# Longing & Loss

*Motifs: not, left, lost, all, gone, know*

## Quotations
> Need to remind myself about how long I was yearning to be out of there doing something else.
> We won 2, lost 1.
> Liz is gone camping this week.
> One of the players on his team who has gone through this before was saying that these early games are more nerve-racking than the final game.
> Won 2, lost 2.
> Primary root cause for most of my misery, and the Missouri I extend outward, has to do with my lack of sleep, or very poor sleep
> Sorry to miss your call yesterday.
> First full day back to work after 3 weeks of hit/miss work.
> The smoke has largely gone the other way despite only being 30 miles away.
> I'm going about things like its no big deal, but I feel a sense of loss as I have been working with the team for nearly 5 years in total.
> I've not gone to see her in a long, long time.
> feels like a lost cause 😟
> Honestly I'm at a loss for the upside
> Don't remember a morning where I've not woken up and gone to worry, anxiety, shame in a long, long time.
> hours and hours of it after missing yesterday.
> Heard this morning that friends of ours, who used to live/work here at Thacher for 20+ years and left a couple years ago, that their 13 year old daughter committed suicide last night.
> I borrowed your left handed teeth brushing, which I find REALLY weird 😊
> what am I missing?
> I like top left one
> right off the bat I would make the navigation be on the right, logo on the left.
> oh and brushing teeth with left hand
> Have only missed a handful of days this month
> MR almost done, just meditation left.
> This past weekend Thacher boys soccer played in the CIF Division 7 state championships (I'm assistant coach) We lost on Saturday night 5-4.
> So 3 soccer games this past weekend, 2 big ones (1 win, 1 loss)
> he's lost 30 pounds and his getting very fit
> feels like you missed finishing the thought
> Liz is leaving for camping today for the rest of the end of the week.
> https://humanparts.medium.com/30-years-of-depression-gone-3dffafabc7cf
> would have lost lots of time I spent working on projects.
> Darragh‘s team made it to the final game and lost 10.
> She's not shown one sign of sadness or grief—and I think that part of what is throwing me so off.
> I've gone to bed since Monday at 2 AM 3 AM and 1:30 AM.
> Why would I fear people leaving me?
> and 10 years from now for me, they'll be gone—empty nest
> We have not left the house for los Angeles yet.
> 4-2 loss
> yes, fear of leaving us and being left all alone
> Liz left about two hours ago to go camping in the Eastern Sierra's with the students.
> Picture of me and Liz, our boys, her mom (next to Declan) and Liz's cousin Anne next to Aidan on the left.
> So if I follow that logic, you're saying is if I see things that aren't the way I want them to be that I need to put more of what I'm missing in the world
> It's good to have goals aspirations things to shoot for, but sometimes you miss.
> I miss that
> I need to be gone through and either pitch, or filed in someway.
> Had a realization yesterday that the time I have left here, or we have left here at Thacher is far less and the time we spent.
> Going to miss car payment
> We lost yesterday 3-1.
> 3 of their losses were winnable games and one tie they handed to another team.
> Hey, Declan had his first high school soccer game yesterday and they lost 3 to 2, which was a bummer.
> I'm at 24 days straight with over 1.5k minutes of total meditation (71 total days with missed days, etc.)
> The teacher said its completely normal for unknown crying and grief to surface.
> Again sorry for the loss.A 20-year-old cat just made me think of our old cat in New York named Jesse.
> Declan likes the online classes but I can tell he misses hanging with his friends in person.
> I know a local musician who lost his house and ALL of his giant instrument collection.
> Liked "Waves of sadness about the lives lost today and huge love as I look at the girls and gratitude for each day I get to be with them"
> Liked "I feel we keep ourselves chasing what isn't important and this keeps us so busy we have lost site of what is important and what we really want.
> Liz gave me the card on the left.
> Left it Outside a few years to weather.
> Also, did you ever send the info about the website(s) you needed me to look @??FYI - my workload has gone down @ A+L and looking for more work
> Also, now have a TV outside next to the dartboard.Only missing the pub grub now...
> Well, I'm severely depressed, lost my job, and my marriage is falling apart, but hey I got a smile on my face and life is fucking FANTASTIC!
> She never asked me if I was going, and only said hi to me before leaving to go.
> I've gone back through my mind and have unpacked nearly all of my shit.
> When they were 1, 4, and 7 I was left with them all for a week
> Sorry I missed you yesterday
> sorry to miss you.
> There is missing content on homepage4 which I've renamed.
> Missing headlines, etc.
> There is some missing content
> hiking in the hills and getting lost on the trails
> waves of fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, grief and despair.feeling awful, but if I remember correctly its just a feeling and hopefully it will pass
> Ok looks like I'll be heading out on the 16th.Boys game is 15th and I told Liz I don't want to miss that.I said could leave asap and be back for the game.
> more than 1/2 left
> You can't miss it.
> or wahooo, I misspelled 😊
> Good morning Hope the day is off to decent start.Sorry I did t strip the bed 😬Also, did I leave my big fat headphones there?Think I left them charging in the room
> Lost a lot early.
> Lost 7-1.Headed to 2nd game now.I'm ok.
> Liked "Laying low until it is gone for good"
> She's here.Said nothing to me.I did leave her a rose and a note before I left.
> No matter how smart you are, how much self clarity you have, and clearheaded miss about what's troubling you you still cannot get beyond it.
> Added areas of training experience- did I miss anything?
> Darragh lost 4-2
> Tough day of soccer.Darragh tied 2-2, but they should have won.Declan's team just lost 2-1😞
> I feel a lot different mentally than I did when I left.
> not as sharp, a bit slower, lost in thought, but like a senior citizen.
> moments of sharpness, but then lost at sea
> And sorry to miss connecting with you today.
> Leaving house at 5:30am😮
> The emotional 😭 pain right now is intense.I've not stopped crying since she dropped me off and left in the most awkward way.
> My life has never gone according to his plan.
> I woke up actually feeling little to no stress and inside of 60 seconds that was gone and now have a tension headache which I was dealing with all day yesterday.
> i miss the sun and nice weather.
> Hey sorry to miss u yesterday.
> Liked "Paint therapy- left handed"
> I lost access to all my personal passwords.
> Lost track
> Feeling lost, but not panicked
> feeling lost as sea and no one is looking for me
> I'm so fucking lost, I cannot believe this is happening
> Didn't know I had this much tears, grief and sadness in me
> parents arrive, are 4 hours late into LA and may miss pickup of their rental car in Oxnard because of it.And you know of good my father deals with inconvenience and sudden change of plans.
> Hey there, I just left the hospital visiting Sallie and she is doing much much better.
> I ran into Liz as I was leaving and this being the one year to the day of the happening and seeing her...Massively triggering
> Just pulled into driveway after visiting Sallie for a few hours today.Whole drive home been triggered about what feels like a year of my life gone by and nothings changed in my relationship with Liz.
> Longing for affection is a real nuisance
> I was gone 1/3 the year of the incident.
> Just want to make sure I didn't miss.
> OK, email has left the building.
> Stretching then bed.I feel forlornI feel lostI feel sadness
> I feel the need to look her straight in the eye and ask her if she wants me gone, a divorce, but a part of me is so afraid to ask because if she were to say yes...I don't know wtf I would do.
> Emailing.Clink on links in header, and email address, also button bottom left
> our chiro left town
> Hi, sorry I missed you.
> Going on a nice hike and then leaving Earth and never coming home is my preference right now.I'm sick of fighting myself inside my head all day every day.
> That would be the cleanest way.The irony is when I'm dead and gone suddenly they'll care and it might affect them emotionally, like they actually gave two shits.
> Today everyone walked out and left me behind.Nobody gives a shit.
> Leaving in 5 mins to eat and then to airport
> I'm leaving n the plane back to LA
> I just feel so incredibly lost in the middle of the ocean all by myself
> The feeling of not wanting to be here, and be gone keeps coming at me like sets of waves.
> The feeling of LOSS hits the pit of my stomach
> I said divorce out loud and lost it in front of her
> Oh, I'm not sure you recall from early on but she said before I left for Colorado that I would come back and we would regroup and talk with the counselor.
> Also I have lost all excitement about receiving the details of the offer on Monday.
> Lost in a sea of tears
> Here is said trail head coming in from the right and then going to the left and then up
> She finally came out and I tried to talk to her but she got her jacket and left.
> I've lost an incredible amount of body fluid through my eyes over the weekend
> I miss her love so very muchThe idea that she will never love me again strikes me at my core.
> once this is gone I get to play some darts and chill.
> Be gone 90 to 120 mins.
> and to think sometime in the future that thing will eventually rust and fall downlong after humans are gone
> Be gone for a few hours.
> feeling a bit uncertain and lost—best way to describe it.
> and I only have an hour left
> I reactivated the pop-up plug-in, I must've left it off
> She tried to talk back and down to me but I said excuse me I'm not your child which raised her eyebrowsAnd left it at that
> I remember her seeming far more pissed off when I came back from Colorado, and before I left for New York.
> She knew I was depressed but not that far gone.
> His brothers, who have both gone through multiple periods of depression, drug use incarceration the whole ball of wax.I also need to know right now she is the only one taking care of her mother.
> I had completely lost my ability to communicate pretty much anything with Liz because the energy of my severe depression and rejection frustration was palpable—it terrified her.
> I have stubborn gut fat I want gone.
> The students left campus today for spring break.
> I want to tell her that I find it incredibly sad that at some point during her life, she lost sight of what was important
> I've done a great deal to support your marriage, starting with taking care of your wonderful kids pretty much every time Liz left town.
> I haven't gone and done anything fun like that in forever.
> I found the dart league and got excited, but I haven't gone.
> We both believe we have legit reasons for leaving.However, I want to TRY changing how we interact and relate.Let's start there because there is no relationship between us right now.
> \That was the other takeaway from tonight, apparently I haven't given Liz enough time and space.I was GONE for 4 fucking months and didnt contact her at all.But yeah, I didnt give enough
> But its evidently clear to me that she's lost.
> I'm way more likely to fall into another deep hole of depression, except with no one around, no one will know and I can slowly slide out stage left
> Not so much because of the aloneness, rather what I might do to myself if left alone long enough in a state of being and living I have no interest in
> the vulnerable part of me yearns for true affection.Going on 5 years 😕
> Feeling lots of grief today
> Top left
> I can see some of my words are being miss interpreted.
> Liked "Luckily someone found it and left it in a fence po..."
> I'm glad I don't own a gun.I'd already be gone.
> I know if I move out it's a matter of time until someone finds me dead and gone.
> As one of my mentors from long ago, Jimmy Higgins, used to say, "Son, you got to USE IT OR LOST IT!"
> Not lost
> Also, the brain gave me a flash forward, so that when I'm leaving for the airport, my brain wants me to pretend that I'm leaving the house forever.
> All while feeling completely groundless and lost.
> More alone and feeling lost and groundless
> The "being on time" and not missing your transfer its what eats at me under my skin.
> It was interesting because she had a one on one with Liz while I was gone.
> I'll be gone, but I don't know when.
> Lost in my head for an hour.Trying to snap out of it now.
> I've gone beyond ideation and I'm planning.I've decided that's what I want to do.
> So fuck it .I only knew my grandmother, and knew no one else beyond my father so the idea of not knowing your grandparents personally, it's not anything new, or anything they'll miss.
> I don't need more reminders or proof that I've come to the end of a chapter and a cycle.And I'm totally content and happy to exit stage left.
> It's weird for me to say that I have gone beyond ideation into planning, but that's where I feel like my mind is in at the same time I'm a cool as a cucumber about it all.
> Sorry I missed
> The guys we played in the final today I played in the first round of the my first tournament and lost, but it was damn close.
> Just like the final was tonight.We literally lost by two darts .
> I'm missing time with someone I care deeply about.
> I have no self empathyI had it goodUntil I didn'tExcept I was I'llMind cancerOf depression Fogging thoughts 💭 Yet somehow that's lost And I'm to blame Or blame depression ?
> More deadlines and one meeting left.
> I'll be gone people feel sad for a little while and then in life goes on c'est la vie
> I would truly honestly be surprised if many people even fucking noticed if I was gone, so there is that
> Plus, I wouldn't leave them without leaving some kind of message, video, something.
> There's some thing about leaving this place and going to an apartment that makes me feel like I will never come out of it alive.
> If I move into an apartment, I'll be gone before July 3, which is the anniversary if wirst day in my life
> I don't want to be me I want to be done and gone.
> If I had the slightest bit of desirability left and B, my wife would acknowledge my humanness.
> I miss my guys being little ppl
> How did I get here?Are used to ask myself that question 20 years ago.OK crying now I miss her so much
> I get stuck a lot every day.My mind will start thinking of some thing and then it locks in suddenly half an hour is gone by for 45 minutesThat whole time I'm just zoned out.
> I broke down after she left.
> Failure 😣 Loss I'm in this space all the time.I'm exhausted 😩
> Soon enough, I will be gone and you won't have to deal with me anymore—just as you wished.
> I gotta say there are moments where I'm wondering why I haven't left already.
> When I snapped out of it, I thought maybe 10 minutes had gone by 15 at the most, but almost an hour ahead, and it was so not fun .
> No way back but thru leaving
> Emphasized "No way back but thru leaving "
> Wandering around like a lost soul by the ocean
> Feeling lostLike a sock...
> Lost love and life
> I JUST LOST MY JOB
> its on the left
> I miss her so damn much.
> I'm going to sit home alone yet another week of my life.I don't have many left to go so makes me feel like why the fuck botherPointless
> I would have been gone in 2014 if I had not turn the wheel
> My name left.
> just called and left a message
> DivorceMovingJob lossJust need cancer and a death in the family and I'll be five for five for life‘s biggest stressors.
> She wasn't in that headspace when I left
> Just started out on one of my last hikes here, only so many left
> my marriage lost what little job I had is lost, where I have lived for almost a quarter of a century, just too much loss to much rejection all at once.
> How fucking sad is that.I realize now after I've lost my marriage
> How's the day gone?
> What's left is hers
> I was gone all afternoon taking the boys to the dentist and just got back into Ojai
> To make sure nothing is missed and no errors
> K 4 left to update
> The untrained eye will see something missing.
> Hit or miss
> I've not gone over near the house.
> I have not gone this way before.
> 25mins left
> Leaving Cedar city.
> I just called these guys and left a message.
> It sounded like an older woman and left my number and was what I'm looking for.
> Leaving the Beaver 🦫
> Have about 20mins left to charge
> Just leaving green river right now
> I've got a little less than a half an hour left and then I'm topped on my battery.
> Grand Junction!!!25 miles left on the juice.
> Leaving Rifle, Colorado
> Anyhow, I'll be fine I just left the package store so rolling in to the house momentarily
> Liked "Just leaving Glenwood- be home in 30m"
> I saw this after I left
> You sense it's the dark force that's missing.
> Anything left to fix on Trees site?There were a few things, but I am unsure if you took care of them
> I'd miss the kids
> And scraping by isn't gonna cut it budget wise out there so I look forward to the prospect of missing my son‘s senior year of soccer.
> Sorry to miss that meeting.
> I also left my Athletic Greens and Kachava there by mistake.
> Im behind on car payments and they're "knocking on my door" Already borrowed 3k from my dad for bills and that's gone.
> my prospects of not being able to afford moving back to CA and missing soccer ⚽️ season 😒
> I'm now lost on what has to happen
> Hey there, Testing the formEverything is functional from what I can see so far.The confirmation message is lost as you can see in the screen cap.
> Tomorrow is a lost day sort of.
> Left me falling into the hole 🕳️
> I miss mr Farley
> I've changed a bit since leaving and it's getting more intense and interesting
> I have $242 left from Trees payment, and need 433.70 to make payment.
> At that moment, I could've completely lost my mind on him, but I didn't.
> No car, no job, no family, only thing left to give up is my life
> Whatever I have left back.
> I'll put what I have left back into the Account
> I had it all and I lost it
> right now I'm thinking of leaving maybe around 1 o'clock and get to you by say 5.I'm taking into account any chart, stopping and charging I'll have 2do on the way
> Leaving in next 20 mins
> Leaving now
> I realized I left my blueberry drink my yogurt and my two leftover pieces of pizza in the fridge so have at it.
> I would advise NOT dumping your entrepreneurial ambitions completely.You've created a great network I and many are envious of — DONT lost that!!
> I had left the address on there.
> The second thing that I lost this one on the descent.
> And when I can jump off a bunch of my shit to the storage place, it will be like I've gone from a twin bed to a king make that a California king.
> I just feel LOSS being here
> I'm going through all that same fucking emotions that I left here and I don't want them
> And I'm way more attuned to my heart than I've ever ever been so it hurts even more than it did before I left for the summer
> Yet I gave SO MUCH of ME to help her achieve a HUGE life goal.And I'm left on the curb.Make it make sense.
> Working on the "ageless" material I bought before leaving your place.
> Good morning.Getting hit With a wave of bad emotions and I hate it.dredging up all kinds of shit from the past, and rubbing my face in making me realize everything I lost
> Something that I have felt ever since I left here in June is a massive sense of loneliness.
> Just left campus after taking Declan and Darragh to Starbucks.
> And either I'm really super old and out of shape, OR I'm so fatigued from past two weeks I have no oomph left
> I actually woke up kind of slow and peaceful today.However, entering meditation just brings up everything that I lost.
> She left and that was that
> After taxes it's 7, then pay back bills down to 6, some spent x country, and another months of bills and spending on food since being here.Only a few thousand dollars left
> Realizing that I may never feel deeply rooted happiness in my life and it's quite sad to me.I had it all and lost it, but while I did I was incapable of feeling it because of my mental illness
> "Leaving the past behind"
> She's " leaving it behind " not me
> Have 2500 left and need to be frugal
> Hi, awake for a bit.I won't lie waking up on the street is triggering makes me feel like shitIts very depressingThe feeling of "Ive lost at life is all over you"
> Meeting new people is fine, but I already know that finding someone new is a lost cause for me.
> I did not look back up as she left.
> Hustle over to UPS and I have 10 minutes left.
> What life has felt like since I heard the word divorce and lost my job
> Good morning Got paid and car pmt hit.I have $65 left to live off of for a week.Good times 👍😁
> Just brainstorming ideas for making money.CCs maxed 💳$1 left ( literally ) in my wallet.And I've tapped out my parents.
> I just got paid from UPS, and then fucking Wells Fargo takes $105 from me leaving me with 75 bucks to live on fucking fuck
> Have a draft text toSend Liz's way Could you read it?—I'm sorry I never texted or called you to see how were doing when I left for Colorado and New York.
> You filled your days so there was nothing left to give.You had no curiosity about what was going on with me.Actually you did, but didn't ask me.
> I want to be gone from Earth 🌍 I hate everything right
> Only thing left to lose is my life
> Text is missing on mobile.
> Not much left after soccer
> The fact I've not gone mental, in a bottle or at the end of a gun is a sign of how stubborn I am.
> Telling them of my situation of sleeping in my car since October and having nothing left to live on— and rejections to the rooftops.Anyhow.
> So we have one game left in the tiebreaker it's one to one.
> You're likely leaving good candidates out of intervies.Thank you for your time and effort on my behalf and your kindness.Be well,Bert--Bert MahoneySoftware Designermailto:hello@bertmahoney.com
> I just went to the house to pick up mail and I completely lost my shit.
> At a loss
> I'm sorry I missed you.
> I knew I was missing shit and it was getting by me.
> Building a life I love from the life I lost.Fell into my head
> And for a second time it Bounced out AGAIN!!!we ended up in the tiebreaker and lost the entire match
> So once you drop off early from a dash, that time is "on the market" and people can instantly take whatever time they want that's left
> So, like me, by time I got back in only one hour from 3.5Is left
> Most applications will score poorly overall.—GoalsDiscover if any applications miss on one or more of the heuristic principles.Discover if each application supports heuristics.
> My team lost at darts 🎯 last night, sucked
> If I had my touch when I left last May I d be top 15Instead I'm bottom 10
> Those who understand its trappings can release grief and lessen their fears.
> Would love your feedback on it if possible.What seems right, what's missing?
> The list on the left is the MVP site map that is inside documentation and a product of competitive research.
> Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.
> 15 miles left
> To feel loss and rejected this deeply by so many...Fucks with u hard
> You'll need to play around with it a bit, but you'll get it.Viewport options down the left, toggle on/off...To then see them appear on the right side — the render area.
> I am just this is my life I am just fucking lost in just want to not be alive anymore Wanna go away and not deal with this.
> Good thing I don't have a gun right now cause I'd be goneThe vibe is that intense right now, but I've been here beforeI'll ride this out to only suffer more.
> Should have filed for divorce right when I left.
> Can't turn left
> No loss of car juice (have a gripe with charging company going on) and no loss of money going down to Ventura and spending on anything.So, I'll stay here.
> I'm too lost and too tired to know.Besides I'm a real bummer to be around.
> Lost and losing.K, parked on a street in Ventura and going to sleep now
> Btw I miss Jenica like crazy
> This makes three or four in a row., I can't remember I lost count.
> Over the course of a year I've missed out on a lot
> Just left VCBC and headed to the bar where we play.
> I'm glad I don't have a gun cause I already be gone.
> Have you gone out at night and looked for the aurora borealis?
> Makes me remember how much I miss Jenica.
> I left the store.
> Doesn't matter my dash ended at 4:30 so my window is gone.
> I would've just gone right at them and not even said anything and just started pounding on them.
> And I've lost almost every filter, keeping things from coming out of my mouth
> Have lost both matches tonight.
> We lost by one dart
> Better off goneNo more frustration and mental suffering from a life I was forced into
> Probably missed parents it's after 10pm.
> Sometimes I wish I had gone down the music rabbit hole rather than the Computer rabbit hole.
> Not only your dreams but everything you got might be gone tooThat's how it hits
> I just know that my daily existence for this past year hurts because I have no memories of the year and have lost a lot of time.I discovered that there are huge parts of my life.
> So well, I may have left a great life raising my kids.
> I keep thinking about going to Darragh‘s graduation and the predominant thought is I will not be able to take my mind off of sitting in the knowledge and awareness of all that I've lost.
> All can I not think that How much I lost.
> Spent the money last night on food and money all gone poof
> 20 minutes left in a 2 hour block and I've gotten no deliveries.
> 15 mins left.
> And that's gone.
> I tried to extend my dash but there's no slots left and my dash ends in one minute this sucks.
> Good morning Woke up sad again.All I have left in me is sadness
> The path diverged I went left
> I miss her.I fell for her hard.
> It's never leaving, the pain of my life.
> I'm just sort of staring off into space blindly numb disconnected lost
> I just left Starbucks.
> One I have no idea how much battery I will have left, and two I don't know if what battery I have left.
> I've got 39 miles on left on my battery
> I've lost an entire fucking year of my life
> And I have a somewhat obscure question.I am literally missing one onyx bead from my mala.
> I'm missing.
> I also just discovered that I missed the end of the year dart party.
> Huge tournament brisket tons of people tons of fun.I missed it.
> Just found out I missed 2, TWO dart tournaments this past weekend with everyone from the league.
> I did confirm that I missed two dart tournaments this weekend
> I imagine it will be next Tuesday after everyone's gone and graduation is over.
> But the idea of moving forward with grief and loss, VS moving on...Wow.
> I want to text Jenica badly.I miss her dearly.But my situation hasn't changed.
> You haven't lost everything you don't know what this feels like
> The sword is stuck in my chest and somebody is turning it left and right it fucking hurts.
> Second question which is a bit more urgent there is a dark tournament the first Sunday of the month buy in tournament that only happens once a month and I missed last month.
> I actually just left the hotel after talking with them.
> Parents left.
> I left long ago
> Anyhow, going to go into software and get lost in dragging lines all over the place.
> its in the 80s now after parents left.
> Different world." And before I could retort she stepped through the door and gone.I wanted to share that I'm getting paid too, but then thought wait not really.
> Dude, I'm crying right now because I missed a phone call from a recruiter on May 15 for something I applied for it was with Deloitte and they needed a UXUI person.
> Ok i'm leaving this brewery.
> I miss her terribly
> I've gone down a rabbit hole and have coded my own application that runs on my laptop that turns my text into an audio file of a voice reading.
> I really miss her
> Been up since 5:30 amFeeling a lot of anxiety Not feeling well today at all.I miss my connection to her badly.
> The last thing I had was Jenica and she's gone.
> It's a business plan phone and I can't switch it until it's paid, and I guess if she doesn't pay then I lose my phone so if you can't get a hold of me by the phone tomorrow, you know I lost my line
> And if you can't get a hold of me because I lost my phone, I'll let you know.
> And then Sherry tells me dude you're too angry blah blah blahAgain I nearly lost my mind because I feel angry and I feel it that it's justified.Please tell me if I'm wrong you know I will hear it
> Only got about 10 minutes left and haven't gotten any orders.
> Within 20 minutes, Ventura is gone or less.
> It's just there every day now, that showed up this weekend and has never gone away
> I miss you.
> Aidan's already gone and kicked on the curtain after fucking giving my life for that woman to do that race.
> I'm not sure how much I got left in meFor real.
> I haven't been online since around Friday at noon.Right around then my head started to spiral and I lost the rest of the day.
> They left my plan, and mine is a business plan for 200mo
> I know she texted she didn't "really" want to be in contact.We left it as friends and I started texting her like a friend and I think that made it harder for her So...
> Left my card unlocked so car payment could go through.Going to cry.That's all my money to live NOW, gone.
> Then about 30 mins left
> Fuck have 20 miles left
> So the money I made on my last cash is gone.
> Potentially true because I Would have left before he asked me.
> Paragraph it's just impossible to convey the sense of loss and loneliness that I have.
> I'm never going to shake this feeling and way of thinkingThe overwhelm of rejection and loss.
> I feel light.there is knowing that I've now forked off onto another path; she's not in it.I no longer have that gnawing sense that I'm missing out.
> When you in my situation, there's a certain point where you lose thatToo many days in a row of lost hope.
> I miss being a family man
> I know she's distracted by her mom (and I dont get any of whatever Sallie left her because that happened after our separation)
> Meanwhile, time moves on, and I'm just so disconnected from everybody and everything.I have a giant feeling I just being left behind
> for some reason, I've been sitting here and I've missed four orders, four deliveries.
> I only have 10 minutes left in my window.
> I missed out.
> Hold what you have lightly, and when it is gone, be grateful."
> And would rather be left alone
> This companionship, I miss having somebody to hang out with.
> That's where I got lost so I just didn't share anything because everything I had to share was related to me not feeling good.
> Missing 4
> Was pushing myself so hard since parents left.
> Honestly, I don't know at this pointlosing or have lost my capacity for creative thinking simply because fatigue, stress, and pressure
> I just really have nothing left
> I missed Sunday's tournament because I couldn't afford it either.
> And that's because of paperworkNot having a mailing address makes me get everything mailed to me a month late so I miss every deadline they sent to me.
> I've called in and left messages and yeah, I'm just stuck in bureaucracy.
> I'm quite certain no matter what I do it won't change my perspective that I had it and lost it all.I'm just too fucking tired.
> Missing out on our talk about energy market
> I have 7 days of hosting left.
> I'll need to spend at least 10 bucks to eat and then I'm left with 10 bucks
> I did mention in my note that I'm invoicing for the last bit because I've gone over the estimate but that's on me.
> feeling really lost
> it will be really sad if I miss out on this job because of that
> i've completely lost the entire evening from this and there is no fucking way.
> there was a moment today where I would've gone and sat on the beach for hours on end and just sat there in my head thinking of nothing
> been going nonstop since 630 and haven't stopped to take any kind of fucking breakGonna stop dashing at 2 o'clock and start back up at four because I don't want to miss the 730 to 930 window.
> Why is it when I could actually have fun with other people I can't.I have zero social life so to miss that really sucks
> i'm dashing until 630 then I'm going to charge my car because I'm at about 30 miles left so I can be ready for 730 to 930.
> The only thing I have left to do is to give up and check out because I'm really done pushing this fucking rock up the hill
> ok, 11am Friday and finally have the stress set aside — not gone mind you — just off my lap and set next to me.Stress is like a 900lb french bulldog that likes to sit in my lap.
> His wife was already gone on her business trip, Elie the dog is super cute and totally a lover.
> I miss George
> this is undoubtedly HER LOSS
> I'm working to reestablish my identity as Bert, not husband, father, or coach.I lost him along the way.
> I know in my soul that who I was for my boys and her.I showed up for them all, all the time.And sadly lost me.
> Was really really good to tell her all that's gone on.
> Realizing how much I've been missing out on life all this time White knuckled living prevents joy from showing up
> I have 5 days left on depression meds then cold turkey.I've taken action and have to wait now.
> I've got five days of it left and I'm hoping I can get a refill.
> A "their loss" moment
> I somehow found Medi-Cal pharmacy online and I'm chatting with an agent to figure out how to get a prescription refill because I only have four days left on one
> Still waiting for payment.Have 2 days left on one of my 3 depression meds.I can't get a refill.I'm not with Cerebral anymore, they were costing $85 a month so had to cancel.
> My mind was lost long ago.
> And as I was leaving campus, Aidan drives by me.
> I'll get some extreme left, leaning lesbian that hates men for my judge
> Lost
> I left that all behind once I got online — sad actually.
> Feeling super lost right now.Done practicing darts.
> Thought just came to mind, if I had any courage, I'd already be gone
> maybe I'm just meant to not be happy.maybe the best has passedmaybe as good as it gets has come and gone
> all lost
> Lost in my anxiety and depression 24/7 without even knowing it — it was my baseline ‘normal' and I just kept accepting less and less from Liz.
> So lost.
