[00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:14.940]   okay this is gonna be a batch recording of barely but here episodes so without
[00:00:14.940 --> 00:00:28.480]   further ado number one the title of this the morning I didn't want to move
[00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:36.880]   describe the morning you felt like the air itself was too heavy to move through
[00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:47.760]   there was a morning where I think I've mentioned before the idea of toaster
[00:00:47.760 --> 00:00:56.320]   brain where you just when you open when you gain consciousness it's like you
[00:00:56.320 --> 00:01:05.880]   were already awake your mind is fully on and you just open your eyes it was a
[00:01:05.880 --> 00:01:14.120]   morning like that except when I opened my eyes I was looking straight into the
[00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:43.520]   darkness and like your cock that really thick the humor starts my body so heavy and I tried to move on inside of my body to the other. I can feel the left is new.
[00:01:43.520 --> 00:02:07.320]   and it was yeah it was a very tough morning next question how did you find this
[00:02:07.320 --> 00:02:22.360]   or inertia even the level great question well for this particular morning in this
[00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:32.520]   particular day I never really got out of bed I stayed in bed all day and really
[00:02:32.520 --> 00:02:41.160]   only thing that got me out of bed was mother nature having to pee or use the
[00:02:41.160 --> 00:02:56.760]   toilet and you know relieve myself otherwise I think it got up one maybe two
[00:02:56.760 --> 00:03:07.700]   times to get some water otherwise the only moving I did was rolling over in
[00:03:07.700 --> 00:03:16.440]   bed when I would wake up and it was hard to find the strength for that how did
[00:03:16.440 --> 00:03:27.480]   those moments like even sitting up any small movement matter more than I
[00:03:27.480 --> 00:03:39.280]   realized you know in the moment you don't realize anything other than
[00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:52.800]   feeling it's one of the things about depression assault so in the moment I
[00:03:52.800 --> 00:04:20.980]   don't know that's the end of those questions and that's the end of the
[00:04:20.980 --> 00:04:31.320]   morning I didn't want to move next one number two nights that feel endless first
[00:04:31.320 --> 00:04:38.020]   prompt talk about a night where time felt frozen stuck inside your thoughts
[00:04:38.020 --> 00:04:51.360]   pacing the room etc. there was a night
[00:05:08.020 --> 00:05:24.540]   wave and I couldn't find the whole night I was really distraught and yeah
[00:05:38.020 --> 00:06:07.100]   that was a tough night I
[00:06:07.100 --> 00:06:15.820]   I didn't sleep that night when I heard the word divorce come out of her lips
[00:06:15.820 --> 00:06:24.500]   once one small thing that helped me survive until morning this is an
[00:06:24.500 --> 00:06:35.580]   excellent question you know I don't know within the moment that particular
[00:06:35.580 --> 00:06:53.980]   example of having first here the word divorce and have that be the the right
[00:06:53.980 --> 00:07:01.780]   thing because I was so dissociated from time and space when that really hit me I
[00:07:01.780 --> 00:07:17.980]   was just caught in my loop thought loops but what helped me survive actually I
[00:07:17.980 --> 00:07:28.860]   was thinking about tomorrow and what I was gonna do tomorrow that I had heard
[00:07:28.860 --> 00:07:35.980]   that news there was really nothing else I could do but I was so distraught and
[00:07:35.980 --> 00:07:45.260]   so wrecked I was just up all night but thinking about tomorrow was a small
[00:07:45.260 --> 00:07:51.020]   thing what if someone feels trapped in an endless night right now what would you
[00:07:51.020 --> 00:08:10.460]   say to them I would say that I know sleep may not feel like your friend right
[00:08:10.460 --> 00:08:21.660]   now because everything's heavy and it's hard to stop your mind maybe and relax
[00:08:21.660 --> 00:08:33.660]   I get that however if you don't rest you're gonna crash and burn nobody wants
[00:08:33.660 --> 00:08:41.020]   that I don't want that for you you don't want that for you the people that love
[00:08:41.020 --> 00:08:52.580]   you don't want that for you so I would say whatever thought you're doing
[00:08:52.580 --> 00:09:20.300]   only on everything I would just be honest think of the time and you're going to need to break the whole thing around just every day. Think of the time and keep that state.
