[00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:17.880]   okay we are in recording mode we have the connection and that's a script I don't
[00:00:17.880 --> 00:00:32.920]   want the script I want the problems okay holding on anyway episode deep dive when
[00:00:32.920 --> 00:00:40.480]   asking for help felt impossible talk about a time when you needed help but
[00:00:40.480 --> 00:00:47.400]   couldn't bring yourself to ask what fears held you back from reaching out what I
[00:00:47.400 --> 00:00:52.580]   silly or how did isolation affect your survival journey if someone listening
[00:00:52.580 --> 00:00:58.740]   feels trapped by pride or fear or maybe even shame what would you want them to
[00:00:58.740 --> 00:01:08.040]   hear okay talk about a time and you know okay so I've had multiple times where
[00:01:08.040 --> 00:01:22.000]   I've wanted help really bad and I could not help myself because a combination of
[00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:28.740]   depression fatigue depression affecting my executive function and ability to just
[00:01:28.740 --> 00:01:37.240]   like stay on top of responsibilities and do things normally like scheduling showing
[00:01:37.240 --> 00:01:46.720]   up on time things like that the depression would also tell me I wasn't good
[00:01:46.720 --> 00:01:54.800]   enough and I didn't deserve help because who the hell am I to think I deserve
[00:01:54.800 --> 00:02:01.480]   help you know you're no better than anybody else you're not special that's
[00:02:01.480 --> 00:02:12.400]   what it would tell me every day my whole life so over four decades of that can't
[00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:22.800]   really do a number on your self-esteem the fears that help me back from reaching
[00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:36.920]   out was I did not want to burden anybody with my problems I felt as though you
[00:02:36.920 --> 00:02:45.120]   know why why can't you handle your own shit you're a grown-up adult man you
[00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:55.080]   know you you need to get with the fucking program that's kind of what I felt like
[00:02:55.080 --> 00:03:05.480]   from the environment society culture things around me made me feel like that
[00:03:05.480 --> 00:03:12.960]   you know the things outside of me I had no control over were giving me those
[00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:16.800]   messages those are the messages I was picking up were they the right messages
[00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:26.960]   have no idea what they were the ones picking up so fear held me back shame
[00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:36.880]   held me back sell the shame for again not being able to just get beyond this and
[00:03:36.880 --> 00:03:43.880]   you know cheer up as they say which is a crock of shit you don't share up for
[00:03:43.880 --> 00:03:55.840]   this but was that fucking easy I would have done it four decades ago so how did
[00:03:55.840 --> 00:04:03.680]   isolation affect your survival journey blessing in the curse blessing in that
[00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:15.200]   I could be alone as much as I wanted and I didn't have to you know I didn't have
[00:04:15.200 --> 00:04:20.120]   to show up for anybody I wasn't responsible for somebody kind of the
[00:04:20.120 --> 00:04:32.760]   exact opposite of being the parent of three boys so I'm living and in the
[00:04:32.760 --> 00:04:45.920]   inverse of what I lived for fifteen years probably twenty so isolation has
[00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:50.200]   helped me in that regard it's helped me in that I've been able to have a lot of
[00:04:50.200 --> 00:04:59.000]   time to reflect on my own journey reflect on what's going on where I'm at
[00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:04.960]   how the decisions I've made have gotten me to where I am
[00:05:04.960 --> 00:05:19.760]   the isolation also gave me the opportunity to see through the facade that
[00:05:19.760 --> 00:05:31.680]   everybody holds up to survive in society I see fakeness and in thought in
[00:05:31.680 --> 00:05:41.920]   authenticity like a sore thumb it sticks out really really big so that
[00:05:41.920 --> 00:05:51.000]   affected my journey my my I'm far more attuned to other people's emotions in
[00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:58.760]   what's troubling them it's allowed me to get far more in tune with my own shit
[00:05:58.760 --> 00:06:06.760]   and allowed me to process things in a way that I probably wouldn't have been
[00:06:06.760 --> 00:06:23.480]   able to the isolation of homelessness for sure had an impact on me because you
[00:06:23.480 --> 00:06:31.640]   know being in that mode is not easy when it's something you didn't have any
[00:06:31.640 --> 00:06:41.320]   expectation of having to do and you're kind of thrown into the deep end not
[00:06:41.320 --> 00:06:52.760]   knowing how to swim and its sink or swim it's pure survival so isolation and the
[00:06:52.760 --> 00:07:07.840]   homelessness I've learned how to survive the dark night of the soul let's say
[00:07:07.840 --> 00:07:17.760]   the dark month of the soul or dark year of the soul 2024 my dark year of the soul
[00:07:17.760 --> 00:07:24.480]   an entire fucking year half of it was spent in suicidal ideation the whole year
[00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:36.640]   is spent depressed so yeah that's how it's affected me and a lot of that all
[00:07:36.640 --> 00:07:43.040]   just contributes to the big fucking stew of not wanting to get myself help if
[00:07:43.040 --> 00:07:50.240]   someone listening feels trapped by pride fear shame what would you want them to
[00:07:50.240 --> 00:08:01.040]   hear I'd want them to hear that they need to as much as it may go against what
[00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:09.360]   they're feeling and what they're wanting to do but I would suggest is take a
[00:08:09.360 --> 00:08:18.480]   moment in your day when you're actually feeling better even though when you're
[00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:25.960]   depressed you never really feel better but there are times when the depression
[00:08:25.960 --> 00:08:32.880]   is far more intense and unrelenting and there are other times where you're just
[00:08:32.880 --> 00:08:41.640]   like a bump on a log and just exhausted you're not engaged in the heavy lifting
[00:08:41.640 --> 00:08:45.960]   of the depression you're sort of in a lazy recovery period but you're still
[00:08:45.960 --> 00:08:52.520]   depressed what I suggest is in those moments you reach out to somebody who you
[00:08:52.520 --> 00:08:59.200]   trust I could be somebody who you trust and is a family member or maybe they're
[00:08:59.200 --> 00:09:07.280]   not maybe they're just a friend but the key is to reach out and let them know
[00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:18.360]   what's up because even if you're not actively going and calling a doctor
[00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:27.720]   letting somebody you trust letting them know about what's going on with you is
[00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:36.760]   I can't express how important that is that that could be your one link to getting
[00:09:36.760 --> 00:09:44.000]   better and getting beyond feeling the way you do and I speak from experience
[00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:51.720]   there okay that's 10 minutes for that holding on anyway deep dive I hope that
[00:09:51.720 --> 00:09:59.560]   is good for that episode there's one more prompt I need to read and I'll do that
[00:09:59.560 --> 00:10:01.840]   later
[00:10:01.840 --> 00:10:05.840]   okay thank you Mika