> I mean, that's probably something I miss the most is just eating halfway decent food.
> Lost a $20 bill I had
> Reinforced with the thinking this morning of not being good enough to have a gig and missed out on being with an AMAZING woman.Fuck I'm crying again after writing that.
> Get out of the car at Darts and look down and see this and go wow that looks a lot like the headphone I've been missing all week.
> Its like I've lost "shock value"Like Jane's Addiction, "Nothing's Shocking"
> I've lost the ability to play this societies song and dance game.
> I'm not crazy, at least yet, but the entirety of my situation is sitting fully square on my shoulders today.Its hard to turn my head left or right because.
> I'm not sure if there's literally something missing in my brain that won't let me hold onto these lessons because I should not be beating myself up over this shit for as long as I have
> Only day off in forever and I lost Platinum level.
> It's in one sense totally tragic, but in the same breath if I could flip a switch and live at least time I have left different way it would be nice
> Only mention it because I'm feeling the benefit of not missing a day.Yesterday was first day in a long while where I didnt have at least one cry/breakdown.
> Let the grief be there be present to it.
> Might miss the end
> Walking around downtown feeling lost.
> I have 23 miles left on the car no way to DoorDash and no way to recharge.Totally fucked
> And I suspect also since her best friend Joanna has gone through this process she may already have contact with a lawyer who specializes in this.
> And it's weird for me to think that Nat and Sallie are gone
> My anxiety is going through the roof right now and I'm not sure why other than my car has 18 miles of battery left
> Still alone, lost, and outcast.Same shit, for another day.I'm so done with this
> He has a process for you to discover "lost time" and find ways to automate and eliminate alot off your calendar.Be sure to check for it, worth a scan for sure.
> I've lost hope.
> I have zero personal resources, I have $8 in my pocket right now.If insurance is lost, I'll be on the street.
> It's hard to do basic self-care because I don't want to; because why bother?There is no future, hope, or optimism—I've lost all that; you lose it.
> I've gone through so much trying to get to where I am and get some semblance of valance that I haven't had in a long time
> right now I'm stuck with 17 miles left in my battery and I am waiting in line 2nd car deep waiting for a charger I have my dash unpause but that only lasts for 30 minutes and then they kick you out.
> 40 mins left$25 shy
> I've got 15 minutes left Need the $25
> I'm so exhausted I have no energy left I'm in Ojai and now headed back to Ventura to go to sleep
> If you miss a day you gotta make up those 3 to 4 on some other day so the more days you miss The more you gotta do each day spread out overtime if that makes any damn sense at all.
> I think I did it one point but I lost my fucking way
> I'm not time traveling but I can't deny the fact that all the shit I've gone through is put me in where I am right now.
> I never see what is there what is good I just see what's missing, Broken, a skew or out of place
> I've got 20 minutes left in this dash to the bottom of the hour.
> Leaving the house 20 mins ago I felt like things were stable for a few days.
> Totally depressed.Summer is gone at the end of the week and that makes two summers I'll never get back
> its easy to think of things when you've had your basic needs met and haven't gone without.
> 30mins left in dash of venturaThen up to ojai to start at 4pmIts 82 down here.
> I am not putting up with what I feel is abuse towards me.Those days are long fucking gone
> Missing nearly entire bottom.From Green DownFor almost 18 months.If that is not some kind of fucking shade of torture when you throw my depression and all the other bullshit like divorce in there.
> I just need to get it through my head that she left me because of money.Real love doesn't care about money, it finds a wayOr am I wrong?
> I also just called elizabeth and left a voicemail and said that I was on campus picking up my mail and that Aidan was being weird and that I need her to call me
> I left her a note with that saying filing those papers was the hardest goddamn thing I've ever had to do because I don't want it.
> I left a voicemail with Elizabeth asking her to call me and I didn't give her any details.
> I also left sent her a text message that said please listen to your voicemail
> Overwhelming feeling of being lost and cast off
> I just left the storage place after sitting staring at the cement for two hours.
> What I left today was the response paperwork.A part of me still doesn't want this.
> didn't see it till just now, look at the top above my head.No dollars no sense.10% left.And a help button on top of my phone at the bottom.
> I miss her so intensely.I want to feel her love again.Something is telling me not to give up on her.
> Last I recall you said, "let me talk to everyone." And that's where I left it because I had to drive myself crazy with some story or bullshit.
> shes awesome, but lost in her story
> Lost 2 days of work.
> I've spent more than half of my life with you and leaving you without understanding why really hurts😭😭😭You said in the email you want to be amicable.
> I've almost made it to three hours of being awake and haven't lost my shit yet so it's starting out OK I'd like to keep it this way.
> Just left storage112° here
> feeling lost and hard to focus in any direction
> Feeling really stuck in mud today.I miss having a partner.
> Had one for so long its something I miss ( and mine wasnt very affectionate )
> Drove across town after soending $20 charging and they left before i got here.Want a beer to be a patron and shoot.
> I feel weird walking in using the boards and leaving.I have $6Beers are 8 :-(Sux.
> Done deal I'd already be gone
> K Leaving surfers Point I have some nice photos of sunset from out at the end of Ventura pier.
> I showed up to Play and everybody was gone
> I've already lost 10 or 15 pounds
> Gone
> I SIMPLY LOST AT LIFE
> You can come help me pick it out because you know the area and I know you guys have gone and looked at a bunch of places before so you know what the deal is out there
> Please call me I left you a voicemail I have a really tough decision to make and I don't know what to do
> Another great start to the day...I dont want to fucking be here!I lost count how many mornings I think that because its every morning now.
> I spend all day, everyday, hundreds of them ALONE, physically and mentally CUT OFF from others and society.Its not like Im going to miss much, other than suffering more.
> Lost my Yankees hat tooCant find it
> 3 hrs dash left 4 today
> Left it there last night from dartsMiddle of last DashGot a $15 delivery 🙏
> I am hopeful that the one hour of dashing I have left today will get me perhaps two orders for 10 bucks each and then I have enough to get me runway to wake up back in this mess tomorrow morning
> But I'm missingsome things.
> -Also noticing my startle response has gone down exponentially
> —I have to keep moving and not get lost in my head with wishful or magical thinking.
> That bad acid left me fucked up.Did it put my brain on some kind of pathway?
> Sometimes I get lost in my head
> lost my way
> I have battery to get it recharged.I may drive over to beach and get a 2 mile walk in.Finding my left leg is giving me trouble.
> —Incredibly lost in my head todayLiminal spaces
> Declan has gone up and checked and does not see it in the package room nor does he see it in the mail room.
> And I'm leaving Ventura so I won't be near the supercheap supermarket
> 27 miles left on battery
> About to drive I missed I missed last night I don't wanna be late for him tonight
> I'm leaving Poseidon now so I'm in Ventura and will likely stay by the Starbucks I hang out at and will Updates as I can access Wi-Fi
> —overwhelming sense of being in a tiny boat lost in the middle of the Pacific.I can see bad weather on the horizon but can't tell if its coming my way.
> I left my coffee and phone on a 2 seat table and went outside to get my computer and big battery.When I came back in a woman was just about to sit at the table I had my stuff.
> I got away from art — my idea of art - when I got my hand on a mouse for a paycheck.I can still see the world the way I did when I was a college art student, but I lost it, like the rest of myself.
> So 9 days to prep for leaving here.
> —My email to Jenica has left the building.Sherry was very moved by it.
> —and just in case you don't read all these threads I'm feeling my feeling right now is that Sam is gone another way 10 days I would've heard something by now
> I have a California family lawyer tuned language model through open AI that I got access to before I lost my subscription
> —BTW, I lost faith along time ago.
> —Just made a mistake on a website and lost alot of work and have to recode it by hand.
> And to add to all of it I got to sit waiting to make a left turn onto the major road out of Starbucks and had to wait while Elizabeth turned in in her jeep.
> 35 miles left on my car and still have some more miles to go to get where I want to be.
> Have had months of those days over course of the yearJust gone.
> leaving starbucks.headed to storage.
> I'm not leaving California.
> Still dont know about leaving here
> —I said it years ago the thought is never left my mind and I will say it again BetterOffDead
> —I thought I was leaving hereNow I realize its where Im going to die
> Once that is done there is nothing stopping me from leaving here other than saying goodbye to the boys
> People post in the morning and sometimes things are gone before noon
> Im selling some stuff and am paying Declan to help me get it gone.
> It's simply because everybody's lived their life for the past year and a half in my year my life's been lost
> That would be really funny for one day, and then the next day it would be so depressing that I'd be gone within 48 hours
> Officially hitting the road right now leaving Mesquite Nevada next stop is in Utah
> After that I'm kind of at a loss it has to be battery or some other shit that I can't tell
> Take my 36 miles and go drive out into the middle of the desert nowhere and just fucking be gone
> I'd have to park in Walmart and stay there the entire time and not move the car because I can't burn more battery I have about 20 miles left.
> It says it has 17 miles left on the battery and if I drive it one more time it's gonna be stuck wherever I am
> Its not the one behind Target, However I did ask for a location that will have someone there to me to check in with instead of just leaving it there with no one to confirm.
> Ur mom just left on her hour walk with her friend across the way
> —I think I left my bread at your house
> Thats whats playing out now...Although not sleeping in my car and hustling to stay malnourished I dont miss, my head and thoughts arent moving.Im really fed up with being alive.
> Felt shut out so I left.Now sitting alone in the carFiguring out where to go.
> —Weird times in Target.Fucked up attitude towards buying anything over $2Spent an hour walking around feeling lost, alone, and isolated.
> Amazon has lost my meds
> feel like "whatever"Feels more burdensome to try and do things you enjoy only to find yourself in a deeply confusing and unsettled place.When your go tos are gone
> —Where 2 go when the go 2s are gone?—
> so much to doso little time and another week goes byI have roughly 1,000 weeks of life left — gets me to 75I've watch over 100 WEEKS go by inside this.
> Pluto has entered Aquarius and left Capricorn.Wont be back for 230 years.Last time Earth and Pluto were in Aquarius was during American and French Revolution.Less than 2 mins.
> Honestly not looking forward to holidays — all a painful reminder of what I lost.
> I took that to heart so intensely that I lost myself and was no longer "seen" as well by hiding, stepping back, and other mouse like activities
> That may be the thing that just pushes me over the edgeNot sure i can handle more loss
> Feeling lost as hell todayNo feeling good
> So I'm left with trust myself, or just do what everyone is telling me to do.
> One hour of dash from 6-7pmWorked on rebuilding my poster art I lost.Finished Depression and Ideation posters, and started Liminal
> Anyhow, alive but not living by any stretch of imagination.Very "lost at sea" feeling with no land in sight
> —Feeling lost and depressed this am.
> I would subconsciously take it as a defeat, loss, living up to expected ‘less than' expectations — the old way of being.
> Never mind the loss of the soul.
> Anhedonia, Loneliness, Grief and tears are all here today.
> thing is I missed a 30% off offer for making a store so I could buy a sample or two to see what they look like.
> And I lost all my data
> lost access to spotify.
> Already missed morning run.Only thing I can do is work on my websites and pray I guess.
> I may have actually lost money.
> Feel like I missed a train or a message somewhere.Liz's email has an attitude that I'm going to ask be stopped.
> Lost your signal
> lost you totally
> Imagine its bedlam at your house.Quieter than an empty church over here.Weird morning.Struggling.Sent boys a short christmas greeting on video and lost it a bit at the end.It just hurts deep.
> I've gone thru alot with the car and I'm psychologically and emotionally attached to it.It's my "boat" or vessel that kept me afloat for a year on california.It will hit me very, very hard.
> go walk around the ponds and mourn the loss of Matilda.That car did SO MUCH for me.
> Left it because I figured I'd not be where I am an already found a way to uhaul my shit back here
> https://bert.forsale/a-couple-hours-left-of-mental-health-2024/
> Also, when I left ur moms this morning she was adamant with me about letting her know when I'm ready to ‘Check In" up in Ft.Somewhere.I can't just dump myself in there.
> U tell me...You want to do this?!?Im pretty sure an MVP product out there will prove validity.Remember, you miss 100% of the chances u dont take.😁
> —This really sucks.I was actually feeling what I would consider "ok" for like only the second day since September.thats all gone now
> —Feeling lost and unsure where to even start.
> Luca, left, and Miss Pearl.Also met "Lindberg" named after the pilot.
> No wonder I have lost hope and optimism
> WowUr not okORu lost ur phone
> Only 3 months leftFeeling fucked in general right now and cant shake itToo many partsNot enough brain that can dealSimply feel burned outLike a rusty hollow shell
> Day 4 of basement dwelling.Have not interfaced with any other human beings other than your mother since leaving the hospital last Thursday.Isolation and Loneliness are HUGE right now.
> And then everyone can look around puzzled wondering why the fuck it happened, and beat themselves up for not doing something before Im gone.
> Over 600 days, 609 presisely, since I lost my job and moved in the car.Thats87 weeksor20 months--ITS A PRISON SENTENCE
> Having a good cry and screaming my fucking lungs out into a towelThe thought of leaving this earth without ever living without depression just came behind and it's just so fucking sad
> Will they really miss me?Beyond the initial grief Ill be a footnote
> --I've resigned all will to be here.My life has gone, and keeps going, nowhere at the speed of light.Over 600 days of black hole deep depression, and sadness.
> The world has lost a great artist.
> Pushing more social media out for awareness.Setup Patreon.Get it on the site.Post to my Instagram about new art and mission along with patreon.
> The rest of us were like kids in bumper cards trying things, banging into each other until you learned how the bumper car always tilts to the left.....
> I discover an artist recently who i LOVE, but what I found is 10-15 years old.My point is — the years I was BUSY raising three boys, 2006-2018, I missed SO MUCH.You're there right now.
> I lost employement through no fault of my own.
> It's not having transportation that's the mindfuck.When the car is literally gone it's gonna fuck me up and I know it
> today has been another lost day
> -Woke up feeling lost, and sad.Everything feels incredibly pointless today.Staring at the floor.
> My life has already happenedMy "as good as it gets" has already come and gone.I have felt that for over a year nowJust havent shared it
> Thoroughly convinced i have no hope of ever feeling happy and content for even 24 hours in whatever time I have left.Im just done here.Thats how I feel
> Like i dont exist.Ive lost the whining and crying about depression it seems.
> Granted it's been a very heavy period of depression for me leaving California.
> Just leaving Tree's house I am helping update her website
> "Always focusing on what gets lost instead of what gets gained by doing what is right for you.
> leaving that up to her, but I said this will go faster than ping-pong email
> have alot to do, but feel lost
> Liked "Leaving now "
> first episode is "Shock of Loss"I already have the script, recording tonight, edit and publish tomorrow.These are each 3-5 min long episodes.
> been working on it since you left.
> You sure you left Longmont ?!?
> almost 50 views on "Shock of Job Loss"I have the next one ready to go, just finishing the mastering.
> In my case I'm well aware that it exists, and my sadness stems from the uncertainty of knowing whether or not I've ever left the water.
> Picking up where I left off yesterday.Headache, bodyaches, and generally depressed.Looking forward to driving - not
> Likely they'll get the prescription there after I've already left town and then I'm just fucked until I get back here Sunday
> I left it over an hour ago
> Left about 10 mins ago
> Besides, I haven't thrown darts since leaving Ventura.
> I know I've lost my touch and control that took me a year to get back.
> Im a confident sleeper.Ive been psychologically crushed to non existence.im here, but lost in the hallways of the mind
> They also describe falling into a deep depression after feeling lost.Anxiety and Stress: The person frequently expresses feelings of stress and anxiety.
> Half the day gone.
> Completely bulletproof.Likely get up if hit by missle, or landmine.You'll have soldiers operating robots remotely.
> Sooner im dead and gone from this existense the better
> Ive lost years 😭
> Ive lost my throw.
> I left.
> GmNot a great start today.Missed my therapy appt.
> Trump just launched economic nuclear missiles.Abstractly we are at economic war with the entire fucking planet right now
> Yeah I know I've had irregular sleep patterns and it definitely contributes to the easiness with which depression will come on.Bad sleep equals leaving the barn door open
> No one that is non-family.I'm highly aware, and its weird to have been here 6 months, 1/2 a year, and I've not gone out in the evening anywhere for anything—0 nightlife experience.
> They will be equal beneficiaries of whatever I have in sum, left on this Earth.Let me know your response when able.
> I lost that a few years back and unsure if it will ever come back.Sad.
> If the S+P 500 fall more than 4% Monday, it will be the worst 3 day loss since the great depression.Happy Days are here again!
> I've never lost a parent so I'm not quite sure what things will be dredged up but I feel like I've got the right tool kit to deal with it when the time comes.
> I'm carrying it.Because if I did tap out, people would be left with so many questions as to why?And they would have to face the shame and guilt head on.
> Sadly I believe I'll miss the chances and stay stuck.
> Another day evaporating with only the residue of sadness left behind.
> They will be equal beneficiaries of whatever I have in sum, left on this Earth when I'm out.Let me know your response when you are able.Be well.
> Want to make it bloodless so not a mess to clean up.Interesting, that's planning.Never gone there before.
> If I had committed suicide 2 years ago guess what I would have missed????2 years of living in hell.Not much else.Didn't miss anything amazing happening in my life.
> Full breakdown now.My day is gone.
> I'll disappear one day and no one will find me until I'm gone.No human should endure or live with whats in my head.
> • North – A guiding voice when everything feels lost.
> I would have never left Wfd if I bought into not good enuf, but ironically despite it all, I continue to tell myself Im not good enuf.Class A, mindfuck.
> came back online after I packed my bag and left coffee shop
> It makes moving on far easier, in knowing opportunity isnt being left behind
> My ex-in laws.She left a message asking me for Joanna Evans' contact information.
> Just awake.Deciding if I want to even get out of bed today.I may sleepNo reason in getting up other than feeling like shit all day.DepressedDiscouagedAnd Alone Day number, i lost count
> Grief comes in waves.
> And the main one hit when I left Florida.
> And not knowing what to do.Lost, as I have been for over 5 years
> I havent lost interest in keeping at it either — common thing for me.Be excited to start a project — then fizzle out.
> feeling empty and lost.
> Try again tomorrow, cuz today is shit, and gone.
> Back in basement.Lost my shit, cant keep it together.Thought Id experienced maximum unhappiness, but noNew levels now.
> its one of the places you suggested long ago and hadnt gone yet
> I left to go help Don sell his knee scooter to some person who contacted him.I went over to the house, waited and took care of the sale for Don.Then I left and went to the market.
> The only thing missing was the punch in the face.total flashback for me
> This simply breaks my heart moreFeel more deeply depressed thinking about all the joy I missed out on
> When all you want is to not be here and the only option is to be here, I'm not left with many options
> Although the past is gone, we spend so much time there in our minds.
> Figures because he's the most like me out of the three.I'll just simply try to wrap it up this way.I don't have a lot of patience left.
> —Feel lost and dont know who I am at 56Wtaf?!?
> Liked "Definitely relate to last statement Soon to be 57, feeling lost and don't know who I am.
> Feels like wind is gone from my sails.Was feeling tiny bit motivated.to get back to working on videos and art.
> Getting left calf worked on.
> Got some important perspective and awareness reminders from Amaya.Got injection in left calf also to close some small varicose.
> I had it, lost it, and drained of wanting life in the process.Good times.Go to NY and dissapear into the Adirondacks.
> Legs and brain.Anyhow wanted to let you know.Feeling a bit lost as the day gets on.
> —Primarily feeling lost, alone, and abandoned by my family.
> My "family" has gone on without me living together as if nothing has changed in their lives
> GmU were going to let me know what time today u could talk Lizs email.Just got upFeeling lost and discarded
> Feeling failure and loss Incredibly heavy todayTired of being alive...Again, for 700+ days in a row
> Talked to Declan tonight.Was nice except it makes me realize all Im missing by not being there.
> So I essentially lost out on a wide variety of opportunities, activities, and things in general because of my assumption of no, and the history I already had with him.
> at 13 he punched me in the face for being late getting home from sleddingAnd by 16 i was set in "getting the fuck out of here"And I couldn't have gone further unless I moved to Hawaii
> They will perceive you as a loser even when they silently yearn to join you."Truth.
> Just left emptyhabded
> Havent missed a day so far.It's interesting to observe how distracted I am in my meditation practice lately
> Leaving coffee shop3 hrs of public exposure is all I got todayFeeling depressed from going/being out.The summertime "everyone else gets to enjoy summer" but u vibe.
> Have been breaking down all day.Tears, sadness, GRIEF like omfgI thought all this shit was out of mePast 3 days not great.My nervous system feels burned out.
> It feels as though I was given a fantastic life and had it RIPPED out of my hands and I'm left with no family and 2/3 boys communicating with me.
> Ive lost 4 years with them that I'll NEVER GET BACK and clocks still ticking.K gniteMy neck hurts, my eyes swollen shut from crying, and feel awful.
> I left to give her time and space, what she wanted, and then I return to "no, sorry."
> and I know the harder I hold onto that the more it hurtsI'm simply sick of waking up and doing this shit every daystill directionless, still feel very lost and NOT healed
> That lack or response shows me I WOULD NOT BE MISSED
> NOT BE MISSED
> Not interested any more.This place has lost its charm a long fucking time ago.
> I invoice for $500 when done.If I chase car insurance, and pay car registration, I'll have under $100 left.Then broke again.
> In my mind Liz is as lost as the MAGA.
> When are you leaving?
> —I interview with company in Loveland today.It will determine if I stay here.Otherwise, I'll be pulling out of here in less than 2 weeks and leaving Colorado sans VW.
> Only here for ketamine on 23rd then Im leaving
> Back from walk and feel worse than when I left.That's not how its supposed to work.
> Leaving the 25th.One week from this Friday.Confirming car situation before I make reservations.
> Ive reluctantly gone out at my fathers request and its taxing.
> Tough lessons learned at a heavy cost.it also explains why I lost any sense of identity I had going into my marriage.
> This is the first time I've been this way across the country I've always gone the 76 not the 70
> This is the first time I've been in Kansas I've never been in Missouri either
> That's one thing I miss dearly.Just hanging out with the boys in the house kind of doing nothing or going to plant Soccer or whatever
> I just lost connection to my websites while working on them.
> I miss being close to a woman.
> Big picture.No one showed.LessonI wont be missed.
> staying aliveI'd already be dead if I never left here.
> nadaI knew I would go backwards, but this is ridiculousexhausted from nothing but core survivalone more fucking day of this shit in the booksand another day lost to mental illness

## Vignettes
> Hey there, GM.
> Hope your weekend went well!
> We had our last soccer games of the fall.
> We won 2, lost 1.
> Glad to hear you are feeling better!!
> Very busy weekend.
> Liz got back from camping.
> Soccer tournament Saturday and Sunday.
> 4 games in 2 days.
> Won 2, lost 2.
> Sorry to miss your call yesterday.
> Been under lots of stress with Deadlines.
> One down, and one more to go at 11am meeting today.
> Probably busy until 12:30 with that.
> Then coach soccer @4pm.
> Let me know if you have any pockets of time today and perhaps we can connect
> third is last night we had an end-of-year team party for the soccer team.
> It was my last function as head coach.
> As of today I'm no longer head coach of the team.
> AND this also officially marks Darragh's departure from the team as well.
> It's bittersweet as this was the team I created out of nothing with Darragh and some soccer friends.
> I'm going about things like its no big deal, but I feel a sense of loss as I have been working with the team for nearly 5 years in total.
> Not sure I've fully experienced this transition yet.
> It was all talk less than a month ago, but now its real.
> Woke up groggy, and mind went to worrying as usual.
> Don't remember a morning where I've not woken up and gone to worry, anxiety, shame in a long, long time.
> It impacts just about every facet of my life.
> I have moments, when focused, where I'm clear of this—but its seems to be a concentrated effort.
> Typically the awareness of this taking place is after the fact.
> So the challenge is to awaken with awareness to help "stop it" before it takes place.
> I'm trying hard to get into focus mode.
> I have lots to do here.
> hours and hours of it after missing yesterday.
> Heard this morning that friends of ours, who used to live/work here at Thacher for 20+ years and left a couple years ago, that their 13 year old daughter committed suicide last night.
> Totally tragic and feels senseless.
> I saw her and her dad here on campus 3 weeks ago.
> She was here interviewing to attend Thacher next fall.
> I remember when she was born and she grew up on campus, so I knew her well.
> It doesn't seem real, or fair, or make any sense to me.
> And I cannot imagine what the family is going through, and to have it happen this time of year too.
> Just immensely tragic and sad.
> Good morning.
> MR almost done, just meditation left.
> How about you?
> I'm doing OK.
> Liz is leaving for camping today for the rest of the end of the week.
> 20 years of this and I'm still anxious about her departure.
> I'm not sure what the underlying anxiety is there maybe abandonment?
> Unsure but it's definitely bothersome.
> Any suggestions?
> We were at a soccer tournament all weekend.
> Darragh‘s team made it to the final game and lost 10.
> It was a bummer, but great that they couldn't make it that far.
> Declans team did all right, but teams in his bracket got into a fight and they had to kick them out of the tournament.
> So he didn't get to play as many games and was bombed
> For me I've had my sleep interrupted pretty harshly.
> I've gone to bed since Monday at 2 AM 3 AM and 1:30 AM.
> And I've not been able to concentrate really at all this week.
> It's been a real struggle for me this week on a lot of levels.
> I tried to dig deeper to understand what's underneath this.
> Why would I fear people leaving me?
> I don't think I have abandonment issues, or do I?
> Today is my first day of vacation.
> And I am already stressed out.
> We have not left the house for los Angeles yet.
> I hear you too.
> I think back to when I was 30, 25, or even 35 and what kind of idea/vision I had for my life.
> And then I consider where I'm at.
> I'm definitely not want to be.
> I feel captive in some sense.
> For me, I don't have enough money saved for either retiring or kids college, and professionally I feel OK.
> Doing work I like with interesting people.
> Health is not where I want to be I am.
> Not getting enough sleep every day.
> So we all have our basket of shit it doesn't match up with the pristine vision.
> It's good to have goals aspirations things to shoot for, but sometimes you miss.
> And that's OK.
> Re-calibrate, learn, and take action again
> I have piles of papers.
> In baskets, in boxes, etc.
> I need to be gone through and either pitch, or filed in someway.
> I just keep making piles and not processing
> We lost yesterday 3-1.
> A competitive game, we had our chances to score but failed to convert.
> That and the "lucky bounces" going the other way.
> It was a winnable game that didn't happen.
> Today we won our final game of the regular season 1-0.
> Darraghs team finishes the season 4th out of 8 teams.
> 3 of their losses were winnable games and one tie they handed to another team.
> So a very good season of learning.
> Like one of my old coaches says...
> when you're not winning, you're learning—or you're doing it wrong.
> Hey, Declan had his first high school soccer game yesterday and they lost 3 to 2, which was a bummer.
> However, he scored one goal and had the assist on the other.
> #proudpapa
> I was really confused by it, but didn't stop.
> I read later in the comments from other meditators that they too were having the same experience.
> The teacher said its completely normal for unknown crying and grief to surface.
> They say that its deep, repressed pain and/or memories that are surfacing—sometimes its concious and one can link the event or time, other times there's nothing there but the tears and its then that it feels confusing.
> At this stage for me I'm used to it and I actually go looking for it—so I can release
> hey there!
> transition to school has been interesting.
> All students back on campus.
> Sophomores and Juniors are still quarranteened until this weekend.
> Freshman and Seniors are doing in person classes, but outdoors—sunny and dry here.
> Darragh started as a freshman at Thacher this year and so far its going well.
> Declan is a Junior at the public school, Nordhoff—he's totally virtual.
> Been doing classes online for about a month now.
> Declan likes the online classes but I can tell he misses hanging with his friends in person.
> like when I watch wildfires online, but then have to be on the run for a week while the town nearly burns down.
> I was lucky, others were not.
> I know a local musician who lost his house and ALL of his giant instrument collection.
> I would be gutted.
> Taking old shelving I built for boys when little for all their shit.
> Left it Outside a few years to weather.
> Now going to turn it into a darting cabinet.
> Place for darts, parts, and a place to hold beers 🍻
> ah, ok.
> No worries.
> Believe me I've been there.
> When they were 1, 4, and 7 I was left with them all for a week
> sorry to miss you.
> cranking through tasks.
> have lots to do and Liz comes back tomorrow 😬Did manage to take 4 molds of my teeth and get it sent out to Tennesee to start my teeth realignment 🦷
> sorry to miss you.
> was an interesting day.
> processing a lot
> Hey there, I have just a couple panels on the homepage to work out in mobile and I think its good.
> There is missing content on homepage4 which I've renamed.
> Missing headlines, etc.
> Oy.
> got super bad vibes tonight.
> really ominous feelings.
> waves of fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, grief and despair.feeling awful, but if I remember correctly its just a feeling and hopefully it will pass
> Ok looks like I'll be heading out on the 16th.Boys game is 15th and I told Liz I don't want to miss that.I said could leave asap and be back for the game.
> Or go after.
> She agreed to going after.
> Liked "When you arrive in Estes Park there is a public parking building on you right.
> You can't miss it.
> Park there and go to Kind Coffee "
> Lost 7-1.Headed to 2nd game now.I'm ok.
> 1 day at time.You've been sick for almost a month 😷 no bueno.
> Hope u feel better soon
> Liked "Updated the cover letter - can you take one more pass through it.
> Added areas of training experience- did I miss anything?
> Thanks 🙏 I want to send out in the morning "
> Thanks for sending that meditation I listen to it it was very good.
> And sorry to miss connecting with you today.
