# Fear

*Motifs: fear, not, she, all, know, life*

## Quotations
> I was crippled by inaction and fear.
> totally groundless fear.
> I'm afraid they're going to want to push medication right away.
> I'm sitting here on the computer right now afraid and scared
> fear is dominating my life, and by extension defining my life
> All I can say to that is "I think so" mainly because fear and anxiety have dominated the scene for me for so long.
> Been waking up scared the past 3-4 days and dont shake it until the afternoon.
> I know I still have not articulated what I'm scared of.
> I've made a little bit of progress in unpacking what I am afraid of
> I fear that people are going to leave me.
> Why would I fear people leaving me?
> One thing I did discover, is that I have a huge fear of disappointing people, and letting people down.
> I see you're disciplining my kids, my wife, my coworkers and I in a constant state of panic and fear that I'm going to let people down, it gets fucking annoying after a while
> Btw this is just one thing fear, there are others but they are Still not entirely clear to me
> What I need is a way to figure out how to process that first thing with my dad and hard to know that everything's OK and I don't need to be fucking scared
> Ever since you've asked me what I'm afraid of I wake up each morning looking for it
> Remember the fear thing?I'm afraid of getting in trouble.That may sound weird but it's the best way I can describe trying to avoid my father's wrath growing up.
> I don't know how that type of fear extends into my life in general.
> But it's a fear that's very real for me and it's kind of free-floating
> it does go frighteningly fast
> have a weird mix of anxiety, fear, and fatigue.
> What to do with the fellow sitting in the corner gnashing his teeth, and filled with anxiety and dread?
> If I were to take a guess its compounded fears and such over time.
> Not having enough resources in the future I think is my fear—getting old and being dirt poor, living in some public convalescent home and all alone, and dying alone.
> I have this fear, that I've never really identified, and its being alone.
> Fear of embarrassment, feeling less than others, low self esteem, etc.
> yes, fear of leaving us and being left all alone
> I feel lots of dread and stress
> I'm afraid more people are going to "pop" like this clown and the asshole in Atlanta
> And then the dread of having to do it again, like Bill Murray in Groundhog day.
> When young I hid my heart far, far away because of the constant fear of punishment (verbal and/or physical) at the hands of my father.
> waves of fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, grief and despair.feeling awful, but if I remember correctly its just a feeling and hopefully it will pass
> He has/had a MASSIVE fear of dying early.
> In fact I find it REALLY interesting not to feel fear/panic AT ALL.
> I can tell that subconsciously I'm reticent to really engage with her for fear of hurting her more, and making her leave
> Btw, was triggered hard this morning waking up to the sound of my dad raging 😡Took me back to 11 years old.The fear trigger was instant.
> Need it to disarm the fear and worry, and deepen my ability to stay calm continuously
> My mind kept trying to bring me down, make me fear.
> Darrell, I'm really scared and hurt.
> But it triggers fear from childhood insecurities.
> Liked "I would question your label of the fear.
> That may be one component but you know this fear and so it's power is not as strong?
> I was too wrapped up in fear and anxiety in the moment to be present to all the good fortune and blessings I had
> I feel the need to look her straight in the eye and ask her if she wants me gone, a divorce, but a part of me is so afraid to ask because if she were to say yes...I don't know wtf I would do.
> I feel weak, stupid, fearful and massive SHAME
> So I've lived an entire year of my life incredibly depressed and anxious and have had my worst nightmare and worst fear come to be real
> My fears are coming true
> She said I made her scared a lot and that she has no trust.
> WTF And I've asked her and the response is that I scared her, I intimidated her she was frightened of me.
> She doesn't share her fears and feelings with me
> Certainly my father set the bar for that.What I don't understand is before that event she was scared of me I mean she even said that.
> She feared me for the rage, anger, and dark depression that was overflowing out of me regardless of the masking I tried.She feared for herself and the boys.
> This morning I've discovered I don't know who I am.My whole life has been lived in reaction to and fear of others.
> It actually is something I look forward to instead of dread
> I'm gonna send you what I just wrote about her decision.The one thing I need your perspective on is taking in the context of her fear.
> The question I have is if you are, that terrified, you scream, you kick you punch.
> They both accepted the apology and told me honestly they never felt threatened by me were scared by me.
> Doesn't treat me, like I'm a bad person, but I'm afraid if we start talking about that, I don't know it's gonna change our relationship or something.
> She has the trauma of watching him turn into somebody else, and she was probably terrified of him.
> She was scared of me in a way that the boys were not and when I asked him about being scared, it's more about my driving during that period of time which I was a grumpy driver.
> Her heightened fear makes total sense to me now, and I remember the way she used to look at me with big eyes and there was like concern/fear behind them.Oh my god this is huge.
> She was living her early life trauma all over again.In retrospect, I recall her being weird/afraid in a way I had never seen before.
> ## I never put that together before.She has the trauma of watching Tim turn into somebody else, and she was terrified seeing him go through that transformation—SHE FELT HELPLESS and TERRIFIED.
> I had completely lost my ability to communicate pretty much anything with Liz because the energy of my severe depression and rejection frustration was palpable—it terrified her.
> Reflect on how much useful energy you have spent on fear and worry.
> I'm really fucking scared.
> I'm actually frightened by the prospect of living alone
> I'm frightened the depression is going to come out of the closet at night and get inside me again
> The fear of being alone.
> Im honestly fearful of moving out away from my family and being isolated and alone.
> I took that to heart.then Covid.during that time I do recall her saying she was scared of me and I was taken aback.
> She said the boys were scared of me—I asked them individually and no—didnt feel scared or threatened by me in any way all during the pandemic.
> Or maybe she was afraid of me blowing my top because I was still not stable.
> Honestly, when I move out of it the house and I'm all alone, it really may be the very end of me.I fear that day
> I'm scared, won't lie.
> None of it scares me, frightens me or phases me in the slightest
> I operate from fear.
> A place from fear where I am going to let people down or they will discover that I am a fraud.
> He's about 62 has dreadlocks and has the four British accent.
> I was just expressing my frustration with my situation.Today's the first day I felt truly terrified for where I'm headed
> I know this because I can feel it inside of me, unexplored depths.That space frightens me as I think that's when people check out.
> Honestly, I'm getting close to being afraid of myself
> Im scared how pathetic is that?
> I'm scared of me
> That's when I get scared of myself.
> Emailed you invites to 2 of the fear/resentment exercises I did from CrappyFairy.
> And then, the time I almost drove my car off a cliff and turned at the last fucking second, that actually scared the shit out of me
> I was scared shitless of the end of this month.
> And fears
> Tears for Fears.
> It sucks to know that your life was capable of so much more than the scared, frightened life I've lived.
> I was afraid of life without wife/family3.
> Part of me deep down is afraid of opening up and getting hurt.
> https://seths.blog/2023/09/the-mvp-and-fear/
> Fear and the MVP
> Working on putting trust into that and parking the doubt and fear
> Growing up fearing your father with zero sense he cared, only criticism.
> Every once and a while the enormity of what I am trying to carry and get through overwhelms me.Tears, fear, frozen from action.
> I've been indecisive my entire life, based in fear of going the wrong way, or picking the wrong thing.
> And good day to you.I watched my mind create new stories from hearing something and then trigger an emotional response with fear 😰 If not conscious and aware that would have autopiloted me.
> I am absolutely not afraid of fucking moving forward.
> Being with her proves to me that happiness is on meI'm still feeling the need to people please and sometimes I'm afraid of saying things
> Those who understand its trappings can release grief and lessen their fears.
> But talking to therapist isn't going to solve my head I'm afraid.
> Interesting that when I face Elizabeth I feel fear.
> In fact, I haven't looked in a month because I'm afraid it's worse.
> Like for example, if I'm ready to get real and somebody's afraid, that somebody else needs to get check in on what that afraid is
> I would just love to know why she was so afraid of me before all this happened.
> Judging myself as a weak fearful ineffective man.
> When I look back from high up that's what I see.Someone who lived in fear of making people upset.
> Actually, it's not it's completely driven from anxiety and fear.
> I want to text JenicaI'm afraid if I wait until my life is perfect it may be too late
> Not sure I'm ready to read it for fear of triggering myself and being useless all day.
> Confidence vs FearI can tell you I regret letting fear stop me over my life in so many different situations worried about what other people think.
> Stop for a moment and reflect on how much time you spend dwelling on others?Exactly.In the moments of fear I'm blinded to the fact that I don't get do overs.
> I have this incredible sense of panic, anxiety, and fear.
> I had T-Mobile call me yesterday and today my bill is late and they I fear will shut my phone off.
> I lived my entire life in a place of fearI know of nothing elseno other existence No other perspective or perception No other way of being
> What I'm fearful of is arrogance or the whiff of entitlement.
> WordReplace shyness with FearI've lived that.
> Too much fear in the world.
> One thing I've become acutely aware of is that I have lived in fear and that has guided and influenced my entire life.There wasn't a choice other than fear until recently.
> That's the thing I fear for you is you're so focused on all the shit that you might put some of your wellness and self-care on the back burner.
> I had never done before and to just do it like don't be afraid.
> Today may be the first time in this entire experience where I've legitimately felt scared of the future
> I'm gonna go hang around the dark people because I'm honestly scared about hanging out by myself
> And that is the fear I would fall into codependency with her.
> I live in a constant state of overwhelm, depression and fear.Living from inside a trauma response 24/7 is all normalized for me now.
> A chicken shit afraid of his own shadow
> Dont want to lose the car.I don't want to take my mind there—too frightening for me.
> Maybe the lesson I'm supposed to be learning is to live without fear.
> I know that fear for me shows up in all areas of my life professionally through imposter syndrome personally through fear of coming off as an asshole, just fear of rejection and disapproval.
> Last thing.It's part of the human condition.Fear.Every single human being has a fear.It may only be one, but they have one.
> And I think it is thru fear I will find connection with others
> FEARFalseEvidenceApearringReal
> I feel it is based in the fear category.
> You wake up with more rejection coming from all angles of my life, dreading every day for over two years.
> I don't feel too well and feel scared
> That's why I fear becoming a hermit or eternal loner
> She claims that she's scared and fearful because I raise my voice and I swear that's itWhen I told that to your mom and my mom when they were here, they both laughed out loud
> She simply frightened at an empowered Bert
> Something feels very different to me in my brain I'm really fucking scared
> But not for someone I don't know.There is risk, there is fear.But there is also my mask & my winning formula—my swiss army knife of social skills that get me out of weird moments in conversation
> Until some of these things are behind me or better managed I'm afraid I'm stuck in life.
> that part of my shadow that I've been introduced to that takes the reins and doesn't give a shit is the one I fear taking control once bad news arrives
> Interesting the fear thats thereWhats wild is i dont feel the fear in my body.
> I was too fucking scared to do it.
> I'm afraid I'm gonna run out of battery.
> Ive never felt this detached emotionally from thinking about itMeans im not scared
> Turning into a bitter, angry asshole who isnt afraid to tell you youre an asshat to your face
> Fear kept me from developing lasting relationships with people.
