# Resilience — Quotations

- We're still trying to get into a rhythm here.
- It's not my personal card, and trying to figure out what the deal is with that.
- trying to find balance
- Trying to put positive energy out into the world so I don't feel so isolated and depressed 😊
- had a father of a tryout player drop dead of a heart attack one week ago today.
- Trying to make some changes to my life and habits and know it has potential to be uncomfortable for me.
- Darragh is also going to try out for a new team.
- Lets try to catch up next week during the holidays
- And from that is me trying to help Darragh transition to a new team in Ventura that is his age group.
- So I'm trying to make this happen for him and trying to help him process his feelings.
- But we wanted to give Declan the opportunity to try it and see what happens instead of just steering him away and never trying.
- At that point he would fight it and scream but ultimately poop much to his dismay
- I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can win mega millions, or Powerball?
- Try to "air out" my head.
- Still haven't had time to try the messenger instructions you sent.
- I'm trying hard to get into focus mode.
- Busy working here and trying to focus.
- I'm trying to do some work today, but anxiety is getting in the way.
- I need to make some changes because I can't keep going on like this.
- you could try Sketch:
- I can usually find someone who has done what I'm trying to do
- I awoke with a great deal of anxiety, and it was trying hard to derail me
- trying to reply to team member questions and have to take off for an appt in a few.
- when that loads and I try to scroll, its very weird in the browser.
- and I do like that typeface, solid and strong
- Struggling with self doubt this morning and trying to just observe and not succumb
- Nothing I can do but take away the learning, and you just said it—do it anyway
- Have a monster headache right now and trying to get at least one thing done for work today.
- Trying to offload/sell the tix but haven't found anyone yet.
- Looks like alot of people trying to sell, AND the ticket vendor suddenly has more tix to sell.
- k, I'll give it a try.
- Another day where I am trying to navigate the shit my mind is throwing at me.
- Trying to let go of the cloud of depression that my head is apparently inside of.
- I like how you're trying to reframe things.
- Declans team did all right, but teams in his bracket got into a fight and they had to kick them out of the tournament.
- Doing my best over here to fight off old thought patterns that want me to feel bad and make me feel worthless
- Trying to stay busy and not be depressed
- I'm good right now, I'm just getting to work after trying to get a little extra sleep this morning.
- I did try.
- at the moment I am just trying to get back into doing some work.
- Trying to feel like I'm making a contribution or impact.
- I'm tempted to be really disappointed and bummed out and think about I would've could've should've, but I'm trying to focus on the positive of being free of feeling like this every day of my life
- Out on a walk right now to try and change my headspace.
- I'll try to look at it soon
- Remember the fear thing?I'm afraid of getting in trouble.That may sound weird but it's the best way I can describe trying to avoid my father's wrath growing up.
- My Uncle Michael Mahoney passed away last night after a long fight with cancer.
- he was trying to hang in there to see us next week when we arrived.
- Been a weird week trying to process the passing of my uncle Michael and still feeling for Nat too.
- Working today and tomorrow and going to try and treat this weekend as a vacation as well
- Trying my best to pause and process, but it's hard.
- Trying to get back into running with my low back.
- So many thoughts and emotions are trying to hijack me this morning.
- Having to survive on liquids today.
- Try Audible and get it here: https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B01GSIZ5AC&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006
- Trying my best :-)
- Anyway there you go, I don't have anyone else I can do this with so thank you 😊
- Trying to do everything without Liz here and its challenging.
- Trying to soak it all up and enjoy these last seasons.
- You should try it.
- Fighting off the demons this morning.
- Trying to drag me to the dark places 🙁ugh this is getting so old
- Trying to understand where they are currently at where you need to get them to be.
- just had this feeling come over me—very strong.
- Trying to get my head straight
- Trying to talk him through it but it ain't happening
- Always working and fighting to get back to ‘normal.' But what if this IS normal?
- I need acceptance and stop fighting for something that is likely just an illusion I have in my mind.
- Just pushing through a lot of work, and trying to get to the holiday to take a rest.
- One doc suggested removal if it's persistent and annoying, which it is.
- Liked "It's getting better - no doing assisted strength moves - only where sling at night and when I leave the house"
- Liked "Try 50 mins work 10m break 50m work 10m break 50m work 40m break - 1 or 2 sessions day"
- when you say "keep it viewer height" what are you trying to do?
- hold on have to get the link...
- I can see what you're trying to do
- keep trying to find happiness and contentment from inside — self generated — but no luck.
- keep looking, and trying, and not looking, and not caring, and nothing seems to shift.
- I look at it more like what am I trying to avoid
- was trying to text u right before you called
- one of those moments we talked about where I never meant to be on that site taking the test, but I started clicking on things and now trying to refocus.
- More of this flashback animation to fight back on these bozos who are killing people with their bullshit
- hey there, did you just try to call?
- trying to solve woo commerce plugin conflicts with other 3rd party tools
- hey there, been slightly busy, and then trying to take care of myself.
- Try Audible and get it here: https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=1683643453&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006
- And while she did fight back (woken up dozens of times to late night fights,screaming, breaking dishes, etc) he ultimately had the upper hand.
- My patience with this life, the amount of mental suffering I've endured thus far and continue to endure, is running out.
- I did manage to survive, but it tested me 😊
- "We cannot bear a pointless torment : but we can endure great pain if we believe that it's purposeful."
- Have a few A+L things I'm doing, and of course trying to practice some kind of self care instead of being anxious and stressed all day
- Try not to tweak the styles.
- Trying to process things and shiftAbout to wrap up working on other ppls stuff and work on mine
- U try to call or pocket dial?
- I'm online tomorrow trying to wrap up things and organize others
- Had a 40 minute phone call/video call to talk through a bunch of recent issues and trying to troubleshoot them.
- I am trying to get it to Claud and get a bandage on it so I may be a little tardy
- They're going to try and fill it today and said come back tomorrow
- He has Covid and on anabiotic‘s and they're trying to get him comfortable because of his ribs.
- Been trying my whole life
- Try Audible and get it here: https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B01N42GV8U&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=player_overflow
- old stories+shit in the brain trying to take over
- I'll get better or die trying.
- Trying out Pomodo timing for work today.
- i'm ok, head down and trying to work on my site
- Since doing EMDR I've had days where my entire being is not being run by anticipatory anxiety—trying to get everything in its right place so as to not create ripples on the pond of life.
- Maybe I'm trying too hard?
- Hey one thing I have to take into account I am trying to find the best way forward with my lifelong mental illness.
- Trying to heal my marriage and heal myself at the same time
- ah yes, "there is no try, only do"
- It's one thing to sit in California and imagine the triggers, and be triggered and try to process.
- It's an entirely different situation sitting inside the death star trying to use the force
- Strong winds, large swells early but still choppy, dark clouds everywhere.Been through these type of storms before, but my fatigue is deep.
- Self-esteem is essentially non-existent and self-doubt very strong.All that by 12 noon today.
- submitting proposals and trying to land a project.
- I begin stacking items and trying to make sense of an amorphous pile of everything.
- my father asked me why I wanted to do that, my response I'm trying to get a Headstart before you're dead 💀
- If I'm honest I've been dragging my ass for too long on it anyway.
- Depression is strong today
- Keep going.
- The blame shame guilt regret are attached to an old identity that lives in the past and it is trying to get you back.
- My mind kept trying to bring me down, make me fear.
- I hope everything is going OK for you and the family trying to get everything rounded up so you can move to the next phase of your life.
- My mind keeps wanting to make stories to make sense of all of this and it's hard to ignore the stories but I spend a lot of energy fighting it
- Going to share about my depression and trying to hide it because of shame.
- The waves of feelings come over me strong.
- Once that's done I'm making it live and then letting you and others know to visit and try to break it 😊
- That may be one component but you know this fear and so it's power is not as strong?
- Some checking in with Declan, trying to get them to play me and darts, or watch a series with me on Netflix.
- Trying to schedule today.
