[00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:10.920] All right, this looks to be on and get my prompts. [00:00:10.920 --> 00:00:20.120] Ketamine chronicles, session three reflections, pre-session four prompt. [00:00:20.120 --> 00:00:29.600] What's surprised you most about the ketamine sessions so far? [00:00:29.600 --> 00:00:37.380] Have you noticed any changes in your thoughts and moods or behaviors, even small ones? [00:00:37.380 --> 00:00:47.160] What's been the hardest part of the process so far, emotional, physically or logistically? [00:00:47.160 --> 00:00:56.880] Do you feel hopeful about the remaining sessions or is there a mix of emotions? [00:00:56.880 --> 00:00:59.760] Has anything from your past come up? [00:00:59.760 --> 00:01:03.600] Okay, there's more questions, I'm just going to start. [00:01:03.600 --> 00:01:10.600] What surprised you most about the sessions so far? [00:01:10.600 --> 00:01:24.640] The difference in each one, they are all unique in terms of the content of the experience [00:01:24.640 --> 00:01:29.000] and also the nuances of the experience. [00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:51.400] However, the theme or common things among the common thing among all the treatment sessions [00:01:51.400 --> 00:02:03.040] is the sensations, the bodily sensations, how it comes on, how it feels on your body, how [00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:12.200] it feels in your mind for my personal experience, it's been consistent, that's been consistent. [00:02:12.200 --> 00:02:25.720] The where it takes me is, I don't know, that I'm still figuring out is how it takes me [00:02:25.720 --> 00:02:32.280] to where it does. [00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:37.000] Next prompt, have you noticed any changes in your thoughts, mood or behaviors, even small [00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000] ones? [00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:39.000] Yes. [00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:51.920] First, after the first session, the next two days, I noticed a subconscious motivation [00:02:51.920 --> 00:02:59.680] and I'll describe it as in the morning when I woke up, I got right out of bed, walked [00:02:59.680 --> 00:03:05.080] to the bathroom and started brushing my teeth. [00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:08.720] In a matter of five minutes, my teeth were brushed. [00:03:08.720 --> 00:03:17.720] Previously, that may have taken me 45 minutes to get out of bed, to get my ass to the bathroom [00:03:17.720 --> 00:03:22.840] and perform the brushing of teeth. [00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:31.640] So that was right off the bat, like it instantly affected subconscious behavior, like clearing [00:03:31.640 --> 00:03:37.220] out the cobwebs of some kind. [00:03:37.220 --> 00:03:54.760] And then the other small things I've noticed is that my mind isn't cycling on thoughts 24/7. [00:03:54.760 --> 00:04:06.120] There are moments where my mind will essentially idle, like a car would, instead of redlining [00:04:06.120 --> 00:04:07.520] all day. [00:04:07.520 --> 00:04:17.120] There's a few moments where we pull over to the side of the road and chill out for a [00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:31.360] second. [00:04:31.360 --> 00:04:45.720] The other thing I've noticed as a pattern is having the second day after the first and [00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:57.280] second treatment be a peak depression day, like off the charts, like top shelf depression [00:04:57.280 --> 00:05:02.200] day, as hard as the hardest ones. [00:05:02.200 --> 00:05:11.680] And after my first section, the second day after that, I not only had the depression, [00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:17.200] but I also had the ideation rock in a moment with it. [00:05:17.200 --> 00:05:27.200] And because I've been doing this dog and pony show for so long, I know the drill, I know [00:05:27.200 --> 00:05:34.440] the routine, I could do it in my sleep with my eyes closed, which I probably have. [00:05:34.440 --> 00:05:40.560] I'm just not aware of it. [00:05:40.560 --> 00:05:48.400] And yeah, so next one, what's been the hardest part of the process so far? [00:05:48.400 --> 00:05:53.720] Emotionally, physically, or logistically? [00:05:53.720 --> 00:05:55.760] Not logistically. [00:05:55.760 --> 00:06:02.600] I have that handled, I have someone driving me to and from appointments, so I don't have [00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:06.000] to think about that. [00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:09.360] Logistically, everything is planned out. [00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:18.880] The space between my second and third episode session, my second and third session, felt [00:06:18.880 --> 00:06:24.760] a bit too extended. [00:06:24.760 --> 00:06:38.080] I just felt a gap or a vacancy or a letdown in support or momentum