[00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:20.800] Let's see if this thing will record me while I walk here, answering a prompt for holding [00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:29.820] on anyway episode called the fear of getting better. [00:00:29.820 --> 00:00:34.680] Comps are, have you ever felt afraid of what better might mean? [00:00:34.680 --> 00:00:41.320] Yes, I'll elaborate in a moment. [00:00:41.320 --> 00:00:48.920] What's scary about recovery or change, even when you're hurting, next prompt has surviving [00:00:48.920 --> 00:00:54.760] and ever made you feel more lost instead of more clear. [00:00:54.760 --> 00:01:12.660] Yes, and yes. [00:01:12.660 --> 00:01:15.920] And I'm back to the recording here. [00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:27.200] So yeah, I am afraid of what better might be, especially with the treatment I've got coming [00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:42.360] up because there's the potential for me to experience what it's like to not feel depressed. [00:01:42.360 --> 00:01:53.480] And since depression for me goes all the way back to my teenage years and potentially [00:01:53.480 --> 00:02:01.400] my grade school years, I'm not sure I've ever known life without depression. [00:02:01.400 --> 00:02:06.880] So when you ask, have you ever felt afraid of what better might mean? [00:02:06.880 --> 00:02:12.920] Yeah, because I don't know what the fuck better is. [00:02:12.920 --> 00:02:21.940] What's scary about recovery or change, when you're hurting, it's the unknown, you know, [00:02:21.940 --> 00:02:28.280] it's waking up every day, am I, is today going to be a crap day, right? [00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:39.120] Wake up that way this morning, guess what, today's crap day. [00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:56.440] Super depressed, super unmotivated, just feeling like wanting a hurt to stop. [00:02:56.440 --> 00:03:07.160] It's hard to avoid the feeling of just making everything stop. [00:03:07.160 --> 00:03:18.680] Not just the depression, the surviving ever made you feel more lost instead of more clear [00:03:18.680 --> 00:03:25.720] yes with unquestionably done it to me a bunch. [00:03:25.720 --> 00:03:40.680] And the thing that I find is it's as if I feel another layer of the onion back and find [00:03:40.680 --> 00:04:04.520] myself more confused each layer I go when what I should be experiencing is feeling better [00:04:04.520 --> 00:04:14.800] each time from growing and getting more experience but that's not happening or maybe it is and [00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:28.840] I'm just blinded by the depression and the fact that continuing to survive continues [00:04:28.840 --> 00:04:48.900] to make you feel confused and lost it becomes a very tricky thing. [00:04:48.900 --> 00:05:03.540] So yeah, I'm afraid of what the better is and the fact that recovering sends you to a place [00:05:03.540 --> 00:05:10.900] you don't know what's up. [00:05:10.900 --> 00:05:17.380] And the surviving every day, it does make things less clear. [00:05:17.380 --> 00:05:22.460] Like I said, you wake up, you don't know what today's going to bring. [00:05:22.460 --> 00:05:28.380] Most days it's the same shit. [00:05:28.380 --> 00:05:38.500] I'm going to move back to the next prompt, a reflection, what made me stay that day. [00:05:38.500 --> 00:05:47.260] First prompt, thing back to a day when you almost gave up what held you here. [00:05:47.260 --> 00:05:54.180] Last one, was it a person, a sound, a memory, a random detail? [00:05:54.180 --> 00:06:02.900] Next one, what do you wish someone had said to you that day? [00:06:02.900 --> 00:06:10.500] I can start off by saying I wish someone just acknowledged that I existed that day. [00:06:10.500 --> 00:06:20.660] It was as if I walked up by everyone and I was made of glass and there was no substance [00:06:20.660 --> 00:06:21.660] to me. [00:06:21.660 --> 00:06:28.020] It was as if I would walk at someone and they would be looking right through me as if I [00:06:28.020 --> 00:06:35.140] didn't