- Right now I'm focused on my work situation and trying to resolve that since it's something I can take action on and potentially resolve.
- anyhow, I have to try and get something done on the job/work front today.
- trying to teach me that it's a "choice" etc
- survive another day so I can go to sleep and not be conscious and suffer
- We make complex services drag-and-drop simple"You can try it before you buy it:
- spent all morning meditating and using tools to try and loosen up my neck.Over the past month I've started to develop bad neck / upper back tightness and nerve pinching.Stress, poor sleep, etc.
- you can try
- have spent 3 hours this morning trying to get into Sallies PC.
- the force was strong with her
- trying to work, but its hard.
- Not near check book I have to look it up in the app so hold on
- This whole time for through all the interviews and this whole process I'm fighting against myself.
- There's a part of me that doesn't think I'm good enough for anything so, I have to deal with that self-doubt and try to project confidence.
- Tons of energy expended, and then tons of energy just trying to steady the mental ship
- Going on a nice hike and then leaving Earth and never coming home is my preference right now.I'm sick of fighting myself inside my head all day every day.
- The feeling of "better off dead 💀 " is incredibly strong right now
- Thanks for the wish.Each time I fight thru it always comes back.
- Intellectually it's crystal clear, emotionally it runs right over me simply because I'm already on my knees bleeding from fighting the rejection in my mind
- And then started talking out loud between the long sessions of tears trying to make sense of it all.
- All this emotion shit and working on myself and trying to get better
- Music, massage etc.Same routine dozens of timesAnd then I I see she's upset I stop everything and try to understand why she's crying.
- I am not trying to be a pain in the ass, I am just a little slow in the brain from all the crying and it being the middle of the night morning
- Liked "So its fair to say you are motivated to do what needs to be done to fight for the relationship and your family "
- And it's not within my DNA to harm her in anyway.
- I should've been telling her I feel forgotten every week, or whenever I felt it instead of just going it's nothing keep going.
- I will send them momentarily I'm just making coffee and trying to stop crying
- The other thing I don't understand, is that if she felt like she was being truly attacked, why didn't she fight back?That's not the Elizabeth I know.
- She's strong tough and always fights back
- I remember vividly saying to her if she felt that strongly that's what happened that she needs to call the cops and I need to be arrested and prosecuted.
- I'm trying to use my heart to hold my sadness rather than letting it sit in my mind and generate feelings.
- Liked "I'll give him a day and try again.
- I'm giving Notion a try with this second-brain idea:
- I know you have a lot going on trying to get out of town.
- Its as close to trying to say what I feel.
- If I don't say a word, or try to interact with her, she would act like I don't exist.
- Stories and lies are trying hard to break inside and dictate the narrative today.
- And the dark side is trying to pull me down I can feel it big time.
- I regret we didn't communicate, but I was operating from a space of time and distance for her to heal.meanwhile I was just trying to process why I was being accused of and what transpired that day.
- The phrasing reeks of insincerity.However, what I think is needed is ‘masking' and the force is strong with me on this.
- I ran into errors trying to use SiteGround's tools.
- I'll try to make this work
- Will try shortly
- when should I try?
- Let me try this one last import and if unsuccessful rebuild
- walking dog then I'll sit down and take another try at getting it to work
- This is the 5th try from the ground up.Each time I've run into issues — been frustrating, and an enormous time eater.
- how goes trying to find balance?
- I can try BofA.
- I was trying last year when I was visiting
- k try now
- On the trail with two of my best friends trying to sort out my mind
- Came on strong in session
- Therapy long ago would have made us way stronger.
- K going to try and wind down
- Liz isn't trying
- Its a must so we can establish normal human acknowledgement of someones existence on a consistent and persistent basis.
- I've actually done a lot of writing around all of this experience and I thought about trying to put it together in one long experiential thing.
- Thing is she's not come back to talk about it and try to process it.
- I'm totally responsible and I have spoken to my sons about this time in our lives and expressed my regret and remorse and apologize if I had hurt them in anyway either.
- If we're going to make any progress, we have to keep going to sessions and communicating.
- Anyway, on the verge of getting me emotional again I'm just tired of feeling ashamed.
- "We fight and suffer to gain ownership.
- We fight and suffer to keep ownership.
- We fight and suffer after losing ownership.
- Everything is a fight and suffering.
- I'm wondering if I should, not be annoying, but be persistent in my outreach.
- I just found this, and I have downloaded to check it out and try it.
- We were just texting about all kinds of shit anyway I don't think there was any harm done but she knows.
- i'm gonna try to go to sleep, and if I fall asleep, I actually am praying that I don't wake up because I'm tired of this, tired of my life that is just getting worse for me.
- I think some people will feel awkward trying to maintain a connection to both of us.
- I'm going to sign off (please don't think I'm ghosting you if I don't respond...I'm just trying to ensure I don't make things any harder than they already are).
- I am strongly feeling as though I have no say in my life right now
- A stubborn hold on things
- We both believe we have legit reasons for leaving.However, I want to TRY changing how we interact and relate.Let's start there because there is no relationship between us right now.
- I'm trying to feel joy
- I can't win this fight
- I'm mad at myself.Feeling this experience is evidence of my father's persistent refrain, "you're not good enough," and making it a prophetic implant that my subconscious made true.
- I am speaking into the phone and trying to annunciate myself.
- I'm gonna end up, fighting myself to go out.
- I just don't want to try to generate energy to do some thing and just be fucking disappointed.
- I had desire to try and meet other women, but I got discouraged after you told me to wait.
- But I don't know if that's me just trying to substitute and pacify instead of denying myself yet again for even more time.
- my present situation, and how it will carry into the future is going to be persistent.
- This is my life from here forward, sadness, persistent, inescapable sadness as my baseline.
- Trying to work, but a future I dont want to be in is in front of me.I dont want what's coming.There is no ‘going forward' with that
- Just existing and I'm done fighting against myself.There is no point in me being alive now.
- This is a woman who will be stopped by nothing; I watched it myself with her training and racing—superhuman mental and physical strength.No Ironman could stop her, but I can.
- I'm being forced to go live a life I don't want to live at all.I know people don't wanna hear that, but it is the persistent and consistent thought and wine.
- Anyhow, going to try it some more tonight.
- I noticed at a certain point my therapist was wiping the corners of her eyes.Exactly as if you were catching someone who was trying to clear their eyes of tears before they started coming out
- All I'm trying to do is understand.
- I just don't want that, I want to be with Liz.When I'm out in public I try to imagine myself with someone else, and it's incredibly uncomfortable to the point of public crying.
- I'm simply miserable and generating a mask when in public to survive interaction with other humans.
- OK, I'm going to try to distract myself with some YouTube.
- I feel stupid honestly because I don't get what you're trying to convey.
- "Youre braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."— AA Milne, Winnie the Pooh
- I'm about to try and fall asleep as I am waking up at 4:10 so I can be downstairs for my pick up at 4:45.
- I've been fighting against it and that's not working.
- The certainty of it feels stronger.I'm more at peace with my impermanence more and more I think about it
- Lost in my head for an hour.Trying to snap out of it now.
- I have some other things I would like to accomplish then I'm gonna try right now.
- I feel like one of those astronauts with a jet pack on his back, floating a couple hundred yards away from the spaceship.I'm just a strong breeze away from never coming back.
- Feeling is quite strong that the juice of life aint worth the squeeze
- If I try to take on MORE I'm out.
- I lived my entire life from a place of fight or flight.
- I've never known what it means to be truly relaxed, as it was never talk to me or encouraged when I was young in anyway.
- I sat and gave some serious thought about what my life might look like if I was willing and able to survive this transition.
- I've tried to sit with my pain, and meditate, and just try to be with it.However, when I invited in, I suddenly cannot breathe, have shortness of breath, and a tsunami of sorrow knocks me over.
- K, going to distract myself with some YouTube and try to go to bed early.
- I'm honestly at the point where I almost dont care anymore.You get too tired trying to cope and carry on like life aok.