and motivation was [00:06:38.080 --> 00:06:40.520] kind of a whammy. [00:06:40.520 --> 00:06:43.240] I noticed that. [00:06:43.240 --> 00:06:48.400] So physically, it's been okay. [00:06:48.400 --> 00:06:53.200] Logistically, it's manageable and been dealt with. [00:06:53.200 --> 00:06:56.200] It's emotional, it's the hardest part. [00:06:56.200 --> 00:07:11.060] It's just processing the amount of information that goes through your brain in one hour in [00:07:11.060 --> 00:07:16.640] one of those sessions. [00:07:16.640 --> 00:07:20.840] Next one, do you feel hopeful about the remaining sessions? [00:07:20.840 --> 00:07:27.640] Where's their mix of emotions? [00:07:27.640 --> 00:07:33.640] I got to say there's a mix of emotions right now. [00:07:33.640 --> 00:07:42.560] Only because of uncertainty, that's always out there until things actually fall into place. [00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:54.120] And with uncertainty comes risk, we need to manage risk, therefore as an extension, you [00:07:54.120 --> 00:08:03.720] manage your expectations and by managing expectations, you manage your emotions. [00:08:03.720 --> 00:08:15.960] That's all connected and I know from my own experience that if any one of those gets a [00:08:15.960 --> 00:08:26.000] little out of hand, it can throw all everything else into whack and it's interesting because [00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:30.400] you have complete control over the emotional stuff. [00:08:30.400 --> 00:08:42.480] That's how triggers are reacted to in a conscious or unconscious way. [00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:57.400] I lived most of my life being triggered and reacting unconsciously and reacting in a way [00:08:57.400 --> 00:09:08.480] based on themes, patterns, and habits and we can go down any one of those. [00:09:08.480 --> 00:09:15.420] I just got really deep on the whole another angle that I could talk about. [00:09:15.420 --> 00:09:24.640] So yeah, there's a mix of emotions, you just got it right there and anything from my next [00:09:24.640 --> 00:09:34.000] one is anything from my past come up. [00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:50.400] I didn't expect and yes, as I started the session yesterday, I was in the chair at my [00:09:50.400 --> 00:10:02.560] appointment, everything was fine and after I had the first injection, things started [00:10:02.560 --> 00:10:18.960] to proceed and I suddenly had a huge release of emotion related to Elizabeth, my soon-to-be [00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:37.460] former wife and I just cried what felt like waterfalls of tears because my heart is so [00:10:37.460 --> 00:10:46.280] broken from that experience and the fact that I can talk about it like this and not break [00:10:46.280 --> 00:11:00.040] down, I find very surprising because for the past four or five years, whenever my mind [00:11:00.040 --> 00:11:08.880] would touch on that subject, ultimately I'd break down out of sadness and disappointment [00:11:08.880 --> 00:11:34.160] in myself, I'm upset because if I was awake, I would have been able to keep good portions [00:11:34.160 --> 00:11:43.760] of my emotions in a healthier space. [00:11:43.760 --> 00:12:02.160] Unfortunately, I had depression running the show at full blast and that simply blinded [00:12:02.160 --> 00:12:26.720] me and it's sad to look back and realize that my mental illness destroyed the life I had. [00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:51.920] I mean, it does take two to ten go but I can definitely feel responsibility for it all. [00:12:51.920 --> 00:13:07.920] What do I wish someone had told me before starting this treatment? [00:13:07.920 --> 00:13:12.680] It's a good question. [00:13:12.680 --> 00:13:19.000] I don't know if I have an answer to that right now. [00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:40.840] I did an enormous amount of research beforehand, watched a three-hour video on the entire [00:13:40.840 --> 00:13:54.240] process given by a Stanford professor where I basically received a semester's worth of [00:13:54.240 --> 00:14:04.820] a doctoral level program and I could follow it through a combination of my own peak curiosity [00:14:04.820 --> 00:14:18.860] having to go through the experience and number two, I'm lucky that I have a few brain cells. [00:14:18.860 --> 00:14:31.020] No, I'm not the world's smartest guy but I'm also not the world's dumbest guy. [00:14:31.020 --> 00:14:38.220] But then again, maybe I am a dumbest guy, anyway, having fun. [00:14:38.220 --> 00:14:43.580] Yeah, I don't think there is anything. [00:14:43.580 --> 00:14:48.780] I wish someone had told me I felt very, very well informed and very comfortable going into [00:14:48.780 --> 00:14:53.880] the experience and very prepared. [00:14:53.880 --> 00:15:06.840] This one, if someone asked what ketamine treatment feels like, feel as and feel emotionally, mentally, [00:15:06.840 --> 00:15:07.840] physically? [00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:11.600] Okay, how