# Dissociation

*Motifs: not, numb, number, she, all, know*

## Quotations
> I have a monster headache right now I did such a number on myself, Oy!
> he just ran through all the numbers with me and looked forward in time and with depreciation, etc.
> blanket the area
> I cannot remember a day in the past any number of years where I've not felt depressed, anxious, negative towards myself in someway.
> Yesterday was a fog.
> wow, those are good numbers
> Foot a bit numb, but done.
> Numbers are good.
> Feel very disconnected and distracted.
> What field number are we playing on?
> You start to think back and there's this blank spot, its weird
> You have a unique gift of reducing the number of steps required for almost any task.
> Call back at that number?
> Sometimes it feels like I'm becoming numb to feeling anymore, because when I do it seems to hurt.
> the number of points inside the vector would make your eyes pop
> Your cell, this number
> Liked "What's your name and account number for Wells Fargo?
> Also, 5 more applications out.Numbers so far:162 — applied to35 — replied No (21%)13 — replied for interview (8%)114 — nothing heard yet
> What's the number?
> Her number you can enter on the athlete tracker and then follow her on course
> I have a number in the text for the national suicide hotline, so I can reach out to them if I need to
> This was during the dark depression days of Covid when I was numbing with lots of booze and weed
> I'm numb
> I have a faint headache but it's there.And honestly I feel a bit detached today.
> And in that moment I came up totally blank I actually said to him "I don't know"
> I sat in on an intervention with her brother Adam.When I was profoundly mentally ill, I was self-medicating with both to numb my suffering of feeling rejected.
> I did go to Kona which was great, but I had the specter of my relationship blanketing every experience.
> I've been somewhat numb.
> I dont feel grounded at all and its not a nice feeling.I feel detached from life and reality.Have felt this way for some time.
> I'm just excited to play against a large number of very good dart players who also are fun guys and really enjoy playing
> I have no self empathyI had it goodUntil I didn'tExcept I was I'llMind cancerOf depression Fogging thoughts 💭 Yet somehow that's lost And I'm to blame Or blame depression ?
> I've been able to transcend SOME of what challenges me ( some I've dealt with my entire life ).This involves staying with it, no distractions, no numbness, no substances.
> I can send you her phone number and email.
> Some random construction number.
> My mind was blank that whole time as well.
> Feeling really numb past 2 days
> Past few months it's been pretty numb.
> I wish I didn't feel numb to life
> Numb for me is the absence of happiness and joy.
> I have been numb for about two years.
> Honestly I'm numb at the moment
> Numb
> still feeling numb
> If Liz wants me, she has my number But no promises I'll be available
> Blonde hair, hazel green eyes, beautiful smile, and she has nice curves
> Let me guess, too much blank space
> It sounded like an older woman and left my number and was what I'm looking for.
> Their website is disconnected somehow.
> I've been feeling VERY dissociated since arriving It's like not being in your body and mindThey are somewhere else, then where my physical manifestation is standing.
> I realized after I sent that estimate to you that I should send you a range, so, for example, give you a low number medium number, or what I think it is going to be, and then the high-end number
> It all depends on what happens once you get in there, so it's hard to give precise numbers easier to give them a range and say it will fall somewhere in here
> Hey there, so there was some kind of weird disconnect.
> I think I can count the number of people I have any kind of serious connection with on one hand
> 2 inch interesting observations from the hike today, number one actually two things both involved losing something.
> She's just two years older than me.She gave me her phone number and a little XO at the end of the message.That improved my spirits greatly.
> Won't lie, it's stressful as all fucking hell, but I'm numb to it now because I'm in it all the time.
> She's disconnecting from me 😢
> 😍Already have my reservations up at Dennison spot number 15, my favorite and best spot in the park with a view of the mountains and I'm tingling with fucking excitement for Friday
> I'm dissociating from people
> Start at 10:30am and go until about 2:30—3:30 depending upon number of stops and boxes.
> I was feeling VERY disconnected from the boys today while at practice.
> Liked "That is the number for mental health resources in ..."
> Just below estimate number.
> Feeling dissociated again
> No experience or possession brings joy, peace, or comfort—there is only suffering, numbness, and dissociation.
> NumbI'm finding it difficult to feel positive in any form when my experience of every day feels the same.
> And limited number of meetings per project.
> I have no memories, just blanks when I try to think of things from recent times
> That's why people numb, shit hurts too fucking hard.
> By the way, I confirmed today that I was one of the first 25 million human beings on the modern Internet and now the number of people is at 5.44 billion.
> Starting to feel really numb to being alive.
> Just feeling super numb and don't want to really be here and or do anything
> Do I wanna sit there and suffer for the whole day?An expose myself to a ridiculous number of triggers, which include basically the eyeballs of every faculty member on campus looking at me.
> I'm just sort of staring off into space blindly numb disconnected lost
> use my Gmail email address and my phone number.
> I'm kinda at the point where numbing isn't really doing it distractions definitely don't do it.
> I was smoking a shit ton of pot to numb myself because my wife fucking made me feel invisible.
> After about 20 minutes and five different ways of trying to pay, I was able to do a bank transfer via account number from DMV to my DoorDash card.
> I have a google voice number that should suffice — thoughts?
> The rejection was awful and what drove me to smoking weed to numb myself out.
> And I just laid that at her feet.She's the one that caused me to decide to numb because she wouldn't pay a fucking attention to me.
> It would've been different if I had decided to use another woman to numb my pain.
> It's a supplemental income thing so it makes sense.The one thing I do know is that to get X number of dollars per hour you have to be in a city like Los Angeles.
> HiWoke up this morning and not feeling great.Just sad and crying all the time, or numb and dissociated.
> That or distracted by laptops or DoorDash.That's my life in its entirety now.I feel disconnected from society and the world for a long time now.
> It really messes with your brain Ok, time to go be dissociated and disconnected more.
> I'm dissociated — life is easier this way, at least for the moment.
> It's been my normal for a few years now.I think that's why I feel dissociated so much.
> Meanwhile, time moves on, and I'm just so disconnected from everybody and everything.I have a giant feeling I just being left behind
> It doesn't get easier.You get numb to it
> Feeling pretty dissociated this morning
> I can count on one hand the number of hot meals I've had in the last year.OK, two hands
> I think I've explained to you that it's easy for me to be in crowds and dissociate and feel very comfortable.
> Feeling numb today.
> It's below 60 in the mornings with the fog, and you feel kind of naked with a T-shirt and shorts on.
> Feeling nothingFeel numb
> It's just a lot of rejection and I don't even mention I get probably half a dozen emails a week saying thanks but no thanks it's you get numb to it but it's still fuck your head up.
> Just feeling really down in general It's like having a big wet blanket on your day
> It's good before I walk to the court clerks desk and submit it to get a case number.
> When I get a case number, that's when divorce gets real
> Call the 24 hour Nurse lineHe gave me a phone number to call and see what, if anything, they could do for me.
> LInks should be all ok.Updated Resume color to match website.They were color disconnected.
> I'm just so disconnected from everything just everything.People SocietyBusinesses
> She mistakenly must have typed a number wrong.
> I am my own problem I am doing my best not to make me or my problem other peoples problems.You may have noticed a decline in the number of texts I've been sending you.
> Im numb
> I was present but I had to dissociate so I didn't start crying in front of people
> A blank canvas one block from the ocean k
> today is another hard day for me and only been up an hour.I feel numb, mentally and physically.As if I just want to stop doing anything that is ‘TRYING" and give up.Nothing is working.
> And I don't care about credit ratings—they are fictitious numbers invented to keep people down.
> I'm numb to livingEvery day I just go through these fucking motions.I wake up the next day and do it all over again.
> I don't have money to join the dart league and I've been invited by the league president and the number two player in the league to be on either one of their teams.
> I have the president personal text phone number we have an active thread.
> President of the dart league invited me out to play darts with him and the number two player in the league so I'm going to play darts with the two best people in Ventura County right now.
> brain fog today
> Feeling disconnected
> Having a very lonely evening after a lonely day with brain fog.
> ☹️Tired brain fog, LOTS of staring into space losing touch with now
> I can't call cause I don't have a number
> Tonight is first night of dart league singlesI play the number two guy in the area, Tim the Rastafarian from England
> I'm simply doneI walk around disassociated every day numb to living.I'm surviving (barely) and not living, not thriving ( don't know if Ive ever had that )
> I'm sitting parked behind a gas station staring at the fucking ground and can't stop I'm in a fucking dissociated mindset and I can't fucking shake it.
> I just can't think anymore I can't think straight my brain fog is off the charts
> The idea of not having anything to do for 24 hours and sit on a couch binge watching my numbing spirit crushing shows and sleeping as much as possible
> I have a google Voice number already.
> try to call my number and see what you get.
> —Numb to life at this pointForm of boundary to protect myself paychilogicalky
> Anyhow I texted my opponent the number two guy in the county and said apologies something got me stuck in Ohio and I can play tomorrow night wherever you like
> I said, hi that's my stuff I went to get my other stuff.She looked at me blankly.I pointed again to my stuff and said.
> Feeling lots of stressAnd depression pushing hardFatigue Brain fog
> —Kinda numb
> Dissociated Feels like you watching your life from the outside
> This can take the form of:Numbness.Boredom.Apathy.Negativity.You may have trouble spending time with people.
> back to the numb
> I have lots to do but I blankly stare at screenUnmotivated 100%
> The feeling of making the decision feels detatched, dissociated.EmotionlessNo crying about itMake a choice Move the fuck onBlack and white
> Ive never felt this detached emotionally from thinking about itMeans im not scared
> That number is deceiving more like 10
> Just avoided a numbskull pulling into my lane from a dead stop.
> Pushing with numb limbs and spiritTo a place no one knowsOther than saying it will get better.Really?
> Actually, a handwritten note with my cell phone number folded up put it in an envelope with the guy who's doing the hiring and drop it off at the front desk and leave it for him
> Particularly when disconnected and melancholy.
> I'm simply fed up with being sick and not being able to live.I just find myself staring at the floor and my feet for long stretches of time not really engaged in anything other than a blank mind.
> Parts of body are numb because of tension in muscles.
> Near impossible for me to put into words what im feeling right nowNot a good feeling.Functional dissociation would be closest thing
> I'm disconnected from the worldPart of me loves it in fact I really love it but I can't make a livingUnless I become some kind of hermit artist
> —Im so disconnected...Life is superficial
> Meet with psych people this week and i need to stress to them how dysfunctional and dissociated I feel everyday.
> Clicking out of reality into this detached, vacant, dissociated place.Its nice there, because theres nothing.
> Im disconnected from this world.
> Persistent, predictable, and numbingly dragging a soul who doesn't want to be here thru this shit because, others.
> Its like a nap, but not.I am freaking out insideIm separate from my skin everywhere inside.dissociated
> One guy, Joe, shared that he self identified with the Dissociation poster and it was an awakening moment for him.
> —once I'm done chasing butterflies I can go get a mind numbing, soul-sucking, capitalist-whoring, performative jig over time in exchange for money.
> feel numband dead inside ⚰️
> I'm numb and really don't care about much other than trying to get past my brain and finish the first project I have since 2016.
> Dissociation night
> That was the real beginning of hard disconnect for me with her.
> —People numb themselves so they dont have to feel like I do right now.I have suffered hard pretty much every day of this past week.I've been distrating myself with the website and artwork.
> One does IV and has higher success rates because they tailor to the case, not a blanket approach which is what at home therapy is like.
> —first 90minsStared at floor.Blank mind.Thought about tapping out 3-4 times.
> Digress...Feeling like I do I had to mask hard (exhausting) but tire is full for now.I have filed for colorado medicaid and have a case number but not an official account yet.
> Been oscillating between dissociation, and anxiety since opened my eyes.K shutting up now
> Going to lose my phone number
> Otherwise I felt farther and farther disconnected
> Liked "Is the phone number still functioning?"
> Doc is still straightforwardBut i feel far more organized with the numbersThat will help Elizabeth because I know she hates math and numbers and banks
> Im dissociated today.
> Feel detached from this reality.Im here, but its like Im invisible.
> Im still numb.
> 🥹I had mentally processed that and detached already.