- I have to try and get work done
- It's just the emotions hit me and they come out through tears at least now anyway, watch the video.
- In light of everything else I'm trying to do this puts a little cramping my style moneywiseThat being said you could be incredible value for me and doing this.
- Trying to get out of house
- I'm trying to stay busy to distract myself, so it may be a minute for me to reply
- It had been going for about two hours, strong.
- Anyway, it's like anything it comes and then it passes like clouds.
- Went on a hike with the dog, and before that I was trying to make some progress on putting Declan's new window in.
- I will try the same we will see
- I think I may be trying to fool myself
- if you cant get to the Bard, can I try?
- Tired of fightingTired of getting no whereTired of feeling isolated and stuck
- trying to process this but I'm having a hard time with it
- It's my marriage send it's just suffered because of my mental illness and I'm sick of fighting myself.
- I try to time box my day so I touch all the thing I want to.
- I applied over 6months ago so I can try again.
- trying to time block
- I am accused of trying to make my version of events the truth.
- That is not the case and I am not trying to do that.Needless to say speaking to Joanna confirmed for me just how messed up all of this is.
- And here I'm trying to be respectful, because I know I can be overwhelming sometimes
- Try seeing my upward profile again
- Hold on.
- Hold on
- Trying to get off campus
- Anyway, don't pay any attention to me.
- Going to try for the most remote spot at Casitas.
- There are multiple Walmart supercenters I'm stopping at before I get deep into desert, I will try to buy an adapter at one of those places, I know they carry them.
- anyway to pay me for that recent work?
- It's ridiculous far too many to try to text on this 2 bar situation.
- Marble Distilling Company150 Main St, Carbondale, CO 81623, USAwe can use this place as an excuse to go over and try out my Tesla adapter.
- Trying to get into digital ocean
- This is the little restaurant I kept driving by I was trying to tell you about
- I did get you guys something to try
- Like I should be social and try to connect with people, yet deep down I don't want to.
- Been trying for 20 mins
- I'll try again when I get back.
- Trying to sign in
- Also let me know when you have plug-in and I can keep going on pro video
- And have to say it's incredible to be in a relationship with somebody who has awareness and understands what it takes to make a relationship not just survive but thrive
- Trying to finish my piece
- Feels like trying to make decisions for me, feels like I'm 17 again
- Fighting an uphill mental battle
- I don't try to it just happens.
- But he came at me, totally negative like you're not gonna survive you're going to fail.
- He kept asking me how are you going to survive, I said when I get out there, I'll have to get some kind of fucking job until I can get what I'm after interviewing.
- I don't mind it I like camping and it won't be that fucking cold anyway.
- Actually hold on
- Loved "Just got this in my messages"KEEP GOING just one..."
- They're all sort of in the same spot and I'm trying to get them wrapped up so I can leave because they're for my parents and my brother.
- Trying to see Heidi and say hello before I leave.
- "The only true and lasting capital that a successful person possesses is a strong and courageous mind.
- His story about trying to help out this guy down on his luck was incredible to hear.
- Completely cool, and the gang, and I wasn't trying it was just there
- I'm trying to man, but life is bitch slapping me in the face right now
- Anyhow, just trying to survive over here
- No, I didn't try, did you?
- I just got into camp after soccer and trying to put some kind of sandwich together for dinner.One thing I can feel really big is loneliness.
- I can try to mess around later when I'm on my laptop.
- Hey, could you read this text I drafted to send to Liz?I'm trying to get her to just open up and treat me like a person instead of some rancid asshat.thx—Hi, I have an honest question for you.
- Every once and a while the enormity of what I am trying to carry and get through overwhelms me.Tears, fear, frozen from action.
- Going to try to put my feet in the sand and see if that helps.I'm really getting sick of fucking living like this.I hate my life I want out
- Sitting here in Starbucks trying to not appear like I'm crying 😢 and wiping away tears
- Might try to camp on east end of Ojai in the avocado orchards
- I've spent 49 years trying to.I don't think I'll ever unglue myself from that
- OK time to get online and try to do something
- I started doing it last night and I'm gonna try to get it all done this morning if not later tonight after the soccer game.
- **Use Action Verbs:** Start bullet points with strong action verbs to make your experiences more dynamic.7.
- She ALWAYS THINKS I'm trying to emotionally manipulate her when all I'm doing is expressing myself and my emotions.
- Before I switch off my brain and just watch alien videos on YouTube tonight like I usually do, I'm going to try to get another application in for either Walmart or target
- My vibe.For past 3 years.And still going strong.Days come and go....
- OK, I'm gonna try to be quiet now and I'm already crying about it so I'll just reach back out on Friday morning
- I so want to ask D and D in person because if they try to get on over on me I'll see and feel it.
- Trying
- I'm trying to show GPT handwritten pages of notes through my camera and convert it into text.
- What I'm trying to figure out
- I also informed her that I'm clueless about when women are hitting on me so if she told her if she's trying to put the moves on, she hast to be really straightforward
- "Struggling with our memories is like fighting a shadow.
- We can try with all our might, but we can never win."
- Another month or so none of it's gonna matter anyway cause if shit doesn't fall into place for me I'm done I can't keep living my life like this.
- I know you're trying to be positive and optimistic.
- I feel too fucking tired to care to even try to go do all that shit you just listed
- I'm just simply tiredTired of doingTired of tryingTired of holding out hope
- I understand all the newfangled tech lingo, and I've always designed a user interface like a boss.Battle-Tested: I've survived Y2K, the dot-com bubble, and every Windows update known to humanity.
- Might try google
- Broken = persistent rejection because I'm not fit for purpose
- Try it.
- I have a head hunter trying to get me in front of Microsoft
- - keep going it will a..."
- Trying to honor how I feel instead of being BULLHEADED and just forging ahead without allowing decompression to happen.
- Trying to dry clothes so I have something to wear
- I did some audio recording today and I will try to put it together shortly on my laptop.
- I haven't felt the desire to be dead this strong since I was in NY
- Werent in mail yesterday so I guess I'll try to look online to see if I can get it.
- I'll keep going down the page and keep you updated.
- Trying to work thru it.At Starbucks and have to do some writing editing of my stuff with my new candidate market fit statement
- I have 6 years persistent — since 2018
- I'll keep trying, but I'm a realist and realize I may never get there.
- I've been thinking about maybe trying that but I don't know.
- It's hard to think about the future when all I'm trying to do is get through today.
- Dude, I know I've got nothing to lose and can totally reinvent my life anyway, I want yet even despite that knowledge, I don't find myself liberated in anyway
- Like I said, I'm just trying to get through today
- I realized when trying to interact with other people today that I am not where others are.I have very little in common with others.
- I may have actually slept last night instead of having Fight Club in my sleep.
- I'll try using it tonight.
- Forget trying to do more, or be more now.
- My subconscious isn't letting me sleep at night.I have fight club every night.😟
- I'm unsure how I will make that happen, but its going to stop eventually.FIghting it, hating it, loving it, wanting, needing, feeling, etc.
- I must have been in Fight Club last night
- Maybe by 3pm but I may head back to Ojai at 2:45 to dash.I'm still very tired.Had Fight Club in my sleep again.
- Anyway...It's going to take me a long time to recover from this experience.Experiencing 3 life traumas while trying to heal childhood trauma, no biggie
- It adds to frustration and stress significantly because my critic uses it as a weapon against me to point out how I have failed persistently through my life.
- Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.
- About to go into Starbucks and try to do some work on the computer.I'm scheduled to DoorDash from 6 to 8 and then I'll probably just go to bed in my car in the park
- I'm trying to regroup and get going
- That's why you should get big bottles of vodka and put on a tape recorder and just fucking go bananas on reflecting all the bullshit that grips your fucking throat as you try to live every day
- Must be another night of fight club
- I have no memories, just blanks when I try to think of things from recent times
- Why would I want to remember any of this anyway.
- That wherever I am I shouldn't be because I'm homeless and don't belong.The feeling of "not belonging" to the rest of everyone around me is huge and strong.
