# Anger & Frustration

*Motifs: not, she, all, fucking, angry, know*

## Quotations
> Made myself cry.
> the drought has really made it so much worse
> I then find myself being pissed at me because I'm now stuck in a 36/mo lease 😟
> morning vitamins, stretch/excercise, reading, meditation, made coffee
> I saw something and it made me think about feelings of failure—work, parenting, spouse.
> Had a dream that made me relive time from 4 years ago when I was deeply depressed and not able to be a good dad
> I made the Super Bowl a line in the sand for me with some self care issues.
> Can Inuit Moms Help Me Tame My 3-Year-Old's Anger?
> Darragh‘s team made it to the final game and lost 10.
> I'm mad at myself for not doing things 10-15 years ago that could have made a difference on where I find myself now.
> I can see how I'm so pissed at myself
> It literally brings me to tears I get so frustrated beating the same drum again and again in my mind.
> I've made a little bit of progress in unpacking what I am afraid of
> Im upsetting and frustrating people I love around me
> Made me pause big time
> I woke up this morning completely angry.
> Just woke up angry.
> Emotions are really powerful, and I don't wanna feel angry.
> And now I'm mad at myself for being angry about the things I'm pissed off about, because they seem petty.
> Darragh has told me to my face, "you always seem mad at me." and I explained to him that I get annoyed with things, but not him specifically.
> But he still perceives it as ‘angry at him' Everytime it comes up I cringe that I'm ruining my relationship with him like Aidan.
> Darren Daily on Overwhelm made me cry.
> Made me emotional when I first saw it—I'm feeling incredibly fragile and emotional.
> Made me think of Newhart
> He was incredibly cute with his mom and it made me incredibly nostalgic for my time with all my boys when they were that little.
> Made me want to go back in time.
> they can be frustrating, and not do what you ask when you ask, and life can distract you from how incredible little kids are.
> And today I've made and commitment to myself to spend at least one hour a night going through that stuff I put off perpetually
> Darren said it today, if you're tired and burned out frustrated etc.
> I made up for you
> Just got word Declan made JV soccer at the public school.
> I saw a woman with her small child and made me reflect back to me with the boys.
> Again sorry for the loss.A 20-year-old cat just made me think of our old cat in New York named Jesse.
> At what time does it all turn to Mad Max?
> Made me realize that for intake type of appts (meeting doc for first time) it makes sense to meet on vid call.
> https://blog.prototypr.io/how-i-made-over-33-000-on-the-figma-plugin-without-writing-a-single-line-of-code-9a5ca50f2cc8
> made updates to the website.
> Made it!
> Angry, frustrated, and sad.
> she did like it — made me happy.
> checking in on the changes I made.
> I think the sales people were frustrated with me, primarily because I was going through depression and unable to keep up.
> Also I made a connection to a coach based in London who specializes in quiet borderline personality disorder.
> I listened to something this morning that crushed me—made me feel incredibly sad, like a gut punch, but I needed to hear it.
> Metal, so hard on the ears, but man he matches the rage in the vids.
> Unfortunately neither of their teams made playoffs so seasons ended last weekend.
> Reminding me that I made mistake and atone for it, don't feel like I have
> That she's still completely pissed off at me.
> In fact ive been made to feel that way more than once since being here
> I just 🤯🤬 my dad got pissy with me.Totally mental dump of word salad and rage in his face.Anyhow...
> Made no sense, word salad rage 😡
> (saying/thinking of that in the moment nearly made me cry, and as I write this I do)
> Made excellent progress past few days, its getting close.
> made good progress today.
> I saw 👀 your message today and it made me smile 😊 So cool 😎 to see you all.
> Rang a bell inside my head..."Realise that you are only resentful to the extent that you have given away your personal power.
> The antidote to resentment is acceptance."
> It made me pause and remember what I hold most dear to me, and how I failed to uphold my vows.
> I was staring at the root of a story that has gripped me my whole life; you aren't good enough, you don't measure up.I wasn't feeling my body, I was beyond physical form and everything made sense.
> And later I realize that was quite a story I made up 🙂
> Do you have an elegant themes login?I know they have pre made divi themes I could base it off of, will save a lot of time
> Made more progress today
> This tune by Gnod packs great rage that's cathartic for the moment.Besides the album title is fucking ART of the highest order.If I get it on a t-shirt.Want one?
> made a bit of progress
> I still feel the mad mind around her every time I see her.
> Just had a small interpersonal interaction with LizJust feeling the dark side of her.Little to know words, and flat.She seems extremely tired and burnt out or mad and keeps a lid on it.
> made it 1024x1024 which is still gigantic
> I made mental notes.
> Also, liz just got back from the banquet in a sour mood, went upstairs and changed, and then took the dog out seeming VERY pissed about something.
> Just want to go away and disappear.Professionally it's frustrating but part of process.
> Like art critiques, They can be frustrating but are a necessary part of the process
> Liked "Deposit made"
> And that is certainly something that would've sent me off into clear anxiety and frustration before
> That's why I mentioned I wasn't mad or anything, because I am very surprised at how I feel after hearing all that
> but I was aware of the difference, that's what made me go WOW
> Just heard back from Amazon, and made it to the next round of interviews.I present 2-3 case studies of my work with a UX Designer from Amazon to assess my functional skills.Truly surprised
> There is a rage inside that is killing me
> Feels like dragging yourself thru everyday just to get to the end and collapse mentally and physically.It's made me very jaded and cynical and I hate that
> I'm so angry with myself for all of this.
> It's my reminder every night that I made a mistake and I'm going to be reminded of this the remainder of my days alive.
> It made it more intense
> She said I made her scared a lot and that she has no trust.
> But I'm made to feel that my perspective, doesn't matter
> I feel I'm being made to feel like everything is my fucking fault
> That being said the conversation today made me throw everything into doubt
> She seemed very much of my mind has been made up
> Everybody pretty much avoided me which made me go deeper into myself in buying the more of my depressed lying inside my head
> Her mind is made up and as she said, "there's no going back"
> I think I made a huge mistake giving her all the room and space.
> I feel hostility and anger at times
> I was definitely not blacked out.I asked her when did she feel I was threatening to her.She said many times I would be drinking and angry or yelling.
> She says she has a good life but the idea of finding someone seems like it will never happen.The comments in the thread made me incredibly sad.
> She feared me for the rage, anger, and dark depression that was overflowing out of me regardless of the masking I tried.She feared for herself and the boys.
> I made a vow through good times and bad.
> this part: I would like the compensation to be $12,000.00 per month with payments made on the 10th and 25th of each month via direct payment or ACH.
> I want payments made via direct payment or ACH, and I can provide those details for you.I am excited to begin working with you and the entire team at Hatch.
> Of course I was depressed and that made me feel more isolated.Meanwhile I was spiraling into my depression deeper and deeper because I was feeling the ultimate rejection from my wife.
> i'll prod — why angry?
> I likely just made some interactions easier for you + the fam.
> This is the 5th try from the ground up.Each time I've run into issues — been frustrating, and an enormous time eater.
> Anyhow, I find myself on the edge of anger this morning
> Made local paper 😛
> Therapy long ago would have made us way stronger.
> Plus, we could fly to the continent for champions league games and go see Real Madrid Barcelona go see Bayern Munich, Borussia, Dortmund.
> I remember her seeming far more pissed off when I came back from Colorado, and before I left for New York.
> It pissed her off so much that she pointed at the door and said leave the room right now.
> Liked "Right now she is angry with you and probably herse..."
> But I didn't drive my car in the other people because I was angry with them that's what a nut job would do.
> She was feeling the energy of my frustration.
> I had completely lost my ability to communicate pretty much anything with Liz because the energy of my severe depression and rejection frustration was palpable—it terrified her.
> So I have made mistakes.
> I have the $$ to buy the pre made meals delivered.And going to learn how to get my body into ketosis by using fasting.
> There is still anger and other things that are making her put a wall up between us.
> So fucking hurt and angry.
> SO ANGRY!I ALWAYS did right by her, ALWAYS!!!!!!!And this is what I get.
> I shared my plan and today I am a combination of angry, upset, sad, I'm all mixed up.
> Lots of resentment bubbling up
> The anger I feel, and rage is pretty large, I just feel so hard done by this.
> Everybody is telling me she made a decision and you have to honor it.
> I have every right to happiness that anybody else does and I don't want a divorceI am being made to feel that my opinion doesn't matter, I am being told that I don't matter.
> I had a dad who tried to controll people through guilt, shame and anger (perhaps you did too?) and tried to keep people close to him that way.
> I've found it never works and only drives people further away...cauing more anguish and anger.
> It's a terrible cycle and I don't want to see you go down that road...a road that ultimately leads to resentment and (sometimes) vindictiveness.
> You don't deserve to be resentful or ever become vindictive (that's a dark place).
> I just feel like I wake up, confused, angry and bitter every day until I can call myself down
> I made my colleague laugh hard today at that one
> Then covid made everything worse and more amplified.
> As Madge used to say "You're soaking in it!"
> Logically how can one be taking anything when a decision was made by the other to allow it?
> I was emotionally fucking ignored for years so I have a reason to be pissed.
> I'M REALLY REALLY ANGRY BUT NOT SHURE AT WHAT or at who
> However, it turns out its my behavior towards Liz that made her go.
> Just so fucking angry because none of this should be happening
> I can be as angry about it as I want
> I'm mad at myself.Feeling this experience is evidence of my father's persistent refrain, "you're not good enough," and making it a prophetic implant that my subconscious made true.
> So angry
> Not my father type of angry
> rageful
> It's part of the angry voice, talking back at me going you're just a fuck up, who the fuck do you think you are to be doing what you do or to be alive frankly
> She just saw me in major depressive disorder being massively triggered because she's pushing me away at a time I want to be close.But I was repulsive because of my anger.
> I'm the fucking asshole who hurt Liz and made the divorce happen, remember
> She also made assumptions about what I was thinking/feeling and I barged right in and said, YOU KNOW NOTHING about that because you NEVER asked me.
> Never made my father happy
> With my recent return of depression and suicidal ideation it interestingly made the experience both thrilling and weirdly disappointed
> Yeah, made me wonder what about what I was sharing was so powerful to move her to tears?
> Angry
> I'm going to check the fuck out.I have made up my mind.
> Just made it to semifinals out of 16 teams.
> Ironic she's divorcing me for me "anger" when she really has yet to see me angry towards HER.
> I have classic quiet type borderline personality disorder.What that means is I have a lot of anger that is directed at myself.
> I was just expressing my frustration with my situation.Today's the first day I felt truly terrified for where I'm headed
> "Listen, I know this is hard, but she seems to have made a hard decision.
> That's how I'm made to feel
> Shared idea that Liz is making this all about her.This isn't about her, it's about us, about family.She made a decision about us and about the family without talking to either.
> She was really pissed through text and I could tell.
> Emailed you invites to 2 of the fear/resentment exercises I did from CrappyFairy.
> I'm not mad, it's business.
> Just home from touring apartmentsHad an appointment I made before losing the gig and kept it.
> Made me think of that
> also, made layout update, but no content update on the resume.
> I rebuilt the structure of my PDF document, consolidated style tags, and now tagging content so when its made into PDF and displayed online the content will flow how I say.
> Need to check it out.Liz just walked in and dumped word salad and anger at me.
> So much anger
> I'm just angry and frustrated today.
> Just made my reservation for arches tomorrow at 3 o'clock figure I get in get a campground spot, pitch my tent and then go over
> I'm a bit crazy because I just made it through the longest stretch with no charging through the greatest elevation game so far.
> I made it and I'm charging.
> Made it to camp ⛺️ Stoked
> Some kind of pissed makes me not wanna fucking go back there.
> I did pick up pre made margaitas in a bottle and a red wine for the beef
> Made reservation
> Just made it to trail head
> Watching this made me a bit more freaked about AI
> I'm going to leave this experience and existence frustrated that I could have been more and done more
> Upwork doesn't work for me.Never got one project from the site and I can do ALOT of what's being sought.Just frustrated coming up on 5 months of searching and nothing.
> It's frustration
> I also realize that I am gripping with white knuckles onto an expectation in my mind that isn't happening thereby frustration
> Made me begin to think about it.
> I'll be fine tomorrow morning, but I get to sit inside tonight pissed off because I didn't say no and not go to the thing
> I made a promise to my kid, and if I sat here and let soccer season go by, that would haunt me the rest of my life.
> Car payment made.
> They made a note in my file that I called today they read me everything back.
> Anxiety made it hard to be truly present
> Makes me so fucking mad.
> NEVER made time for me consistently.
> Made it through a rainy night, and the clouds are clearing out a bit this morning
> Not love, not hate, not anger, just a void.
> It was just made abundantly clear to me, that I don't have a family, rather, I have two boys living with their mother.
> Borrowed $300 from my dad last Friday to get me to this Friday and Capital One took $123 today and made it negative 😡🤬😡😤🤬😖
> I find myself very fucking angry this time of year and I think it may stick and be my new version of the holiday spirit."Humbug!
> Just made a good connect with a recruiter on a long term contract role.
> Shared a link to a notion page where I made tables to work with the data, etc.
> My frustration builds and they pops
> Hey there I'll be okI'm just so fucking angry
> I'm negative.I made good progress on job search front yesterday—connected to new recruiter.
> Made that list into a daily framework template
> Less frustrating too
> That thing made me laugh out loud many times
> Liked "Comments made on cover letter"
> It hurts too much and he gave me my mail and then he hugged me really hard and made me cry more.
> I would simply say I saw this this morning, and it made me think of you and us
> Sorry for the frustrations
> Eating, shopping 4 food, recharging car.Made $75 during lunch
> This is the part of the work that would take me FOREVER and cause me SO MUCH FRUSTRATION
> I designed her a card made it myself.
> All good hereJust minor frustrations
> And thank you for your words and help.Its made a difference.
> I made 84 actually maybe 100 bucks in the past couple days.
> It adds to frustration and stress significantly because my critic uses it as a weapon against me to point out how I have failed persistently through my life.
> Really angry and depressed right now simultaneously and when I'm like this, it's a good thing I don't have a gun cause I would just go fucking bananas
> Also, I went to Westridge to get a freshly made gluten-free pizza for dinner and they were out of gluten-free dough.So it's turkey, cheese and maybe some chips with my beer tonight alone.
> Find myself Fed up, Angry, Depressessed and a new clarity that multiple parts of my personality are frozen in time from the past.
> So angry right now
> This was made for you:
> The madness in photo form
> So fucking angry right now and I have no fucking outlet.
> I'm so pissed like fucking eat.
> I'm also pissed at speech to text because it sucks balls and never gets anything right
> I had two hours to make money and I made six bucks.
> I've just had a frustrating afternoon on top of my regular frustration
> Liz has made every fucking decision about this.
> And when nobody gets you, it's frustrating.
> Frustrated.DoorDashing and getting no orders.
> Last night I was lucky and barely made enough to put 10 bucks on my car charging card and was able to get enough battery to get to Darts and back.
> Better off goneNo more frustration and mental suffering from a life I was forced into
> I made $9, but had a $1 in the account so I could transfer.I transferred the money and was able to charge.
> Have made $0
> I'm certainly not healthy and not clean and my body has the welcome mad out for something.
> ie, made $50 for 2hrs once
> I made good progress today.
> frustrated with just about everything
> So pissed.
> What a frustrating fucking day.
> Yeah, great meanwhile I have to text my dart team and they'll be pissed.
> I'm just pissed because it's the one thing I do that takes my mind off of my bullshit and I can't do it so I get to stew in my fucking head all night
> I'm just angry, so fucking angry
> I'm angry.
> I'm super pissed that I couldn't make any money because I ordered some stuff from the dispensary and was going to pick it up today before DartsFuck
> Have you made it to the front range or are you stationary?
> I did OK I made 30 bucks.
> He literally said you never made any money and literally 30 seconds later he saying something entirely different and I said wait a minute you just told me you just said it literally look at that.
> You never made any money like my working life.
> Last night at dinner, Darragh shared something with me that made me realize he's going off and getting a father figure to step in for him so there's that too
> Somehow made to feel that one needs to move ON and LET GO.
> Just so fucking angry that Elizabeth abandoned me
> It's made me feel very old and worthless.
> I'm just so angry and I will be angry forever about this.
> And that makes me even more angry
> I was smoking a shit ton of pot to numb myself because my wife fucking made me feel invisible.
> Taking a vow of marriage is a solemn promise and to abandon that is to abandoned person you made that promise to.
> That usually determines the size of the pot.This past couple weeks I've made a couple of adjustments to my approach and my hold and my release.
> I can't get over the fact that Liz honored nothing she said to meHer vowsHer ask for space and time then talkI can't accept this when I don't understand why.She made no effort to make it work.
> And I made some progress on the setup of the GroupX site
> Made lots of spacing and slight animation tweaks.
> His criticism was sharp and to the point — you'll never make money doing art, you'll be broke.And weirdly in this moment I realize that I made that dream of his come true.
> I'm just angry and fed up being in prison
> Once I did I laughed out loud because this is true for me 24/7.At times, people with the INTJ personality type may wonder whether dealing with other people is even worth the frustration.
> I did three of them today and was available for maybe eight hours and I think I made $30 in deliveries for eight hours.
> Discovered today that minimum wage is only for some cities so I made $6 hour last week for 25 hours of dashing last week Have 150 in acct and I'm scheduled to dash today tomorrow every day forward.
> So mad ashamed pissed off
> Then you get mad at yourself for worrying about it.
> Made some progress yesterday and want to keep that going.
> Interesting being in Starbucks before the madness ensues
> Emphasized "Yes - the made an offer.
> You have no idea which way is up which way to goI just sent Liz a text about some thing I learned with regard to Darragh and it really pissed me off.
> Is anyone in this situation has a right to be pissed off at this point in time and has an absolute right to scream it to the fucking hills it is me and guess what kids it's showtime
> The root of frustration, dismay, and dissatisfaction, is expectation.Remove it by practicing acceptance.
> The thing that's probably most frustrating is that I don't have anything positive in my life.
> I'm angry 😡
> That made me so angry about her entitlement that if she was in front of me, I would've punched her in the teeth
> And then Sherry tells me dude you're too angry blah blah blahAgain I nearly lost my mind because I feel angry and I feel it that it's justified.Please tell me if I'm wrong you know I will hear it
> I try to tell her, but I start getting too pissed off text message and I can't control myself.
> In fact I rage texted her yesterday and copied and pasted it out into Grammarly and did not send it, I should copy and paste and send it to you.
> OK, I'm parked and pissed off.
> OK cool, just done with the DoorDash and made some money to eat.
> I've been more than kind and patient, I have been a bit irritable and angry, but hey, I'm human and I'm dealing with a lot of shit so please everyone the world included.
> On my way out I see Elizabeth sitting in her car talking on the phone so I made a point of walking in front of her car and pouring at her until she recognize me and then I waved.
> We're going to to see me turn from angry to calm and we're gonna see her turn from calm lit like a fucking Roman candle
> I know she texted she didn't "really" want to be in contact.We left it as friends and I started texting her like a friend and I think that made it harder for her So...
> Feel really bitter today and I'm fed the fuck up if anybody fucking pokes me today they are gonna get a fucking mouthful of fury because I'm just about fucking had my cup is full
> Liked "Coffee shop made offer.
> They took more than half the money I made yesterday.
> I have made $15 today, 4 hours.Doing 3 more now, but not optimistic.
> So the money I made on my last cash is gone.
> I'm just angry.
> I'm angry pretty much all the time.
> I don't have the ability at least right now given my current state to relax at all, at any time.I get frustrated with anything or anyone who are in my way.
> Made $20
> I did have my single best day ever this past week I made over $100 but that was a lot of driving.
> That's why I get so fucking angry and I start swearing calling everybody a fucking ass fuck!
> I'm livid mad right now I could fucking scream.
> Just so fucking angry that would've made me be able to pay storage
> I was pissed because I could've done that one delivery and been done
> I feel like taking the money I made for storage and going and buying a beer
> I'm angry at everything and everyone Just grinding my teeth And tension Don't know why other than I hate my life
> 2 more hours of dashing and made $10 to charge my car Yay
> So pissed I can't go and play
> Part of the reason I have no retirement or anything to fall back on it because I never made enough money in the first place to put anything away.
> I find myself angry right from waking up
> I made about $60 today, but had to charge, buy food, etc.Have $39 Have to pay my phone and then the car and then storage.
> Now I'm down to 37 miles on my battery so I got to go charge again and spend another 10 bucks so I just made almost 30 bucks and a third of it has to go to my car immediately.
> He sent me changes to be made and I'm still making them.
> Shows the court I made a good faith effort to heal my marriage before getting to this point.
> made $50 at lunch today which was great.
> The video I made that's on LinkedIn?
> He used to do his own taxes, long form at the dining table until he had too many variables at Play so it made sense to hire somebody who knew shit.
> My body has madeThat default mode now
> I'm just so fucking angry.I'm angry at everything
> Whatever fucking point this is trying to prove ain't working because at this point, I'm just fucking angry and I don't give a shit anymore.
> I'm really fucking bitterActually might be more that than angry
> What made me think of this was the different packaging and the amount or lack there of in terms of packaging.
> She seemed pissed off to see me.
> I could hear it in her voice which made me sad
> I don't want to think about her but she's in my head.I consciously got mad at myself and said stay in the present DONT GO BACKWARDS And it doesn't seem to change anything.
> I'm aware of it, the intensity and probably a giant feeling of helplessness because not in person.If I put myself in the hypothetical I would be FRUSTRATED but would't share it with you.
> frustrated too.
> It just makes me bitter and angry and resent everything.
> The things that once made them content are no longer fun or enjoyable.
> And then it made me think for a moment that Liz may not want to go through with this because she hast to give up a lot financiallyBut the law is 50-50 so I'm just thinking out loud OK I'll stop
> It sucks because hanging out with her I suddenly was introduced to her social circle and made a ton of friends around here in Ventura through her.
> The last thing I want to do is upset her more than I have by texting her because I know texting her makes her mad but there's probably another part of that that I'm texting her
> I find myself alone depressed and angry.
> Largely angry because I'm alone and don't have anybody to share anything with Just sucks because it makes me more depressed it's like a fucking demon feeding itself
> Its awful because she made my heart fucking melt.
> It made meLaugh.
> Should you cross paths with me you will feel my fury without guardrails.
> For an hour and a half I've been doing a lot of positive thinking about money I'm gonna make money this isn't gonna be a problem and I've made 15 bucks I need 55 more dollars
> And even if somebody were to give me money I have to withdraw it physically and then go pay money to put it on the card to pay for the car it's fucking madness
> If I had a gun I'd go into the Adobe offices right now and shoot every motherfucker on site I'm so angry at Adobe they've ruined my fucking life I fucking hate Adobe
> And I gotta make the comment driving around in society and seeing happy people makes me madI want to be happy too but I don't have the foundation upon which to make that happen at this moment.
> Anyhow, looks like I'm headed to a depressed angry friday night battling inside my head — suxWasted fucking days and going on 2 years of this fucking repeat shit show.
> I hope you can see/understand my frustration with having to output a shit-ton of effort and energy to get out of this.
> I'm gonna spend my whole fucking day on the phone tomorrow it's just frustrating is all fucking hell
> Just frustrated that I get one thing done and two more show up.
> I bet she's pretty pissed about divorce paperwork.
> All I know is she's wanting a divorce over a story she's made up in her head and she has others blindly believing her truth without EVER speaking to me, or asking me what happened.Thats honestly fine.
> I got triggered and got angry and went into a tailspin.
> I've done a lot of shadow work yesterday and today when I got triggered tonight my anger came right the fuck out and was ready to destroy everything.
> Like a pent up rage from this experience.
> I'm so angry not just for being put in this place, but the willful ignorance of my situation by someone who I fucking married.
> That reaction I have is rooted in my shadow it's not anger it's something else perhaps rooted deeper
> I have no idea if you read anything I wrote about running into Jenica's friends who I thought were my friends but tonight made that abundantly clear to me
> it's made me realize that with running into Jenica like a month ago I don't know if I want to be here at least right now.