> Its sad, all I see in my past is failuresAnd fearNo fun
> The two of us would be fucking hilarious when we get scared
> I know this is my fear of adjusting.
> Fear of unknown.I'm not delusional thinking that nothing will ever say consistentHowever that seems to be what the subconscious is grasping for consistency anywhere in life
> my head in stuck in existential dread
> --I was blind to it before and simply struggled and pushed my way thru life simply because I was scared.A life lived entirely from a place of FEAR
> I'm not afraid of trying shit.
> In fact its fear of letting go, not fear of the reaper.I have no fear of letting go because its all I focus on now.No attachment.Maybe thats why tapping out seems like not a big deal to me.
> Interesting that a relationship isnt what m looking for fear of codependence and helplessness
> While good, I fear nothing will happen or move glacially with regard to alternative therapies.At this point i just want mind bloom asap.
> I keep getting messages to trust my intuition which I've turned away from my whole life out of fear.
> once the store goes online, and the marketing is automated (hootsuite perhaps) I'm going to design the next two posters that I already have queued up: Masking and Fear
> Feeling imbalanced biglyYesterday I was afraid to NOT be doing something with every waking minute.
> Fear and being afraid of the world and people stopped me.
> not a panic attack.Have sustained internal nervous tremor that wont go away 😬its being driven by LOTS of FEAR.
> brings up anxiety and fear of unknown
> I stuffed myself down inside to avoid being a ‘normal kid' who makes lots of mistakes.Im afraid of making mistakes to this day.
> last thing.I mention it in the podcast and it will be a BIG THEME throughout.FEAR.
> Fear manifests in many forms and I'll talk about that too.
> lots of fear and isolation
> lived whole life out of fear.
> Personally remembering that only brings up FEAR of not just what I need, but fear of opening my mouth, or making any type of loud noise.
> I'm sick of being afraid of speaking my mind and holding back just because I'm worried about what other people fucking think or feel
> Now i go spend the day in my head, in my hall of mental mirrors, stressed, worried, anxious, fearful, sad, lonely, discouraged, and depressed.
> Its with the fear that wont dissipate.
> I fear for Aidan, but he shows no fear.
> Growing up in tel:247365 fear, only to think I got away from it moving to California.
> Scared the shit out of me.Think its because Ive had a fucked up brain so longDont know
> Never have I lived from a place that was not fear based.
> Combined with the feeling ive compromised my entire life thru fear and making ppl happy, and putting myself in the back row
> It was weird to think back and how much what I experienced closed SO many doors out of fear
> "Living diligently aware of death does not mean living in fear, but living awake."I'm wide awake, no skin, nerves exposed to the air.I FEEL EVERYTHING without fear or favor.
> cannot shake the memory of her being terribly worried about me moving to CA, and things not working out, and the fear of getting old and being dumped for a younger woman — like her mom.
> _ mixed feelings todaytrying more and more to listen to my body.listen to whats underneath all the fear
> Incredibly depressing to realize Ive lived my whole life afraid of existing and depressedI'm fed up with human consciousness.
> Liked "Meme is dealing with her own demons and the passing if my father has stirred the fear of mortality.
> I've been doing it for my father since kindergarten.And I do it in pretty much every relationship I have because I fear of rejection and abandonment
> today, doing divorce stuff, along with this being the second day after a treatment has mad this a particularly miserable day.Add rain.Add loneliness.Add existensial dread to keep doing this.
> I cry alot when I look at little me in that frog shirt, doing his BEST masked smile, knowing the FEAR behind those eyes, and how terrified I was when I walked off the photo spot.
> I believe I nearly passed out from the overwhelm of panic and fear — but I didnt.
> unable to move forward on anythingstuck in looping thinking, panic attacks and fear.Another amazing day
> did I mention:—no social life for nearly a year—fear of crowds-energy suck—feeling transparent—people look THRU you—feeling of failure—not good enough
> Personally highlights that I did accomplish alot carrying a ton of mental illness.However all the accomplishments were driven from a place of fear, of not being good enuf.
> He doesnt want to hear that hes part of the root cause of how I am.Growing up terrified of someone ur supposed to feel safest with, fucks u up

## Vignettes
> yesterday was terrible.
> I was crippled by inaction and fear.
> totally groundless fear.
> I'm afraid they're going to want to push medication right away.
> I don't want medication at all.
> I've been on that shit and I just masks the problems
> Hey there.
> Another morning of bad anxiety.
> Been waking up scared the past 3-4 days and dont shake it until the afternoon.
> 😟
> I've discovered I have a giant insecurity around people that are close to me.
> I fear that people are going to leave me.
> And ultimately I will be all alone.
> I tried to dig deeper to understand what's underneath this.
> Why would I fear people leaving me?
> I don't think I have abandonment issues, or do I?
> hey there, happy thursday.
> I didn't forget about your question and been thinking about it alot.
> Not having enough resources in the future I think is my fear—getting old and being dirt poor, living in some public convalescent home and all alone, and dying alone.
> Yeah, its weird because I consciously avoid people.
> Fear of embarrassment, feeling less than others, low self esteem, etc.
> whatever holds me back from engaging with people sometimes.
> I liken myself to a functional depressive.
> I can work, and move thru all the required machinations and jump through the requisite hoops every day.
> But its living life on a daily basis—the excitement comes from making it through another day.
> And then the dread of having to do it again, like Bill Murray in Groundhog day.
> I've lived my entire life in my head.
> When young I hid my heart far, far away because of the constant fear of punishment (verbal and/or physical) at the hands of my father.
> Loving kindness was not modeled for me as a child, tween, teen, young adult.
> Instead I lived in a heightened state of alarm, 24/7 - or at least while my father was at home.
> Oy.
> got super bad vibes tonight.
> really ominous feelings.
> waves of fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, grief and despair.feeling awful, but if I remember correctly its just a feeling and hopefully it will pass
> I know—he would have bet his house he would likely never see his 70s.
> He has/had a MASSIVE fear of dying early.
> jbert#1 died 41jbert#2 died 43jbert#3 died 33
> I've faced intentionally and not—many triggers what would in most cases send me on an emotional bender (all internal—no one outside my head has NO idea) and I've not been triggered.
> In fact I find it REALLY interesting not to feel fear/panic AT ALL.
> Like I'm kool and the gang with whatever is going down.
> A share.
> No action for you.Reconciling the suffering I feel daily as "a choice" with daily reminder/memory of hurting the one I love more deeply than I can comprehend.
> It can be an overwhelming and all-encompassing feeling that is hard to be rational with.
> It has an ouroboros quality to it—something I'm all too familiar with.The ‘gut-punch' is autonomic to me — it happens without thought or provocation, just tears, sadness, and weeping.
> Liken it to eternal grieving.All these months later it hurts more as time goes on.
> I can see it in my face in the mirror—grief, and loss.And yet I breathe and somehow wake up...just to be aliveon this fresh morningin the broken world....another day closer to the endpassing without noticeto the sound of joyin the air about youdeafened by the soundsyour soul infinitely weeping from the unwanted hurtyou cannot take back.I have no way to sayto the one I love dearesthow deeply sorry I amfor all the hurt I've causedover all these years together.Unable to undo what was done I fear all bridges are burnedand I can never returnto the love I cherish more than any other.
> Just got hit with wave of emotions.
> Liz isn't wearing her wedding ring and I'm making a bad story about what that means.
> It could be symbolic, I don't know.
> But it triggers fear from childhood insecurities.
> Last thing, I have these periods of time where I feel very calm and don't feel the frequency or vibration in my body and it's amazing.
> Then I have some random thought and trigger here and anxiety and uncertainty thoughts that my whole life is going to blow up on me, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
> Feeling that a lot and it terrifies me stops me in my tracks and sometimes crying hard and dry heaving.
> I won't lie I'm really scared.Actually the most scared I've ever been in my entire life eclipsing anything from my childhood it's almost incomprehensible, and unbearable when my mind is in that scared space.Fear of abandonment.
> Liked "I would question your label of the fear.
> That may be one component but you know this fear and so it's power is not as strong?
> It's probably a combination of fears...Fear of loss of identity Fear of loss of a future you thought was a givenFear of failure Fear of judgement I list these not to impart them as your fears or ones you should consider.
> I list them to point out each one has a story that causes a feeling.
> All of which is happening in the matrix and is not real.
> Remember the best course of action is self care."
> Just had a small interpersonal interaction with LizJust feeling the dark side of her.Little to know words, and flat.She seems extremely tired and burnt out or mad and keeps a lid on it.
> I cannot tell.There are parts of my ability to interact with her that are stymied for whatever reason.I have 2 things.1.
> I am concerned about her well-being with as many demands that are on her shoulders—in particular, with being the primary contact and caregiver with her mom and the myriad of details that involves.
> Besides the fact that her mom's health has been unsteady these past couple of months.2.
> I am so confused as to how to be most helpful.
> I've offered help anytime it is needed to both Liz and Sallie—perhaps I need to reiterate that to them.
> But I don't know if maybe going away again would be most helpful.
> Is my being here a burden to Liz because she's already dealing with a lot?
> I was gone 1/3 the year of the incident.
> I've processed it alone for myself, but not entirely with her.I keep thinking back on her looking me square in the eye and saying, "I'm done." and it pierced my heart.I love her dearly and have never wavered in my devotion to her, but I'm somehow standing here seemingly watching her suffer with trying to keep everything going.There's a part of me that thinks she wants a divorce, but a part of her is afraid to say it to me for fear of my reaction (considering her experience of my state of mind).This is all so fucking heartbreaking and sad for both of us.
> Our relationship should have never gotten into this weird space.Personally, I was just hit with a wave of tears and sad emotion—like love dying and had to pause.Was just thinking about the feeling of living between spaces in suspended animation like Man on Wire
> I've been thinking a great deal about where I am presently.
> I'm feeling a great deal of daily stress from my work status (have made maybe $500 in 3 months) and my relationship is essentially a persistent feeling of being ghosted.Whenever I'm in the same space as Liz I can feel her energy, I feel the suffering she is holding on to.
> I feel it, I see it, I experience it.She is dealing with a great deal.
> Her mom is ok, but on dialysis now and not knowing if that's permanent.
> Sallie also has some ticker issues going on too.
> Students arrive today for preseason sports, so the impending school year is looming large.
> Imagine going back to the classroom is it's own unique stress as well.I find myself feeling similar to how I felt before things blew up, forgotten, ignored, & ghosted.
> However, I'm unsure if my selfishness for a relationship resolution is lying to me by making those feelings surface, it's what I sense.Simultaneously I have an enormous amount of compassion and empathy for Liz and want to be helpful, not hurtful, as I've sadly exceeded that quota.
> I've shared my willingness to help out Sallie and her in whatever ways I can be of service.Oh, and I just remembered Kona.
> She is still training for it, but no one is talking about it and unsure what if any travel plans are in place.
> I know I don't have a ticket, that's about it.I'm in uncharted territory taking things hour by hour, day by day, and it's incredibly stressful.