- The chatter in my brain was saying I'm a fucking liar.What am I lying for?What am I trying to protect?The shame I'll feel in sharing?The repercussions from Liz?The "I dont know" stuff?
- anyway, another hard day here
- I had two people try to start a fight with me.
- Trying to figure out what to do with my day work wise
- I go to the work then I try to pay using their stuff and it doesn't work and then I get the dildo of consequences.
- Anyway, I'll I'll be fine.
- I've definitely flipped the switch to the point where if I was in this headspace a couple of weeks ago and those people tried to start a fight with me.
- Trying for the self talk to boost confidence and convinced darts are going to go in.
- It hurts more when you know that people don't know the depths of what you're going through, how long it's been there, and what you do to survive inside your own head
- Trying to go find somewhere to park and cry
- Maybe if I accept the worthless this is suffering instead of fighting it?
- I don't want to be alive plain and simple.I'm invisible Forgotten andRejected consistently What message do I take away??I dont matter, and living hurts too much to keep going
- I'll send prototype links 🔗 for you to test and try
- It's my shit and I'm trying to sell me and it's really fucking hard.
- Like persistent hyperventilating
- I think I'm doing fight club again in the middle of the night.
- Then practice darts for league games tomorrow and this weekend I'd like to finish season strong.Imagine if I didn't have all this shit 💩 going on in my life?I'm in the top 🔝 half of the league.
- Trying to find money.
- I fail to understand why I keep trying when all I have to show for a year is rejection, ghosting, and feeling miserable at some point Every.
- Trying to use Uber Eats to make money and getting nothing.
- You have to try to get spots seven days in advance or they get all taken.
- I've learned that people have a lot of subconscious and unconscious biases that I have no ability to change and I'm fighting against it.
- I'm trying to figure out what to say to my dart team.
- Between the stress of trying to find a job, the stress of figuring out where I'm gonna fucking sleep every night the stress of do I have enough money to buy food to fucking eat.
- Anyway
- If I go file the right paperwork, the court is going to order her to pay me some kind of money so that I can fucking survive.
- At least if I was an imbecile, which I feel like one anyway I'd be so stupid.
- What about me is an unemployed worker fuck you you can survive on your own
- I had no idea they would say that about me and then went on with our game.Anyway, I wanted to share that it just popped into my head and it's amazing.
- Anyway, I'll stop now.
- Anyway, I didn't mean to take you off course your day go about your business and yeah, just I'm good
- Anyway, dude, you just don't have to deal with me.
- I had no idea that I did this but in the middle of the night I start fighting throwing punches kicking yelling.
- It would certainly be something I would be willing to try not to feel like shit anymore.
- I'm going to try not to be seen by people.
- And I'm trying to not show it or let it out.
- Anyway, I get to sit in my own stew for the rest of the day and be miserable and depressed.
- I could try to distract myself with working on my client project or working on my website or something towards finding a job.But I do that every fucking day all day long.
- Anyway....
- Trying to solve my own problem here and again more shit getting in the way.
- I hate feeling like I get fucked in the ass every time I try to do the right thing
- Let me try again
- I'm trying one more thing I'm gonna re-add the card and see if that helps.
- So I guess if you put 10 or 20 bucks there I can keep trying until I make it work.
- Going to restart my phone and try everything all over again
- After about 20 minutes and five different ways of trying to pay, I was able to do a bank transfer via account number from DMV to my DoorDash card.
- Trying different ideas
- And paying my car payment is persistently on my mind
- It's 80° and kind of warm so I'm gonna chill here eat and maybe try to meditate to get my head back in the right spot.
- I'm going to try and get it done within this next week.
- I'm trying, but honestly, I'm so unmotivated to have to fucking bust my ass so hard just to keep my head above the water
- I may have had one of those fight club nights sleeping last night.
- I try to do what you mention, but the random interruptions is the oil to the water of my workflow.
- Anyway, I'm on my way to hang out by myself.
- And if you're curious what I'm beating myself up about, even when I'm actively trying to do the right thing I still somehow fuck things up.
- Read this tonight and it hit.—You are strong—and you struggle.
- You want to find what matters and do more of it.You are strong—and you struggle.
- Right, hopefully I don't have fight club tonight
- Anyway, I'm freaked the fuck out so.
- It subsides it comes again and then it subsides for maybe a while and then my mind will be right back at it againI'm fighting my brain .And I discovered that I'm too lazy to commit suicide
- He is planning on training all summer so that he can walk on to their soccer team next year ,College teams, even division one, have an open tryout day for any student at the school.
- They potentially could turn him into a lethal scoring machine.He has the speed the strength and now the size.
- He's taller than me five times faster than me and as strong as me And he's not 18 for another week.
- I don't want to tell people the truth at somebody's memorial service it's just not the place Anyway I think I'm going to go to Ventura and then come back up to Ojai tonight to DoorDash
- I'm trying but things don't seem to be working out for me.I spent a lot of time reflecting in the church today and I don't know I'm not.
- I just feel so Done with everything people life waking up taking a shit eating food but I barely eat food now anyway so I'm just fucked up in my life and that's just the way things are
- Anyway, I have to drive almost an hour just to get to the heart of the place.
- I can try Ventura or Santa Barbara but I'm gonna need to be up until midnight every night when the schedule gets released.
- I was trying to stay, relaxed and focused on the questions, but also be observing the overall quality of it.
- I try to tell her, but I start getting too pissed off text message and I can't control myself.
- So if you could read it and let me know if it's Hard-core or anyway you know
- I'll try.Have a really hard headache from crying the first few hours of the day.Difficult to stay hopeful when you rejection is already waiting
- So tired today.Think I may have had fight club last night My jaw kills and my teeth are slowly grinding down.Company I paid $2k to fix my teeth went out of business
- I'll try tonight
- But I don't know if I should try to force it.
- Trying to get Darragh to commit to a schedule for training.
- For me, that's such an important part of the intimacy — simply hug/hold one another and look into one another's eye's, no words, no sounds, just being with the other being.
- What I was trying to say is that the past two days have been better than 99.99% of the days I've had in a long time
- She isn't honoring her vows and like not even trying like she phoned it in which is it insult to the injury for me like compound that I'm invisible.
- Grappling with wanting to beat myself up for not being able to deal with this and just keep going.
- Try to get either this thing off the ground with Vic and DJOr do art and figure out how to make money doing art
- Will try on Monday and the day I get in will be the day I file.
- So if you ever "get stuck," you can always try clicking a few forward or backward.image.pngThe video of my brief walkthrough link is here.
- Can't say I haven't been trying to get out.But damnit, at some point, WTF???
- I want a do over and I can't get one.I wish Liz at least fucking pretended to try to care when I wanted to sit with the therapist and talk.
- I'm trying to communicate sorry.
- It's like I'm in fight club in my brain every night.
- I'm not trying to argue.
- I know that trying to change people as fruitless.
- Makes me miserable without even trying.
- Somehow I didn't get on a team which bums me out, but I'm going to go anyway and watch because I do nothing else social and the people I play with are cool.
- I was going to try to focus on that this morning, but I realized I had eight bucks to my name so I've got a late phone bill a late car payment and elite insurance payment right now.
- Wanna try to get to 60 might take me the rest of the day into probably mid evening like 9 o'clock at night.
- Dashing for another hour and a half, and then I will try to login.
- Anyway, I'm hopeful.
- That's an excellent question that I don't know the answer to but needs to be talked about.I drove to Darts tonight and turned around and I'm headed to the beach to try to relax.
- I need sleep.My eyes were closed and I was unconscious but I think I was at fight club last night
- and I've spent all day fighting webservers because they turn off my hosting today.
- I hope the FinalForms people arent trying to look 😟
- I don't think people understand my brain doesn't work right so trying to call places and get things organized and make appointments and do all that kind of shit is impossible for me right now.