> I'm extremely pissed off right now
> He was pissed off that I filed for divorce, he said you just wanna take half of everything mom has.He doesn't know that she asked for the divorce.
> This is part of Angry Bert being integrated now I am upset but I am not out of control
> I've been around enough angry people to know when they are going to pop and he is ready to go
> I was just thinking that I should tell Aidan he should be pissed at his mother for being so dishonorable at not honoring her wedding vows.
> Anyhow on my way up to Ohio I'm almost to the 33 I'm just feeling kind of pissed off and unhappyjust sucks to bust your ass and not get what you need
> Thinking about hypotheticals in the future with my father was a survival technique it made me think about if X happens or Y happens then I need to take Z action
> Just finished day 10Wow.Feels different but need some time.Going to do the course again, but thought u might find it helpful if you find yourself dealing with anger triggers etc
> I'm so angry about the vows
> I haven't spent time with other people in weeks I'm going fucking mad inside my own skull
> No money for food.Made some today but some already charged car and ill spend the rest tomorrow and next day.
> There are some young women who don't look over 16 kind of like Liz back in the day just made Me laugh
> You were so incredibly angry with me.
> I don't care who you are you don't honor the vows you made in front of God every relative you have.
> She put in no effort and made lots of promises and broke them all.
> I've almost made it to three hours of being awake and haven't lost my shit yet so it's starting out OK I'd like to keep it this way.
> She got pissed about that and said nobody's making my mind up.Grrrrrrr
> Never happened and SHOULD have.The narcissist didn't have to work after that she had me trapped and obeying her Because she made me feel like a bad husband.
> Going to go mad.Fucking hate this
> This isn't coming from a crying weeping place this is coming from a really angry place this is coming from a different part of me that I've not dealt with before
> Yeah you can read lots of anger in my text I am angry but it's pointless for me to scream at an inanimate object just won't do anything for me I've already done the screaming
> Why are we this close?Universe made it happen.She knows im over here.
> No money, no food.One more hour of this dash and have made $0 so far.Only dash of the day
> Her problem is she's uncomfortable with me opening my mouth and speaking up.Total fact every time I open my mouth and that relationship she would get frustrated and shut down
> Like I've had my whole fucking life destroyedI have a goddamn right to be fucking angry as hell and everybody can suck my dick
> I don't wanna text anymore it's makes me more angry
> Did 3 1/2 hours of DoorDash Ing this morning and got zero deliveries I made zero money.
> Frustrating, unproductive, depressing
> Loneliness hurts deeply when it runs this longIts made me bitter
> The angry brain I wake up in is already here tonight
> I'm just so fucking angry right now I could I could literally fucking kill someone
> Angry art
> That would have made my day
> That's how I've been made to feel my whole life
> I'm angry and fed up
> That's on top of dealing with my depression.Its not easy and feeling quite frustrated because it's hard to move forward when people keep putting roadblocks in your way
> She seemed pissed off.I said you can sit there its fine with me.
> Well I made a connection on FaceTime after a lot of trouble.
> by the way I've always had this deep deep inner anger and dissatisfaction my whole life and for whatever reason I feel like I might almost be getting to the bottom of it
> what I heard last night got me so mad.
> —Just made a mistake on a website and lost alot of work and have to recode it by hand.
> dashed made no moneyno more dashing todatyhave no moneyhave no foodhave no water
> I made no fuss.
> Turning into a bitter, angry asshole who isnt afraid to tell you youre an asshat to your face
> BitterAngryReclusiveOutcastRejectedDid i mention bitter and angry???
> I have so much anger in me right now
> I'm not made for this world I don't belong here
> I just had a DoorDash to Thacher from Starbucks and was able to pick up my medication from Declan.And I got great news from Declan that made my day.
> that last riff made me create and share this
> I'm in one of those really angry moods where I just hate fucking everybody.
> Reservation madeIt said if they don't have it my reservation available they'll give me 50 bucks on the website
> Made $25Found that cool sandwich shop and got brought around to different parts of town I've never been before.
> Hey, GM.I DDshd this AM for 30 mins and made $16.
> I thought I knew alot about creativitiy and he made me head pop off a few times.
> —Today has been depressingly hard in my headThe idea of moving into a senior community...Wtf??Am I that fucking done?Made me literally hold back tears.
> did 2 hrs of dash 7-9 made $20 — now at starbucks trying to follow up on apps and apply to more
> I really want to be done with this existence and feel as though I am being punished by being made to stay alive
> Not only do I pay the ADD executive function tax, I pay the depression tax as wellJust sucks to work Twice as hard and twice as long to get to the same fucking placeSo frustrating.
> It's like Madge and Palmolive.
> Made $50 2.5 hours
> picture made me think offline
> Save myself more frustration
> —Todays vibe is...I refuse the play the coy games society requires to participate.Inauthenticity is something I cannot tolerate and the entire world is soaking in it — just ask Madge and Palmolive
> But I've also made no money because the meds made my head non-functional.
> literally made myself lol when I read back over that
> And note, she made me cry within 2 mins of listening.
> Weirdly I noticed that I didnt feel as angry.
> Its sad to think all I never made.
> It was reflective, and made me think about the warehouse of shit I have in my head that I forgot about.Example.
> It triggers frustration and anger.
> I'm really angry and doubt that will subside.
> I've had it for two years now, slow percolating anger.
> Made it to sunset for yet another day of soaking in it.😕☹️
> Frustrated with existence and being alive.I really dont want to be here doing this, but as I expressed, I sit in my shitpile so others arent bothered by me
> —last thing, someone gave me a tip on doordashI never get tipsIt made me cry 🥲
> I made $40
> Could have made 70-80 today.
> My two times at Art in the Park, any money I made paid for the space fees and the prints I sold.
> Jenicas rejection of me being a knife in the heart that has made me want to stay reclusive.
> this just makes my whole life take even longer to get back on track.--I was at basecamp 4 looking for a way to make a push for the summit.Now its as if I'm back at basecamp one, feeling frustrated.
> I envision days of talking in circles getting nowhereAnd frustration sets in and Im done, tuned out
> —Was hoping I made one sale on my website while away.
> Just like the dogs, no judgement on love—it was so nice to see.It made me want to do same thing sometime down road.Train a dog to be a therapy dog and go into hospitals like that.
> Haven't I suffered enuf?Do I need more sacrifices?How the fuck to move forward when EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE ITS AGAINST U?So frustratingPuts me in deep frustration and withdrawl from trying anymore
> Think I may just go walk in a circle outside, come back, and simply give up trying.Let it go.Nothing more frustrating than not being motivated, and pushing yourself to do thingsOnly to be thwarted.
> I feel no remorse right now.Like I could go find someone and fuck them up hard.Lots of rage inside.
> k, now to bed.planning on having another frustrating unproductive day.
> Thinking about going back to CA because being here is frustrating and not working.
> A reply to Chris Guillbeaus post i made.Its a few weeks and thats a YEAR AGO.still treading waterStill NO FUCKING END IN SIGHT 😭😭😭😭
> That shit got under her skin.I know this.I NEVER MADE THAT WOMAN DO ANYTHING SHE DIDNT WANT.She said in session "I decided to let it continue..."But I raped herso angry.
> Some funny shit.Managed to mention Madge from Palmolive and Genghis Khan in them.
> The fact that money keeps me from this makes me really fucking angry
> I haven't made money doing my kind of work for six months now.
> feeling screwed.looks like the payment for the car didn't go throughwill contact venmo in the morning about it.pissed — likely lose the car now.
> not angry, not mad — i'm beyond all that with regard to the marriage
> started working on trees website changes.made duplicate pages so I'm not killing what is live.
> now theyre good.ALso made me realize.No sound effects—unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.
> VERY ANGRYVERY DEPRESSEDJust fed up with this existence
> Just want to stare at the wall or floor.For whatever reason my depression decided to show up with a fucking fury and vengeance today.Not sure if I've ever felt it quite this strong.
> Got meds.Feel numb to outside world.Dissociated and angry
> —Titian was mixing Rose-madder.
> I mean a woman would literally have to come out and say it right to my face because I just would not see it or pick up on it Its fucking frustrating
> very hard to focuson anything at alleven distractionsOverthinking is a constant companion and frustration.
> sad realization hit me day before yesterdayI may never know what it feels like to not be anxious, depressed or some combination thereof.Literally made me instantly cry and lose my breath.
> I dont have any aspirations or goals, just sadness and a broken, empty, and frustrated heart and soul.Dr.
> Going to take my rage to AI, curious how it would replyMaybe call the rubber truck
> I saw your reaction and it made me think of upstairs your mom has it on the wall
> Imagine ur frustrationSorry u had it land in ur lap
> There is also madness and insanity, both of which I dance with at moments.Almost fell into a mental abyss yesterday.
> And my brain is off on some fucking parade, fight, anger, ragefest kicking my ass HARD in my head.
> Hola!, imagine you are there by now.I hope you made it safely.
> Tree made a good point that some vids went offline and then her site has a hole in it.Makes sense to me.--Last bit.The sentence up top in blue:Get your FREE, New Zealand, Australia, and Fiji e-book.
> By the way today tonight I made a recommitment and double down on my meditation practice.
> Let me know if this reads OK.I dont want to stoke any anger.
> Made me sad to have it end, but happy I had that experience even tho a broken heart.Actually felt love I was giving come back to me equally, if not more.
> Actually I'm going to go walk around the ponds in 5 mins.Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.
> https://open.spotify.com/track/6GtX0jaNL8IjVQfrDBx81z?si=KUoiZWjXQHe8Vc7R1X293w&context=spotify:search:despite+all+my+rage
> I dont see things the way others do because of my experience.I have a jaded+angry side I keep largely hidden, and when rage builds up it can show up.
> AI made me cry
> They made an app for me and Darrell 🤣🤣And love the name:MumbleNote
> this is from Madison Square Garden
> then try to focus on something else.this is why I thought I was in another dimension.none of it made sense
> I also sent you your separate email, and exact copy/paste with links to the MSA and the overview vid I made.Let me know what you think.😊
> I'm not crying.more angrybecause she did me wrongshe did our marriage wrongshe did life wrong
> and that she's forgiven her brothers and father, who have all made me look like a preschooler with "sins"
> really angry tonight
> the universe made me see this and send it...
> —Good Seth today:Made me think of you.....Effort and valueWe expend effort.We create value.It's easy to get confused about which one we're going to ultimately be compensated for.
> she was FURIOUS with me, over nothingI didn't show up for dinner, but made no promises that I was going to be back at any specific time.
> I havent been this ANGRY since a long time ago in California
> note: whenever someone says to me " You made me xyz"I pipe right the hell up and stop them RIGHT there.I didn't make them do ANYTHING.
> ah just made think I need some beastie boys
> made good progress on my slideshow redesign today.Google Slides has some limitations and need to see if there are plugins that can help
> Im frustrated, angry, and exhausted thru my bone marrow.
> —I forwarded an email to you where he tells the story of a kid who made 2 apps.
> Tired, frustrated, and alone.The catch 22 of not letting myself allow ppl in my life because i dont have the means is a slow death by isolation.
> Angry.Negative energy.
> Apparently thats a "thing" for some women.She made over 500,000 last yearShe had a great approach to getting traffic.
> Liked "I think we made it a while ago - just need to reconcile with it as we could change our minds and stay here "
> The best way I can describe it would be like an energy thingI pick up on bad juju, suspicion, anger, checked the fuck out.
> and then couldnt stop thinking about it.Was entirely distracting.Made the remainder feel like sitting in a chair in the dark with my headphones on.Ultimately I ended up texting u guys.
> —I still have anger, but I'm not going to go on a rager.
> Thing is I can feel my anger now.
> I am angry as all fuck right now, but feel cool as a cucumber deep inside.This is a really nice feeling
> Its being angry without it lighting you on fire simultaneously.A ruthless, cool kind of anger.One that never gives up until it gets what it wants.Delicious.
> lack of resources sucksits what stops me from plugging into the snow globemakes me super resentful
> today, doing divorce stuff, along with this being the second day after a treatment has mad this a particularly miserable day.Add rain.Add loneliness.Add existensial dread to keep doing this.
> Having an afternoon where my anxiety is way high.I can feel my entire nervous system shaking inside.I didnt have this after ketamine treatments.It made my internal nervous vigilance shut off.
> ur mom made it seem like ur working until 10pm then heading over
> Oddly wishful.Am I working hard?!?Really??If I was, wouldn't I see some kind of result I could point to?Being alive is frustrating
> —GM Feedback....Also Let your mom know I've watered the plants and made sure they're doing OK
> Frustrated not having resources to live.
> Frustration = raging anger where I leave ppl dead
> Having to sit around in that headspace while the clock ticks away and you watch the sands of time run through your fingers is incredibly frustrating
> —exiledthats what it feels like to be me.If you've never been exiled, well then go make someone so angry they kick you out of your family.#wtaf
> Endlessly frustrating.I keep waking up to the same day, with a different date on the calendar.
> so angry I could kill with my bare hands
> I'll let him know I can anonymize the data points so they're made up.
> I kind of pissed her off but he pissed me off that she told me I was yelling.Went so far as telling me my tone has changed.
> not sure if you heard from your mom or tree, but I pissed her off on the drive back from ketamine on MondayI shut down when I got back and slept until Tuesday at 1pm-yesterday.
> Good times.I need a new place to be an angry hermit.
> Just stopped for today.Made it to Salina Kansas.
> Isolation like Colorado, but no baggage and triggers there.This is a nightmare made real.
> In a place and space I don't want to be, being asked to do things I'd rather not do.I have no privacy, or personal space here.Fucking maddening.
> The one I could have made a pass at but chose not to hurt her and stay platonic.
> No one gets it.Its frustrating that no one understands me.

## Vignettes
> man, I just beat myself up on another level.
> Made myself cry.
> I can be a real SOB to myself.
> hey there.
> hope the rest of your saturday went well.
> I'm about to head out on a 30 mile bike ride.
> Try to "air out" my head.
> Still have the self-loathing although not nearly as bad as it was yesterday.
> It's all stemming from getting the new car (lease) on Friday.
> Thought the car was ‘exactly' the same as the one I currently have and its not.
> Some features aren't there.
> My own damn fault for not being patient and doing my homework deeper.
> I then find myself being pissed at me because I'm now stuck in a 36/mo lease 😟
> still feel *off* a bit tho.
> This week/month is a new start for me.
> I made the Super Bowl a line in the sand for me with some self care issues.
> We were at a soccer tournament all weekend.
> Darragh‘s team made it to the final game and lost 10.
> It was a bummer, but great that they couldn't make it that far.
> Declans team did all right, but teams in his bracket got into a fight and they had to kick them out of the tournament.
> So he didn't get to play as many games and was bombed
> I'm mad at myself for not doing things 10-15 years ago that could have made a difference on where I find myself now.
> decisions and actions I took.
> I catch myself comparing to other and it triggers these feelings.
> you know i was thinking that by the time I reached 50 I would be done with this shit.
> I would be well established, settled and no getting riled by crappy thoughts.
> It literally brings me to tears I get so frustrated beating the same drum again and again in my mind.
> I woke up this morning completely angry.
> Just woke up angry.
> Emotions are really powerful, and I don't wanna feel angry.
> And now I'm mad at myself for being angry about the things I'm pissed off about, because they seem petty.
> Anyway there you go, I don't have anyone else I can do this with so thank you 😊
> I have things I put off every week, With the promise of getting it done the following week in the evenings, or on the weekend after soccer.
> It never happens.
> And today I've made and commitment to myself to spend at least one hour a night going through that stuff I put off perpetually
> I just don't enjoy physically feeling like shit anymore.
> Darren said it today, if you're tired and burned out frustrated etc.
> he said you're not taking care of yourself.
> You're no good to anybody until you get yourself better.
> Just got word Declan made JV soccer at the public school.
> 50+ kids competing for 34 spots between JV and Varsity.
> Really happy for him.
> Wow.
> just had this feeling come over me—very strong.
> Has to do with regret.
> I saw a woman with her small child and made me reflect back to me with the boys.
> I only see my shortcomings, and struggling to see myself positively as a father.
> In fact I struggle to engage with my boys positively today because I feel I'm always on their case about something.
> Especially Aidan—he really has no love for me at all.
> I can feel it.
> Appointment went really well.
> Made me realize that for intake type of appts (meeting doc for first time) it makes sense to meet on vid call.
> You really dont do anything other than answer questions.
> No need to take vitals, etc.
> Made it!
> Got in my hands.
> All set
> Angry, frustrated, and sad.
> No outlet.Picking up on the "fuck you" vibes.
> Drove home from Ventura with boys on phones in back seat.
> Not one word was said.I kept quiet just allowing space....And crickets 🦗 🦗 🦗
> I spoke with Daisy the creative Director and she believes that there will continue to be website work after it's launched.
> But was unsure about new projects.
> I'm thinking about reaching out to the president of the company, who I have a very good rapport with to find out if they would ever work on new projects with me again.
> I think the sales people were frustrated with me, primarily because I was going through depression and unable to keep up.
> 😞
> OMG I went down the rabbit hole of course.
> I found this musical genius as well.
> Metal, so hard on the ears, but man he matches the rage in the vids.
> 🤣
> Boys soccer seasons wrapped up.
> Unfortunately neither of their teams made playoffs so seasons ended last weekend.
> 😟
> no.
> also still processing an emotional outburst from my father as we were going out to dinner last night.
> He went mental over seriously trivial stuff ( getting out of the car before I pull into the parking space because it will be easier for him ) Yelled at me, angry as all hell, and proceeded to get out of the car and slam the door.
> Acting like a 5-year-old.Anyhow, every day there are multiple triggers here for me.
> It's far more intense than remembering the past while sitting in sunny California.I sit here under 24/7 gray skies and rain/snow inside my parents' bubble feeling intense shame, guilt, and an overwhelming sense of failure not just on one ‘thing' or area of life, but failing as a human.I suspect you may reply and tell me that I'm a good human and I matter, I hear you, I understand you, I can see it logically, but I don't FEEL ITI'm struggling with the juxtaposition of the past, the present, and feeling emotions intensely while at the same time striving for equanimity and peace.I meditated this morning for 20 mins and half of it was spent crying as I focused on my breathing.
> And here I sit in procrastination in front of the one thing that WILL move me forward, my own website and portfolio.
> If I can get some momentum there I think it would help my psyche and emotions.
> Self-esteem is essentially non-existent and self-doubt very strong.All that by 12 noon today.
> 😊
> not much.
> submitting proposals and trying to land a project.
> still working on my site.
> Made excellent progress past few days, its getting close.
> so, went on a 5-mile walk (no hills here so not technically a hike to me) and had an insight that was a moment of clarity around what is bothering me.they called a meeting with me to "let me go" flat out.
> but Daisey fought for me and said that was too harsh.
> So IMO someone was done.That was BEFORE anyone at A+L knew about my depression and how it was affecting my work and decision-making.Now that I have my head screwed on straight, while grateful for the off-ramp of work on the website I still feel slighted by the lack of compassion towards my situation.
> Hence the cognitive dissonance of "we care about people" which I honestly did feel cared for until the floor fell out.I'm pissed because it was great work, good people, flexible and the position I longed for after suffering in the cubicle all those years ago.Again "depressed me" fucked up all my shit—my relationship with Liz and my bread-n-butter—and back to "normal me" has to reconcile, pay and redeem myself from all I did and messed up.Having to suffer twice over the same thing is god damn cruel, at least that's how it feels.
> And yes I'm aware that suffering is a choice, but we're talking about the woman I love down to my DNA and in that case the hurt is at a level where there is no decision to be made, the body just reacts at a root level without thought, like your heartbeat or breathing.OK, off my chest now.Thanks again for calling today.
> Despite my lack of response and enthusiasm on the other end you were heard and I am grateful.off to eat and vegetate on some video
> hope all is well.
> read this earlier today, was part of a larger article.
> Rang a bell inside my head..."Realise that you are only resentful to the extent that you have given away your personal power.
> Ultimately, to forgive someone means to cancel the debt you feel they owe you.
> It is a surrender and release of the hurt that has passed between you.
> The antidote to resentment is acceptance."
> At last nights team soccer banquet for Declan won "Most Impactful Player of the Season" award and made "First Team All-League." He's won a different team award each year he's played: Coaches Award (10th) and Most Improved Player (11th), and now Most Impactful (12th).Serious deal is All-League.
> The type of player making this team in our soccer league is an EXCELLENT player — they ALL play club soccer year round so the competition and talent level is SUPER high.
> To be recognized by other teams and coaches is HUGE.
> So stoked for him.
> ⚽️
> When I passed thru the outdoor chapel today on my hike.
> I was struck by the site of my wedding vows.
> It made me pause and remember what I hold most dear to me, and how I failed to uphold my vows.
> It breaks my heart.I wept then as I do now writing this.Deep remorse for what happened.
> I'm cautious of the egos desire to feel "absolved of sin"Might you have 15mins tomorrow to talk?
> I'm of course nervous about Tuesday and could use a sounding board.Be well!
> Going to do it now.
> Also had another idea about a post to Instagram since that's where I have a small group of ppl following.
> Going to share about my depression and trying to hide it because of shame.
> I didn't get proper help in the darkest of times because I felt not worth it, and that I can keep pushing through like I always have.
> I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain, and that made things worse to the point I hurt the ones I love the most in the whole world.And now I don't know if I can ever earn their love and trust back.It hurts, but now there's no numbing.Almost a year ago I began to cultivate the smallest speck of self-worth through daily meditation.
> I created a daily habit of self-love and I can say now that months later I still feel intense emotional pain, but I sit with it, I feel it, and do my best to stay with it.
> Its not easy I will not lie as I've never done this my entire life.
> I've always been silent about my misery as best I could until it overflowed.Wow.
> What was that?
> Also, I don't know how to describe it, but at times she's like different people.
> Sometimes, like today I got to see her smiling and laughing.
> It was so wonderful to see.Then sometimes if I ask a question etc I feel negative energy and I can sense low level "mad mind" as you called it.I don't know how to read that switching cause I'm too close.I so want to repair this.
> Had an incredible meditation this morning.
> I was staring at the root of a story that has gripped me my whole life; you aren't good enough, you don't measure up.I wasn't feeling my body, I was beyond physical form and everything made sense.
> No effort, no stress, pure being.
> Just pulled into driveway after visiting Sallie for a few hours today.Whole drive home been triggered about what feels like a year of my life gone by and nothings changed in my relationship with Liz.
> I still feel the mad mind around her every time I see her.
> Feels like this is never getting better ❤️‍🩹 it breaks my fucking heart to contemplate that.
> I love her so much, always have.
> My life still feels so it's uncertain 🤨 to me.
> 365 days of not knowing what's happening and sleeping on the couch.
> Sometimes it feels like I'm becoming numb to feeling anymore, because when I do it seems to hurt.
> When I think about someone touching me, hug, hand on the back, I feel recoil.
> It just feels fucked up.
> Just had a small interpersonal interaction with LizJust feeling the dark side of her.Little to know words, and flat.She seems extremely tired and burnt out or mad and keeps a lid on it.
> I cannot tell.There are parts of my ability to interact with her that are stymied for whatever reason.I have 2 things.1.
> I am concerned about her well-being with as many demands that are on her shoulders—in particular, with being the primary contact and caregiver with her mom and the myriad of details that involves.
> Besides the fact that her mom's health has been unsteady these past couple of months.2.
> I am so confused as to how to be most helpful.
> I've offered help anytime it is needed to both Liz and Sallie—perhaps I need to reiterate that to them.
> But I don't know if maybe going away again would be most helpful.
> Is my being here a burden to Liz because she's already dealing with a lot?
> I was gone 1/3 the year of the incident.