even exist in their crosshairs. [00:06:35.140 --> 00:06:39.860] It's very weird to feel invisible. [00:06:39.860 --> 00:06:50.240] So yeah, it was more just wish somebody had just said anything that day. [00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:59.700] So was it a person, a sound, a memory, a random detail that made me stay? [00:06:59.700 --> 00:07:12.460] I've said it in the previous answer to prompts and that is my kids who aren't really kids [00:07:12.460 --> 00:07:13.460] anymore. [00:07:13.460 --> 00:07:26.140] They're young men from the ages of 18 to 24 and I'm hanging out for them. [00:07:26.140 --> 00:07:35.020] Right now they're at a point in their lives where they don't really seem to need me because [00:07:35.020 --> 00:07:43.700] I've been there all during their upbringing and now's a time when they try to find their [00:07:43.700 --> 00:07:48.100] own identity. [00:07:48.100 --> 00:07:56.260] So yeah, that's it on that one. [00:07:56.260 --> 00:08:04.060] First one is barely but here prompt. [00:08:04.060 --> 00:08:06.700] The sink was still full. [00:08:06.700 --> 00:08:12.420] First question, was there a moment when a simple mess like a full sink or cluttered room became [00:08:12.420 --> 00:08:14.260] overwhelming? [00:08:14.260 --> 00:08:16.900] Yes. [00:08:16.900 --> 00:08:19.980] What did it represent in that moment? [00:08:19.980 --> 00:08:25.260] My failure and inability to meet my responsibilities. [00:08:25.260 --> 00:08:29.460] Was it about failure, exhaustion or something else? [00:08:29.460 --> 00:08:33.460] It was about letting people down. [00:08:33.460 --> 00:08:39.940] And last prompt on that, how did you eventually move through or sit with it? [00:08:39.940 --> 00:08:53.060] So there's many moments where things around me, messy rooms, full sink, garden backyard [00:08:53.060 --> 00:09:06.260] that's a mess and feel instantly as if I've not been pulling my weight and keeping my [00:09:06.260 --> 00:09:24.220] hand to the bargain and it's really defeating to feel that and I get that you're buying [00:09:24.220 --> 00:09:29.740] into this idea that you're not good enough. [00:09:29.740 --> 00:09:44.740] That kind of doesn't, you know, you've got to learn how to make a better decision and [00:09:44.740 --> 00:09:47.380] create more awareness. [00:09:47.380 --> 00:09:58.220] However, emotions are strong, really strong and can make you do silly shit, a lot of silly [00:09:58.220 --> 00:10:08.380] shit before you even realize it. [00:10:08.380 --> 00:10:21.500] You know, this could expand to basically just being triggered, you know, from little moments [00:10:21.500 --> 00:10:31.980] and becomes overwhelming today has been overwhelming and I've done nothing other than sit and beat [00:10:31.980 --> 00:10:42.540] myself up because I'm not doing anything productive to move my life forward. [00:10:42.540 --> 00:10:53.640] Nothing still is lazy to me and I've got to let that go. [00:10:53.640 --> 00:11:06.900] I've had that since I was a fucking kid, a fear of not doing enough, coming up short, [00:11:06.900 --> 00:11:15.820] and having what it takes, not being good enough. [00:11:15.820 --> 00:11:29.580] You know, it's such a hardcore core belief, not feeling like I'm good enough for anything, [00:11:29.580 --> 00:11:39.220] just feeling pretty defeated, we've got to say, you've been at this for decades and [00:11:39.220 --> 00:11:50.260] nothing really shifts in substantive ways that makes the emotions and feelings generated [00:11:50.260 --> 00:12:00.900] from your experiences shift, anything you feel as though you're running in place. [00:12:00.900 --> 00:12:09.660] And then I look at it as like self sabotaging, am I just trying to like sabotage myself? [00:12:09.660 --> 00:12:36.820] I don't get it. [00:12:36.820 --> 00:12:39.560] I think that's good on that one. [00:12:39.560 --> 00:12:49.020] This is a little bit shorter answer session than usual, hopefully there's enough material [00:12:49.020 --> 00:12:56.260] here to work with, let me know if not, and I can get you some more info. [00:12:56.260 --> 00:12:58.540] Cool, thanks for your hope on this.