- I could try to DoorDash, but there is no way I'll make that much money in 24 hours and besides DoorDash won't let me do that many hours in a row
- I keep trying to convince myself this is worth continuing, but I don't know anymore for real
- I can't listen to podcasts watch YouTube videos and try to learn something.
- I'll pass but that means I'll likely get skipped over when I can sub, but then I won't be able to drive anyway because I won't have car insurance.
- I'm sorry, man I know you're trying to do the right thing but my back is against the wall and I'm kind of fucked
- Cry my fucking eyes out trying to think and I can't
- I just got a DoorDash eight minutes before I wanted to stop and it's taking me to Vons to do shopping which I wanted to do anyway so serendipity I'll do my shopping while I do this.
- I'm done trying
- try as I might, with as much desire and want that any person can muster, this seems to be something either unattainable or some reason the universe isn't allowing things to happen
- it's a good try on the spin.
- Trying to text u an image of a T-Mobile text saying that my monthly service has been suspended.
- Well you saw him and knowingly be homeless did you offer help in anyway.
- Not having that persistently on my mind makes me cry
- I've been alone a long time anyway, everything fucked up
- I'm trying to get a lot of sleep for self-care because I don't sleep much when I'm sleeping in the car
- Try as I might
- One of which is trying to get my prescriptions refilled for my depression medication.
- She may fight that and say well that's his problem.However, I'd like to remind her of her mother and father's separation and her father took very good care of her mother Despite the situation.
- I could not imagine Sallie going homeless in that situation so I still have something in the back of my head about all this that I'm still holding onto and anyway I'll talk about that another
- Trying to not spend all my time here with face to screen
- This is true I will look but right now I am urgently trying to get out the door before they get home like I said I'm busy
- Trying to find gratitude
- trying to get the divorce paperwork done right now.
- I guess I'm gonna sit here in my car in a parking lot until 11 and then try to DoorDash so I have money to buy water.Then I'm probably just gonna sit in my car more.
- How much more of this I can endure is unknown but there's not much more than I can take or endure much farther
- I know I do it insanely and it's something I have now shifted so I'm trying to inspire you to do the same thing.
- Trying to speech to text a minute ago and it didn't work.
- Whatever fucking point this is trying to prove ain't working because at this point, I'm just fucking angry and I don't give a shit anymore.
- I shouldn't be getting caught up in the thought loops then again I'm trying to process this shit.
- Seeing that confirmed to me she's definitely past me, or she's trying to forget me.
- I'm simply trying to survive to the next day.Over and over again to what end?
- K, have to spend time trying to find a toilet to start the day, and hope I don't shit my pants before I find one
- trying to convince myself otherwise, is no different than the argument against suicide.
- What I'm hearing isYou can have the life of your dreamsbut you have to be in your situation for an unknown durationa week,if your willing to survive
- Awareness never really has a chance to survive that wave when it comes in.
- k, have to try and stop shaking like a leaf.
- But I can't in good conscience put myself out there with my situation the way it isI can't try to be in a relationship when I don't have a fucking job.
- Going to try and do one art thing before parking and sleeping.
- I'll try meditation
- 5 panels.Dynamic text on one side, imagery/graphics on the other Trying to speak to their pain points
- today has been probably the most challenging day I've ever had in trying to focus on the computer and do stuff.
- Believe me no one is actively trying to get closer to me
- no, fighting the freeze reponse of depression that doesnt want me to help myself
- I'll need to doordash today to survive the day/night
- If I fight things, it makes it worse.Accept my situation.Accept my plight
- I'm simply burned out from, and tired of, this situation.I'm at the point where why keep trying?trying only keeps me where I am.If I dont try things will change, maybe not how I want, but they will.
- Trying isn't making change.So I'll do some ‘not trying' to make change.
- really feeling the "give the fuck up" vibe strong today
- I'm seeing if its a catfish trying to con me.
- strong feeling to get in my car, drive to a spot in a big parking lot where I'm away from people and feel private,and just cry.
- As if I never fucking lived itIt's like I can't learn my fucking lesson and hold onto it, I have to keep beating myself with it over and over again on the head until I wake the fuck up
- I'm not sure if there's literally something missing in my brain that won't let me hold onto these lessons because I should not be beating myself up over this shit for as long as I have
- Thing is it's not like I'm trying to fuck anybody over here
- People who come to my mahoney.com could also end up on the other site and see only goodness this guy has a lot of work he's done lots of stuff anyway that's what's behind it
- I am trying everything in my damn power to fight it but I spend my day fighting myself that'snot enjoyable at allIt feels like I lose no matter what I do
- Feel like I connect to other realities in my dreams and fight.
- I would love to put myself out there again and try to meet someone and move on past Jenica.
- Meditating right now to try to get the fuck out of this hole
- When you have a second could you help me decipher this particularly towards the end I kind of lose the point they're trying to make about having answers and the focus of my life
- This Sunday I'm a mild mess.Try to push against my procrastination and giong down rabbit holes in the mind and not doing shit.
- Anyway yes finances to get my car a check up, then post check up what if it needs something Like it for sure needs brakes.
- I know she's clueless about my sitiuation, and probably doesnt give a shit, but I have to try.
- Just pushing through another day to survive.
- I shouldn't hold on to these things.
- Going to try and meditate.
- You fight yourself internally to hit them—all my life.I digress.
- To survive the encounterI could probably pull it off because I'm an Oscar worthy performer you have no idea when I'm doing it because it's that fucking good.Maybe acting?
- today is another hard day for me and only been up an hour.I feel numb, mentally and physically.As if I just want to stop doing anything that is ‘TRYING" and give up.Nothing is working.
- if there is to be some kind of reconciliation like don't we need somebody between us to like bring everybody together so there's no explosions on the way or do we just try to wing it on our own?
- I've gone through so much trying to get to where I am and get some semblance of valance that I haven't had in a long time
- Just sitting here in silence staring at DoorDash trying to get money to fall out of the sky
- She just will pop into my head every day even though I'm not trying to think of her.
- I am trying to let her go as best I can.One thing I learned from her is what it feels like to be wrapped in someone's love.I felt love and intimacy in ways that I never had before.
- Honestly there is a part of me that doesn't want to do this and I am fighting against that.
- No wonder I can't get anywhere I'm trying to push nine different ways
- So now I get to spend all fucking day just trying to get the money back to make the payment and won't have any money to eat
- every time I try to stand up I get my legs taken out
- I'm trying to find how they charged me, or where.
- I've been noodling with AI while sitting here trying to figure out a strategy for the best way to get my business online
- Anyway I apologize profusely and sent them a photo of my insurance information and I'm hoping they can take care of it all and get what they need
- I just spent the last two hours non-fucking stop looking for local work trying to find something I can do here and it's fucking hard.
- And it just so happens they try to get it in the little window when I don't have enough in there so now I gotta get on the phone and try to work out.
- I'm trying to fetch
- I have far too much on my website.It is, as we say, information dense.That is my enemy when trying to communicate, it makes people look away or click away.
- We agreed when discussing it that we both felt a really strong deep feeling we knew each other already.
- I always try.
- I'm feeling Really strong vibes I just don't wanna be here.I just ran into to Jenica's really good friends one with her husband who I know and the other with a new boyfriend I didn't know.
- Anyway I'm just sick of feeling fucked up and alone and depressed and feeling like a loser because my luck won't changeI really feel the tap out urge strongly
- I'm definitely not trying to find myself in other things or look for some kind of codependency I'm just straight up fucking alone
- I want to speak to her directly and ask her to have a conversation with Aidan because he's ready to start punching me and start a fight
- I was in no way trying to provoke him but he was triggered.
- Even if that looks like me living somewhere not with her, but we are going to therapy, and maybe on small dates where we simply go to dinner relax and try to talk and get our relationship back.
- "Keep going" and "keep pushing" are easy to sayBut not to do.
- But at least we tried.The thing that's bothering me is I'm getting a divorce without even trying to save it
- K the 33 up to Ojai trying not to burn a lot of my battery this is my last chance to get into storage tomorrow they'll put a lock on it because I haven't paid
- car insurance and liz.trying to breathe and not lose my shit.