[00:09:22.580 --> 00:09:50.900]   I'm getting a little bit of a good deal of thunder. I'm getting a lot of stuff. I'm getting a little bit of a good deal. I remember it. I remember it. I remember it. That race is what's important.
[00:09:50.900 --> 00:10:05.580]   Next week number three. This is the third and final set of answers. When I thought I was a burden share
[00:10:05.580 --> 00:10:19.060]   moment when you deeply believed you were just too much for others to deal with I had this feeling
[00:10:19.060 --> 00:10:41.340]   a burden then fell off. I wasn't blind to it. I think I think it was a long time to get a little bit of a bargain even if I was trying to shut up.
[00:10:41.340 --> 00:11:09.140]   That feeling is too much to deal with because you're not normal we're just creating extra work
[00:11:09.140 --> 00:11:16.140]   and extra stress for everybody you know you're supposed to be the one that's the
[00:11:16.140 --> 00:11:28.220]   chill father and everybody can around you can relax so yeah prompt how did you
[00:11:28.220 --> 00:11:41.220]   sit with that pain without letting it win. Oh this is the thing about this.
[00:11:58.220 --> 00:12:22.220]   Yea that pain and not letting it win and let's not forget the amount of nasty required trying to keep it at their age and not let it poison the family dynamic.
[00:12:22.220 --> 00:12:40.220]   That was paramount to me. I was large. Yea. Next prompt. What do you understand now about being a burden?
[00:12:40.220 --> 00:12:47.220]   Your past self could have an end.
[00:12:47.220 --> 00:13:08.220]   That something I didn't realize was being in the practice was that I had value and that I mattered
[00:13:08.220 --> 00:13:24.220]   and I mattered maybe not to myself but I mattered to other people like my three boys and I thought
[00:13:24.220 --> 00:13:37.220]   you know I mattered if I take me away from them that's not going to be cool they're going to have a hard time making sense of that
[00:13:37.220 --> 00:13:44.220]   and I don't want them thinking they were any part of it because they're not I don't know where they have her
[00:13:44.220 --> 00:14:00.220]   so I think if there's anything else in that last prompt
[00:14:00.220 --> 00:14:05.220]   Yea what do I understand now about being a burden?
[00:14:05.220 --> 00:14:14.220]   Yea I really had to keep thinking about it but I always had to keep thinking about it
[00:14:14.220 --> 00:14:23.220]   because I had to keep thinking about it because I don't know if I had to keep thinking about it
[00:14:23.220 --> 00:14:37.220]   and I thought I had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it
[00:14:37.220 --> 00:14:51.220]   and think about it because I had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it
[00:14:51.220 --> 00:15:05.220]   and I had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it
[00:15:05.220 --> 00:15:19.220]   Yea I always had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it
[00:15:19.220 --> 00:15:33.220]   Yea I always had to keep thinking about it because I had to keep thinking about it
[00:15:33.220 --> 00:15:35.800]   (wind blowing)
[00:16:03.220 --> 00:16:05.800]   (wind blowing)
[00:16:33.220 --> 00:16:35.800]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:03.220 --> 00:17:05.800]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:33.220 --> 00:17:35.400]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:35.400 --> 00:17:38.480]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:41.080]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:41.080 --> 00:17:44.660]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:44.660 --> 00:17:47.260]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:47.260 --> 00:17:50.260]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:50.260 --> 00:17:53.560]   (wind blowing)
[00:17:53.560 --> 00:17:56.000]   Alright, I'm gonna end it here.
[00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:58.300]   I don't wanna lose this recording.
[00:17:58.300 --> 00:18:00.300]   (wind blowing)