> I've processed it alone for myself, but not entirely with her.I keep thinking back on her looking me square in the eye and saying, "I'm done." and it pierced my heart.I love her dearly and have never wavered in my devotion to her, but I'm somehow standing here seemingly watching her suffer with trying to keep everything going.There's a part of me that thinks she wants a divorce, but a part of her is afraid to say it to me for fear of my reaction (considering her experience of my state of mind).This is all so fucking heartbreaking and sad for both of us.
> Our relationship should have never gotten into this weird space.Personally, I was just hit with a wave of tears and sad emotion—like love dying and had to pause.Was just thinking about the feeling of living between spaces in suspended animation like Man on Wire
> I've been thinking a great deal about where I am presently.
> I'm feeling a great deal of daily stress from my work status (have made maybe $500 in 3 months) and my relationship is essentially a persistent feeling of being ghosted.Whenever I'm in the same space as Liz I can feel her energy, I feel the suffering she is holding on to.
> I feel it, I see it, I experience it.She is dealing with a great deal.
> Her mom is ok, but on dialysis now and not knowing if that's permanent.
> Sallie also has some ticker issues going on too.
> Students arrive today for preseason sports, so the impending school year is looming large.
> Imagine going back to the classroom is it's own unique stress as well.I find myself feeling similar to how I felt before things blew up, forgotten, ignored, & ghosted.
> However, I'm unsure if my selfishness for a relationship resolution is lying to me by making those feelings surface, it's what I sense.Simultaneously I have an enormous amount of compassion and empathy for Liz and want to be helpful, not hurtful, as I've sadly exceeded that quota.
> I've shared my willingness to help out Sallie and her in whatever ways I can be of service.Oh, and I just remembered Kona.
> She is still training for it, but no one is talking about it and unsure what if any travel plans are in place.
> I know I don't have a ticket, that's about it.I'm in uncharted territory taking things hour by hour, day by day, and it's incredibly stressful.
> I can feel as I type this that my shoulders and neck and locked and hot to touch.
> My body is feeling it hard.
> Meditation practice is deepening and sessions less than 30mins feel too short now.It's been good because I feel I'm fighting a lie inside my head, and that is this.Liz is avoiding me very hard at moment because the wall she's holding up between us is how she is surviving this period of time.But that's because she wants to tell me that she's done being married to me, but she can't do that right now because that would be too much with everything going on, and push her over her "edge." A part of my brain is reading her likes she's afraid to say it to my face because she fears my reaction(s).
> She's seen me lose it over much much less.I feel more and more like I shouldn't be here, but if not here, where?
> I'm in my house but weirdly feel homeless.
> Lots of confusion based on hunches and nonsense.Anyhow feel like I'm rambling now.Haven't talked with another person about these thoughts and needed to get them out of my head.Thanks for reading and be well 🙏
> This is probably me just ranting and sharing outside my head.In some ways I feel like I'm making something out of nothing, but I've been avoided since arriving at the end of May.
> Ignored and ghosted.I'm just confused because I don't understand her.
> She doesn't talk to me, when I ask questions I get one-word answers.
> I've asked to meet for coffee or some thing and had schedule conflicts so I asked her to let me know when it works for her schedule, and that was three weeks ago.She has been worried about her mom, but she seems stable at the moment.I feel she's pissed that I'm not working.
> VibesI have a lot of stress man.
> And I've had it over a year now between work and my marriage.
> Neither are settled or stable.
> Meanwhile working to find work, dealing with ageism, being patient and rejection is hard.The part I can't rationalize is why I'm still in the house if she wants nothing to do with me.
> Perhaps it's pity and she doesn't wanna kick me out on the street without no job.My prediction is when I do find something steady or wise and have a regular source of income again she's gonna want me to move out.
> That's what it feels like right now, it really sucks because I don't want that.Depression tried to lie it's way back into running my life but I'm savvy to it.
> It shows up a lot, and some days days it's bad.
> I've talked to my depression doc about this already.Anyhow that's my brain 🧠 dump 🛻 for now.
> Makes me feel unwanted and insignificant in my relationship.
> Just want to go away and disappear.Professionally it's frustrating but part of process.
> Like art critiques, They can be frustrating but are a necessary part of the process
> It's never felt more certain that Liz is done with me.
> Has said only hi to me this entire week.It's that or she has the best "wall" put up between 2 people I've ever known.Attrition?
> Is that's what's going on?Make me feel so rejected that I just go away?Im confused, mistreated, tired, frustrated, unemployed, broke, and miserableIn some ways going to Kona is like rubbing it all in my face"Here's what you gave up your wife and family for..." Been thinking about not going as it might be too emotional 🖤 for me, but then I'm just massively confused 🫤
> Potentially crappy news.
> The guy who was going to housesit for us came by today to meet the dogs and our new dog did not like him.
> She growled she snapped, it wasn't good.
> So unless we can find an alternative looks like I'll be staying here while everyone else goes to IRONMANI'm not mad in the slightest bit, rather it's typical for my life to unfold like that so I'm not really surprised mad or anything.I am hopeful the universe will find a way for me to go.
> I've already nearly sacrificed my marriage for this endeavor, it would suck not to see the crowning glory before he potentially could all go up in flames.
> I realize that.
> Just getting automatic thoughts out.What was noticeably different was that I was not triggered at all.
> And that is certainly something that would've sent me off into clear anxiety and frustration before
> Depression is BIG TODAY and was late last night.
> Part of my brain thinks that this is the first day of the rest of my life.And because I feel depressed in a big way tends to make me think that is going to be the rest of my life just more fucking depression.It takes so much goddamn energy and effort to pretend that life‘s OK, or tolerable.
> Feels like dragging yourself thru everyday just to get to the end and collapse mentally and physically.It's made me very jaded and cynical and I hate that
> There are moments I find myself at peace, and there are moments where I am ready to kill everything.There's a really deep anger in me that I'm not really sure how to process and it would be great if you had some ideas or pointers that might help process thatOf course I could easily go run to the Google and search and find some fucking YouTube videos but that's just random shit, and who knows what I will get.
> I'd rather have you provide some guidance.
> Story can't change when self hate is dominant.
> I'm so angry with myself for all of this.
> Makes me double down on the "I don't deserve nice""Who TF am I to demand anything from anyone when I'm failing so hard.Honestly I think I've given up over this trip.
> I had changed my story before I got here and I've been reminded that I'm not worthy of Liz, my family, or this life.
> I had it, and I fucked it up, and now I live with that.
> I'll be honest.The amount of rejection I'm having in many areas of my life all at once is both immediately frustrating and triggering my depression very hard.As much as I've wanted this trip to Hawaii to be relaxing and restorative—its felt like the opposite.
> Its been so long since I've not felt some level of depression and sadness that I'm unsure if I've ever truly been happy and content in life.
> I've always felt not good enough and a failure pretty much my entire life.
> Any time I do "achieve" its never felt good enough and I've never felt relaxed about any of it as well—just tension and stress of not being good enough.
> My depression is back with a vengeance.
> Today and tonight has been hard to get thru.
> Aidan and Darragh have both caught me crying, they were shocked and simultaneously very kind and asked if they could help.
> I told them no.Im struggling mentally harder than ever.
> Just tired from masking and pretending nothings wrong 😑 it's all caught up with me this week here in Kona.
> The triggers were everywhere I looked.
> I leave here knowing I gave up 12 years of my marriage to this race and sport.
> Hundreds maybe thousands of hours of watching kids while ppl are doing 80miles on the bike.I feel punished every day.
> Sleeping on the floor or couch after 14 months is both sad and painful emotionally and physically (my back).
> It's my reminder every night that I made a mistake and I'm going to be reminded of this the remainder of my days alive.
> When I was in my darkest moments I remember begging her in the bedroom to not give up on me because I knew how depressed I was and how it was affecting people.I felt like nobody cared, because nobody talked to me, or interacted with me, or anything.
> Everybody pretty much avoided me which made me go deeper into myself in buying the more of my depressed lying inside my head
> I feel in many ways she has no idea who I am now, she has no idea of the amount of suffering introspection learning work meditation etc.
> that I've done in the past 14 months.There's no way that it could not change you in someway, and I was most definitely looking for a big change.
> It's hard for me a times to see myself from outside, hell it's nearly impossible.
> but in that moment I realized I reacted in a way that I aspire to, and I did it automatically without thinking and then was aware of it and then I almost had a smile on my face while Liz was looking at me berating about the dogI made sure she knew I heard her and as that moment when away we went about our days all of this suddenly became very clear to me that she's talking to me in a way or to the old Bert scolding me because because I would it's like, it's like my reaction to my dad
> As we approached the end of the trail, or the other side trail head the clouds started to break and the sun was shining down on us.
> It was an amazing hike, I don't think I've ever felt as centered, calm, and lots of gratitude.I feel like a lot of things that have seemed very confusing to me for quite some time came to me in a way where it all made sense suddenly., At least my understanding of everything now makes sense to me, because before what I didn't understand was that she would think that of me that I was capable of doing that to her.
> The only thing I could see was my own depression at that time I was so deep in a hole.
> Wow like 30 seconds went by where I just stared at the garage after I said that and believe me I never wanna go back there.
> Got emotional of course.But it's the first time I've been able to speak and not feel inferior She didn't receive me wellAnything I say about that evening or my experience is invalid because I was drinkingI said that just because I was drinking doesn't mean I have no memory.
> I was definitely not blacked out.I asked her when did she feel I was threatening to her.She said many times I would be drinking and angry or yelling.
> It was me depressed fueled on alcohol and pot.
> I WAS NEVER PHYSICALLY VIOLENT OR THREATENED THEM WITH VIOLENCE.I only said I wanted to hurt myself in front of them.
> I did ask her how she could destroy our family and do to her boys what happened to her when her mom and dad divorced.She said what they dealt with and went thru that time was worse.I just had a conversation with Darragh 10 mins ago about that period of time and mentioned how "nuts" I was and apologized for being that way, for being angry and yelling.
> I asked if he ever felt threatened like I was going to hurt, or hit him, he says "no" and says its "no big deal"
> Was just reading a twitter thread of a woman who wants to find someone to share life with, never married, etc and over 40.
> She says she has a good life but the idea of finding someone seems like it will never happen.The comments in the thread made me incredibly sad.
> So many contemporaries who have either never found someone, or did and its over—some multiple times.I dont want to be one of them.
> I love my wife on a deep cellular level that I can't shake.
> She has a white-knuckle grip on her pain and it feels like she needs my validation.Since the hike and my shift when I spoke with her I see everything differently.I still feel sorrow and remorse for what happened that night and Liz was hurt deeply from that experience and the accumulation of toxic fear leading up to it.
> She feared me for the rage, anger, and dark depression that was overflowing out of me regardless of the masking I tried.She feared for herself and the boys.
> I was lost inside the lies of my depression and could not see or perceive clearly so my sense of her fear was minimal at best.What she did not know was that all the rage and anger was aimed at myself fighting the inner dialogue of self-hate, self-loathing and not understanding why it felt that no one cared about me.
> I was suffering badly and no one was going to save me, except I didn't know that.
> I held out hope that things would get better, or someone would intervene.
> None of that happened and I kept falling deeper with self medication.I'm not sure what she knew about what was going on with me.
> I don't remember any moment of communication where there was overt empathy and compassion towards me or even a basic curiosity seemed to be hard to come by.
> She may have been too afraid to inquire or help, I don't know.What I do know is that her creating distance only reinforced the belief in the lies depression was telling me — you are worthless and no one gives a shit about you, not even you're wife!
> Look she doesn't care about you!
> It's right in front of your face, she hates you." I fought that inner dialogue for months and can't honestly can't believe I'm still alive.My basic plan involved hiking to a beautiful spot in the sespe and check out.
> The ideation was BIG, and I thought about it a lot.
> I was going to take Weston with me, so I wasn't alone.
> But then I realized Weston would be alone with me dead, and I could NEVER hurt him, or leave him alone like that who knows how many miles from home.Plus, the burden of my pain would be put on my wife and children to carry throughout their lives.
> That would be beyond any cruelty a person should ever have to bear.I decided ultimately that I was the only one that was going to save me.
> I put off getting help because depression kept lying and telling me that I deserved to suffer and don't ever get help, I don't deserve it.Wow, ok have to stop, that's alot
> I miss her love so very muchThe idea that she will never love me again strikes me at my core.
> I made a vow through good times and bad.
> We've really never had any big problems over the years.
> I want nothing more than to talk and work through this problem.
> I don't know if she genuinely doesn't care about me at all.I want to grow old with her and take care of her for all she's done for me😭😭😭
> I have zippo history of any kind of violence in my entire history as a human.
> I do however have a history of running my mouth having a lot of anger ads and all over the place, but I have never in my entire life acted out physically against someone in a violent angry way or assaulting them in any form
> Jason,The general agreement looks good.
> ( I noticed a couple of typos and noted them in the attachment ).There are a few things to bring up after thinking things over since we talked and now have read the documents.I would like the compensation to be $12,000.00 per month.
> I researched this role in my part of the country to find what I think is fair, especially considering I will not have any benefits for the next six months.
> I will invoice Hatch at the beginning and middle of each month.
> I want payments made via direct payment or ACH, and I can provide those details for you.I am excited to begin working with you and the entire team at Hatch.
> Once you update the agreement, send it over, and I will get it signed and returned immediately and cc whoever needs a copy.Then we can prepare for onboarding.Reach out to me if you have any questions.
> I've been reflecting on how I behave during the talk.
> I broke down was very emotional, and honestly I let emotion drive my thinking and some of what I said.
> Nothing inflammatory just speaking my reality and truth for this past year plus.
> She has no idea or any insight into what this past year has been like for me.
> I regret we didn't communicate, but I was operating from a space of time and distance for her to heal.meanwhile I was just trying to process why I was being accused of and what transpired that day.
> And processing everything that led up to it because I felt rejection for such a long period of time through a lot of training for IRONMAN etc.
> There was just no time for us to spend time together.from my side I am guilty of just swallowing it and not bringing it up every time.
> But whenever I did I could see her get very sad and then sort of disappear like go inside herself and withdraw, she would just disappear into training as her medicine to deal with everything, but that of course made her more distant from me and us.
> Her experience of this time especially before Covid is very different than mine.
> Of course I was depressed and that made me feel more isolated.Meanwhile I was spiraling into my depression deeper and deeper because I was feeling the ultimate rejection from my wife.
> Here I am as depressed as I've ever been and I can't even get a hand put on my back and"are you OK?" I think it was one night I was having a depressive episode she said that I should go check myself in.
> At first I didn't know what she meant so I asked her what do you mean?
> When she made it clear what she was talking about, my depression instantly took over I need to suffer more and I rejected the idea when,if I had done that at that time I would not be in the situation i am today.
> 🥺Anyhow I digress into my stories.
> Back to work hereI want to know what this past year has been like for her but obviously she is very closed off and guarded.
> This morning I've discovered I don't know who I am.My whole life has been lived in reaction to and fear of others.
> Decisions, actions, thoughts all massively influenced and driven by other peoples words and reactions.Many times fictional stories made in my mind drove decisions and thinking.Certainly the last 5 years of my marriage have been this way intensely for me.
> been hard to focus over here...Amazon recruiter reached out today to setup an interview for a UX Design position in their FinTech division.The universe made that happen, so I'm inclined to pursue it.I have no idea how Friday will turn out, so not wanting to put all my eggs in one basket...Curious what you think about that?I'll ping you updates on migration process.
> I already shared it with Darragh and he was very excited.
> We would be able to see an entire premier league season.
> Plus, we could fly to the continent for champions league games and go see Real Madrid Barcelona go see Bayern Munich, Borussia, Dortmund.
> I'm suspicious that she's been talking to one particular person I know who doesn't have anything against me per se, but if Liz told her the story the way she does from the victims perspective this person would have huge sway and influence Lizs thinking and direction.
> How do I deal with something like that?Note that there was a distinct difference in her after I came back from Colorado to New York.
> I remember her seeming far more pissed off when I came back from Colorado, and before I left for New York.
> Before I left for Colorado, she pulled herself into a cocoon of sorts, and really didn't engage with me all that much.I vividly remember the painful moment when she dropped me off to catch my flight to New York, and I put my bags on the ground turned around and was gonna walk up to the window to say goodbye and she just gives me a cold stare, made a U-turn and pulled away.
> It was in that moment I began to cry, and basically didn't stop until I landed in New York.It was a terrible time for me.
> I did start meditating, but that took about 7-8 weeks to really show results.And now I've been able to regulate my nervous system through meditation.
> I've never felt my nervous system calm ever in my life.
> It seriously was like seeing the second coming of Jesus Christ himself.
> I couldn't believe the feeling I had inside of my body.
> There was a calmness and a serenity that I have never ever felt in my entire life.
> It was so peaceful that it was blissful.
> I don't feel that all the time, of course, but that moment in meditation resonated through the rest of the day, when I did tap into it, and it was very powerful.
> Liz has never known me other than diss regulated ain't mostly anxious with the sprinkling of depression, Bert, then I went massive depressive disorder with alcoholism and drug use to self medicate.
> I was in no state of mind to make clear, rational decisions.
> However, that's not to say I am not accountable for what I've done to others.
> I'm totally responsible and I have spoken to my sons about this time in our lives and expressed my regret and remorse and apologize if I had hurt them in anyway either.
> They both accepted the apology and told me honestly they never felt threatened by me were scared by me.
> They were just confused as to what was going on with me.And then returning from New York she was more or less how she is now only talking to me when it's about the boys or logistics.
> She's been willing to come to the sessions with the counselor, and we've had a few negatives interactions at home outside of that after I confronted her about passing pain on to others.
> She did not like hearing that one bit.
> It pissed her off so much that she pointed at the door and said leave the room right now.
> Funny how effective that was because I quietly backpedal then shut the door.
> Liz spent the weekend in town at Joanna's and still there tonight.I think she wants to be there during our call.Last week after the call I was incredibly triggered afterwards finding out she had "decided" to let things progress.I was very upset and disappointed 😢 and it made things more complicated to unpack than I thought.
> Of course my heart was broken and I let her know how upset I was.I was so mad I told her about my suicidal ideation and that in the darkest moments I chose them over the alternative, not once but twice.
> She knew I was depressed but not that far gone.
> All of this scares her.
> There is something deeper going on.In my conversation with Sallie yesterday I was sharing about my struggle with depression and the alcohol and the drugs.
> And then she shared about Adam and Greg list.
> His brothers, who have both gone through multiple periods of depression, drug use incarceration the whole ball of wax.I also need to know right now she is the only one taking care of her mother.
> Her brother Adam is MIA, and her brother Greg couldn't help her if he wanted to.
> His back is basically disintegrating on him and he uses a walker to get around now .
> She was scared of me in a way that the boys were not and when I asked him about being scared, it's more about my driving during that period of time which I was a grumpy driver.
> But I didn't drive my car in the other people because I was angry with them that's what a nut job would do.
> I wasn't nuts.
> Her heightened fear makes total sense to me now, and I remember the way she used to look at me with big eyes and there was like concern/fear behind them.Oh my god this is huge.
> ## I never put that together before.She has the trauma of watching Tim turn into somebody else, and she was terrified seeing him go through that transformation—SHE FELT HELPLESS and TERRIFIED.
> I know this because she told me the stories long ago.And then the same thing happens with her husband; he drops into a deep depression, and self-hate turns him into someone else; SHE FELT HELPLESS, TERRIFIED AGAIN, and for someone **who likes to be in control,** this was more than unsettling.
> She watched my dark spiral happen until it blew up in my face—which it had to at some point.I know there is a long history of alcohol and drug abuse with her brothers.
> Interventions, rehab, etc.
> I sat in on an intervention with her brother Adam.When I was profoundly mentally ill, I was self-medicating with both to numb my suffering of feeling rejected.
> She was feeling the energy of my frustration.
> I didn't believe I was worthy of asking for help.
> I had completely lost my ability to communicate pretty much anything with Liz because the energy of my severe depression and rejection frustration was palpable—it terrified her.
> I was lost inside my mind, blindfolded in a never-ending lightless labyrinth of suffocating silence and loneliness—depression—stranded inside my brain cells.This makes so much more sense now.I can see more of her suffering.
> Hi having some sushi then meditating until session time at 6:45.
> I think I might talk about wearing the scarlet letter for a year and a half and last week session was triggering but was also a release so.
> I think I'm also going to bring up Elizabeth‘s relationship with the men in her family.
> Both of her brothers struggle with alcohol and drugs and yet she's had to show the mercy and not get rid of them, and her father, the man who she idolized ended up having an affair and breaking up the marriage, which devastated her.
> Yet she was able to show him mercy, and I had a relationship after that with him, and even hung out with Laura his new wife.so I also had a problem with alcohol and drugs, but I was suffering a deep mental illness, causing that wasn't just because the weather was blowing a certain way my illness, and the fact that I wasn't properly treated meant I tried to self soothe with alcohol and drugs, which is wrong.
> So I have made mistakes.
> Yet I thought I was one of the men in her life and somehow Mercy is nowhere to be found.
> Please let me know what you think about that.
> Going to give up alcohol for a while.Not that I'm drinking a lot, some on weekends shooting darts.
> But I notice how much more psychologically down I am the day after.
> Far more negative and down.Can u help keep me accountable on that?Also starting into a keto diet.
> I have the $$ to buy the pre made meals delivered.And going to learn how to get my body into ketosis by using fasting.
> I have stubborn gut fat I want gone.
> Not good for ticker.
> I did.
> But focused on some other things at the moment.
> Paying down bills and getting a used car.
> I have preapproved financing ready to go, so I just need to make the deal.I've also been very distracted by work, and I've been feeling very sad about Liz.
> She's been down at Joanna‘s house for about a week now, and it's now spring break so I expect her to stay down there for the next two weeks.
> I basically never see her.
> Don't talk to her and don't really text her.
> I'm wondering if I should, not be annoying, but be persistent in my outreach.
> When I do see her, I act normal optimistic positive.
> I'm not depressed or mopey.I am feeling really depressed and sad though because I still love my wife deeply.I really can't get through to her because she won't pay attention to me.
> There is still anger and other things that are making her put a wall up between us.
> I believe that I need other people to lobby her on my behalf.
> That's what I've been thinking about in terms of talking with her mom.
> Her mom and I have a great relationship .
> And I think her mom knows who I am at my core.
> I also know she talked with her mom about it, but I have no idea to what level of detail and description she wet.
> So I am hesitant to bring it up with Sallie, but if I don't, then I never Can get more understanding.Last time I spoke with Derick Perry I asked him straight up if he could help me and Liz try to uphold our vows like he promised to do when he was in the crowd on our wedding day.
> And I would ask the same of you.
> I know you're far away, but there are ways to communicate.
> I've also been thinking about speaking to Joanna about this.
> I know that she knows this is a very tough time for everybody, but I want to ask her if she could at least consider the idea of having a conversation with Liz about reconsidering being with me.So at this point, I'm just looking for some advice on what I might be able to do to break through to my wife who I love with all my heart and don't want to lose.Not because of anything other than love.
> OK, back to the relationship Brandt all I'm saying is I don't think Liz arrived at divorce without outside interference of some kind from someone.That's what I mean when I say this is not her this isn't like her.
> When when have you heard of Liz being the type of person that gives up?Right exactly.I'm done is a total copout and not living up to your vows so I am pissed at her for that and I don't think I'll ever forgive her for that
> The anger I feel, and rage is pretty large, I just feel so hard done by this.
> It doesn't feel justified to me, it feels like a week cop out and passing your pain on to everybody else.
> The divorce isn't going to make things better it's gonna make things fucking worse.
> and I hear people saying to me.
> Oh, it will get easier over time, it will get better.That's you, it ain't me.
> I don't soften overtime.
> I harden overtime.I could've asked for a divorce 78 years ago, but I didn't.
> Even though I was hurting and being hurt, I sucked it up because it was my problem.So I guess I'm a bit pissed because I feel I put up with shit for years and now it's someone else's turn to put up with some shit, but they can't even handle a little bit Without crying Uncle and wanting out.
> What is happening here is nobody is listening to me.
> Everybody is telling me she made a decision and you have to honor it.