> I can feel as I type this that my shoulders and neck and locked and hot to touch.
> My body is feeling it hard.
> Meditation practice is deepening and sessions less than 30mins feel too short now.It's been good because I feel I'm fighting a lie inside my head, and that is this.Liz is avoiding me very hard at moment because the wall she's holding up between us is how she is surviving this period of time.But that's because she wants to tell me that she's done being married to me, but she can't do that right now because that would be too much with everything going on, and push her over her "edge." A part of my brain is reading her likes she's afraid to say it to my face because she fears my reaction(s).
> She's seen me lose it over much much less.I feel more and more like I shouldn't be here, but if not here, where?
> I'm in my house but weirdly feel homeless.
> Lots of confusion based on hunches and nonsense.Anyhow feel like I'm rambling now.Haven't talked with another person about these thoughts and needed to get them out of my head.Thanks for reading and be well 🙏
> Hello, my mind has been racing all morning.
> Anxiety has a way of fueling crazy thinking I folded laundry and it helped slow down things.Heavy sadness and a deep understanding of how I contributed to the current situation.So much behavior driven from a place of fear, perceived failure, shame, guilt, and emotional and interpersonal immaturity.
> Also, the Inability to speak my truth, self advocate, ask for something I want or need help with, and inability to share what I'm thinking because of shame.All that part of me is survival.
> It's who I was as a kid.
> A part of me that's frozen in time and sadly where I operated from when depressed.
> Also something that became very clear to me.
> I asked her to tell me how she is feeling.
> I asked her to tell me about you know her feelings of around you know us whatever you know around things and she never really answers the question she answers it by saying something along the lines I'm paraphrasing here "what do you think my feelings would be, you raped me."And I realize that her feeling is just that she feels that word, the "r" word.I have a blank spot, lack of understanding on how she would think I would ever be capable of that.
> We been together nearly 30 years and all of a sudden I'm a rapist?
> WTF And I've asked her and the response is that I scared her, I intimidated her she was frightened of me.
> I didn't know that until way later on deep into the depression and drinking and getting high.
> I've been very clear to her that I love her beyond measure, that I would take a bullet for her I would die for her.
> And it's not within my DNA to harm her in anyway.
> Even if I was intoxicated.
> I may have been intoxicated but I wasn't blacked out I wasn't unconscious.I was not myself when that happened.
> I was mentally ill deeply mentally ill and in copious amounts of alcohol and pot and you have a hot mess on your handsNow what she does not understand is that even in that state of mind I never would do that to her ever ever ever.
> That night the moment, the millisecond I sensed something not right I jumped right up and was right next to her asking what was wrong what is the matter what's going on what's the matterI had no idea because she hit her face and head under a pillow, the lights were low, the music was on, I was giving her a massage, we've done this routine many many times.
> There was nothing unusual about any part of that night except that if she didn't want me on her she should've turned and shouted in my face.She hid her face expression and voice and she didn't move her legs or anything in any kind of weird way, she was her body language was totally normal but she was suffering under the pillow and I, word on my mothers life, I had no goddamn idea that was going on.
> I've never been violent with her in 30 years of us being together, or physically violent.
> Certainly my father set the bar for that.What I don't understand is before that event she was scared of me I mean she even said that.
> I didn't doubt her, but I didn't understand, and still do not understand what she thought I was gonna do to her or the kids.
> I was in the middle of major depressive disorder, so I wasn't a very pleasant person to be around, I was pretty goddamn negative about just everything.
> I was told I should get help, and to some degree I agreed.
> But the depression was a lying motherfucker and convinced me, fuck that, don't check yourself into a hospital, they take away the things I use to numb me from despair and Depression and nail biting anxiety, keep beating yourself up because you deserve it, you're not worth it, you are better off dead.So I get it I was miserable to be around, but that's a mental illness, what the fuck am I supposed to do when I'm the one drowning????I'm supposed to jump out of the water and grab the lifesaver,and throw it in and save myself??WTAFShould have interventioned my ass with Derick and Molly and others to convince me to get help and I know I would have done it.The depression was totally in control of meAnd the depression only wanted my suffering I think you know me pretty well, know who I am at my core.
> I love people I love animals I love living things I am not evil, I'm not a bad person I've tried all my life to be as good a person as I can be otherwise I get the fucking belt, right?It just breaks my heart she thinks I did something that I'm not capable of
> She has a white-knuckle grip on her pain and it feels like she needs my validation.Since the hike and my shift when I spoke with her I see everything differently.I still feel sorrow and remorse for what happened that night and Liz was hurt deeply from that experience and the accumulation of toxic fear leading up to it.
> She feared me for the rage, anger, and dark depression that was overflowing out of me regardless of the masking I tried.She feared for herself and the boys.
> I was lost inside the lies of my depression and could not see or perceive clearly so my sense of her fear was minimal at best.What she did not know was that all the rage and anger was aimed at myself fighting the inner dialogue of self-hate, self-loathing and not understanding why it felt that no one cared about me.
> I was suffering badly and no one was going to save me, except I didn't know that.
> I held out hope that things would get better, or someone would intervene.
> None of that happened and I kept falling deeper with self medication.I'm not sure what she knew about what was going on with me.
> I don't remember any moment of communication where there was overt empathy and compassion towards me or even a basic curiosity seemed to be hard to come by.
> She may have been too afraid to inquire or help, I don't know.What I do know is that her creating distance only reinforced the belief in the lies depression was telling me — you are worthless and no one gives a shit about you, not even you're wife!
> Look she doesn't care about you!
> It's right in front of your face, she hates you." I fought that inner dialogue for months and can't honestly can't believe I'm still alive.My basic plan involved hiking to a beautiful spot in the sespe and check out.
> The ideation was BIG, and I thought about it a lot.
> I was going to take Weston with me, so I wasn't alone.
> But then I realized Weston would be alone with me dead, and I could NEVER hurt him, or leave him alone like that who knows how many miles from home.Plus, the burden of my pain would be put on my wife and children to carry throughout their lives.
> That would be beyond any cruelty a person should ever have to bear.I decided ultimately that I was the only one that was going to save me.
> I put off getting help because depression kept lying and telling me that I deserved to suffer and don't ever get help, I don't deserve it.Wow, ok have to stop, that's alot
> This morning I've discovered I don't know who I am.My whole life has been lived in reaction to and fear of others.
> Decisions, actions, thoughts all massively influenced and driven by other peoples words and reactions.Many times fictional stories made in my mind drove decisions and thinking.Certainly the last 5 years of my marriage have been this way intensely for me.
> WOW!
> I just had Declan come talk to me and did not pick my face up from the screen for an hour.
> I'm gonna send you what I just wrote about her decision.The one thing I need your perspective on is taking in the context of her fear.
> The question I have is if you are, that terrified, you scream, you kick you punch.
> I'm suspicious that she's been talking to one particular person I know who doesn't have anything against me per se, but if Liz told her the story the way she does from the victims perspective this person would have huge sway and influence Lizs thinking and direction.
> How do I deal with something like that?Note that there was a distinct difference in her after I came back from Colorado to New York.
> I remember her seeming far more pissed off when I came back from Colorado, and before I left for New York.
> Before I left for Colorado, she pulled herself into a cocoon of sorts, and really didn't engage with me all that much.I vividly remember the painful moment when she dropped me off to catch my flight to New York, and I put my bags on the ground turned around and was gonna walk up to the window to say goodbye and she just gives me a cold stare, made a U-turn and pulled away.
> It was in that moment I began to cry, and basically didn't stop until I landed in New York.It was a terrible time for me.
> I did start meditating, but that took about 7-8 weeks to really show results.And now I've been able to regulate my nervous system through meditation.
> I've never felt my nervous system calm ever in my life.
> It seriously was like seeing the second coming of Jesus Christ himself.
> I couldn't believe the feeling I had inside of my body.
> There was a calmness and a serenity that I have never ever felt in my entire life.
> It was so peaceful that it was blissful.
> I don't feel that all the time, of course, but that moment in meditation resonated through the rest of the day, when I did tap into it, and it was very powerful.
> Liz has never known me other than diss regulated ain't mostly anxious with the sprinkling of depression, Bert, then I went massive depressive disorder with alcoholism and drug use to self medicate.
> I was in no state of mind to make clear, rational decisions.
> However, that's not to say I am not accountable for what I've done to others.
> I'm totally responsible and I have spoken to my sons about this time in our lives and expressed my regret and remorse and apologize if I had hurt them in anyway either.
> They both accepted the apology and told me honestly they never felt threatened by me were scared by me.
> They were just confused as to what was going on with me.And then returning from New York she was more or less how she is now only talking to me when it's about the boys or logistics.
> I mean, it's probably the most traumatic thing that's happened to Liz in her life, and she spoke into it with her mom.
> I feel a lot of shame and guilt around that, and to bring it up with her mom there is a side of that that is quite unknown to me in terms of expectations.
> In other words, she's friendly and fine with me.
> Doesn't treat me, like I'm a bad person, but I'm afraid if we start talking about that, I don't know it's gonna change our relationship or something.
> Let me know what you think.
> Sorry for that long diatribe.
> My point being and I will say this short as I can I believe Liz has some kind of phobia about mental illness.
> Her boyfriend, Tim, who she had been with right before me went schizophrenic and she watched it all happen.
> She watched him disappear and turn into somebody else.
> She has that trauma in her past, so it's no surprise that when I got depressed and dark, I disappeared and turned into somebody else, and I'm sure triggered her past trauma.I never put that together before.
> She has the trauma of watching him turn into somebody else, and she was probably terrified of him.
> And then the same thing happens with her husband that makes so much more sense to me.
> It's like she lives the trauma all over again .
> She was scared of me in a way that the boys were not and when I asked him about being scared, it's more about my driving during that period of time which I was a grumpy driver.
> But I didn't drive my car in the other people because I was angry with them that's what a nut job would do.
> I wasn't nuts.
> Her heightened fear makes total sense to me now, and I remember the way she used to look at me with big eyes and there was like concern/fear behind them.Oh my god this is huge.
> ## I never put that together before.She has the trauma of watching Tim turn into somebody else, and she was terrified seeing him go through that transformation—SHE FELT HELPLESS and TERRIFIED.
> I know this because she told me the stories long ago.And then the same thing happens with her husband; he drops into a deep depression, and self-hate turns him into someone else; SHE FELT HELPLESS, TERRIFIED AGAIN, and for someone **who likes to be in control,** this was more than unsettling.
> She watched my dark spiral happen until it blew up in my face—which it had to at some point.I know there is a long history of alcohol and drug abuse with her brothers.
> Interventions, rehab, etc.
> I sat in on an intervention with her brother Adam.When I was profoundly mentally ill, I was self-medicating with both to numb my suffering of feeling rejected.
> She was feeling the energy of my frustration.
> I didn't believe I was worthy of asking for help.
> I had completely lost my ability to communicate pretty much anything with Liz because the energy of my severe depression and rejection frustration was palpable—it terrified her.