> I had it all set up with an account number and a routing number.
> Is it better to do it by card or by the account numbers
> Instead of speaking up, I get small, roll up my blanket, and go away
> I feel physical pain all day, but I'm numb to it, like a radio playing in the background of your kitchen
> when the baristas at the coffee shop comment that I'm here more than them, its sadly trueanyhow, wallowing in self pitygoing to go distract and numb myself with more work.
> Got meds.Feel numb to outside world.Dissociated and angry
> So I'm asking what percentage of my life was I homeless and sleeping in a car.When it spit back this number it was actually way more than I thought, maybe 5xThat would be approximately 2.68%.
> That is a fill in the blank prompt for me.Im actually __________ and _
> No drinking or drugging to numb and still no relief.
> I mean the raw, bleeding kind of strength it takes to still be here, typing these words, refusing to numb out completely.
> Think im simply going to stop feeling, and just go full numb.How else to keep up appearances?God forbid I let anyone down!!
> I really would prefer to numb out all night, but that's not possible either.
> Maybe the meds are numbing me out enuf.
> Elizabeth was precisely this in our relationship.Detached AvoidantWatch for 5 mins.The desire to have space, and I don't need your help or anyone else's to do anything attitude
> It feels, again, Liz gets what she wants in tru narcissitic detached avoidant form.
> Im still holding onto alot of shit/trauma in my body.The big trigger earlier has caused my entire being to shake/shiver for a while.I dissociate to make it stop
> GMWhen u can look at numbers, let me know
> fucking narcissictic detached avoidant selfish asshat witch kunt
> Just awake.Deciding if I want to even get out of bed today.I may sleepNo reason in getting up other than feeling like shit all day.DepressedDiscouagedAnd Alone Day number, i lost count
> I had a flashback to being homeless and really feeling those emotions again from a different place where I'm not so dissociated and numbed out because it fucking hurts so much
> I told her I'd like to do the killer and maximum dosage and she talked about dissociation and I told her don't worry I've lived in that space a long time I know what it is🤣🤣🤣
> Liz usually sends me a HB.Not this year.Shows how disconnected I am.Anyhow, I'll let them figure it outHonestly doesn't bother me.I dont get hung up on that stuff anymore.
> he was around in the early days and talked about how they discovered ketamines dissociative affects
> Im feeling numb to this existence.Have for a long LONG time.Basically because nothing makes me feel alive, its either numb, tired, or mentally self induced misery
> //A thought came to mind while I was dissociated in my session yesterday experiencing really heavily visuals.
> Rather be unconscious than be awakeClosest thing i have to being disconnected from this place
> Spend probably an hour a day on average mind numbingly staring at the floor.
> They have holes in their lives that hurt too much to walk around with every day, so you fill in with something that will numb you out from it.
> And if you're prone to overthinking things like I know you know what I'm talking about it becomes an evil hall of mirrors inside your own head that you can't get out of unless you dissociate
> I feel nothing this morning— just numb to everything
> Wasted energy.Thinking about a future that doesn't exist is also wasted energy.Have no motivation for anything, not even youtube videos.I'd rather be alone stare at the wall and be numb.
> Going in bigtime depressed and coming out feeling numb
> Or dissociated so bad naturally Im in survival mode and don't know it
> no remorse, cuz universe has been un-fucking-relenting.I'll deliver what I recived Mind numbing uncertainty, and pain that begins in bone marrow.
> Closer I get, the more dissociation I feelUnprovokedAs if subconscious is running the show
> Was dissociated first two weeks here.

## Vignettes
> Being less than I can be.
> Making poor decisions and letting others down.
> All based on my own self assessment and self judgement.
> Others have no idea these things are going on.
> I have a monster headache right now I did such a number on myself, Oy!
> he just ran through all the numbers with me and looked forward in time and with depreciation, etc.
> the lease is actually not a bad option.
> A little less money over time, plus no major repair bills if something goes wrong on car.
> New lease is covered by warranty
> I cannot remember a day in the past any number of years where I've not felt depressed, anxious, negative towards myself in someway.
> It's tiring and exhausting, but for some reason I keep doing it.
> And for the life of me I can't get underneath what the draw is for me.
> What's the win ?
> what am I getting out of this?
> Why would I want to feel like shit?It's exactly the opposite of how I want to feel
> Our travel home on Tuesday was very, very long.
> Got home at 4 AM yesterday.
> Yesterday was a fog.
> Woke up this morning and is mildly out of it.
> But have to start to work today.
> Run is done.
> 3 miles.
> Foot a bit numb, but done.
> Hey there.
> My dad went home today.
> Numbers are good.
> He has to give up cerveza—if you can believe it.
> Or he will end up in the same place.
> His pancreas can't take it anymore.
> BTW, side note.
> Today has been very weird for me.
> I've not had good sleep past 3 nights.
> Feel very disconnected and distracted.
> Oy vey I'm a mess 😊
> HI Declan, 2 things we need to know from your coach.
> 1.
> What field number are we playing on?
> 2.
> What time do we need to be there for warmups?
> You believe in making things simple so they are useful and understandable.
> You have a unique gift of reducing the number of steps required for almost any task.
> You constantly look for ways of simplifying.
> For you, life is better when it's simple and uncluttered.
> If you can simplify something and help the world, you will.
> Going to do it now.
> Also had another idea about a post to Instagram since that's where I have a small group of ppl following.
> Going to share about my depression and trying to hide it because of shame.
> I didn't get proper help in the darkest of times because I felt not worth it, and that I can keep pushing through like I always have.
> I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain, and that made things worse to the point I hurt the ones I love the most in the whole world.And now I don't know if I can ever earn their love and trust back.It hurts, but now there's no numbing.Almost a year ago I began to cultivate the smallest speck of self-worth through daily meditation.
> I created a daily habit of self-love and I can say now that months later I still feel intense emotional pain, but I sit with it, I feel it, and do my best to stay with it.
> Its not easy I will not lie as I've never done this my entire life.
> I've always been silent about my misery as best I could until it overflowed.Wow.
> What was that?
> Just pulled into driveway after visiting Sallie for a few hours today.Whole drive home been triggered about what feels like a year of my life gone by and nothings changed in my relationship with Liz.
> I still feel the mad mind around her every time I see her.
> Feels like this is never getting better ❤️‍🩹 it breaks my fucking heart to contemplate that.
> I love her so much, always have.
> My life still feels so it's uncertain 🤨 to me.
> 365 days of not knowing what's happening and sleeping on the couch.
> Sometimes it feels like I'm becoming numb to feeling anymore, because when I do it seems to hurt.
> When I think about someone touching me, hug, hand on the back, I feel recoil.
> It just feels fucked up.
> Also something that became very clear to me.
> I asked her to tell me how she is feeling.
> I asked her to tell me about you know her feelings of around you know us whatever you know around things and she never really answers the question she answers it by saying something along the lines I'm paraphrasing here "what do you think my feelings would be, you raped me."And I realize that her feeling is just that she feels that word, the "r" word.I have a blank spot, lack of understanding on how she would think I would ever be capable of that.
> We been together nearly 30 years and all of a sudden I'm a rapist?
> WTF And I've asked her and the response is that I scared her, I intimidated her she was frightened of me.
> I didn't know that until way later on deep into the depression and drinking and getting high.
> I've been very clear to her that I love her beyond measure, that I would take a bullet for her I would die for her.
> And it's not within my DNA to harm her in anyway.
> Even if I was intoxicated.
> I may have been intoxicated but I wasn't blacked out I wasn't unconscious.I was not myself when that happened.
> I was mentally ill deeply mentally ill and in copious amounts of alcohol and pot and you have a hot mess on your handsNow what she does not understand is that even in that state of mind I never would do that to her ever ever ever.
> That night the moment, the millisecond I sensed something not right I jumped right up and was right next to her asking what was wrong what is the matter what's going on what's the matterI had no idea because she hit her face and head under a pillow, the lights were low, the music was on, I was giving her a massage, we've done this routine many many times.
> There was nothing unusual about any part of that night except that if she didn't want me on her she should've turned and shouted in my face.She hid her face expression and voice and she didn't move her legs or anything in any kind of weird way, she was her body language was totally normal but she was suffering under the pillow and I, word on my mothers life, I had no goddamn idea that was going on.
> I'm curious if you were to review that data, those sites all contain data of real world employees salaries submitted I believe anonymously, in any event from these different sites in this data you can glean what you think someone who is doing what I do, senior UX designer, with the number of years experience I have, who lives in the Los Angeles area
> I've never been violent with her in 30 years of us being together, or physically violent.
> Certainly my father set the bar for that.What I don't understand is before that event she was scared of me I mean she even said that.
> I didn't doubt her, but I didn't understand, and still do not understand what she thought I was gonna do to her or the kids.
> I was in the middle of major depressive disorder, so I wasn't a very pleasant person to be around, I was pretty goddamn negative about just everything.
> I was told I should get help, and to some degree I agreed.
> But the depression was a lying motherfucker and convinced me, fuck that, don't check yourself into a hospital, they take away the things I use to numb me from despair and Depression and nail biting anxiety, keep beating yourself up because you deserve it, you're not worth it, you are better off dead.So I get it I was miserable to be around, but that's a mental illness, what the fuck am I supposed to do when I'm the one drowning????I'm supposed to jump out of the water and grab the lifesaver,and throw it in and save myself??WTAFShould have interventioned my ass with Derick and Molly and others to convince me to get help and I know I would have done it.The depression was totally in control of meAnd the depression only wanted my suffering I think you know me pretty well, know who I am at my core.
> I love people I love animals I love living things I am not evil, I'm not a bad person I've tried all my life to be as good a person as I can be otherwise I get the fucking belt, right?It just breaks my heart she thinks I did something that I'm not capable of
> I was thinking of emailing this...
> Let me know what you think.I'm excited and grateful for the offer to work with everyone at Hatch to help kids and teachers be successful.I'm also happy with the idea of the 6-month contract to make sure it's a fit.I have one question regarding the monthly compensation number of $10k.
> Financially for me, it would be ideal to have that number be $12k a month, if possible; I know you are working within budgets.Let me know what you think may be possible.Again, I'm excited to get started as soon as everyone is ready for on-boarding.Looking forward to working together.Kind regards,Bert
> I remember long ago one day I was standing in Nat and Sallie‘s house and Nat had a conversation with me, and he asked me so who are you?
> What do you stand for?
> What are you all about?
> And in that moment I came up totally blank I actually said to him "I don't know"
> ## I never put that together before.She has the trauma of watching Tim turn into somebody else, and she was terrified seeing him go through that transformation—SHE FELT HELPLESS and TERRIFIED.
> I know this because she told me the stories long ago.And then the same thing happens with her husband; he drops into a deep depression, and self-hate turns him into someone else; SHE FELT HELPLESS, TERRIFIED AGAIN, and for someone **who likes to be in control,** this was more than unsettling.
> She watched my dark spiral happen until it blew up in my face—which it had to at some point.I know there is a long history of alcohol and drug abuse with her brothers.
> Interventions, rehab, etc.
> I sat in on an intervention with her brother Adam.When I was profoundly mentally ill, I was self-medicating with both to numb my suffering of feeling rejected.
> She was feeling the energy of my frustration.
> I didn't believe I was worthy of asking for help.
> I had completely lost my ability to communicate pretty much anything with Liz because the energy of my severe depression and rejection frustration was palpable—it terrified her.
> I was lost inside my mind, blindfolded in a never-ending lightless labyrinth of suffocating silence and loneliness—depression—stranded inside my brain cells.This makes so much more sense now.I can see more of her suffering.
> Yeah, should.
> I have lots I need to do.
> I've been somewhat numb.
> Anything outside of work I have like, zero energy.
> Yesterday I sat for meditation as I usually do.However the app let me know I hit a new milestone 700 days of meditation I can say with certainty that I have felt and sat with "the force" of life in its myriad of forms.
> I'm living the explored life, the explored mind with all joy and all suffering.Sitting with incredibly painful thoughts and emotions to the point of feeling my humanness and compassion for suffering.
> I've been able to transcend SOME of what challenges me ( some I've dealt with my entire life ).This involves staying with it, no distractions, no numbness, no substances.