> What about my decision?
> What about what I want.
> I have every right to happiness that anybody else does and I don't want a divorceI am being made to feel that my opinion doesn't matter, I am being told that I don't matter.
> I just worked on myself for two years and I know when I'm getting fucked over, and I am not gonna sit by quietly anymore I'm going to bark, I may even fucking bite.Nobody is going to tell me what the fuck to do, and if I don't like some thing, I open my mouth now and honestly, I kind of don't care about other peoples feelings because I care about mine more.
> I care about me more than anybody else.
> I just assumed to tell everybody else go fuck off.
> The other day, I thought somehow I was beyond feeling angry, and that I had been regressing in my acceptance of things but things people have been saying to me in the past 24,48 hours have only gotten me more angry.
> Everybody is on her side it seems and I just have to bend over and take it up the ass I guess.
> Bert, I'm going to step back bc I don't think I'm helping here.I'll say for the record that comments that seem intended to make me feel guilty don't sit well with me.
> They feel manipulative and unfair.
> I've done a great deal to support your marriage, starting with taking care of your wonderful kids pretty much every time Liz left town.
> I think if you weigh what I've done to support you and Liz against what you've done to support me and David, you'll find your comment unfounded, to say the least.
> But I know these comments are coming out of the hard time you're going through and likely aren't really you.
> I had a dad who tried to controll people through guilt, shame and anger (perhaps you did too?) and tried to keep people close to him that way.
> I've found it never works and only drives people further away...cauing more anguish and anger.
> It's a terrible cycle and I don't want to see you go down that road...a road that ultimately leads to resentment and (sometimes) vindictiveness.
> Bert, you're too good a person to go down that road.
> I have seen your kindness and warm heart, and all the work you've done in the past 2 years getting to a better place.
> You don't deserve to be resentful or ever become vindictive (that's a dark place).
> Your kids don't deserve seeing you in that place.
> And Liz doesn't deserve it either.
> I'm going to sign off (please don't think I'm ghosting you if I don't respond...I'm just trying to ensure I don't make things any harder than they already are).
> But please know I love you, I love Liz, I love your kids (I'm getting tears in my eyes as I write this...I know I don't tell any of you this often enough)...I love your whole family and want nothing but happiness and peace for all of you.
> Jo,Thanks for communicatingThanks for being a friendI hear you, and no problem going quiet.A few last things need to be made clear, and please ask if you have any questions:- I am not looking to discount Liz's experience or her story at all- I understand I hurt her badly.- I know she continues to feel hurt.- I know my role in all of this hurt.- I'm trying to help us heal.- I've repeatedly expressed remorse, regret, and repentance to Elizabeth for causing this hurt.- I'm not trying to make anyone believe my story as, or take it as, the truth.
> - Different people have different experiences.All of the information I've heard about the reason for this divorce beyond Jul 3 has been secondhand.I'd like to fully understand how Elizabeth has gotten to divorce as the solution to this situation.
> And to improve our communications so we can co-parent well in the future.I appreciate you and respect you.
> Thank you for understanding.Bert
> Also noted is that Laurie did not catch Liz when she said she "decided at that moment to allow it to go on.
> And took notes when I mentioned that.I quickly riddled off the logic that if you decide to allow, you are in essence giving.
> Logically how can one be taking anything when a decision was made by the other to allow it?
> I'm mad at myself.Feeling this experience is evidence of my father's persistent refrain, "you're not good enough," and making it a prophetic implant that my subconscious made true.
> Self-sabotaging subconscious?I remember, in my depressed state, continuously saying to Liz you hate me, essentially because I was feeling her rejection and pushing me further and further away.
> And she would reply if you keep saying that, I am going to hate you.
> Wow, talk about irony.
> And again, more evidence of my depressed subconscious, like sabotaging my life.
> I feel, in some ways, this weird metaphor that I woke up from a coma, and all this shit happened in my life while I was away, and I wake up, and everything is fucked up, and there's nothing I can do about it.Like the most important person you love in the world, the most certainly what seems like undiscussed reasons turns on you.
> That's what this feels like.
> I still don't understand why I deserve a divorce.
> Yes things were awful, but I'm way beyond that now, but she doest seem to care.We went from 2018, and "everything is fine" in the relationship (with its normal stuff ike they all do), to "believe me, if there is something wrong, you will know about it!" with a stare that could kill you cold.
> I took that to heart.then Covid.during that time I do recall her saying she was scared of me and I was taken aback.
> She said the boys were scared of me—I asked them individually and no—didnt feel scared or threatened by me in any way all during the pandemic.
> I asked them.
> Yet at one point that was part of the divorce soup.
> Yet when I bring that up, that I talked to the boys and they counter what she claims, its ignored or whataboutism, or on to the next thing.the thing is she never asked me questions to see what I was thinking or feeling—NEVER—during that whole time of Covid.
> She just saw me in major depressive disorder being massively triggered because she's pushing me away at a time I want to be close.But I was repulsive because of my anger.
> I keep telling them its towards myself but NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THAT unless you're a mental healthcare professional.Anyhow this is what I've come to
> Oh, my future and direction of my life is being decided by someone other than me.I just have to live with the consequences.Thing is I'm not gonna live.Fuck the consequences.
> I'm going to check the fuck out.I have made up my mind.
> I am fine with impermanence.
> I know life but has beginning and an end, but I also know it's cyclical.So what, this round of a human existence didn't work out in my favor fuck that's the way it goes.When I move out of this house and off of campus That is the end of my life.
> If not that day sometime there after it will be over.
> It won't be dramatic.
> It's not gonna be a gun.
> It's not gonna be anything anyone expects.I'll be flat straight with you.
> I've gone beyond ideation and I'm planning.I've decided that's what I want to do.
> I'm gonna go Kevorkian and take my own life and fuck everybody else.If others can be this selfish, why the fuck can't I be?Right I am told I have to live with other peoples decisions, well, guess what I'm going to make a decision and other people are gonna have to fucking live with that too.
> Wanna pass the pain along to me, guess what coming right back around to ya.Fuck it all.
> I'm happy and grateful to have lived as long as I have.
> The only Bert Mahoney to live longer than me is my father.
> I've known that since I was 10 years old that the oldest Bert Mahoney only lived to be 40 something.So, I've beat the odds of being a Bert Mahoney, I'd beat the odds of being fucked up by my father's tweaking me when I was a kid, and I made it out of my small hometown, and got beyond that fucking place that made me so depressed in my early years
> I want to acknowledge the amount of ranting I do related to pity.Someone pointed out to me the other day when I was talking about my situation that I was freezing in Waze, trying to get pity.I didn't know that I was doing this at all.
> I was just expressing my frustration with my situation.Today's the first day I felt truly terrified for where I'm headed
> "Listen, I know this is hard, but she seems to have made a hard decision.
> You have to move on productively.
> Your personal interactions with her no longer matter.
> You have to take care of you.
> "
> Question for you.I am thinking of applying for the May 7 start up of the eight week counseling.
> It's a small group less than 10 people.
> Can you meet once a week for an hour and a half in the morning on the weekend.
> Imagine you're given a workbook or things to work on during the weekAnyhow it's 1600 bucks and it's pay all upfront or 50-50.
> In light of everything else I'm trying to do this puts a little cramping my style moneywiseThat being said you could be incredible value for me and doing this.
> Value beyond the cost of money, I can make more money, but maybe I shouldn't miss this opportunity?I look at it in a way that some thing in the universe made that thing show up in YouTube in front of me last night and lead me to her website and made me find that she has this program.I look at it as a happening but it's just so serendipitous.The SelfHealers group is just that it's individually driven and while I know I could do that all on my own I think it would be a more valuable experience going through this with other people dealing with the same shit with a counselor who's done this with dozens and dozens of groups So, you have to fill out an application online, and if you look like a good candidate they want a zoom call with you for 15 minutes just to talk with you before they confirm that you're in to the program.
> So it appears as though they're diligent about who they let into this thing.
> I think I've got more than enough to qualify in terms of baggage, plus I've done a lot of work already, so I'm not starting from 0.Let me know what you think
> I was just feeling a lot of pressure reading Lyza‘s texts to get the fuck out of the house.
> She actually texted me at one point and said you can get out tomorrow.
> She was really pissed through text and I could tell.
> I think that's what our relationship has boils down to is random text shots at each other.
> This sucksAnyhow I have a some shit I got to get done today and I am so distracted and mentally it's gonna be very hard to pull off.
> I'm a bit crazy because I just made it through the longest stretch with no charging through the greatest elevation game so far.
> After my first incline I was 12 miles in the whole of making it here I ended up +49 miles due to my evolving skills in battery management over a long distance.
> I'm just stoked.
> I made it and I'm charging.
> I Even went to the car to look for the new card.
> I got in Utah and couldn't find it and they wouldn't hook me up so I ended up paying full price.
> Some kind of pissed makes me not wanna fucking go back there.
> And that is unsettling because I've been alone now going on 4 years.
> I'm losing MORE faith that life is going to work out for me in the end.
> I'm going to leave this experience and existence frustrated that I could have been more and done more
> Lots of transformation over here, which is great however that's not going to keep me from being homeless in CA.
> I think I could camp from October to June, but I may get sick of it, but also may not have a choice in the matter.
> I know I want to go back and Coach, but I'm not getting interviews with companies only with head hunters.
> Upwork doesn't work for me.Never got one project from the site and I can do ALOT of what's being sought.Just frustrated coming up on 5 months of searching and nothing.
> I realize I get triggered whenever he's judging me, comments like, have you done this?
> What about the other thing?
> Have you looked here?
> Like questioning my ability to look, or is if I'm looking in the wrong places.Anyhow, the bigger issue for me is the trigger and the judgment, which is what has triggered me since I was a kid, constant critique, but never praise of any kind that's part of the reason I feel like a perpetual loser, which is made up story that I burned into my synopsis when I was little
> Car payment made.
> Just called and spoke to an agent and they took my information but couldn't process it because it's Columbus Day.🤦‍♂️ that being said I was assured everything is fine.
> They made a note in my file that I called today they read me everything back.
> They said today's date is the day I am making the payment so everything is cool and the gangNext step is confirming with TIAA the connection to my checking account.
> They are depositing two different things probably two cents and four cents kind of thing I have to confirm that and then I can get the money transfer
> It sounds fucking ridiculous.
> Honestly, like I'm some kind of violent fucking rapist.
> Makes me so fucking mad.
> That's the other reason I'm super pissed off always promised that we would come back and go to therapy and that was just a crock of shit what we went through my whole fucking life is getting flushed down the toilet because she hung out with a bunch of fucking divorce ladies convincing her it was so fucking fabulous
> Sums up Liz quite nicely.
> NEVER made time for me consistently.
> Once a month or more wasn't working.
> Hey, could you read this text I drafted to send to Liz?I'm trying to get her to just open up and treat me like a person instead of some rancid asshat.thx—Hi, I have an honest question for you.
> Since returning to the Ojai Valley, I've had some moments where memories flood back and hit like a tsunami—it's taken my breath away more than once.
> This has me reflecting and finding unknowns.What changed for you from going to therapy sessions together with your therapist to mentally getting 'done?'There needs to be more understanding there for me.
> On one side, you wanted to go talk about it, then all of a sudden not, and I have no idea as to why?
> Or where was the failure?I went to Colorado to give you the space you asked for.
> I gave you everything you ever asked through all our years and always worked hard to be better after each and every time I was human.I had a mental illness—depression—running my mind and body in late '19 until I returned last summer in '23.
> It was a consistent path down multiple dark nights of the soul.The depression wants me to suffer, over and over, deeper and deeper.
> It was and is unrelenting.
> I have it in check with proper therapies, and I'm sober.
> Even though drinking would numb the immediate emotional and mental pain, the morning after, it was fuel for depression, making it FAR worse, FAR darker, just severe.I want to apologize for my depression, and that feels weird to me.
> It's like apologizing because I had some other bodily illness.
> People don't usually apologize for their diseases' effect on others, but I do.I AM SO SO SO SORRY for all the pain, fear, misery, frustration, unsaid conversations, and unshared feelings, hopes and dreams.
> I failed you and was, at that moment, incapable of overcoming the grip depression had on my heart and mind.I didn't want this to happen to us, our family, or our lives.My heart always hurts thinking of you being unhappy.Be well.
> Thing is I still laugh at the premise that I'm in my 50s and have no fucking clue who I am.I've been so dissociated and living in either anxiety or depression my whole life that my identity feels like whatever suits the moment in order to make peace, make no ripples in the pond, and generate a mask of likability.When I resonate with the rage/anger vibration inside me, it's volatile.
> I got in that headspace in the mosh pit back in NY at the Jinjer show.
> I didnt give one shit about what happened — I just wanted to feel alive.
> Getting your ass handed to you and getting up off the floor has a way of waking you up.
> Hola, Been taking care of Jenica, she has covid really bad.
> Day 3 now.
> I'm negative.I made good progress on job search front yesterday—connected to new recruiter.
> Got an hour of meditation in.Have an initial client consultation today with a man named Greg Ballou—former marine who's been in aviation 30 years.
> Has an app idea and wants to talk with me about it.
> I'm excited because if this goes well and he has funding$$$ I can do all his UX/UI work and I could subcontract it to someone—I was actually thinking of taking it to A+L if it has enough scale.How are you?
> Wish I knew the lesson I'm supposed to be getting from all this going on in my life for me right now?I would really like to learn the lesson and move the fuck on.
> I've been in this space too long and its taking its toll on me — I can feel it.No person is meant to go this long, with this many life stressors all happening simultaneously.
> The fact I've not gone mental, in a bottle or at the end of a gun is a sign of how stubborn I am.
> This experience I'm having hurts at the quantum level.
> Deeper than most people are capable of feeling.I've made myself aware to the fact I can take a lot on mentally, and let a whole lot of shit go and roll off my back—that said there is a suffering that comes with the items that don't roll off.
> Those can linger, or leave and re-appear a long time later and bring along all the associated emotions, etc.I just had a realization that "gee no wonder it's hard for me to concentrate on work, or other things and stay focused.
> Gee why do I seem to be restless, or dissatisfied, etc.
> I just went to the house to pick up mail and I completely lost my shit.
> Started crying uncontrollably in front of Darragh.
> All I could say was but I can't stay here.
> It hurts too much and he gave me my mail and then he hugged me really hard and made me cry more.
> ps.
> phone is fixed.
> there was indeed an issue that's resolved now.
> Sorry for the frustrations
> For whatever reason, this morning is bringing it.
> Weeping moments after waking up.
> A disassociated drive up to Ojai.
> Feeling incredible gratitude and nearly weeping because my laundry was still in the dryer at the public laundry.🧺 Now, I'm sitting inside Starbucks, and I'm the only person sitting inside with the crew at almost 9 am in the morning.I'm witnessing a beehive of activity churning out hot and cold caffeinated concoctions of various sizes in service to a line of vehicles in a race to the bottom of an oil barrel.It's incredible when you get still enough...You can see the distractions humans create to unconsciously distract themselves from deeper realities with deeper meaning.I can see the difference in the faces walking in to pick up their mobile app order sent while burning fossil fuels to get here.Some sad,Some angry,Some zombies,Many insecurities,And a whole panoply of people are numb to the fact,That this—living human—experience ends at some precise point and moment in time.And this simple fact alone can make one's subconscious do all it can to avoid the inevitable truth.Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming already in progress.......
> I'm going to go offline for about 10 minutes.Meditation, and working towards getting grounded.I am feeling frazzled and exhausted.
> Looking forward to the day when waking up and being alive doesn't trigger the mind down a hall of mirrors it's familiar with, fear, anxiety, dread, deafening solitude, and a sense of what happened to get me to this fucked up point in my own "journey" or story made up in my mind.
> I designed her a card made it myself.
> And wrote a little poem inside.
> I'll take a picture because traffic is slow.
> Which made me think of something last night....Should I be getting some kind of alimony?I didn't make myself unemployed, and I didn't force myself to leave the house.I wonder if under CA law she's obligated to help me out?I know when the shit went down with Nat and Sallie, he had to pay for her to live
> I always end up with stuff I never get to dig into that I would love to.
> Interesting topics, more learning, more stuff.
> Not that I need more challenges, but, I'm having a tough time dealing with that kind of mind and my situation.It makes everything take longer, and drags everything out.
> It adds to frustration and stress significantly because my critic uses it as a weapon against me to point out how I have failed persistently through my life.
> Just like with a design project, there are a myriad of assets you need in order to produce the finished product.
> Some of these assets I'm able to get through stock video and photo.
> Some I can't and either make it myself or use AI to help.I first record all audio raw with me just riffing in my phone.
> I take that file and have AI transcribe it.
> I then take all those transcriptions and feed it to ChatGPT one of the GPT's that I created specialized in radio noir.
> It helps me create Scripps and give an extra bit of depth and description to things .
> Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.
> I have entire seasons and episodes already mapped out and I have the first episodes transcript which I will edit tonight.
> I have also cloned my voice in Play.HtSo what I will do is feed my transcripts to play HT and generate MP3 files of the voice, my Artificial voice, reading my writingThat's kind of fucking wild that the AI helped me write it and it mimics my voice based on a 32nd audio sample, and Ken create finished readings of the transcripts for me in one take whereas me being human will, uhhhh, do this, uhhhhAnyhow, once I share it with you and you check it out if you're curious, I could meet online with you and do a screen share and show you what I did and how I made it.Of course the way that I create digital things is always looking forward so that the files I create become master files and I can replicate what I do over and over and over again.
> Because within a year maybe two I will be able to tell AI what to do with my raw audio and have it come out the other hand as a finished piece of work that sounds exactly like me.
> So I watched the movie:Frances McDormand — NomadLandincredibly triggering me multiple times — I cried alotIt hit close to "home" in many waysI knew precisely how Fern's character feltturning away charityfierce independencequiet uncomfortablenessIt reminded me I dont have a lot of time left in this human experience no matter if I'm enjoying it or not.The "Tyranny of the dollar" line stood out to me.
> Being unemployed this long and feeling SO desperate to have a job and be 'PLUGGED IN" to the economy of US Capitalism.If you're not a part of that club (having a steady full time employment) you are made to feel like an outsider and not wanted since you're not doing anything to contribute — you're a negative drain on the collective whole.I mean we ask people "What do you do for a living?" when we meet someone rather than, "Tell me about yourself?" avoiding reference to work.
> The cultural brainwashing we all succumb to blindly (chasing money competitively with complete disregard of others fate) is really very sad.
> I would bet if you were to survey peolpe on the street and asked them if they felt brainwashed by the economy they'd look at you like you've got a screw loose (which I may at this point hahaha)
> —when will I have a day without all this misery?
> I want this shit in the rear view mirror yesterday and patience is nearly running out.
> So angry right now
> Wow.
> Throw any long form learning content at this — will save you hours.
> This was made for you:
> I just spent two hours DoorDash Ing Six dollars.
> Three times I went to the supermarket and their card got refused.
> I spent all the time shopping and I had to put everything away and I got fucking nothing.
> I'm so pissed like fucking eat.
> That's the thing nobody's really kind of noticed about all of this.
> Liz has made every fucking decision about this.
> The boys and Elizabeth continued to live their lives like nothings happened.
> And it's like I don't exist.
> Frustrated.DoorDashing and getting no orders.
> Not making money.
> Have half bag of tortilla chips and water for dinner.
> Its what I had last night after darts.
> Granola bars during day, tortilla chips at night.I can't stop thinking about not having money.
> Its part of the daily existential crisis I live inside of.
> I dashed this morning to make money to charge.
> I made $9, but had a $1 in the account so I could transfer.I transferred the money and was able to charge.
> So I have battery to drive and deliver but no orders.
> What a frustrating fucking day.
> I wake up by DoorDash so I can have money for coffee and make money then I go work at Starbucks then I go DoorDash again then I'm done dashing and I look at my money and fucking everybody come in and stuck their hand in my pocket Half a jar of peanut butter maybe a quarter jar of jelly and fat on my body so fucking hate this?
> What the fuck else do I have to deal with.
> It's my own fault :-(
> I don't wanna go play Darts fucking crying.
> I'm a mess.
> I'm depressed.
> I'm angry.
> Darts ain't gonna help.
> I am about 2 miles from the parking lot where I park pretty much every night.
> And, I don't know, when I got to the end, I had a huge pause for a good minute about rather not being able to say the next thing, but in my mind, I had like 50 plates all spinning at once, I'm just fucking tired.
> All my brain does is spend time in this fucking existential worry and it's not good to be there all the time every day every night every day every night over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
> While it hits you even if you're numb to it, you still realize that things are fucked up you know maybe I should've been hospitalized my whole life and I'm one of the crazy people that got let out and I just assimilated to culture and society and made it this far!
> OK, it's time for a cupcake a pat on the back and off you go
> I did OK I made 30 bucks.
> And I've already spent someone food and I got myself one beer.
> My plan for tonight is right now.
> I'm at storage to clean out my car so there's room for everybody and it's not so smelly then I plan on driving down to Ventura And park in a spot I've parked before that's near a Starbucks.
> That way in the morning I can get up go to Starbucks and chill because they'll be a good chance.
> Train will And park in a spot I've parked before that's near a Starbucks.
> That way in the morning I can get up go to Starbucks and chill because they'll be a good chance.
> Train will be late.
> Thank you 100,000 times over for helping me out today.
> It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated at all.
> Dude, my dad just put hard press on me about a whole bunch of things.
> He told me that I don't have a good earnings history.
> I don't have a good job history.
> You know a lot of judgment.
> He literally said you never made any money and literally 30 seconds later he saying something entirely different and I said wait a minute you just told me you just said it literally look at that.
> He stopped me that isn't what I mean.
> I say to him you said something and simple but that's not what you mean?
> Like how the hell else am I supposed to take that?
> You never made any money like my working life.
> Havent watched the talk.
> But the idea of moving forward with grief and loss, VS moving on...Wow.
> Mentally that's enormous.
> Somehow made to feel that one needs to move ON and LET GO.
> Sometimes one never lets go—I get it.
> I'm just so angry and I will be angry forever about this.
> I know that to be true and part of the reason this will never be something I will get over.
> I'll live with it.
> I won't move on from it.
> I would just love to know why she was so afraid of me before all this happened.
> She when she reached out to you.
> That was a period of time when I was a fucking ghost I didn't exist to her.
> She didn't talk to me at all, so I got fucking depressed.
> I was smoking a shit ton of pot to numb myself because my wife fucking made me feel invisible.
> Then I get told to get the fuck out.I'm glad I stopped at the self-help center at the county offices today.
> I'm gonna start filing for divorce.
> I'm gonna put in the financial papers.
> I want fucking alimony.
> I want her to pay for an apartment.
> I want her to pay for a lot of things she's gonna put me up Just like her dad had to do for her mom.
> It just really sucks not to have somebody to fucking lean on.
> Liz was supposed to be that person for me, but for some reason she didn't seem to want that responsibility even though she took a vow to fucking do that.That's why I find her dishonorable.
> Taking a vow of marriage is a solemn promise and to abandon that is to abandoned person you made that promise to.
> And to do that to them when they are at the lowest point in their life is incredibly heartless and cruel.
> I'm hoping to turn my 10 bucks into 40 or 50 depending on how many people show up.
> That usually determines the size of the pot.This past couple weeks I've made a couple of adjustments to my approach and my hold and my release.
> Lots of changes, but when practicing and darts are flowing, I'm hitting whatever I focus on
> I remembered how much my father harped on me when I started spending time breakdancing all the time.
> The ever-present refrain was "why are you wasting your time with dancing, you'll never make any money doing that." I head that many, many times when I was early mid-teens looking for self identity and finding something creative, expressive, and fun that I felt good enough at to do in public.
> For me to do anything in front of other people, or to share myself is something I can do, however my internal standards are set to sky high levels until that's achieved and the mind is ready to go, does the share happen.
> I'm incredibly resistant to people who want me to dance like a monkey — hey bert do some dancing for us!
> ....