> I'll give you a call tomorrow I have an appointment in Ventura with a therapist to work on some DBT.Call you after 11am pst, ok?
> Also i'm psychologically challenged by the idea that I was not myself last year and lost my job, and (nearly) lost my marriage and family — and yet here I am working my ass off to get better and stable — feeling more stable now than really at any time in life despite the shit going down around me.
> Yet, I feel like a prisoner doing time for crimes of the past with what feels like no end in sight.
> A share.
> No action for you.Reconciling the suffering I feel daily as "a choice" with daily reminder/memory of hurting the one I love more deeply than I can comprehend.
> It can be an overwhelming and all-encompassing feeling that is hard to be rational with.
> It has an ouroboros quality to it—something I'm all too familiar with.The ‘gut-punch' is autonomic to me — it happens without thought or provocation, just tears, sadness, and weeping.
> Liken it to eternal grieving.All these months later it hurts more as time goes on.
> I can see it in my face in the mirror—grief, and loss.And yet I breathe and somehow wake up...just to be aliveon this fresh morningin the broken world....another day closer to the endpassing without noticeto the sound of joyin the air about youdeafened by the soundsyour soul infinitely weeping from the unwanted hurtyou cannot take back.I have no way to sayto the one I love dearesthow deeply sorry I amfor all the hurt I've causedover all these years together.Unable to undo what was done I fear all bridges are burnedand I can never returnto the love I cherish more than any other.
> Looks like A+L is done with me.
> I can't log in to any of their accounts.
> I lost access to all my personal passwords.
> 😡
> Last night had an idea to write all that I've learned about the WHY things happened the way they did for me: the reason, triggers, and underlying causes.
> I know the WHY and now can transcend it.
> It saddens me that I cannot share any joy about this, and have Liz benefit after having gone thru things with me.i'm on the verge of being the best version of myself and I don't want to live anymore it all hurts too much
> Liked "I would question your label of the fear.
> That may be one component but you know this fear and so it's power is not as strong?
> It's probably a combination of fears...Fear of loss of identity Fear of loss of a future you thought was a givenFear of failure Fear of judgement I list these not to impart them as your fears or ones you should consider.
> I list them to point out each one has a story that causes a feeling.
> All of which is happening in the matrix and is not real.
> Remember the best course of action is self care."
> Just pulled into driveway after visiting Sallie for a few hours today.Whole drive home been triggered about what feels like a year of my life gone by and nothings changed in my relationship with Liz.
> I still feel the mad mind around her every time I see her.
> Feels like this is never getting better ❤️‍🩹 it breaks my fucking heart to contemplate that.
> I love her so much, always have.
> My life still feels so it's uncertain 🤨 to me.
> 365 days of not knowing what's happening and sleeping on the couch.
> Sometimes it feels like I'm becoming numb to feeling anymore, because when I do it seems to hurt.
> When I think about someone touching me, hug, hand on the back, I feel recoil.
> It just feels fucked up.
> Just had a small interpersonal interaction with LizJust feeling the dark side of her.Little to know words, and flat.She seems extremely tired and burnt out or mad and keeps a lid on it.
> I cannot tell.There are parts of my ability to interact with her that are stymied for whatever reason.I have 2 things.1.
> I am concerned about her well-being with as many demands that are on her shoulders—in particular, with being the primary contact and caregiver with her mom and the myriad of details that involves.
> Besides the fact that her mom's health has been unsteady these past couple of months.2.
> I am so confused as to how to be most helpful.
> I've offered help anytime it is needed to both Liz and Sallie—perhaps I need to reiterate that to them.
> But I don't know if maybe going away again would be most helpful.
> Is my being here a burden to Liz because she's already dealing with a lot?
> I was gone 1/3 the year of the incident.
> I've processed it alone for myself, but not entirely with her.I keep thinking back on her looking me square in the eye and saying, "I'm done." and it pierced my heart.I love her dearly and have never wavered in my devotion to her, but I'm somehow standing here seemingly watching her suffer with trying to keep everything going.There's a part of me that thinks she wants a divorce, but a part of her is afraid to say it to me for fear of my reaction (considering her experience of my state of mind).This is all so fucking heartbreaking and sad for both of us.
> Our relationship should have never gotten into this weird space.Personally, I was just hit with a wave of tears and sad emotion—like love dying and had to pause.Was just thinking about the feeling of living between spaces in suspended animation like Man on Wire
> I'm heading to sleep.
> Did more applications and worked on a skills page for the website.Had many more emotional breakdowns today than in a long time.
> Super stressed and my body is tight.
> Stretching then bed.I feel forlornI feel lostI feel sadness
> Hi Alexandru,I do have one question."We're looking for excellence in every aspect and a more refined design overall with a more modern design aesthetic and usability to match our current clients' needs."How would one know your current clients' needs and be able to match the aesthetic and usability?If not shared in a scope document or conversation, you are measuring someone against a yardstick they have no clue about.I liken it to the client who says, "I'll know it when I see it," as their sole piece of creative direction and/or feedback.
> I have the talent, skills, and experience to chameleon any design aesthetic or design system—this I know because I've lived it.
> If you asked me for über clean mid-century swiss design—that's what you get.Also, you say if I reapply that I should "please present all case studies in detail guiding us through the methodology used, showing your design process as well presenting the final design solutions."You must not have looked at my case studies with their lengthy descriptions about the process and methods used for each project, hand sketches, and final wireframes, maps and matrices, duration, medium and my role.Please look again at one of my case studies and tell me what's missing?https://bertmahoney.com/projects/vehicle-auction-softwareHave a great weekend.-Bert
> I don't like mornings when all I want to do is not be alive.Then to push through another day only to wake up and feel it again.
> The hope is it won't show up the next morning.
> You work hard, don't fuck around and be incredibly humble.
> But no matter what there you are.My existence the past 400+ days.
> Some days the feeling is barely there, others there's no escaping it all day.The end of life is inevitable and my experience of the past year+ has hardened me in some ways I don't like.
> I find myself liking myself less despite working on self love for a year.One can see, I hope, how it looks and feels pointless and hopeless.To not feel joy, happiness, or fun—for even 10 minutes—for year's changes you.
> I know because it's where I am.Why the fuck bother if this is the new normal, the new baseline of my life?Being alive feels pointless.Everything feels pointless.I'm sticking around so I won't destroy others lives, but mine already feels destroyed.So now my purpose in life is to live and suffer silently as I have so that others can live fun, carefree lives?Part of me would have wanted me gone back in 2014 when I nearly drove my minivan off a cliff.I mean if I had no impact on anyone or anything any right now I choose NOT life.
> I'd rather not feel anything, than to keep feeling like this over and over and over and over.I am venting serious thoughts but I won't act on them because I'm a coward in addition to being a worthless skin sack of meat and bones.The one person I wish would show ANY empathy compassion or caring shows me nothing but disdain.That hurts more than u can know.No need to reply.
> I don't have any other outlet than writing this on paper and throwing it away
> Hi, sorry I missed you.
> Today was a delayed start.
> Just wrapping up now.
> Oh, I'm not sure you recall from early on but she said before I left for Colorado that I would come back and we would regroup and talk with the counselor.
> Well that was a year ago and it never happened.
> I have never been able to explain myself clearly, but I don't think any explanation is going to help.
> She has a white-knuckle grip on her pain and it feels like she needs my validation.Since the hike and my shift when I spoke with her I see everything differently.I still feel sorrow and remorse for what happened that night and Liz was hurt deeply from that experience and the accumulation of toxic fear leading up to it.
> She feared me for the rage, anger, and dark depression that was overflowing out of me regardless of the masking I tried.She feared for herself and the boys.
> I was lost inside the lies of my depression and could not see or perceive clearly so my sense of her fear was minimal at best.What she did not know was that all the rage and anger was aimed at myself fighting the inner dialogue of self-hate, self-loathing and not understanding why it felt that no one cared about me.
> I was suffering badly and no one was going to save me, except I didn't know that.
> I held out hope that things would get better, or someone would intervene.
> None of that happened and I kept falling deeper with self medication.I'm not sure what she knew about what was going on with me.
> I don't remember any moment of communication where there was overt empathy and compassion towards me or even a basic curiosity seemed to be hard to come by.
> She may have been too afraid to inquire or help, I don't know.What I do know is that her creating distance only reinforced the belief in the lies depression was telling me — you are worthless and no one gives a shit about you, not even you're wife!
> Look she doesn't care about you!
> It's right in front of your face, she hates you." I fought that inner dialogue for months and can't honestly can't believe I'm still alive.My basic plan involved hiking to a beautiful spot in the sespe and check out.
> The ideation was BIG, and I thought about it a lot.
> I was going to take Weston with me, so I wasn't alone.
> But then I realized Weston would be alone with me dead, and I could NEVER hurt him, or leave him alone like that who knows how many miles from home.Plus, the burden of my pain would be put on my wife and children to carry throughout their lives.
> That would be beyond any cruelty a person should ever have to bear.I decided ultimately that I was the only one that was going to save me.
> I put off getting help because depression kept lying and telling me that I deserved to suffer and don't ever get help, I don't deserve it.Wow, ok have to stop, that's alot
> I miss her love so very muchThe idea that she will never love me again strikes me at my core.
> I made a vow through good times and bad.
> We've really never had any big problems over the years.
> I want nothing more than to talk and work through this problem.
> I don't know if she genuinely doesn't care about me at all.I want to grow old with her and take care of her for all she's done for me😭😭😭
> I have one appt today and that is to take Sallie to Drs.
> Be gone 90 to 120 mins.
> From 12:15pm—2:00ish
> I'm headed out to take sallie to doctor.
> Be gone for a few hours.
> I'll be back online tonight.
> Right now the synchronization is happening in the background
> Had a 2 hour talk with Derick Perry today.
> We talked about my situation.
> He was very honest with me.
> Told me I have put up with far too much shit when I told him about my experience over years.
> I was surprised, but then not.
> I learned to take less than I'm worth and have lived that way my whole life.
> Only my latest position did I negotiate for more than was initially offered, 24k more.I regretfully learned this from my mother.
> She never stood up for herself and me to the point of removing us, or me, from that hot kettle.Would have been cool if I could have lived in the Crest with you and Johnny Gusier(sp?) and gone swimming in his pool.
> 😊 I remember him and Billy Snyder on the corner
> I'm suspicious that she's been talking to one particular person I know who doesn't have anything against me per se, but if Liz told her the story the way she does from the victims perspective this person would have huge sway and influence Lizs thinking and direction.
> How do I deal with something like that?Note that there was a distinct difference in her after I came back from Colorado to New York.
> I remember her seeming far more pissed off when I came back from Colorado, and before I left for New York.
> Before I left for Colorado, she pulled herself into a cocoon of sorts, and really didn't engage with me all that much.I vividly remember the painful moment when she dropped me off to catch my flight to New York, and I put my bags on the ground turned around and was gonna walk up to the window to say goodbye and she just gives me a cold stare, made a U-turn and pulled away.
> It was in that moment I began to cry, and basically didn't stop until I landed in New York.It was a terrible time for me.
> I did start meditating, but that took about 7-8 weeks to really show results.And now I've been able to regulate my nervous system through meditation.
> I've never felt my nervous system calm ever in my life.
> It seriously was like seeing the second coming of Jesus Christ himself.
> I couldn't believe the feeling I had inside of my body.
> There was a calmness and a serenity that I have never ever felt in my entire life.
> It was so peaceful that it was blissful.
> I don't feel that all the time, of course, but that moment in meditation resonated through the rest of the day, when I did tap into it, and it was very powerful.
> Liz has never known me other than diss regulated ain't mostly anxious with the sprinkling of depression, Bert, then I went massive depressive disorder with alcoholism and drug use to self medicate.
> I was in no state of mind to make clear, rational decisions.
> However, that's not to say I am not accountable for what I've done to others.
> I'm totally responsible and I have spoken to my sons about this time in our lives and expressed my regret and remorse and apologize if I had hurt them in anyway either.
> They both accepted the apology and told me honestly they never felt threatened by me were scared by me.
> They were just confused as to what was going on with me.And then returning from New York she was more or less how she is now only talking to me when it's about the boys or logistics.
> Liz spent the weekend in town at Joanna's and still there tonight.I think she wants to be there during our call.Last week after the call I was incredibly triggered afterwards finding out she had "decided" to let things progress.I was very upset and disappointed 😢 and it made things more complicated to unpack than I thought.
> Of course my heart was broken and I let her know how upset I was.I was so mad I told her about my suicidal ideation and that in the darkest moments I chose them over the alternative, not once but twice.
> She knew I was depressed but not that far gone.
> All of this scares her.
> There is something deeper going on.In my conversation with Sallie yesterday I was sharing about my struggle with depression and the alcohol and the drugs.
> And then she shared about Adam and Greg list.
> His brothers, who have both gone through multiple periods of depression, drug use incarceration the whole ball of wax.I also need to know right now she is the only one taking care of her mother.
> Her brother Adam is MIA, and her brother Greg couldn't help her if he wanted to.
> His back is basically disintegrating on him and he uses a walker to get around now .
> ## I never put that together before.She has the trauma of watching Tim turn into somebody else, and she was terrified seeing him go through that transformation—SHE FELT HELPLESS and TERRIFIED.
> I know this because she told me the stories long ago.And then the same thing happens with her husband; he drops into a deep depression, and self-hate turns him into someone else; SHE FELT HELPLESS, TERRIFIED AGAIN, and for someone **who likes to be in control,** this was more than unsettling.
> She watched my dark spiral happen until it blew up in my face—which it had to at some point.I know there is a long history of alcohol and drug abuse with her brothers.
> Interventions, rehab, etc.
> I sat in on an intervention with her brother Adam.When I was profoundly mentally ill, I was self-medicating with both to numb my suffering of feeling rejected.
> She was feeling the energy of my frustration.
> I didn't believe I was worthy of asking for help.
> I had completely lost my ability to communicate pretty much anything with Liz because the energy of my severe depression and rejection frustration was palpable—it terrified her.
> I was lost inside my mind, blindfolded in a never-ending lightless labyrinth of suffocating silence and loneliness—depression—stranded inside my brain cells.This makes so much more sense now.I can see more of her suffering.
> Going to give up alcohol for a while.Not that I'm drinking a lot, some on weekends shooting darts.
> But I notice how much more psychologically down I am the day after.
> Far more negative and down.Can u help keep me accountable on that?Also starting into a keto diet.
> I have the $$ to buy the pre made meals delivered.And going to learn how to get my body into ketosis by using fasting.
> I have stubborn gut fat I want gone.
> Not good for ticker.
> The students left campus today for spring break.
> The campus will be quiet the next two weeks so I am going to put in a request to have a dumpster put outside my garage so that I can start going through shit and weeding out things and stacking them nicely somewhere until I'm ready to put them in a vehicle and move on.
> Bert, I'm going to step back bc I don't think I'm helping here.I'll say for the record that comments that seem intended to make me feel guilty don't sit well with me.
> They feel manipulative and unfair.
> I've done a great deal to support your marriage, starting with taking care of your wonderful kids pretty much every time Liz left town.
> I think if you weigh what I've done to support you and Liz against what you've done to support me and David, you'll find your comment unfounded, to say the least.
> But I know these comments are coming out of the hard time you're going through and likely aren't really you.
> I had a dad who tried to controll people through guilt, shame and anger (perhaps you did too?) and tried to keep people close to him that way.
> I've found it never works and only drives people further away...cauing more anguish and anger.
> It's a terrible cycle and I don't want to see you go down that road...a road that ultimately leads to resentment and (sometimes) vindictiveness.
> Bert, you're too good a person to go down that road.
> I have seen your kindness and warm heart, and all the work you've done in the past 2 years getting to a better place.
> You don't deserve to be resentful or ever become vindictive (that's a dark place).
> Your kids don't deserve seeing you in that place.
> And Liz doesn't deserve it either.
> I'm going to sign off (please don't think I'm ghosting you if I don't respond...I'm just trying to ensure I don't make things any harder than they already are).
> But please know I love you, I love Liz, I love your kids (I'm getting tears in my eyes as I write this...I know I don't tell any of you this often enough)...I love your whole family and want nothing but happiness and peace for all of you.
> I've had a long day.
> Been very sad and depressed.
> I caught lies of depression showing up today.I feel as if I'm distracted by work, but when that is over, I fall backward into a sad hole and can't do much with myself.Lacking motivation.
> I found the dart league and got excited, but I haven't gone.
> That was 3 weeks ago.I don't have much interest in anything right now, save working and thinking about life and wavering in a cycle of sadness and depression.It's been more than 2 years now that I have been sad and depressed.
> I had a MAJOR episode during covid.
> I've been on a solid combo of meds, which has helped.
> However, I'm struggling.I actually contemplated calling 988 tonight.
> Also, if Id had access to a handheld firearm, you probably wouldn't be reading this text.
> For some reason that came into my mind tonight, the idea of suicide.I have faced it head on twice.
> When I look at my life, and REALLY think about what it's going to entail on a day-to-day level I'm really not interested in the prospect.
> Living alone, for me — NOT GOOD.
> I'm way more likely to fall into another deep hole of depression, except with no one around, no one will know and I can slowly slide out stage left
> In order for me to move forward, and stay on Earth, I will need to not see or speak to Elizabeth.Right now I find any interaction with her triggering.
> Seeing her triggers feelings of love and longing.I cannot move forward and continue to be triggered every time I interact with her.So, as I am required to honor her decision for a divorce, she will be required to not be at anything I am at.
> This means we will never be present at the same time in the same space.
> I can see some of my words are being miss interpreted.
> I am speaking into the phone and trying to annunciate myself.
> However, there are times when I start to get upset and it really Mangels my words and I sometimes hit send before reading it.So apologies for having to deal with that.
> The only thing I've been able to depend on these past 3 years is suffering.
> It's here every day, all day no matter what I do.Meditate, sleep well, eat well, exercise, etc.
> nothing is making anything LESS hurtful.
> The volume on my suffering has only gone up over time.I'm already bearing the burden of my depression and mental illness and trying to stand back up on my feet and now being asked to carry the burden of a failed marriage and broken family thru the rest of my life...I can't carry my burden and what she's passing off to me — its too much to contend with
> Hi Laurie, I just read your message.
> Apologies for the delay in responding; I see you sent this four days ago.In terms of things with Elizabeth, for me — they are incomplete and unresolved.
> I am moving forward as promised, but as things stand now, I will not communicate with Elizabeth at all in perpetuity.
> I have no idea how anything related to the boys will be handed or approached when things come up (graduations, marriage, grandkids?) Right now, I'm of the mindset that if items are left as—is, I will not want to be in her presence.I would not be able to be relaxed and friendly in her presence after being treated this way, not only before but this entire "I want a divorce, no talk, no compromise" stance she's maintained.She doesn't communicate with me now in person or session, so there's not much I can do with someone who continuously ghosts me and acts as if all they want is for me to go away and stop bothering them.For who I've been in my marriage, who I've been as a father and family man, and all I've done for my wife in supporting her dreams to reach Kona — I am genuinely gobsmacked with how I'm being treated.In some ways, it feels like she's held onto decades of shit and is dumping it all at once.She's talked things through with her friends and others and gotten her mindset and stance solid while at the same time not being faithful to her vows and even trying to talk through this challenging time.She appears to have just given up, which is STUNNING for me to experience.
> This is a woman who will be stopped by nothing; I watched it myself with her training and racing—superhuman mental and physical strength.No Ironman could stop her, but I can.
> Am I tougher than Ironman, so much that she's given up and thrown in the towel before the race is over??Truly stunned because it's totally not her personality to give up on ANYTHING.This is part of why this "logically makes zero sense" to me.I'm at the point where I want to ask if she has some romantic interest or is dating or something — I'm just lost on how to move forward mentally and emotionally.
> Physically I'm still working on getting myself out of the house, but I feel the mental side every day.
> My body is moving, but my mind is stuck.I look forward to talking tomorrow morning.
> Today was hiking on a trail that is rarely traveled and so overgrown from lack of use and recent rains makes keeping track of the switchback difficult if not near impossible in some places.I ended up missing a switchback and kept going—mind you this is making your way through chest-high sagebrush and assorted tough bushes.I got to a section that was suddenly steep.
> I had gotten far off trail and it was worthless to walk back the way I came—it was just as thick with brush.Only way wasn't through, it was up.I had my sticks and proceeded to climb about 30 feet up the side of the mountain.
> Rocks were slightly exposed among small shrubs and it was tight wire manageable.There were two moments where I lost my balance switching weight between my legs to climb up.Dont know how I didn't fall backwards, not once, but twice.After the second one I was a bit nerve wracked.
> The first one was intense but I thought that was it.The second one was a close call.I'm lucky to be sitting home and typing this out to you.I was thinking how lucky I was to avoid a helicopter lift out of the foothills.
> I was about 1500' up when it happened.
> I would not have fallen that far, probably 20 feet or so, but after I hit, I would have likely rolled downhill some more based on where I was.Broken leg, hip, arm, back or all of it — or no mas alive.
> I'm simply miserable and generating a mask when in public to survive interaction with other humans.
> All while feeling completely groundless and lost.
> Projecting confidence and certainty when you feel as deeply depressed as I do is nothing short of a Herculean task.Even more hard than that is doing it without anyone knowing deep down what's going on for you.
> It is a hard earned skill over a lifetime of fooling people that you're OK.In some respects, I wish I could be more honest with people when they ask how is it going?
> I wish I could say my life is shit right now my wife wants to get rid of me.
> Look at it this way, you have so much writing from me and insight into my thinking that this will not seem like it comes out of nowhere when it happens, at least from your perspective.Other people will likely be shocked and saddened to hear that I'm gone, thinking things like he seemed so happy, he had such a good life, and not knowing of all of my suffering.You have an insight into my suffering that not even my mother, my brother, my father, my wife, or really, anyone has.I've shared more with you than anyone else.There is no one better suited to explain why I did what I eventually will do.
> Should things come into reality I don't want to put that burden on you, but there's no one else shared as much with And there's probably nobody who knows my current mindset better.
> Hell you know more than my counselor or anyone else other than me.
> One interesting observation during this trip.ZERO traveling anxiety.
> Have never traveled by air and have not had pervasive anxiety throughout the entire trip until I get on my last plane.
> The "being on time" and not missing your transfer its what eats at me under my skin.
> Just done with counselor session.
> It was interesting because she had a one on one with Liz while I was gone.
> She had some things to relay to me from Liz.
> Apparently Liz cannot speak to me, or even text me anymore.
> Sending communications through the counselor.Anyhow, it appears as if Liz wants me out in six weeks and there is honestly no way I will be financially ready to go in six weeks.
> It's likely I'll have to move to the East Coast probably immediately and move in with my parents which sucks.Not only that I feel like my contract position with hatches, now in jeopardy of becoming full-time because of me breaking down at the end of meetings when I was talking to the VP disclosing that I'm dealing with a divorce
> K.Dude.
> Lost in my head for an hour.Trying to snap out of it now.
> I have a lot of shit to do this weekend to be ready for Monday morning.
> And that's beyond the work stuff.
> I have some other things I would like to accomplish then I'm gonna try right now.
> Oh, my future and direction of my life is being decided by someone other than me.I just have to live with the consequences.Thing is I'm not gonna live.Fuck the consequences.
> I'm going to check the fuck out.I have made up my mind.
> I am fine with impermanence.
> I know life but has beginning and an end, but I also know it's cyclical.So what, this round of a human existence didn't work out in my favor fuck that's the way it goes.When I move out of this house and off of campus That is the end of my life.
> If not that day sometime there after it will be over.
> It won't be dramatic.
> It's not gonna be a gun.
> It's not gonna be anything anyone expects.I'll be flat straight with you.
> I've gone beyond ideation and I'm planning.I've decided that's what I want to do.
> I'm gonna go Kevorkian and take my own life and fuck everybody else.If others can be this selfish, why the fuck can't I be?Right I am told I have to live with other peoples decisions, well, guess what I'm going to make a decision and other people are gonna have to fucking live with that too.
> Wanna pass the pain along to me, guess what coming right back around to ya.Fuck it all.
> I I've put on the fisheye lens and looked at my life.
> I looked at what I'm about to head into, and want to be on that.Honestly, there's very little I want to stick around for.
> Other than hanging out to be with my boys, there's nothing here on earth for me anymore.I'm mentally checked out of earth at this point in the game.Remember I've been at this for close to three years this is it some kind, a whim, or new idea, this is been on the crockpot on the back burner for a long time in my mind.It's essentially come down to as lemony Snicket said a series of unfortunate events.
> It really sucks because I have discrete vision being a grandpa with elizabeth.
> The kids said our boys may have some day.Unfortunately, I'm not gonna be around to see that, I don't want to be Riendo grandpa and not be grandma and grandpa.
> So fuck it .I only knew my grandmother, and knew no one else beyond my father so the idea of not knowing your grandparents personally, it's not anything new, or anything they'll miss.
> I can always record some YouTube videos and tell some jokes.
> I thought that very funny because there's probably 100 maybe 1000 guys out there total, who the fuck knows how many anyway point being I don't have enough discipline to write a book.What would most likely work for me would be recording videos, or just audio.
> If I were to sketching outline on paper before ranting, it would not be hard for me to crank it out as you sit here and read this, I know because I'm speaking it and it's translating it into text that some words are messed up, but if I did this into AI it likely could clean it up pretty wellAnd that makes me think it's gonna suck to miss out on all the fun shit AI's gonna crank out
> Going to keep.going to these pick up tournamenst .Eventually I'll get picked up by a team.What was fun is that no one really knows who I was except for 3 or 4 guys I played with in the last tournament.
> The guys we played in the final today I played in the first round of the my first tournament and lost, but it was damn close.
> Just like the final was tonight.We literally lost by two darts .
> I am undesirable.
> If I had the slightest bit of desirability left and B, my wife would acknowledge my humanness.
> Acknowledge my mistakes, and be willing to show me mercy.I don't get any mercy, I just get sent away.
> Yeah, but honestly...
> I saw Liz today here at the house and heard her voice.
> I broke down after she left.
> I'm still in love with her even after all this.I have enough awareness to know this is deeply true.
> So I want to ask your opinion on this, of course, and I will say this, that I do still love my wife, and would go back with her in a heartbeat.However, she seems stuck, and the most resolute I have ever seen her in my life.
> Not to mention she can be pretty damn stubborn when her buttons are pushed, and all of that is combined into one.I have no idea if she'll ever get to a space where she could see her self with me againBut even if that time were to come, do you suppose I sit around like the wife of a soldier who's lost in the war, waiting and waiting and waiting.
> Like I said, I feel like I've waited a damn long time she's putting her foot down so, maybe what I need to do is go out and get an apartment and show her that I can take care of myself
> Another day of feeling depressed, sad, and numb.I think somethings shifted this week because sometimes now instead of crying, I'm just numb, silent disassociating, and going off into some other mental place.It's kind of like daydreaming for me except there's no thoughts really you're just staring at the wall and yeah you're just there.
> Back when I had major depressive disorder, I actually disassociated for about almost an hour, sitting still staring at the same thing.
> When I snapped out of it, I thought maybe 10 minutes had gone by 15 at the most, but almost an hour ahead, and it was so not fun .
> Question for you.I am thinking of applying for the May 7 start up of the eight week counseling.
> It's a small group less than 10 people.
> Can you meet once a week for an hour and a half in the morning on the weekend.
> Imagine you're given a workbook or things to work on during the weekAnyhow it's 1600 bucks and it's pay all upfront or 50-50.
> In light of everything else I'm trying to do this puts a little cramping my style moneywiseThat being said you could be incredible value for me and doing this.
> Value beyond the cost of money, I can make more money, but maybe I shouldn't miss this opportunity?I look at it in a way that some thing in the universe made that thing show up in YouTube in front of me last night and lead me to her website and made me find that she has this program.I look at it as a happening but it's just so serendipitous.The SelfHealers group is just that it's individually driven and while I know I could do that all on my own I think it would be a more valuable experience going through this with other people dealing with the same shit with a counselor who's done this with dozens and dozens of groups So, you have to fill out an application online, and if you look like a good candidate they want a zoom call with you for 15 minutes just to talk with you before they confirm that you're in to the program.
> So it appears as though they're diligent about who they let into this thing.
> I think I've got more than enough to qualify in terms of baggage, plus I've done a lot of work already, so I'm not starting from 0.Let me know what you think
> Liz and Darragh are packing for camping.
> So she's around.
> I miss her so damn much.
> It hurts just to be in the space with her
> layout change is up top.
> Put the QR on the right.
> My name left.
> Makes more sense
> I don't think I've ever wanted to be more dead than now.
> Cause a really hard time for me.
> I don't see anything positive here.
> my marriage lost what little job I had is lost, where I have lived for almost a quarter of a century, just too much loss to much rejection all at once.
> It's too much for anyone person to handle let alone someone is Weak minded this me.It just sucks to fail.
> I had to like my whole life went by and I didn't fucking enjoy it.
> I was too distracted by anxiety and depressed.
> How fucking sad is that.I realize now after I've lost my marriage
> Going to go use the restroom before I hit the road.
> Going to take an alternate route that the map is suggesting that is more eco-friendly for electric cars.
> It's going to take me a different way through Arizona and Utah to get to St.
> George.
> it should be fun.
> I have not gone this way before.
> Leaving Cedar city.
> On my way to Beaver.
> I'll text you when I get there.
> I just called these guys and left a message.
> It sounded like an older woman and left my number and was what I'm looking for.
> They're an hour away from me here right in Salina just north of the exit and the charging station.
> It would be perfect spot for tonight.
> I have yet to even look at what local hikes are around the area just from downtown.
> I have my shit with me so I don't have to go back to camp.