> I was lost inside my mind, blindfolded in a never-ending lightless labyrinth of suffocating silence and loneliness—depression—stranded inside my brain cells.This makes so much more sense now.I can see more of her suffering.
> Reflect on how much useful energy you have spent on fear and worry.
> If it solved your problems, then please continue.
> If you find it wasn't energy well spent, find a new relationship with the challenges that concern you.
> It's now five in the morning and I haven't had one minute of sleep.
> I don't know what to do.
> I'm really fucking scared.
> I still don't understand why I deserve a divorce.
> Yes things were awful, but I'm way beyond that now, but she doest seem to care.We went from 2018, and "everything is fine" in the relationship (with its normal stuff ike they all do), to "believe me, if there is something wrong, you will know about it!" with a stare that could kill you cold.
> I took that to heart.then Covid.during that time I do recall her saying she was scared of me and I was taken aback.
> She said the boys were scared of me—I asked them individually and no—didnt feel scared or threatened by me in any way all during the pandemic.
> I asked them.
> Yet at one point that was part of the divorce soup.
> Yet when I bring that up, that I talked to the boys and they counter what she claims, its ignored or whataboutism, or on to the next thing.the thing is she never asked me questions to see what I was thinking or feeling—NEVER—during that whole time of Covid.
> She just saw me in major depressive disorder being massively triggered because she's pushing me away at a time I want to be close.But I was repulsive because of my anger.
> I keep telling them its towards myself but NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THAT unless you're a mental healthcare professional.Anyhow this is what I've come to
> How do we go from "everything is ok" to "I'll tell you when things are wrong" to "I'm scared of you, you're scaring me," to "I want a divorce?"With no counseling prior to coming to that decision.She just came in with that attitude after promising me that we would come back together and talk.Here I was thinking I was giving her the space and time to heal and she was hardening her heart and I had NO IDEA — again, because she doesn't communicate to me.
> I suddenly feel like a sucker for sitting around for years, waiting to go into session and talk about our relationship.
> Did I really just waste two years of my life?I can't get my head around that.
> Was she just gonna dump divorce right away?
> or did she and I didn't hear it?
> Or maybe she was afraid of me blowing my top because I was still not stable.
> Yesterday was very hard mentally and emotionally.Everything is more painful and difficult as time moves on.I fear the day I finally move out.It very well may be the end of my time on Earth.Every time I think about where I'm headed I think about how I don't want it.
> There is nothing about moving out and moving forward that is appealing or desirable to me.
> I'm being forced to go live a life I don't want to live at all.I know people don't wanna hear that, but it is the persistent and consistent thought and wine.
> Space I am in whenever I think about the future and a divorce.
> If I sign divorce papers, I will not be alive very soon there after and I know this to be true.
> I want to acknowledge the amount of ranting I do related to pity.Someone pointed out to me the other day when I was talking about my situation that I was freezing in Waze, trying to get pity.I didn't know that I was doing this at all.
> I was just expressing my frustration with my situation.Today's the first day I felt truly terrified for where I'm headed
> The depth and magnitude of my pain is gargantuan.
> In fact, it goes darker, and deeper than I have been.
> I know this because I can feel it inside of me, unexplored depths.That space frightens me as I think that's when people check out.
> And when I have both going intensely at the same time?
> That's when I get scared of myself.
> I can tell if given the chance...
> see ya tomorrow!Good thing is I can see it, I know its there, and I'm not in denial about it being threatening.
> Cool, no problem.
> I'm here just putting stuff in the boxes all day and making iterative trips to the storage place in town.I have to say even as recent is two weeks ago.
> I was scared shitless of the end of this month.
> Since meeting Helena online, she has helped me focus on the future and focus on moving forward rather than being stuck Where I am or stuck in the past
> Wait.....
> Tears for Fears.
> OMG
> It sucks to know that your life was capable of so much more than the scared, frightened life I've lived.
> I feel totally worthless and valueless.
> I am past my prime and don't want the future ahead of me.
> It's just nonstop suffering, and I know checking out put an end of that shit and I'm so ready for that.I've been sitting around suffering in this fucking mind hell hole for over a year just so everybody else can feel OK?Am I just supposed to continue living and suffering just so other people aren't uncomfortable?
> Is that my fucking purpose?If I'm still alive in two months I'll be surprised.
> Btw, SO MUCH CHANGE IS GOING ON REAL TIME for me since I arrived yesterday.It's both overwhelming and joyful.Heidi is VERY into me, and honestly I've never had someone be so expressive about their feelings and attraction to me.
> On one hand absolutely love it, and the internalized critic is telling me I'm not worthy of this attention, "who the fuck are you thinking you deserve this?"I'm fighting myself in my mind about being here.
> Feels fucked up, and I've shared it with Heidi.
> She is SO UNDERSTANDING and tells me to relax and not worry.
> That helps so much, to communicate and receive her understanding.
> I've forgotten how this feels.And being here brings on the realization that I was not in a relationship but a self imposed prison of my own making.
> I was willing to stay in my marriage because1.
> I admit failure otherwise2.
> I was afraid of life without wife/family3.
> My evil side was happy I was miserable in my marriage, I was providing maximum mental anguish to myself thru it and subconsciously winning at suffering.4.
> I believed there was nothing but a lifetime of aloneness on the other side.
> I'm now working real time on allowing myself to be ok and relaxed being here and being showered with love and affection.
> Heidi told me that yesterday while I took a short nap she was touching me and I would recoil and pull back, all done unconsciously.
> I didn't know I did that until she told me after I woke up.Makes sense to me.
> Part of me deep down is afraid of opening up and getting hurt.
> That's a good thing because it keeps me tethered to reality.
> Why has my whole life been silent suffering?
> Growing up fearing your father with zero sense he cared, only criticism.
> Those years planted the seeds of anxiety and depression plagueing me all my life
> Hey, could you read this text I drafted to send to Liz?I'm trying to get her to just open up and treat me like a person instead of some rancid asshat.thx—Hi, I have an honest question for you.
> Since returning to the Ojai Valley, I've had some moments where memories flood back and hit like a tsunami—it's taken my breath away more than once.
> This has me reflecting and finding unknowns.What changed for you from going to therapy sessions together with your therapist to mentally getting 'done?'There needs to be more understanding there for me.
> On one side, you wanted to go talk about it, then all of a sudden not, and I have no idea as to why?
> Or where was the failure?I went to Colorado to give you the space you asked for.
> I gave you everything you ever asked through all our years and always worked hard to be better after each and every time I was human.I had a mental illness—depression—running my mind and body in late '19 until I returned last summer in '23.
> It was a consistent path down multiple dark nights of the soul.The depression wants me to suffer, over and over, deeper and deeper.
> It was and is unrelenting.
> I have it in check with proper therapies, and I'm sober.
> Even though drinking would numb the immediate emotional and mental pain, the morning after, it was fuel for depression, making it FAR worse, FAR darker, just severe.I want to apologize for my depression, and that feels weird to me.
> It's like apologizing because I had some other bodily illness.
> People don't usually apologize for their diseases' effect on others, but I do.I AM SO SO SO SORRY for all the pain, fear, misery, frustration, unsaid conversations, and unshared feelings, hopes and dreams.
> I failed you and was, at that moment, incapable of overcoming the grip depression had on my heart and mind.I didn't want this to happen to us, our family, or our lives.My heart always hurts thinking of you being unhappy.Be well.
> "If you have even one companion in your life in whom you can trust without reservation, you have found one of existence's greatest gifts."I thought I had that.I was disillusioned after 30 years for reasons still unclear to me.The crux for me is losing everything and not knowing why.
> Yes I was ill, but that's no reason to break a 30 year relationship.
> She was holding back things I have no idea about apparently.She wanted to go to therapy as a couple, but then something changed — I dont know what that is, or what triggered it for her — person, place, or thing.I'm left holding open questions to a broken heart that I carry around with me every day.I fear that I will go into a ‘normal' routine and hermit myself to the world and life.Eat, sleep, work, shit, shower, repeat until I die.All work and no play make Bert a dull boy.What about "All broken-hearted and no work or play make Bert a miserable sod."
> To be human is to suffer from a peculiar congenital blindness: On the precipice of any great change, we can see with terrifying clarity the familiar firm footing we stand to lose, but we fill the abyss of the unfamiliar before us with dread at the potential loss rather than jubilation over the potential gain of gladnesses and gratifications we fail to envision because we haven't yet experienced them.When faced with the most transformative experiences, we are ill-equipped to even begin to imagine the nature and magnitude of the transformation — but we must again and again challenge ourselves to transcend this elemental failure of the imagination if we are to reap the rewards of any transformative experience.
> I am absolutely not afraid of fucking moving forward.
> That's all I wanna do is get the fuck out of this thing.
> Why the fuck do I want to stay here.
> That just makes me wanna fucking check out even harder.
> I'm going to go offline for about 10 minutes.Meditation, and working towards getting grounded.I am feeling frazzled and exhausted.
> Looking forward to the day when waking up and being alive doesn't trigger the mind down a hall of mirrors it's familiar with, fear, anxiety, dread, deafening solitude, and a sense of what happened to get me to this fucked up point in my own "journey" or story made up in my mind.
> Lose the life you currently live, but not on your terms, you're forced out.
> Your families life and lifestyle moves on largely unchanged with the exception being, my presence.Go homelessLive in your carGo joblessWant to workRejected everywhere Contend with fluctuating major depression and CPTSD symptoms at times Liquidated any and all assets to live.Every morning I wake up with existential dread for the day.Despite pushing and meditating and trying to be a good human I find myself feeling done.
> I'm not in control of my banking.
> My checking account is $800 negative.
> In fact, I haven't looked in a month because I'm afraid it's worse.
> I would just love to know why she was so afraid of me before all this happened.
> She when she reached out to you.
> That was a period of time when I was a fucking ghost I didn't exist to her.
> She didn't talk to me at all, so I got fucking depressed.
> I was smoking a shit ton of pot to numb myself because my wife fucking made me feel invisible.
> Then I get told to get the fuck out.I'm glad I stopped at the self-help center at the county offices today.
> I'm gonna start filing for divorce.
> I'm gonna put in the financial papers.
> I want fucking alimony.
> I want her to pay for an apartment.
> I want her to pay for a lot of things she's gonna put me up Just like her dad had to do for her mom.
> Judging myself as a weak fearful ineffective man.
> When I look back from high up that's what I see.Someone who lived in fear of making people upset.
> And look where I am.
> Actually, it's not it's completely driven from anxiety and fear.
> I'm coming from a place where I'm worried about rejection I'm people pleasing.
> I'm not being myself.
> I texted Jenica this morning.
> She replied by I'm hesitant to click and read the reply.
> Not sure I'm ready to read it for fear of triggering myself and being useless all day.
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR ADULT 🎈😁And please let me apologize for not reaching out yesterday.
> Mea culpa—Please forgive me 🙏 It's hard to believe you are now an official adult with all the rights and privileges.I remember the day you were born very well.
> One thing that stood out was they didn't let me in to see you born.