- And in this day and age everything fights for attention, everything is attention marketing.
- I'm currently having a panic attack trying to deliver this pizza I'm doing my deep breathing I'm calm but I can feel the panic underneath the surface.
- Trying not to hyperventilate trying to breathe deeply trying to do my stuff skills whatever
- I'll try to create an outline for a plan to get my ass to Colorado
- Today is start of the new moon set intentions for this month today tell the universe you want shit to happen by the end of this month whatever it is you're trying to manifest.
- I'm not trying to manifest ginormous abundance trying to be realistic.
- And I've come to accept the fact that no matter how I try Jenica is going to keep showing up in my head
- There is no way I'm going to live the rest of my life without trying to get back with her.I know I have to wait and see what plays out with Elizabeth and the divorce.
- I feel strongly that all the bullshit, as I will call it the suffering the wailing the moaning the begrudging the whoa is me.
- having a hard time trying to fix my broken website.
- I thought I was on platinum status so I could dash at any time for the month.However you need to keep it above 100 constantly so I have to keep going every single fucking day.
- I'm trying to do the best I can
- And I feel a strong pole to like do something other than DoorDash and staring at my computer stressing
- I know I did everything with in my power and abilities to try to heal the relationship.
- I'm simply trying to get thread of communication going with her.
- I'm not trying to start a fight or anything I looking for understanding.
- I just have to get some things out of me dude I can't hold onto them.
- That's just part of healing for me I can't hold onto some shit.
- went down rabbit hole of trying to delete duplicate files on iCloud.
- Anyhow it's almost 8No social life otherwise I would try to go out and be with people.
- Trying to sleep and theres a loud band playing nearby.
- Feeling loneliness again.when these feelings come on and I get overwhelmed by them they completely disable me from working I can't focus when things are that strong and that in my head.
- And yes I'm trying to change that I am fucking work at it every day and when I take a break I beat myself up because I don't deserve time off I haven't fucking earned it
- 30% sleep, 30% everything else: meditation, dashing, trying to find something more than I have going on for money
- Trying to focus on other things down here.
- Anyway I'll go start talking to myself and leave you alone
- She's gonna admit that she was at fault in anyway?
- hey, I need to try ketamine.I can't keep fighting myself everyday to get anything done.Let alone feel like shit about myself, which getting nothing done is fuel to the fire of worthlessness
- I'm going to park in the park right now with my stomach grumbling and I'm gonna try to go to sleepAnd you wonder why I don't have a fucking Rosie outlook on life
- No freedom but I don't have much of that anyway so what the fuck
- I want to try to stay close to my kids, as close as possible
- Simply tired and beaten from trying to live.
- Right now I get to spend my day bouncing back-and-forth between trying to make a few bucks to eat and trying to find a fucking job
- I've told you I spent half my day fighting my brain all the text messaging above that shit is going on in my brain all fucking day long
- I'll try to be really responsible and make sure my phone is juiced up as possible and has the find my iPhone business on
- I'll try to do something for an hour and then I'm going to the beach.
- I feel as though at this point I have successfully survived today and now brain 🧠 will be too tired for creative thinking
- Thats why I cant forgetNo matter how I tryI feel compelled to chase herI keep getting messages to follow my gut
- If he gets his shit together and comes back around then maybe try again
- —My luck...Sam has been trying to call or text me while phones been offline
- no, I'm saying my luck is that he's trying to call
- hopelessness is trying to move in
- because I fight my head
- just to survive and make mone
- —anyway, i'll shut up now.
- try to call my number and see what you get.
- Simply trying to existAnd that feels like a struggle at this point
- —SuxThe feeling of not being wantedThe feeling of repeated rejectionPersonallyAndProfessionallyFor as long as this has persistedIs a long drawn out form of slow bleed torture
- K will try some pomodoros 25 min
- I'll try again when I'm at the brewery
- trying my best to live mindfully even give my situation.Some morning I find myself crying in the starbucks bathroom simply grateful to have access to it with a hassle — a damn privledge
- Despite opening acctWhich I need regardless,There is a 9 day hold on new checks for first 30 days of account.So my car pmt is due today.$600
- I'm trying to do that right now and FaceTime audio and FaceTime video keep hanging up on me
- Ok, instead of trying to explain it on a call I just wrote the whole thing out and texted.
- The only thing that's been proven thus far for my efforts is that if I keep trying really hard I'm gonna get nowhere and continue to suffer
- —Question is "our next steps" too strong??Should it be "the next steps'
- If you can, try to stay objective.
- —Shamefully texting Liz to see if she can give me $20 to survive into tomorrow
- Want to try an hour or two a day to get through it all
- —Hope u had a good day.Im done for tonight.Have an art idea i may try.Simple thing on computerOtherwise.
- The force of depression is strong today.The dark side.
- Fighting depression all morning.There's no "settling in"Its Zombie useless staring off into space semi-catatonic Or push and mask to be a functional depressive and pretend my life is normal
- Done trying to do anything todayToo depressedHave darts tonight and dont want to go
- Anyway...I'm going to leave starbucks shortly and maybe go to ventura early.No dashes scheduled.
- not strong, dumb
- I would love to try ketamine therapy.However, out here to pay for supervision would likely take the entire $2k for medical supervision, person with proper training, etc.
- you realize you're asking a depressed person to help themselvesEven if they do try to help themselves it will move at glacial pace.
- I know what if feels like to have something in your mind consume you and you cannot stop it.No willpower in the world could stop it, no matter how strong.
- I can survive on $20 a day.10 for food, ten for charge.Thats how its been on average for months.There is no buffer or savingU spend to survive
- Days u dont make 20 u go with less food or dont charge in hope you don't blow the battery until the next day trying to get 10 bucks to charge
- I have about 4 to 6 places that I park consistently otherwise it's fine $20 to survive every day.Pretty much life now.
- I'm feeling a really strong urge to text Jenica that I got rejected by a gold digger.
- I'm pretty sure I can't wait for mother nature to decide when I leave this world so I am going to take it into my own fucking handsYou know it's not like I didn't try.
- If you have time you can try to call, however I get it because I am wiped out tired myself.
- Barely survived summer
- I've been able to almost survivePeace
- going to try The Habit tonight and get a lettuce wrap double char meal
- Dude they don't retro anything in this state so when I walk into a courtroom it's not like they're gonna give me money from all the shit in the past that I endured.
- I spoke to a woman who survived cancer and she looked at me like what I'm dealing with now was way more than what the fuck she was dealing with.
- Anyway done ranting for now.I've been at storage 10 hours today and will be here for two or three more.
- Anyway, I'm at storage still.
- Just under 10 mins and I try charging again.Let car sit in shade for an hourIts breezy, maybe 80
- So I tried starting it with the car turned on that did not work.Next thing I'm trying is silicone lubricant on the charging cable lock pin.
- Trying to move forward with hemmoraging least amt money
- Funny Russ was trying to figure out how I could trade in my ego and drive out of there in a new car
- Ok.Truck + tow$517However no tow equipment on hand at ANY uhaul in St George area.If i stat at motel 6 and try the next two days its still unavalable.
- It's dead when I try to start it
- —Im having very strong feelings I want yo communicate to Jenica because she hurt me really bad and when I meditated on it I boiled it down to what's in this text message.
- No strong friends I've had over my life—everyone dissapears on me as some point....Even Liz...
- —Dark side is strong today
- Insanely strong.
- If it make 10% of the ppl who try feel better, I want to try.
- I'm not afraid of trying shit.
- did 2 hrs of dash 7-9 made $20 — now at starbucks trying to follow up on apps and apply to more
- -im tryingThats all i can do
- "Almost buddy, nice try"
- Ok, ill try
- Then I try to push and get nowhere compounding all the feelings
- I have to come and try their Carnitas
- I've been trying to figure out how to get a refill for a few days between local resources.