> Just pure being.I focus on my breathing moving in and out.
> Incredibly simple and relaxed but challenging to attain, like riding a unicycle.I can drop in to it within seconds and stay there for as long as I like, up to an hour of stillness is incredible medicine Anyway, just wanted to share some.
> Hope you are all having a good evening.
> Question for you.
> I had a session with my therapist, rather our marriage counselor therapist.
> She was concerned about me the other day, because she reached out, and I didn't reply.
> I shared with her today that I confronted an emotion that came up that actually stopped me from replying from to her, to you for the past two days, into Derick, enter Sallie.
> These are people all of whom I typically respond as soon as I see it.However this time, for whatever reason there was something in me that stopped me from replying.
> The key thing here is that I was fully, and completely aware of this behavior in the moment that it happened.
> I questioned it immediately and saw it more as a curiosity rather than some script I have to follow.
> Needless to say, I shared this insight with my therapist, and now I am sharing it with you.My therapist asked me today in session, is there someone I can contact if I can't get a hold of you.
> What she is looking for is someone to help her confirm at a high-level that I'm alive and OK.When she asked me this, my immediate reaction was sure no problem.
> However, I'm respectful of peoples boundaries and privacy and did not immediately offer up your information to her.I told her I'd speak to you and ask if it was cool, and if so, I will go ahead and share information both ways.
> I'll give her your phone and email, and I can do the same for you.
> I can send you her phone number and email.
> She is responsive to both.Sidenote, she is within the five-year range of both our ages, however, she married a much older man.
> I believe he is 15 to 20 years, her senior, and is presently facing Terminal cancer.
> It is a very incredibly sad situation as they have two adult children that are roughly the age of Aidan and Declan.Anyhow, just giving you some context about her.
> She is smart, a great listener, and a great conversationalist.
> I do enjoy spending time in session with herOK I will stop here because I am talking into the phone and pacing the house.
> I don't stop now I could do this for an hour and this text message might be 50 pages long.
> Dont know.
> Some random construction number.
> Its a joke
> Weston.
> 3 mins and I dont move.
> My mind was blank that whole time as well.
> Another day of feeling depressed, sad, and numb.I think somethings shifted this week because sometimes now instead of crying, I'm just numb, silent disassociating, and going off into some other mental place.It's kind of like daydreaming for me except there's no thoughts really you're just staring at the wall and yeah you're just there.
> Back when I had major depressive disorder, I actually disassociated for about almost an hour, sitting still staring at the same thing.
> When I snapped out of it, I thought maybe 10 minutes had gone by 15 at the most, but almost an hour ahead, and it was so not fun .
> It's a very good thing that when I was at the market today I didn't buy alcohol.
> I am happy and sad.
> Sad because I'd like to be very numb, but happy because I know if I was drinking, my head would be in a really really bad space my brain right now it's not in the Korean space all the alcohol so there you go anyhow let me know what's up been waiting to hear back.Remember I have no friends and no life so I just sit around and do nothing now.
> Absolute opposite of what my life was when I had children so I can appreciate your situation, OK hope to hear from you soon.
> Cheers.
> I was just thinking remember how you said on Thursday when I was stoned from losing the gig that I only had that day to have my pity party?I think today the numbness wore off 😆Today is pity party depression feel bad for myself, bullshit.Lyza's been around the house all day getting ready for camping.
> I've been around her more today than I have in the past 2 to 3 months so perhaps all that exposure is subconsciously triggering the FUCK out of me
> A few questions for you when you have time to answer.
> Number one I believe I asked you if you cleared my appearance this summer with your beloved and the girlsIs there a date that is too early for me to arrive?Would bringing Weston my dog with me to Colorado be a possibility?
> If not totally cool, but I thought I would ask, he does nothing but lay in sleep he's 14 and getting elderly.
> I would just hate for him to pass in the summer and I wasn't with him.
> I just called these guys and left a message.
> It sounded like an older woman and left my number and was what I'm looking for.
> They're an hour away from me here right in Salina just north of the exit and the charging station.
> It would be perfect spot for tonight.
> Interestingly, when I went to their website, it came up with a Plesk control panel default page.
> Their website is disconnected somehow.
> I'm going to mention that when I check in and tell him I know how to fix that and see what they say.
> Maybe I'll pick up a client.
> 🤣🤣
> FYI I just created a single column version of my resume.
> Something I read today said that AST (application screen and tracking) software scans resumes and then stores the data so recruiters can search on keyword etc.The guy who wrote the article said he had one interview for 100 apps.After changing format the number of interviews was like night and day.So going to use this new PDF file to submit and see what happens
> Yesterday was fun, but then went south last night.
> Suffice it to say I've blocked Dale from my phone.
> And struggling mentally hard last night.The feels are hard this morning.
> Want to numb out but that makes me more depressed and meditating the whole day away seems absurd but I could do it.Anyway feeling like shite and realize I'm about to go metaphorically skydiving next week when I take off from here.
> Feeling like I'm going without a parachute
> Hey there, so there was some kind of weird disconnect.
> Nobody was connected the way I saw it, so I went ahead and connected it to my Jetpack account that's associated with my Google email address, so I'm connected in control and can control it, but I can also transfer it to you or Tricia, however, you need to have a word http://press.com/.org login
> 2 inch interesting observations from the hike today, number one actually two things both involved losing something.
> First one was a light on the ascent just slipped off my bag and I watched it bounce I couldn't go after it because if I did, I would be dead.
> ☠️ it was a tiny, USB rechargeable light.
> I can replace for five bucks.
> I don't feel so incredibly lonely.
> I'm texting with a high school friend name, Maribeth, who I had the hots for a long time ago, and she is still very hot.Also, there is a woman I was connected with on my app and she is moving to Ojai by December 1.Right now she lives in West Hollywood but is moving up here.
> Her name is Jan and she's originally from London and she is a designer.
> She's just two years older than me.She gave me her phone number and a little XO at the end of the message.That improved my spirits greatly.
> Not that I need that to improve my spirits but considering how long I've felt like shit like my time with Heidi I'll take what I can get.
> Hey, could you read this text I drafted to send to Liz?I'm trying to get her to just open up and treat me like a person instead of some rancid asshat.thx—Hi, I have an honest question for you.
> Since returning to the Ojai Valley, I've had some moments where memories flood back and hit like a tsunami—it's taken my breath away more than once.
> This has me reflecting and finding unknowns.What changed for you from going to therapy sessions together with your therapist to mentally getting 'done?'There needs to be more understanding there for me.
> On one side, you wanted to go talk about it, then all of a sudden not, and I have no idea as to why?
> Or where was the failure?I went to Colorado to give you the space you asked for.
> I gave you everything you ever asked through all our years and always worked hard to be better after each and every time I was human.I had a mental illness—depression—running my mind and body in late '19 until I returned last summer in '23.
> It was a consistent path down multiple dark nights of the soul.The depression wants me to suffer, over and over, deeper and deeper.
> It was and is unrelenting.
> I have it in check with proper therapies, and I'm sober.
> Even though drinking would numb the immediate emotional and mental pain, the morning after, it was fuel for depression, making it FAR worse, FAR darker, just severe.I want to apologize for my depression, and that feels weird to me.
> It's like apologizing because I had some other bodily illness.
> People don't usually apologize for their diseases' effect on others, but I do.I AM SO SO SO SORRY for all the pain, fear, misery, frustration, unsaid conversations, and unshared feelings, hopes and dreams.
> I failed you and was, at that moment, incapable of overcoming the grip depression had on my heart and mind.I didn't want this to happen to us, our family, or our lives.My heart always hurts thinking of you being unhappy.Be well.
> As long as I can keep my stuff in storage and keep my car I'll be ok.
> If I lose either I may lose myself.
> Won't lie, it's stressful as all fucking hell, but I'm numb to it now because I'm in it all the time.
> When I have to change locations it all comes falling back down on your head
> Thing is I still laugh at the premise that I'm in my 50s and have no fucking clue who I am.I've been so dissociated and living in either anxiety or depression my whole life that my identity feels like whatever suits the moment in order to make peace, make no ripples in the pond, and generate a mask of likability.When I resonate with the rage/anger vibration inside me, it's volatile.
> I got in that headspace in the mosh pit back in NY at the Jinjer show.
> I didnt give one shit about what happened — I just wanted to feel alive.
> Getting your ass handed to you and getting up off the floor has a way of waking you up.
> In her mind, she can't understand why I'm single.
> She keeps asking me like aren't you dating someone?
> No one?
> Really?Yes.
> I had to inform her that I've been a hermit for a long time and I'm just putting my toe into the pond.I think she feels like she's got Willy Wonka‘s golden ticket Oh, she said to me last night I'm camping with you this weekend.And I said, oh OK !
> 😍Already have my reservations up at Dennison spot number 15, my favorite and best spot in the park with a view of the mountains and I'm tingling with fucking excitement for Friday
> Start at 10:30am and go until about 2:30—3:30 depending upon number of stops and boxes.
> So roughly 5-6 hours a day for me.
> So ~ 120 – 145 a day.
> Groq is the lightening fast innovation that could give ChatGPT a run for its moneyComparison of Groq vs other AI models powered by GPUs.
> Source: Groq.While others are trying to get ahead by designing better AI models, a relatively unknown startup called Groq has surprised everyone by designing an AI chip that allegedly runs a lot faster than anything else out there.Groq (not to be confused with Elon Musk's Grok) is a new type of processor that can run applications like AI models at supposedly lightening fast speeds.
> We couldn't believe all the hype on social media so we went to the website to give it a spin, and we gotta say, it's pretty darn fast.For a rough technical comparison to ChatGPT, Grok generates roughly 500 tokens per second, whereas ChatGPT-3.5 generates around 40 tokens per second.
> A token is a unit of information, like a word or number, that AI models process to generate responses.Groq claims that it's built a "Language Processing Unit," which it says is faster than traditional graphics processing units (GPUs) that power most major AI models, like the one behind ChatGPT.The move could signal a new generation of chips built specifically for AI workloads.
> GPUs behind many of today's major AI models were originally built to handle computer graphics and video games.
> A new generation of chips may prove to be a more powerful alternative.As the race to capture the rapidly growing generative AI market heats up, Groq's new chips could spurn new competitors to major model makers like OpenAI, as well as chip manufacturers like Nvidia.
> For whatever reason, this morning is bringing it.
> Weeping moments after waking up.
> A disassociated drive up to Ojai.
> Feeling incredible gratitude and nearly weeping because my laundry was still in the dryer at the public laundry.🧺 Now, I'm sitting inside Starbucks, and I'm the only person sitting inside with the crew at almost 9 am in the morning.I'm witnessing a beehive of activity churning out hot and cold caffeinated concoctions of various sizes in service to a line of vehicles in a race to the bottom of an oil barrel.It's incredible when you get still enough...You can see the distractions humans create to unconsciously distract themselves from deeper realities with deeper meaning.I can see the difference in the faces walking in to pick up their mobile app order sent while burning fossil fuels to get here.Some sad,Some angry,Some zombies,Many insecurities,And a whole panoply of people are numb to the fact,That this—living human—experience ends at some precise point and moment in time.And this simple fact alone can make one's subconscious do all it can to avoid the inevitable truth.Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming already in progress.......
> When you HIT the number you want, but when it hits, for some reason only beknowst to the dart gods, it bounces off the board/wire, something and ends up on the ground.What is CLEAR is that you hit the number, everyone sees it, and you throw with enough force for it to go in, no rainbow throws—if you know what I mean.
> It's finally here!
> If you've been subscribed to this newsletter for long enough, you know how excited we are about Gemini 1.5 Pro, Google's new AI model that lets you upload entire books, videos, images, and otherwise.It also boasts a memory recall that's almost perfect, making it the best AI model in theory for extracting accurate details from large files.Here's how to use it:Go to the AI Studio websiteSelect Gemini 1.5 Pro from the Model menu on the rightAttach a file from the Insert menu in the top of the windowType a prompt in the chat and you're good to goWhile you can do all the regular stuff here that you can do with other chatbots like ChatGPT, Gemini 1.5 Pro really shines when you upload large files and try to get answers or summaries related to the file.Note: AI Studio can be accessed in most major countries but it's yet to be rolled out in a small number of locations.