> Aidan and Declan yes, but I think hospital changed the policy.Anyhow, you were an awesome little person and now your an awesome adult.So proud of your accomplishments and hard work, and dedication.Remember two things:1.
> Confidence vs FearI can tell you I regret letting fear stop me over my life in so many different situations worried about what other people think.
> Stop for a moment and reflect on how much time you spend dwelling on others?Exactly.In the moments of fear I'm blinded to the fact that I don't get do overs.
> Some chances only visit once and offer themselves.I've lived that multiple times in this life.Consider this a heads up for you going forward.
> obviously, be prudent, but I think you get what I mean.
> ☺️—2.
> Never doubt yourself a.
> Everyone fakes it until they make it.b.
> Everyone makes it up as they go along, even the ‘experts'Both are 1000% true.—I love you Darragh You've unlocked the accomplishment of "Proud Papa"I look forward to seeing where life takes you.❤️Papaps.
> Srsly don't hate me for not reaching out yesterday 😔
> I had T-Mobile call me yesterday and today my bill is late and they I fear will shut my phone off.
> Still waiting for the greenlight from my client on the payment.
> I'm hoping I'll see that from him tomorrow.
> I do have a question for you and that is this.
> By doing this and writing this am I making too big a deal of myself.?
> What I'm fearful of is arrogance or the whiff of entitlement.
> I want to avoid the sentiment of entitlement and the, vibe of whininess or poor me!please let me know what you think before before.
> I take the recording and start investing time in text edits.
> Don't set yourself up for burnout.
> That's the thing I fear for you is you're so focused on all the shit that you might put some of your wellness and self-care on the back burner.
> I know I do it insanely and it's something I have now shifted so I'm trying to inspire you to do the same thing.
> Wowowow what?!??I just did all that.And for months, the app was telling me I would have to do something.
> I had never done before and to just do it like don't be afraid.
> Because that's how I usually operate in the world would be oh my God there she is with her new boyfriend I am going to hide.Does all this make sense?
> It's really weird how this one app kinda lines up a lot with the shit that's going on for me.
> I know why I am alone right now and probably why the universe didn't let me stay with Jenica.
> And that is the fear I would fall into codependency with her.
> That I have not learned to be by myself and love myself.
> To love being by myself.
> Which honestly I really do love being by myself, But that's it, ONLY by myself.
> Holy shit that's a good looking woman with beautiful legsI'm sitting in the parking lot of the supermarket and I just walked this incredible brunette with lovely legs walk to her carit was like weston seeing a beautiful squirrelanyhow the loneliness stems from being by myself 24 seven 365.
> I don't have any friends or anybody to hang out with so it's pretty fucking lonely and the people at Darts are dark people there acquaintances I would consider them friends but friends to me are people I do everything with not just one thing not sure if that makes a damn bit of sense but anyway I am going shopping for a few things and then I think I'm parking the car for the night
> 2 weeks from today is as far out as they will let me push this.Going to do that.Really dont have any other choice.
> Dont want to lose the car.I don't want to take my mind there—too frightening for me.
> The "unknown" in that hole is too much to take on right now.
> I'm always reminded of the quotation from Michael Jordan, "you miss 100% of the shots you never take."And like I've shared previously I know that fear has caused me not to take shots over the course of my life and I definitely have missed 100% of those.
> Maybe the lesson I'm supposed to be learning is to live without fear.
> I don't know what the lesson is but that is certainly something that is in my face and I am keenly aware of it
> And, hopefully this is the last thing I share before I takeoff to walk the beach and get some exercise.
> I know that fear for me shows up in all areas of my life professionally through imposter syndrome personally through fear of coming off as an asshole, just fear of rejection and disapproval.
> All of those things are not hardwired but really shitty programming
> She easily had the best ass in a pair of jeans in the entire high school.
> I can remember her ass right this second in my mind in those jeans.I could've been having that ass for years is upsetting.
> I feel it is based in the fear category.
> Simultaneously I did not know, but, come on, I had the fucking hots for her secretly.
> I got to hang out with her and would have a hard-on during study hall in my pants, talking with her and Maribeth Taylor.I've always had a fantasy of a two-on-one with them.They were both cheerleaders for the basketball team, and to think I could've been pulling those skirts down at 18 is upsetting.However, I see it as a lesson learned; I have been purposely looking towards women in the eye hoping to catch eye contact.I've been doing it a lot this past week, and I always have a friendly toothless smile or grin on my face.
> And I always get a smile in return.This is very reassuring for me and I'm picking up on it.It helps alleviate the idea of imposter syndrome that I somehow don't deserve to connect with nice women
> just pinged Laurie for some advice.
> Let her know what I did today.Mentioned I feel compelled to work and get busy.However fear the possiblity of "stuffing it down" and not allowing space for whatever needs to happen, grief, sadness, optimism, etc.
> Essentially let the brain process
> Feel like I connect to other realities in my dreams and fight.
> Heidi told me this, Jenica told me this.Dog wasnt in bed this morning and looked at me with slight fear in her eye, like "please dont do that again"There are other versions of me living a better version of realityI can remember no details of any dreams, just that I wake up exhausted like I haven't slept at all.OK, off to hopefully not piss away another whole day being a useless twat/asshat
> here's the email.—Hi,Can you cover this insurance this month?
> I paid last month by borrowing money from someone after you told me you couldn't because of helping Aidan.I've paid for Subaru's insurance while unemployed and homeless, liquidating retirement funds (I have no retirement money of any kind).
> I have zero personal resources, I have $8 in my pocket right now.If insurance is lost, I'll be on the street.
> I have no other options.Could you please help me stay off the street?I need more runway, but I can't seem to find it.
> :-(--Side note:Depression has been off the charts.
> I've had my hardest days ever recently.
> I'm on max medications.
> It's hard to do basic self-care because I don't want to; because why bother?There is no future, hope, or optimism—I've lost all that; you lose it.
> You wake up with more rejection coming from all angles of my life, dreading every day for over two years.
> I wake up wondering why I woke up.
> I just take up space and am of service to no one.
> No one needs me; I'm unloveable and unworthy, so I want to go away.I'm simply trying to exist, and that is a struggle.And honestly, I'm not sure if it's a struggle worth continuing.I don't see anything hopeful or positive ahead for me.
> Every day, I wake up and go through the day only to have it show me there is no hope.
> Only more suffering and pain—that's all I've had every day for years now.
> Kindness was my default, and now I struggle to find it.I'm not trying to play you, pluck heartstrings, or manipulate you in any way.I'm telling you about my situation, daily recurring thoughts, and my current daily life experience, which is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy (not that I have one).At a point where I don't have many options left.And even with all that, I hope you are well and think of you often.Be well,Bert
> I'm almost to surfers point to go on a walk.
> I'm feeling really uneasy right now.
> I don't feel too well and feel scared
> hey there.
> I wrote a long text to Liz,.
> I had this as the ps.
> and was going to send it.However, the end I think I come off as smug when I say I have qualities (kind, sweet, loving, sensual, etc)Its all below.
> It became a stream of consciousness I nearly let her have.There are parts I do want to send to her so she knows some of what I've been doing because I've shared nothing.She hears things through other people which at this point is only Derick abnd Sherry, because Sallies no longer here.Speaking of which I havent spoken to Derick since Liz got the papers.
> I wonder if he's spoken to her.
> I'll reach out tomorrow.
> She may have texted him thinking he may have knew something was coming.
> However, I shared nothing about that paperwork with him for precisely that reason.
> Don't show my cards, and I'm sorry the timing isnt great, but neither was timing to force me to move out.Here it is below.My thought today.
> I only spent time on the divorce paperwork not any money.
> So for me it WOULD be easy to rip them up and throw it out.
> However, its like getting Israel and Hamas at the peace table.If Derick or you and Derick mediated some kind of conversation.She just no longer speaks freely in front of me.
> Its all very short and controlled.I feel like she treats me like I murdered her parents.
> Kicked me out of her life and wont speak to me.
> Barely replies related to boys things.Anyhow.
> here is what I didnt sendlmkw ——-ps.
> I'm been doing some deep healing work for a while now, well over 1000 days of meditation.
> I'm now working on integrating parts of myself that were repressed and hidden from when I was a kid—behaviors where I was told to stop, and stuff it away.
> I never learned how to be outwardly upset to others—ever.
> I didn't know how to communicate my dislike or discomfort of anything—stuff it down, crank up the anxiety from both stuffing it down, and the fear of letting it out.A really terrible cycle of living and being that ultimately made you get distant from me.
> I didn't know how to communicate some basic things to you because I simply did not have the skills.Why am I sharing this?Because I wan't you to know that I'm working hard at being better.
> There are parts of me that don't exist anymore, and there are new parts of me I am discovering by facing my shadow and integrating parts of it that are positive into me (Carl Jung).
> For example, I'm no longer quiet when I do or do not want to do, or have, something — ie.
> something I know bothered you — I share my opinion as openly as my emotions.
> I'm still kind, but I no longer extend kindness just to get someone to like me.
> I'm kind when I want to be to whom I want to, because I know I am very kind, and very sweet, loving and sensual.
> I have qualities a woman would beg to have in her husband.Ok, enough...Off to bed after a shadow work meditation.
> The shadow work continues
> By the way I haven't read the text yet.
> But I texted my brother just a little tiny bit of my stuff and he sent me back something really huge that I've skimmed I think making pitch for me to go back to Waterford and New YorkHe says things like "we all have our stuff, Jen had a tough upbringing and we all have our stuff.You know that's fine and handy but my stuff is in my way I can't live my life with my stuff in my way.My fear, and it is fucking valid my guts telling me no.
> My gut is saying do not go to New York to live.
> Find a visit but not living .There is just something about it's not Waterford it's the entire region the entire Albany Troy Rensaeler, capital District area it has a depressing quality that seeps into my bonesit does not matter the season it's just there
> Do you see how it's like I've had a peg up my ass from her since like 2016.
> I'm finally done being quiet about this and I'm sorry if she's uncomfortable or feel scared I have every right to express my feelings and I'm not gonna fucking tiptoe around the tulips for her fuck That if she doesn't like my language or my emphasis in tone fuck it
> 99/100 — I send to VM, deal with it later.
> Family, you, my kids, I answer.
> But not for someone I don't know.There is risk, there is fear.But there is also my mask & my winning formula—my swiss army knife of social skills that get me out of weird moments in conversation
> Interesting the fear thats thereWhats wild is i dont feel the fear in my body.
> Rather it's simply a thought or a word in my head.
> Typically a trigger like waiting for Sam would be all consuming.
> The thought the emotional response then my brain making it an all consuming affair
> — Its Tuesday.Woke up the 6th time of the night just now.Feel like I don't belong here, not my situation, here on Earth.If u were to ask whats the biggest thing Ive learned from this experience is that people can say they love you to your face and lie while looking u in the eye.To have never felt real love hurts.To have to rebuild your entire life from zero hurtsTo survive in your car for over 1.5 years while people around you live "normal" lives hurts.it not as if im doing nothing to get out of my situation.