would I describe it to them? [00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:13.700] Okay, perfect. [00:15:13.700 --> 00:15:19.520] I have a great couple of metaphors for this. [00:15:19.520 --> 00:15:30.440] Moving into the ketamine experience, it likens to riding a rollercoaster that you have never [00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:42.840] been on before and maybe you've never even been on a rollercoaster ever and after you [00:15:42.840 --> 00:15:51.320] get your injection, it's like getting into the seat of the rollercoaster and pulling [00:15:51.320 --> 00:15:53.520] away from the gate. [00:15:53.520 --> 00:16:06.360] Eventually, you end up on the inclining where you start climbing up and that's when you [00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:21.120] begin to feel things, let's say you notice things with your mind or your body, sensations. [00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:27.520] Things that are just suddenly different a little and that's when you know you're climbing [00:16:27.520 --> 00:16:53.040] up for the drop and what will happen is you keep climbing and the intensity continues [00:16:53.040 --> 00:16:59.560] to climb in with the medicine. [00:16:59.560 --> 00:17:13.600] It starts to get to the point where the intensity is increasing almost as if your anxiety or [00:17:13.600 --> 00:17:26.160] worry of the impending drop on the other side of the coaster is going to give you and it [00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:38.680] will keep increasing and what I noticed is at a certain point, I could feel my body and [00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:52.320] mind trying to hold on, like hold on to feeling grounded, feeling you know here, having control [00:17:52.320 --> 00:18:02.660] of my mind and my body, being in control, that feeling all humans sort of think and believe [00:18:02.660 --> 00:18:15.380] is that they are in control and the paradigm or comparison that matches up perfectly is [00:18:15.380 --> 00:18:24.540] if you decide to white knuckle it and fight it and grab a hold of the bar and grit your [00:18:24.540 --> 00:18:38.220] teeth while you go streaming down the fall it is going to be stressful, anxiety-ridden [00:18:38.220 --> 00:18:43.780] and panic-inducing. [00:18:43.780 --> 00:18:59.860] On the contrary, I knew the objective was to relax and allow my body and mind to go where [00:18:59.860 --> 00:19:02.900] the treatment was going to take me. [00:19:02.900 --> 00:19:10.340] The equivalent in the roller coaster is when I got to the top, I decided to put my hands [00:19:10.340 --> 00:19:23.980] up in the air as we then plummeted down the fall to very different reactions to the situation [00:19:23.980 --> 00:19:39.940] at hand and they would undoubtedly produce vastly different experiences of the treatment [00:19:39.940 --> 00:19:48.620] and I would have to say white knuckle it may not produce the kind of experience you're [00:19:48.620 --> 00:19:53.460] hoping for. [00:19:53.460 --> 00:20:05.740] I'm very comfortable letting go mainly because I've had to let go of so much, I've had to [00:20:05.740 --> 00:20:17.820] let go of the place I lived for quarter century, I had to let go of the woman I loved, I still [00:20:17.820 --> 00:20:36.380] love her, but I had to let go of feeling like I needed her to survive, and I don't, that's [00:20:36.380 --> 00:20:56.500] done, now I lost my dream of thought back to the prompt. [00:20:56.500 --> 00:20:58.460] What does it feel like? [00:20:58.460 --> 00:21:08.620] So yeah, I was talking about the roller coaster and that is a perfect metaphor, analogy for [00:21:08.620 --> 00:21:12.440] how the experience comes on. [00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:23.020] Now physically, you can feel your body get tense, I think it's a natural physiological [00:21:23.020 --> 00:21:31.860] reaction, but again, you have to have awareness that that's happening and then make another [00:21:31.860 --> 00:21:44.780] choice and I know I can do that because of meditation practice, I've built the ability [00:21:44.780 --> 00:21:53.820] or muscle to do that, I don't think I'd be able to do that if I didn't have all the [00:21:53.820 --> 00:22:05.500] meditation I have under my belt, it has definitely made a huge impact on this entire experience [00:22:05.500 --> 00:22:23.420] for me, it's one of the linchpins, I'm still alive, I've been not gone already, let's see, [00:22:23.420 --> 00:22:33.900] and oh, and the feeling mentally is being challenged, I would say, and I think that is [00:22:33.900 --> 00:22:46.580] on an individual basis, you have to be willing to let go of where you're anchored in your [00:22:46.580 --> 00:22:53.300] mind and you have to be open to anything really. [00:22:53.300 --> 00:23:11.180] If you're not willing to open up to all possibilities, I firmly believe you limit yourself to opportunity. [00:23:11.180 --> 00:23:20.900] I've lived this, I know it's