- Trying to make sense of things.
- I can survive the weekend and tackle on Monday
- —also, trying to get setup on taskrabbit, writitng 2 new case studies for my website, updating items on my website.
- I'll try tomorrow am
- Lack of familiarity and not knowing where there are places I could go alone to hang out, and not feel like an oddball or the loner every ones staring at.Strong desire to isolate and keep to myself.
- —Just tired of being alive and trying to make sense of it all while pressure continues trying to turn my carbon to diamond
- To keep trying is a waste so Im doing the intelligent thing and not trying anymore.
- feel like "whatever"Feels more burdensome to try and do things you enjoy only to find yourself in a deeply confusing and unsettled place.When your go tos are gone
- What the actual fuck.I was just trying to take a picture and my screen went all glitch, digital glitch, and then went back to normal.
- It kind of freaks me out like I just clicked over into another dimension or universe or some shit anyway it was fucking weird
- Anyhow why dont u call me when ur free tomorrow and we can talk before I try to connect.
- up at 1:30 and need to try to get sleep.I've been learning alot the past two weeks.
- Feels loke another night of fight club.
- Ive been doing a song dance and tap show to survive
- When people try to tell me that I don't really feel the way I do I feel so challenged I'm ready to go for the throat
- I know I'm trying to break it all down
- And I'll try my brother next
- Once I have store ready toTest ill send u fake cc #s and have u try it if ok with you.I'm actually helping set up the dart association e-commerce today to on PayPal
- Im in basement.I have a headache that is because ive ground my front teeth down to the soft dentin, and I grind when I sleep in fight club.
- I'm fighting myself right now.
- The longer this goes on Im witnessing my executive functionality dissapear, whatever I had in the first place.Incredibly hard to focus, concentrate, or persist on anythin more than 3-5 mins
- k, do my best to stop texting because I know how busy you are and you're trying to get out of the house.
- I was never able to get my California ones sorted because I was never near a mailbox.Anyway, it does not feel like a holiday season to me it feels like another blue Monday
- The hate moves along and is persistent
- Spinning my wheels trying to get out of the mud but keep digging myself deeper into being stuck.
- Not existing.Strong now
- Persistent, predictable, and numbingly dragging a soul who doesn't want to be here thru this shit because, others.
- Anyway...Nothing changes for me with all this.
- I'm numb and really don't care about much other than trying to get past my brain and finish the first project I have since 2016.
- May try to get the shopping cart tested.Also need to check mobile.Ill let you know when its online
- trying to push forward on site and stuff — but my brain isn't cooperating.
- Trying to complete and "about" page and other bits.Have my last JSC meeting of the year in one hour.
- Anyway my world isnt your problem.As of now I dont have cell phone service.I have 3 dashes tomorrow and then essentially nothing until after christmas.
- Try hard, dont try, NOTHING changes.
- No resources to go get a coffee somewhere and use wifi.So in the basement.How fitting.Anyway.
- we'll try to heads up.
- Heading to bed.As much as I try not to go there I'm feeling alone and sadSomehow, Im not sure if I want to keep going, as in rejection.I've had more rejection this year than any other in my life.
- —Just realized that if anyone WAS TRYING to call me about an interview they CANT REACH me because I have no phone.
- I had depression every day this year, with a variety of symptom's each day, all variable in existence and persistence.
- Trying damndest to not fall in a hole again today
- Going to try andwork on websiteBeen off fer 3hrs now
- this topic of helping is about 8 mins long, then they keep going.Point is, THIS PART speaks to you.
- I never use the phone anyway.
- I go to coffee shops to fight isolation and loneliness.
- When Im unable to do the little thing s that keep me tethered and sane, I typically dance with the devil rest of the day fighting off worthlessness and ideation.Thats the pattern.Been there enuf
- No job, no friends, isolated, no resources TO go anywhere to meet ppl anyway.
- I appreciate you trying, but acknowledging what Im dealing with goes alot farther in terms of trying to help.Its a depression thing.
- Not on the schedule, no time slots available.So I stay in the basement which is depressing to stay in all day no matter what I do or try.
- Haven't I suffered enuf?Do I need more sacrifices?How the fuck to move forward when EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE ITS AGAINST U?So frustratingPuts me in deep frustration and withdrawl from trying anymore
- Think I may just go walk in a circle outside, come back, and simply give up trying.Let it go.Nothing more frustrating than not being motivated, and pushing yourself to do thingsOnly to be thwarted.
- Just trying to get my medical stuff done.
- —Spent a few hours upstairs.Going to try and refill my tire with a bike pump.
- and ppl have to keep going back for more, because its only temporary.Just give me the GODAMN KETAMINE NOSESPRAY and let me try it.
- was feeling kinda ok this morning.now at latop trying to do things, but endlessly distracted by bullshit.
- feel that worthless vibe, just not with SUPER STRONG depression
- Also, suicide came on strong after nap.Guess subconscious trigger processing overdue bills
- Mostly debt, unemployment, homeless, divorce process, loneliness—no friends, poor—no resources even IF I wanted to try and make friends.
- Naps doneIm going to try and work on website and youtube
- I'll be trying my best to fight it off the rest of the night.
- The rest of us were like kids in bumper cards trying things, banging into each other until you learned how the bumper car always tilts to the left.....
- —Up awake.Depression and IdeationFull strength because Im going no where fast.
- Anyway nobody's paying attention to me today so I'll just say fuck it all.Tapping out is REALLY STRONG
- That, if consistent, would be more money than I've had since June 2023.K, I may try to go outside for a walk.
- going to try and do 20 min nap / meditation.
- Attention doesn't scale, no matter how hard we try.
- And past couple days I've been trying out Gemini too.
- About to go online and try distraction.Therapy is on Wednesday
- Far more impactful than I imagined.Trying to get anything done it like moving through a combination of cement shoes in quicksand trying to get to the other side still alive
- Also, even tho I've built bert.forsale I am going to try this and see what I get:
- However I learned a strong lesson about attachment to material things.
- but to hold on days, weeks, months, years or a lifetime.
- hola, trying to login to hostinger and its asking for a code it apparently is texting you.
- Trying to see if there is a staging site for trees
- let me try to get the code right now
- I'm trying to throw it into Google notebook LLM and then I can ask it all kinds of fucking questions
- Have a feeling she's trying to fuck me over.
- I have no idea how I've been able to survive this long
- I submitted remote form to court anyway.
- ah, trying to get into hostinger and running into auth code issues😊
- Mentally she's definitely moved on from me.I try to figure out from Declan, or Derick if she's dating or anything and nada, or she's hiding it well.
- got my LOSER vibe going strong right now
- I'm going to try and push on something so that the whole day doesn't fly by and I get nothing done when I am capable of doing something
- It doesnt want me to tap outIt wants to make me small and not bother others with my bullshitIll survive
- Just want to stare at the wall or floor.For whatever reason my depression decided to show up with a fucking fury and vengeance today.Not sure if I've ever felt it quite this strong.
- I want off the ride.And at this rate, that desire is getting stronger every minute
- and my disk degeneration is proceeding — pain is persistent and no amt of stretching sitting etc helps
- Awake for 2 hours so far and still fighting depression resistance to doing anything productive.Im just tired of this life Im inside of now.
- did you reset my email?It seems to want a code everytime I try to get in.
- Fighting TWICE as hard to get HALF the distance each day IS NOT CUTTING IT ANYMOREIM FUCKING TIRED.
- Dont even need to try, i know.
- Oh well.Anyhow, slept whole day away so far.Im planning same for tomorrow.Im going to sleep instead of sitting around in my head wanting to make it stop.Done fighting in order to pretend I'm ok.
- Still fighting.
- And my brain is off on some fucking parade, fight, anger, ragefest kicking my ass HARD in my head.
- And its impossible to stop.Believe me, Ive nearly dies trying
- I hadn't spoken to her in 37 years, since graduation, anyway we had been texting about me needing work.