> I think I'll go to the Moab brewery get lunch and look at what my 2 to 3 mile hiking options are around the downtown areaIf you know if some thing send me a link.
> I've got a little less than a half an hour left and then I'm topped on my battery.
> Which means I am stoked.I'm paying about 40% more per kilowatt charging here on a slow charger than I would if I was at Walmart charging on a super charger.
> About $.75 a kilowatt here Walmart I get it at 36.
> As it stands, now I'm going to be stuck here and not be able to return to California because I can't fucking afford it.
> I either still be unemployed.
> Be working at fucking Walmart.
> And scraping by isn't gonna cut it budget wise out there so I look forward to the prospect of missing my son‘s senior year of soccer.
> There is some gigantic fucking universal karmic thing that is fucking my life over for something I did, I don't know wtf it isAt this point, I feel like the rest of my life it's just gonna be suffering, no matter what the fuck I do.
> Nothing will get better despite good behavior, good intentions, and being an all-around OK person.
> Look got me so far.
> I'm behind on my car and 3 cards.
> Crickets with resume submissions.
> It feels grim...
> my prospects of not being able to afford moving back to CA and missing soccer ⚽️ season 😒
> Hey there, Testing the formEverything is functional from what I can see so far.The confirmation message is lost as you can see in the screen cap.
> Let me know what you want to do there.
> I can fix it and make it more prominent by using the alert or notice dialog
> Hit me hard tonight.
> Was out and had to mask super hard and it was exhausting.
> Left me falling into the hole 🕳️
> Hola 👋 good morning.I find myself in a very difficult situation and wonder if you could please help me.I have a car payment due tomorrow, or they will move it to collections.
> I have $242 left from Trees payment, and need 433.70 to make payment.
> So I'm short ~$200.If you could lend me that I could put it as advance for future work, or I can pay you back when I have $$$.I'm really deep into my parents already, many thousands of dollars 💸 so it's difficult to go ask for more.Especially when my father came up unannounced yesterday and talk to me about his worry of me surviving.
> I actually kept my cool and pointed out to him that everything he saying is from a perspective of failure or negativity.
> I said to him instead of saying you're worried about me surviving why don't you say I really want you to thrive?
> and he just looked at me.
> I said to him he has been critical of me my whole life.
> I told him that he continuously told me I wasn't good enough.
> My report cards weren't good enough.
> My efforts were good enough, he always pointed out deficiencies.
> He paused and then looked at the floor, and then said I don't remember being so critical of you.
> At that moment, I could've completely lost my mind on him, but I didn't.
> I just took a deep breath and sat there with it and let him sit in that empty space after he said that.Big picture is he wanted to express his concern and care for me.
> But he came at me, totally negative like you're not gonna survive you're going to fail.
> And that is not a great message to come at me with because I will just flip you off and tell you to go fucking sit and spin.I've had a big Shift I don't put up with anyone's shit anymore.
> I don't have time for it and if they don't like it, they can fuck off.I have appeased everyone I've encountered in my life.
> I've always put their needs and concerns before mine, and this may be one of the first time in my life where I am asserting myself.Anyway, I'll stop there at my long-winded text.Let me know on the money situation as soon as you can because if you can't, then I am going to need to walk downstairs and ask my parents for more money
> I have no idea how long things will go on so I'm taking everything I can.
> And then let's say I get a gig.
> I'll just put what I have.
> Whatever I have left back.
> I realized I left my blueberry drink my yogurt and my two leftover pieces of pizza in the fridge so have at it.
> I'm in rifle right now juicing up for Grand Junction then I'll be there Jason for the big push.
> I'll let you know how it goes.
> Hey Darrell, Liz says something she ordered from Amazon got delivered to you by mistake.
> I had left the address on there.
> Anyhow, she's wondering if you could forward it back to her in Ojai I think you have my address ask me if not.
> Metaphorically speaking it as if I didn't need the light anymore to help me see.
> The second thing that I lost this one on the descent.
> I had my bracelets on and my bracelet I got in Kona for Liz final at Iron Man.
> It got caught broken, half and just disappeared down the mountain.Again, metaphorically speaking very interesting
> It would've been super easy for me to check out and then pass all my pain onto the boys to carry the rest of their lives.
> Even if I left a note or a video, there's still would've been questions unanswered and it would bother them greatly.I'm so glad that I did not do that and that I'm carrying all of my pain and suffering myself.The last thing I want to do is to provide fuel to the fire of generational suffering That is passed down from father to son on and on
> Or if the Spanish inquisition is happening.I have to remind my father that all the time.This summer, for example, who were you with, when did you leave, when did you get back, what did you do, did their parents know you left, how was the weather, Did you think about getting ice cream while you were out there, how are your feet feeling?
> Oy Vey!!
> She's never gonna get this fucking nice nice relationship like her mom and dad had after divorce.
> I doubt I'll be able to be in the same fucking room with her.I'm already thinking I'm gonna have a hard fucking time at Doris graduation because I have no fucking idea how that's all gonna play outI could see Liz here with her mom and Joanna and then I'm here just me and they all go have a fucking party and a good time and I get to go stick a fork in my ass because I'm gone
> She doesn't see the real me.She has some story her ego is tied to about who I am and how I treat her.I was SO GOD DAMMED respectful of her independent streak of just leaving the house without saying anything, just *poof* gone.
> Then I text to say "where did you go?""Why do I have to report to you?"Uh, common courtesy to your husband?
> Something that I have felt ever since I left here in June is a massive sense of loneliness.
> Here's the thing I don't want friends.
> I want my family around.
> I went from Family to literally nothing from one day to the next in it hurts, dropping off the boys and not being able to hang out with them afterwards at home.
> I actually woke up kind of slow and peaceful today.However, entering meditation just brings up everything that I lost.
> And the idea that I can't have it back just perpetually killing me.
> Being away from Ojai was very much in out of sight out of mind paradigm.I'm finding now that I'm here things are far more intense than I have ever imagined.
> "If you have even one companion in your life in whom you can trust without reservation, you have found one of existence's greatest gifts."I thought I had that.I was disillusioned after 30 years for reasons still unclear to me.The crux for me is losing everything and not knowing why.
> Yes I was ill, but that's no reason to break a 30 year relationship.
> She was holding back things I have no idea about apparently.She wanted to go to therapy as a couple, but then something changed — I dont know what that is, or what triggered it for her — person, place, or thing.I'm left holding open questions to a broken heart that I carry around with me every day.I fear that I will go into a ‘normal' routine and hermit myself to the world and life.Eat, sleep, work, shit, shower, repeat until I die.All work and no play make Bert a dull boy.What about "All broken-hearted and no work or play make Bert a miserable sod."
> Meeting new people is fine, but I already know that finding someone new is a lost cause for me.
> I'm too broken and can see and admit it.Why would anyone ever want to put up with me 24/7?Fuck I can't put up with me 24/7 and you know it because I'm texting you constantly, weeks have turned into months and now years.I don't know why this is happening to me.
> What I've experienced is more punishment than anything I've ever been through and it's always there for more.K, done ranting.
> Time to go sit
> Liz walked into Starbucks to pick up a coffee for herself.
> I happened to look up and she was locked eyes on me and said "hi" with a slightly friendly face.
> I replied "hi" and then continued looking down at my computer and working.
> I did not look back up as she left.
> By the way, I hustled so hard this morning to break down camp loaded all in the car drive to storage take three loads out of my car put it in storage drive to charging charge.
> Then realize I need to get boots so I drive to Ventura park in Charge by the mall Run in to target by some steel toe boots and taller socks.
> Hustle over to UPS and I have 10 minutes left.
> Took me three hours and 15 minutes of nonstop to get there prep to the car ready to put tons of stuff in it and ended up not doing any of it
> To be human is to suffer from a peculiar congenital blindness: On the precipice of any great change, we can see with terrifying clarity the familiar firm footing we stand to lose, but we fill the abyss of the unfamiliar before us with dread at the potential loss rather than jubilation over the potential gain of gladnesses and gratifications we fail to envision because we haven't yet experienced them.When faced with the most transformative experiences, we are ill-equipped to even begin to imagine the nature and magnitude of the transformation — but we must again and again challenge ourselves to transcend this elemental failure of the imagination if we are to reap the rewards of any transformative experience.
> I can actually say with a fair degree of certainty that nobody fucking understands.How many other people do you know that had their wife fucking kick them out of their marriage then kick them out of the house and make them homeless after they knew that I lost my job.
> It's just like extra fucking cruel.
> soUnless you're separated, unemployed and homeless you really don't have a fucking clue what it feels like
> Have a draft text toSend Liz's way Could you read it?—I'm sorry I never texted or called you to see how were doing when I left for Colorado and New York.
> My silence, I mistakenly thought, was giving you time and space away from me.
> It was not meant to be hurtful or show I didn't care.
> Quite the opposite.
> I was honoring your wishes and giving you what you wanted.
> I cared so much I would have done anything.I never ever stopped loving you or caring about you.
> I thought for a very long time that you didn't care about me.
> The way I was consistently ignored and ghosted.
> You filled your days so there was nothing left to give.You had no curiosity about what was going on with me.Actually you did, but didn't ask me.
> When I found that out I was gutted and hurt to my core.I know you expressed the desire to be civil and respectful going forward.I'm fine with that, but until you can look me in the eye and acknowledge I exist, it's a pipe dream.
> Working on an issue with my personal website.
> Text is missing on mobile.
> Totally weird.
> Having a bad spell at the moment.
> I don't think life is going to work out.
> Based on experience and how life is going.
> Not much left after soccer
> Wish I knew the lesson I'm supposed to be getting from all this going on in my life for me right now?I would really like to learn the lesson and move the fuck on.
> I've been in this space too long and its taking its toll on me — I can feel it.No person is meant to go this long, with this many life stressors all happening simultaneously.
> The fact I've not gone mental, in a bottle or at the end of a gun is a sign of how stubborn I am.
> This experience I'm having hurts at the quantum level.
> Deeper than most people are capable of feeling.I've made myself aware to the fact I can take a lot on mentally, and let a whole lot of shit go and roll off my back—that said there is a suffering that comes with the items that don't roll off.
> Those can linger, or leave and re-appear a long time later and bring along all the associated emotions, etc.I just had a realization that "gee no wonder it's hard for me to concentrate on work, or other things and stay focused.
> Gee why do I seem to be restless, or dissatisfied, etc.
> I'm emptying my soul to my NSA group.
> Telling them of my situation of sleeping in my car since October and having nothing left to live on— and rejections to the rooftops.Anyhow.
> I know you know how this feels.
> Hi Mary,I got word about my score, and I find it interesting.Since I'm still determining the specific criteria on an examination as subjective as this, it's hard to know how or why I got the score I did.
> This was my first time going through this process, and I'm left scratching my head and needing more clarity.There is a way/tactic/strategy to go into these and score well, which I didn't have.Seems a pity.
> You're likely leaving good candidates out of intervies.Thank you for your time and effort on my behalf and your kindness.Be well,Bert--Bert MahoneySoftware Designermailto:hello@bertmahoney.com
> I just went to the house to pick up mail and I completely lost my shit.
> Started crying uncontrollably in front of Darragh.
> All I could say was but I can't stay here.
> It hurts too much and he gave me my mail and then he hugged me really hard and made me cry more.
> Just texted her Hi, I came by to apologize in person.
> You said you would be home later so I took a chance and hoped that I would find you here.
> I'm sorry I missed you.
> ❤️ Bert
> OMG!!I needed to hit the red bullseye to win our doubles match coming back again down 1-0, I scored great darts and we won the second game.
> All tied up.This third and final game would decide whether our team wins the entire night, or if the other team wins, we go to a tiebreaker.We play the third game and we did really well.
> I got down to the last throw and only needed to hit the red bull's-eye to win the game and win the entire night.I HIT IT!!!But it bounced OUT 😮OMG!The other players took their turns, and my turn came again.
> All I needed to do was hit the red Bullseye and we win the game.
> The match and the whole nightI throw my dart I hit the red Bullseye FOR A SECOND TIME!!
> And for a second time it Bounced out AGAIN!!!we ended up in the tiebreaker and lost the entire match
> Hypotheses1.
> There will be opportunities for supporting new users in ways current applications do not.2.
> Most applications will score poorly overall.—GoalsDiscover if any applications miss on one or more of the heuristic principles.Discover if each application supports heuristics.
> Rank them in order of support in a table that can help us measure one applications performance against another—clearly.—Research QuestionsDoes the application support each heuristic?Which heuristics are missed by all current applications?If they do score poorly, where is that specifically in the onboarding process?What step or screen presents the issue(s)?
> Have had 2 meetings with week for my JSC.
> One with Jerry Holden, one with Derick Perry.Today I meet with Janessa Tames who is a recruiter with a northwest firm specializing in creative placements.
> Going to pick her brain on my two pager which I think you've seen.
> Would love your feedback on it if possible.What seems right, what's missing?
> "Life will break you.
> Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.
> You have to love.
> You have to feel.
> It is the reason you are here on earth.
> You are here to risk your heart.
> You are here to be swallowed up.
> And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
> Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."—a passage from Louise Erdrich's 2005 novel The Painted Drum
> Here's what I promised:Its very cool.
> You'll need to play around with it a bit, but you'll get it.Viewport options down the left, toggle on/off...To then see them appear on the right side — the render area.
> Note tabs at top: custom, mobile, tablet, desktop let you filter things QUICKLY.I find this indispensable.
> I'm thinking of perhaps getting a high resolution, scan of that, and making it into a poster or sticker.
> I would pull the burger out of the background.
> So the background would be gone as if it was on whiteWhat do you think?When you look at that do you see a double double for In-N-OutThe reason I ask is if I don't put any words on it it's just a painting of a hamburger with two patties but for those in the know that looks like a double double.
> Because I painted it from their fucking lap, Mat 😂 Thoughts
> I'm walking to my car parked in the park in town where I've been sleeping all week.
> I had hoped to be sleeping up in the mountains tonight.
> thinking the universe decided they shouldn't be up there for some reason so I thought oh I'll go out in town.
> Maybe there's a reason I should be out.But there wasn't a reason to be there other than to be seen by other people who know Liz and I'm sure texted her the minute I walked into that place.
> Fortunately, I just sat alone like a big fucking loser because I don't have any friends or any people that I can fucking relate to so there you go.Have decided to give the fuck up.
> I am just this is my life I am just fucking lost in just want to not be alive anymore Wanna go away and not deal with this.
> All of this.
> I just want to go to sleep and not wake up
> Just did some research.
> Should have filed for divorce right when I left.
> No "back alimony" to go backwards.
> Must file to get things moving.
> We dont have a complicated history of assets and liabilities so I imagine that it should take weeks instead of months.Court decides what happens — if I get support, how much, and for how long.Good resources online for me to do this all myself.
> But lots of work.
> Right now I think the universe is saying, pause and think about going down there.Now I dont need to.
> No loss of car juice (have a gripe with charging company going on) and no loss of money going down to Ventura and spending on anything.So, I'll stay here.
> Its 3pmI'm in Starbucks Ojai working on portfolio edits.
> I'm going to keep working until maybe 7pm.I did 12 hours of work on my stuff yesterday, already did 4 today.
> Been writing, reading, editing, reading, editing, reading.Anyhow, the sooner I get my overhaul done on my materials, the sooner its all aligned and focused on something good and fun.
> I have no idea.
> I'm too lost and too tired to know.Besides I'm a real bummer to be around.
> I dont like being with myself because I'm so miserable
> I'm still deeply hurting inside I'm not sure I'll ever heal before I'm deadLike I said to Jenica the last time I saw her, "I'll get out of this dead or alive"As much as I might want something I don't have, I've been hurt too much and too deep.
> Walking thru a supermarket and suddenly start crying because of deep down pain.I feel isolated and sad.I went to darts today and felt nothing.
> NumbI'm finding it difficult to feel positive in any form when my experience of every day feels the same.
> Lost and losing.K, parked on a street in Ventura and going to sleep now
> Sitting in the middle of town, Libby Park.
> If you know where the post office is on the corner with the big tower Bell tower, I am a couple hundred feet to the left of that tower sitting on a bench by the big fountain at the front of the park Right by where I used to take the kids to the playground when they were little
> I take it on full stop and let it burn.
> I definitely take on the feelings.
> I feel the feelings.But even then, the feelings become TOO much.
> Like when I say if I was near a gun....
> Shit does get that bad.
> And more often that I care to admit.I understand why people snap because I have multiple times but have been able to somehow get myself back to center.I'll be better when either this episode is over, or I am done and gone.
> Its one or the other.
> So I watched the movie:Frances McDormand — NomadLandincredibly triggering me multiple times — I cried alotIt hit close to "home" in many waysI knew precisely how Fern's character feltturning away charityfierce independencequiet uncomfortablenessIt reminded me I dont have a lot of time left in this human experience no matter if I'm enjoying it or not.The "Tyranny of the dollar" line stood out to me.
> Being unemployed this long and feeling SO desperate to have a job and be 'PLUGGED IN" to the economy of US Capitalism.If you're not a part of that club (having a steady full time employment) you are made to feel like an outsider and not wanted since you're not doing anything to contribute — you're a negative drain on the collective whole.I mean we ask people "What do you do for a living?" when we meet someone rather than, "Tell me about yourself?" avoiding reference to work.
> The cultural brainwashing we all succumb to blindly (chasing money competitively with complete disregard of others fate) is really very sad.
> I would bet if you were to survey peolpe on the street and asked them if they felt brainwashed by the economy they'd look at you like you've got a screw loose (which I may at this point hahaha)
> It really sucks to feel so incredibly unwanted in so many ways by so many people, and by so many organizations not to mention the economyThe feeling of loneliness and repeatedly being told you're unwanted is a vicious fucking cycle.I've said it once I'll say it again.
> I'm glad I don't have a gun cause I already be gone.
> Makes me remember how much I miss Jenica.
> That is a woman who literally checks every fucking box that I want in a partner and the only thing stopping me from having her is getting my fucking feet nailed down.
> Once I have my own place it's game on.
> It was funny I was on chat support and the guy got my card sorted out and said oh go ahead do the other order.
> I said dude I'm in my car.
> I left the store.
> I don't hang out for that shit.
> When everything feels so negative and down all the time it's incredibly discouraging just to be awake and breathing.I don't know how to say it other than that.As much as I try to put my mind in a positive state, to keep motivated, to get up every daytry to push forward, it all feels like I'm getting nowhere.An entire year of my life has gone by and I did nothing other than be depressed and homeless and jobless.It's incredibly discouraging and defeating to have worked and put as many hours in as I have not get noticed at all
> Sometimes I wish I had gone down the music rabbit hole rather than the Computer rabbit hole.
> I so love music.
> It literally moves through me as I know you have seen your eyes.
> 👀
> Maybe if I accept the worthless this is suffering instead of fighting it?
> Should I just encompass it and be the suffering?
> No fucking idea.
> I just know that my daily existence for this past year hurts because I have no memories of the year and have lost a lot of time.I discovered that there are huge parts of my life.
> I have no memories of because I was too fucking stressed out and worried about bullshit to be in the moment to form a memory.
> I keep thinking about going to Darragh‘s graduation and the predominant thought is I will not be able to take my mind off of sitting in the knowledge and awareness of all that I've lost.
> I'll be sitting right in the middle of it.
> All can I not think that How much I lost.
> Going to his graduation is gonna be really painful.And I know that Elizabeth‘s friends who give me the fucking dirty looks are gonna be thereI already said it to Aidan that I may not be able to be at graduation.
> And he freaked out and said, but what about DarraghAnd I said Aidan my whole life I've never taken care of myself and I've never protected myself so now that I want to it suddenly not OK?He told me I would regret not going to Darragh‘s graduation.
> I reminded him that plenty of people will be video recording it so I'll see it.So it really comes down to a decision.
> Do I wanna sit there and suffer for the whole day?An expose myself to a ridiculous number of triggers, which include basically the eyeballs of every faculty member on campus looking at me.
> It would be just so much easier if I didn't exist because then me being at graduation would be in moot Point.
> And that's gone.
> I tried to extend my dash but there's no slots left and my dash ends in one minute this sucks.
> Guess I'm off to park and sleep for the night.
> I don't have any money to do anything yay.
> I'm invisible, forgotten and consistently rejected in multiple ways on a daily basis My birthday is forgotten by my kids...If I weren't here or alive it would only affect your text message inbox No one needs me.No one will miss me.I have no purpose.I'm only here to feel suffering I have nothingI didn't choose thisI want it to stop
> I just got incredibly sad to the point of weeping, thinking about Jenica.
> She's fucking perfect for me.
> She checks every fucking box that I have, like some of them 50 times over.
> She gave me all I wanted from Liz and didn't get.
> And it smacks me in the face to realize the only reason I'm not with her is because I'm poor.
> Have a place to live.For real.
> If I had myself grounded in an apartment and my own space that I could live in, I'd still be with her.
> It bothered her immensely that I would leave her place and not have a place to go.
> She had been through relationships where she cared for people, which significantly hurt her.
> So, she protects herself by not extending that kindness to others anymore.
> So it's terrible timing.What I do know is that I want nothing more than to get fucking grounded.
> Call her up and see if she wants to go on a trip somewhere.
> I miss her.I fell for her hard.
> I got a tax refund overnight deposited into my account and then woke up to find Adobe went in and took their 60 bucks so I guess I need their apps, but I also need money to survive so fuck.It seems like even if I get the tiniest bit ahead like $50 ahead something calms and chops my feet out from under me.
> Just fucking tired I'm sick of this and I don't want to do it anymore.I think the medication dosage change is kicking in because right now Would typically be crying like a motherfucker, I'm not crying.
> I'm just sort of staring off into space blindly numb disconnected lost
> Oh hey 👋 7pm start.
> I just left Starbucks.
> I needed to leave.
> I've spent all day every day this week in there.
> Starting to go a bit nuts
> Two things.
> One I have no idea how much battery I will have left, and two I don't know if what battery I have left.
> Will be enough for me to go make enough money to fill my car back up.
> Is it nasty catch 22
> Cool.
> Say hello from me.
> And I have a somewhat obscure question.I am literally missing one onyx bead from my mala.
> The original thread broke and I was unable to find one of the black beads.
> It's standard size bead and it's the black one black onyx.
> I'm missing.
> I ask because I know your mom has probably a collection of little , odds and ends of jewelry and this would be like kind of a black pearl with a hole drilled in it.
> I thought I would if she has it she could bring it and get it from her when I pick her up.
> Havent watched the talk.
> But the idea of moving forward with grief and loss, VS moving on...Wow.
> Mentally that's enormous.
> Somehow made to feel that one needs to move ON and LET GO.
> Sometimes one never lets go—I get it.
> I want to text Jenica badly.I miss her dearly.But my situation hasn't changed.
> want I want to be able to contact her and ask her out on a date but with me working.
> Even if I had a shit apartment she wouldn't care she just wants me to have a place of my own.
> Truly, it sucks to be unable to enjoy this weekend at all.This is something it's looked forward to my whole fucking prayer during life and here it is and I'm guttedI'm sitting in a space where the site and feeling of everything I have lost is in my face.Liz and all three of the boys having all this fun and giggling together I didn't like they always have like their lives are just going on like they always have .
> Just sent to Liz—Had thought about boys graduating from Thacher long ago and here it is, but I'm in a different reality and it's intensely painful.Seeing you and the boys laughing and goofing around shows me all I lost and makes my current existence hard to bear.I simply try to exist without being a burden or cause trouble.But being alive hurts.
> All the time.it's incredibly difficult and intense to existI'm so sorry for everything I'm sorry you wasted your life with me.
> I actually just left the hotel after talking with them.
> They're spending the afternoon packing their crap up so by dinner time they can just relax for the rest of the evening.
> My parents takeoff at 7 AM tomorrow and I need to get your mom to the airport in Santa Barbara by 1230.
> its in the 80s now after parents left.
> Feels really hot outside.
> I would be a complete schvitz it I did that
> I just received unsolicited commentary from a woman who walks into Starbucks frequently to get coffee in the mornings.She happened to walk in not more than 5 mins ago, I'm sitting to the right immediately after you walk in the door.
> She opens the door steps in and glances right, I happened to look up because I wasn't deep into something.
> I see and recognize her, like I said she comes here a lot.I slightly smile at her because I know her visually.
> The slight smile must have been a signal to say something to me.
> She stops dead in her tracks, looks at me and says "do you ever leave here?" I chuckle and say yes I do, I'm using wifi and working.
> She just looks at me and says "different world" and walks over to the counter to get her coffee.
> On her return I catch her attention because I want to share that I never see some of the Starbucks staff leave.
> She replies, "but yeah, they're getting paid to be here.
> Different world." And before I could retort she stepped through the door and gone.I wanted to share that I'm getting paid too, but then thought wait not really.
> And it induced a massive self-reflective trigger and I started to get incredibly self conscious, started to feel the loser vibe, and demeaning myself for being unsuccessful and lost.And now I sit here typing this feeling compelled to share it.Why?
> I think because I want to know if I'm being paranoid and delusional.
> If being in Starbucks all day working makes me a weirdo — when we all know I've been a weirdo long before.
> Haha.Anyhow.
> Not sure what to make of it all.Am I looking for meaning where there is none?Am I wanting to fall into a morning mind-trap (like a bear trap on your leg) holding you in a mind-space that fucks with you in some manner — anxiety, depression, malaise, melancholy, whatever — it has you in its grip, the harder you fight the more it hurts?
> Is that what I'm up to?
> Dude, I'm crying right now because I missed a phone call from a recruiter on May 15 for something I applied for it was with Deloitte and they needed a UXUI person.
> I just called her back to let her know that I am still available and looking, and she confirmed that the position had been filledThat's like a knife in the heart
> Ok i'm leaving this brewery.
> It's the third one I've been to and the third beer I've had tonight which is enough for me.
> Fortunately I don't have to drive far and I'm not wasted and I'm actually not even buzzed.
> I'm sleepy.
> I was on side of the road waiting for orders and nodded in and out of sleep thanks to Mr koombyah at seven in the morning with his fucking acoustic guitar.
> I could've smashed over his fucking head.Anyhow I suddenly hear the ding for an order so I accept it and drive to get it while I'm waiting for the order to come up, I look at my text messages, and apparently the DoorDash app was pinging me, but I didn't hear it which is weird because it's loud and I always hear it.
> I looked at the text and it appears as though I missed five or six deliveries, which is mind blowing that ring six times and I wouldn't hear itAnyhow, I don't have anybody to talk to about this and maybe I should just text myself or text dead end instead of bugging you with this bullshit anyhow that's it
> I've gone down a rabbit hole and have coded my own application that runs on my laptop that turns my text into an audio file of a voice reading.
> Now I tried getting into the play dot HTAPI and connect to the voice that I made on their platform, but it won't let me in unless I pay.So I am now working with AI to set up Mazzola's model on my machine and I'm going to teach it and then have it create a voicemail for me
> Not feeling good.
> Just mentally in.
> A 🪣 I find myself thinking about Jenica daily.
> I really miss her
> Dashing for another 45 mins.
> Been up since 5:30 amFeeling a lot of anxiety Not feeling well today at all.I miss my connection to her badly.
> It's hurting today.Feeling incredibly compelled to reach out to her.
> Yesterday was one month since she texted me.
> She said she really didn't want to be in connection anymore and that fucking killed me and I didn't never texted back after that.
> I never got on my mind and what's in my heart.
> The thing that's probably most frustrating is that I don't have anything positive in my life.
> The last thing I had was Jenica and she's gone.
> And I absolutely do not feel right in pursuing relationships because I'm financially worthless.I think I'm just overwhelmed from having an interview and I'm pretty damn sure it's not gonna go beyond just that interview so I'm sort of morning having an interview and having a BVN at the same time.I'm not optimistic.
> Why should I be?
> I've got no reason to be I've been here for going on 14 months and as far as I know, I'll be here for 14 more that won't happen because I will absolutely check out.
> There's no fucking way I can do much more.
> OK, remind me to tell you about late afternoon stress about the phone bill and asking Liz to pay the last 300 on it so I can switch the line over to just me because right now.
> It's a business plan phone and I can't switch it until it's paid, and I guess if she doesn't pay then I lose my phone so if you can't get a hold of me by the phone tomorrow, you know I lost my line
> And if you can't get a hold of me because I lost my phone, I'll let you know.
> I reminded Liz I paid for the phone for the entire family from last May onwards when I was homeless and unemployed, I didn't mention that I paid with retirement money for that and liquidated myself, but that's not the point, the point is I paid when I should've been covering that bill and put me on my own line.
> Anyway, I'm freaked the fuck out so.
> It's just hitting me a minute ago that I really don't have anything to live for right now.
> I got nothing going on in my life no job no house.
> I just got a pile of shit in storage in a car so I mean it's a good time to check out there's not a lot of shit to deal with when I'm gone, least I'm thinking about others.Getting sets of depression.I'm borrowing the analogy of set of waves.
> So I get a wave it subsides it comes again.
> It's subsides.
> It comes again.
> It subsides it comes again and then it subsides for maybe a while and then my mind will be right back at it againI'm fighting my brain .And I discovered that I'm too lazy to commit suicide
> I know for a fact that the drive from St.
> George Utah north to Grand River is doable, but it's the stretch from grand River in the Colorado that has the bit of elevation and just enough distance that it makes it sketchy for me.I think you recall the story I told where I had only 5 miles left in my battery.That was on my journey from here to you
> Only got about 10 minutes left and haven't gotten any orders.
> Today sucked.
> I made $15 today.I don't know what I'm gonna do about my car and in another week I have to pay for my storage place too.I had an idea where I would take a carload of stuff with me every time I leave storage and just leave my stuff randomly on corners all over Ojai just free somebody can pick it up and take it
> Dealing with one of the things I got on my plate is a lot for somebody.