> I have over 1200 applications to show for itThats alot of rejection on top of being rejected HARD by women who apparently loved you.I have an empty life I mentally and physically self torture to keep going so other people can not have to deal with the pain I AM CARRYING FOR THEM.I didn't sign up for this.I'm not doing this much longer.I cant keep waking up and being tortured every day with a combination of fear, hope, and despair.
> Not to mention the incessant rejection.
> It beats like a drum now.
> 35 miles left on my car and still have some more miles to go to get where I want to be.
> I'm afraid I'm gonna run out of battery.
> As it is now I can't charge or eat so I'm kind of fucked
> Oh my God, Darrell I had it.
> You and I should start a paranormal investigation YouTube channel.
> The two of us would be fucking hilarious when we get scared
> If it make 10% of the ppl who try feel better, I want to try.
> Dont know until you do.
> I'm not afraid of trying shit.
> —hey thought dropped insubconscious is fighting my efforts with getting myself backdont know how else to explain thingsI should be better by now, but I'm not.I feel like I'm going backwards or treading water.I'm fearful of going in a direction that will STOKE depression and inflame it.
> I know how my head works and I'm prescient because its a child-developed survival superpower.
> I'm good at sussing whats going to happen to plan for the worst.
> Daily survival in the house for me growing up.Anyhow.
> Holiday Season is coming fast and I'm going to get triggered like a mother fucker.I could levitate off the floor meditating but I dont think that would hold off emotions relating to my kids.I know you know — only thing that tops the self is your kids
> So I sit and wait.I'm a friend of the end.Took a long time but me and the grim reaper can hang out.
> Ive done it alot actually.
> Its not as scary as one would think.
> In fact its fear of letting go, not fear of the reaper.I have no fear of letting go because its all I focus on now.No attachment.Maybe thats why tapping out seems like not a big deal to me.
> Im not attached anymore to ideas or "societies rules" or people, places, things or money.I guess this is where your head ends up after long periods of anhedonia.I find no pleasure in anything.
> Computer, music, art...
> feel like "whatever"Feels more burdensome to try and do things you enjoy only to find yourself in a deeply confusing and unsettled place.When your go tos are gone
> It is a challenge at times.
> Particularly when disconnected and melancholy.
> Then turns into dissociation.The pattern ive discovered is dissociation comes on when my mind knows it needs to unplug for fear of being subconsciously triggered.As if my subconscious reaches into my conscious state and splits my mind.I was doing it this morning staring at my laptop before I opened it.
> I clicked out was staring at the top of the laptop for at least a good 3 to 5 minutes with zero thoughts zero I movement total stillness .
> So either I take that as my mind going into auto pilot meditation, or my brain clicking out because it doesn't wanna deal.One thing I do know is I'm confused and very tired
> Hey!
> Check out this audio from The Pattern.Talking about intimate relationships which dont exist.
> Interesting that a relationship isnt what m looking for fear of codependence and helplessness
> 9am med meeting in town tomorrow.
> While good, I fear nothing will happen or move glacially with regard to alternative therapies.At this point i just want mind bloom asap.
> I'll follow protocol to the letter.Im just sick of soaking in depression for a majority of my waking time.
> —Wake up.Take medication.Wonder why Im here.Push thru day depressed while trying to help myself which obviously isnt much help.End the day alone in my head again.I exist alone, I dont live—I've done this over 500 days in a row.People say I have to keep going, so I dont hurt others.What about my hurt thats right here right now and not some fearful thing that hasnt happened?Who's inhumane here?!?
> AI is helpful—-The fear of success is often referred to as "success anxiety" or "achievement phobia." In psychological terms, it can also be linked to imposter syndrome or self-sabotage, where individuals unconsciously avoid success due to fears of increased expectations, responsibility, or the potential for failure after succeeding.Another term, "fear of positive evaluation", describes a similar phenomenon where people fear the attention and pressure that comes with recognition or success.
> Then maybe.
> Not sure.I havent stopped working in over a week.
> Been working on website.
> Feeling imbalanced biglyYesterday I was afraid to NOT be doing something with every waking minute.
> —If Im being honest with myself, Ive given up.Hard not to when u received HUNDREDS of rejections over 18 months and they keep coming.I thought I knew how to do things but apparently my prime time is a boat I missed long ago - thats the feeling.Looking back I made lots of mistakes because I was afraid of being alive.Now the feeling is Im too sad to be alive.
> —just sent this to my mom and brother and excluded my dad because I ripped on him....---—Not really.
> Sitting in the basement.
> Haven't been outside.
> Too depressed and besides I dont have any resources or friends here to have any fun, or even just go do something.I only know 7 people in this state, 4 of whom live 3+ hours away by car on the other side of the Rockies.
> Seen Darrell once since I've been here, going on 2 months now.I was FAR LESS isolated in CA.
> I knew ppl and could see the boys in person, and had the ocean to be with when things were off.I have no contemporaries to hang with and ppl my age arent out making new friends.Besides I'm an introvert and last thing I want to do is inject myself on to people.So, big picture I'm not well, haven't been well in over 5 years, and I'm in a place where the feeling is going backwards or stagnant.I'm fully aware of what my brain is doing, but have no ability to stop it or change it.The biggest frustration is to know that I was capable of SO MUCH MORE than my life has produced.
> I got into college and thru it in 4 years with 2 degrees — all the while depressed and not knowing it.It simply sux to know that the illness stopped me from reaching full potential.
> Fear and being afraid of the world and people stopped me.
> I never learned to not be anxious and on edge.
> Not to be worried about what's coming or what happened.My brain was NEVER in the present moment.
> It was always worried about what was coming or going to happen and planning counter moves to not get in trouble or get hurt.All I can remember growing up is avoiding being punished.#1 priority, dont make dad mad or you're done for.Ruled my life.
> I remember asking Mom how long until dad got home from work so I would know how long I had.
> I had to have the full set of personal radar and sonar going so as to not cause ONE RIPPLE of trouble in the Mahoney pond, or there would be fire, brimstone and hell to pay.
> Whenever dad was around I was anxious and worried from as far back as there are memories.
> gm.its friday.
> and worried about car.I'm going to be incredibly sad to lose my car.
> I've gone thru alot with the car and I'm psychologically and emotionally attached to it.It's my "boat" or vessel that kept me afloat for a year on california.It will hit me very, very hard.
> Have no idea how triggered the depression I'll be, but I've not feared something like this since fearing I was getting a divorce.Anyhow, it may be a new year, but I have new bullshit to deal with.Have to start me year out from a place even lower than last year.
> —Thinking about this for an hour.I go in.Car taken away.I come out.Still unemployedStill not on my ownAnd now no car.It will be a remote only search if I get out.I fear coming out after working hard—and u know Im going to take the staff to places theyve not been with a depressive.No one can make me FEEL love for self or life no matter how hard they try.Non existent self worth is a core, pillar belief.
> Thats not going away in a week or a month.Its my identity.
> — I am insanely sensitive.I FEEL MORE DEEPLY THAN neurotypicals ( normal people )Anything that hits me is 10x compared to others 1xWe're feeling same things, but the energy and force, up against my HYPERACTIVE AND HYPERSENSITIVE anntena that I developed to keep quiet and not have Dad beat my ass.
> I anticipated an ass whooping every day.So every day I repressed myself.
> I stuffed myself down inside to avoid being a ‘normal kid' who makes lots of mistakes.Im afraid of making mistakes to this day.
> I SUPRESS my opinions and thoughts all day every day.
> Until recently.I am deeply broken.I know it, I feel it, I am it.Just know that when I open my mouth about whats in my head, its ORDERS or magnitude deeper simply because my system can detect a butterfly wing moving a mile away.By the time I say something its been going on weeks or months.I can tolerate more depression and suicidal ideation for longer than ANY other human being I know.Ive been up against DEMONS trying to coax me to escape it all.
> I FEEL this pressure 10x.What Im getting at is my depression is NOT garden variety.
> The doctors and nurses couldn't even classify my specific type of depression because how good my skills living with it and being a ‘functional depressive' are for all my life."Depression — unclassified type"Im very good at being depressed, keeping it to myself, and no one can tell, even you.My masking skills are world class.
> Im very good.
> I know it because its one of my primary survival tools.I can turn it on/off in a blink of the eye.
> No one has EVER suspected i was depressed, even the docs in the hospital.
> Even a fellow patient, Billy, who commented that "you dont seem depressed at all" as I sat across from him having lunch together and conversing.Masking at work.I am a master.
> Yoda level.
> --Im self isolating HARD because I fear meeting someone I like and cant do shit about it other than to deny myselfI cant in good conscience go out like I did when I met JenicaWhich was over a year ago.
> Last november.
> At this point we were together solidWasnt fair to her, and while I dont regret meetung her, i regret my lack of a life to keep herWE WOULD LIKELY HAVE CELEBRATED A YEAR TOGETHER.....
> only ifThing isThat "only if" aint never comingNothing in my life indicates anything but that outcomeSuicide is really appealing.Wont lie
> --Also, Im broken badly.I feel it deeply.My consistent depressive experience of life has simply broken my brain.I doubt I'll ever see a day of my life without it ever againI mean that should be depressing even to a person who's never had depression like me But the idea of sitting around here for God knows how much fucking longer to live like this ???Really??I just don't want this conscious physical human existence anymore.Its been nothing but FEAR, ANXIETY, STRESS, DEPRESSION, DISSOCIATION, ANHEDONIA, IDEATION, AND MENTAL ILLNESS' version of SUFFERING.
> stop and think..Ive had ZERO DAYS of any type of fun, joy, or vitality since arriving 10/16/24.Its 1/16/24 and every day here at your moms I feel pressure and stress.Hell I dont even know what "fun" is anymore because when I see someone having fun, I despise itIve been depressed too long now.
> Mind aint coming backIm on 2 of the best modern depression meds at max dosage and Im still depressed and having suicide in my head at least once a day.
> last thing.I mention it in the podcast and it will be a BIG THEME throughout.FEAR.
> That's what's stopped me my whole life.
> Fear manifests in many forms and I'll talk about that too.
> GMkeep waking up into fearI cant focus between the fear and depressionFeeling pressure to "get on with it" and get my shit together.Get on where?What is it?Overwhelmed with failure today, and crying.Feeling broken and deeply wrong.Its money.
> Psychological attachment to it.Im not OK when I have zero$Its a hard pattern with me.
> And since I basically never have money, Im NEVER relaxed or at ease.I wake up into stress and fear EVERY DAYFreaking out subconsciously all day about money.But no matter what, Im ALWAYS BROKE and I fucking hate it with a passion.Just feeling fucked over
> —Something I'm becoming keenly aware of is that it's going to take a while for AI to take our jobs away.And it's simply due to one thing.
> AI will give you an answer that is wrong and for whatever reason does not know that it is wrong it just gives it to you.It's consistent across all the models it's like they spit something up because they're afraid of not answering you
> lived whole life out of fear.
