[00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:10.440]   So I'm gonna record here and hopefully this works. Oh please let it work.
[00:00:10.440 --> 00:00:16.680]   Answering the questions for prompt set two for the Bailey barely but here
[00:00:16.680 --> 00:00:30.360]   series I'll speak out so I'll catch you set. Prompt set two first prompt the shower
[00:00:30.360 --> 00:00:37.140]   I couldn't get out of was there a moment where even a shower something routine
[00:00:37.140 --> 00:00:45.960]   became overwhelming yes many times simple things would become overwhelming
[00:00:45.960 --> 00:00:58.020]   and the day would become overwhelming and it was not about the one particular
[00:00:58.020 --> 00:01:08.100]   moment it was more a feeling of you know that moment or thinking about pondering
[00:01:08.100 --> 00:01:18.380]   that thing would trigger what felt like you know being hit by tidal wave of
[00:01:18.380 --> 00:01:26.660]   emotion and worry and over it was more like tipping over the teacup of emotions
[00:01:26.660 --> 00:01:37.620]   and spilling it all over so yeah and that had to do with things like anything
[00:01:37.620 --> 00:01:44.260]   that I would call adulting which is making appointments following up with
[00:01:44.260 --> 00:01:50.700]   people taking a shower reading your mail replying to email like your
[00:01:50.700 --> 00:01:57.380]   responsibilities all of that is out the door and then thinking about any of those
[00:01:57.380 --> 00:02:08.620]   just adds fuel to the to the fire it causes and by fuel to the fire I mean
[00:02:08.620 --> 00:02:15.820]   the depression will suddenly be have a voice of see see you can't do your you
[00:02:15.820 --> 00:02:23.060]   can't stand top of your shit see how like worthless and awful you are so yeah
[00:02:23.060 --> 00:02:30.140]   that's how that rolls the next one is what thoughts were swirling in your mind
[00:02:30.140 --> 00:02:39.380]   in that silence I think I just told you what kind of stuff comes for me what
[00:02:39.380 --> 00:02:47.240]   helped next question it what helped out and returned you to the day even if
[00:03:09.380 --> 00:03:19.980]   I have to convince myself to do one thing I would tell myself if I do this
[00:03:19.980 --> 00:03:30.260]   one thing I don't have to do anything else the rest of the day and so it was
[00:03:30.260 --> 00:03:38.820]   kind of a carrot on a stick idea it worked for me so it was more about
[00:03:38.820 --> 00:03:43.780]   setting a tiny goal and achieving it and if I did that one thing that's all I had
[00:03:43.780 --> 00:03:50.740]   to do for the day prompt number two or topic two when the silence felt like
[00:03:50.740 --> 00:03:57.620]   screaming prompt have you experienced a moment when the quiet around you felt
[00:03:57.620 --> 00:04:18.220]   deafening yes and to the point where you I can hear ringing in my ears and beyond
[00:04:18.220 --> 00:04:27.540]   the acoustic quiet there's a physical quiet so there's a lot of stillness
[00:04:27.540 --> 00:04:34.660]   stillness in your own body stillness in the air because if there's no one
[00:04:34.660 --> 00:04:47.540]   coming or going near you the stillness of the air and the ambience adds to the
[00:04:47.540 --> 00:05:01.820]   intensity of silence what was that day like physically and emotionally
[00:05:06.380 --> 00:05:18.300]   very question so at times if there was silence the internal critic would want to
[00:05:18.300 --> 00:05:26.380]   jump in and fill the space with negativity and criticism and you know
[00:05:26.380 --> 00:05:34.020]   emotionally I just a chips away at you all day you know even even if you're
[00:05:34.020 --> 00:05:37.860]   consciously saying I'm not listening to you I'm not gonna buy into your bullshit
[00:05:37.860 --> 00:05:46.980]   that on a subconscious level it's it's still hit me at some at some more like
[00:05:46.980 --> 00:05:55.420]   root level and then on the physical side I think I've mentioned this before the
[00:05:55.420 --> 00:06:02.820]   level of physical exhaustion your body is tired your brain is beyond tired your
[00:06:02.820 --> 00:06:09.500]   brain is fried you know you just you need to sit in front of a TV and do
[00:06:09.500 --> 00:06:18.740]   something super passive next prompt what did you tell yourself to make it to