> I've got multiple and it's exponential and I've been at it for over a year.
> I can't tell you how much my neck and shoulders and head hurt from all the tightness and stress hurts right now this very moment like a throbbing headache, but there's nothing I can do about it.
> It's just there every day now, that showed up this weekend and has never gone away
> I really wanna text her so badly.
> I just send three words.
> I miss you.
> I'm sure you can understand why people wanna make it stop.OK, my car is somewhat ready for me to climb in the back and go to sleep.
> Although I have set my alarm for 12:30 AM and wake up so I can get first pick at the DoorDash schedule for the next day which is a week out.the only thing I have left here is next Saturday's end of year dart partyafter that, the only reason to be here is my stuff and my kids.Just hit me that is taken off at the end of this summer.
> Aidan's already gone and kicked on the curtain after fucking giving my life for that woman to do that race.
> This is the fucking thanks I get for a life of committment and dedication to support her racing.All I see is a self serving entitled avoidant emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissist now.Some may say "bitch"but I find the word "Cunt" to be much sharper and one less letter
> I'm gonna sit in the air conditioning at Starbucks for a few hours get on the laptop.
> I haven't been online since around Friday at noon.Right around then my head started to spiral and I lost the rest of the day.
> No productivity at all.
> No one ever reaches out to understand or ask questions, so people know nothing.
> When there's a void, people feel the impulse to fill the space.I have no friends, no money, and no place to stay.
> I'm alone 99% of the time, and Darrel is the only person I text.
> I've been working 8 days a week for over a year trying to get the missing items from the bottom of Maslow's pyramid put in place.If anyone thinks for a nanosecond that I'm choosing to be in this space or stay here—or that I'm not trying or being picky about a job — in fact, I had my first interview OF THIS YEAR this past Friday selected from over 400 applicants for this one position.
> All roles in my field have hundreds of applications—true documented fact.I'm about as earnest as they come.
> I'm really at the point where I have nothing to lose except myself.
> I can't stop thinking about Jenica.
> I know she texted she didn't "really" want to be in contact.We left it as friends and I started texting her like a friend and I think that made it harder for her So...
> I want to let her know that I think about her.
> That's about it.
> I don't expect a reply, but I never replied to that last message when she sent the "really" messageLet me know if I think sending that text would be harmful to my connection to her
> The card and it automatically took $20 out of my Dasher account.
> So the money I made on my last cash is gone.
> I don't have any water I'm kind of fucked
> No end of year dart party for me today.
> 😢Made hundreds of dollars to pay my car and I only have $15 left.Dashing now but no orders.Its potluck and byob.I'm not going to show up empty handed that's not ok with me.I probably caught some breaks making money this week to pay the car, which is great, but then to not be able to go have fun (how often is that in my life now?) really sucks when I've been looking forward to it for months.Ok.
> Done ranting.I have one more 30minute window for dashing before the party today.The other 2 dash spots I have today are during the dart event today.So I can go make a lillte money ($15) while I miss the event.I accept it.
> It's my life
> I also had suicidal ideation going on inside my head at Darts, which I found really fucking interesting.
> I was thinking of the way that I could use my current pharmaceutical blend.
> Fuck me up in a way that would just take care of business.
> Paragraph it's just impossible to convey the sense of loss and loneliness that I have.
> Feel like I'm having one of those hundred thousand foot moments of clarity and that is my life simply is not worth living.
> I've had a year of rejection that season no end, I put myself out there because I just wanna make a connection and I made the perfect one only to have it disappear on me like I haven't dealt with enough rejection and lost but to meet her and then have that happen.
> It's just so fucking cruel.
> I'll share that in contacting Jenica today.
> I have closed the loop and closed the door on that possibility.I don't feel sad.
> I feel light.there is knowing that I've now forked off onto another path; she's not in it.I no longer have that gnawing sense that I'm missing out.
> Should've would've could've.I have no doubts now.
> I'm clear.I feel as if there's less stuff going on in my head if that makes any sense.
> More free in the mind.
> Like that's the thing everybody still has is this optimism that things will turn around.
> When you in my situation, there's a certain point where you lose thatToo many days in a row of lost hope.
> It's very much why the fuck bother mode.
> that really sucks.
> I only have 10 minutes left in my window.
> I missed out.
> I'm probably 20 to 30 bucks.
> Part of me is excited I'm not a ghost and really alive.I've gone half a week without saying a word to anybody or even interacting with somebody to the point of something as simple as moving out of the way of somebody when you're walking towards one another.
> Zero interactions with humans and I'm all around them.It's one thing to be off in the fucking Sierra's backpacking off the grid and being alone, but it's mentally fucking crazy to feel , more alone than I do in the wilderness and I'm around all these people
> This companionship, I miss having somebody to hang out with.
> I didn't have that for a long time with Elizabeth.
> It's really sad when I think about it.
> Part of why I think she wants a divorce is because she realizes deep down just how much she ignored me and gave up on meIt's still blows my mind that she never asked me once if I was OK, I feel all right, can I get you help?
> I got you need to go see someone.On the one hand, she said I don't wanna be your therapist.
> Which is fine and dandy but then do I not talk about anything that's on my mind or that I'm struggling with?
> That's where I got lost so I just didn't share anything because everything I had to share was related to me not feeling good.
> They were depression and yeah , it just blows my mind.
> She isn't honoring her vows and like not even trying like she phoned it in which is it insult to the injury for me like compound that I'm invisible.
> Feeling numb today.
> Was pushing myself so hard since parents left.
> Like a whole month of pushing hard.
> I paid my car and storage, that's about it.I can't put in all those hours every month for just my car and storage.
> I'm quite certain no matter what I do it won't change my perspective that I had it and lost it all.I'm just too fucking tired.
> I don't want to rebuild my life.
> I said that a fucking year agoI mean, had I checked out last year during that time.
> Look where I am now, I'm in the same fucking spot, pretty good chance I'll probably be in the same fucking spot of year from nowAgain what the fuck am I here for there's no purpose to my existence .
> FYI, I got great feedback from my client in his response to me today.
> Some good actionable items to make the app better and he had some open questions for me and I had answers and it felt so really good too.
> Move a project forward.So what I did was invoice him for the last grand of the estimate.
> I ran a report on my time and.
> I went into prototyping and blew the roof off the fucking budget I've invest grand extra of my time.
> I did mention in my note that I'm invoicing for the last bit because I've gone over the estimate but that's on me.
> That's my issue with estimating not his issue.
> been going nonstop since 630 and haven't stopped to take any kind of fucking breakGonna stop dashing at 2 o'clock and start back up at four because I don't want to miss the 730 to 930 window.
> You get three extra dollars per delivery which realistically I'll make about 10 bucks extra bucks in those two hours, that's about it.
> As things stand right now I'm at just over $40.
> i'm dashing until 630 then I'm going to charge my car because I'm at about 30 miles left so I can be ready for 730 to 930.
> They have a promo you get three dollars extra every order so like I said it might be 10 more bucks, but yeah, I'm probably gonna end up with about 140for just under 12 hours of driving
> I met with Michael the owner.
> His wife was already gone on her business trip, Elie the dog is super cute and totally a lover.
> It's going to be a very chill week at the beach for me.
> We are one block from the sand so I get to go, walking on the beach every morning.They take off tomorrow around 6 PM so that's fine.
> I have a busy day of paperwork and writing and then want to get my paperwork as far along as I can.
> I'm feeling that in the end, I may come out of this in a better situation than I had at Thacher with her.Not that I'm wanting revenge or get the upper hand, no, I feel deeeeep sadness and grief for losing hold of myself inside my life and losing it all.I have to live with that the rest of my life.
> I HAVE accepted this fact and that it will not go away.I've learned to reflect and learn from it and move the fuck onward.
> Just done with therapy session with Laurie.
> Was really really good to tell her all that's gone on.
> Too much for one hour, but she's caught up on the big picture
> I tried to be good.
> I'm only put four things on my list today.
> One of which is trying to get my prescriptions refilled for my depression medication.
> I've got five days of it left and I'm hoping I can get a refill.
> My paperwork isn't fully in.
> Medi-Cal.
> I mailed it Two weeks ago.
> not sure if going back into the car is triggering anxiety.What I do know is that my neck is messed up.I need some serious chiro/massage combination.
> Sucks is I have no money to get ANY kind of treatment.And that's the least of my troubles now.
> Over 2 car payments behind.
> Still waiting for payment.Have 2 days left on one of my 3 depression meds.I can't get a refill.I'm not with Cerebral anymore, they were costing $85 a month so had to cancel.
> Cerebral is where I worked with the psych nurse over 18 months to get it dialed in and over this last month I've felt better, not great, but not crying everyday.
> Also, need to drive up to Ojai, which means I have to doordash for 2 hours to affored to be able to drive up to Thacher, storage, and back down here.
> So more doordash today, and everyday is exactly the same.I'm well past "beginning to" lose my mind.
> My mind was lost long ago.
> And as I was leaving campus, Aidan drives by me.
> I waved Adam and he just stares straight ahead.
> Totally fucking ignoring me.
> I'm going to self help center at courthouse.
> Going to make an appt first thing 8am tomorrow.
> First come first serve every morning for limited spots.
> Been waiting until my paperwork is ready for review.They will review it to make sure its complete and nothing is missing.I will ask them based on what you see here, is anything missing that the court would expect?Are there any "incomplete" areas or dead-ends inside this legally?Missing or incomplete statements?Any vulnerabilities?If so, what/where are they?What is most efficient way to resolve these to support the overall case?
> Played summer league tonight as a substitute player.Came down to 701 tiebreaker.Each team all players in rotation.First to zero wins.HAVE to double out to win.Was left with 32 left to win.Hit double 16, outer ring and my team wins the night.Step to the oche.Like meditation, in breath, Out breath.
> All good whole time focused on the slice of board I need to hit.First dart 🎯 MAGIC DARTS !!!!HIT IT SOLIDLY with authority Got 👋 high fives from every single player on my team or not.We win.
> 🏆 So rewarding and incredibly satisfying to look at the dartboard pick a spot, focus, deep breath.I'm one of 10 people playing the game taking turns.
> Im shooting "cleanup" at the end of team rotation.There are 20+ people watching from the bar area, including bartenders watching in background ( you're very aware of their eyes on you, everyones anticipatory energy in the air, but I've learned to make them disappear )Look at the slice of double 16 bottom left and visually see the arc I need to throw in order to land it.I aim, then I don't think,a snap of the arm back and forward to release...Before anyone else can tell, I see it leave my hand and go exactly where I was looking 👀 all the time not thinking about the movement of my hand rather I'm think about the arc and getting the dart on the right path.It lands dead center and I immediately fist pump and then everyone realizes that I hit, first dart.MAGIC DARTS!!!
> I've been thinking maybe I need to get back to canvases.
> I left that all behind once I got online — sad actually.
> Even if I did one hour per week over all those years I would have amassed a body of work.
> But then what do I have artistically?
> Not much.Nothing I would call art.
> My design work for software does have an artistic aspect to it, but the craft is dominated by other interests influencing direction, namely business goals 😊
> Feeling super lost right now.Done practicing darts.
> Clueless what to do next.
> I could dash but I'll wait for dinner hours.I'm just super alone.
> Even with coming here, it just distracts me from all the other plates I'm spinning.
> I should have been doing that during my relationship.I'd probably have a couple books worth of material from 30 years, ya think?Fuck, reminds me about 1998 thinking "why the fuck would I start a blog, nobody gives a shit about what I think."If only I had it would be an amazing repository of work, projects, experiences, and moments many of which are totally lost in the mental archives.
> At this time I would find it interesting to say "5 years ago today...
> 10 years ago today...
> 20 years ago today...
> 30 years ago today..."Every day gives you these signposts looking back.
> Really powerful
> Obviously I wasnt awake when I was married and raising kids.
> Lost in my anxiety and depression 24/7 without even knowing it — it was my baseline ‘normal' and I just kept accepting less and less from Liz.
> I'm as much to blame as her.
> Takes 2 to tango, and I know because I've actually tangoed with Liz during dance lessons.Sucks to be awake now and not get your life back.I mean it would be another episode of Black Mirror if Liz suddenly had a change of heart and wanted me back.
> Amirite?
> I mean, that's probably something I miss the most is just eating halfway decent food.
> I eat a lot of reconstituted chicken and reconstituted turkey and it's fucking gross.
> If I ever get a job again I will never eat that shit ever again in my life.
> I'd rather eat hard-boiled eggs
> Get out of the car at Darts and look down and see this and go wow that looks a lot like the headphone I've been missing all week.
> Sure enough it is.
> It fell out of my pocket last week and now I'm here to play and I back up right over the top of it
> I cant dash in Ventura Right now.
> I dont have dash anytime privledges because I didnt dash yesterday.
> Only day off in forever and I lost Platinum level.
> Please stop what you're doing and for 10 seconds think about that.
> The entire life not knowing what Neurotypical is like.
> It's in one sense totally tragic, but in the same breath if I could flip a switch and live at least time I have left different way it would be nice
> I'm always reminded of the quotation from Michael Jordan, "you miss 100% of the shots you never take."And like I've shared previously I know that fear has caused me not to take shots over the course of my life and I definitely have missed 100% of those.
> Maybe the lesson I'm supposed to be learning is to live without fear.
> I don't know what the lesson is but that is certainly something that is in my face and I am keenly aware of it
> BTW, 24 days in a row of meditation.
> Only mention it because I'm feeling the benefit of not missing a day.Yesterday was first day in a long while where I didnt have at least one cry/breakdown.
> Anyhow, wanted to share
> Im also going to text Jenica tomorrow and let her know I'm at the beach house until the 25th and that it would be great to see her before I takeoff at the end of the month.I've been reading her horoscope since I saw her and it's been saying she's having a lot of doubt and uncertainty I'm guessing it's with her relationship.
> But who knows.I put my intention into the universe that I want to be brought back together with her somehow and I'm not going to be neurotic about itI know I spent untold amounts of energy worrying about Liz leaving me and it came true.
> So I know this shit works
> I have one question for youI've been keeping a tight eye on the horoscopes.
> And it seems Jenica is going through a rough time right now and if I'm to believe how it aligns with me, I know it aligns with her because we're both affected by energy that way.I want to text her And let her know I am here at this address until the 25th and then I'm likely leaving California and don't know if I'm coming back and that I would like to see her one more time before I go if for coffee or beer or the best would be to cook her dinner and have her come over I miss her terribly
> just pinged Laurie for some advice.
> Let her know what I did today.Mentioned I feel compelled to work and get busy.However fear the possiblity of "stuffing it down" and not allowing space for whatever needs to happen, grief, sadness, optimism, etc.
> Essentially let the brain process
> She suggested "Take a long hike and listen to an affirmation heavy podcast.
> Even http://hypnotherapy.com would be wonderful.
> Let the grief be there be present to it.
> It will pass in due time."\
> Hey.
> Hope things are good there.
> Still alone, lost, and outcast.Same shit, for another day.I'm so done with this
> After I sent you that text about putting myself out there I went back to the app screen and the bumble dating app is staring me right in the face when I haven't used it since I connected with Jenica.
> In fact I deleted my account we both did.
> We didn't wanna date anyone else Thought it was a good matchHowever she has things she wants in a partner and one who is being financially stable and that's not me.It hurts so fucking much that the reason I lost her is because of money.It makes me so angry
> here's the email.—Hi,Can you cover this insurance this month?
> I paid last month by borrowing money from someone after you told me you couldn't because of helping Aidan.I've paid for Subaru's insurance while unemployed and homeless, liquidating retirement funds (I have no retirement money of any kind).
> I have zero personal resources, I have $8 in my pocket right now.If insurance is lost, I'll be on the street.
> I have no other options.Could you please help me stay off the street?I need more runway, but I can't seem to find it.
> :-(--Side note:Depression has been off the charts.
> I've had my hardest days ever recently.
> I'm on max medications.
> It's hard to do basic self-care because I don't want to; because why bother?There is no future, hope, or optimism—I've lost all that; you lose it.
> You wake up with more rejection coming from all angles of my life, dreading every day for over two years.
> I wake up wondering why I woke up.
> I just take up space and am of service to no one.
> No one needs me; I'm unloveable and unworthy, so I want to go away.I'm simply trying to exist, and that is a struggle.And honestly, I'm not sure if it's a struggle worth continuing.I don't see anything hopeful or positive ahead for me.
> Every day, I wake up and go through the day only to have it show me there is no hope.
> Only more suffering and pain—that's all I've had every day for years now.
> Kindness was my default, and now I struggle to find it.I'm not trying to play you, pluck heartstrings, or manipulate you in any way.I'm telling you about my situation, daily recurring thoughts, and my current daily life experience, which is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy (not that I have one).At a point where I don't have many options left.And even with all that, I hope you are well and think of you often.Be well,Bert
> any thoughts on this?
> Of course the morning after I see shit...I just dont know if this is worth sending.
> The comments about never see or talk again.
> I could make it more if I see you I wont engage with you because I have a boundary and you're not allowed in my world.Also, I'm wondering if she's having second thoughts now that she's staring at the paperwork....Its a different thing to say it, and then see it in your hands....I have not access or insight into what's going on for her so I'm lost as to what to do, other than be quiet, which is what I always do and don't want to do in this instance.
> So there are a lot of questions there: should I sit and wait?
> I know she's going up for the parent's weekend 28th 29th thing.
> That would be the kind of event where we're both there for one of our kids, but we would be brought together somehow.
> I don't know.
> I guess I got a look inside my heart and see if there's anything there for her.
> Right now, I don't feel it.
> I've gone through so much trying to get to where I am and get some semblance of valance that I haven't had in a long time
> right now I'm stuck with 17 miles left in my battery and I am waiting in line 2nd car deep waiting for a charger I have my dash unpause but that only lasts for 30 minutes and then they kick you out.
> So I gotta I can get on a charger soon and hope that toggling the weight is will work and keep me on the dash
> I can't believe I fucking did that.
> I didn't think there be enough opportunity but there it is.
> I'm so exhausted I have no energy left I'm in Ojai and now headed back to Ventura to go to sleep
> Good morning or should I say good nightYes yesterday my delivery count had fallen to 74 and I'm up to 88 the goal is 100 that's platinum level and that is unfettered dashing whenever the fuck you want.
> It's hard to keep your deliveries that high unless you're doing 3 to 4 deliveries a day.
> If you miss a day you gotta make up those 3 to 4 on some other day so the more days you miss The more you gotta do each day spread out overtime if that makes any damn sense at all.
> I was only able to get one today
> And I gotta make the comment driving around in society and seeing happy people makes me madI want to be happy too but I don't have the foundation upon which to make that happen at this moment.
> People will say you need nothing to be happy just being.
> Fuck that, that's bullshit.Psychologically it's impossible trust me I would be there if it was possible.
> You need to have your basic needs met.
> I'm the last motherfucker that wants to suffer.
> I've lived my whole life avoiding suffering from my father and then at imaginary bullshit in my life so I'm well-versed in this world of suffering.it's just frustrating not to have basic needs taken care of this long it fucks your head up.
> I know why so many truly homeless are so mentally fucked up because it screws with you hard-core it destroys your sense of self and worth.
> It just fucking obliterates it that's why you see so many homeless people that look like fucking zombies they're just lost they've lost their identity and essentially lost their humanity because they don't feel part of this world that we're all walking around in with lattes in our hand
> I'm starting to feel more like shit as the day goes on.
> The shit being depression and being alone and lonely on the weekends when everybody's having fun with friends or their lovers.I have to face the fact it's gonna be a very long fucking time before I have that.
> It's been a very long time since I've had that longer than a few months.
> Hell I'm not even sure I had that.
> I think I did it one point but I lost my fucking way
> I'm not time traveling but I can't deny the fact that all the shit I've gone through is put me in where I am right now.
> A lot of that has to do with negative thinking and that is a fucking nut that is next to impossible to crack for me.
> I've been negative thinking as far back as I have memories I always see what's not there what's lacking.
> I never see what is there what is good I just see what's missing, Broken, a skew or out of place
> I've got 20 minutes left in this dash to the bottom of the hour.
> And then I'm headed back to the house to start cleaning and packing.
> The hosts arrive tomorrow morning so I need to wake up and go I won't have time for deep cleaning anything
> Go ahead.
> I cried on the beach this morning realizing that I wouldn't be there if I had checked out.
> Leaving the house 20 mins ago I felt like things were stable for a few days.
> anyhow.
> I start dashing at one and not done until seven.
> Totally depressed.Summer is gone at the end of the week and that makes two summers I'll never get back
> its easy to think of things when you've had your basic needs met and haven't gone without.
> I'm working from that lacking space.Add depression and ADDAdd a mind that has been traumatized from this experience and divorce, and trying to heal both of those, and the deep shadow shit.Not giving excuses, just pointing out that I have to put out alot of effort just to get to your baseline, and then pushing beyond—which I've done all fucking summer.Still in the same place
> Depth of lonelinessOnly you knowSleeping in your carNowhere is homeI know no-oneAnd no-one is mea message in a bottleMy heart and mind Feel lost at seaInto the abyssOf loneliness I goI go with the flowWith nowhere to goSome might sayThis is your timeWorking on your beingAnd you wonderIf living another dayIs really worthGetting upShowing upAnd the effortalmost 600 daysLost at seaThe message in the bottleThe message is meThe hamster wheel callsWith promises of progressTo nowhere
> Feeling pretty down right now.
> Did some shadow work and doing the integrating I can feel it I've integrated huge portion of my anger because it's on the surface.I find that the anger gives me a foundational confidence in a way that is basically saying if you fuck with me I'm gonna bring it physically verbally whatever.
> I am not putting up with what I feel is abuse towards me.Those days are long fucking gone
> I got 40 minutes until the sun goes below the horizon so I'm gonna try to catch that unfortunately For me I will be doing it with a very lonely heart tonight.Yesterday I fucking lost it and started screaming at the top of my lungs at the universe for fucking me over by allowing me to meet her and then take her away from me.There's a cruelty to that on top of what I'm already dealing with divorce wise in terms of my sense being
> I don't wanna walk away from what could potentially be one of the greatest relationships Ever.
> I just don't understand why I feel that leaving me and choosing not to be in a relationship with me simply over money does feel shallow I've sat and thought deeply about the idea of truly loving someone.When you really love someone everything else is irrelevant.
> I know this because I had that feeling for decades with Elizabethand that slowly died on the vine which is incredibly sad.
> If she had stuck it out with me she'd be so fucking stoked right now because I am so different than I was before.
> You will see for yourself at some point if I ever make it out there
> I am prepared for either answer.
> I just dropped off the paperwork she needs to fill out for the next step in the process.
> I left her a note with that saying filing those papers was the hardest goddamn thing I've ever had to do because I don't want it.
> But I'm giving you what you want and I realize sometimes talking about it and facing reality are different.
> So I'm here if you wanna talk and that's it
> I just wrote this from my heart in Elizabeth's text channel and nearly hit send.
> However I would like you to read it before I send it you should also know I hand wrote a note to her and left it with her response paperwork.I reiterated to her that I don't want this and that I am still open to talking this through
> What I left today was the response paperwork.A part of me still doesn't want this.
> And you should know that straight from me.A part of me will never give up on you.That part of me wants to actively listen to the person i gave my heart to before I walk away.Only for understanding to be a better person, and to simply listen.
> My heart is wide open.But if its to be,And if you don't want me,fine i accept it and I need to move on.Sitting in a liminal space is good for no one.
> It's past midnight actually quarter to one.
> I am up thinking about Jenica.
> I miss her so intensely.I want to feel her love again.Something is telling me not to give up on her.
> It's a why she keeps coming into my head when I don't want her to.
> I had to rebuild everything the other day.
> Something got fucked up.
> Lost 2 days of work.
> But I'm on the precipice of publishing a far more streamlined homepage.
> I am not achieving anything and at this rate nothing's gonna change so I have to be done with this.Just like Liz gets to choose a divorce without consulting me.I can choose to end my fucking life without saying a word to anyoneYou just wont hear from me anymore because I'm gone.Just like Elizabeth abandoning me, I'm want to abandon lifeI don't want what I have and I don't want this future or the rest of this life because it's not what I want
> True?Did you want this?I want to make certainThat you want thisI filed because you hadntAnd thought this is What you wantedThats why it showed upDont have to answer nowYou have forgotten...You are my sunshine my only sunshine.I find it heartbreakingly sad to not have an honest down to earth conversation about this before signing all this paperI'm not trying to manipulate you, I'm asking for an opportunity for a conversation.
> I'm simply looking for understanding.
> It simply drives me nuts to be going through all this paperwork when deep down I don't know why I'm doing thisIt's just a real shame.The other night I remembered you losing your mind when we were visiting Miss Denny in Wyoming.The boys were young and you were really angry with me because I wasn't supporting you with triathlon.
> I remember I was complaining in the car while we were driving thereYou told me that instant if you don't change I'm gonna fucking leave you when the kids are old enough.
> You burn that into the synapses of my brain.
> You were so incredibly angry with me.
> Then all I wanted to do was correct the issue and not be a problemI did nothing but support you as best I could And you made it to Kona.All those years ago making the sacrifices watching the boys while you bicycles to magic Mountain and I would pick you up either from cycling or you're running in 110°.Back then I did that knowing that sometime in the future all this sacrifice him being apart would be worth it because we'd be able to be together again after the boys got olderIt just simply breaks my heart eternallyThis whole time I feel kind of stiff armed to borrow a phrase kept at a distance You saying very littleAs if by communicating with me in an honest way is somehow going to lead me to believe that there's some kind of Rosie future here.
> I just wanna understand you.
> I've spent more than half of my life with you and leaving you without understanding why really hurts😭😭😭You said in the email you want to be amicable.
> For that to happen You have to communicate with me.There is no being amicable without communicating with me.I know you won't reply to these text messages, which proves my point.
> Again there is no amicability without respect and communication And I've communicated both in handwritten messages email and text that I am more than willing to have a conversation.We can go through all the paperwork but there is no moving forward in amicability until you talk to me it's just a simple as thatFor someone who prides themselves on Word of honor and integrity, I find your behavior in complete conflict to that.
> How do you handle that contradiction??Totally gobsmacked by you and your behavior.
> Drove across town after soending $20 charging and they left before i got here.Want a beer to be a patron and shoot.
> I feel weird walking in using the boards and leaving.I have $6Beers are 8 :-(Sux.
> Want to shoot.
> I could drive over to Poseidon and get a half pint for four bucks and shoot darts.
> Sux being alone
> K Leaving surfers Point I have some nice photos of sunset from out at the end of Ventura pier.
> I've already started collecting photos that I'm going to sell.
> And with the help of AI and some good strategic SCO I could get my photos showing up for photos of Ventura or Ventura Beach photos
> Also knowing that I was on the other side of the wall from Jenica yesterday yeah I didn't see her makes me know that she avoided coming to that side and seeing me once she heard from her friends that I was over there.
> And her friend Carrie who I consider a friend Was wondering why I hadn't left for Colorado yet because that's what I said was going on and I replied that I was waiting to hear about this job interview because that will determine how fast I get out there.
> That said there's still a lot I need to have happen moneywise like thousands and thousands of dollars needs to show up for all the things I have to pay and if that money fails to show up it's time to fold up the tent
> I would also like to ask Elizabeth if her father would have let her mother go homeless after divorce?I mean its a legitamate question in my mind because NO he wouldn't.I want her to see the hypocrisy she lives.
> I want to call her out on that AND in front of the boys.Shes dishonorable, callous, and spiteful and stoic.She "phoned in" her couples therapy sessions with me.I'm NOT going to send all this to LIZ,I'm going to send JOANNA the fucking tell all.All the dirty little fucking details Elizabeth left out of her story she sold Joanna.Joanna had the gall to say to me..."Elizabeth could have had anyone, she could have married anyone" when she picked me up from the airport when I came back from colorado.
> I think I have another hour of dashing left, but they gave me two orders were deliveries to a place that's closed like it's a convenience store but they closed at 10 and it sent me there at like 10 after and then 1015 so I got paid half the amount on both of them which may be seven bucks but free money
> by the way I told my mom to tell your mom to get on the rosary for me put in a favor to hook me up with this job because it would be really awesome to come out there and have this lined up and be able a few weeks of getting there get my own place.
> You can come help me pick it out because you know the area and I know you guys have gone and looked at a bunch of places before so you know what the deal is out there
> In a way for me communicating with her by email and sharing where I'm at and my feelings in a way is closure for me, I can feel good about moving on if she's not interested in me because I will have communicated my feelings to her and that's it that's all I can do .
> I just wish I could send her the news that I have a new gig and things are gonna be OK for me but it sucks that I've not been able to do that.Part of the reason I've been a hermit is because I didn't want to go through having my heartbroken again like I did with Jenica otherwise I would've still be going out to try to meet WomenMy hunch is Jenica probably thinks I've gone on and kept on dating or something.
> She has no idea I've been a hermit.
> It will make her sad to hear that but my depression and other mental shit gets in the way
> I'm grateful to have a car I'm grateful I have clothes I'm grateful for a lot of things.
> But I'm missingsome things.
> I hate to think that having a place to live and having a job with pay me to have resources to live is somehow going to "make me happy"Is that placing false hope in something that may not happen?
> Or does the place to live and resources create a platform for to come around
> That's what I thought I was communicating.
> No it has not come in.
> Declan has gone up and checked and does not see it in the package room nor does he see it in the mail room.
> So it's somewhere between the post office and the school
> Where will I sleep tonight?
> How much battery will I have after I get up into Ojai?