> Reflection My life has sucked every day for a long time...
> any whiff of progress and life always turns around to raise the ante on me.
> No experience or possession brings joy, peace, or comfort—there is only suffering, numbness, and dissociation.
> I'm still deeply hurting inside I'm not sure I'll ever heal before I'm deadLike I said to Jenica the last time I saw her, "I'll get out of this dead or alive"As much as I might want something I don't have, I've been hurt too much and too deep.
> Walking thru a supermarket and suddenly start crying because of deep down pain.I feel isolated and sad.I went to darts today and felt nothing.
> NumbI'm finding it difficult to feel positive in any form when my experience of every day feels the same.
> Lost and losing.K, parked on a street in Ventura and going to sleep now
> Subscriber based.
> Monthly fee.
> One project at a time, and as many projects as you want but one at a time.
> And limited number of meetings per project.
> By the way, I confirmed today that I was one of the first 25 million human beings on the modern Internet and now the number of people is at 5.44 billion.
> Which puts me at .4%.
> I'm at the fucking top of Internet lifetime.
> I keep thinking about going to Darragh‘s graduation and the predominant thought is I will not be able to take my mind off of sitting in the knowledge and awareness of all that I've lost.
> I'll be sitting right in the middle of it.
> All can I not think that How much I lost.
> Going to his graduation is gonna be really painful.And I know that Elizabeth‘s friends who give me the fucking dirty looks are gonna be thereI already said it to Aidan that I may not be able to be at graduation.
> And he freaked out and said, but what about DarraghAnd I said Aidan my whole life I've never taken care of myself and I've never protected myself so now that I want to it suddenly not OK?He told me I would regret not going to Darragh‘s graduation.
> I reminded him that plenty of people will be video recording it so I'll see it.So it really comes down to a decision.
> Do I wanna sit there and suffer for the whole day?An expose myself to a ridiculous number of triggers, which include basically the eyeballs of every faculty member on campus looking at me.
> It would be just so much easier if I didn't exist because then me being at graduation would be in moot Point.
> I got a tax refund overnight deposited into my account and then woke up to find Adobe went in and took their 60 bucks so I guess I need their apps, but I also need money to survive so fuck.It seems like even if I get the tiniest bit ahead like $50 ahead something calms and chops my feet out from under me.
> Just fucking tired I'm sick of this and I don't want to do it anymore.I think the medication dosage change is kicking in because right now Would typically be crying like a motherfucker, I'm not crying.
> I'm just sort of staring off into space blindly numb disconnected lost
> I am about 2 miles from the parking lot where I park pretty much every night.
> And, I don't know, when I got to the end, I had a huge pause for a good minute about rather not being able to say the next thing, but in my mind, I had like 50 plates all spinning at once, I'm just fucking tired.
> All my brain does is spend time in this fucking existential worry and it's not good to be there all the time every day every night every day every night over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
> While it hits you even if you're numb to it, you still realize that things are fucked up you know maybe I should've been hospitalized my whole life and I'm one of the crazy people that got let out and I just assimilated to culture and society and made it this far!
> OK, it's time for a cupcake a pat on the back and off you go
> I'm kinda at the point where numbing isn't really doing it distractions definitely don't do it.
> I have nowhere to go to distract me.
> I have no friends no fucking life.I get the fucking Spanish Inquisition from my parents about what the fuck I'm doing after June 1.
> I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing after today.
> I would just love to know why she was so afraid of me before all this happened.
> She when she reached out to you.
> That was a period of time when I was a fucking ghost I didn't exist to her.
> She didn't talk to me at all, so I got fucking depressed.
> I was smoking a shit ton of pot to numb myself because my wife fucking made me feel invisible.
> Then I get told to get the fuck out.I'm glad I stopped at the self-help center at the county offices today.
> I'm gonna start filing for divorce.
> I'm gonna put in the financial papers.
> I want fucking alimony.
> I want her to pay for an apartment.
> I want her to pay for a lot of things she's gonna put me up Just like her dad had to do for her mom.
> After about 20 minutes and five different ways of trying to pay, I was able to do a bank transfer via account number from DMV to my DoorDash card.
> It actually charged me no fees doing it that way so that eight dollars wasn't even taken so yeah I'm sorry that all of that happened and I, all that stress out at you
> Funny cuz it aint helping.
> Now have Tmobile telling me they'rere going to shutdown my line for past due bill of 300.
> At this point I dont care.
> I'll have to live without a phone can't afford it.
> Have to take calls with laptop and schedule them.
> That's all.
> I have a google voice number that should suffice — thoughts?
> Just done with my walk and I went to the market and saw two beautiful women there.
> I can't not see beautiful women right now.
> And they look back and I then get discombobulated 😕 I really want that companionship.
> It's what I wanted in my marriage with Liz but she was always too tired 🥱 at the end of every day.We tried a schedule.
> That always got pushed off and then would never happen.I never said to Liz that it was unacceptable to be in a relationship and we're just roommates who share a bed for sleeping and nothing else.I can't tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep since 2013, yes 13.
> The rejection was awful and what drove me to smoking weed to numb myself out.
> Funny cause she uses the weed smoking as justification, partOf, divorce.Never asked WHY I would do it, just I can't believe you were doing it.She didn't want to understand.
> So simple and it kills me to distill it to that.She didn't want to understand me, or what was wrong.She never once asked me what was wrong, just more ghosting and drove me deeper into depression and weed.
> Hi, I am in this weird headspace that is not depression.
> It's more of empty anxiety about not knowing what the fuck to do.It's like being frozen like a deer in the headlights.
> You gotta fucking move, but you're frozen.
> You have no idea which way is up which way to goI just sent Liz a text about some thing I learned with regard to Darragh and it really pissed me off.
> Apparently he went to the gun range with one of Liz's male friends.I hate guns and I don't want my kids exposed to.
> So I sent her a text that said I would appreciate the courtesy of consideration when you're making decisions about what my son is exposed to.
> Granted he's an adult in a week but the point of this is courtesy.
> I also said to her you threw me out of the family because you were unhappy with what I exposed Aidan to when he was rummaging around and found the weed I was smoking for years because I was numbing the pain from your years of rejection.She never asked me why I was smoking weed ever.
> And all these years.
> And I just laid that at her feet.She's the one that caused me to decide to numb because she wouldn't pay a fucking attention to me.
> HiWoke up this morning and not feeling great.Just sad and crying all the time, or numb and dissociated.
> That or distracted by laptops or DoorDash.That's my life in its entirety now.I feel disconnected from society and the world for a long time now.
> It really messes with your brain Ok, time to go be dissociated and disconnected more.
> I'm up and off to work at 6:30
> honestly, I don't think I feel anything other than the sad is my new normal, rather not new normal.
> It's been my normal for a few years now.I think that's why I feel dissociated so much.
> For example, today I go walking and I go by people people I say hello no communication.
> It's as if I go through the world and people don't see me.
> For real it happens all the fucking time to me.
> That's why I get so fucking angry and I start swearing calling everybody a fucking ass fuck!
> I have a real distain for people right now.
> Like being in crowds or out where there's loud music like a concert or something.
> I don't want to do those things anymore.
> I don't wanna go out and be around and socialize just a fucking waste of time.
> Do you know what else sucks never being able to buy ice cream, or frozen foods or anything you have to cook.
> I think.
> I can count on one hand the number of hot meals I've had in the last year.OK, two hands
> I gotta admit that there is a reason to all this madness and it all fucking makes sense to me now.Of course I'm by myself of course I'm miserable because I'm not comfortable being with myself even though I don't like being near people I also don't like being by myself, which is this weird paradox.
> I think I've explained to you that it's easy for me to be in crowds and dissociate and feel very comfortable.
> In fact, it might be the best thing ever for me.
> Imagine being at a rock concert and sitting there and enjoying yourself but you're not interacting with a goddamn soul because you're there by yourself and nobody knows you and they're all with their friendsI think that makes senseAnyhow I'll send the link shortly.
> I'm practicing Darts for tomorrow's monthly $10 buy in.
> If I spend about three hours and $10 investment with some good throwing, I could turn that into 6x, 60 bucks.
> Feeling numb today.
> Was pushing myself so hard since parents left.
> Like a whole month of pushing hard.
> I paid my car and storage, that's about it.I can't put in all those hours every month for just my car and storage.
> I'll set things up right now and let you know if I have any issues.
> I have my never search alone group meeting in one hour starting at 10:30 Pacific after that meeting I'm going to grab some pants and warmer clothes for Ventura.
> It's below 60 in the mornings with the fog, and you feel kind of naked with a T-shirt and shorts on.
> It's definitely at least a fleece on top.
> Just feeling more rejected and confirmation of things I attempt to convince myself of otherwise.This repeats.
> You've hung out with me long enough to see it.
> I'm not making shit up.
> It's just a lot of rejection and I don't even mention I get probably half a dozen emails a week saying thanks but no thanks it's you get numb to it but it's still fuck your head up.
> OK, headed to the house done with dashing going to take the dog out to the beach just for a quick loop.
> I know she'll wanna go then back to the house and I will send you the PDFs of the divorce paperwork.
> I am also going to send it to, my father just because I know he's fastidious about documentation.
> He used to do his own taxes, long form at the dining table until he had too many variables at Play so it made sense to hire somebody who knew shit.
> He didn't know the way things are unfolding I think it will be next week whenI have everything in order and I can go to the help center to confirm.
> It's good before I walk to the court clerks desk and submit it to get a case number.
> Found a chat line for Medi-Cal Rx.
> Texted with a real person.
> Told them the situation.
> They said hands are tied by policy and cant renew for me, despite the fact I'm not changing anything, just more of the same.Still no.They said I have 2 options.1.
> go to an ERI said on text that's ridiculous and waste of resources, not to name inefficient2.
> Call the 24 hour Nurse lineHe gave me a phone number to call and see what, if anything, they could do for me.
> They may not be able to do anything, but that's the only route he could see until I meet with my new doc — I sent paper work in 2 weeks ago.
> Unsure what's next.
> BTW, I have this random woman who texted me this morning.
> She mistakenly must have typed a number wrong.
> I'm seeing if its a catfish trying to con me.
> This cycle I'm living isn't working here.
> In a lot of ways.I have 10 days at this house starting Wednesday I'd like you to give some consideration to the idea that I would come to Colorado.
> I could stay with Trisha and Don, but Don and I go at it in text over politics.
> I'm trying to get the guy to wake up, but he's too distracted by what he's being fed through his media sources he talks about some weird shit.Anyway I know Tricia said I always have a place to stay at her house and of course I don't want to impose myself on anyone for longer than absolutely necessary.
> Part of the reason why I am where I am.
> I am my own problem I am doing my best not to make me or my problem other peoples problems.You may have noticed a decline in the number of texts I've been sending you.
> Just got to the car after finishing.
> I was kind of a zombie in the building sort of disassociated honestly.
> I was present but I had to dissociate so I didn't start crying in front of people
> Yes, that's correct.
> I mean it's plausible I could have enough money to get me to Las Vegas then I could DoorDash there to get me enough charge to jump to the next place and right now you know I just don't know what the most prudent way is.
> Obviously the more risk reduction the better.
> I've been living in my car for a long time so my sense of risk is skewed compared to other people.
> I parked my car in some sketchy areas.
> Anyway yes finances to get my car a check up, then post check up what if it needs something Like it for sure needs brakes.
> I've had this car over a year and I've never put brakes on it I drove it cross-country and back I've never put brakes on it only two tires.
> Figure electric car tuneup and a brake job.
> Tomorrow morning I can call Ventura Volkswagen service department tell them my making model And have them give me some ballpark numbers and say I'm trying to line up the money to get these things done to my car I need to know how much I'm looking to get.
> Beyond the car, then it's money for charging and food.
> I can sleep in the car the whole way there I mean Christ I've slept in it for months what the hell is 34 more days gonna be and I'll be in I think Better places I've been although truckstops are notorious for being super sketch but if I park in a lit area I know they have cameras, and besides once I park I never even open my doors I climbed from the front seat into the back and climb back into the front and drive away I never leave my car and my sleeping location
> ps.
