I don't wake up crying. It's almost
become like peeing the bed when I
was a kid. I wake

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up every morning crying and no
memory of any kind of dreaming or
any anything. I go to

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bed sad, I wake up sad. Been that
way for years now. So there you
have it, a 10 minute

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report. Talk to you tomorrow.