I got to be honest, I don't even know where to begin. All I know is that right now I have so many thoughts swimming through my head and I feel
very groundless. And I feel alone. Of course, you know, I claim to have these tools, which
I'm doing. But I don't know, I don't know if it's plateau or what. Or maybe the challenge
is rising on me and getting too big for me to handle. There's a quality to all of this
that feels unjust. And that's probably the thing I have the hardest time reconciling
is that my whole life I've done nothing but try to be good and not upset anyone.
Unfortunately, that was the way of being that I learned as a child. And unfortunately, I
wasn't living my pattern, routine way of being. I don't know what you want to call it.
Maybe another thought and I know this is going to all me. Well, some of it may come across
as just like a random splatter of things. But I've wanted to, I've wanted to do this
video recording thing for some time and be honest, I'm kind of afraid of doing it. Um,
it's weird. I wish I had done it because I would love now to look back at where my head
was at last year on this day. And the year before that, it'd be interesting to see any
different made any kind of progress at all. I've been listening to some interesting books
and taking away some insights that I don't know. Helping me to frame things perspective.
There's these long gaps. I keep staring because I'm not sure. Not sure about myself. Like
I said, I am, I'm kind of bummed that I hadn't do these a long time ago for the benefit of
being able to see myself. But I'm simultaneously like incredibly, I guess you'd say private.
Like I don't go around blathering on about my life to other people. Anyway, the fact
that I'm even talking or video recording and doing this and trying to speak a little bit
about myself is amazing in and of itself. In fact, I think what I'll do that I have
this looking at it's like six minutes now, six and a half. So I think what I'd like to
do is record again, but maybe be a little more organized. Maybe have my thoughts written
down. Who knows? One thing I do know, I'm one day at a time. There are a lot of days
where I honestly don't think I'm going to see the sunshine tomorrow. There's something
enormous about the pain that I'm carrying. It's more painful than anything I've ever
experienced in my life. Worse than the feeling is more intense than memories of childhood
trauma. This is, it's weird to be like in the middle of this experience. And I don't
know, it's hard to put it in words. Going in and out of being able to put my thoughts
together clearly. The one other thing I can say is that the cognitive load of this, like
this stress and at the same time, starting a new job and trying to deliver and perform
and show you the right person for the job. That and yeah, today was the first day of
hearing out my shit. I am listening to a very good book. It's giving me some insights. So
I guess tomorrow I'll continue with the moving. They're backing and do some work, meditate.
I don't wake up crying. It's almost become like peeing the bed when I was a kid. I wake
up every morning crying and no memory of any kind of dreaming or any anything. I go to
bed sad, I wake up sad. Been that way for years now. So there you have it, a 10 minute
report. Talk to you tomorrow.