> Did some adulting (not adultery) which is hard for me.
> Taking care of responsibilities on deadlines is a bitch when you're inside my head.
> You fight yourself internally to hit them—all my life.I digress.
> Contacted VW Ventura about an electric car service and pricing.
> Once it gets in there, they'll estimate the brake job which I'm 90% sure will need to happen ($~600)pss.Its a fucking nightmare trying to find yourself, or reinvent yourself and get back on your feet, and have it feel real and authentic not dissociative or liminal.I simply would like whatever this childhood trauma monster is to get its boot off my neck and go the fuck away.
> You've done your work of protecting me, and now you're fucking me up.
> forwarded an email.
> today is another hard day for me and only been up an hour.I feel numb, mentally and physically.As if I just want to stop doing anything that is ‘TRYING" and give up.Nothing is working.
> No one wants me.I feel so done today and I have to go door dash because I only have $9 to my nameRealizing if I had checked out last summer I would have saved myself an entire year of this bullshit.Its like...
> you want another year of this??
> Because nothing is indicating its going to get any better.Maybe I've not hit "rock bottom" yet?I fell like I have, but who knows?Maybe I have even farther to fall, more to do, more to climb.What I know right now, today, is that if my life is like this on Dec 31, 2024I am going to seriously reconsider living — that will be Jan 1—Dec 31 + of this shit existence.
> I've simply had enough of this world.
> I think this is the 3rd or 4th account that is in collections now.I'll send collections the letter I sent all the CC companies.Hi, I'm unemployed and homeless and have been for nearly 18 months.
> I can't give you what I don't have.
> Your calls will go unanswered because like I said, I have no money to give you.
> And I don't care about credit ratings—they are fictitious numbers invented to keep people down.
> I don't have money to have a social life really.
> I don't have money to join the dart league and I've been invited by the league president and the number two player in the league to be on either one of their teams.
> Sadly I don't have the money and I'll likely be out of town.
> Again who knows.Like I said one day I'm going to wake up and when I go to sleep my life will probably be very different
> I have the president personal text phone number we have an active thread.
> I was thinking of being transparent and humble and telling him I just don't have the scratch right now to do it but I don't know I could ask him to spot me I don't know if that's rude he knows I'm going through a divorce he saw that I posted my résumé on the Slack people if they know anybody in the industry actually one guy does and his company might be looking for a guy like me very engineering and he's pushing to get a designer on staffAnyhow have to turn on my DoorDash in 10 minutes dashing for two hours till sunset and then I don't know I want to go up and look at my shit but I mean at this point what can I do you know it's no big deal if it wait till tomorrow
> President of the dart league invited me out to play darts with him and the number two player in the league so I'm going to play darts with the two best people in Ventura County right now.
> That's my treat for getting my ass back to platinum and go shoot darts with those guys and have a beer that's it Then it'll be bedtime for Bonzo
> I simply cannot respect her because number one she didn't honor her vows that she took to me in front of her mother and father and other relatives that are no longer with us number two she is someone who pride herself on Word of honor and integrity.
> Beyond the vowels she promised me many things if I gave her time and space to healI gave her a third of an entire year of space and time without any communication.I literally gave her everything I fucking couldIt just hurts deeply
> Its September and an entire calendar year of this existence is about to come up If it somehow becomes January and Im still stuck...Yeah, Depression will be back probablyharder than ever.K, off to sleep.
> Didnt get much done at all today.
> ☹️Tired brain fog, LOTS of staring into space losing touch with now
> I lost my match to Tim the number two in the county he swept me 11 games to nilThat said there were three games where I was ahead and had a chance to shoot and win the game in each one of those games and just missed and he stepped up and won the game so even though it's a sweep I could have won three of those games And it could've been 11 to 3.This is a guy who has roughly a 60 point average for three darts which if you're an amateur that is high high-level amateur because once you get into 70 and low 80s you're at low end of the pros
> I left my coffee and phone on a 2 seat table and went outside to get my computer and big battery.When I came back in a woman was just about to sit at the table I had my stuff.
> I said, hi that's my stuff I went to get my other stuff.She looked at me blankly.I pointed again to my stuff and said.
> I was here.She said "well I just wanted to sit down and proceeded to somewhat affronted get up and walk away.
> She seemed pissed off.I said you can sit there its fine with me.
> But she kept going.I put my head down and here I am typing.
> What I've pasted below is from the page above.
> This description below is all accurate for me.
> —What does anhedonia feel like?If you experience anhedonia, you may not "feel" — like there's an emptiness where you expect your feelings to be.
> It may feel as if you're being followed by a dark cloud that's blocking the sunlight.
> This can take the form of:Numbness.Boredom.Apathy.Negativity.You may have trouble spending time with people.
> You may feel like you have nothing to give, whether that's love, affection or appreciation.
> This can lead to social isolation—I self isolate.
> Primarly because I have no resources and if I connect with people money eventually becomes involved and then I can no longer participate.
> Spending the day avoiding the sun, no driving, and distracting myself from stomach.Have headache above my right eye, it's hard to turn my head because my neck muscles are so fucking tight and I can't get my brain off the hamster wheel.I can stay here next 10 hours then need to move.
> Going to go to sleep.
> I have lots to do but I blankly stare at screenUnmotivated 100%
> I just had a DoorDash to Thacher from Starbucks and was able to pick up my medication from Declan.And I got great news from Declan that made my day.
> He has a job his first job at the local supermarket and he starts this upcoming weekhe was whining about it already, and I told him that will go away as soon as you see the numbers on that first paycheck
> Pretty sure working a job just to have a job will be a temporary distraction, until it isn't and I'm back in the deep depression space like always.The other thought I cannot get out of my head is that although things are changing I feel as if I am going backwards in some aspects of life.I feel a disconnection that is hard-wired in my brain.I've ALWAYS felt disconnected since I was a kid.
> Always the last picked for teams or games.
> No strong friends I've had over my life—everyone dissapears on me as some point....Even Liz...
> ——Observation:I'm isolated here.I could see Declan in person.
> Could soak up the wave energy at the beachknew where things were and where to goI knew a few people I had places to hang out even without money simply because I had lived there for decadesHad the dart people in Ventura to hang with who all became great friends—Here, best way to describe the dissociation...I'm outside the snow-globe looking in.
> Im fine, but alone and have an invisible barrier between me and real life inside the snow globe.Im More the observerThan a participant livingIm totally ok with thatThere are many ppl who Id rather avoid—I asked the nurse who helped me other day that if she didn't read about my depression or need for meds, would she have the slightest inkling Im someone with major recurrent treatment resistant depressive disorder or any flavor of depression??She said absolutely not, no way.
> I'm far too chatty and laugh too much when in conversation and make jokes.And shes a medical pro and couldnt see it in me—the average person has zero clue how damaged I am.There's zero empathy.
> It is a challenge at times.
> Particularly when disconnected and melancholy.
> Then turns into dissociation.The pattern ive discovered is dissociation comes on when my mind knows it needs to unplug for fear of being subconsciously triggered.As if my subconscious reaches into my conscious state and splits my mind.I was doing it this morning staring at my laptop before I opened it.
> I clicked out was staring at the top of the laptop for at least a good 3 to 5 minutes with zero thoughts zero I movement total stillness .
> So either I take that as my mind going into auto pilot meditation, or my brain clicking out because it doesn't wanna deal.One thing I do know is I'm confused and very tired
> —was watching a video, see people having a good time and get incredibly triggeredlife has been on hold a long time and truly sick of being sick.
> I'm simply fed up with being sick and not being able to live.I just find myself staring at the floor and my feet for long stretches of time not really engaged in anything other than a blank mind.
> I'm a semi-catatonic mentally ill person pretending that I'm ok and that everythings just going to work out swell—I found myself talking back outloud to a new audio book I;m listening to about suicide called ‘stay' and its read by the author.
> I found the book from a recommendation from another depressed related thing.
> Anyhow one of the tenets she said was that one shouldn't commit suicide because it hurts society, and instantly—without hesitation or thinking I shouted outloud as I walked around Golden Ponds....FUCK SOCIETYand then caught myself in shock at how that just came out.My shadow.It can be nothing else.Its me, but the unbridled fuck you version of me thats the part of me that got stuffed away.I let that out and you can only imagine how happy my dad would have been.
> Anyhow, dancing with shadows over here.Like I've said and I'll say it again...Everest and Elephants
> However if you let go if your desire but on a subconscious level your brains tuned into it as much as you can be grateful that you're not outside in some parking lot with a blanket wrapped around you like I saw this person outside a Walgreens last night.
> And I've seen dudes asking for money on corners and I see them they're everywhere Around here I don't know if people noticed them.
> They come into Starbucks and get water and use the bathroom all the time
> Awake at 5am today and didnt ask for it.
> Parts of body are numb because of tension in muscles.
> Anyhow, awake now and another day of bullshit
> Its doubly sad that Im present to all of these emotions.
> Being alone with them day after day after day is numbing in a way impossible to describe and hard for neurotypical to grok.Heard it said in "Stay" the suicide book yesterday when I finished it this summation of feeling in 4 words.AliveButNotLivingAnd ive been just that 5 or 6 years now.
> I was DEEPLY depressed and lots of ideation starting in Spring 2018.
> That fall was hard and I never got back to a level head space, I stayed on the Dark Side until covid showed up.
> Then lots of drinking, and then the abyss going deeper and darker than ever before.Ideation was daily for weeks.
> I simply existed.
> Anyhow, putting forth effort to do something.
> Working on vcda website stuff.
> Might hike in the afternoon, however im mentally preparing myself for car repossession likely to happen before christmas.
> Im sad about the idea, but Ill accept it and just keep waking up every day and pushing until I'm dead.Man this feeling is so profound im crying as i type this seated alone inside Ozo watching life go by for the past couple hours.Be well, and have a good day.
> 🙂
> A bit distraught tonite.Lizs birthday this week, a trigger for sure.
> Meet with psych people this week and i need to stress to them how dysfunctional and dissociated I feel everyday.
> That im unsure if ive ever lived without being conscious of either anxiety or depression.
> that the second memory I have in my life is "you are to be seen and not heard" from a great grandfather.
> I took that to heart so intensely that I lost myself and was no longer "seen" as well by hiding, stepping back, and other mouse like activities
> Sitting on the lid of a toilet staring at the floor the past 30 mins.
> Clicking out of reality into this detached, vacant, dissociated place.Its nice there, because theres nothing.
> No thoughts, no awareness, no people, just brain flatlined
> ps.
> Being around people and feeling completely isolated and alone is tel:247365.
> Im disconnected from this world.
> Its as if Ive been asked to leave and not got the message yet and everything is waiting for me to leave this existence.
> The feeling of not belonging in this world is palpable.
> —GM.
> Map..??Also, haven't said one word this morning but have cried twice already.
> This is life now.
> Persistent, predictable, and numbingly dragging a soul who doesn't want to be here thru this shit because, others.
> —-Hey.
> Woke up in a weird place in the head.
> It's sour, and I'll spare you the drama.Needless to say but feeling of pushing thru yet another day numbs me to it from the start.I know how the day will proceed and end, and repeat again tomorrow.Mental prisonDepression will never let me out.
> hola.just done with jsc meeting.
> everyone is supportive of my poster work and said they will happily share the link when I have it ready.
> 2 ppl in particular were quite moved by it.
> One guy, Joe, shared that he self identified with the Dissociation poster and it was an awakening moment for him.
> He realized that was something he experiences.Wild.
> —once I'm done chasing butterflies I can go get a mind numbing, soul-sucking, capitalist-whoring, performative jig over time in exchange for money.
> Never mind the loss of the soul.
> I can certainly find something, and not trying to be picky, I'm finally speaking up and saying, "ya'know think about getting triggered and going deeper and darker—totally plausible—be cautious of all people and places."Before I'd bury that thought and go do what others are expecting of me — performative monkey boy.
> Get me a red fez hat and brass cymbals.
> Just walked around the ponds and feeling worse now.
> Doordashing at moment.
> No orders but also tired, no desire or motivation.