> all decisions based on how it makes things on the outside, not how it makes me feel on the inside.Put exterior happiness amongst the world in front of my own internal contentment.I never knew how to speak up for myself, because it had been SQUASHED at a very early age and was supressed through violence, intimidation, and fear.
> its like I'd rather have shit relationship—than none.so weird to acknowledge that fearful part of me, the clinger.whoTFknows — I'm merely a pawn in the chessboard of the universe whos been crushed to pieces like humpty dumpty.ok, enuf bugging u with my nonsensemaybe see u guys b4 u take off, dont know — its all good.
> I roll with it, so if u dont see me, no big—for realz
> —Ok.
> Now i go spend the day in my head, in my hall of mental mirrors, stressed, worried, anxious, fearful, sad, lonely, discouraged, and depressed.
> Knowing that your day is going to be like yesterday and over 500x days previous...If I could only put someone in my head for 10 minutes to see what this feels like.
> Maybe then somebody would fucking understand me because right now I feel unheard and not understood with how unrelenting and discouraging it is to be alive like this
> —GmAll my days are driven from a place of fear.My whole life has been lived thru fear.—I feel wrong for wanting to restI feel wrong for not being good enufNever in my life have I EVER felt like I was enufIm always lackingThese are core beliefs and they are woven into me like fabricSo I'm grappling with alotAnd its ALL invisible
> --Cousin Jason is suffering hard from depression right now.
> I asked how he was doing.
> This was my reply to him.
> Didnt mean to get deep into it, but I articulated the basic beef with my father and its causation.My beef isnt with him.
> Its with the fear that wont dissipate.
> man, I am so sorry ur in that space—I know it all-too-well.Something that helped me when in ur situation and having shit to get done.If there are things u need done, and someone else could possibly help u out and take care of it for u—huge help.
> Usually someone who empathizes with your situation.The pharmacy is a perfect example.Anyone can pick that up for you and put it on your doorstep/mailbox, etc.The other thing I suggest, is getting outside no matter how shit you feel.30 mins outside, preferably in nature, sunlight etc.When I was staying at my parents I would hike over and around Peebles Island EVERY day, rain or shine, feeling shit or not.
> I cried alot on those walks.
> Helped me get lots of buried shit out of me.
> All that crying was for all I lost, and for the little kid in me who was scared of being alive.I lived in abject fear of my father from as early as I have memories.The last straw was the punch square in the front teeth at age 13 because I was late getting home from sledding at 4th street.
> It was dark, so I went to Dale's house.
> I tried calling the house over and over and over.
> The whole family was in the car trolling the village looking for me.I finally got super panicked when more time went by.
> I Knew he was going to be lit.So I ran down from Dales on PineSt.The family caught me on the corner of Another Eddies.
> My dad jumped out of the car, walked around and before I could finish my sentence and explain what happened, he grabbed my jacket in a fist right on my neck, then wound up and punched me so hard in the mouth my head snapped back.
> Instantly in a state of medical shock.
> Started crying, he yelled at me to get in the car.My mom and my brother were both in the car and heard everything.
> I think my mom saw it happen.I NEVER felt safe in my house growing up EVER.
> If my dad was home, I could feel the wind blow in boston.
> SPidey senses so attuned to any and all nuance.
> Planned for every worst possible scenario and hoped for the best.Always pisses me off to think of what I could have achieved if not for the fear of existing put into me by my father.I already yelled at him in a fit or rage on my last visit.He started talking to me like I was 12.I was 54.I got in his face, lazer eyes thru his skull, and vocal projection that made his hair blow back.I reminded him I'm a 54 year old man, not the little kid you used to fuck with and ruined his life.
> I told him my life could have been SO MUCH MORE if not for his parenting.Emotional and Psychological torture on a level that was/IS criminal IMO.But WTF can I do.RIght?Be well.
> Let me know if I can help you in any way.
> I think I should somehow record that as a video.As a share about reflections on my childhood.I thought I had a normal childhood.So did my parents.Its only now, after raising three boys that I see the harm that was done.
> I fear for Aidan, but he shows no fear.
> Anyhow.
> Let me know what you think.
> LMK.
> Going to get coffee somewhere else today.
> Not to spruce.Didnt go there yesterday and was first day not there in nearly 2 weeks.It the only place I let myself "plug in" to society.I keep to myself and steer clear of any involvement with any other people.I cant be a part of this fantasy reality you all live until I can be on my own, living on my own.And right now that seems like its never happening.So I have no hopes or optimisim of ANY KIND because Ive been shown that tomorrow will be the same as yesterday, as it has been for many, many years now.Truth is, nothing is, or has changed for me regarding being on my own.Psychologically have given up both consciously and subconsciously on something letting me back into this society and economy.Why should I WASTE energy believing I have any kind of future??Let alone it be something I actually enjoy.Im permanently unhappy and at this point, I simply dont care anymore about anything.I'll go sip coffee and play with AI until Im dead from heart attack or stroke (both of which I am queued up to have with my stressloads).For real.I give up.Not trying anymore.It hasnt worked for years.When will I learn the leasson??!?!!?Fuck this country.Fuck this culture.Fuck this capitalism.At the point of wishing I was never born.
> Growing up in tel:247365 fear, only to think I got away from it moving to California.
> It was like an evil spirit attached to me followed me from New York.And the fuckers still here ruining everything.I hate waking up into this EVERYFUCKINGDAYNO RELIEFNO FUCKINGEND INSIGHT.
> There is also madness and insanity, both of which I dance with at moments.Almost fell into a mental abyss yesterday.
> A black hole in my brain.
> Never saw it before but I knew if I went there I wasnt coming back, ie catatonic.
> Scared the shit out of me.Think its because Ive had a fucked up brain so longDont know
> about to pack up here at the coffee shop, walk back to the basement and maybe just go to bed.
> Rather sleep than be awake feeling like this.When I lived in my car, I couldn't sleep the depression away for fear of my safety.Not sure I've let go of that on a subconscious level.Anyhow, down to my last $200.
> Then back to begging.
> if all I do is coffee its at least a month and a bit more.
> Never have I lived from a place that was not fear based.
> All from the head never from heart.I don't know what being relaxed feels like because it's not part of my human experience.
> I know I'll never know what that feels like.
> Period
> about to leave coffee shop.
> going to go walk around the pond, then go back to the basement.Been tired of existence for a while, but the intensity can ratchet up from time to time.Yesterday I went walking with the intention of calming down and getting centered and all it did was make the mind worse.starts to create fear around going to do it and still be where I am.
> Took down art.
> Sends a subconscious message of getting comfortable and settled.
> While grateful for current location, I would prefer my stay be as limited as possible.
> Feel very much overstayed the welcome vibes.
> Its clinging,Its fearIts ego basedAnd yet it still can hit u like a bat to the headGetting ur bearings back from emotional dysregulation and tuning back into the same frquency as everyine else is BOTH exhausting like no other and interesting to bare witness to my own fall into suffering.I've got the Prajna.Ability and awareness to ones own shortcomings, their root cause, and how they manifest, or their emotional/behavioral path they take.
> Just had the most intense meditation since I dont know when.DEEEP shit.Alot of crying.Little me was brave, clever, and a highly aware dude.Scared as fuck, but if I wasn't "good enuf" theres no leaving Waterford for CA, no college degrees, no marriage, no kids, no divorce, no homelessness, no nothing.
> I would have never left Wfd if I bought into not good enuf, but ironically despite it all, I continue to tell myself Im not good enuf.Class A, mindfuck.
> I still feel the need to hide from people Im attracted to.Its become automatic because outside snowglobe so long.Kinda sad because I imagine theres someone else out there who would click like Jenica did with me.Until my continuous physical location becomes my own.Im sadly offline.
> I can't in good conscience put myself out there.
> I prefer to go out and meet some cool people.Really afraid of getting burned HARD again.Hypothetical is even when my shit gets together I will be attached to shame and failure about my life with the exception of Aidan, Declan and Darragh.Im so sad that I was only one verbal outburst on Aidan away from having good relations.Anyway I'm starting to bladder on didn't mean to do this
> So I really do feel as though I see it all finally.I was blind to the creators wound and also blind to brushing off recognition as if all I did was my job.
> It doesn't matter what kind of fire I put out, I'm really good at putting out fires in my line of work and getting all the ducks to march in a row again.I'm able to appease everyone and deliver on the deadline because that's what I do I make people happy and I give them what they need.
> I've been doing it for my father since kindergarten.And I do it in pretty much every relationship I have because I fear of rejection and abandonment
> —When is it enuf?Apparently never.Im going to sit in shit until Im terminally ill.And then i'll get out of here.Incredibly sad of all I lost.The chances, opportunities, people, all of which I was too afraid to engage with.I feel at the end of somethingNot the beginning.I dont have hope or optimisim.
> They were crushed living in the car.I have pessimism, anger, rage, vindictiveness, and a hate inside that, if I had weapons, would become a suicide trip to get shot by police by me aiming guns at them.
> I cry alot when I look at little me in that frog shirt, doing his BEST masked smile, knowing the FEAR behind those eyes, and how terrified I was when I walked off the photo spot.
> I believe I nearly passed out from the overwhelm of panic and fear — but I didnt.
> I can play it back in my head like it was last week and it was 51 years ago
> who the fuck would I be if I wasnt afraid to let it rip since I was little.Its like everywhere and everything all at once movie.Id be living some other timeline of my lived experience — maybe I'd be the Elon Musk of that timeline?Who the fuck knows?What i do know is that I wouldn't be where I am.FEAR delivered me here.Nothing else.Growing up with the belief of being afraid to live and express myself freely.
> I did the same thing in my relationship with Elizabeth because she said to me "I am not your therapist and I don't want to be your therapist"She said that to me around 2013 2014 and after that I literally stopped sharing everything with her about whats going on inside meI kept it away I wall it off and overtime it became bigger and bigger and bigger until I found a depression and then it was enormous and dark.When Liz talks about or states she was frightened or fearful of me she was afraid of all the darkness I've been holding back and all my wants and things that I needed that I just shut down and never shared with her over 1012 years finally blew up over CovidThis said, she knows none of this and of course has invented some kind of fiction about the end of her marriage which is not based in any kind of reality that I know of because she doesn't know about me.One of the core tenants of loving someone is understanding someone.If you love someone you crave to understand them and when things are confusing that craving Should drive you like a mad person to figure out how to help the person you love and help understand themThere was none of that with her she just pulled away no curiosity no want of understanding.She never asked me once if I was OK or what was wrong.
> Before covid, during covid, or even after wanting to separate.No why questions from her.Just a story about me being violent ( untrue ) only thing violent may have been my rhetoric and tears and collapsing in front of her.I think she was afraid of how real I was.
> It's too raw for her to deal with.It's sad too that's likely the thing her soul was sent here to do was to figure out how to get through the bad times in a relationship like that.Weirdly there is still a sliver of me that would entertain the idea of going into therapy with her but only if it was with the commitment of coming together on the other side without that commitment I wouldn't go into it.That should say it all.