[00:06:18.740 --> 00:06:27.180]   the next moment that's another really important question because it's like
[00:06:27.180 --> 00:06:36.780]   how do you how do you keep enduring it how do you keep going on and the thing I
[00:06:36.780 --> 00:06:43.260]   would remind myself and mostly because I've been in it so much is that it will
[00:06:43.260 --> 00:06:48.940]   pass right the depression I'm dealing with is like the weather it's like
[00:06:48.940 --> 00:06:55.900]   weather systems right you know clouds move in it could be three to five days
[00:06:55.900 --> 00:07:03.180]   of cloudiness and often off and on rain during that time and then it'll move
[00:07:03.180 --> 00:07:12.220]   away and things clear up a bit similar to the depression experience however if
[00:07:12.220 --> 00:07:16.780]   you have severe depression chronic depression the clouds move in and they
[00:07:16.780 --> 00:07:25.820]   really don't go right they're always there and it's either dark or super dark
[00:07:25.820 --> 00:07:34.940]   and but there's always dark hods and the rain will be off and on and the storms
[00:07:34.940 --> 00:07:42.540]   are harder when you're in darker place okay
[00:07:43.140 --> 00:07:50.340]   number three hours we're tired and then I thought a text I couldn't bring myself
[00:07:50.340 --> 00:08:00.220]   to send have you ever stared at a message truck all by
[00:08:00.220 --> 00:08:08.140]   and you ever stared at a message or phone number and couldn't hit send yes
[00:08:08.140 --> 00:08:18.660]   several times what did you want to say but couldn't asking for help being
[00:08:18.660 --> 00:08:30.780]   brave enough to ask for help because there's bravery in being vulnerable and
[00:08:30.780 --> 00:08:44.940]   asking for help because in asking you're admitting that you're not well and you
[00:08:44.940 --> 00:08:53.900]   don't know how to get started which is completely rational when this stuff for
[00:08:53.900 --> 00:08:59.380]   first hits people and you have no experience with it what do you do right
[00:08:59.380 --> 00:09:05.140]   I get it you got to ask for help that's why it's really important to have
[00:09:05.140 --> 00:09:11.380]   someone in your life that basically someone you would trust with your life
[00:09:11.380 --> 00:09:18.160]   you know if you have that person in your life that's who you talk to and let's
[00:09:18.160 --> 00:09:22.660]   say you don't have a person in your life that you don't trust with your life
[00:09:22.660 --> 00:09:36.340]   well then who's a friend that you at least consider a friend right it doesn't
[00:09:36.340 --> 00:09:44.980]   have to be a blood brother blood sister you know but yeah I think it's very
[00:09:44.980 --> 00:09:51.660]   important to have someone in your life that you trust so that you can get
[00:09:51.660 --> 00:10:04.100]   beyond the barrier of not being able to say what you want and in my situation I
[00:10:04.100 --> 00:10:09.400]   was unable to hit send like I said because I didn't want help and I didn't
[00:10:09.400 --> 00:10:18.000]   want to admit failure and in the case of my ex-wife I didn't want to add the
[00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:24.040]   burden to her plate she was training for Ironman and the last thing I wanted to
[00:10:24.040 --> 00:10:30.160]   do was add more to her plate on top of her job and training in the Army Forces
[00:10:30.160 --> 00:10:39.340]   so what do you wish someone would have said to you in that moment I wish that
[00:10:39.400 --> 00:10:50.800]   I had spoken out and then I couldn't go to hell but I might not be here
[00:10:50.800 --> 00:10:58.720]   building this library of content about these topics if somebody said
[00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:08.560]   something to me but you know the ultimately the thing I probably wish for
[00:11:08.560 --> 00:11:15.320]   the most is if my ex-wife said come on come we're getting in the car right now
[00:11:15.320 --> 00:11:20.280]   we're gonna go to coffee shops and I'd be like okay then we go get coffee and
[00:11:20.280 --> 00:11:28.440]   then I said it going home she will take me to the hospital yeah take me to the
[00:11:28.440 --> 00:11:33.720]   mental hospital and get some real serious help I wish that happened I