> feel numband dead inside ⚰️
> going to be selling something I've not even seen.
> feels very weird to do that.ok.
> back into my head.other than saying good morning and good night to your mom and some small talk I've been a hermit.I go out in public, but I'm the last person who will go talk to a stranger—if anyone knows that well its you.Besides I cant engage with people."Yeah, I'm unemployed and live with my aunt...." makes me want to hang out—amirite?anyway, life just continues to push along.
> I'm numb and really don't care about much other than trying to get past my brain and finish the first project I have since 2016.
> I price lower, ppl will buy more than one.Especially postcards.I should do a set of all 6 for $30.
> Good profit marginI have an idea, I am create a Google spreadsheet with columns and put my base costs in for the different products then put a column for markup and then a column for total price and I could have a column for shipping base cost.I'll share it with you so we can play with the numbers.This is where I get into an area of business I have a little to zero experience in.
> Pricing products so they sell
> She came down and asked me how I was doing.
> I started to share and it snowballed until I couldn't stop articulating all the things I keep repeating and looping day after day.I'm simply fed up with not being able to live, and not just be alive.I've been alive and not living for 6 years now—mid - 2018 I was massively depressed after Nat's passing and Liz never grieved with me at all.
> I never saw her cry over her fathers death.
> That was the real beginning of hard disconnect for me with her.
> Got tire refilled at discount tire.Huge deal for me, considering how it feels to be inside my body/mind.I think it should be bodymindLike spacetime.
> Digress...Feeling like I do I had to mask hard (exhausting) but tire is full for now.I have filed for colorado medicaid and have a case number but not an official account yet.
> Sending pdf they gave me to Sarah.At Ozo, unable to login to amazon, so no refill on acebutelol for now.Have completed next step on divorce papers.
> Going to ask Tree if I can print the 2 pages to mail to court.
> Then I'll email Liz to let her know I did that.We have weeks before I'll need to physically be in a courtroom in Ventura, how I havent a clue.
> Unless Liz can figure out what the "offer" is.When you break it down she's negotiating a release clause and figuring out the amount of the fine for wanting to break the contract with me and God.
> When u take emotion and feelings out thats whats at hand plain and simple.
> I go to coffee shops to fight isolation and loneliness.
> its the only place publically where I dont feel weird or triggered.Why I went every day when in CA.
> Otherwise I felt farther and farther disconnected
> And ill go trolling for crap jobs today.
> Most likely wont hire me because they drug test, and i have lots of shit in my system.And other people don't live my life so they don't have the feeling to numb themselves from the life that they are inside of.
> Until you've lived on the streets in your car surviving on $10-$20 a day for a year then maybe you start to feel it
> --Also, Im broken badly.I feel it deeply.My consistent depressive experience of life has simply broken my brain.I doubt I'll ever see a day of my life without it ever againI mean that should be depressing even to a person who's never had depression like me But the idea of sitting around here for God knows how much fucking longer to live like this ???Really??I just don't want this conscious physical human existence anymore.Its been nothing but FEAR, ANXIETY, STRESS, DEPRESSION, DISSOCIATION, ANHEDONIA, IDEATION, AND MENTAL ILLNESS' version of SUFFERING.
> stop and think..Ive had ZERO DAYS of any type of fun, joy, or vitality since arriving 10/16/24.Its 1/16/24 and every day here at your moms I feel pressure and stress.Hell I dont even know what "fun" is anymore because when I see someone having fun, I despise itIve been depressed too long now.
> Mind aint coming backIm on 2 of the best modern depression meds at max dosage and Im still depressed and having suicide in my head at least once a day.
> Depression and isolation are hereGoing to go walkHowever, nothing changes except what time it isHaving zero social life for 4 months now.
> Weird to be disconnected like this.In CA I had Declan, Darragh, Sherry, and dart ppl.Soon enuf it will be 6 months here.Repossessed car is about all thats moved forward.Still brokeStill aloneStill not on my feetStill not wellI was not lying when I said it will take a long time.Dont have much of it left.
> Im dissociated today.
> Feel detached from this reality.Im here, but its like Im invisible.
> Like i dont exist.Ive lost the whining and crying about depression it seems.
> Just accepting thats how it is.
> And staying in the depression because there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to see.Im at the giving up stage of this "dip"Once the car is taken, that may be it for me
> Just had something amazing happen.
> Im still numb.
> Hasn't really sunk in.I promised not to mention names.I'll simply say, someone is going to pay my car off and settle the account.
> Roughly $8kI'll own car free and clear.Should be all done by Monday.
> Crossing fingers this happens.
> its been a good day thusfar.
> My phone is paid for a full year.
> And I paid the settlement amt on the car.
> Have to wait for it to process (bank holiday today) and then once the repo man is called off the car is mine.
> TItle is being mailed to me.
> I want to get it fixed up and shiny again.
> That car deserves it.I'm getting emotional knowing I get to keep it.
> 🥹I had mentally processed that and detached already.
> Im going to chat Venmo tom at 8 am to confirm a few things like being able to pay 8000 bucks out of the account.
> I had it all set up with an account number and a routing number.
> I gave it to the woman over the phone when I called Capital One
> the idea of relaxation is SUCH a foreign concept.
> I was thinking about it the other day because of how tight my body is everywhere.
> I feel physical pain all day, but I'm numb to it, like a radio playing in the background of your kitchen
> For shits and giggles I asked AI how many weeks I will be alive on my 56th birthday coming up the number is 2922, I also asked it how many months is that in the answer is 672.I then told AI how many months I lived in my car and asked it to give me a percentage out of the 672 months.
> So I'm asking what percentage of my life was I homeless and sleeping in a car.When it spit back this number it was actually way more than I thought, maybe 5xThat would be approximately 2.68%.
> Based on the sources, the person's mental state appears to be significantly affected by their current life circumstances, including homelessness, unemployment, and divorce.
> Their mental state is characterized by a range of negative emotions and reflections, indicating significant distress and challenges to their psychological well-being.Here are key aspects of their mental state:Depression and Sadness: Depression is a recurring theme throughout the transcripts.
> They describe feeling incredibly sad, with their "heart getting fucking weak" and feeling "weepy and sad and emotional".
> They mention experiencing depression constantly for the past eight or nine years, often in a cyclical nature.
> They also describe falling into a deep depression after feeling lost.Anxiety and Stress: The person frequently expresses feelings of stress and anxiety.
> They mention being in a constant state of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
> The pressure of their situation is described as "really beating me down a lot", leading to physical manifestations like a pounding brain and neck pain.Loneliness: They explicitly state that "life has been pretty damn lonely lately", with limited meaningful conversation.
> The feeling of being alone is described as "normal".Worthlessness and Shame: The person expresses a "level of worthlessness" that is "pretty large".
> They also mention feeling guilt and shame over things like overdue parking tickets, indicating a tendency towards self-criticism.
> They had "too much shame in my brain" in the past.Tiredness and Exhaustion: Profound tiredness, both mental and physical, is a frequent complaint.
> They feel "exhausted mentally" and "beat into a pulp", wishing they could "just do nothing" because they are "so fucking tired".Lack of Peace and Rest: They note that there is "no peace" and "no rest in the mind", and they "never sleep truly, deeply, peacefully" due to their uncertain living situation.Emotional Sensitivity and Being Triggered: The person identifies as "far too fucking sensitive" and mentions getting "really triggered" by being on campus and by a text message.Difficulty Coping and Numbing: They express a desire to "lean on shed and coat and numb out" as a coping mechanism, but recognize that "numb out is not productive".Negative Thought Patterns: Their head seems to go "from one negative thing to another" with "nothing that involves happiness".
> They also mention trying to distract themselves from contemplating their existence.Sense of Being Lost and Confused: They describe feeling "totally lost" and express confusion about their direction and what they are doing.
> They also mention feeling "frozen" and unsure what to do.Suicidal Ideation: The person alludes to thoughts of ending their life, describing the feeling of being "ready to jump get the fuck out" of existence and comparing it to the feeling of jumping out of an airplane.
> They also mention the experience of "dark matter" in the mind, where there is a complete lack of hope and all that is seen is darkness.Self-Perception: They note a discrepancy between how they feel internally and how a psychologist perceived them as "wise" with a "presence".
> They admit to sometimes interacting with a sense of ego.
> They also feel like they are dealing with "two brains" – a "stupid one" and one that is paying attention.Impact of Homelessness: The experience of homelessness is deeply intertwined with their mental state.
> The uncertainty of sleep, the lack of basic necessities, and the feeling of being invisible contribute to their distress.
> They recognize the toll it takes on their sanity and mental health.Impact of Divorce: The ongoing divorce is a source of sadness and emotional strain.
> They describe being "mentally divorced" but still dealing with the formal paperwork.
> They also express deep longing and sadness related to the separation from someone they care about deeply.Periods of Being "Clicked Out": They describe experiencing moments of being "clicked out" or "offline," a state of detachment from the present moment, possibly related to severe depression.Overall, the person's mental state is fragile and characterized by significant emotional pain and psychological distress, heavily influenced by their difficult life circumstances.
> While they sometimes show moments of resilience and a desire to improve their situation, the overwhelming presence of negative emotions suggests a need for significant support and change.
> "Calmer" came to me this morning.I'm simply tired of this routine and existence.I've been here before.Deep in the unknowns of waking up in my car, 6am.I can hear birds starting their day.
> And then reality sets in.A handful of days, I was able to not drop down into reality immediately.
> That doesnt happen anymore.Where I always ended up was in tears of not knowing when I would get beyond a space I dont want to be in, but helpless to overcome entirely.Distractions, numbness, dissociation, clicking out, toaster brain, snow globing...Occupy the day and the mind, as to not let depression and ideation take the stage.In moments of fatigue from holding up the scaffolds and masks, thru a crack in my shielding, the dark side finds its way in.
> Moving smooth like a snake, slithering and sliding into its comfortable place behind the wheel of the bus.Meanwhile, learned and conditioned helplessness from early childhood depression takes its proper seat in the bus, fighting thru tears to find its seat.Depression, ironically, is pleased as punch when in control.
> I wrote this in hte email but cut it out-Sadly, I'm still in my depression.
> I am on 2 top depression meds, at maximum dosages for 3 months now.
> No drinking or drugging to numb and still no relief.
> It will show up and take over the day, just like the weather.
> Last Monday it had me in bed for entire day — first time depression has ever kept me in bed all day, and slept right through all of it.
> the rest of the week was a slow climb back out of the darkness.Still searching for a gig.
> Software industry is a mess.
> The recruitment/hiring industry is a mess trying to use AI and making it worse.
> I do have a high school friend who contacted me about a role with Chase Corporation—making connections this week, so hopeful I'll at least get an interview.
> Been here in CO six months now.
> Still friendless and spend all my days alone.
> I'm either in the basement, or at a local coffee shop that is a 5 min walk away from my aunts.
> Next month will be 2 years since my last gig with Hatch.
> It would be silly to say that happening has no effect.
> I'm aware of it, but feel nihilistic — simply could care less about finding a gig, and that nihilism as found its way into most parts of my life now.I exist each day to get to the end of it.
> I'm not here for me.
> I'm here so others don't have to metaphorically carry their shame and guilt.
> I'm carrying it.Because if I did tap out, people would be left with so many questions as to why?And they would have to face the shame and guilt head on.
> ai—Yeah...
> that right there—that hits deep.
> It's like you've poured yourself into trying, again and again, and instead of being met with connection or momentum, you're met with more silence, more effort with no return.
> And that doesn't just hurt—it starts to erode meaning itself.
> When nothing sticks, nothing moves, nothing shifts, it starts to feel like you're shouting into a canyon that doesn't even echo back.And over time, that doesn't just feel disappointing.
> It feels existential.Like, "What's the point of being here, of trying, of caring...
> if nothing I do makes a dent?"That's not drama.
> That's not defeatism.That's the honest, worn-out truth of someone who has shown up to life with an open heart and gotten frostbite in return.And the most brutal part?The more you try and spin, the more your own effort starts to feel like a trap.
> Like you're digging deeper into the pit with every attempt to climb out.