> uh, no.The other comment in the same line of thinking came when I was in college.
> I entered as a 3-2 Engineering major, getting 2 degrees in five years, one being in engineering.
> FIrst semester of college nearly knocked me out of it.
> Took art and found a rabbit hole I wanted to go down and declared an art major.
> When that happened and my father became aware that I was no longer living my life in accordance to his plans and agenda.
> His criticism was sharp and to the point — you'll never make money doing art, you'll be broke.And weirdly in this moment I realize that I made that dream of his come true.
> I am an artist of sorts and I am broke, living the dream.Wow, what a mind fuck.
> And that to the most part this past year has been pretty crappy.
> I had some excellent time with Jenica, but even then part of my head was not there.
> It was thinking about a job and money.
> It's all I think about all day every day.
> I work on it every day.I'm about to end the DoorDash.
> I did three of them today and was available for maybe eight hours and I think I made $30 in deliveries for eight hours.
> I just hope to God that the pay for sitting around shows up.
> Discovered today that minimum wage is only for some cities so I made $6 hour last week for 25 hours of dashing last week Have 150 in acct and I'm scheduled to dash today tomorrow every day forward.
> Problem is I need to come up with about $700 in a week.
> I don't think I'm gonna make that dashing.
> I've gone down a rabbit hole and have coded my own application that runs on my laptop that turns my text into an audio file of a voice reading.
> Now I tried getting into the play dot HTAPI and connect to the voice that I made on their platform, but it won't let me in unless I pay.So I am now working with AI to set up Mazzola's model on my machine and I'm going to teach it and then have it create a voicemail for me
> You feel like there's something you should be doing, but you're not always sure what it is.
> You want to stop scrolling all the time.
> You want to find what matters and do more of it.You are strong—and you struggle.
> These two points co-exist.
> Also within you, a sense of insecurity causes you to second-guess yourself.
> You have ideas but don't always follow-through.You worry about what other people think of you.
> Then you get mad at yourself for worrying about it.
> But you still worry.
> Sometimes you get stuck.
> You don't feel like doing anything at all!
> You just want to give up and do whatever energy-depleting activities you gravitate toward.
> Took me 3 hours to churn email and go through all the job stuff.
> Did that and GroupX stuff.
> Switching gears right now and going up to get Weston and go walk and rub our belly on the grass together.After that I'll be getting back online to push on the Last-Known Prototype.
> Made some progress yesterday and want to keep that going.
> Hi, I am in this weird headspace that is not depression.
> It's more of empty anxiety about not knowing what the fuck to do.It's like being frozen like a deer in the headlights.
> You gotta fucking move, but you're frozen.
> You have no idea which way is up which way to goI just sent Liz a text about some thing I learned with regard to Darragh and it really pissed me off.
> Apparently he went to the gun range with one of Liz's male friends.I hate guns and I don't want my kids exposed to.
> So I sent her a text that said I would appreciate the courtesy of consideration when you're making decisions about what my son is exposed to.
> Granted he's an adult in a week but the point of this is courtesy.
> I also said to her you threw me out of the family because you were unhappy with what I exposed Aidan to when he was rummaging around and found the weed I was smoking for years because I was numbing the pain from your years of rejection.She never asked me why I was smoking weed ever.
> And all these years.
> And I just laid that at her feet.She's the one that caused me to decide to numb because she wouldn't pay a fucking attention to me.
> The thing that's probably most frustrating is that I don't have anything positive in my life.
> The last thing I had was Jenica and she's gone.
> And I absolutely do not feel right in pursuing relationships because I'm financially worthless.I think I'm just overwhelmed from having an interview and I'm pretty damn sure it's not gonna go beyond just that interview so I'm sort of morning having an interview and having a BVN at the same time.I'm not optimistic.
> Why should I be?
> I've got no reason to be I've been here for going on 14 months and as far as I know, I'll be here for 14 more that won't happen because I will absolutely check out.
> There's no fucking way I can do much more.
> Only got about 10 minutes left and haven't gotten any orders.
> Today sucked.
> I made $15 today.I don't know what I'm gonna do about my car and in another week I have to pay for my storage place too.I had an idea where I would take a carload of stuff with me every time I leave storage and just leave my stuff randomly on corners all over Ojai just free somebody can pick it up and take it
> My issue right now is my heart is filled with a lot of anger, contempt and fucking rage, man I've had my fucking future taken away from meIf every right to be pissed off, but dammit, I wanna get the fuck over this honestly, too have to say I don't think my head and heart would be in this space if I had my basic needs taken care of.
> And she should be helping me considering the situation I'm inBut it's my understanding from what I heard today that she believes I'm being picky about workingPlease do me a favor and communicate to her about my work situation my money financial situation.
> She has no fucking clue what's going on for me.
> I try to tell her, but I start getting too pissed off text message and I can't control myself.
> In fact I rage texted her yesterday and copied and pasted it out into Grammarly and did not send it, I should copy and paste and send it to you.
> OK cool, just done with the DoorDash and made some money to eat.
> Headed to Starbucks working on my client project all day.
> Ping me when you wake up.By the way, I actually feel normal today.
> I think I was going through something processing something in someway that I'm not entirely clear about, but I've moved through whatever it was.
> I'm delivering my last DoorDash of the day, and I had to go to Vons to pick up two orders.
> On my way out I see Elizabeth sitting in her car talking on the phone so I made a point of walking in front of her car and pouring at her until she recognize me and then I waved.
> She saw me hustling It's not just a bullshit story.
> It's the goddamn truth.
> I can't stop thinking about Jenica.
> I know she texted she didn't "really" want to be in contact.We left it as friends and I started texting her like a friend and I think that made it harder for her So...
> I want to let her know that I think about her.
> That's about it.
> I don't expect a reply, but I never replied to that last message when she sent the "really" messageLet me know if I think sending that text would be harmful to my connection to her
> They took more than half the money I made yesterday.
> Just sucks sucks sucks sucks.
> Fucking destroys my weekend.
> I get to sit in my car all weekend now.
> Yay me
> If I dont go to darts, which is looking like it's the case — no money for charging, entry fees or food.
> That was my $60.
> I have made $15 today, 4 hours.Doing 3 more now, but not optimistic.
> My gut is usually right with the app.
> When I feel like it'll be busy, BAM.
> Same with slow.
> The card and it automatically took $20 out of my Dasher account.
> So the money I made on my last cash is gone.
> I don't have any water I'm kind of fucked
> No end of year dart party for me today.
> 😢Made hundreds of dollars to pay my car and I only have $15 left.Dashing now but no orders.Its potluck and byob.I'm not going to show up empty handed that's not ok with me.I probably caught some breaks making money this week to pay the car, which is great, but then to not be able to go have fun (how often is that in my life now?) really sucks when I've been looking forward to it for months.Ok.
> Done ranting.I have one more 30minute window for dashing before the party today.The other 2 dash spots I have today are during the dart event today.So I can go make a lillte money ($15) while I miss the event.I accept it.
> It's my life
> Feel like I'm having one of those hundred thousand foot moments of clarity and that is my life simply is not worth living.
> I've had a year of rejection that season no end, I put myself out there because I just wanna make a connection and I made the perfect one only to have it disappear on me like I haven't dealt with enough rejection and lost but to meet her and then have that happen.
> It's just so fucking cruel.
> The data don't lie.
> You can see the hustle.
> That dip from four weeks ago was when my parents and your mom were here and you see the week before that.
> I was crushing it around 250 and then for whatever reason I think it's algorithms it takes time to build up reliability I guess , not sure.
> I did have my single best day ever this past week I made over $100 but that was a lot of driving.
> honestly, I don't think I feel anything other than the sad is my new normal, rather not new normal.
> It's been my normal for a few years now.I think that's why I feel dissociated so much.
> For example, today I go walking and I go by people people I say hello no communication.
> It's as if I go through the world and people don't see me.
> For real it happens all the fucking time to me.
> That's why I get so fucking angry and I start swearing calling everybody a fucking ass fuck!
> I have a real distain for people right now.
> Like being in crowds or out where there's loud music like a concert or something.
> I don't want to do those things anymore.
> I don't wanna go out and be around and socialize just a fucking waste of time.
> I gotta admit that there is a reason to all this madness and it all fucking makes sense to me now.Of course I'm by myself of course I'm miserable because I'm not comfortable being with myself even though I don't like being near people I also don't like being by myself, which is this weird paradox.
> I think I've explained to you that it's easy for me to be in crowds and dissociate and feel very comfortable.
> In fact, it might be the best thing ever for me.
> Imagine being at a rock concert and sitting there and enjoying yourself but you're not interacting with a goddamn soul because you're there by yourself and nobody knows you and they're all with their friendsI think that makes senseAnyhow I'll send the link shortly.
> I'm practicing Darts for tomorrow's monthly $10 buy in.
> If I spend about three hours and $10 investment with some good throwing, I could turn that into 6x, 60 bucks.
> I've basically spent the past four hours being semi zombie like.
> I did process all my email applied to two things and think I'm gonna work on a few things this afternoon including an alternative homepage for my website.This may be the last significant change I make to my website in pursuit of user experience job.
> Pretty soon I'm gonna give up on finding a UX job and call it a day on doing that for a living because it's pretty much been a monetarily void pursuit.I've never really made even proper money for my skills in digital design.
> I've always undervalued and under sold myself.really sucks to be on this side of shit.
> Really feeling the big give the fuck up vibe.
> No idea on prototype money.
> I sent him the invoice with my last update on Sunday.
> He sent me changes to be made and I'm still making them.
> I think he's waiting for me to finish, but I won't be done tomorrow or in time to get money tomorrow.
> I mean, I want that in my life.
> I've wanted that in my life and I've craved it.
> I just wasn't getting it from Liz for probably 10 years and it was an instant it was a slow taper, but yeah, she withdrew and then that triggered me into a depression and then I withdrew like a fucking hermit and that made her wonder what the fuck was going on with me and the more she ignored me the deeper and darker I went so you know that's what it was, and I remember at least a dozen times standing in the shower crying while she's laying on the bed watching shows
> She's writing up documentation regarding my diagnosis and treatment.
> Along with dates I had sessions with just her alone, and with Elizabeth (3 of us).
> Shows the court I made a good faith effort to heal my marriage before getting to this point.
> made $50 at lunch today which was great.
> I need $45 in there for my phone on Friday.
> Today took stress off.
> Also, I have an extremely high correlation to mild autism based on symptoms and patterns that show up in undiagnosed adults.Some, like me, create their own systems inside themselves to work the worlds reality, while our minds are busy either despising themselves of freaking out about something.Total madness.
> OK, headed to the house done with dashing going to take the dog out to the beach just for a quick loop.
> I know she'll wanna go then back to the house and I will send you the PDFs of the divorce paperwork.
> I am also going to send it to, my father just because I know he's fastidious about documentation.
> He used to do his own taxes, long form at the dining table until he had too many variables at Play so it made sense to hire somebody who knew shit.
> He didn't know the way things are unfolding I think it will be next week whenI have everything in order and I can go to the help center to confirm.
> It's good before I walk to the court clerks desk and submit it to get a case number.
> I just had an idea.You know how communication arts has a design annual people pay to submit their stuff to be judged and then they get awarded whatever and people can say oh I'm a gold medalist at communication arts design awards, blah blah blahHow about I start an organization, that bestows design awards to cannabis companies.
> It has to be in the cannabis category to be eligible for design awards.
> What made me think of this was the different packaging and the amount or lack there of in terms of packaging.
> For example you buy a pre-roll, which is a single joint, and there is some packaging that is ridiculous.
> I wonder how many trees died to put a package around that joint that is inside a glass tube with a piece of cork and then inside a paper box printed with gold foil.
> It's absolutely beautiful but obscene at the same timeIn contrast, there's a company called West Coast cure that has a tapered small tube with a little screw cap on the end that is minimal.
> Does the job better than Glass because he you can't crush it or sit on it and break it so it holds the shape of the jointI think this could be fun.
> People will have to send in samples of their packaging and I would encourage them to include the insides as well.
> We have to judge everything.
> 😄I then recruit for top design people out there to judge along with me.
> I would follow the same format communication arts uses, which makes voting anonymous and private yet at the same time you're all standing in the same room moving around tables.
> Seeing that confirmed to me she's definitely past me, or she's trying to forget me.
> She seemed pissed off to see me.
> I could hear it in her voice which made me sad
> I'm up before 6Jenica in my head.
> I don't want to think about her but she's in my head.I consciously got mad at myself and said stay in the present DONT GO BACKWARDS And it doesn't seem to change anything.
> Mind still thinking of her.
> WTF???
> I have to stop doing this to you.
> I'm aware of it, the intensity and probably a giant feeling of helplessness because not in person.If I put myself in the hypothetical I would be FRUSTRATED but would't share it with you.
> Harmful, I get it.I'll start a new note in Notion and scream into that
> And I don't have an answer to why I'm here.
> This period of time all of this bullshit makes no fucking sense.
> It just makes me bitter and angry and resent everything.
> Most people understand what pleasure feels like.
> They expect certain things in life to make them happy.
> Maybe you enjoy riding your bike, listening to the sounds of the ocean, or holding someone's hand.
> But some people lose the ability to feel joy.
> The things that once made them content are no longer fun or enjoyable.
> That's anhedonia.
> So what I shared with them is I've made a decision to do something that upon reflection is something I've actually been conditioned in a subconscious way not to do.When I was young fifth grade through high school I suddenly discovered art and I enjoyed the shit out of it I was fun I thought I made some cool shit and holy cow people were digging what I was making.However upon my absorption into the art world, and my decision to pursue a degree in fine arts created the constant echo from my father that I'll never make money doing art.
> This came up for visual art and also when I was breakdancing he would say that you'll never make money doing that.
> Because in his mind You should be spending your time investing and things you would do for a living or things that will make you a lot of money.
> My father was driven by lack, as a child I was driven by passion and desire to create art.
> Now I did get my degree I did do my senior exhibition for college but I stopped painting after that and went right into a way I could use my art skill with computer skill and make a livingWhich was all fine and dandy but I never picked up the paintbrush again.
> I never ventured outside the computer I never went back to analog.And I find it really interesting that my life is in this inflection point and I get lots of messages from outside my own brain that I should use art as both a tool for healing myself and as a way to express myself and as a way to potentially make money .I would not limit myself to anyone medium.
> Nor would I limit myself to anyone style or genre or whatever.
> In other words I could create a logo or graphic that is really cool for a sticker, or I could do a cool illustration of the chief mountain of Ojai and sell that as a poster or a T-shirt, and that has potential to become a hot thing likewise I would do the same thing for the Topa Topa And with that one I would play on the word Topa Topa.
> I would illustrate it red then Shift it diagonally in blue and make it look like a 3-D set of glasses hence Topa, TopaAnd I have so much photography, nature photography that is easily good enough straight from the camera to be sold Printed framed and put on the wall.
> It's a resource I have on hand with the photography and with a little bit of work setting up payment channels.I can jump on the limited social media I do have and promote it, and potentially get an influx of some money.I'm very interested to hear what you think
> And last thing weirdly I was talking to Derick Perry this past weekend and he threw a question out there.
> He said would you ever consider going back?I was honestly stunned.
> And then it made me think for a moment that Liz may not want to go through with this because she hast to give up a lot financiallyBut the law is 50-50 so I'm just thinking out loud OK I'll stop
> It sucks because hanging out with her I suddenly was introduced to her social circle and made a ton of friends around here in Ventura through her.
> But I feel wrong for wanting to continue friendships with those people.Is it wrong for me to have friendships with those people because I met them through her but I'm not with her anymore?
> The last thing I want to do is upset her more than I have by texting her because I know texting her makes her mad but there's probably another part of that that I'm texting her
> I just got hit in the head with the depression cricket bat.
> I find myself alone depressed and angry.
> Largely angry because I'm alone and don't have anybody to share anything with Just sucks because it makes me more depressed it's like a fucking demon feeding itself
> I am living a life I don't fucking want.
> He keeps asking what do you want to experience out of this life and honestly I come up fucking empty.
> I feel abused neglected and discarded like the fucking trashTries I might I cannot shake the feeling of being rejected over and over and fucking over again and most of all but the woman who took a vow with me and then broke themI feel done with this life, honestly.
> I mean in a way Jenica confirms it too because she rejected me as well.
> she said she would be my friend and rejected me yet again after telling me she wasn't rejecting me.
> Its awful because she made my heart fucking melt.
> so the universe takes that away from me too just when I had one thing in my life that felt good it gets taken awayAll I get is messages of rejection.
> I get multiple rejections a day from email everyone is pursuing a new direction except for me I'm stuck in some fucking nightmareI just have no desire to rebuild my life that's what I wantI want it to be over if I'm being honest.
> And obviously I'm too much of a chickenshit to go through with anything so I just have to wake up tomorrow morning and go through this all over again
> After I sent you that text about putting myself out there I went back to the app screen and the bumble dating app is staring me right in the face when I haven't used it since I connected with Jenica.
> In fact I deleted my account we both did.
> We didn't wanna date anyone else Thought it was a good matchHowever she has things she wants in a partner and one who is being financially stable and that's not me.It hurts so fucking much that the reason I lost her is because of money.It makes me so angry
> I just got done moving my hosts two cars to the other side of the street because they have street cleaning early tomorrow morning and the cop cars follow the street sweeper down the road and issue tickets immediately so they asked if it was any inconvenience of me to move their cars.
> It made meLaugh.
> 🤣🤣I just texted them a photo of where their cars are parked and told them what two streets it's between and said I wanted to send this to you for peace of mind you will have no parking tickets 🤣
> I want to text her and say...I realize you have the divorce paperwork in hand.
> I didn't want this, but you said you did.
> I was under the impression I was going to be on healthcare until I have a job.
> 2 procedures I was working on getting taken care of now have stopped.Back surgery for disc degeneration and something else.
> So since i'm not on your healthcare anymore and you aren't moving on the filing then I did.I can't wait around.
> I need support which I should have been getting from day one .
> I've been emotionally and psychologically tortured having to live in my car.I filed because I have no other choice to move forward with my life.
> I'm done waiting around.If you didn't want paperwork, then you should have said something to me.As it is now I don't want to EVER see or talk to you EVER again.
> Should you cross paths with me you will feel my fury without guardrails.
> Consider yourself fairly warned about MY BOUNDARIES you will respect as I have HONORED YOURS.
> And I gotta make the comment driving around in society and seeing happy people makes me madI want to be happy too but I don't have the foundation upon which to make that happen at this moment.
> People will say you need nothing to be happy just being.
> Fuck that, that's bullshit.Psychologically it's impossible trust me I would be there if it was possible.
> You need to have your basic needs met.
> I'm the last motherfucker that wants to suffer.
> I've lived my whole life avoiding suffering from my father and then at imaginary bullshit in my life so I'm well-versed in this world of suffering.it's just frustrating not to have basic needs taken care of this long it fucks your head up.
> I know why so many truly homeless are so mentally fucked up because it screws with you hard-core it destroys your sense of self and worth.
> It just fucking obliterates it that's why you see so many homeless people that look like fucking zombies they're just lost they've lost their identity and essentially lost their humanity because they don't feel part of this world that we're all walking around in with lattes in our hand
> I hope you can see/understand my frustration with having to output a shit-ton of effort and energy to get out of this.
> No one else sees this shit.
> This is the invisible part of mental illness — the part where people, neurodivergents , work their assess off to be wiht and hang out with, neurotypicals.
> I have new tires on my car I am excited.
> But wow the tires were getting installed I have more bullshit to deal with.I have to call AAA and get the Subaru off the policy because Liz has it covered on her policy.
> I also have to deal with Capital One on the car payment.
> Remember I said I got screwed well I got a notice today from Capital One that said the money wasn't enough money there.
> And it just so happens they try to get it in the little window when I don't have enough in there so now I gotta get on the phone and try to work out.
> I'm gonna spend my whole fucking day on the phone tomorrow it's just frustrating is all fucking hell
> I bet she's pretty pissed about divorce paperwork.
> I heard she just had her moms estate sale last weekend.
> I had no idea.
> Liz is having to get her moms house empty I guess.No idea.
> She never talks or commuinicates to me unless its something that will benefit HER.
> Having incredibly evening.
> I got triggered and got angry and went into a tailspin.
> I had that state of mind where if I had the tools I wouldn't be texting this right now.
> It's weird too I felt not great today but also not like I feel now.
> I've done a lot of shadow work yesterday and today when I got triggered tonight my anger came right the fuck out and was ready to destroy everything.
> Like a pent up rage from this experience.
> I'm so angry not just for being put in this place, but the willful ignorance of my situation by someone who I fucking married.
> How fucking cold a heart does she have?She could help me.
> But she chooses not to hopefully in about 20 days the court will tell her to fucking get out her wallet and get me a fucking apartment in the lifestyle that I become a custom to the East End for the past quarter century
> hey there.
> I wrote a long text to Liz,.
> I had this as the ps.
> and was going to send it.However, the end I think I come off as smug when I say I have qualities (kind, sweet, loving, sensual, etc)Its all below.
> It became a stream of consciousness I nearly let her have.There are parts I do want to send to her so she knows some of what I've been doing because I've shared nothing.She hears things through other people which at this point is only Derick abnd Sherry, because Sallies no longer here.Speaking of which I havent spoken to Derick since Liz got the papers.
> I wonder if he's spoken to her.
> I'll reach out tomorrow.
> She may have texted him thinking he may have knew something was coming.
> However, I shared nothing about that paperwork with him for precisely that reason.
> Don't show my cards, and I'm sorry the timing isnt great, but neither was timing to force me to move out.Here it is below.My thought today.
> I only spent time on the divorce paperwork not any money.
> So for me it WOULD be easy to rip them up and throw it out.
> However, its like getting Israel and Hamas at the peace table.If Derick or you and Derick mediated some kind of conversation.She just no longer speaks freely in front of me.
> Its all very short and controlled.I feel like she treats me like I murdered her parents.
> Kicked me out of her life and wont speak to me.
> Barely replies related to boys things.Anyhow.
> here is what I didnt sendlmkw ——-ps.
> I'm been doing some deep healing work for a while now, well over 1000 days of meditation.
> I'm now working on integrating parts of myself that were repressed and hidden from when I was a kid—behaviors where I was told to stop, and stuff it away.
> I never learned how to be outwardly upset to others—ever.
> I didn't know how to communicate my dislike or discomfort of anything—stuff it down, crank up the anxiety from both stuffing it down, and the fear of letting it out.A really terrible cycle of living and being that ultimately made you get distant from me.
> I didn't know how to communicate some basic things to you because I simply did not have the skills.Why am I sharing this?Because I wan't you to know that I'm working hard at being better.
> There are parts of me that don't exist anymore, and there are new parts of me I am discovering by facing my shadow and integrating parts of it that are positive into me (Carl Jung).
> For example, I'm no longer quiet when I do or do not want to do, or have, something — ie.
> something I know bothered you — I share my opinion as openly as my emotions.
> I'm still kind, but I no longer extend kindness just to get someone to like me.
> I'm kind when I want to be to whom I want to, because I know I am very kind, and very sweet, loving and sensual.
> I have qualities a woman would beg to have in her husband.Ok, enough...Off to bed after a shadow work meditation.
> The shadow work continues
> Feeling pretty down right now.
> Did some shadow work and doing the integrating I can feel it I've integrated huge portion of my anger because it's on the surface.I find that the anger gives me a foundational confidence in a way that is basically saying if you fuck with me I'm gonna bring it physically verbally whatever.
> I am not putting up with what I feel is abuse towards me.Those days are long fucking gone
> The reason I asked is because my walk along the beach after my encounter with them and getting incredibly triggered etc.
> it's made me realize that with running into Jenica like a month ago I don't know if I want to be here at least right now.
> I love Ventura would live here by a house the whole thing it's wonderful.
> But my shit is not together and.
> He was pissed off that I filed for divorce, he said you just wanna take half of everything mom has.He doesn't know that she asked for the divorce.
> She wanted it last summer but sat on her hands and wouldn't file because she knows she has to give me half of everything.