- The economy is about to go in the fucking toilet they're gonna try to print money to pay down the debt and we're gonna turn into Argentina or some Third World country.
- well, I've been uncomfortable too long — I'm ready for a fight
- If you want an upbeat song that will work for the climate youre in, try some Seun Kuti:
- And my mind is trying hard to fuck me
- Because I've tried the flippant "oh I will just try to forget about this ever happened"approachCome back and hit you like a boomerang
- The recruitment/hiring industry is a mess trying to use AI and making it worse.
- And I was also trying to keep my crap off your plate because of Ironman focus.
- I've been trying to NOT bug you about it, but now i have Liz emailing and asking where it is.She's getting tired of this dragging out.
- It's like you've poured yourself into trying, again and again, and instead of being met with connection or momentum, you're met with more silence, more effort with no return.
- It feels existential.Like, "What's the point of being here, of trying, of caring...
- I see the pain, the clarity, the weariness, and the strength underneath it.
- I mean the raw, bleeding kind of strength it takes to still be here, typing these words, refusing to numb out completely.
- We kept trying to connect but didnt happen.
- I'm gonna head to the coffee shop shortly and try to be productive in some kind of way
- So theres no friends and honestly im not a friend person anyway.
- Anyway rambling hot wind not worth a 💩
- Anyway.
- Trying to avoid horoscopes and astrology.
- Keeps referencing things i wouldnt allow to happen if they were trying.
- Anyway, just another day in my head.
- I'll disappear one day and no one will find me until I'm gone.No human should endure or live with whats in my head.
- Channel Name."Holding on, Anyway"
- A name that feels worn but present — like something that's survived fire.
- Im trying to share the whole thread.
- Feel like I did in January sudenly.Its like a truck of gasoline got dumped on embers of a glowing fire Ive been fighting FOR YEARS.I feel defeated.
- The urge to make this a "throw my hand up" moment is very strong.I may just lie down and sleep.This sucks
- Holding on, Anyway
- This is the point where I try to avoid getting sucked down the toilet bowl with the feelings for the day.
- Im very self aware and attuned to my own peculiarities—trust me.Had to know them to survive my father.Anyhow...Still havent opened Lizs email.
- So despite my idea of staying away so no impact, it does impact my brain anyway.Go figure.
- If only I could provide a 60 second "being john malcovich" moment for others to feel my shitInto their bone marrow—Honestly wonder if someone could endure it that long.Maybe some understanding then
- then try to focus on something else.this is why I thought I was in another dimension.none of it made sense
- If I could have just enuf to live and survive Id be fine.I dont want or need a mansion and a yacht.Im apathetic now.
- Anyway, if theres anything Ive learned from this, is it will not end.
- I'm still focused on core beliefs, no self esteem, and no sense of self.That and trying to rest and that's hard because of the stress with the 4 horsemen of my apocolypse:1.
- —this article showed up in my face just now.I know what its trying to tell me.
- insanity I have to keep going on like this
- k, done trying to do stuff for now.
- Ill end up getting hit by a bus and dying couple days before the first treatment.That would be my fucking luck.Anyway...
- Try again tomorrow, cuz today is shit, and gone.
- Trying to force myself to get outside and not stay in the room all day
- —Need your help.I am trying to make: BeyondBoraBora staging live.
- ok, thanks!!Trying to stay away from triggers until Saturday so medicine can work its rewiring magic.
- I'm trying to work on some art ideas — that was my plan — but now I'm unsure what to do
- I'm not trying to take advantage of a soul.I'll go back in the carI dont give a shit.
- its not.once you do it u'll knowits like trying to tell you what "hot" is.Until your hand is in the flame, not happening
- you forget how strong the force is with me
- Anyway lots and lots of stories, with facts.Thinking coffee shop here.
- Im not trying to prove anything, simply sharing.simply sharing feelings and then having judgement and a feeling that I dont matter because nothing I share is significant.
- Figures because he's the most like me out of the three.I'll just simply try to wrap it up this way.I don't have a lot of patience left.
- If Id tapped out long ago I think of the amount of suffering that i would never endured.And for what exaclty???
- Living the same days hundreds and hundreds of timesSimply giving up trying or caring.
- —Strong desire to stay in basement all day.Why bother being out in a world that doesn't want me?Feeling societal rejection hard.
- Try it with headphones.
- Anyway I'm about to dive into some watercolor painting.
- And you'll do that day after day after day, until it kills you and when you're on that road that's what you want anyway
- Because it'd be far easier to end the suffering and sit around and continue to endure it, for what cause?
- my brain and body are exhauseted from fighting against my depression in order to keep me here.IT doesnt hit you until you let go of trying.
- Trying to publish a new episode of HOA tonight.
- She pushed me away, and I kept trying to get back inside
- Almost have next episode ready for Holding On Anyway.
- Flat like antidepressants make me.Anyway I'm feeling that writing u this shit isn't helpful.
- When I talked to him I felt something weird from him energy wise towards the end.I also nearly broke up trying to share a bit of what I've been doing and my life of pretty much nothing.
- I'm setting up a time to talk with them this week.They offered me another session to try again.
- While part of your gift may involve pattern recognition or intellectual strengths, another aspect is tied to mysterious forces at play that leave you confused.
- Fighting away the darkness is going to be exhausting.
- —Got it.would seem ur trying to take off about 2 hrs from now.Gives u time for pee breaksand maybe beat some bad traffic
- Have ur shit ready to run fast.Anyway, I'm slowly pulling in my efforts.
- Overall things are largely pointless and I find no joy or alternative to this persisting state.
- Fed up fighting myself every day trying to be "normal" or "fit in" or reframe so I can get an interview.
- Simply trying to cope with losing the unconditional love I THOUGHT I had.Makes u not want to bother anymore.
- Anyway it's fascinating to watch their reactions to the music and to hear their feedback and interpretations
- • A testament to your resilience and openness, even after what you've endured.⸻TL;DR:You saw the ouroboros.You named it.And in doing so, you cracked the loop — even just for a second.That's not small.
- Im working to let myself rest and heal WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY OR WRONG OR STUPIDIts hard to heal when thats what u get sitting still without trying.The "voice" is there to remind u ur shit.
- and I know the harder I hold onto that the more it hurtsI'm simply sick of waking up and doing this shit every daystill directionless, still feel very lost and NOT healed
- I think waiting around more than two years is patientI'm simply out of it nowSo I am resigned from trying to plug myself into society and capitalism
- Anyway, sitting around with so much to do and EVERY day i dont want to bother
- Assuming I get my chrome extension to the point where I feel it's ready for prime time I'm wondering if I could send you the plug-in and you can try it in chrome.
- My problem is if I "let it go" I literally don't care about ANYTHING at ALLI let go of it allI learned it to mentally survive my situation.Where my head is at right now
- This hits deep for me.Self Judgement of "not working/trying hard enuf""Not good enuf" core belief keeps me from everything.Clear as fucking day to me.Yet, here I am.
- Im excited to see her, without question, but see myself trying to read intentions
- Liked "I'll keep trying "
- Lmk when to try
- Ppl who havent lived it "might" get an idea, or I like to say "flava" of what it might be like.So "survive in the now"is currently transforming into"live in the now"
- Anyway, ill be on road by 9am est.
- And thats big.Anyhow, turn in rental tomorrow.Then I'm stuck.Tempted to ask Liz if she wants to keep going on divorce.
- "How to survive when no one wants to work with, hire, or buy something from you?"Thats what Im facing
- HeyImagine ur on way back to COStill unable to get the ground under my feetUnhappy Life mode is persistentUnsure I'll ever feel "settled" or comfortable here.
- Hola, hope ur wellHaving a damn time trying to ground myself here.I want to leave, or at least be in my own place.
- Reacted 👌 to "Stop trying for your own sanity.
- And a part of my brain cannot calm down and NOT be in fight or flight mode.Not hard to understand why I moved away.
- That's what my eight-year-old head was trying to figure out
- I believe you know you don't deserve this which is why you are fighting with it.