[00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:12.760]   I thought I'd record a random riff simply because I've been incredibly depressed today,
[00:00:12.760 --> 00:00:22.340]   incredibly frustrated, having incessant, lubing thoughts continuously occupy my mind
[00:00:22.340 --> 00:00:34.460]   space and not freeing up anything, anything. There's no rest. It continues on non-stop.
[00:00:34.460 --> 00:00:42.700]   There's no avoiding it because it's inside your head. It can be badening if you don't
[00:00:42.700 --> 00:00:53.340]   get used to it. And I've been doing it for four decades, so Lord knows I've been there
[00:00:53.340 --> 00:01:06.500]   and done that. I just don't know what the purpose of all this is. You know, am I sent
[00:01:06.500 --> 00:01:18.660]   here to be given a wonderful life and have it fucking ripped away from me. And I just
[00:01:18.660 --> 00:01:30.060]   sit here in this fucking soup of depression. And it's never been more awful than in this
[00:01:30.060 --> 00:01:42.460]   period of my life. These past four years have been an utter fucking hell. Sixteen months
[00:01:42.460 --> 00:01:49.900]   living in my car, feeling so unsafe every night, being harassed by the police because
[00:01:49.900 --> 00:01:58.940]   they don't want homeless people parked sleeping in a parking lot. Not having enough money
[00:01:58.940 --> 00:02:12.740]   by any food, having a small bag of chips for dinner. And that's all you get. Watching
[00:02:12.740 --> 00:02:20.500]   everyone enjoy their fucking lives while you just sit and having nothing you can do about
[00:02:20.500 --> 00:02:33.380]   your situation. Because the fucking depression is in control of the show. It's awful because
[00:02:33.380 --> 00:02:49.060]   it's robbed me of my whole fucking life. And I've just really had it. I'm just fed up.
[00:02:49.060 --> 00:02:57.180]   You know, I'm at a loss. You know, there's like two more treatments I try. And if neither
[00:02:57.180 --> 00:03:17.840]   one of these work, I honestly don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. Okay, I'm done. Ranting.
[00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:24.660]   That was only three minutes, but it felt like 30. That's the other thing that's really
[00:03:24.660 --> 00:03:37.700]   fucked up. Can't concentrate at all. And time is all fucked up. So like I'll be watching
[00:03:37.700 --> 00:03:46.060]   let's say a 10 minute video, three minutes in. I'm wondering how much longer of this shit
[00:03:46.060 --> 00:03:57.280]   do I have to watch? I still get it sometimes. Pretty much the past four years I've been
[00:03:57.280 --> 00:04:03.280]   waking up every day feeling like I'm in the wrong fucking universe. I'm in the wrong
[00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:13.500]   dimension. I'm not. I don't fucking belong here. That's exactly how I have felt for four
[00:04:13.500 --> 00:04:31.260]   fucking years. I don't belong here. I have no sense of belonging. And it's, I can see
[00:04:31.260 --> 00:04:40.900]   the fucking irony on the other side is if I did not have depression, this would be the
[00:04:40.900 --> 00:04:46.360]   most exciting probably one of the most exciting times in my life being able to fucking reinvent
[00:04:46.360 --> 00:05:10.100]   myself. Nope. Ain't gonna happen. So here we are. Head towards the second week of
[00:05:10.100 --> 00:05:21.460]   May 2025. And I started the first week of the new year at a mental hospital as a resident
[00:05:21.460 --> 00:05:33.180]   and a patient. Here I shall find myself five months later. Kind of just fed up and ready
[00:05:33.180 --> 00:05:45.620]   to fucking get off the rock. I'll leave it there. This is long enough rent.