true, it's happened over and over in my life where I've let fear [00:23:20.900 --> 00:23:35.180] and doubt decide things for me, and to look back at sucks, it sucks ass because I know [00:23:35.180 --> 00:23:51.660] I missed out on fun stuff, I missed out on making new friends, possibly lifelong friends, [00:23:51.660 --> 00:24:01.660] I missed out on the connections with other people, connections that always lead to a [00:24:01.660 --> 00:24:10.220] bigger network, where if you share problems with your friends, they might say oh, my cousin [00:24:10.220 --> 00:24:19.060] knows a guy that does blah, blah, blah, and you know, you're able to network in a far [00:24:19.060 --> 00:24:33.740] easier way, so the fear and doubt definitely will create the perfect storm for self-isolation [00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:52.660] to set in and set in hardcore, I know this because I've lived this, I've had, yeah, I've [00:24:52.660 --> 00:24:57.020] had it happen over and over, I don't want to give in to the details and go down those [00:24:57.020 --> 00:25:06.180] circles right now, you see if I got all the questions, has there been any small thinkers [00:25:06.180 --> 00:25:15.580] a moment of feeling a sound that has helped you through this, I imagine you're referring [00:25:15.580 --> 00:25:26.620] to this experience, I got to say after the first two and after the second one when I got [00:25:26.620 --> 00:25:42.340] really depressed I really lost my sense of optimism [00:25:42.340 --> 00:25:58.900] and it's interesting, after the treatment yesterday, I don't feel, you know, balloons [00:25:58.900 --> 00:26:12.300] and confetti optimistic, I just feel it in the middle, I'm not really on the side of [00:26:12.300 --> 00:26:33.460] this being a failure, this being this treatment but also being a success, a wild success where [00:26:33.460 --> 00:26:44.300] you know, I'm doing cartwheels down the hallway of the ketamine clinic when I leave it after [00:26:44.300 --> 00:26:58.220] my last, sixth and final session, I'm not really sure there's going to be fin fair, anyhow, [00:26:58.220 --> 00:27:07.900] so I'm really in the middle, which honestly, if I had to choose a place to be, this is [00:27:07.900 --> 00:27:31.580] where I'd want to be, because my awareness is high enough to know that if I forget that [00:27:31.580 --> 00:27:41.260] leaning on Windows comment, that was nothing, okay, I'm going to pause for people I'm walking [00:27:41.260 --> 00:27:59.180] up to, let's see, so people have gone by, one thing I notice and I'm very aware of it, [00:27:59.180 --> 00:28:11.620] people take over extended glances at me and I'm not being neurotic or crazy, I just know [00:28:11.620 --> 00:28:29.040] what's up, hi, so like I was saying about being in the middle or being on the fence [00:28:29.040 --> 00:28:36.300] is the place I want to be, because my awareness is high enough, I know if I was feeling overly [00:28:36.300 --> 00:28:49.880] confident or feeling incredibly despondent that I know my mind isn't necessarily in the [00:28:49.880 --> 00:29:00.520] right place to, yeah, it just is not in the right place, so I'm optimistic, and the other [00:29:00.520 --> 00:29:08.220] thing, we're optimistic, but I'll say I'm keeping my mind open, but you know, I'm prepared [00:29:08.220 --> 00:29:16.440] for the worst and hoping for the absolute best, and that's all I can do with what I [00:29:16.440 --> 00:29:33.180] got in any given moment, there's some real nuggets of wisdom in this recording mica, [00:29:33.180 --> 00:29:42.140] there's stuff in the middle where I went off on some tangents, and I'd love those little [00:29:42.140 --> 00:29:56.960] nuggets pulled out from all of this banter, because I would like to create graphics using [00:29:56.960 --> 00:30:10.040] typography and elegant layout and type setting and color palette selection to communicate [00:30:10.040 --> 00:30:22.540] those topics to people, I think there's some valuable stuff for a lot of people in the [00:30:22.540 --> 00:30:36.720] middle there, so I'm gonna end this recording now, and hope that it answers all the prompts, [00:30:36.720 --> 00:30:51.160] and yeah, that's it, on my way back, I go to an appointment this afternoon, get my leg [00:30:51.160 --> 00:31:08.480] fixed, and what else, get my leg fixed, yeah, and then this afternoon, after I get back [00:31:08.480 --> 00:31:21.460] from that appointment, I will be ready to work on this, and work on more of the ketamine [00:31:21.460 --> 00:31:36.600] chronicle stuff, I do need to also get a holding on anyway, episode six done, five is [00:31:36.600 --> 00:31:56.520] gonna drop tomorrow, so I have a week until the other one needs to go, so, yeah, that's [00:31:56.520 --> 00:32:12.200] it, as always Mika, thank you for your support, help, and assistance in a myriad of ways with [00:32:12.200 --> 00:32:20.920] this project, you've been an important part of it, I want to acknowledge that, and express [00:32:20.920 --> 00:32:25.820] my gratitude, okay, peace, be well.