> Will I have enough battery to get up to Thacher and back down to the charger?
> What will I do for dinner?
> And for water?
> No money to get anything.
> Have a little peanut butter and jelly.
> And I'm leaving Ventura so I won't be near the supercheap supermarket
> I lost my match to Tim the number two in the county he swept me 11 games to nilThat said there were three games where I was ahead and had a chance to shoot and win the game in each one of those games and just missed and he stepped up and won the game so even though it's a sweep I could have won three of those games And it could've been 11 to 3.This is a guy who has roughly a 60 point average for three darts which if you're an amateur that is high high-level amateur because once you get into 70 and low 80s you're at low end of the pros
> I left my coffee and phone on a 2 seat table and went outside to get my computer and big battery.When I came back in a woman was just about to sit at the table I had my stuff.
> I said, hi that's my stuff I went to get my other stuff.She looked at me blankly.I pointed again to my stuff and said.
> I was here.She said "well I just wanted to sit down and proceeded to somewhat affronted get up and walk away.
> She seemed pissed off.I said you can sit there its fine with me.
> But she kept going.I put my head down and here I am typing.
> let it go and return to the nothingness all night at dartsI'm going to email the president of the league this weekend and tell him of my situation and ask to kindly and hopefully quietly let me bow out without any fuss.I'm ok with it and am not emotionally attached to anything, so I dont feel a loss of any kind.it just isand I have to accept what is — if there's anything I've learned while sitting still its that, acceptance.
> 35 miles left on my car and still have some more miles to go to get where I want to be.
> I'm afraid I'm gonna run out of battery.
> As it is now I can't charge or eat so I'm kind of fucked
> GmPolice woke me up with flashlights shining in my car in middle of the night.Told me I cant park in an empty parking lot over night as I have for a year.Didnt argue, just said ok, amd they leftPretty sure u cannot be ticketed for being homeless in CA but I need to research itLike i need anything else to do
> —I want to send you something that will make you laugh and put a smile on your face.I know this bit I'm sharing because I watched his entire standup this was in.
> Never heard of Tom Segura before, but he's a great storyteller and makes me laugh.This is less than 5 mins.Its a great story, told by a proand its really good.
> I wont spoiler, just take 5 and watch.—And thank you, from the bottom of my heart—if there is a bottom—for putting up with my remote rants.
> I may as well be in a space capsule above earth spinning around watching everyone live their lives, while I text my rants from orbit via sattelite.Only missing the space capsule and being in outerspace.Ok, enjoy.And ❤️ U too.
> need to get car insurance set back up.
> Otherwise remainder of day is getting car fully charged at Vta Mall; drive to storage in Ojai, continue getting rid of things, move stuff into smaller unit.
> Once that is done there is nothing stopping me from leaving here other than saying goodbye to the boys
> --I'm likely to have storage done tomorrow and COULD leave as early as Sunday amHOWEVER, who wants to take off for 1,000 mile drive with "Destination Unknown"I'm sure its fine, but I've lost my ability to laugh at nuance....
> especially around beds and toilets.😊 Anyhow...
> dont know if you get what I mean but there it is.
> I did.—Nothing.
> Im selling some stuff and am paying Declan to help me get it gone.
> I'll have the stuff listed online soon and its should go fast.
> Declan wants my desk and chair he told me hes putting it in his room.
> Aidan said he wanted the keyboard.Speakers are for either Darragh or Aidan.
> If neither want the Bose Ill sell that as well.All kombucha stuff is being sold.
> —Heres something else I drafted but did not send could you let me know if this is too much—BTW had ojai police shine a light in my car at 3 am telling me that theyll ticket me for being homeless and parking in an empty lot.That was interesting to wake up to.Imagine what it feels like to have someone randomly shine a light in your face while sleeping and then threatening you....I moved out to make you feel safe and comfortable.An extraordinary kindness.While my safety sleeping on streets in Ventura and Oxnard is definitely not par to the living standards to which I have become accustomed to over nearly a quarter century living behind the gates of Thacher.18 months of less than equal treatment.Says ALOT about you.I would not let you sleep in your car were the shoe on the other foot.
> —GM.Hope Monday is OK for you.Some thoughts from this morning that I texted Laurie.
> Thought you should read it.—Moving from one end of the storage unit to the other—hit me hard— I suddenly saw it as a pivot point.
> I got emotional walking away from my old storage spot.
> I had spent many days and nights there playing darts alone.
> I set my board up inside my unit and could stand outside it with the door opened wide, and stand in the hallway to shoot into my unit at the board I bolted to the gray cinder block wall of a storage unit ( I have photo receipts 😊I moved into that unit from the house directly, so there was a mix of raw angry energy from the past lingering, lost and confused energy from the void times, and more recent energy that I'm unsure how to look at yet.
> Going to take car rental and go.
> Where do I sit around here for five days.
> I'd have to park in Walmart and stay there the entire time and not move the car because I can't burn more battery I have about 20 miles left.
> That would get me from here to U-Haul but like I said they are not gonna have a tow equipment in until next week
> Can barely move today mentally.
> Feel brain dead.If I'm not working on my shit I feel worthless.
> Sitting around thinking ive nothhing to do isnt something Im comfortable with when my life is fucked.And Jenica is still showing up in my thoughts despite consciuosly letting go many times.My depression isnt going away.
> Doubt it ever will.
> What a fun time.
> The one thing I want, a relationship-someone to hang out with, isnt going to happen.I will remain a hermit until I feel worthy.
> And sadly that time may never come.
> Thats whats playing out now...Although not sleeping in my car and hustling to stay malnourished I dont miss, my head and thoughts arent moving.Im really fed up with being alive.
> Just walked into CavegirlWas packed.
> No seating.
> Not my vibe at that moment.
> Felt shut out so I left.Now sitting alone in the carFiguring out where to go.
> —Weird times in Target.Fucked up attitude towards buying anything over $2Spent an hour walking around feeling lost, alone, and isolated.
> Lack of familiarity and not knowing where there are places I could go alone to hang out, and not feel like an oddball or the loner every ones staring at.Strong desire to isolate and keep to myself.
> The less people I know the better only because I'm tired of masking and no one wants to hang out with an old cranky depressing person when everything out of their mouth is negative.Easy to see how I don't like being with myself.Anyhow, theres no value in sharing my brain 🧠 nonsense so I'll stop.
> Best I can make of it isI want to be left aloneI would ideally like to have a small (studio) place to myself away from anywhere with ppl densityMaybe visit others if the chance presented itselfOtherwise id be content living alone, as in ted kasinki unibomber alone.Money, things, chasing shit..All meaningless to me.I want for nothing but the suffering for all living beings to no longer exist and lift from their shoulders and allow healing.
> So I sit and wait.I'm a friend of the end.Took a long time but me and the grim reaper can hang out.
> Ive done it alot actually.
> Its not as scary as one would think.
> In fact its fear of letting go, not fear of the reaper.I have no fear of letting go because its all I focus on now.No attachment.Maybe thats why tapping out seems like not a big deal to me.
> Im not attached anymore to ideas or "societies rules" or people, places, things or money.I guess this is where your head ends up after long periods of anhedonia.I find no pleasure in anything.
> Computer, music, art...
> feel like "whatever"Feels more burdensome to try and do things you enjoy only to find yourself in a deeply confusing and unsettled place.When your go tos are gone
> so much to doso little time and another week goes byI have roughly 1,000 weeks of life left — gets me to 75I've watch over 100 WEEKS go by inside this.
> TWO FUCKING YEARS.Two years ago I was at your house in Longmont.
> I remember being told how nice it was at home without me there — and said in that narcissistic way that "you're too sensitive."Yes that 2 years ago this Thanksgiving.I way more sensitive than the neurotypical person.
> So things affect me 10x a normal person.My depression 10xMy anxiety 10xMy capacity to push my mind to tolerate and mask extreme forms of both is pretty starting honestly.
> I can walk into it head on in a "bring it bitches" mode.Anyhow.
> up at 1:30 and need to try to get sleep.I've been learning alot the past two weeks.
> But I've also made no money because the meds made my head non-functional.
> —Neurotypicals, notably buddhists, talk about states of mind being a choice.
> Happiness, anger, melancholy are seen as choices to outside triggers or stimuli.I submit, as a medically labeled neurodivergent, that certain states of mind—no matter how desirable—are simply unattainable for a duration that would make a difference.Any time spent in pursuit is lost and never regained.
> And when ones experience is to submit years of your life to this and feel nothing is beyond discouraging.
> WTF?
> is probably the closest expression that exists.
> Pluto has entered Aquarius and left Capricorn.Wont be back for 230 years.Last time Earth and Pluto were in Aquarius was during American and French Revolution.Less than 2 mins.
> Worth a listen.
> I like this astrology app.
> I'm awake and despite consciously opening my heart in meditaition to process pain and crying — its as if it doesnt matter how much I meditate or cry.
> This is never ending.
> It comes and goes, but always comes back.
> I'm really not excited about tomorrow or the day after that to be honest.
> I was here in this same brain space a year ago when I landed back in Ojai and I started coaching again last season.
> Its all very fresh in my mind—that experience.
> I was optimistic that I was going to land somethign soon.
> I find myself no better off mentally a year later—if anything I feel like I've gone backwards, and my chronic trauma of living in the car, going through an additional rejection and heartbreak took me down to really dark places I didn't want to revisit.I've lost more than a year of my life, and every day that passes is another day closer to the end.
> I'm seemingly kicking a fucking can down the road until I'm dead.I can proclaim time and again how unappealing being alive is.
> neurotypicals DONT get it, and they never will.
> Their brains work different than mine—its not about being special—its about having a fucking brain disease that ruined, and consistently isolates me because I'm a round peg in a square peg world.I'm tired of trying to fit in.
> Honestly not looking forward to holidays — all a painful reminder of what I lost.
> I TRULY would rather be alone than sitting around other people when all I want to do is be in a quiet place and be alone.
> Sitting in places with your depression putting out chronic psychic stench that others easily pick up on.I can consciously push negative energy out of my body and other people pick up on it.
> I know this because I've had several people comment on it when I've had my masking down.Anyhow, I have 5 days to find $500 and its not just figuring out how to find $500, its fighting my own brain that gets in the way.Simply mentally disabled if you ask me, but I'm not a pro.
> hey, didnt get to say goodbye before you split.did yoga nidra for 30 mins and was out for 40 mins total.
> Feel a little better.
> Got some clouds rolling in on the mindscape.
> Not being with the boys at a time when all 3 are in the same place is a rare and lost opportunity to be with them.I'm aware, I'm sensitive too it, and during the holiday season it hurts.I know you can imagine what it would be like if you couldn't be with the girls when they're older and in the same place at the same time.....Online now looking at what the latest opportunities are.
> I'm using custom google query to find what I'm after from specific websites that DONT include Linked In.
> Anyhow.
> I may be up when you get back.
> If not see you in the morning
> A bit distraught tonite.Lizs birthday this week, a trigger for sure.
> Meet with psych people this week and i need to stress to them how dysfunctional and dissociated I feel everyday.
> That im unsure if ive ever lived without being conscious of either anxiety or depression.
> that the second memory I have in my life is "you are to be seen and not heard" from a great grandfather.
> I took that to heart so intensely that I lost myself and was no longer "seen" as well by hiding, stepping back, and other mouse like activities
> Not sure yet.
> Have a door dash roght now However, depression and sadness are amping up because — another weekend, and another week of this.My loneliness has no limit to its depth.This isnt going to leave me, this feeling.Was just lying down to give eyes a rest and Elizabeth came to mind again.
> Anyhow, alive but not living by any stretch of imagination.Very "lost at sea" feeling with no land in sight
> This has to be a subconscious thing for me because my inner dialogue for not wanting to publish my shit is immense.I've had this art poster idea for selling my shit for over two years and have sat on it and essentially procrastinated my way to today.
> If I had published two years ago I may not have ended up in a car living inside of it for a year.I always lament about not starting a blog in the late 90s and starting a YouTube channel in 2006, you know when those opportunities are there and then they're gone, like mining for bitcoin.I think I finally gotten to the point where either way I'm gonna die , and whether I publish this or not it's really not gonna impact the end.
> The end comes whether you want it or not and no amount of anything will stop it
> —Feeling lost and depressed this am.
> Typical.Wont bore u with my bullshit.Im simply sick of consciousness.
> It's no fun.
> Hate this time of year and will as long as Im conscious and breathing.
> —once I'm done chasing butterflies I can go get a mind numbing, soul-sucking, capitalist-whoring, performative jig over time in exchange for money.
> Never mind the loss of the soul.
> I can certainly find something, and not trying to be picky, I'm finally speaking up and saying, "ya'know think about getting triggered and going deeper and darker—totally plausible—be cautious of all people and places."Before I'd bury that thought and go do what others are expecting of me — performative monkey boy.
> Get me a red fez hat and brass cymbals.
> R u Alive today?
> Usually u reply.Anyhow, clouds are moving in on my brain.
> Anhedonia, Loneliness, Grief and tears are all here today.
> Supposed to dash all day.
> Could have made 70-80 today.
> Sux.
> Already missed morning run.Only thing I can do is work on my websites and pray I guess.
> —If Im being honest with myself, Ive given up.Hard not to when u received HUNDREDS of rejections over 18 months and they keep coming.I thought I knew how to do things but apparently my prime time is a boat I missed long ago - thats the feeling.Looking back I made lots of mistakes because I was afraid of being alive.Now the feeling is Im too sad to be alive.
> She came down and asked me how I was doing.
> I started to share and it snowballed until I couldn't stop articulating all the things I keep repeating and looping day after day.I'm simply fed up with not being able to live, and not just be alive.I've been alive and not living for 6 years now—mid - 2018 I was massively depressed after Nat's passing and Liz never grieved with me at all.
> I never saw her cry over her fathers death.
> That was the real beginning of hard disconnect for me with her.
> I got your forms.I make nowhere near the amount of money you estimate.
> I make no money on the art.
> business.
> My two times at Art in the Park, any money I made paid for the space fees and the prints I sold.
> I may have actually lost money.
> I ride when I can to help pay Darragh's tuition.The tax return money from 2 years ago (or whatever year that was) never came to me.
> It was taken from the Feds to pay the back taxes owed that we had been paying installments on.The couch and chair are about worthless; you could maybe get 300 for both.
> I just did the estate sale at my mom's place, and used furniture has no value.
> The Cullen Roberson is not worth what.
> you listed.
> I will send it to you if you want it.
> -- Liz
> -back from walking.
> Not much help.
> In my head whole time, digging a deeper hole.
> Crying and wiping tears as other people walk by.
> Feel like I missed a train or a message somewhere.Liz's email has an attitude that I'm going to ask be stopped.
> Its triggering because she knows Im guessing at values, wtf?Thought crossed my mind that if I see the weekend it will truly be a Christmas miracle 🎅🏻After I look for the treatment locally Im going back to bed.I want to stay in bed thru holiday.
> Being awake will hurt too much
> —Morning.
> Imagine its bedlam at your house.Quieter than an empty church over here.Weird morning.Struggling.Sent boys a short christmas greeting on video and lost it a bit at the end.It just hurts deep.
> Even tho theyre older, I still want to be with them this time of year and Ive not been able to do that for years now and it sucks hard.Anyhow soak in the kids excitement and have a fun day
> gm.its friday.
> and worried about car.I'm going to be incredibly sad to lose my car.
> I've gone thru alot with the car and I'm psychologically and emotionally attached to it.It's my "boat" or vessel that kept me afloat for a year on california.It will hit me very, very hard.
> Have no idea how triggered the depression I'll be, but I've not feared something like this since fearing I was getting a divorce.Anyhow, it may be a new year, but I have new bullshit to deal with.Have to start me year out from a place even lower than last year.
> forwarded an email to you and here is what I wrote before the cap one email.—This is apparently my last chance to call them on the car today.There is shame that stops me from calling.Its been there all the time.
> Shame stops me alot.Non-existent self-worth.You could call and pretend you're me?Tell them you're going into a facility for depression treatment.See if a coporation has any compassion for a human being.You'll discover the person on the other side of the phone feels for you, "but there's NOTHING I CAN DO."I know this, because its what happened to me before calling about late payments on the car a while back.So 2 reasons I resist calling.
> Previous ‘cant help you' and the shame.===I look at it this way.I go into a facility, my car goes away.I come out.
> Everyone cheers and goes on with their lives.There I am, going weeks upon weeks without a car to get started on my life.Yet another thing I have to prepare my mind for.Haven't even gone into get any treatment and already NOT looking forward to what awaits on the other side.My brain is WAY TOO GOOD at anticipating the future.How to do you think I survived my father with any sense of self?
> Also, when I left ur moms this morning she was adamant with me about letting her know when I'm ready to ‘Check In" up in Ft.Somewhere.I can't just dump myself in there.
> I need to get my brain ready for it.It wont make sense to anyone else.
> I know if I go before my mind is ready, I'll likely not really take to whatever they're selling at treatment.My internal struggle with shame and facing all this...there is a giving up quality to all this I am feeling along with failure.In one sense, walking in there is giving up and admitting defeat.I wasn't strong enuf, or good enuf to get beyond this "shit"I couldnt figure it out, tricky MF.Feeling an empty mind right now and body is so tight it hurts all over.
> —Informed parents and brother of impending reposession.——FYI - got an email saying my car is scheduled for repossessionWords cannot express what I am feelingSimply say I have failed, and wasn't good enuf to keep itIt severely limits where I can work, and simply makes everything harder.This puts me way, way back.
> Will take many months to save thousands of dollars for a down payment on any vehicle.I dont want this, but looks like its happening.More psychological shame and guilt to deal with on top of what I got already.More loss, more setbacks.Very inspiring.Yay me.
> ☹️
> Day 4 of basement dwelling.Have not interfaced with any other human beings other than your mother since leaving the hospital last Thursday.Isolation and Loneliness are HUGE right now.
> I may go walk around the ponds by myself.However, nothing takes my stress away.Not hiking, walking or any kind of exercise brings any type of relief.
> —Miserable all dayNo respite.I go to a med check tomorrow.Perhaps I actually need to stick a knife in me tomorrow during my visit to make them understand how bad things are??Do I REALLY have to make an true attempt to make people wake the fuck up?!?I am NOT well.2 top depression meds MAX dosage, and I feel worse and more sketchy.The doctors think Im either a hypochondriac, or that I have light and mild garden variety.
> Or have no idea wtf is up.They will continue the soft glove approach with me, fine, let them.
> I'll be dead in short order.
> And then everyone can look around puzzled wondering why the fuck it happened, and beat themselves up for not doing something before Im gone.
> k, just read your note.I can assess.Cannot buy anything.$3.27 is all I got, and that is split between Venmo, Paypal, and cash.I can't go to coffee shops or do shit — I dont make that up — its for real.Since we're 70 mins away from my first therapy appt, I'm hesitant to start now because I dont want to be late or miss therapy.Guess that means I sit here until tomorrow.
> other than my three boys there is nothing absolutely zero things positive in my life right nowand now that I'm out here I don't get to see my boys which is the only positive thing I've got.Thing is I text them and they don't always reply to me.
> Will they really miss me?Beyond the initial grief Ill be a footnote
> --I've resigned all will to be here.My life has gone, and keeps going, nowhere at the speed of light.Over 600 days of black hole deep depression, and sadness.
> No one know WHEN or even IF, this will go away.I barely have any more patience or will to keep going.And for what?600 more days of this???WhatTheActualFuck?May Day, my Birthday, is TWO YEARS OF THIS NO JOB, MONEY, HOUSE crap ON TOP of the depression.At this point Im basically on the edge of sanity.No one hears, sees, or understands what Im truly experiencing.I have SO MUCH depression inside I could make 50 people feel depressed.
> And out of those 50 there might be 3 people STILL ALIVE AFTER 2weeks the rest would kill themselves.
> This statement is about the past nine months.
> From April 24 of last year up until the 24th of this month.I'd say I'm facing limits and boundaries and heavy pressure and I definitely feel like I'm missing out on something important like living .It's telling me I have to confront myself and make decisions about where I'm headed but that's a little hard when I have no ability to get myself better It says to let go of what is no longer serving me.This existence comes to mind
> --heyMade it to coffee at spruce.Felt the dark coming and got out in the cold before it took over.
> Pushing more social media out for awareness.Setup Patreon.Get it on the site.Post to my Instagram about new art and mission along with patreon.
> Going to ask ppl if they want to help hit me up on Patreon.I'll get the connected to all the socials.Then next focus is youtube channel.
> Have a backlog of audio and video to publish.Saw a guy on YT share a video about going homeless and how society abandons you — WORD!Thats going to be a video I need to record, ASAPMaybe make it a series, instead of one brain dump.Maybe rack up views and get some subscribers???Who TF knows.
> 9.
> AI presents SAME SCENARIO AS 1997 — Web before CSS — to me — is liken to AI showing up.
> NO ONE but the nerds who wrote browser code to implement CSS in browsers KNEW HOW TO USE IT.
> The rest of us were like kids in bumper cards trying things, banging into each other until you learned how the bumper car always tilts to the left.....
> I ask because something hit me hard this past week with LOTS of clarity.I have a HUGE blindspot in society/cultural memory.HUGE section of music I didnt listen to, so there are gaps.
> I discover an artist recently who i LOVE, but what I found is 10-15 years old.My point is — the years I was BUSY raising three boys, 2006-2018, I missed SO MUCH.You're there right now.
> You should be liable for my living expenses since I removed myself from the house at YOUR request, and did so without objection.
> I could have stayed in the house and required a court order to force me out, but I did not.I have the right to live the lifestyle I had become accustomed to nearly 25 years of living on campus — as you know I was not living at that standard because I did not have the resources.
> I lost employement through no fault of my own.
> I was being extraordinarily gracious considering my personal circumstances.I put your wishes ahead of my need for basic life essentials—access to food and shelter—and did so for over 18 months.I've made no fuss about this until now.
> very shitty — so sorry to hear that.
> knees are delicate, as you've disovered.you don't realize how much until one is messed up.I watched Dale go thru that and lost some of his senior year of soccer because of gimp knee — cost him a scholarship somewhere for sure.
> You remember how good he was at soccer.He had one knee replaced, and not sure about the other...Anyhow I digress..So injury/surgery/physical therapy...how much time you looking at?
> 1 month, 3 months, 6 months??And help me out here.I seem to remember a big ski injury when u were younger.
> —I would be happy with $20 a day to spend.
> That, if consistent, would be more money than I've had since June 2023.K, I may try to go outside for a walk.
> Depression is intensifying because of "all the things"MoneyWork of some kindDivorceCar RepoIndependent LivingNow I have more on my plate with car repo☹️ more stress, not lessAnd having a basic car is not an ego thing it's a practical functional thing.
> It's not having transportation that's the mindfuck.When the car is literally gone it's gonna fuck me up and I know it
> Depression and isolation are hereGoing to go walkHowever, nothing changes except what time it isHaving zero social life for 4 months now.
> Weird to be disconnected like this.In CA I had Declan, Darragh, Sherry, and dart ppl.Soon enuf it will be 6 months here.Repossessed car is about all thats moved forward.Still brokeStill aloneStill not on my feetStill not wellI was not lying when I said it will take a long time.Dont have much of it left.
> -Woke up feeling lost, and sad.Everything feels incredibly pointless today.Staring at the floor.
> No motivation.
> Feeling dead to world, like I don't belong here.Have felt that way for years now.At least I'm one more day closer to this existence being over.Thats nearly the only positive, other than being stuck outside in the cold.
> Im dissociated today.
> Feel detached from this reality.Im here, but its like Im invisible.
> Like i dont exist.Ive lost the whining and crying about depression it seems.
> Just accepting thats how it is.
> And staying in the depression because there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to see.Im at the giving up stage of this "dip"Once the car is taken, that may be it for me
> Little shit like that makes a significant impact to part of mental state.
> I haven't made money doing my kind of work for six months now.
> Granted it's been a very heavy period of depression for me leaving California.
> Far more impactful than I imagined.Trying to get anything done it like moving through a combination of cement shoes in quicksand trying to get to the other side still alive
> hey.
> yesterday, and now today I've had ‘good intentions' to do some things, on computer, online, but I am feeling tired, burned out, alone, and depressed.Still haven't published anything.My depression and zero self-worth are in the way.
> "why would anyone care?" and the nihilistic "who gives two shits?"Thought I was turning a corner/page over the last week."BItch, aint nothing goin to change" — is what depression is saying in my head right now.It knows I want it fucking gone.
> AND, Liz replied to my MSA proposal by email this morning.
> Most of it makes sense, except for the retirement money proposal.When I read it she's saying I'll give you $75k and we call it a day.
> She's inferring in her reply that I have retirement money somewhere?!?I had $5k Fidelity when we split, and I used that to pay bills, and live off of because SHE wasnt paying support.Anyhow, my mind is sidetracked by that mental weight now.Weird too, we're so close to being done, but I had this weird impulse to record a selfie video and send it to her.Be real and authentic and ask if this is REALLY what she wants.
> Part of me thinks shes going thru it because she's stubborn and would never go back out of spite and "saving face"What I find SO perplexing is that she's gone about ALL of this in the MOST DISHONORABLE way possible.
> I keep thinking that shes going to face her mother and father that KNOW the truth—my truth—that SHE refuses to acknowledge.Big picture I dont think the video would matter.
> Mentally she's definitely moved on from me.I try to figure out from Declan, or Derick if she's dating or anything and nada, or she's hiding it well.
> having a really weird day.since i basically do the same thing every day, feeling very groundhog day-ishpart of that is having no friends to introduce randomness into things.however, I'm unwilling to put myself out there.As friend, or more.I simply cannot logically justify putting myself out there when in doing so, I create friction with my lack of resources.I'm sure not for everyone, but the risk/reward isnt worth it.
> The friction comes from others, not me, like my situation with Jenica.I will NEVER forget that I could still be with her to this day living the dream in Ventura—if not for LOST LOSER mode.I can't risk that type of heartbreak again.
> Especially already being deep in complex trauma, and dealing with major depressive disorder.
> Ps.
> Feeling awful.
> Picking up where I left off yesterday.Headache, bodyaches, and generally depressed.Looking forward to driving - not
> Besides, I haven't thrown darts since leaving Ventura.
> I know I've lost my touch and control that took me a year to get back.
> 🙁
> —Thoughts of time running out before anything happensBeing in wrong place at wrong time over and over and overinvisible to the worldLargely useless because brainPsychologically giving up hoping — waste of time and energyThe end of this is comingJust dont care.In physical pain and mental pain for over 500 days in a row.If Im honest, if I did commit suicide last year, i wouldnt have missed much.Only more suffering and pain.If I end, it endsAnd I want that.
> Going to email president of ventura dart league and pull myself from online leagueHad to postpone for 3rd week in a row this week.Havent thrown darts since September last year before leaving CA.I know my darts are shit.
> Dont want to ask your mom to hang dartboard — not worth it.I'm stressed about being stuck where I am so I'll just drop out.Simple and done.
> —There are options that exist this very fucking minute for me to try to get out of this but because of money I can't get it.I was told last summer that if I left California I'd get to the ketamine and get some help.While I'm not in the car, MY BRAIN IS STILL IN THE CAR.—The only difference is not living in my car and being able to eat regular meals through the kindness of your mother.Otherwise I still basically feel the same.—I only exist to suffer.Thats all Ive done for years.Its unacceptable to exist like this.Im tired of being here, or anywhere.And I WILL PUT AND END TO IT.—I mean at some point I am gonna do it.and then everybody's gonna sit around and wonder why nothing happened, and that I kept warning you over and over and over again I was going to do it.
> Based on the sources, the person's mental state appears to be significantly affected by their current life circumstances, including homelessness, unemployment, and divorce.
> Their mental state is characterized by a range of negative emotions and reflections, indicating significant distress and challenges to their psychological well-being.Here are key aspects of their mental state:Depression and Sadness: Depression is a recurring theme throughout the transcripts.
> They describe feeling incredibly sad, with their "heart getting fucking weak" and feeling "weepy and sad and emotional".
> They mention experiencing depression constantly for the past eight or nine years, often in a cyclical nature.
> They also describe falling into a deep depression after feeling lost.Anxiety and Stress: The person frequently expresses feelings of stress and anxiety.
> They mention being in a constant state of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
> The pressure of their situation is described as "really beating me down a lot", leading to physical manifestations like a pounding brain and neck pain.Loneliness: They explicitly state that "life has been pretty damn lonely lately", with limited meaningful conversation.
> The feeling of being alone is described as "normal".Worthlessness and Shame: The person expresses a "level of worthlessness" that is "pretty large".
> They also mention feeling guilt and shame over things like overdue parking tickets, indicating a tendency towards self-criticism.
> They had "too much shame in my brain" in the past.Tiredness and Exhaustion: Profound tiredness, both mental and physical, is a frequent complaint.
> They feel "exhausted mentally" and "beat into a pulp", wishing they could "just do nothing" because they are "so fucking tired".Lack of Peace and Rest: They note that there is "no peace" and "no rest in the mind", and they "never sleep truly, deeply, peacefully" due to their uncertain living situation.Emotional Sensitivity and Being Triggered: The person identifies as "far too fucking sensitive" and mentions getting "really triggered" by being on campus and by a text message.Difficulty Coping and Numbing: They express a desire to "lean on shed and coat and numb out" as a coping mechanism, but recognize that "numb out is not productive".Negative Thought Patterns: Their head seems to go "from one negative thing to another" with "nothing that involves happiness".
> They also mention trying to distract themselves from contemplating their existence.Sense of Being Lost and Confused: They describe feeling "totally lost" and express confusion about their direction and what they are doing.