[00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:42.960]   wouldn't be where I am but that's life okay prompt set number four the moment I
[00:11:42.960 --> 00:11:48.840]   wasn't sure I wanted to be seen talk about a time you avoided people not
[00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:54.920]   because of them because of shame what were you hiding what do you now
[00:11:54.920 --> 00:12:05.840]   understand about that choice to withdraw yeah to withdraw okay I have hundreds if
[00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:18.480]   not probably thousands of times in my life I have a decision to avoid people I
[00:12:18.480 --> 00:12:28.800]   first noticed I was doing it intentionally and I was in great school and what would
[00:12:28.800 --> 00:12:34.280]   happen is I'd be walking down the street I grew up in the Northeast streets are
[00:12:34.280 --> 00:12:40.400]   narrow and they have they have old tiny sidewalks that run straight down the
[00:12:40.400 --> 00:12:47.680]   street in front of you know front porch after front porch and there's cars parked
[00:12:47.680 --> 00:12:52.600]   down both sides of the street and really only one car can fit down the street
[00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:57.800]   so you know what car has to pull over so the other one can then go down the
[00:12:57.800 --> 00:13:06.000]   street so what would happen is I'd be walking down the sidewalk and on my way
[00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:14.520]   home and if I saw somebody walking on the same sidewalk I was on and they were
[00:13:14.520 --> 00:13:24.120]   walking towards me I would instantly walk between the cars look to cross the
[00:13:24.120 --> 00:13:30.640]   street and go to the other side to avoid that person now before I did that I'd
[00:13:30.640 --> 00:13:35.240]   look to see if there was somebody on the other side of the street too because
[00:13:35.240 --> 00:13:43.160]   why just why jump over if I'm already gonna have to walk past somebody and I
[00:13:43.160 --> 00:13:50.040]   I felt really ashamed like all the time
[00:13:50.040 --> 00:13:56.640]   because when I was little I was it was really drilled into my head that I wasn't
[00:13:56.640 --> 00:14:07.040]   good enough and I believe I was hiding my fear in those thoughts because to share
[00:14:07.040 --> 00:14:17.560]   them or admit them you know would get buy-in from that person or confirm what I
[00:14:17.560 --> 00:14:29.320]   don't want to hear right so you hide and mask out of fear of them confirming
[00:14:29.320 --> 00:14:40.600]   your worst dreams and survival that's really kind of where it comes from in
[00:14:40.600 --> 00:14:48.040]   essence you want your interaction with the person to be as quick as possible
[00:14:48.040 --> 00:14:53.800]   brief as possible do what you need to do exchange your permission that needs to
[00:14:53.800 --> 00:15:01.200]   happen and then thank you have a nice day and now what do I understand about the
[00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:09.400]   choice to withdraw that the choice to withdraw from people and places and
[00:15:09.400 --> 00:15:20.600]   things closes doors it limits opportunity it limits possibility it narrows the
[00:15:20.600 --> 00:15:31.240]   scope of your life and who wants that who wants to if I tell you hey we're gonna
[00:15:31.240 --> 00:15:36.280]   build walls and you're gonna live your life between this set of walls I'm
[00:15:36.280 --> 00:15:41.200]   pretty sure every damn person be like fuck you I ain't doing that I want to go
[00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:48.760]   whatever direction I want and fine but I guarantee you well not guaranteed I
[00:15:48.760 --> 00:15:57.440]   submit that there's probably a 75% chance of greater that person makes some of
[00:15:57.440 --> 00:16:03.240]   their decisions about what to do or not to do from a place of sheer that is
[00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:11.840]   rooted in some childhood trauma that set in place a core belief about them that
[00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:22.760]   most likely is operating in a subconscious level so yeah that's it 15 minutes let's
[00:16:22.760 --> 00:16:25.360]   hope this works