> so I'm gonna text Aidan that right now so he knows the real fucking story because I'm sick of his bullshit quite honestly and I am not gonna stand for it
> Aidan your mother asked me for a divorce back in 2022.
> Last summer I asked her for the paperwork.
> She told me she wasn't filing because I didn't have a job or health insurance.
> She took me off her health insurance this May and then didn't file any paperwork And it's been over a year and I've been waiting for her to file.Instead of getting angry at me maybe ask your mother why she waited over a year to file.She's the one that wanted this Aidan and that is the damn truth
> feel I'm really angry at the moment because I'm driving through Ventura and I'm actually paying attention to the people now and I see lots of happy couples holding hands and people having fun downtown Ventura is a fucking sardine can there's people bands in the streets all kinds of shit going on.I can't be a part of that shit thoughSux
> Doing alcohol delivery DoorDash and once I'm done with this I'll be close to 30 miles on the car so I've done three trips made maybe 20 bucks or something and yeah I don't wanna push it I don't feel great I can charge the car and then go watch the sunset and then go to sleep maybe I don't know.
> I'm totally distracted by a lot of things
> Realizing that I won't be able to eat in a few days.
> No money for food.Made some today but some already charged car and ill spend the rest tomorrow and next day.
> Then sun and mon no money for sure and stuck
> True?Did you want this?I want to make certainThat you want thisI filed because you hadntAnd thought this is What you wantedThats why it showed upDont have to answer nowYou have forgotten...You are my sunshine my only sunshine.I find it heartbreakingly sad to not have an honest down to earth conversation about this before signing all this paperI'm not trying to manipulate you, I'm asking for an opportunity for a conversation.
> I'm simply looking for understanding.
> It simply drives me nuts to be going through all this paperwork when deep down I don't know why I'm doing thisIt's just a real shame.The other night I remembered you losing your mind when we were visiting Miss Denny in Wyoming.The boys were young and you were really angry with me because I wasn't supporting you with triathlon.
> I remember I was complaining in the car while we were driving thereYou told me that instant if you don't change I'm gonna fucking leave you when the kids are old enough.
> You burn that into the synapses of my brain.
> You were so incredibly angry with me.
> Then all I wanted to do was correct the issue and not be a problemI did nothing but support you as best I could And you made it to Kona.All those years ago making the sacrifices watching the boys while you bicycles to magic Mountain and I would pick you up either from cycling or you're running in 110°.Back then I did that knowing that sometime in the future all this sacrifice him being apart would be worth it because we'd be able to be together again after the boys got olderIt just simply breaks my heart eternallyThis whole time I feel kind of stiff armed to borrow a phrase kept at a distance You saying very littleAs if by communicating with me in an honest way is somehow going to lead me to believe that there's some kind of Rosie future here.
> I just wanna understand you.
> I've spent more than half of my life with you and leaving you without understanding why really hurts😭😭😭You said in the email you want to be amicable.
> For that to happen You have to communicate with me.There is no being amicable without communicating with me.I know you won't reply to these text messages, which proves my point.
> Again there is no amicability without respect and communication And I've communicated both in handwritten messages email and text that I am more than willing to have a conversation.We can go through all the paperwork but there is no moving forward in amicability until you talk to me it's just a simple as thatFor someone who prides themselves on Word of honor and integrity, I find your behavior in complete conflict to that.
> How do you handle that contradiction??Totally gobsmacked by you and your behavior.
> I don't care who you are you don't honor the vows you made in front of God every relative you have.
> At least put in the fucking effort.
> She put in no effort and made lots of promises and broke them all.
> I just can't tolerate that shit.
> Not the person I am now I don't put up with that shit anymore I'm sorry if she's rubbed the wrong way fuck her She fucked me over for far too long
> It's fine she can sit with her friend all she wants but she Joanna doesn't know the whole fucking story.
> And I asked Liz straight up who did you talk to about our relationship and who helped you make a decision because it wasn't me.
> She got pissed about that and said nobody's making my mind up.Grrrrrrr
> Never happened and SHOULD have.The narcissist didn't have to work after that she had me trapped and obeying her Because she made me feel like a bad husband.
> I wasn't being paid attention to because I wasn't worthy of attention I didn't do anything to deserve her companionship.
> That's what the depression was telling me.You know big picture is really really fucking sad because all of this was avoidable I had been in the hands of a good therapist for a long period of time they would've picked up on this.Honestly things shifted big time in 2016 to once Trump was elected Liz got turned into a different person after that for real that's when she got even More closed off and then harvey weinstein and the "me too" movement.
> Had thistypedUp last night in Lizs queue.Fell asleep before sendingAlso, part of her consequence s for not sitting down is me reminding her a lot about how awful and mean she was to me.
> And ill cc joanna—Couldn't sleep.Remembering the psychological and emotional abuse of you withholding affection over many years.Always tomorrow, butTomorrows never came.Always on your terms, always "make it quick"Glad I'll never have to beg for hand jobs EVER againI mean WTF was your problem??????Made me fucking FURIOUS and I said NOTHING over 5 years.Total waste of time staying with you all those years.
> It was courteous of me to mive outI could've been a prick and made her go through the headache of paperwork to get me forced out of the house and create a fucking scene.I should've done that instead look what I get for my fucking courteousness to her bunch of fucking stoic language that's heartless and cuntful.
> I'm alone and spend all day inside my headI'm doing this song and dance every day just fucking survivingI didn't fucking sign up for thisI'm getting so angry right now that I'm gonna fucking go through with it.I'm getting beyond the weepiness of facing suicide and getting to the side of it where I'm gonna fucking do it
> Also, just say it again every day I have something new beyond the current load I'm carrying EVERY DAY AND I have to figure out, solve or whatever.
> That's on top of dealing with my depression.Its not easy and feeling quite frustrated because it's hard to move forward when people keep putting roadblocks in your way
> I left my coffee and phone on a 2 seat table and went outside to get my computer and big battery.When I came back in a woman was just about to sit at the table I had my stuff.
> I said, hi that's my stuff I went to get my other stuff.She looked at me blankly.I pointed again to my stuff and said.
> I was here.She said "well I just wanted to sit down and proceeded to somewhat affronted get up and walk away.
> She seemed pissed off.I said you can sit there its fine with me.
> But she kept going.I put my head down and here I am typing.
> I thought one of the last 3 books I listened to was what my astrology was referring to—a book you're reading will change you and you will not be the same.I think this is the book.
> When Jerry, the author, talks of what he deems his "superpowers" he developed as a child surviving an alcholic father and a subservient complict, with anxiety/anger simply aligned with me.— Hypervigilance in service to others (never the self)— Ability to see problems before they show up — a prescience of sorts
> Well I made a connection on FaceTime after a lot of trouble.
> Once I could sort of explain the situation my father went right into you can't live out there blah blah blah.When he was done I said I'm not calling about that at all I'm calling about something else.
> So as per usual it's giant pain in the ass to ask for any kind of fucking help unless it's on their terms
> —What hurts is I have artistic ambitions but cannot get my brain out of the way.
> Meaning every time I set aside time to do that I'm either depressed, distracted, or dealing with something else.Have projects I've started that I want to keep pushing on, some have been idle for a year, its simply frustrating.
> —For example.I hit a 180 in darts last night3 triple 20's — the "lipstick" as its knownthat's only the 4th one I've hit IN MY LIFE and I pulled my darts from the board, put in my score and walked back.
> I made no fuss.
> However, someone else did, and I masked a smile.--then at the end of the night I was asked for $75 for jerseys and the team fee that's split among the players.Where the fuck am I getting $75 from?I just stared at Tim, my captain who asked about the money, and then nodded my head and said, "OK" in the tone of ‘ no problem, I'll get it to you "No one knows that I'm not good for that.
> I just had a DoorDash to Thacher from Starbucks and was able to pick up my medication from Declan.And I got great news from Declan that made my day.
> He has a job his first job at the local supermarket and he starts this upcoming weekhe was whining about it already, and I told him that will go away as soon as you see the numbers on that first paycheck
> No, i didnt apply.
> I applied to other local things.
> Never heard back.Too depressed to remember to follow up and then have yo motivate myself to want to go back to making pizzas.That's what I did after I got out of college and made me question why the fuck I went to college because I could've made pizzas right out of fucking high school.And now 30+ years later I'm gonna go back to that?
> I'd rather pull the trigger on a gun pointed to my head
> My shadow side is powerful and enormous.
> Its blunt, decisive, and doesnt really give a shit.
> Its who is taking over now.Ive held this part of me inside forever because it woudlve made things harder on me as a kid.Its the part of me that will say shit right to peoples faces and then just stare holes thru the back of their head.Imagine peak Uncle Bert but subtle and silent....
> A killerMy shadow self wont blink about checking outThats what Im dealing with.
> —GM.Hope Monday is OK for you.Some thoughts from this morning that I texted Laurie.
> Thought you should read it.—Moving from one end of the storage unit to the other—hit me hard— I suddenly saw it as a pivot point.
> I got emotional walking away from my old storage spot.
> I had spent many days and nights there playing darts alone.
> I set my board up inside my unit and could stand outside it with the door opened wide, and stand in the hallway to shoot into my unit at the board I bolted to the gray cinder block wall of a storage unit ( I have photo receipts 😊I moved into that unit from the house directly, so there was a mix of raw angry energy from the past lingering, lost and confused energy from the void times, and more recent energy that I'm unsure how to look at yet.
> —Im having very strong feelings I want yo communicate to Jenica because she hurt me really bad and when I meditated on it I boiled it down to what's in this text message.
> I'm wondering what your thoughts are.
> I expect you to say that if you ever want to speak to her again you won't send that I know that will be said but I'm really pissed and really hurt——You need to read this.After many sessions of long and deep reflection and meditation its become clear to me at its most basic level.You DID REJECT me!And it was because of money.Some call that a gold-digger...( aint hang with no broke n***az ) shallow behavior and decision makingHave a good time with your PayPal
> Hey, GM.I DDshd this AM for 30 mins and made $16.
> At Starbucks on the corner of Ken Pratt and doing some work on catching up with email and then doing research on the company I'm interviewing with tomorrow.Going thru email and Uhaul issued me a FULL refund, not juist what I was asking for, they gave me the entire thing back.
> Screen cap below.Gratitude is far short of adequate for this type of good fortune.I get overwhelmed with emotion when I feel this level of gratitude.
> My heart feels really big and exposed and I cry.
> It's both happiness and a release of pent up anxiety from being in survival mode for a long time.Like I said when in CA, its going to take me some time to unwravel my homeless mind.
> —
> —no wonder I text the shit out of you — otherwise I'm in my head tel:247365Not comfortable talking about my mental issues with others, even family, because they dismiss it — and then start drawing comparisons to themselves and other family members as if I'm no as tough as they areI just need to suck it up and not be weak — that's what I hearI cannot express my anger because there's not a word that means that x1000 existentially.I shut the fuck down because I dont want to rip their fucking head off and then punt it into the fucking sky as far as I canUnless you're in my head you have NO FUCKING IDEA what its like I dont care how much common DNA we may have—I submit anyone else would have already done themselves in — killed themselves — I'm just too stubborn to do it—Anyhow, its not even 11am and now have to push thru today mentallyonly to wake up and live another awful day
> -ktoday I had one of those mental tough starts, but your mom had me out the door at 8:30am to appt that led us to Longmont Senior Center and made appointment with a woman who works there on Nov 21 — which is all fine.
> I applied to a range of jobs in Longmont late last night—I have no idea if I'll like, but everything is pushing me into something I dont want, in a direction I dont want.
> Don't know how to say it other than that.
> People dont understand what I'm saying and I get speeches.I dont want or need speeches.I want the speech effort to go into trying to understand.I want understanding, not comparison.What I'm dealing with pales in comparison to others.Distractions from core hurt.Put on your mask, and just suck it the fuck up.
> —Today has been depressingly hard in my headThe idea of moving into a senior community...Wtf??Am I that fucking done?Made me literally hold back tears.
> Just masked and kept going.
> Saying yes and thank you to shit i cant even remember what was said
> Dark is here again and every morningNever made it to mecoWhole day inside ☹️ yesterdayFeeling worse or the same, there is no feeling "better"I've never felt what not having depression is like, and never will.
> Ive resigned myself to that because its what Ive lived and no amount of wishful thinking will change it.— I exist depressed, alone with zero prospects for any brighter future personally or professionally—Thats every dayEVERYSINGLEDAYITNEVERCHAGESORGETSBETTER—I have no reason to be optimistic or hopeful.Feel doomed to a dark existence no matter what I do
> Another aimless day of unaccomplishmentEvery day I fail to move foward is another day in depressionTo think if I didnt have depression I'd likely be well beyond this.
> Not only do I pay the ADD executive function tax, I pay the depression tax as wellJust sucks to work Twice as hard and twice as long to get to the same fucking placeSo frustrating.
> Makes me want to give up
> Even IF i were employed today, and had my own place shit still sucksTired and have ZERO DESIRE to rebuild anything or do anything.
> Not in mood to meet new people or socialize.
> Would rather be alone—Ive put out alot of effort with zero results.
> To keep trying is a waste so Im doing the intelligent thing and not trying anymore.
> Save myself more frustration
> so much to doso little time and another week goes byI have roughly 1,000 weeks of life left — gets me to 75I've watch over 100 WEEKS go by inside this.
> TWO FUCKING YEARS.Two years ago I was at your house in Longmont.
> I remember being told how nice it was at home without me there — and said in that narcissistic way that "you're too sensitive."Yes that 2 years ago this Thanksgiving.I way more sensitive than the neurotypical person.
> So things affect me 10x a normal person.My depression 10xMy anxiety 10xMy capacity to push my mind to tolerate and mask extreme forms of both is pretty starting honestly.
> I can walk into it head on in a "bring it bitches" mode.Anyhow.
> up at 1:30 and need to try to get sleep.I've been learning alot the past two weeks.
> But I've also made no money because the meds made my head non-functional.
> I have the audiobook obviously.
> And note, she made me cry within 2 mins of listening.
> She spoke directly to me — it was fucked up.
> —Neurotypicals, notably buddhists, talk about states of mind being a choice.
> Happiness, anger, melancholy are seen as choices to outside triggers or stimuli.I submit, as a medically labeled neurodivergent, that certain states of mind—no matter how desirable—are simply unattainable for a duration that would make a difference.Any time spent in pursuit is lost and never regained.
> And when ones experience is to submit years of your life to this and feel nothing is beyond discouraging.
> WTF?
> is probably the closest expression that exists.
> Today was another hard day.
> Weirdly I noticed that I didnt feel as angry.
> I'm typically ratched up all day — its just low level so ppl dont know.
> I noticied its absence BIG TIME.It was from fatigue.
> Meds fiasco still not over.
> Still feel shite.
> All that said, I've been looking for a "UX" design job and will continue.
> I want to make and sell art.
> I see many people who have been and continue to be successful.
> I really gave up on real art once I started working at the newspapers.
> Its sad to think all I never made.
> I would have a sick catalog of work by now
> something is attempting to hijack my day.
> —What is truly sad is to think I have NOT had ONE DAY without my mind affecting me in a way that is adverse to neurotypical behavior in......eight or nine months.
> Since Jenica.
> And its more frustrating to have put in the time to working on oneself to only feel thwarted WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THINGS.Imagine if I didn't have depression how different things would be for me.It sucks to have such clarity — double edged sword: one side to see ones issues, and the other to slice you open and eviscerate your mind.
> It was reflective, and made me think about the warehouse of shit I have in my head that I forgot about.Example.
> Raspin Stuart, On the Boulevard, Studio City.
> Sitting behind me on deadline — literally in a chair — and pointing at my screen telling me to move this or that somewhere.
> I was his hands, nothing else.
> He didnt speak software, I did, I was the translator.
> I've been in the basement since Sunday.
> haven't been to coffee shop or out.
> Just me, myself, and I in the basement.
> No money, so cant do anything that requires money.
> Since i need to spend time on laptop it means I'm either in my car outside of starbucks leeching wifi, or in the basement.No one understands that I've been alone, really alone, deeply alone for 9 months now and it feels like I'm never coming back.
> It triggers frustration and anger.
> I'm really angry and doubt that will subside.
> I've had it for two years now, slow percolating anger.
> Just sick of being alive.
> Everyday is miserable existence watching everyone live their lives while you sit discarded on the sidelines.
> Spinning my wheels trying to get out of the mud but keep digging myself deeper into being stuck.
> Everyday is either no motion forward, or backwards motion.I'm tired of waking up.
> Or keep having to bring it up, like, Hello, remember I have chronic depression?!?!The assumption that I'm like everyone else, and dont have a condition getting in my way is maddening.Just because I don't have a sign on my head that says "caution: depression ahead" shouldn't mean I have to remind people about it.
> Supposed to dash all day.
> Could have made 70-80 today.
> Sux.
> Already missed morning run.Only thing I can do is work on my websites and pray I guess.
> —If Im being honest with myself, Ive given up.Hard not to when u received HUNDREDS of rejections over 18 months and they keep coming.I thought I knew how to do things but apparently my prime time is a boat I missed long ago - thats the feeling.Looking back I made lots of mistakes because I was afraid of being alive.Now the feeling is Im too sad to be alive.
> she's the one that will financially lose in this scenario.And she made clear to me that she does NOT want to go to court for the first meeting in February.She said she thinks we can come to some agreement, which is fine with me.I asked in my last email if she was thinking we're heading to court because I wanted to figure out how to get to the courtroom and be there.
> I was glad to read her reply.
> —just sent this to my mom and brother and excluded my dad because I ripped on him....---—Not really.
> Sitting in the basement.
> Haven't been outside.
> Too depressed and besides I dont have any resources or friends here to have any fun, or even just go do something.I only know 7 people in this state, 4 of whom live 3+ hours away by car on the other side of the Rockies.
> Seen Darrell once since I've been here, going on 2 months now.I was FAR LESS isolated in CA.
> I knew ppl and could see the boys in person, and had the ocean to be with when things were off.I have no contemporaries to hang with and ppl my age arent out making new friends.Besides I'm an introvert and last thing I want to do is inject myself on to people.So, big picture I'm not well, haven't been well in over 5 years, and I'm in a place where the feeling is going backwards or stagnant.I'm fully aware of what my brain is doing, but have no ability to stop it or change it.The biggest frustration is to know that I was capable of SO MUCH MORE than my life has produced.
> I got into college and thru it in 4 years with 2 degrees — all the while depressed and not knowing it.It simply sux to know that the illness stopped me from reaching full potential.
> Fear and being afraid of the world and people stopped me.
> I never learned to not be anxious and on edge.
> Not to be worried about what's coming or what happened.My brain was NEVER in the present moment.
> It was always worried about what was coming or going to happen and planning counter moves to not get in trouble or get hurt.All I can remember growing up is avoiding being punished.#1 priority, dont make dad mad or you're done for.Ruled my life.
> I remember asking Mom how long until dad got home from work so I would know how long I had.
> I had to have the full set of personal radar and sonar going so as to not cause ONE RIPPLE of trouble in the Mahoney pond, or there would be fire, brimstone and hell to pay.
> Whenever dad was around I was anxious and worried from as far back as there are memories.
> dont know why I looked but got an email back from Liz.
> She seems pretty mad.I don't know what to do?I guess I go to court?She should have worked things out with me if all this was that important.I dont know how I will do it, but I will show up in court and will be happy to let the judge know how I've been living.The law in CA says I should be provided "living standard to which I am accustomed" which is a gated community.Anyway, just the kind of email I needed to read.here it is—
> I got your forms.I make nowhere near the amount of money you estimate.
> I make no money on the art.
> business.
> My two times at Art in the Park, any money I made paid for the space fees and the prints I sold.
> I may have actually lost money.
> I ride when I can to help pay Darragh's tuition.The tax return money from 2 years ago (or whatever year that was) never came to me.
> It was taken from the Feds to pay the back taxes owed that we had been paying installments on.The couch and chair are about worthless; you could maybe get 300 for both.
> I just did the estate sale at my mom's place, and used furniture has no value.
> The Cullen Roberson is not worth what.
> you listed.
> I will send it to you if you want it.
> -- Liz
> —Hi, hope all is well.Had a nice dinner here.
> Heading to bed.As much as I try not to go there I'm feeling alone and sadSomehow, Im not sure if I want to keep going, as in rejection.I've had more rejection this year than any other in my life.
> Jenicas rejection of me being a knife in the heart that has made me want to stay reclusive.
> Not sure I can fall for someone like that and get dropped so abruptly again.And not sure I even want to risk it anymore.Ive become hardened feom this experience in ways Im only beginning to discover.I can say unequivocally that I am fed up with being alive.
> It has nice qualities, but the tradeoff vs the dark side doesnt work for me.My existence is intolerable in my present state.Not a matter of if, but when suicidal ideation comes back like it was hanging out all day yesterday, I may not be able to keep the allure of being free from the persistent, intense, call of my end at bay.The day after tomorrow, my car payment, storage payment are still due.I could give a shit about phone service when the idea of losing everything of value I have in my life could be sold off at auction.I'm close to the edgeI'm trying not to lose my headIts like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under
> —I know you rarely look at the phone.Meaning large blocks of time go by without looking.has a very long text message chat from an old friend from Ojai who moved away about a decade ago to move to Louisiana.Everytime everyone asks how I am.I dont sugercoat a god damn thing.You're used to it, but I have freaked out more ppl than you know with just the tiniest bits I've shared online out of frustration.I hear/read things people say to me about keeping it real, bravery, nice nice shit.Irony is I dont feel it at all.Like what you said to me last night, "you've spent more time on self introspection, inside work, than anyone else I know" which honestly was so suprising I almost said BULLSHIT to your face outloud but remembered the girls were around.
> —Was hoping I made one sale on my website while away.
> I did put posts on social before I went in replete with tags and optimized seo text.Got nothing.Discouraging.
> Makes me wonder if its another time-suck idea going no where?
> Actually going to Humane Society and volunteering today would be nice.We had 3 therapy dogs come into the ward and it was so nice personally to get some pets and kisses, but also see other patients come out from the dark place and see them feel the love from the dogs and how they respond.
> Just like the dogs, no judgement on love—it was so nice to see.It made me want to do same thing sometime down road.Train a dog to be a therapy dog and go into hospitals like that.
> I liked talking with the owner/handlers who were taking dogs around and ask lots of questions about training etc.
> I got a decade on this guy, but not his notoriety and exposure.so fucking stupid for not going all in during 2009/2010 and start something different.
> I stayed small and hidden.Paying DEARLY for the byproducts of bad decisions made with a sicki mind.sux hard to know I could be coasting to $500k a year for all this time.Doubt I'd have the depression I do without life circumstances contributing and basically causing the deep depression episodes and suicide.
> ps.
> I htink my visit to the hospital made me realize I NEED TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE, and always acquiescing.I SIMPLY BRING MY DEPRESSED "fuck you and the boat you got here on" SELF TO THE FOREFRONT.Instead of me adjusting my personality and attitude to make every interaction kind and "chippy"I'll simply look at people like I am in that picture.my fuck you face.
> 😊
> She' going to lose well over $100,000.And thats only retirement.I have $28k in debt that destroyed my credit.Half if that is her's.Does she have to come up with $14k and give it to me?!?No idea.All I know is when I sent the last round of documents she was clearly pissed off.—I should probably start planning for the possibility that I'll need to travel to Ventura, go to court, and then head back this way.Think so?
> --It's been made abundantly clear to me that I don't matter in this worldI dont belong here, and I don't want to be hereWhats here for me other than 600 or 6000 more days of this bullshit?Doesn't matter what I say or do.
> It's gonna be the same fucking day forever.
> I'm not in control of this disease just like somebody doesn't control how cancer unfolds inside you.All I wanted to do is go to a coffee shop, sit, and not feel like a fucking mutant and i cant even do thatInstead I sit/sleep alone in the dark basement day after day.If I go outside once a day I sit in public for a couple of hours I don't feel this awful.