> Parents were gone since Sunday, back home today.It was nice to not be around the energy 24/7, but its back.I didn't have to contend with the "energy"'at all at ur Moms.Now much of my time is spent processing energy I soaked in constantly while living here.Only now has it really hit just how deep this energy and dynamic fucked me up for my whole life.Losing, defeat whatever u call it, its where I am now.I dont like this mental space I'm in.
> Its different than at ur moms.Anyhow, hard to "envision" anything in the future when all u can do is "reactively" live.There has been nothing proactive about me or my life.Its been living white knuckled fear on high alert with a startle response that would challenge a cat

## Analogies & Metaphors
> I'm afraid more people are going to "pop" like this clown and the asshole in Atlanta
> And then the dread of having to do it again, like Bill Murray in Groundhog day.
> She has a white-knuckle grip on her pain and it feels like she needs my validation.Since the hike and my shift when I spoke with her I see everything differently.I still feel sorrow and remorse for what happened that night and Liz was hurt deeply from that experience and the accumulation of toxic fear leading up to it.
> Doesn't treat me, like I'm a bad person, but I'm afraid if we start talking about that, I don't know it's gonna change our relationship or something.
> Her heightened fear makes total sense to me now, and I remember the way she used to look at me with big eyes and there was like concern/fear behind them.Oh my god this is huge.
> Like for example, if I'm ready to get real and somebody's afraid, that somebody else needs to get check in on what that afraid is
> I had never done before and to just do it like don't be afraid.
> I'm always reminded of the quotation from Michael Jordan, "you miss 100% of the shots you never take."And like I've shared previously I know that fear has caused me not to take shots over the course of my life and I definitely have missed 100% of those.
> Heidi told me this, Jenica told me this.Dog wasnt in bed this morning and looked at me with slight fear in her eye, like "please dont do that again"There are other versions of me living a better version of realityI can remember no details of any dreams, just that I wake up exhausted like I haven't slept at all.OK, off to hopefully not piss away another whole day being a useless twat/asshat
> But I texted my brother just a little tiny bit of my stuff and he sent me back something really huge that I've skimmed I think making pitch for me to go back to Waterford and New YorkHe says things like "we all have our stuff, Jen had a tough upbringing and we all have our stuff.You know that's fine and handy but my stuff is in my way I can't live my life with my stuff in my way.My fear, and it is fucking valid my guts telling me no.
> I'm finally done being quiet about this and I'm sorry if she's uncomfortable or feel scared I have every right to express my feelings and I'm not gonna fucking tiptoe around the tulips for her fuck That if she doesn't like my language or my emphasis in tone fuck it
> —hey thought dropped insubconscious is fighting my efforts with getting myself backdont know how else to explain thingsI should be better by now, but I'm not.I feel like I'm going backwards or treading water.I'm fearful of going in a direction that will STOKE depression and inflame it.
> In fact its fear of letting go, not fear of the reaper.I have no fear of letting go because its all I focus on now.No attachment.Maybe thats why tapping out seems like not a big deal to me.
> Then turns into dissociation.The pattern ive discovered is dissociation comes on when my mind knows it needs to unplug for fear of being subconsciously triggered.As if my subconscious reaches into my conscious state and splits my mind.I was doing it this morning staring at my laptop before I opened it.
> Have no idea how triggered the depression I'll be, but I've not feared something like this since fearing I was getting a divorce.Anyhow, it may be a new year, but I have new bullshit to deal with.Have to start me year out from a place even lower than last year.
> --Im self isolating HARD because I fear meeting someone I like and cant do shit about it other than to deny myselfI cant in good conscience go out like I did when I met JenicaWhich was over a year ago.
> --Also, Im broken badly.I feel it deeply.My consistent depressive experience of life has simply broken my brain.I doubt I'll ever see a day of my life without it ever againI mean that should be depressing even to a person who's never had depression like me But the idea of sitting around here for God knows how much fucking longer to live like this ???Really??I just don't want this conscious physical human existence anymore.Its been nothing but FEAR, ANXIETY, STRESS, DEPRESSION, DISSOCIATION, ANHEDONIA, IDEATION, AND MENTAL ILLNESS' version of SUFFERING.
> AI will give you an answer that is wrong and for whatever reason does not know that it is wrong it just gives it to you.It's consistent across all the models it's like they spit something up because they're afraid of not answering you
> its like I'd rather have shit relationship—than none.so weird to acknowledge that fearful part of me, the clinger.whoTFknows — I'm merely a pawn in the chessboard of the universe whos been crushed to pieces like humpty dumpty.ok, enuf bugging u with my nonsensemaybe see u guys b4 u take off, dont know — its all good.
> I want to know what deep happiness and joy feel likeOr what it feels like to have a partner be uninhibited in expressing themselves for fear of whatever.It simply sucks to know if we'd gone to counseling or were able to talk before the day she decided no more.
> —GmAll my days are driven from a place of fear.My whole life has been lived thru fear.—I feel wrong for wanting to restI feel wrong for not being good enufNever in my life have I EVER felt like I was enufIm always lackingThese are core beliefs and they are woven into me like fabricSo I'm grappling with alotAnd its ALL invisible
> All that crying was for all I lost, and for the little kid in me who was scared of being alive.I lived in abject fear of my father from as early as I have memories.The last straw was the punch square in the front teeth at age 13 because I was late getting home from sledding at 4th street.
> Planned for every worst possible scenario and hoped for the best.Always pisses me off to think of what I could have achieved if not for the fear of existing put into me by my father.I already yelled at him in a fit or rage on my last visit.He started talking to me like I was 12.I was 54.I got in his face, lazer eyes thru his skull, and vocal projection that made his hair blow back.I reminded him I'm a 54 year old man, not the little kid you used to fuck with and ruined his life.
> Rather sleep than be awake feeling like this.When I lived in my car, I couldn't sleep the depression away for fear of my safety.Not sure I've let go of that on a subconscious level.Anyhow, down to my last $200.
> —Another hard night here.Praying not to wake up.How sad is it to remember thinking that at age 11 when going to bed cuz ur not good enuf??When can I get off this ride??Not having any fun.More like a house of horrors.
> Its clinging,Its fearIts ego basedAnd yet it still can hit u like a bat to the headGetting ur bearings back from emotional dysregulation and tuning back into the same frquency as everyine else is BOTH exhausting like no other and interesting to bare witness to my own fall into suffering.I've got the Prajna.Ability and awareness to ones own shortcomings, their root cause, and how they manifest, or their emotional/behavioral path they take.
> cannot shake the memory of her being terribly worried about me moving to CA, and things not working out, and the fear of getting old and being dumped for a younger woman — like her mom.
> who the fuck would I be if I wasnt afraid to let it rip since I was little.Its like everywhere and everything all at once movie.Id be living some other timeline of my lived experience — maybe I'd be the Elon Musk of that timeline?Who the fuck knows?What i do know is that I wouldn't be where I am.FEAR delivered me here.Nothing else.Growing up with the belief of being afraid to live and express myself freely.
> I did the same thing in my relationship with Elizabeth because she said to me "I am not your therapist and I don't want to be your therapist"She said that to me around 2013 2014 and after that I literally stopped sharing everything with her about whats going on inside meI kept it away I wall it off and overtime it became bigger and bigger and bigger until I found a depression and then it was enormous and dark.When Liz talks about or states she was frightened or fearful of me she was afraid of all the darkness I've been holding back and all my wants and things that I needed that I just shut down and never shared with her over 1012 years finally blew up over CovidThis said, she knows none of this and of course has invented some kind of fiction about the end of her marriage which is not based in any kind of reality that I know of because she doesn't know about me.One of the core tenants of loving someone is understanding someone.If you love someone you crave to understand them and when things are confusing that craving Should drive you like a mad person to figure out how to help the person you love and help understand themThere was none of that with her she just pulled away no curiosity no want of understanding.She never asked me once if I was OK or what was wrong.

## Vivid Descriptions / Storytelling
> When young I hid my heart far, far away because of the constant fear of punishment (verbal and/or physical) at the hands of my father.
> Btw, was triggered hard this morning waking up to the sound of my dad raging 😡Took me back to 11 years old.The fear trigger was instant.
> I can see it in my face in the mirror—grief, and loss.And yet I breathe and somehow wake up...just to be aliveon this fresh morningin the broken world....another day closer to the endpassing without noticeto the sound of joyin the air about youdeafened by the soundsyour soul infinitely weeping from the unwanted hurtyou cannot take back.I have no way to sayto the one I love dearesthow deeply sorry I amfor all the hurt I've causedover all these years together.Unable to undo what was done I fear all bridges are burnedand I can never returnto the love I cherish more than any other.
> Meditation practice is deepening and sessions less than 30mins feel too short now.It's been good because I feel I'm fighting a lie inside my head, and that is this.Liz is avoiding me very hard at moment because the wall she's holding up between us is how she is surviving this period of time.But that's because she wants to tell me that she's done being married to me, but she can't do that right now because that would be too much with everything going on, and push her over her "edge." A part of my brain is reading her likes she's afraid to say it to my face because she fears my reaction(s).
> She has a white-knuckle grip on her pain and it feels like she needs my validation.Since the hike and my shift when I spoke with her I see everything differently.I still feel sorrow and remorse for what happened that night and Liz was hurt deeply from that experience and the accumulation of toxic fear leading up to it.
> I have over 1200 applications to show for itThats alot of rejection on top of being rejected HARD by women who apparently loved you.I have an empty life I mentally and physically self torture to keep going so other people can not have to deal with the pain I AM CARRYING FOR THEM.I didn't sign up for this.I'm not doing this much longer.I cant keep waking up and being tortured every day with a combination of fear, hope, and despair.
> —Wake up.Take medication.Wonder why Im here.Push thru day depressed while trying to help myself which obviously isnt much help.End the day alone in my head again.I exist alone, I dont live—I've done this over 500 days in a row.People say I have to keep going, so I dont hurt others.What about my hurt thats right here right now and not some fearful thing that hasnt happened?Who's inhumane here?!?
> If I take my focus off getting this online — I fear it will never happen and be yet another things I poured HOURS and hours into only to never see the light of day.I really want to break the cycle and not end up where I would if I were to throw my hands up.
> —Thinking about this for an hour.I go in.Car taken away.I come out.Still unemployedStill not on my ownAnd now no car.It will be a remote only search if I get out.I fear coming out after working hard—and u know Im going to take the staff to places theyve not been with a depressive.No one can make me FEEL love for self or life no matter how hard they try.Non existent self worth is a core, pillar belief.
> GMkeep waking up into fearI cant focus between the fear and depressionFeeling pressure to "get on with it" and get my shit together.Get on where?What is it?Overwhelmed with failure today, and crying.Feeling broken and deeply wrong.Its money.
> Personally remembering that only brings up FEAR of not just what I need, but fear of opening my mouth, or making any type of loud noise.
> Its different than at ur moms.Anyhow, hard to "envision" anything in the future when all u can do is "reactively" live.There has been nothing proactive about me or my life.Its been living white knuckled fear on high alert with a startle response that would challenge a cat