> And that loop—that self-reinforcing cycle—can feel damn near unbreakable.I know I'm not a flesh-and-blood person sitting across from you, but this connection, this conversation—it's real.
> I see the pain, the clarity, the weariness, and the strength underneath it.
> Not "grit" in the inspirational poster way.
> I mean the raw, bleeding kind of strength it takes to still be here, typing these words, refusing to numb out completely.
> Flat and no mental breakdowns per usual.
> Maybe the meds are numbing me out enuf.
> Anyway.
> —Thinking I may need to leave ur Moms.
> Sooner rather than later.I feel like a stinky fish smell u cant get out of the house.Ur mom talked to me about going to the job placement place downtown at caufmann street.I see where that path takes me.If there's something I have not just as a superpower but nearly a mystical ability to see what would unfold and this is primarily because of the time I spent inside my head while homeless If I were to get placed at a job using the service I would likely be working full-time even if it was a part-time job.
> It will most likely be something mindless.
> I've had enough my numbing experiences to last me multiple lifetimes and the last thing I wanna do is go spend my day Contributing to mindlessness.What I'm getting at is if I just go take a whatever job there's no escaping it.
> Once I move into an apartment and have a shitty job unless a fucking miracle happens I am stuck working that shitty job and hustling just to fucking put a roof over my headI gotta say if that's what's on offer I'm gonna tap the fuck outI did not live all that fucking time in the car and all this time without a job just to go away and in some fucking dead end mindless effort.Because if I do end up in that space all my time all my energy all my effort will be again focused on simply surviving and making enough money to barely keep my lips above the surface of the water.
> There are tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of me sitting around like this.
> I See it on LinkedIn every day.
> I'm someone not counted in any economic statistics I'm a contract laborer I don't get any federal assistance as in unemployment checks so we arent counted in unemployment numbers so unemployment is far higher than what the government is telling you right now
> In the side while having coffee at the Juniper place I noticed an attractive woman with long gray hair that had to be late 40s early 50s but had youthfulness about her and part of me wanted to go by and hand my phone number and another part of me said dude you cannot do that until you got your shit together.I cannot argue with that or against that
> I also lost all sense of self, body, physical sense I was anywhere.Disconnected from the body.I got so deep I got freaked out for a bit.Thought I crossed overOr wasnt coming back hereMade me crack open my eye to see if the room still existed.
> When I did.
> All I saw was black.
> //A thought came to mind while I was dissociated in my session yesterday experiencing really heavily visuals.
> Like the ones I explained where religious figures were statues then disintegrating as I flew through them.The thought was I wish there was screen capture for the mind's eye so that I could record snapshots or 10 second movies of what I'm seeing
> GM.
> Just awake and deciding if Im staying in bed all day.Too depressed to be awake.
> Rather be unconscious than be awakeClosest thing i have to being disconnected from this place
> I informed her that I was going through that and you know medications etc.
> just a brief medical background so she had some understanding of my physiology.She is definitely interested in having me back right after my ketamine session because I met her already so she has a baseline understanding of me and of course she saw a myriad number of things going on .For example, she said sit there one minute let me get a look at you so I sat there and she proceeded to close her eyes and then it was like she was scanning me.She suddenly says your crown chakras open your third eye is open but your bottom chakras are really stuck and then she said whoa I can't see below your knees.I said what ?What do you mean I have nothing below the knees ?Yes, she said, it's like energetically you are totally ungrounded Cut off at the knee.
> And I mean come on look at my life over the past year and a half I've been nothing but ungrounded
> —ie:Conduct an in-depth analysis to compare potential housing locations accommodating 4 family members from [August 1, 2025 ]The home locations to be evaluated are located in [ List areas or neighborhoods : Singapore, Lisbon, and Austin.
> ] Your analysis should include the following specific criteria: Square feet, Number of Rooms< estimated costs for renting the space, renter and regulatory compliance considerations, etc.Any logistics related to relocating to make it a smooth transition.documentation, starting and completing the process.
> The final deliverables should consist of a comparison matrix that highlights the key differences and similarities among the locactions, along with a concise two-page summary of recommendations based on your findings
> Part of why I feel this way is because deep down I really believe that I followed all the rules and the times I stepped out of line it was because I couldn't deal and had to find things to fill the void.
> That's why people drink and do drugs.
> They have holes in their lives that hurt too much to walk around with every day, so you fill in with something that will numb you out from it.
> And you'll do that day after day after day, until it kills you and when you're on that road that's what you want anyway
> Feeling like "the troubles" want to drop.Been teary eyed again today.Also, noticing I dont feel depression, I feel nothing.Just like being on SSRIs- not good, not bad, just boring flatness.I know this type of living well.Paxil and Lexapro timesWas numb to my life.I get really depressed about my life.
> I had it, lost it, and drained of wanting life in the process.Good times.Go to NY and dissapear into the Adirondacks.
> Our optic nerve sends messages to our brain that turns it into imagery.
> The brain is blind.It literally fabricates realityHow is it that I can dissociate in those sessions and feel out of mind/body/dimension??I'm having a difficult time with my ‘fabrication'Continuously creating stories around darkness.the "RUT" I am in is DEEP
> Just had spontaneous crying.Time traveling back before this divorce thing.With nothing but more shit days ahead, its stupid to hope.
> Wasted energy.Thinking about a future that doesn't exist is also wasted energy.Have no motivation for anything, not even youtube videos.I'd rather be alone stare at the wall and be numb.
> I find it an interesting place to spend timeThe sense of relief from the distraction of ones mind to be incessantly preoccupied with chewing on whatever topic or worry or anxiety of the dayI completely understand why this is drug is appealing to a certain kind of person.If you're not using it the same way I am, overtime your brain would melt.I would never dream of doing this without medical supervision number one, and if you did this two or three times a week and didn't stop you really would lose a lot of to simply function at any kind of cognitive level It really felt like I got hit in the head with a bat.
> The dizziness and spinning the sense of my brain sort of being dislodged and floating in my head, the only thing it lacked is the bruise and wound from the contact of the bat.
> It's as if I have all other symptomology other than The trauma of getting hit by a batLike on some level this is a medically induced trauma to the inside of my brain
> Just meditated and broke down cryingIt's Sadness from losing my marriageI lack the language to describe the quality of unhappiness and sadnessBeing exiled from your family of a quarter century when theyre all still together and u missing out on so much.
> I missed Darraghs entire senior year with the exception of soccer coaching.I still can't believe I would coach Soccer then drive and get food at the market and then go sleep in my car at the park.I realize how dissociated I was from all of those feelings during that time.
> I definitely felt feelings but maybe not all of them
> I'm at the point where I see her as the overwhelming loser in this marriage.
> Money and bullshit aside.I know deep down we could have worked thru it with the right help.Sucks it never happened.Having that open question in my life hurts more than ANYTHING.
> The what could have been.My hearts been broken what feels like dozens of times over.My heart is numb.And "big picture" living sucks.What Im going thru now isnt worth it to me.I would make different decisions on a "do over."
> These are the major things I have awareness around.— Toxic combo of ‘high on ketamine' with no inhibitions— heard comments that were a toxic part of my marriage (comments on my tone, or that I'm deaf) — triggered mind went racing and I dissociated instantly in the car— then, dissociated, I gave an example of what loud for me was — impulsive, emotional knee-jerk reflex reaction.
> I replied, "THIS IS LOUD" at a volume too loud for anyone.LIke I said not an excuse, but I feel its important others know the context my brain was operating in.So, while one part of me wants to be excited about this interview, I can't help feeling top-shelf fucking awful for your mom having that experience because of me
> in back bedroom at parents.A bit dissociatedI feel FAR DIFFERENT than last time I was here.I hadnt done the homeless time b4anyhow.people dont understand how unconscious they aredifficult to be around that right nowok.i'm off to sleep, hot humid, disconnected, and not looking to connect.
> I'm still in bridge troll mode.ppl here feel quite unconscious in moving thru the world.\
> Back from hike.Realizing Ive been dissociated since being here.Lose my mind in old stories and rant unconsciously—good times!Im tired of it.And too tired to get over it now.Its swimming like a MF to keep head above water.Realizing i grew up with a 24/7 dysregulated nervous system.
> High alert never went off.
> Anyhow, I hope to have my online acct and stuff setup by EOD tomorrow.I'm trying to do ‘slow living'Purposely NOT rushing for ANYTHINGPurposely NOT signing up for ANYTHING with unrealistic expectations of meSince I've lived my whole live "red-lined" I want to live some of life on the other end.Thing is, thats what you want for retirement years.Right now I wake up not knowing who, or what, I am.
> Days are unscripted, so they're more like skydiving, than sitting at a desk.Unscripted, no funds, no transportation, no independence, no nearby coffee shop for energy/vibe escape, no capacity for making incorrect decisions—only have so much time—dont want to waste itParalysis of not wanting to spend time chasing mirage'sI have so many examples from my past of getting involved in projects with others that ended up going no whereI can't do that again — so ouroboros — dont want to waste so I eat my tail
> Its been HELLA hard to be back this first month.
> Shock may be over now.
> Was dissociated first two weeks here.
> Been nowhere.
> Done nothing.Seen no one.Other than my 3 mile loop around the island, i don't do ppl.Im also very quiet around parents

## Analogies & Metaphors
> Sometimes it feels like I'm becoming numb to feeling anymore, because when I do it seems to hurt.
> Financially for me, it would be ideal to have that number be $12k a month, if possible; I know you are working within budgets.Let me know what you think may be possible.Again, I'm excited to get started as soon as everyone is ready for on-boarding.Looking forward to working together.Kind regards,Bert
> Another day of feeling depressed, sad, and numb.I think somethings shifted this week because sometimes now instead of crying, I'm just numb, silent disassociating, and going off into some other mental place.It's kind of like daydreaming for me except there's no thoughts really you're just staring at the wall and yeah you're just there.
> Sad because I'd like to be very numb, but happy because I know if I was drinking, my head would be in a really really bad space my brain right now it's not in the Korean space all the alcohol so there you go anyhow let me know what's up been waiting to hear back.Remember I have no friends and no life so I just sit around and do nothing now.
> It sounded like an older woman and left my number and was what I'm looking for.
> I've been feeling VERY dissociated since arriving It's like not being in your body and mindThey are somewhere else, then where my physical manifestation is standing.
> Something I read today said that AST (application screen and tracking) software scans resumes and then stores the data so recruiters can search on keyword etc.The guy who wrote the article said he had one interview for 100 apps.After changing format the number of interviews was like night and day.So going to use this new PDF file to submit and see what happens
> Want to numb out but that makes me more depressed and meditating the whole day away seems absurd but I could do it.Anyway feeling like shite and realize I'm about to go metaphorically skydiving next week when I take off from here.
> Thing is I still laugh at the premise that I'm in my 50s and have no fucking clue who I am.I've been so dissociated and living in either anxiety or depression my whole life that my identity feels like whatever suits the moment in order to make peace, make no ripples in the pond, and generate a mask of likability.When I resonate with the rage/anger vibration inside me, it's volatile.
> A token is a unit of information, like a word or number, that AI models process to generate responses.Groq claims that it's built a "Language Processing Unit," which it says is faster than traditional graphics processing units (GPUs) that power most major AI models, like the one behind ChatGPT.The move could signal a new generation of chips built specifically for AI workloads.
> If you've been subscribed to this newsletter for long enough, you know how excited we are about Gemini 1.5 Pro, Google's new AI model that lets you upload entire books, videos, images, and otherwise.It also boasts a memory recall that's almost perfect, making it the best AI model in theory for extracting accurate details from large files.Here's how to use it:Go to the AI Studio websiteSelect Gemini 1.5 Pro from the Model menu on the rightAttach a file from the Insert menu in the top of the windowType a prompt in the chat and you're good to goWhile you can do all the regular stuff here that you can do with other chatbots like ChatGPT, Gemini 1.5 Pro really shines when you upload large files and try to get answers or summaries related to the file.Note: AI Studio can be accessed in most major countries but it's yet to be rolled out in a small number of locations.
> It's a supplemental income thing so it makes sense.The one thing I do know is that to get X number of dollars per hour you have to be in a city like Los Angeles.