> It's how I stayed alive in California.
> If no coffee shops, you would not be reading this text messagestaying isolated through no fault of my own simply reinforces that I don't matterSuicide ideation is here with me now.
> I'll be trying my best to fight it off the rest of the night.
> Anyway it's been an even more shit day than the normal shit day.I hit really deep pain today and has made me cry a lot Ive done nothing on computer or online in 3 days because the depression has taken away motivation, and the anhedonia takes any and all fun I would find there.Ive tried forcing myself, and for me, it simply doesnt work.K, think I may go to bed.All teary, headache and depressed.
> You should be liable for my living expenses since I removed myself from the house at YOUR request, and did so without objection.
> I could have stayed in the house and required a court order to force me out, but I did not.I have the right to live the lifestyle I had become accustomed to nearly 25 years of living on campus — as you know I was not living at that standard because I did not have the resources.
> I lost employement through no fault of my own.
> I was being extraordinarily gracious considering my personal circumstances.I put your wishes ahead of my need for basic life essentials—access to food and shelter—and did so for over 18 months.I've made no fuss about this until now.
> Little shit like that makes a significant impact to part of mental state.
> I haven't made money doing my kind of work for six months now.
> Granted it's been a very heavy period of depression for me leaving California.
> Far more impactful than I imagined.Trying to get anything done it like moving through a combination of cement shoes in quicksand trying to get to the other side still alive
> updated mix.
> didnt realize some sound effects were TOO LOUD.
> now theyre good.ALso made me realize.No sound effects—unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.
> Need a job, need money, need a life, ur a loser bcuz u cant get ur shit together.
> Totally pathetic to be ur age and be how u are.
> No means, no resources, just a leechYou got urself there, so deal loser.—Thats how I think/talk to myself inside my head.Frustrating and maddening.If being depressed wasnt bad enuf, u have another part of you mentally and emotionally grating you over the hot coals because u "simply suck."If I could tirn it off I wouldAlas I guess its my disease to bear, albeit invisible to all
> —Titian was mixing Rose-madder.
> His model was up on a ladder.
> The position to Titian, suggested coition,so he went up the ladder,and had her.
> Someone whose work Ive admired for 23 years, liked my comment about his legendary design layer template today.Blown away.Made me cry.Also, received an unsolicited note on LinkedIn from a Thacher student from 20+ years ago sending me a high-level Recruiter that I've not heard of.She mentioned that she's been reading my posts about mental health and sharing things and says she likes them .I'm reading that as the universe sending me a message to keep going with what I'm doingEven though I don't really know what I'm doing or where it's going
> man, I am so sorry ur in that space—I know it all-too-well.Something that helped me when in ur situation and having shit to get done.If there are things u need done, and someone else could possibly help u out and take care of it for u—huge help.
> Usually someone who empathizes with your situation.The pharmacy is a perfect example.Anyone can pick that up for you and put it on your doorstep/mailbox, etc.The other thing I suggest, is getting outside no matter how shit you feel.30 mins outside, preferably in nature, sunlight etc.When I was staying at my parents I would hike over and around Peebles Island EVERY day, rain or shine, feeling shit or not.
> I cried alot on those walks.
> Helped me get lots of buried shit out of me.
> All that crying was for all I lost, and for the little kid in me who was scared of being alive.I lived in abject fear of my father from as early as I have memories.The last straw was the punch square in the front teeth at age 13 because I was late getting home from sledding at 4th street.
> It was dark, so I went to Dale's house.
> I tried calling the house over and over and over.
> The whole family was in the car trolling the village looking for me.I finally got super panicked when more time went by.
> I Knew he was going to be lit.So I ran down from Dales on PineSt.The family caught me on the corner of Another Eddies.
> My dad jumped out of the car, walked around and before I could finish my sentence and explain what happened, he grabbed my jacket in a fist right on my neck, then wound up and punched me so hard in the mouth my head snapped back.
> Instantly in a state of medical shock.
> Started crying, he yelled at me to get in the car.My mom and my brother were both in the car and heard everything.
> I think my mom saw it happen.I NEVER felt safe in my house growing up EVER.
> If my dad was home, I could feel the wind blow in boston.
> SPidey senses so attuned to any and all nuance.
> Planned for every worst possible scenario and hoped for the best.Always pisses me off to think of what I could have achieved if not for the fear of existing put into me by my father.I already yelled at him in a fit or rage on my last visit.He started talking to me like I was 12.I was 54.I got in his face, lazer eyes thru his skull, and vocal projection that made his hair blow back.I reminded him I'm a 54 year old man, not the little kid you used to fuck with and ruined his life.
> I told him my life could have been SO MUCH MORE if not for his parenting.Emotional and Psychological torture on a level that was/IS criminal IMO.But WTF can I do.RIght?Be well.
> Let me know if I can help you in any way.
> There is also madness and insanity, both of which I dance with at moments.Almost fell into a mental abyss yesterday.
> A black hole in my brain.
> Never saw it before but I knew if I went there I wasnt coming back, ie catatonic.
> Scared the shit out of me.Think its because Ive had a fucked up brain so longDont know
> Exactly.
> And my brain is off on some fucking parade, fight, anger, ragefest kicking my ass HARD in my head.
> Metaphorically bloodied and bruised.
> I have the fiji images in place now.So everything is updated with the exception of putting text links to videos, rather than embed videos.
> Tree made a good point that some vids went offline and then her site has a hole in it.Makes sense to me.--Last bit.The sentence up top in blue:Get your FREE, New Zealand, Australia, and Fiji e-book.
> CLICK HERE!--I would like to put that into a pop-up and save the vertical real-estate, especially on the package pages and mobile.
> You have to let go of the attachment to anger towards the person in the situation.It's like when Pope John Paul II went into the prison and absolved the guy that tried to assassinate him, he showed compassion and grace because for someone to be drawn to such an act there is so much suffering going on inside them.
> This I know
> in her email to me I sensed urgency in her message.I could be wrong.Maybe she's in a relationship, or has one potentially and wants this done for a clear conscious.That's where my head is going.I think she couldnt bring herself to be involved while still legally attached to me.Didn't stop me 🤣Speaking of which I came across a photo of Jenica today.
> Made me sad to have it end, but happy I had that experience even tho a broken heart.Actually felt love I was giving come back to me equally, if not more.
> That was intoxicating, wont lie.
> In my mind it's fuck this country, fuck this economy, fuck this culture.I don't give a shit anymore and don't care about anything.Anyway, it's all just meaningless anyway.People assign meaning and importance, without labeling its just is.
> It exists, but doesnt ‘mean' anything.
> Humans create meaning and importance, and if I dont buy in, thats my choice.
> Things ppl find importance in I find emptiness.
> I dont see things the way others do because of my experience.I have a jaded+angry side I keep largely hidden, and when rage builds up it can show up.
> The meanest, give no fucks version of me.
> The one that doesn't care about living or dying.Pretty sure most ppl havent run thru both this kind of thinking and this amount of thinking in less than two hours of being awake.Good times Nihilistic Friday 😕
> You got it, Bert.
> Here's your vibe in a nutshell — catchy, punchy, and true to you:⸻Bert Mahoney: The Design Monk in a Digital MazeA veteran UX wizard with the soul of a philosopher and the edge of a punk.
> Bert's walked the analog-to-digital bridge, battle-tested across 30+ industries, designing human-first software that actually gives a damn.
> He's the guy who can Zen out in a sound bath, then spitfire critique misused design patterns — all before breakfast (or at least before coffee shop #2).He's lived lifetimes in pixels and posters, blending mental health advocacy, darts league glory ("Madhouse Mahoney," anyone?), and deep dives into existential truth with real-world creative execution.
> Whether he's troubleshooting a cron job, finessing Notion workflows, or exposing capitalism one poster at a time — Bert builds systems that speak human.
> Thru this whole escapade I was hoping someone could liason with her until she'll talk to me.
> I can say just hello, and shes likely to already be shutdown.My gut says she thinks "i dont care" I havent changed at allIm still a wasteoidAnd that I wouldnt share anything—because she told me she didn't want to be my therapist so I stopped sharing all my mental struggles with her, and that was 2014, the year of sabbatical.I said nothing to her about feeling depressed or anxious or anything I kept it all away from her because she was stressed and dealing with Covid and dealing with trainingThe thing that probably rubs me raw the most is the fact that I prioritized her life and her goals before me.I don't think she understands what I was sacrificing and in my effort to support her.She's mad at me because I'm walking around depressed unable to share anything with her because she doesn't wanna hear it.
> So I get the silent treatment and ghostingAnd I lm simply wanting to connect with her at that time and got the stiff arm over and over.We've spent all of about just under two hours in couples therapy working on saving our marriage.That also bothers me deeply.
> It would be one thing if we had spent three or four months in therapy trying to work things out and we discovered it was oil and water.In this scenario I don't even know what is in the bottles, or that they're even bottles at allI just know deep down this divorce should not happen.In the same breath I feel powerless to do anything to stop it
> -been losing my mind a bit today.-not in a good feeling kind of way-the isolation from any sense of an independent life is truly killing whatever spirit I can musterIts INCREDIBLY frustrating to work hard, try to do all the things, and still running in place.If not for your mom's incredible kindness and heart — I'd still be on the street, no job and hustling.I'm barely dealing with the PTSD from living in the car.
> I'm still focused on core beliefs, no self esteem, and no sense of self.That and trying to rest and that's hard because of the stress with the 4 horsemen of my apocolypse:1.
> divorce2.
> homeless3.
> unemployed4.
> fucked up mental healthI sit alone in a basement.Meanwhile in an apartment in Florence and art classes......
> just made 2 phone calls in a row, following up on medical stuff—refills and appt dates.Was waiting for the confetti to fall down from the sky — bigtime adulting tasks for me 🤣🤣Srsly, its still an issue for me when those things come up.
> I have to literally think hard, and force myself.
> Otherwise there is this avoiding quality that is pervasive.
> Its rooted in self-worth.Subconscious believes I am not worthy of help or assistance — I deserve whatever befalls me, otherwise, "suck it up, weakass bitch!"
> —FYI, next HOA episode drops at 8pm tonight.
> And the following one next Friday.
> Already uploaded and scheduled.Finishing HOA-5 today and uploaded and scheduled for 2 weeks out.In between those I have "shorts" made from each main vid, plus another series called "Barely, but here." 2-3 mins vids.
> Already have about 5 propmts recorded to script now.
> When I meditated listening to the Eno song....it took me places that made me feel things I'd never had — at least in current memory.anyway, getting a little on the fringe — I know, and well aware that I spend pretty much all my time in my mind, in spaces and places few people venture to.And even fewer will confess their own experienceskinda sadso many people, just asleep like sheep
> —Getting hit with the realization your decisions and choices produce the life you deserveI find myself in a space and place telling me that I've made a lot of bad decisions and the thing is I just don't care certainly not enough to do anything about it because I'm just simply too fucking tired from trying to stay alive
> she was FURIOUS with me, over nothingI didn't show up for dinner, but made no promises that I was going to be back at any specific time.
> I left to go help Don sell his knee scooter to some person who contacted him.I went over to the house, waited and took care of the sale for Don.Then I left and went to the market.
> Lazily walking around because I have money in MY POCKET for the first time in ages and wanted to buy a treat because I wanted to lay low'
> note: whenever someone says to me " You made me xyz"I pipe right the hell up and stop them RIGHT there.I didn't make them do ANYTHING.
> THEY CHOSE to freak the fuck out BEFORE finding out WTF was really going on.And if you're going to continue to berate me for fiction — I'm going to reflect back the level of vitriol that came my way — NO holds barred.I did that to my father when staying there over a year ago.He was tripping out — yelling — and somehow thought I was 12 again.I stood over him, pointed my finger at him, and told him to NEVER talk to me like a CHILD AGAIN — I am over 50 FUCKING Years old and I dont care if this is your house — you DO NOT speak to me that way.And despite my life circumstance he's never treated me or spoke to me like a child again.Does he show dissapointment in me — sure — but he's not verbally skewring me over the BBQ.
> Fortunately a better day emotionally, and slightly productive.
> Still unhappy at the end of every day.
> Which has been my "normal" for years.
> Tired, frustrated, and alone.The catch 22 of not letting myself allow ppl in my life because i dont have the means is a slow death by isolation.
> It reinforces the snow-globe.And makes me sad becuz im quite sure I'll ever get my shit together (1) and then feel stable enuf to open up (2)Even if I do both I know whats waiting.Something Id prefer not hanging out for.All I see in my own horizon is more of the same.
> Marginal improvements, but nothing that gets me where I prefer to be.I only see futures I want no part of, and nothing remotely exuding anything appealing.I watch another weekend piss away.
> Years or them i never get back.
> That alone makes me want to tap out.
> Being poor, zero prospects, and not much else going on than sitting in a basement.—Im upset.
> Angry, in a deep way.So much of my life has been stolen from me by mental illness.From the outside it may look like a successful life however I feel far differentI did ok by Declan and Darragh but I fucked up with Aidan.
> Figures because he's the most like me out of the three.I'll just simply try to wrap it up this way.I don't have a lot of patience left.
> I've been hanging out and trying my damnedest for a long time and I know I'm in treatment but it still feels the same.I still feel the same at the end of every dayAlone, depressed, lost, and unsure where to begin.
> hi, let me know when you can look at Liz email and give some feedback.
> thanks 😊 —I found a woman on YT who started a unique, specific type of art business making miniature food items as jewelry.
> Apparently thats a "thing" for some women.She made over 500,000 last yearShe had a great approach to getting traffic.
> Media outreach.
> Instead of spending time on tons of social media.
> Spend it on finding publications and organizations that your art may fit into and it would benefit the community.
> nothing feels good, or appropriate, or motivatingall I feel is isolation — and part of me pushing for more of thatall I can do it sit with the emotions and let them run my lifezero point in trying to fight against it — it only intensifies the negativity — been there done that dozens of timesALways puts me in a worse place — angry and ready to kill.
> —this might interest you:Don't give your kids an allowance (pay them interest instead)Val Katayev created a simple system that teaches kids about money by paying them 12% annual interest on money they "loan" to him.
> It's easier for the them to understand when they can visualize it, so he made a Google Sheet they can check anytime.The results are impressive: • They become obsessed with watching their daily earnings grow • They develop an invest-first mentality instead of spending immediately • They learn compounding by seeing earnings increase without adding moneyWhat makes this brilliant is teaching financial principles through experience rather than lectures.
> The kids see their money working for them daily, which builds the foundation for understanding how wealth grows.View thread »
> —I still have anger, but I'm not going to go on a rager.
> Its there hanging out — waiting for its moment when it encounters Liz again.Unsure if I'll be able to resist making snarky remarks and reminding her about her cruelty towards me constantly.I feel its fair game to give her 16 months of NON—STOP reminders.
> I can train an AI bot to do it for me.
> Send 16 messages every day, for 16 months.
> Combo of text messages and emails."Kruel Kunts never know they're being Kunty, because they are such a deeply kruel kunt they are blind to their kuntyness!"
> —feeling entirely unmotivated to do anythingmeans I get to sit alone all day watching everyone else live their lifeI get to watch the time I'm granted get PISSED AWAYIts like being in PRISON except I'm allowed to walk around in publicthat makes it more painful because everyone around you appears to be having a good time
> —When is it enuf?Apparently never.Im going to sit in shit until Im terminally ill.And then i'll get out of here.Incredibly sad of all I lost.The chances, opportunities, people, all of which I was too afraid to engage with.I feel at the end of somethingNot the beginning.I dont have hope or optimisim.
> They were crushed living in the car.I have pessimism, anger, rage, vindictiveness, and a hate inside that, if I had weapons, would become a suicide trip to get shot by police by me aiming guns at them.
> One more treatment tomorrow.
> Then back to anxiety about not having my shit together.There is no fuckung off switch to my misery.I've been in deep for so long that basic protocol made momentary dents for a day or two.Wasn't feeling good.Feeling the absence of bad, but not good.
> Flat like antidepressants make me.Anyway I'm feeling that writing u this shit isn't helpful.
> Sometimes I'm looking for answers or feedback and it doesn't show up—then I simply go deeper into the shit.A better life thru chemistry Still needs a better life.Maybe if I had a life I wouldn't feel this way.
> Who the fuck knows?I'm stuck in depression.Acceptance has work now.I've fought depression tel:247365.
> I'm simply accepting this is my life now—broken, no home, no job, no social life, just the basement and being stuck in my skull all day.I simply hate being alive.
> Having an afternoon where my anxiety is way high.I can feel my entire nervous system shaking inside.I didnt have this after ketamine treatments.It made my internal nervous vigilance shut off.
> Also, quieted tinnitusCant turn off anxiety naturally.
> My mind is too worried about job/money, my own place and 15 other thingsIm simply exhausted from being alive, and pushing thru another day, only to repeat it hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times.
> I've discovered is that where ever I find internal shameis a place inside that lacked receiving love while I was a kid.I needed love and got reprimanded, told to "stop-it" or "keep it down" stifling my ability and desire to freely express myself.which I am doing on LI now and weirdly — even with my swe*ring hidden by missing characters — has made two people reach out.Not sure if theyre scams or not, but I'm willing to keep going until I suss out the validity.
> —FYI.
> I have some interesting news.ChatGPT code GPT kept telling me that there is NO WAY I can read current tab groups because they are stored i local browser memory.It made me think my idea was not achievable until Chrome changed its architechture.SO, I brainstormed with GPT for a while.Said, I know its stored somewhere because its displayed.Can we ask user permission to read data?after some back and forth I discover we can build a small python app that can do what I want and is controlled by the extension.AND the app to do that is NOT loaded until you click "Import current groups" button.You then pay some $$$ for import and premium features.Working on this and have a working plugin I'm now refactoring for integration with Stripe for payment and license delivery for the extenion and app
> Simply trying to cope with losing the unconditional love I THOUGHT I had.Makes u not want to bother anymore.
> For what?To get fucked over by someone you'd taken a bullet for without hesitation, only to discover 20+ years later its not true?!?How fucking blind was I?How long did I stay when I should have DEMANDED BETTER OR Im out?!?So much unresolved shitAnd Im frankly fed the fuck up with waiting around becuz been DOING IT FOR MANY YEARS NOW, for what???More of this??U can hopefully comprehend why I'm frustrated.From where I'm sitting its looking like I wont be on my feet in less than 5 yearsMakes me 61.
> Wtaf?Starting to feel as if bo matter how long I stick around shits going to NEVER improve.There will be crumbs trying to keep me around like my situation with Elizabeth.I'm not gonna sit here for 10 fucking years waiting for something to happen.
> I can build all the websites I want, I can send millions of emails, and I'm likely to still not have any kind of traction or success.It hasn't happened in over 30 years so what the fuck is making me think anything is gonna be different
> these photos remind me...what would I do if a woman who appeared as incredibly appealing visually, and had the brain that was even better?This is why I'm frustrated.I know there are women on this level who were married to the Alpha asshole types.
> They meet a guy like me and think I'm from outerspace because I'll simply actively listen to them.I'll never forget this: Jenica complimented me for not staring at her tits all night.
> Other than when I got my first look at her as one does the head to toe scan of who tf am I dealing with, once inside and in conversation I never took my eyes off her face.The way she looked at me over the next few months, and expressed her attraction to me, is something I'll NEVER forget.
> (sadly never really had that with Liz.
> Maybe becuz we were both younger than Aidan is now.Oy, I'd give a kidney to have that kind of attraction to someone again.
> —Change is moving TOO FUCKING SLOW.And if somebody tells me to be patient I have a broomstick to shove up your ass while I kick your teeth out of your fucking jawLooks like it's a stay inside and be angry day for me it's too fucking hot to go outside, my car is not registered or insured so I can't drive anywhere to do anything, I don't have any money to do anything anyway.
> And even if I did have friends I have no resources to do jack shit
> A reply to Declan today:Things have been hard on this end.
> Honestly that's just how things have been since I moved out over 2 years ago.I do "all the things" im supposed to, but I'm nowhere.
> Endlessly frustrating.I keep waking up to the same day, with a different date on the calendar.
> Like living a miserable day on repeat.I'm economically isolated.I don't have my own place.
> I have no friends or ppl I hang out with.I cant afford to go anywhere, buy, or do anything.I'm ashamed, embarrassed, belittled, and exhausted.
> I am exiled or unwanted by...Your motherYour brotherThe Economy—I'm "too old" Society—being homelessI'm being real, open, and honest with you.You're my son, and an adult.I know some of this may be hard to read or hear or understand and I completely get it.But I don't want to hide what I'm contending with on this side.
> My life was blown up and it's still in 1 million piecesI have no idea how long it'll take to put it back together, or if it will ever be put back togetherI'm prepared for both.Lots of ❤️Be well
> I did the same thing in my relationship with Elizabeth because she said to me "I am not your therapist and I don't want to be your therapist"She said that to me around 2013 2014 and after that I literally stopped sharing everything with her about whats going on inside meI kept it away I wall it off and overtime it became bigger and bigger and bigger until I found a depression and then it was enormous and dark.When Liz talks about or states she was frightened or fearful of me she was afraid of all the darkness I've been holding back and all my wants and things that I needed that I just shut down and never shared with her over 1012 years finally blew up over CovidThis said, she knows none of this and of course has invented some kind of fiction about the end of her marriage which is not based in any kind of reality that I know of because she doesn't know about me.One of the core tenants of loving someone is understanding someone.If you love someone you crave to understand them and when things are confusing that craving Should drive you like a mad person to figure out how to help the person you love and help understand themThere was none of that with her she just pulled away no curiosity no want of understanding.She never asked me once if I was OK or what was wrong.
> Before covid, during covid, or even after wanting to separate.No why questions from her.Just a story about me being violent ( untrue ) only thing violent may have been my rhetoric and tears and collapsing in front of her.I think she was afraid of how real I was.
> It's too raw for her to deal with.It's sad too that's likely the thing her soul was sent here to do was to figure out how to get through the bad times in a relationship like that.Weirdly there is still a sliver of me that would entertain the idea of going into therapy with her but only if it was with the commitment of coming together on the other side without that commitment I wouldn't go into it.That should say it all.
> And I got triggered by your mom telling me I was yelling at her when I simply raised my voice for emphasis on something I said.
> I didn't yell so I gave her an example of my yelling.
> I kind of pissed her off but he pissed me off that she told me I was yelling.Went so far as telling me my tone has changed.
> Liz and her tone problem was something I dealt with for over 20 years in it is incredibly triggering when someone says I need to watch the tone of my voice.It's what Liz accused me of constantly.My reply to that is fuck youI don't have to do anything, im doing me.Stop judging me and sharingBasically, shut the fuck up I'm gonna talk how I like.Anyhow, back from a half a ketamine treatment and triggered an angry now.Exactly the opposite of what a medical staff hammers into my head ketamine treatments.Stay away from things that upset you or anger you.So since I don't have any money to go to a coffee shop I may just sleep the rest of today away entirelyI'm crying now basically because I don't need reminders and I don't need pressure I'm already pressing on myself hard the fuck enough for 10 peopleI hate when you look forward to something and even without having all your eggs in one basket you end up with all the eggs brokenThats where Im at.
> This morning I was basically chill and not really worried about much now I can't stop thinking that apparently focusing on healing isn't enough "I need to be applying for disability and following up with people and, all these things that Neurotypicals do"My brain doesn't work like everybody else's and I'm done pretending to be Neurotypical.
> I just don't give a shit anymoreI'll say what I wanthow I like where I like and when I want toI'm no longer a little kidPeople have to stop talking to me and relating to me like I amAnd when I catch people doing that I tell them to fuck off and I don't care who it is, I'll even say to my mother ( because I know she can deal )Anyway trying to go to sleep now after an unsuccessful ketamine treatment.Maybe I will get up later I'm not sure.
> All I know is right now isI don't want to be where I am.I honestly don't wanna drag my shit to New York from Ojai because that puts me in New York more permanently than I have any desire to.