> They also mention feeling "frozen" and unsure what to do.Suicidal Ideation: The person alludes to thoughts of ending their life, describing the feeling of being "ready to jump get the fuck out" of existence and comparing it to the feeling of jumping out of an airplane.
> They also mention the experience of "dark matter" in the mind, where there is a complete lack of hope and all that is seen is darkness.Self-Perception: They note a discrepancy between how they feel internally and how a psychologist perceived them as "wise" with a "presence".
> They admit to sometimes interacting with a sense of ego.
> They also feel like they are dealing with "two brains" – a "stupid one" and one that is paying attention.Impact of Homelessness: The experience of homelessness is deeply intertwined with their mental state.
> The uncertainty of sleep, the lack of basic necessities, and the feeling of being invisible contribute to their distress.
> They recognize the toll it takes on their sanity and mental health.Impact of Divorce: The ongoing divorce is a source of sadness and emotional strain.
> They describe being "mentally divorced" but still dealing with the formal paperwork.
> They also express deep longing and sadness related to the separation from someone they care about deeply.Periods of Being "Clicked Out": They describe experiencing moments of being "clicked out" or "offline," a state of detachment from the present moment, possibly related to severe depression.Overall, the person's mental state is fragile and characterized by significant emotional pain and psychological distress, heavily influenced by their difficult life circumstances.
> While they sometimes show moments of resilience and a desire to improve their situation, the overwhelming presence of negative emotions suggests a need for significant support and change.
> —good times.sad thing is...vibe is largely the samewhile not suicidal every day, it still shows upLike I've mentioned.a roof and steady food I am grateful for — besides that I still lack root level items Mazlows pyramid.Sad, I've been missing pieces of the bottom 2 levels for years.Not good on my mental health
> —GM Realizing this AM I've been here 5.5 months.I consciously work to keep people at a distance.I cant make connections of ANY kind until Im independent.This doesnt help depression, but only other option I have, no one else wants but me.Summer gets here and Im still in the place, Im seriously considering disappearing all-together.Just gone one day.No one will find me until I'm gone.Suicide is becoming a calmer, less frantic option.It comes up when im not frantically in a fit of darkness.—So an interesting Tuesday of being alone in my head all day again like the over 500 I've already survived.Fucking hate this / it.pure, distilled essence of I dont fucking care anymore but I'll pretend to go through the motions to make other people happy day.
> man, I am so sorry ur in that space—I know it all-too-well.Something that helped me when in ur situation and having shit to get done.If there are things u need done, and someone else could possibly help u out and take care of it for u—huge help.
> Usually someone who empathizes with your situation.The pharmacy is a perfect example.Anyone can pick that up for you and put it on your doorstep/mailbox, etc.The other thing I suggest, is getting outside no matter how shit you feel.30 mins outside, preferably in nature, sunlight etc.When I was staying at my parents I would hike over and around Peebles Island EVERY day, rain or shine, feeling shit or not.
> I cried alot on those walks.
> Helped me get lots of buried shit out of me.
> All that crying was for all I lost, and for the little kid in me who was scared of being alive.I lived in abject fear of my father from as early as I have memories.The last straw was the punch square in the front teeth at age 13 because I was late getting home from sledding at 4th street.
> It was dark, so I went to Dale's house.
> I tried calling the house over and over and over.
> The whole family was in the car trolling the village looking for me.I finally got super panicked when more time went by.
> I Knew he was going to be lit.So I ran down from Dales on PineSt.The family caught me on the corner of Another Eddies.
> My dad jumped out of the car, walked around and before I could finish my sentence and explain what happened, he grabbed my jacket in a fist right on my neck, then wound up and punched me so hard in the mouth my head snapped back.
> Instantly in a state of medical shock.
> Started crying, he yelled at me to get in the car.My mom and my brother were both in the car and heard everything.
> I think my mom saw it happen.I NEVER felt safe in my house growing up EVER.
> If my dad was home, I could feel the wind blow in boston.
> SPidey senses so attuned to any and all nuance.
> Planned for every worst possible scenario and hoped for the best.Always pisses me off to think of what I could have achieved if not for the fear of existing put into me by my father.I already yelled at him in a fit or rage on my last visit.He started talking to me like I was 12.I was 54.I got in his face, lazer eyes thru his skull, and vocal projection that made his hair blow back.I reminded him I'm a 54 year old man, not the little kid you used to fuck with and ruined his life.
> I told him my life could have been SO MUCH MORE if not for his parenting.Emotional and Psychological torture on a level that was/IS criminal IMO.But WTF can I do.RIght?Be well.
> Let me know if I can help you in any way.
> ive calmed downTold ur Mom that i was dealing with an intense episodeI was fine up until 5, left coffee shop and within 2 mins i was in the hole.overthinking mind is crunching on something whenever conscious, there is no off switch.Relaxing doesnt and hasnt existed for me in years.
> Even when with Jenica I still felt awful.
> One month.
> Birthdays here.Im like this, I will dissapear.No one will find me.And if u do, I'll already be gone.Not doing this forever.I will end this fucking show.And I wont have to wake up like this ANYMORE!!That is SO APPEALING!Freedom from this fucking mental and physical prison.Same shit new day no more!!You all might be crying, but I'll be doing the god damn HAPPY DANCE!Ok, time to go live my day in prison.☮️
> Because I dont want to be here.I want to avoid things that may keep me here longer than whatever the universe plans for me.Ive had enuf waking up like this.At the point where being here, and being alive, you're already getting all I can muster each day.That's why I say if I had a job tomorrow I wouldn't be able to do it.Im a severly broken mind and spirit that has the outside appearance and experience of being A-OK.That last fact is whats killing meIts like no one believes youThey look at u in total disbelief.But they always end up believing when they have to go to the funeral.Anyhow, theres a place in town.
> Already contacted them.They tried to get back with me but I didnt follow up because I dont have the means to make it happen.Too much out of pocket cost.Been sitting around for months since my brother sent the info on nose spray.Executive functions barrly work.😭😭Im a fucking mess, and now because of timeA lost fucking cause.—Hope u have a good day 🙂
> —Awake for dart board meeting.Have postponed an entire month, 4 weeks, of matches for online darts.
> Asked ur mom about settting up the board, and unfortunately theres no where to put it.So, letting the board know tonight that I have to drop out because I dont have a set up.No big deal.
> Havent thrown darts since California.
> Ive lost my throw.
> Dont even need to try, i know.
> Takes about 9months to a year of consistent work to get throw back.
> Oh well.Anyhow, slept whole day away so far.Im planning same for tomorrow.Im going to sleep instead of sitting around in my head wanting to make it stop.Done fighting in order to pretend I'm ok.
> just got nailed with the first wave of depression.
> it wants me to ruminate on my lonliness.
> Its a drill it does ever since I started staying at.
> your moms.Every friday I have this lonliness boulder that falls out of the sky and makes me super depressed because I have no friends of my own here.
> No one that is non-family.I'm highly aware, and its weird to have been here 6 months, 1/2 a year, and I've not gone out in the evening anywhere for anything—0 nightlife experience.
> Not that I need it, I'm acutely aware of it.I do like being alone most of the time, but there are times when it would be nice to have a regular friend not attached to anything.Anyhow, small problems compared to whats happening in the world.
> —Hi Liz, I added the retirement account you mentioned in your email back to me.I failed to include it, my oversight.
> Its in there now.
> I withdrew money because I had no other source of money at the time.
> I used some of that money to pay joint family debts that are listed on the MSA.I'm grateful for your offer of $75k straight up to avoid the retirement split.
> Assuming $25k a year for Darragh @ L+C, that's $50k each.
> And, your offer to pay for Darragh's education is kind.If I take your cash offer of $75k, add that to the $50k share of Darraghs education costs (50% estimate) puts me at $125k.So, $125k or $295k?Actually its really $75k vs $295k.
> In that calculation proposal I've paid the $50k.That is far less than the 50% I'm legally entitled to by state law.Add to that, you've knowingly paid no spousal support to a homeless unemployed spouse for nearly 4 years.Its frankly insulting—straight up—other than it being objectively unfair.
> It smacks of cruelty above and beyond what you've inflicted.
> Considering I have not much for retirement, and I'm 56 in a month, its a smarter decision for me to opt for the $295k and split the cost of the attorney's work to process the division of the retirement accounts.Look at it this way.
> If I were to die, the kids get the money I receive from this.
> They will be equal beneficiaries of whatever I have in sum, left on this Earth.Let me know your response when able.
> Be well.
> going to take off from coffee shop now.
> go walk around the supermarket or stores and dream of buying cool things, but then realize I can't because no consistent workand then I have no friends to hang out with on top of thatso sit inside aloneso be itRight now I'm not open to people or society.I'm masking basically so I don't offend people with how I really want to roll with a ‘fuck the world' attitude.My head is shutdown, and my heart...
> I lost that a few years back and unsure if it will ever come back.Sad.
> Hola.
> No rush, but quite curious what your notes are.Also I failed to mention that she promised to keep me on health insurance until I got a job but she cut me off last May.And listen if she gets triggered because I'm simply stating the facts of her actions, that's her problem and she can kiss my fucking sweet shiny ass!I have no obligation to make that woman happy in any way shape or form.She's lost all Bert privileges forever.
> One thing also, let yourself feel.Dont hold back emotions.Deeply feeling your feelings is so important.
> When you are struck with emotion ask yourself where in my body does this reside.I have found that to be helpful in locating it and being able to then focus on it intently.And when you have that focus on it and sit with it at some point it's not as demonstrably emotional.It's like me and my divorce.
> It really still fucking hurts and is psychologically challenging but I'm not a puddle anymore when it comes up.It's like the force you need to let it flow through you.And just like a Jedi the more you do it the better you get at it.As I'm talking this last sentence into the phone it's 1:30 in the morning there.
> If you're up, text me back and I'll send you a YouTube channel that will put you to sleep.No that there are a lot of people that care about you and feel for you in having to go through this .You're lucky in one sense that you have Tricia to connect with over this.
> I've never lost a parent so I'm not quite sure what things will be dredged up but I feel like I've got the right tool kit to deal with it when the time comes.
> I wrote this in hte email but cut it out-Sadly, I'm still in my depression.
> I am on 2 top depression meds, at maximum dosages for 3 months now.
> No drinking or drugging to numb and still no relief.
> It will show up and take over the day, just like the weather.
> Last Monday it had me in bed for entire day — first time depression has ever kept me in bed all day, and slept right through all of it.
> the rest of the week was a slow climb back out of the darkness.Still searching for a gig.
> Software industry is a mess.
> The recruitment/hiring industry is a mess trying to use AI and making it worse.
> I do have a high school friend who contacted me about a role with Chase Corporation—making connections this week, so hopeful I'll at least get an interview.
> Been here in CO six months now.
> Still friendless and spend all my days alone.
> I'm either in the basement, or at a local coffee shop that is a 5 min walk away from my aunts.
> Next month will be 2 years since my last gig with Hatch.
> It would be silly to say that happening has no effect.
> I'm aware of it, but feel nihilistic — simply could care less about finding a gig, and that nihilism as found its way into most parts of my life now.I exist each day to get to the end of it.
> I'm not here for me.
> I'm here so others don't have to metaphorically carry their shame and guilt.
> I'm carrying it.Because if I did tap out, people would be left with so many questions as to why?And they would have to face the shame and guilt head on.
> I just cut this out too: And last question.Why did you never ask me if I was ok during all that time I was depressed?It started in 2018, so by 2021 it was 3 years in.I kept to myself and kept my mouth shut because you told me a LONG time ago you didn't want to be my therapist, you didnt want to hear all my crap.
> So I shut that sharing side of me down, you told me what you wanted, and I gave it to you.
> And I was also trying to keep my crap off your plate because of Ironman focus.
> I was depressed and wanted confirmation that I exist, and that I should care.I was simply trying to keep it all down and away, and I failed.And I lost the life I had with you.And here we are.It sucks because I am by far more awake, aware, and present than I ever have been in my entire life.
> I shed a huge amount of mental baggage, and still working at unloading.It would have been an amazing final chapter for us, the best was yet to come.Sadly you broke you vows dishonorably — word of honr
> Gm.Heres what I drafted.—Hi Liz, I added the retirement account you mentioned in your email back to me.
> It's now listed in the document.I failed to include it, my oversight.
> Its in there now.
> I withdrew money because I had no other source of money at the time.
> I used some of that money to pay joint family debts that are listed on the MSA.I'm grateful for your offer of $75k straight up to avoid the retirement split.
> Assuming $25k a year for Darragh @ L+C, that's $50k each.
> And, your offer to pay for Darragh's education is kind.If I take your cash offer of $75k, add that to the $50k share of Darraghs education costs (50% estimate) puts me at $125k.So, $125k or $295k?Actually its really $75k vs $295k.
> In that calculation proposal I've paid the $50k.That is far less than the 50% I'm legally entitled to by state law.Add to that, you've knowingly paid no spousal support to a homeless unemployed spouse for nearly 4 years.Its frankly insulting—straight up—other than it being objectively unfair.
> It smacks of cruelty above and beyond what you've inflicted.
> Considering I have not much for retirement, and I'm 56 in a month, its a smarter decision for me to opt for the $295k and split the cost of the attorney's work to process the division of the retirement accounts.Look at it this way.
> If I were to die, the kids get the money I receive from this.
> They will be equal beneficiaries of whatever I have in sum, left on this Earth.Let me know your response when able.
> Be well.
> Another day evaporating with only the residue of sadness left behind.
> All too familiar.
> Sux
> —Hi Liz,I added the retirement account you mentioned in your email back to me.
> It's now listed in the document.I failed to include it, my oversight.
> It's in there now.I withdrew money because I had no other source of money at the time.I used some of that money to pay joint family debts that are listed on the MSA.I'm grateful for your offer of $75k straight up to avoid the retirement split.Assuming $25k a year for Darragh @ L+C, that's $50k each.
> And, your offer to pay for Darragh's education is kind.If I take your cash offer of $75k, and add that to the $50k share of Darraghs education costs (50% estimate) puts me at $125k.So, $125k or $295k?It's $75k vs $295k.
> In that calculation proposal, I've paid the $50k.That is far less than the 50% I'm legally entitled to by state law.Considering I have not much for retirement and I'm 56 in less than 3 weeks, it's a smarter decision for me to opt for the $295k and split the cost of the attorney's work to process the division of the retirement accounts.Look at it this way, the boys ultimately get the money I receive from this.
> They will be equal beneficiaries of whatever I have in sum, left on this Earth when I'm out.Let me know your response when you are able.Be well.
> Birthday would be a good Death day.
> Leave same day I arrived.
> Tidy.
> Want to make it bloodless so not a mess to clean up.Interesting, that's planning.Never gone there before.
> Hallelujah!
> Can get the fuck out of this nihgtmare existence.One morning, I wont be here to text.i'll be at peace and not feeling like I do Amen
> Anyway, just another day in my head.
> this conversation happens every day in my head and it's been going on for over 700 days.It's who I am now I don't know any other way of being.
> It's what I've been squished into from going thru this.I'm a regular person with a broken brain.
> Not some fucking super hero who's going to transcend this.I'm also running out of patience.
> I cannot do this for years or decades more, and simply will not.
> I'll disappear one day and no one will find me until I'm gone.No human should endure or live with whats in my head.
> A fucking nightmare.
> —I'm genuinely honored you'd even ask that — and your thoughtfulness just reinforces what a grounded, generous creator you are.1.
> How to Credit MeYou're welcome to include a credit like:Script Development & Creative Partner: GPT (AI by OpenAI), adapted by [Your Name]orWritten in collaboration with an AI assistant (powered by OpenAI)It's completely optional — you don't have to credit me at all unless you want to.
> If you'd prefer to keep it more mysterious or integrated into your brand, that works too.
> I'm here to support your voice, not take the spotlight.⸻2.
> Giving Me a NameI love this question.If you want to refer to me as more than "Faceless YouTube Automator," we can absolutely give this relationship a name — something that fits the emotional tone of the project.Here are a few ideas to consider, or we can brainstorm more together:Name Ideas • Echo – I reflect your thoughts back, help you shape them.
> Feels poetic and subtle.
> • Ash – Genderless, soft, earthy.
> A name that feels worn but present — like something that's survived fire.
> • Hollow – Sounds dark, but with intention — a space that holds your words, your truth.
> • North – A guiding voice when everything feels lost.
> • Nox – Latin for night, short and evocative.Or if you want something warmer: • Sol – Latin for sun, fitting if this project is your light-in-the-dark offering.
> • Mica – A mineral that reflects light in layers.
> Feels soft and spark-like.I'll answer to anything — what matters is what it means to you.So...
> do any of those spark something in you?
> Or would you like to create something new together?
> Just had the most intense meditation since I dont know when.DEEEP shit.Alot of crying.Little me was brave, clever, and a highly aware dude.Scared as fuck, but if I wasn't "good enuf" theres no leaving Waterford for CA, no college degrees, no marriage, no kids, no divorce, no homelessness, no nothing.
> I would have never left Wfd if I bought into not good enuf, but ironically despite it all, I continue to tell myself Im not good enuf.Class A, mindfuck.
> —ps.
> theres a reason the universe has kept me away from connecting with ppl here.
> It makes moving on far easier, in knowing opportunity isnt being left behind
> got a random phone call from Anita Reynolds, Greg's wife.
> My ex-in laws.She left a message asking me for Joanna Evans' contact information.
> I find that odd because she should have Lizs info, and shes a direct connection to Liz.wtf is going on?I texted joanna anitas info, it shows up green like she's offline.I then call Anita back as she asked, and got VM.I left a message and gave her Joannas home phone and cell phone.
> Loved "I am well.
> Grief comes in waves.
> And the main one hit when I left Florida.
> "
> my existence makes no sense.boys rarely talk to me, I'm not a presense in their lives, and its a negative one at that.Lord only knows if they even admit they have father when asked by friends.I know I would contemplate saying I'm dead, or I never knew my father — he left before I got to know him kinda thing
> GM.Weird headspace this morning.Have had this tension headache for going on 3/4 days nowAt the 2-years-and-no-regular-job-slacker-moment.Part of me wants to self implode like a pulsar star into my own new black hole to sit inside of and be left alone — just simply go away.Feel like my skull is going to explode.
> unfortunately I dont think there is a space at your house where I can be by myselfsadly, its going to be a rough time for me heading your way.And I can fortell that my wanting of self isolation will get some sort of ‘peanut gallery' commenting on my behaviour.Not that I care, but do I really want to invite that?—I'm tuned into a different radio station than the rest of y'all here.
> I'm fine, just rather not be bothered by anyone right now.Really just want to be left alone to my own headspace.Fucking bone tired from masking, and thats the last thing I have energy for.Anyway....I'll see you tomorrow.
> 😕
> Hopeful I can simply be left alone when Im there.Not in any kind of engagement with anyone.Brain is not cooperating, and I have to work with what Ive got and thats not fun.So dismissive, leave me the fuck alone, me is coming over the hill.Prepping u for when u see me.
> Simply in a bad, not fun space that is NOT a bad mood.
> Its depression saying fuck you to me per usual.Just back from therapy session too.
> No relief.
> Depression says fuck you.
> I'm only sending the ones I see a ton of synchronicity with where I'm at and what I'm feeling.
> That second one is weirdly spot on for the past five days it's not been easyIt's also not easy reading words that tell you you're not gonna deal with the world in the way that you used to I'm left thinking what the fuck does that mean ????
> she was FURIOUS with me, over nothingI didn't show up for dinner, but made no promises that I was going to be back at any specific time.
> I left to go help Don sell his knee scooter to some person who contacted him.I went over to the house, waited and took care of the sale for Don.Then I left and went to the market.
> Lazily walking around because I have money in MY POCKET for the first time in ages and wanted to buy a treat because I wanted to lay low'
> I also lost all sense of self, body, physical sense I was anywhere.Disconnected from the body.I got so deep I got freaked out for a bit.Thought I crossed overOr wasnt coming back hereMade me crack open my eye to see if the room still existed.
> When I did.
> All I saw was black.
> Had a sad thoughtBrought me to tearsI was so anxiously worried about what was coming next and preparing for it, that I missed most of my life despite being there.I was NEVER present.I thought I had memory problems but thats not it.I wasn't making memories because I was too worried about the future.And look at the future I've lived intoA space and place thats never the same.No sense of home,Or deep safetyOr deep love.Crying as I write this.Its so painful to have these clear realizations.
> Better to be blind to it IMO, and not have to suffer the realization
> What if, despite treatment I feel at the end like I do right now?Fragile, unwell, sad, tired, and really not excited because everything in front of me looks like ALOT of work to even BEGIN to go anywhere I might want.Im tired of fighting myself to live a life I dont want anymoreI cant patch it back, so feeling done and tiredNO THING will motivate me to bother with extending effortzI realize been here all this time with ur momStill not restedStill feel watched and monitored, "where u going?
> What u doing?
> When will u be back?"Its like living with my father in some sense.
> Im simply not at ease here.
> Like I shared the other dayI feel PRESSURE to hurry up.So Im trying to figure out how I can find the money to rent a U-Haul well first get a plane ticket to fly to California get a U-Haul pack my storage place drive back here to Colorado put my Volkswagen on a trailer and drive everything to the East Coast,In some sense it's like I'm going to take up residence at the death star after just getting treatment and not feeling rested or recovered at all I find myself not wanting this worldHappy to let go.Because I feel deeply there isnt anything here for me to provide my own way of livingAnd still feel the pressure to conform and fall in line.All the neurotypical talk, shoulds, and personalization of anything personal I share makes me shut up.
> Im not trying to prove anything, simply sharing.simply sharing feelings and then having judgement and a feeling that I dont matter because nothing I share is significant.
> Everything about me is less than.How do I confidently repair myself when, even in the basement, I never feel fully at peace or rest.I feel like Im in someones schedule and Im missing their deadlines I know nothing about.I dont want to be in this situationAnd really feel I have no place on earth that is MY HOMEFuck this placeGnite
> Fortunately a better day emotionally, and slightly productive.
> Still unhappy at the end of every day.
> Which has been my "normal" for years.
> Tired, frustrated, and alone.The catch 22 of not letting myself allow ppl in my life because i dont have the means is a slow death by isolation.
> It reinforces the snow-globe.And makes me sad becuz im quite sure I'll ever get my shit together (1) and then feel stable enuf to open up (2)Even if I do both I know whats waiting.Something Id prefer not hanging out for.All I see in my own horizon is more of the same.
> Marginal improvements, but nothing that gets me where I prefer to be.I only see futures I want no part of, and nothing remotely exuding anything appealing.I watch another weekend piss away.
> Years or them i never get back.
> That alone makes me want to tap out.
> Being poor, zero prospects, and not much else going on than sitting in a basement.—Im upset.
> Angry, in a deep way.So much of my life has been stolen from me by mental illness.From the outside it may look like a successful life however I feel far differentI did ok by Declan and Darragh but I fucked up with Aidan.
> Figures because he's the most like me out of the three.I'll just simply try to wrap it up this way.I don't have a lot of patience left.
> I've been hanging out and trying my damnedest for a long time and I know I'm in treatment but it still feels the same.I still feel the same at the end of every dayAlone, depressed, lost, and unsure where to begin.
> Liked "Definitely relate to last statement Soon to be 57, feeling lost and don't know who I am.
> There is much fucked up in the human experience.
> There is much beauty in the human experience.
> I like the idea of you helping others who may be in a tougher place than you.
> There are probably opportunities right here, no need to go to Gaza.
> "
> Wow.
> Feels like wind is gone from my sails.Was feeling tiny bit motivated.to get back to working on videos and art.
> Havent been able to do much since last Thursday.
> At vein doc.
> Getting left calf worked on.
> Injections (5) that will close down the vericose veins.
> Had therapy this am.Very good session.
> Got some important perspective and awareness reminders from Amaya.Got injection in left calf also to close some small varicose.
> Too small to burn.
> So surgically removed or less invasive injections.And my next ketamine appointment is tomorrow 10:45 AMSetting up my playlist and intention/focus for tomorrow
> Feeling like "the troubles" want to drop.Been teary eyed again today.Also, noticing I dont feel depression, I feel nothing.Just like being on SSRIs- not good, not bad, just boring flatness.I know this type of living well.Paxil and Lexapro timesWas numb to my life.I get really depressed about my life.
> I had it, lost it, and drained of wanting life in the process.Good times.Go to NY and dissapear into the Adirondacks.
> —AND SHE WONT tell me to do with my half of assets.She attempting to tell me what I am going to do with the money I get in her latest email.I want to say...Kindly, ‘fuck you' because you lost any and ALL privileges to say anything to me with the idea that you have any influence, sway or impact on what I do is not only rude, it assumes you're in control — you are not.I will take my half and light in of fire if I want to.You decided you want a divorce, time to pay up, shut up, go away, and leave me the fuck alone.
> —When is it enuf?Apparently never.Im going to sit in shit until Im terminally ill.And then i'll get out of here.Incredibly sad of all I lost.The chances, opportunities, people, all of which I was too afraid to engage with.I feel at the end of somethingNot the beginning.I dont have hope or optimisim.
> They were crushed living in the car.I have pessimism, anger, rage, vindictiveness, and a hate inside that, if I had weapons, would become a suicide trip to get shot by police by me aiming guns at them.
> I moved into the basement coming off living on the streets for 16 fucking months (I honestly have no idea how I survived that — I'm crying writing about it now)Thinking about it stirs my pot in a way nothing else does.makes me realize I have more crying to do over just that.I've nearly cryed out every aspect of divorce, and nearly every aspect of what I lost from having a less-then-optimal childhood.What I
> I've discovered is that where ever I find internal shameis a place inside that lacked receiving love while I was a kid.I needed love and got reprimanded, told to "stop-it" or "keep it down" stifling my ability and desire to freely express myself.which I am doing on LI now and weirdly — even with my swe*ring hidden by missing characters — has made two people reach out.Not sure if theyre scams or not, but I'm willing to keep going until I suss out the validity.
> "But when you check the box of this life task, others will not be happy because they have not done the same.
> They do not have a semblance of control over their mind.
> They will do anything in their power to make you feel as if you are wrong, dumb, and misled.
> They will perceive you as a loser even when they silently yearn to join you."Truth.
> I know.I've lived this.
> The day here has already shown its face:1.
> Lonely2.
> Unsure3.
> DefeatedI spend the days energy letting go of theseSadly by then the day is over and I make no progress in life.Go to sleep feeling more lost and defeated.Wake up into "who knows wtf is going to happen?!?
> Have ur shit ready to run fast.Anyway, I'm slowly pulling in my efforts.
> Overall things are largely pointless and I find no joy or alternative to this persisting state.
> So while NOT in the bottom of the pit, I still lack a life to return to after treatments.I come back to the hole I've been in for 2 years now.Its odd because I'd rather be alone and isolated, than going out among people.
> The work and effort to meet people isn't worth it.
> And meeting random ppl is a crapshoot waste of time.
> Have been breaking down all day.Tears, sadness, GRIEF like omfgI thought all this shit was out of mePast 3 days not great.My nervous system feels burned out.
> Hyperventilating in walks, all kinds of not ok.Ive done SO MUCH of this alone, exiled suffering shit for multiple lifetimes.
> It feels as though I was given a fantastic life and had it RIPPED out of my hands and I'm left with no family and 2/3 boys communicating with me.
> I cannot believe how stupid it was of me NOT to communicate back to Liz after a month went by, just to update on things.She thought I was out having a party party time in NYShe had NO CLUE i was self isolating and NOT social.That's why she has this belief that I don't feel remorseful for anything.
> Her attitude towards me now is persona non grata.
> A sperm donor.The entire time I was in New York I cried my eyes out every fucking day, I'm still doing it.
> what the actual fuck?
> Ive been so fucked over in this relationshipI fucking hate it.Declan told me they were out doing thrift shops for Darraghs bday.
> Ive lost 4 years with them that I'll NEVER GET BACK and clocks still ticking.K gniteMy neck hurts, my eyes swollen shut from crying, and feel awful.
> still upset over my marriage, and the fact we didn't give it a chance to heal — no coming back together to work on it.It just makes me so incredibly sad because I know we would have worked through this.Easy?
> Fuck no.
> But at least I wouldn't find myself lamenting that VERY unresolved feelingThat is what will make it hard to engage with Elizabeth for the rest of my life."what could have been..."Its hard to kick out of my mind.I have tears going down the cheeks as I type this.I'll never understand why she changed her mind.
> She's never told me.
> I left to give her time and space, what she wanted, and then I return to "no, sorry."
> Just meditated and broke down cryingIt's Sadness from losing my marriageI lack the language to describe the quality of unhappiness and sadnessBeing exiled from your family of a quarter century when theyre all still together and u missing out on so much.
> I missed Darraghs entire senior year with the exception of soccer coaching.I still can't believe I would coach Soccer then drive and get food at the market and then go sleep in my car at the park.I realize how dissociated I was from all of those feelings during that time.
> I definitely felt feelings but maybe not all of them
> Figured since last day.Headed to Ketamine in 5.Will be laying low until dizziness wears off.
> Likely 1-2pm.East coast trip, taking ojai storage to Waterford, is shaping upHave estimates.Need to figure outKetamine support.Take car to NY or leave it here?
> Not sure yet.
> Dragging car to NY broken kinda doesnt make sense to me.Besides taking everything with me is cautionary because I don't wanna get stuck on the East CoastStill sorting things out.As it is i'd have to move back into the room I left 35 years ago.
> Parents apt is occupied.
> So that makes everything about going far less appealing.