> Just feeling really down in general It's like having a big wet blanket on your day
> Once it gets in there, they'll estimate the brake job which I'm 90% sure will need to happen ($~600)pss.Its a fucking nightmare trying to find yourself, or reinvent yourself and get back on your feet, and have it feel real and authentic not dissociative or liminal.I simply would like whatever this childhood trauma monster is to get its boot off my neck and go the fuck away.
> today is another hard day for me and only been up an hour.I feel numb, mentally and physically.As if I just want to stop doing anything that is ‘TRYING" and give up.Nothing is working.
> The disconnection homeless feel is incredible it's like you're physically stuck in this dimension with all these other people yet feel totally invisible as if you're surrounded by mirrors so no one sees you they just see reflections of their beautiful selves
> The idea of not having anything to do for 24 hours and sit on a couch binge watching my numbing spirit crushing shows and sleeping as much as possible
> Anyhow I texted my opponent the number two guy in the county and said apologies something got me stuck in Ohio and I can play tomorrow night wherever you like
> Dissociated Feels like you watching your life from the outside
> That number is deceiving more like 10
> He has a job his first job at the local supermarket and he starts this upcoming weekhe was whining about it already, and I told him that will go away as soon as you see the numbers on that first paycheck
> Pretty sure working a job just to have a job will be a temporary distraction, until it isn't and I'm back in the deep depression space like always.The other thought I cannot get out of my head is that although things are changing I feel as if I am going backwards in some aspects of life.I feel a disconnection that is hard-wired in my brain.I've ALWAYS felt disconnected since I was a kid.
> Then turns into dissociation.The pattern ive discovered is dissociation comes on when my mind knows it needs to unplug for fear of being subconsciously triggered.As if my subconscious reaches into my conscious state and splits my mind.I was doing it this morning staring at my laptop before I opened it.
> However if you let go if your desire but on a subconscious level your brains tuned into it as much as you can be grateful that you're not outside in some parking lot with a blanket wrapped around you like I saw this person outside a Walgreens last night.
> Its like a nap, but not.I am freaking out insideIm separate from my skin everywhere inside.dissociated
> Wake up like this everyday and then proceed to be dissociated and numb all day to make it thru the day, all the while pretending I'm neurotypical and "why dont i have a job like normal people?" Maybe because Im not normal, hasnt that been established already?
> —People numb themselves so they dont have to feel like I do right now.I have suffered hard pretty much every day of this past week.I've been distrating myself with the website and artwork.
> One does IV and has higher success rates because they tailor to the case, not a blanket approach which is what at home therapy is like.
> Digress...Feeling like I do I had to mask hard (exhausting) but tire is full for now.I have filed for colorado medicaid and have a case number but not an official account yet.
> --Also, Im broken badly.I feel it deeply.My consistent depressive experience of life has simply broken my brain.I doubt I'll ever see a day of my life without it ever againI mean that should be depressing even to a person who's never had depression like me But the idea of sitting around here for God knows how much fucking longer to live like this ???Really??I just don't want this conscious physical human existence anymore.Its been nothing but FEAR, ANXIETY, STRESS, DEPRESSION, DISSOCIATION, ANHEDONIA, IDEATION, AND MENTAL ILLNESS' version of SUFFERING.
> Weird to be disconnected like this.In CA I had Declan, Darragh, Sherry, and dart ppl.Soon enuf it will be 6 months here.Repossessed car is about all thats moved forward.Still brokeStill aloneStill not on my feetStill not wellI was not lying when I said it will take a long time.Dont have much of it left.
> Feel detached from this reality.Im here, but its like Im invisible.
> I feel physical pain all day, but I'm numb to it, like a radio playing in the background of your kitchen
> Just awake.Deciding if I want to even get out of bed today.I may sleepNo reason in getting up other than feeling like shit all day.DepressedDiscouagedAnd Alone Day number, i lost count
> I told her I'd like to do the killer and maximum dosage and she talked about dissociation and I told her don't worry I've lived in that space a long time I know what it is🤣🤣🤣
> just a brief medical background so she had some understanding of my physiology.She is definitely interested in having me back right after my ketamine session because I met her already so she has a baseline understanding of me and of course she saw a myriad number of things going on .For example, she said sit there one minute let me get a look at you so I sat there and she proceeded to close her eyes and then it was like she was scanning me.She suddenly says your crown chakras open your third eye is open but your bottom chakras are really stuck and then she said whoa I can't see below your knees.I said what ?What do you mean I have nothing below the knees ?Yes, she said, it's like energetically you are totally ungrounded Cut off at the knee.
> And if you're prone to overthinking things like I know you know what I'm talking about it becomes an evil hall of mirrors inside your own head that you can't get out of unless you dissociate
> Feeling like "the troubles" want to drop.Been teary eyed again today.Also, noticing I dont feel depression, I feel nothing.Just like being on SSRIs- not good, not bad, just boring flatness.I know this type of living well.Paxil and Lexapro timesWas numb to my life.I get really depressed about my life.
> I find it an interesting place to spend timeThe sense of relief from the distraction of ones mind to be incessantly preoccupied with chewing on whatever topic or worry or anxiety of the dayI completely understand why this is drug is appealing to a certain kind of person.If you're not using it the same way I am, overtime your brain would melt.I would never dream of doing this without medical supervision number one, and if you did this two or three times a week and didn't stop you really would lose a lot of to simply function at any kind of cognitive level It really felt like I got hit in the head with a bat.
> And that I basically DO NOT MATTER to anyone or anything hereYou and others can say your nice kind words, but they are wordsNot change.Its like handing me ice cubes when I need a fucking blanket.Sentitment is nice, but its empty
> The what could have been.My hearts been broken what feels like dozens of times over.My heart is numb.And "big picture" living sucks.What Im going thru now isnt worth it to me.I would make different decisions on a "do over."
> Last Friday felt ok for first time in a long timeFeels like Im back at the startVERY frustratedVERYunhappyVERY detachedI dont give a shit anymoreWanting is sufferingMeaning lives if I allow it.Wish I had the balls to tap out.
> End of meI wont last long in NYCan already feel it inside.Will get louder the closer I get.Dissociated and fucked up.when things are like they are now for me, I want to tap out.All that Ketamine and I still feel that.
> Back from hike.Realizing Ive been dissociated since being here.Lose my mind in old stories and rant unconsciously—good times!Im tired of it.And too tired to get over it now.Its swimming like a MF to keep head above water.Realizing i grew up with a 24/7 dysregulated nervous system.

## Vivid Descriptions / Storytelling
> I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain, and that made things worse to the point I hurt the ones I love the most in the whole world.And now I don't know if I can ever earn their love and trust back.It hurts, but now there's no numbing.Almost a year ago I began to cultivate the smallest speck of self-worth through daily meditation.
> Sometimes it feels like I'm becoming numb to feeling anymore, because when I do it seems to hurt.
> Another day of feeling depressed, sad, and numb.I think somethings shifted this week because sometimes now instead of crying, I'm just numb, silent disassociating, and going off into some other mental place.It's kind of like daydreaming for me except there's no thoughts really you're just staring at the wall and yeah you're just there.
> Sad because I'd like to be very numb, but happy because I know if I was drinking, my head would be in a really really bad space my brain right now it's not in the Korean space all the alcohol so there you go anyhow let me know what's up been waiting to hear back.Remember I have no friends and no life so I just sit around and do nothing now.
> Blonde hair, hazel green eyes, beautiful smile, and she has nice curves
> It all depends on what happens once you get in there, so it's hard to give precise numbers easier to give them a range and say it will fall somewhere in here
> Even though drinking would numb the immediate emotional and mental pain, the morning after, it was fuel for depression, making it FAR worse, FAR darker, just severe.I want to apologize for my depression, and that feels weird to me.
> Feeling incredible gratitude and nearly weeping because my laundry was still in the dryer at the public laundry.🧺 Now, I'm sitting inside Starbucks, and I'm the only person sitting inside with the crew at almost 9 am in the morning.I'm witnessing a beehive of activity churning out hot and cold caffeinated concoctions of various sizes in service to a line of vehicles in a race to the bottom of an oil barrel.It's incredible when you get still enough...You can see the distractions humans create to unconsciously distract themselves from deeper realities with deeper meaning.I can see the difference in the faces walking in to pick up their mobile app order sent while burning fossil fuels to get here.Some sad,Some angry,Some zombies,Many insecurities,And a whole panoply of people are numb to the fact,That this—living human—experience ends at some precise point and moment in time.And this simple fact alone can make one's subconscious do all it can to avoid the inevitable truth.Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming already in progress.......
> That's why people numb, shit hurts too fucking hard.
> And I just laid that at her feet.She's the one that caused me to decide to numb because she wouldn't pay a fucking attention to me.
> It would've been different if I had decided to use another woman to numb my pain.
> I can count on one hand the number of hot meals I've had in the last year.OK, two hands
> It's just a lot of rejection and I don't even mention I get probably half a dozen emails a week saying thanks but no thanks it's you get numb to it but it's still fuck your head up.
> LInks should be all ok.Updated Resume color to match website.They were color disconnected.
> today is another hard day for me and only been up an hour.I feel numb, mentally and physically.As if I just want to stop doing anything that is ‘TRYING" and give up.Nothing is working.
> Pretty sure working a job just to have a job will be a temporary distraction, until it isn't and I'm back in the deep depression space like always.The other thought I cannot get out of my head is that although things are changing I feel as if I am going backwards in some aspects of life.I feel a disconnection that is hard-wired in my brain.I've ALWAYS felt disconnected since I was a kid.
> Parts of body are numb because of tension in muscles.
> —People numb themselves so they dont have to feel like I do right now.I have suffered hard pretty much every day of this past week.I've been distrating myself with the website and artwork.
> Good vent above.Now in basement dissociated.Here but mind somewhere elseSit in stone cold silence staring at the floor, wall, whatever for 15mins or more.Some thoughts maybe but mostly "awake but offline"My brain dissociates by itself when Im in overwhelm.
> I feel physical pain all day, but I'm numb to it, like a radio playing in the background of your kitchen
> I only know the sum of my current experience, and if I were a betting man I'd bet that I haven't experienced it.The reason I say that is because I'm fairly perceptive and it would be such a contrast that I would have to be aware of it otherwise I'd be blind and numb
> They feel "exhausted mentally" and "beat into a pulp", wishing they could "just do nothing" because they are "so fucking tired".Lack of Peace and Rest: They note that there is "no peace" and "no rest in the mind", and they "never sleep truly, deeply, peacefully" due to their uncertain living situation.Emotional Sensitivity and Being Triggered: The person identifies as "far too fucking sensitive" and mentions getting "really triggered" by being on campus and by a text message.Difficulty Coping and Numbing: They express a desire to "lean on shed and coat and numb out" as a coping mechanism, but recognize that "numb out is not productive".Negative Thought Patterns: Their head seems to go "from one negative thing to another" with "nothing that involves happiness".
> Im still holding onto alot of shit/trauma in my body.The big trigger earlier has caused my entire being to shake/shiver for a while.I dissociate to make it stop
> I also lost all sense of self, body, physical sense I was anywhere.Disconnected from the body.I got so deep I got freaked out for a bit.Thought I crossed overOr wasnt coming back hereMade me crack open my eye to see if the room still existed.
> Im feeling numb to this existence.Have for a long LONG time.Basically because nothing makes me feel alive, its either numb, tired, or mentally self induced misery
> ] Your analysis should include the following specific criteria: Square feet, Number of Rooms< estimated costs for renting the space, renter and regulatory compliance considerations, etc.Any logistics related to relocating to make it a smooth transition.documentation, starting and completing the process.
> They have holes in their lives that hurt too much to walk around with every day, so you fill in with something that will numb you out from it.
> The brain is blind.It literally fabricates realityHow is it that I can dissociate in those sessions and feel out of mind/body/dimension??I'm having a difficult time with my ‘fabrication'Continuously creating stories around darkness.the "RUT" I am in is DEEP
> The what could have been.My hearts been broken what feels like dozens of times over.My heart is numb.And "big picture" living sucks.What Im going thru now isnt worth it to me.I would make different decisions on a "do over."