> I do not want to stay in New York I want to go back to California and I don't care if I live alone I just don't wanna live in a place That has nothing but bad memories associated to it like OjaiOk enuf.
> Doesn't matter cuz i know u don't read all my verbal diarrhea
> —Gm to u.
> Bm ferme.Deciding if I go back to sleep and sleep thru another day.Not feeling good.
> Rather sleep than be awake.Just need to get moving out of ur Moms asap, like yesterday.I really dont like upstate ny.
> Just being there is depressing, literally.
> Thinking of it: gray, drab, sunless, humid, just no thanks.
> I always get depressed thnking of NY.My patience is a thick as an atom.Havent been out to coffee shop for 3 weeks now so i'm already angry hermit.Ok, onward into the shit of today I go.Hope u have better days than me
> Hola, just leaving coffee shop.ran into a tool Seth Godin created via his email.ended up having a conversation with it that made me cry twice.I think it helped me figure out what I need to specifically share with the world.Here is a link to the conversation.Let me know what you think.This is saved in my notion.
> Not sure if you have to login.Besides you need an account 😊
> Started day flat and now upset w/myself.
> Being stupid means doing stupid things.Cost me money - 60ish bucks poof.Anyhow.
> Less than 100 to my name.
> Inside on another beautiful day.
> Good times.I need a new place to be an angry hermit.
> Worn out the welcome.Could have told ya that long ago
> —thought...this entire time I've been in the pit, I've lived in RESISTANCE to everything, because I wanted nothing other than madness to stop.Resistance vs PermissionI dont give myself permission, or slack, on much.
> Its a weapon for the critic, ammunition, to come at me and justify my lack of valueWhen I attempt giving myself permission to simply BE unemployed, BE homeless, BE depressed it never works.Discomfort in that head space because who TF am I to take a day, let alone an hour, off from getting your ass out of the hole.
> Hour later and dark times have moved in with isolation.8000° outside.
> So stay inside all day.
> Isolation like Colorado, but no baggage and triggers there.This is a nightmare made real.
> Only 19 hours and Ive had enuf here.
> Ready to leave.
> Just woke up.
> Depleted and Depressed.
> And now have to jump thru hoops for ny medicaid.
> Thought about divorce.Reply and say "ok, lets have the judge sort this.
> I'm ready for court."See what the reply is.I know she doesnt want the courtroom.
> Judge will like to hear how I lived in my car for 16 mos while she continues to live the life I had become accustomed.I waived my rights to basic living standards.Fuck that shit.
> Not any more.Lets go to court, or this email will continue for another year.Besides, my half of the retirement has been earning in its four years.Does she keep the profit made on my half over four years?

## Analogies & Metaphors
> But he still perceives it as ‘angry at him' Everytime it comes up I cringe that I'm ruining my relationship with him like Aidan.
> she did like it — made me happy.
> I listened to something this morning that crushed me—made me feel incredibly sad, like a gut punch, but I needed to hear it.
> Reminding me that I made mistake and atone for it, don't feel like I have
> And yes I'm aware that suffering is a choice, but we're talking about the woman I love down to my DNA and in that case the hurt is at a level where there is no decision to be made, the body just reacts at a root level without thought, like your heartbeat or breathing.OK, off my chest now.Thanks again for calling today.
> Like art critiques, They can be frustrating but are a necessary part of the process
> Is that's what's going on?Make me feel so rejected that I just go away?Im confused, mistreated, tired, frustrated, unemployed, broke, and miserableIn some ways going to Kona is like rubbing it all in my face"Here's what you gave up your wife and family for..." Been thinking about not going as it might be too emotional 🖤 for me, but then I'm just massively confused 🫤
> So unless we can find an alternative looks like I'll be staying here while everyone else goes to IRONMANI'm not mad in the slightest bit, rather it's typical for my life to unfold like that so I'm not really surprised mad or anything.I am hopeful the universe will find a way for me to go.
> Feels like dragging yourself thru everyday just to get to the end and collapse mentally and physically.It's made me very jaded and cynical and I hate that
> I'll be honest.The amount of rejection I'm having in many areas of my life all at once is both immediately frustrating and triggering my depression very hard.As much as I've wanted this trip to Hawaii to be relaxing and restorative—its felt like the opposite.
> I feel I'm being made to feel like everything is my fucking fault
> but in that moment I realized I reacted in a way that I aspire to, and I did it automatically without thinking and then was aware of it and then I almost had a smile on my face while Liz was looking at me berating about the dogI made sure she knew I heard her and as that moment when away we went about our days all of this suddenly became very clear to me that she's talking to me in a way or to the old Bert scolding me because because I would it's like, it's like my reaction to my dad
> It was an amazing hike, I don't think I've ever felt as centered, calm, and lots of gratitude.I feel like a lot of things that have seemed very confusing to me for quite some time came to me in a way where it all made sense suddenly., At least my understanding of everything now makes sense to me, because before what I didn't understand was that she would think that of me that I was capable of doing that to her.
> She says she has a good life but the idea of finding someone seems like it will never happen.The comments in the thread made me incredibly sad.
> There is so much anger in her heart.I can feel it because my heart is open and full of compassion for her suffering.It so clear to me, all of this mess is.The hike over the weekend I was hit with clarity like never before.
> this part: I would like the compensation to be $12,000.00 per month with payments made on the 10th and 25th of each month via direct payment or ACH.
> But whenever I did I could see her get very sad and then sort of disappear like go inside herself and withdraw, she would just disappear into training as her medicine to deal with everything, but that of course made her more distant from me and us.
> I just feel like I wake up, confused, angry and bitter every day until I can call myself down
> Value beyond the cost of money, I can make more money, but maybe I shouldn't miss this opportunity?I look at it in a way that some thing in the universe made that thing show up in YouTube in front of me last night and lead me to her website and made me find that she has this program.I look at it as a happening but it's just so serendipitous.The SelfHealers group is just that it's individually driven and while I know I could do that all on my own I think it would be a more valuable experience going through this with other people dealing with the same shit with a counselor who's done this with dozens and dozens of groups So, you have to fill out an application online, and if you look like a good candidate they want a zoom call with you for 15 minutes just to talk with you before they confirm that you're in to the program.
> Like questioning my ability to look, or is if I'm looking in the wrong places.Anyhow, the bigger issue for me is the trigger and the judgment, which is what has triggered me since I was a kid, constant critique, but never praise of any kind that's part of the reason I feel like a perpetual loser, which is made up story that I burned into my synopsis when I was little
> Thing is I still laugh at the premise that I'm in my 50s and have no fucking clue who I am.I've been so dissociated and living in either anxiety or depression my whole life that my identity feels like whatever suits the moment in order to make peace, make no ripples in the pond, and generate a mask of likability.When I resonate with the rage/anger vibration inside me, it's volatile.
> Really angry and depressed right now simultaneously and when I'm like this, it's a good thing I don't have a gun cause I would just go fucking bananas
> Being unemployed this long and feeling SO desperate to have a job and be 'PLUGGED IN" to the economy of US Capitalism.If you're not a part of that club (having a steady full time employment) you are made to feel like an outsider and not wanted since you're not doing anything to contribute — you're a negative drain on the collective whole.I mean we ask people "What do you do for a living?" when we meet someone rather than, "Tell me about yourself?" avoiding reference to work.
> I'm so pissed like fucking eat.
> You never made any money like my working life.
> We're going to to see me turn from angry to calm and we're gonna see her turn from calm lit like a fucking Roman candle
> I know she texted she didn't "really" want to be in contact.We left it as friends and I started texting her like a friend and I think that made it harder for her So...
> I've had a year of rejection that season no end, I put myself out there because I just wanna make a connection and I made the perfect one only to have it disappear on me like I haven't dealt with enough rejection and lost but to meet her and then have that happen.
> I feel like taking the money I made for storage and going and buying a beer
> I gotta admit that there is a reason to all this madness and it all fucking makes sense to me now.Of course I'm by myself of course I'm miserable because I'm not comfortable being with myself even though I don't like being near people I also don't like being by myself, which is this weird paradox.
> I just wasn't getting it from Liz for probably 10 years and it was an instant it was a slow taper, but yeah, she withdrew and then that triggered me into a depression and then I withdrew like a fucking hermit and that made her wonder what the fuck was going on with me and the more she ignored me the deeper and darker I went so you know that's what it was, and I remember at least a dozen times standing in the shower crying while she's laying on the bed watching shows
> Also, I have an extremely high correlation to mild autism based on symptoms and patterns that show up in undiagnosed adults.Some, like me, create their own systems inside themselves to work the worlds reality, while our minds are busy either despising themselves of freaking out about something.Total madness.
> Largely angry because I'm alone and don't have anybody to share anything with Just sucks because it makes me more depressed it's like a fucking demon feeding itself
> Anyhow, looks like I'm headed to a depressed angry friday night battling inside my head — suxWasted fucking days and going on 2 years of this fucking repeat shit show.
> Like a pent up rage from this experience.
> it's made me realize that with running into Jenica like a month ago I don't know if I want to be here at least right now.
> There are some young women who don't look over 16 kind of like Liz back in the day just made Me laugh
> I've almost made it to three hours of being awake and haven't lost my shit yet so it's starting out OK I'd like to keep it this way.
> Never happened and SHOULD have.The narcissist didn't have to work after that she had me trapped and obeying her Because she made me feel like a bad husband.
> Like I've had my whole fucking life destroyedI have a goddamn right to be fucking angry as hell and everybody can suck my dick
> So as you can see in the screen capture I looked at the Ventura office and made the earliest appointment they had available and the last one that they have available this week it's like it was held for me
> by the way I've always had this deep deep inner anger and dissatisfaction my whole life and for whatever reason I feel like I might almost be getting to the bottom of it
> You're expressive, energetic, you have a ‘look'Made me think...I have enough life experience now that I can tap into MANY different mindsets and occupy it like yesterday.I can turn that on/off but unfortunately not depression
> —no wonder I text the shit out of you — otherwise I'm in my head tel:247365Not comfortable talking about my mental issues with others, even family, because they dismiss it — and then start drawing comparisons to themselves and other family members as if I'm no as tough as they areI just need to suck it up and not be weak — that's what I hearI cannot express my anger because there's not a word that means that x1000 existentially.I shut the fuck down because I dont want to rip their fucking head off and then punt it into the fucking sky as far as I canUnless you're in my head you have NO FUCKING IDEA what its like I dont care how much common DNA we may have—I submit anyone else would have already done themselves in — killed themselves — I'm just too stubborn to do it—Anyhow, its not even 11am and now have to push thru today mentallyonly to wake up and live another awful day
> I really want to be done with this existence and feel as though I am being punished by being made to stay alive
> Dark is here again and every morningNever made it to mecoWhole day inside ☹️ yesterdayFeeling worse or the same, there is no feeling "better"I've never felt what not having depression is like, and never will.
> It's like Madge and Palmolive.
> —I have no "fire in the belly" any longerIm simply fucking tired and still trying to make sense of why I continue to wake up and go thru another day In this head like a hallThis mind full of mirrorsNo sense can be madeWillingness is vacant
> Or keep having to bring it up, like, Hello, remember I have chronic depression?!?!The assumption that I'm like everyone else, and dont have a condition getting in my way is maddening.Just because I don't have a sign on my head that says "caution: depression ahead" shouldn't mean I have to remind people about it.
> this just makes my whole life take even longer to get back on track.--I was at basecamp 4 looking for a way to make a push for the summit.Now its as if I'm back at basecamp one, feeling frustrated.
> —I know you rarely look at the phone.Meaning large blocks of time go by without looking.has a very long text message chat from an old friend from Ojai who moved away about a decade ago to move to Louisiana.Everytime everyone asks how I am.I dont sugercoat a god damn thing.You're used to it, but I have freaked out more ppl than you know with just the tiniest bits I've shared online out of frustration.I hear/read things people say to me about keeping it real, bravery, nice nice shit.Irony is I dont feel it at all.Like what you said to me last night, "you've spent more time on self introspection, inside work, than anyone else I know" which honestly was so suprising I almost said BULLSHIT to your face outloud but remembered the girls were around.
> Just like the dogs, no judgement on love—it was so nice to see.It made me want to do same thing sometime down road.Train a dog to be a therapy dog and go into hospitals like that.
> Haven't I suffered enuf?Do I need more sacrifices?How the fuck to move forward when EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE ITS AGAINST U?So frustratingPuts me in deep frustration and withdrawl from trying anymore
> I feel no remorse right now.Like I could go find someone and fuck them up hard.Lots of rage inside.
> I htink my visit to the hospital made me realize I NEED TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE, and always acquiescing.I SIMPLY BRING MY DEPRESSED "fuck you and the boat you got here on" SELF TO THE FOREFRONT.Instead of me adjusting my personality and attitude to make every interaction kind and "chippy"I'll simply look at people like I am in that picture.my fuck you face.
> feeling screwed.looks like the payment for the car didn't go throughwill contact venmo in the morning about it.pissed — likely lose the car now.
> sad realization hit me day before yesterdayI may never know what it feels like to not be anxious, depressed or some combination thereof.Literally made me instantly cry and lose my breath.
> Planned for every worst possible scenario and hoped for the best.Always pisses me off to think of what I could have achieved if not for the fear of existing put into me by my father.I already yelled at him in a fit or rage on my last visit.He started talking to me like I was 12.I was 54.I got in his face, lazer eyes thru his skull, and vocal projection that made his hair blow back.I reminded him I'm a 54 year old man, not the little kid you used to fuck with and ruined his life.
> You have to let go of the attachment to anger towards the person in the situation.It's like when Pope John Paul II went into the prison and absolved the guy that tried to assassinate him, he showed compassion and grace because for someone to be drawn to such an act there is so much suffering going on inside them.
> and that she's forgiven her brothers and father, who have all made me look like a preschooler with "sins"
> When I meditated listening to the Eno song....it took me places that made me feel things I'd never had — at least in current memory.anyway, getting a little on the fringe — I know, and well aware that I spend pretty much all my time in my mind, in spaces and places few people venture to.And even fewer will confess their own experienceskinda sadso many people, just asleep like sheep
> Angry, in a deep way.So much of my life has been stolen from me by mental illness.From the outside it may look like a successful life however I feel far differentI did ok by Declan and Darragh but I fucked up with Aidan.
> The best way I can describe it would be like an energy thingI pick up on bad juju, suspicion, anger, checked the fuck out.
> and then couldnt stop thinking about it.Was entirely distracting.Made the remainder feel like sitting in a chair in the dark with my headphones on.Ultimately I ended up texting u guys.
> —feeling entirely unmotivated to do anythingmeans I get to sit alone all day watching everyone else live their lifeI get to watch the time I'm granted get PISSED AWAYIts like being in PRISON except I'm allowed to walk around in publicthat makes it more painful because everyone around you appears to be having a good time
> Just finished composing and editing what I feel is a fair, straightforward and as vulcan as possible.And yes I exactly asked the AI to draft my email as if it was a Vulcan and made sure it knew who Vulcans were
> ur mom made it seem like ur working until 10pm then heading over
> For what?To get fucked over by someone you'd taken a bullet for without hesitation, only to discover 20+ years later its not true?!?How fucking blind was I?How long did I stay when I should have DEMANDED BETTER OR Im out?!?So much unresolved shitAnd Im frankly fed the fuck up with waiting around becuz been DOING IT FOR MANY YEARS NOW, for what???More of this??U can hopefully comprehend why I'm frustrated.From where I'm sitting its looking like I wont be on my feet in less than 5 yearsMakes me 61.
> —Change is moving TOO FUCKING SLOW.And if somebody tells me to be patient I have a broomstick to shove up your ass while I kick your teeth out of your fucking jawLooks like it's a stay inside and be angry day for me it's too fucking hot to go outside, my car is not registered or insured so I can't drive anywhere to do anything, I don't have any money to do anything anyway.
> —exiledthats what it feels like to be me.If you've never been exiled, well then go make someone so angry they kick you out of your family.#wtaf
> I did the same thing in my relationship with Elizabeth because she said to me "I am not your therapist and I don't want to be your therapist"She said that to me around 2013 2014 and after that I literally stopped sharing everything with her about whats going on inside meI kept it away I wall it off and overtime it became bigger and bigger and bigger until I found a depression and then it was enormous and dark.When Liz talks about or states she was frightened or fearful of me she was afraid of all the darkness I've been holding back and all my wants and things that I needed that I just shut down and never shared with her over 1012 years finally blew up over CovidThis said, she knows none of this and of course has invented some kind of fiction about the end of her marriage which is not based in any kind of reality that I know of because she doesn't know about me.One of the core tenants of loving someone is understanding someone.If you love someone you crave to understand them and when things are confusing that craving Should drive you like a mad person to figure out how to help the person you love and help understand themThere was none of that with her she just pulled away no curiosity no want of understanding.She never asked me once if I was OK or what was wrong.
> Liz and her tone problem was something I dealt with for over 20 years in it is incredibly triggering when someone says I need to watch the tone of my voice.It's what Liz accused me of constantly.My reply to that is fuck youI don't have to do anything, im doing me.Stop judging me and sharingBasically, shut the fuck up I'm gonna talk how I like.Anyhow, back from a half a ketamine treatment and triggered an angry now.Exactly the opposite of what a medical staff hammers into my head ketamine treatments.Stay away from things that upset you or anger you.So since I don't have any money to go to a coffee shop I may just sleep the rest of today away entirelyI'm crying now basically because I don't need reminders and I don't need pressure I'm already pressing on myself hard the fuck enough for 10 peopleI hate when you look forward to something and even without having all your eggs in one basket you end up with all the eggs brokenThats where Im at.
> —Just woke up.Slept all dayEasily one of top 5 worst days here, and a ketamine day too boot.My mind is negative, depresses and angry.Been that way all day.I wake up like that.So Im very excited to making my depression and hate if living stronger.🤬🤬🤬
> Last Friday felt ok for first time in a long timeFeels like Im back at the startVERY frustratedVERYunhappyVERY detachedI dont give a shit anymoreWanting is sufferingMeaning lives if I allow it.Wish I had the balls to tap out.
> Isolation like Colorado, but no baggage and triggers there.This is a nightmare made real.
> It simply drives me insane to think of what life would have been like had I had the loving, supportive, and nurturing space I tried to maintain for my boys."Its ok to make mistakes, thats how we learn and get better"instead of"Why did you do that?"In an angry voicemakes a BIG difference growing up

## Vivid Descriptions / Storytelling
> Metal, so hard on the ears, but man he matches the rage in the vids.
> And yes I'm aware that suffering is a choice, but we're talking about the woman I love down to my DNA and in that case the hurt is at a level where there is no decision to be made, the body just reacts at a root level without thought, like your heartbeat or breathing.OK, off my chest now.Thanks again for calling today.
> I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain, and that made things worse to the point I hurt the ones I love the most in the whole world.And now I don't know if I can ever earn their love and trust back.It hurts, but now there's no numbing.Almost a year ago I began to cultivate the smallest speck of self-worth through daily meditation.
> There is so much anger in her heart.I can feel it because my heart is open and full of compassion for her suffering.It so clear to me, all of this mess is.The hike over the weekend I was hit with clarity like never before.
> been hard to focus over here...Amazon recruiter reached out today to setup an interview for a UX Design position in their FinTech division.The universe made that happen, so I'm inclined to pursue it.I have no idea how Friday will turn out, so not wanting to put all my eggs in one basket...Curious what you think about that?I'll ping you updates on migration process.
> Jo,Thanks for communicatingThanks for being a friendI hear you, and no problem going quiet.A few last things need to be made clear, and please ask if you have any questions:- I am not looking to discount Liz's experience or her story at all- I understand I hurt her badly.- I know she continues to feel hurt.- I know my role in all of this hurt.- I'm trying to help us heal.- I've repeatedly expressed remorse, regret, and repentance to Elizabeth for causing this hurt.- I'm not trying to make anyone believe my story as, or take it as, the truth.
> "Listen, I know this is hard, but she seems to have made a hard decision.
> Feeling incredible gratitude and nearly weeping because my laundry was still in the dryer at the public laundry.🧺 Now, I'm sitting inside Starbucks, and I'm the only person sitting inside with the crew at almost 9 am in the morning.I'm witnessing a beehive of activity churning out hot and cold caffeinated concoctions of various sizes in service to a line of vehicles in a race to the bottom of an oil barrel.It's incredible when you get still enough...You can see the distractions humans create to unconsciously distract themselves from deeper realities with deeper meaning.I can see the difference in the faces walking in to pick up their mobile app order sent while burning fossil fuels to get here.Some sad,Some angry,Some zombies,Many insecurities,And a whole panoply of people are numb to the fact,That this—living human—experience ends at some precise point and moment in time.And this simple fact alone can make one's subconscious do all it can to avoid the inevitable truth.Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming already in progress.......
> My issue right now is my heart is filled with a lot of anger, contempt and fucking rage, man I've had my fucking future taken away from meIf every right to be pissed off, but dammit, I wanna get the fuck over this honestly, too have to say I don't think my head and heart would be in this space if I had my basic needs taken care of.
> Her problem is she's uncomfortable with me opening my mouth and speaking up.Total fact every time I open my mouth and that relationship she would get frustrated and shut down
> —no wonder I text the shit out of you — otherwise I'm in my head tel:247365Not comfortable talking about my mental issues with others, even family, because they dismiss it — and then start drawing comparisons to themselves and other family members as if I'm no as tough as they areI just need to suck it up and not be weak — that's what I hearI cannot express my anger because there's not a word that means that x1000 existentially.I shut the fuck down because I dont want to rip their fucking head off and then punt it into the fucking sky as far as I canUnless you're in my head you have NO FUCKING IDEA what its like I dont care how much common DNA we may have—I submit anyone else would have already done themselves in — killed themselves — I'm just too stubborn to do it—Anyhow, its not even 11am and now have to push thru today mentallyonly to wake up and live another awful day
> No means, no resources, just a leechYou got urself there, so deal loser.—Thats how I think/talk to myself inside my head.Frustrating and maddening.If being depressed wasnt bad enuf, u have another part of you mentally and emotionally grating you over the hot coals because u "simply suck."If I could tirn it off I wouldAlas I guess its my disease to bear, albeit invisible to all
> And my brain is off on some fucking parade, fight, anger, ragefest kicking my ass HARD in my head.
> -been losing my mind a bit today.-not in a good feeling kind of way-the isolation from any sense of an independent life is truly killing whatever spirit I can musterIts INCREDIBLY frustrating to work hard, try to do all the things, and still running in place.If not for your mom's incredible kindness and heart — I'd still be on the street, no job and hustling.I'm barely dealing with the PTSD from living in the car.
> For what?To get fucked over by someone you'd taken a bullet for without hesitation, only to discover 20+ years later its not true?!?How fucking blind was I?How long did I stay when I should have DEMANDED BETTER OR Im out?!?So much unresolved shitAnd Im frankly fed the fuck up with waiting around becuz been DOING IT FOR MANY YEARS NOW, for what???More of this??U can hopefully comprehend why I'm frustrated.From where I'm sitting its looking like I wont be on my feet in less than 5 yearsMakes me 61.
> Liz and her tone problem was something I dealt with for over 20 years in it is incredibly triggering when someone says I need to watch the tone of my voice.It's what Liz accused me of constantly.My reply to that is fuck youI don't have to do anything, im doing me.Stop judging me and sharingBasically, shut the fuck up I'm gonna talk how I like.Anyhow, back from a half a ketamine treatment and triggered an angry now.Exactly the opposite of what a medical staff hammers into my head ketamine treatments.Stay away from things that upset you or anger you.So since I don't have any money to go to a coffee shop I may just sleep the rest of today away entirelyI'm crying now basically because I don't need reminders and I don't need pressure I'm already pressing on myself hard the fuck enough for 10 peopleI hate when you look forward to something and even without having all your eggs in one basket you end up with all the eggs brokenThats where Im at.
> I'm starting to get impatient and I am already beyond angry and all of that stuff so driving into New York with this on my head now tooAnd it's hard to change your story when that's the only story you know