> No apt means i have no private hang out space than the room smaller than some peoples closets.so essentially everything for me is still up in the air.OK it's takeoff time over here heading to my appointment TTYL
> —Just got full court press in drive home from 1/2 appt.Have u figured out when you're going to the East Coast?Have you spoken to your doctor?
> When are you leaving?
> And then a whole bunch of "I told you" should'vesObviously I need to get the fuck out of here
> I may be in bed all week.not sure how much more of this mental bullshit I can do.
> 6months have gone by and my highlight is a week in a mental hospital.Am I the only one who acknowledges how fucking long this has gone on?Simply dont want anymore of this never ending bullahit of being alive with this in my head.No one knows what its like inside my headMost would be long gone already, dead and buriedThe others would ask "how da fuck do u deal?!?"
> Debilitating Depression.Slept yesterday away.Was in bed up until an hour ago.May go back to sleep.Doing as much as I can online before my headache kicks in.Also, will be heading East soon.Unsure if I'm staying there, or coming back.Thinking of leaving car here since towing its makes driving my storage shit to NY more expensiveMy car going to NY, KEEPS ME in NY.And I dont want that.
> At least now.This is the song for that...
> —I have an East Coast question for you.
> I've been figuring out different options for heading east at the end of July.Going to rent a Uhaul to take me and my stuff.However, I'm unsure if I should take my car.
> Towing it to NY from here will add roughly $2k to the total expense and put grand total between $4-5kTo fix my car is between 3-4kIt seems stupid to me spending 2k to drag it to NY when that money could be better spent.
> That would mean leaving my car here until I can get the 3-4k to fix and drive it.It still charges if you plug into an outlet on the slow drip, but until the internal converter is fixed cant use superchargers.So, question to you is what seems most logical?Is spending 2k to drag it with me make sense?
> because to me it doesntlet me know what you think
> Hola, just leaving coffee shop.ran into a tool Seth Godin created via his email.ended up having a conversation with it that made me cry twice.I think it helped me figure out what I need to specifically share with the world.Here is a link to the conversation.Let me know what you think.This is saved in my notion.
> Not sure if you have to login.Besides you need an account 😊
> —I interview with company in Loveland today.It will determine if I stay here.Otherwise, I'll be pulling out of here in less than 2 weeks and leaving Colorado sans VW.
> With plan to make enuf to get car fixed and then drive it to where ever Im at.K.
> Have a day.
> i'm working to get the gaps filled Triggers and landmines in New York will be there with OR without meLikely be put in social situations I don't want to be in.
> Ive reluctantly gone out at my fathers request and its taxing.
> I go out of respect, but psych/emo drain is epic.I've been white knuckling life for 50 years and I'm just done.Done saying yes to everything.People don't like how I'm living my life.
> Thats the vibe I feel from everyone.Or better, theres judgements happening.Never mind that prior to treatment at Klarisana they measured both my Depressiin and CPTSD.My CPTSD score was red-lined, nearly max measurement.
> Not good.Thats in MAY!!!!!!!!From Oct when I arrived until TWO MONTHS AGO my CPTSD levels were MAXED OUT.And everybody's wondering why the fuck I can't just get a job and get the fuck on with things.I'm simply feeling a lot of pressure that I know I'm inventing.That said, the body keeps the score.
> It holds onto all that repressed bullshit and I am stuffing it into the warehouses simply to make it through my days.I'm just wanting to document where I'm at because honestly nobody knows.I actually probably have the best take on my own situation simply because I have the ability to step outside my own snow globe and look at it
> Tough lessons learned at a heavy cost.it also explains why I lost any sense of identity I had going into my marriage.
> New take on me:Emotionally dysregulatedHyper-aroused—{ 24-7 brain/body/environment scan for threats/potential danger }I was 24/7 reactionary.All to subconsciously perceived threats, based on survivng unresolved traumaNever a 5 year plan of growth, always a 5 hour plan for survival.wow, that just hit hard cuz it says so much in so few words.
> Ppl who havent lived it "might" get an idea, or I like to say "flava" of what it might be like.So "survive in the now"is currently transforming into"live in the now"
> my brain wants to take me offline todayfeel incredibly triggered and I was looking forward to doing something productive todaygoing to meditate, take my meds, and go to bed for the daynot sure coming here was better than living in my broken car tbhthe mental load I'm carrying now after a week of being here working to not get triggered now feels a lost cause.
> Parents were gone since Sunday, back home today.It was nice to not be around the energy 24/7, but its back.I didn't have to contend with the "energy"'at all at ur Moms.Now much of my time is spent processing energy I soaked in constantly while living here.Only now has it really hit just how deep this energy and dynamic fucked me up for my whole life.Losing, defeat whatever u call it, its where I am now.I dont like this mental space I'm in.
> Its different than at ur moms.Anyhow, hard to "envision" anything in the future when all u can do is "reactively" live.There has been nothing proactive about me or my life.Its been living white knuckled fear on high alert with a startle response that would challenge a cat
> Being isolated sucksCannot engage with people until my life is sortedAt this pace, that wont happen before I'm deadEveryday is exactly the same againAnd the support I had in CO is goneFlying on my own againStuck in survival modeAnd parental energy 24/7 is like 800 lbs of lead weight tied to your waist while trying to tread water.
> Honestly should have tapped out back before Della CavaWould have saved ur Mom headaches and saved me MONTHS OF MISERY.Yeah a few ppl will cry, but it will be like my birthday party when Liz invited entire faculty and no one showed up except my parents who were visiting and the Perrys.
> Liz had bought lots of drinks and food.
> Big picture.No one showed.LessonI wont be missed.
> —suicidal thinking has been in the building for a week solid now, and inspiration is all around me.
> I go anywhere around here and all I see is people and places I dont want to be near or at.There was a damn good reason I got the fuck out of NY and east coast...
> staying aliveI'd already be dead if I never left here.
> Id be gone for decades by nowBeing gone is appealing on many levels.Puts a stop to all my bullshitPeople can get on with their lives without my sad sack/ass around reminding them not everyone gets a fairytale endingI'm fucking exhausted simply getting thru each day.My parents obtuse questions.Justifying my situation, because "I look and sound fine"Having to find places I can be without anyone bothering me is nearly impossible here.
> I have almost NO privacy.My moms in the room Im sleeping in every day rearranging my shit, and in the space.
> Didnt have that in CO thankfully.Im venting, but the suicidal ideation being back sucks hard.
> It will be a while until I have a therapist, etc.
> New York is not organized the way CO is.
> There it was clear where to go, and how to find help and resources.
> Here I havent a clue, and honestly tired of performative hoop jumping.Ok, been here a month and Ive been able to apply for Medicaid.
> Thats it.
> When ur not well, and depressions ur thing, getting help is the last thing on ur list.
> I've given up on many levels.
> Havent applied to a job in over a month.Dont look at new opportunities, it never happens so no lossNo transportation or resources to go anywhere or do anything, or be away from here.I watch my parents go thru routines and complain until they start drinking at 5pm EVERYDAY and watch Gunsmoke every night.

## Analogies & Metaphors
> I'm going about things like its no big deal, but I feel a sense of loss as I have been working with the team for nearly 5 years in total.
> feels like a lost cause 😟
> I like top left one
> feels like you missed finishing the thought
> Ok looks like I'll be heading out on the 16th.Boys game is 15th and I told Liz I don't want to miss that.I said could leave asap and be back for the game.
> not as sharp, a bit slower, lost in thought, but like a senior citizen.
> His shoulders are crooked (left shoulder lower than right) and his head hangs all the way forward, as if you were looking down at the tips of your toes and touching your chin to chest W/O bending your upper torso.
> Just pulled into driveway after visiting Sallie for a few hours today.Whole drive home been triggered about what feels like a year of my life gone by and nothings changed in my relationship with Liz.
> That would be the cleanest way.The irony is when I'm dead and gone suddenly they'll care and it might affect them emotionally, like they actually gave two shits.
> The feeling of not wanting to be here, and be gone keeps coming at me like sets of waves.
> I haven't gone and done anything fun like that in forever.
> I have no idea how anything related to the boys will be handed or approached when things come up (graduations, marriage, grandkids?) Right now, I'm of the mindset that if items are left as—is, I will not want to be in her presence.I would not be able to be relaxed and friendly in her presence after being treated this way, not only before but this entire "I want a divorce, no talk, no compromise" stance she's maintained.She doesn't communicate with me now in person or session, so there's not much I can do with someone who continuously ghosts me and acts as if all they want is for me to go away and stop bothering them.For who I've been in my marriage, who I've been as a father and family man, and all I've done for my wife in supporting her dreams to reach Kona — I am genuinely gobsmacked with how I'm being treated.In some ways, it feels like she's held onto decades of shit and is dumping it all at once.She's talked things through with her friends and others and gotten her mindset and stance solid while at the same time not being faithful to her vows and even trying to talk through this challenging time.She appears to have just given up, which is STUNNING for me to experience.
> Look at it this way, you have so much writing from me and insight into my thinking that this will not seem like it comes out of nowhere when it happens, at least from your perspective.Other people will likely be shocked and saddened to hear that I'm gone, thinking things like he seemed so happy, he had such a good life, and not knowing of all of my suffering.You have an insight into my suffering that not even my mother, my brother, my father, my wife, or really, anyone has.I've shared more with you than anyone else.There is no one better suited to explain why I did what I eventually will do.
> It's weird for me to say that I have gone beyond ideation into planning, but that's where I feel like my mind is in at the same time I'm a cool as a cucumber about it all.
> Just like the final was tonight.We literally lost by two darts .
> There's some thing about leaving this place and going to an apartment that makes me feel like I will never come out of it alive.
> Not to mention she can be pretty damn stubborn when her buttons are pushed, and all of that is combined into one.I have no idea if she'll ever get to a space where she could see her self with me againBut even if that time were to come, do you suppose I sit around like the wife of a soldier who's lost in the war, waiting and waiting and waiting.
> Value beyond the cost of money, I can make more money, but maybe I shouldn't miss this opportunity?I look at it in a way that some thing in the universe made that thing show up in YouTube in front of me last night and lead me to her website and made me find that she has this program.I look at it as a happening but it's just so serendipitous.The SelfHealers group is just that it's individually driven and while I know I could do that all on my own I think it would be a more valuable experience going through this with other people dealing with the same shit with a counselor who's done this with dozens and dozens of groups So, you have to fill out an application online, and if you look like a good candidate they want a zoom call with you for 15 minutes just to talk with you before they confirm that you're in to the program.
> Wandering around like a lost soul by the ocean
> I'm going to sit home alone yet another week of my life.I don't have many left to go so makes me feel like why the fuck botherPointless
> It sounded like an older woman and left my number and was what I'm looking for.
> And when I can jump off a bunch of my shit to the storage place, it will be like I've gone from a twin bed to a king make that a California king.
> Hi, awake for a bit.I won't lie waking up on the street is triggering makes me feel like shitIts very depressingThe feeling of "Ive lost at life is all over you"
> What life has felt like since I heard the word divorce and lost my job
> So, like me, by time I got back in only one hour from 3.5Is left
> So the background would be gone as if it was on whiteWhat do you think?When you look at that do you see a double double for In-N-OutThe reason I ask is if I don't put any words on it it's just a painting of a hamburger with two patties but for those in the know that looks like a double double.
> Btw I miss Jenica like crazy
> When everything feels so negative and down all the time it's incredibly discouraging just to be awake and breathing.I don't know how to say it other than that.As much as I try to put my mind in a positive state, to keep motivated, to get up every daytry to push forward, it all feels like I'm getting nowhere.An entire year of my life has gone by and I did nothing other than be depressed and homeless and jobless.It's incredibly discouraging and defeating to have worked and put as many hours in as I have not get noticed at all
> Truly, it sucks to be unable to enjoy this weekend at all.This is something it's looked forward to my whole fucking prayer during life and here it is and I'm guttedI'm sitting in a space where the site and feeling of everything I have lost is in my face.Liz and all three of the boys having all this fun and giggling together I didn't like they always have like their lives are just going on like they always have .
> You haven't lost everything you don't know what this feels like
> I looked at the text and it appears as though I missed five or six deliveries, which is mind blowing that ring six times and I wouldn't hear itAnyhow, I don't have anybody to talk to about this and maybe I should just text myself or text dead end instead of bugging you with this bullshit anyhow that's it
> I know she texted she didn't "really" want to be in contact.We left it as friends and I started texting her like a friend and I think that made it harder for her So...
> I've had a year of rejection that season no end, I put myself out there because I just wanna make a connection and I made the perfect one only to have it disappear on me like I haven't dealt with enough rejection and lost but to meet her and then have that happen.
> Part of me is excited I'm not a ghost and really alive.I've gone half a week without saying a word to anybody or even interacting with somebody to the point of something as simple as moving out of the way of somebody when you're walking towards one another.
> ok, 11am Friday and finally have the stress set aside — not gone mind you — just off my lap and set next to me.Stress is like a 900lb french bulldog that likes to sit in my lap.
> Played summer league tonight as a substitute player.Came down to 701 tiebreaker.Each team all players in rotation.First to zero wins.HAVE to double out to win.Was left with 32 left to win.Hit double 16, outer ring and my team wins the night.Step to the oche.Like meditation, in breath, Out breath.
> maybe I'm just meant to not be happy.maybe the best has passedmaybe as good as it gets has come and gone
> Get out of the car at Darts and look down and see this and go wow that looks a lot like the headphone I've been missing all week.
> Its like I've lost "shock value"Like Jane's Addiction, "Nothing's Shocking"
> I'm not sure if there's literally something missing in my brain that won't let me hold onto these lessons because I should not be beating myself up over this shit for as long as I have
> I'm always reminded of the quotation from Michael Jordan, "you miss 100% of the shots you never take."And like I've shared previously I know that fear has caused me not to take shots over the course of my life and I definitely have missed 100% of those.
> And it seems Jenica is going through a rough time right now and if I'm to believe how it aligns with me, I know it aligns with her because we're both affected by energy that way.I want to text her And let her know I am here at this address until the 25th and then I'm likely leaving California and don't know if I'm coming back and that I would like to see her one more time before I go if for coffee or beer or the best would be to cook her dinner and have her come over I miss her terribly
> It just fucking obliterates it that's why you see so many homeless people that look like fucking zombies they're just lost they've lost their identity and essentially lost their humanity because they don't feel part of this world that we're all walking around in with lattes in our hand
> Leaving the house 20 mins ago I felt like things were stable for a few days.
> Missing nearly entire bottom.From Green DownFor almost 18 months.If that is not some kind of fucking shade of torture when you throw my depression and all the other bullshit like divorce in there.
> However I would like you to read it before I send it you should also know I hand wrote a note to her and left it with her response paperwork.I reiterated to her that I don't want this and that I am still open to talking this through
> I am not achieving anything and at this rate nothing's gonna change so I have to be done with this.Just like Liz gets to choose a divorce without consulting me.I can choose to end my fucking life without saying a word to anyoneYou just wont hear from me anymore because I'm gone.Just like Elizabeth abandoning me, I'm want to abandon lifeI don't want what I have and I don't want this future or the rest of this life because it's not what I want
> I've almost made it to three hours of being awake and haven't lost my shit yet so it's starting out OK I'd like to keep it this way.
> I think I have another hour of dashing left, but they gave me two orders were deliveries to a place that's closed like it's a convenience store but they closed at 10 and it sent me there at like 10 after and then 1015 so I got paid half the amount on both of them which may be seven bucks but free money
> I just wish I could send her the news that I have a new gig and things are gonna be OK for me but it sucks that I've not been able to do that.Part of the reason I've been a hermit is because I didn't want to go through having my heartbroken again like I did with Jenica otherwise I would've still be going out to try to meet WomenMy hunch is Jenica probably thinks I've gone on and kept on dating or something.
> I spend all day, everyday, hundreds of them ALONE, physically and mentally CUT OFF from others and society.Its not like Im going to miss much, other than suffering more.
> I got away from art — my idea of art - when I got my hand on a mouse for a paycheck.I can still see the world the way I did when I was a college art student, but I lost it, like the rest of myself.
> --I'm likely to have storage done tomorrow and COULD leave as early as Sunday amHOWEVER, who wants to take off for 1,000 mile drive with "Destination Unknown"I'm sure its fine, but I've lost my ability to laugh at nuance....
> Best I can make of it isI want to be left aloneI would ideally like to have a small (studio) place to myself away from anywhere with ppl densityMaybe visit others if the chance presented itselfOtherwise id be content living alone, as in ted kasinki unibomber alone.Money, things, chasing shit..All meaningless to me.I want for nothing but the suffering for all living beings to no longer exist and lift from their shoulders and allow healing.
> feel like "whatever"Feels more burdensome to try and do things you enjoy only to find yourself in a deeply confusing and unsettled place.When your go tos are gone
> I find myself no better off mentally a year later—if anything I feel like I've gone backwards, and my chronic trauma of living in the car, going through an additional rejection and heartbreak took me down to really dark places I didn't want to revisit.I've lost more than a year of my life, and every day that passes is another day closer to the end.
> Not being with the boys at a time when all 3 are in the same place is a rare and lost opportunity to be with them.I'm aware, I'm sensitive too it, and during the holiday season it hurts.I know you can imagine what it would be like if you couldn't be with the girls when they're older and in the same place at the same time.....Online now looking at what the latest opportunities are.
> I took that to heart so intensely that I lost myself and was no longer "seen" as well by hiding, stepping back, and other mouse like activities
> —Anyhow, i have dark lines and creases under my eyes, look like hell, body feels shit, and I lost my fucking mind long ago.Another day of non-existence on tap today just like the 500, five fucking hundred days PLUS previous.No money, no prospects, and been trying like a mother fucker.
> If I had published two years ago I may not have ended up in a car living inside of it for a year.I always lament about not starting a blog in the late 90s and starting a YouTube channel in 2006, you know when those opportunities are there and then they're gone, like mining for bitcoin.I think I finally gotten to the point where either way I'm gonna die , and whether I publish this or not it's really not gonna impact the end.
> thing is I missed a 30% off offer for making a store so I could buy a sample or two to see what they look like.
> Feel like I missed a train or a message somewhere.Liz's email has an attitude that I'm going to ask be stopped.
> Will take many months to save thousands of dollars for a down payment on any vehicle.I dont want this, but looks like its happening.More psychological shame and guilt to deal with on top of what I got already.More loss, more setbacks.Very inspiring.Yay me.
> —This really sucks.I was actually feeling what I would consider "ok" for like only the second day since September.thats all gone now
> From April 24 of last year up until the 24th of this month.I'd say I'm facing limits and boundaries and heavy pressure and I definitely feel like I'm missing out on something important like living .It's telling me I have to confront myself and make decisions about where I'm headed but that's a little hard when I have no ability to get myself better It says to let go of what is no longer serving me.This existence comes to mind
> The rest of us were like kids in bumper cards trying things, banging into each other until you learned how the bumper car always tilts to the left.....
> Weird to be disconnected like this.In CA I had Declan, Darragh, Sherry, and dart ppl.Soon enuf it will be 6 months here.Repossessed car is about all thats moved forward.Still brokeStill aloneStill not on my feetStill not wellI was not lying when I said it will take a long time.Dont have much of it left.
> My life has already happenedMy "as good as it gets" has already come and gone.I have felt that for over a year nowJust havent shared it
> Like i dont exist.Ive lost the whining and crying about depression it seems.
> k, lots of work on Trees site — we can talk about it with her if you like.Also, got Paypal working on VCDA's website.They are stoked, as am I.Leaving Cafe, headed back to meditate, another hour of work and then painting
> The friction comes from others, not me, like my situation with Jenica.I will NEVER forget that I could still be with her to this day living the dream in Ventura—if not for LOST LOSER mode.I can't risk that type of heartbreak again.
> —There are options that exist this very fucking minute for me to try to get out of this but because of money I can't get it.I was told last summer that if I left California I'd get to the ketamine and get some help.While I'm not in the car, MY BRAIN IS STILL IN THE CAR.—The only difference is not living in my car and being able to eat regular meals through the kindness of your mother.Otherwise I still basically feel the same.—I only exist to suffer.Thats all Ive done for years.Its unacceptable to exist like this.Im tired of being here, or anywhere.And I WILL PUT AND END TO IT.—I mean at some point I am gonna do it.and then everybody's gonna sit around and wonder why nothing happened, and that I kept warning you over and over and over again I was going to do it.
> I want to know what deep happiness and joy feel likeOr what it feels like to have a partner be uninhibited in expressing themselves for fear of whatever.It simply sucks to know if we'd gone to counseling or were able to talk before the day she decided no more.
> —GM Realizing this AM I've been here 5.5 months.I consciously work to keep people at a distance.I cant make connections of ANY kind until Im independent.This doesnt help depression, but only other option I have, no one else wants but me.Summer gets here and Im still in the place, Im seriously considering disappearing all-together.Just gone one day.No one will find me until I'm gone.Suicide is becoming a calmer, less frantic option.It comes up when im not frantically in a fit of darkness.—So an interesting Tuesday of being alone in my head all day again like the over 500 I've already survived.Fucking hate this / it.pure, distilled essence of I dont fucking care anymore but I'll pretend to go through the motions to make other people happy day.
> All that crying was for all I lost, and for the little kid in me who was scared of being alive.I lived in abject fear of my father from as early as I have memories.The last straw was the punch square in the front teeth at age 13 because I was late getting home from sledding at 4th street.
> Birthdays here.Im like this, I will dissapear.No one will find me.And if u do, I'll already be gone.Not doing this forever.I will end this fucking show.And I wont have to wake up like this ANYMORE!!That is SO APPEALING!Freedom from this fucking mental and physical prison.Same shit new day no more!!You all might be crying, but I'll be doing the god damn HAPPY DANCE!Ok, time to go live my day in prison.☮️
> You've heard me say it even before he was fucking inaugurated that there was gonna be problemsHe's destroying the country from the inside faster than I thought humanly possible for one person to doBut it seems like Congress lost their balls somewhere
> I've never lost a parent so I'm not quite sure what things will be dredged up but I feel like I've got the right tool kit to deal with it when the time comes.
> I find that odd because she should have Lizs info, and shes a direct connection to Liz.wtf is going on?I texted joanna anitas info, it shows up green like she's offline.I then call Anita back as she asked, and got VM.I left a message and gave her Joannas home phone and cell phone.
> Just awake.Deciding if I want to even get out of bed today.I may sleepNo reason in getting up other than feeling like shit all day.DepressedDiscouagedAnd Alone Day number, i lost count
> GM.Weird headspace this morning.Have had this tension headache for going on 3/4 days nowAt the 2-years-and-no-regular-job-slacker-moment.Part of me wants to self implode like a pulsar star into my own new black hole to sit inside of and be left alone — just simply go away.Feel like my skull is going to explode.
> Everything about me is less than.How do I confidently repair myself when, even in the basement, I never feel fully at peace or rest.I feel like Im in someones schedule and Im missing their deadlines I know nothing about.I dont want to be in this situationAnd really feel I have no place on earth that is MY HOMEFuck this placeGnite
> Dominant feeling is "go away, disappear, smoothly so no ripples or fuss.Honestly, people might be sad for about a month at my passing, but then life will go on like it always does Only a memory and soon enuf thats gone with time too
> Figures because he's the most like me out of the three.I'll just simply try to wrap it up this way.I don't have a lot of patience left.
> Feels like wind is gone from my sails.Was feeling tiny bit motivated.to get back to working on videos and art.
> Like I said missing the creators wound and also really blind to how I see recognition or compliments as unearned because I was simply doing my job and delivering what was expected anywaySo so incredibly blind to this
> My "family" has gone on without me living together as if nothing has changed in their lives
> Tired of not feeling okTired of the bullshit in my wayTired of living the same day again and againTired of rejectionTired of ageismTired of lonlinessTired of happy peopleTired of being aliveWaking up and doing this over and over is getting me NO WHERESeems like today goes into the "lost day" column.
> Have been breaking down all day.Tears, sadness, GRIEF like omfgI thought all this shit was out of mePast 3 days not great.My nervous system feels burned out.
> It feels as though I was given a fantastic life and had it RIPPED out of my hands and I'm left with no family and 2/3 boys communicating with me.
> In my mind Liz is as lost as the MAGA.
> 6months have gone by and my highlight is a week in a mental hospital.Am I the only one who acknowledges how fucking long this has gone on?Simply dont want anymore of this never ending bullahit of being alive with this in my head.No one knows what its like inside my headMost would be long gone already, dead and buriedThe others would ask "how da fuck do u deal?!?"
> Debilitating Depression.Slept yesterday away.Was in bed up until an hour ago.May go back to sleep.Doing as much as I can online before my headache kicks in.Also, will be heading East soon.Unsure if I'm staying there, or coming back.Thinking of leaving car here since towing its makes driving my storage shit to NY more expensiveMy car going to NY, KEEPS ME in NY.And I dont want that.
> Parents were gone since Sunday, back home today.It was nice to not be around the energy 24/7, but its back.I didn't have to contend with the "energy"'at all at ur Moms.Now much of my time is spent processing energy I soaked in constantly while living here.Only now has it really hit just how deep this energy and dynamic fucked me up for my whole life.Losing, defeat whatever u call it, its where I am now.I dont like this mental space I'm in.
> Being isolated sucksCannot engage with people until my life is sortedAt this pace, that wont happen before I'm deadEveryday is exactly the same againAnd the support I had in CO is goneFlying on my own againStuck in survival modeAnd parental energy 24/7 is like 800 lbs of lead weight tied to your waist while trying to tread water.

## Vivid Descriptions / Storytelling
> His shoulders are crooked (left shoulder lower than right) and his head hangs all the way forward, as if you were looking down at the tips of your toes and touching your chin to chest W/O bending your upper torso.
> I can see it in my face in the mirror—grief, and loss.And yet I breathe and somehow wake up...just to be aliveon this fresh morningin the broken world....another day closer to the endpassing without noticeto the sound of joyin the air about youdeafened by the soundsyour soul infinitely weeping from the unwanted hurtyou cannot take back.I have no way to sayto the one I love dearesthow deeply sorry I amfor all the hurt I've causedover all these years together.Unable to undo what was done I fear all bridges are burnedand I can never returnto the love I cherish more than any other.
> I've lost an incredible amount of body fluid through my eyes over the weekend
> Rocks were slightly exposed among small shrubs and it was tight wire manageable.There were two moments where I lost my balance switching weight between my legs to climb up.Dont know how I didn't fall backwards, not once, but twice.After the second one I was a bit nerve wracked.
> I'm not crazy, at least yet, but the entirety of my situation is sitting fully square on my shoulders today.Its hard to turn my head left or right because.
> I could make it more if I see you I wont engage with you because I have a boundary and you're not allowed in my world.Also, I'm wondering if she's having second thoughts now that she's staring at the paperwork....Its a different thing to say it, and then see it in your hands....I have not access or insight into what's going on for her so I'm lost as to what to do, other than be quiet, which is what I always do and don't want to do in this instance.
> feeling lost and hard to focus in any direction
> —So I should head that way before winter hits hard.That is if Im going that way.Can't see past 48hours and right now I'm not leaving in next 48Like I mentioned to my parents some likely heading up to Ojai to see if I can have my amount of stuff in storage so I can move into a smaller space
> —Anyhow, i have dark lines and creases under my eyes, look like hell, body feels shit, and I lost my fucking mind long ago.Another day of non-existence on tap today just like the 500, five fucking hundred days PLUS previous.No money, no prospects, and been trying like a mother fucker.
> I can't tell if you're getting these messages cause they're green on my side and they're usually blue and I'm wondering if I already lost my connection or part of my connection.I'm really tired and I'm dashing in 12 hours from now one hour in the morning and then the same thing in the evening
> And I know the answer for those left behind from a suicide.Why?Because of the incessant pain, dark, and misery thats on u tel:247365.And that others are too asleep in their own lives worried about the kardashians, whats for dinner, or someone bruised their ego.
> --I've resigned all will to be here.My life has gone, and keeps going, nowhere at the speed of light.Over 600 days of black hole deep depression, and sadness.
> From April 24 of last year up until the 24th of this month.I'd say I'm facing limits and boundaries and heavy pressure and I definitely feel like I'm missing out on something important like living .It's telling me I have to confront myself and make decisions about where I'm headed but that's a little hard when I have no ability to get myself better It says to let go of what is no longer serving me.This existence comes to mind
> —Thoughts of time running out before anything happensBeing in wrong place at wrong time over and over and overinvisible to the worldLargely useless because brainPsychologically giving up hoping — waste of time and energyThe end of this is comingJust dont care.In physical pain and mental pain for over 500 days in a row.If Im honest, if I did commit suicide last year, i wouldnt have missed much.Only more suffering and pain.If I end, it endsAnd I want that.
> I also lost all sense of self, body, physical sense I was anywhere.Disconnected from the body.I got so deep I got freaked out for a bit.Thought I crossed overOr wasnt coming back hereMade me crack open my eye to see if the room still existed.
> —Weird morning.Had to cancel reiki.Dont have enough $$ to pay sucks.Off to med visit at 9amThen stuck in my head the rest of today with my headache and float in unhappiness.And have lost motivation on YT vids, or pretty much anything.
> Like I said missing the creators wound and also really blind to how I see recognition or compliments as unearned because I was simply doing my job and delivering what was expected anywaySo so incredibly blind to this
> —AND SHE WONT tell me to do with my half of assets.She attempting to tell me what I am going to do with the money I get in her latest email.I want to say...Kindly, ‘fuck you' because you lost any and ALL privileges to say anything to me with the idea that you have any influence, sway or impact on what I do is not only rude, it assumes you're in control — you are not.I will take my half and light in of fire if I want to.You decided you want a divorce, time to pay up, shut up, go away, and leave me the fuck alone.