Sep 09, 2016 9:38:20 AM (Read by you after 38 minutes, 55 seconds) +13038752587

I need your talents for 5mins this morning

Sep 09, 2016 2:14:38 PM berchman@mac.com

hey there. I’m offline at the moment. actually on a mini-getaway with Liz. We’re in Mammoth Lakes in the Sierra’s at a race called Graniteman that takes place over 3 days. Liz did the swim this morning and came in 2nd overall and first place woman.

Sep 09, 2016 2:14:38 PM Me

hey there. I’m offline at the moment. actually on a mini-getaway with Liz. We’re in Mammoth Lakes in the Sierra’s at a race called Graniteman that takes place over 3 days. Liz did the swim this morning and came in 2nd overall and first place woman.

Sep 09, 2016 2:21:28 PM +13038752587

Cool

Sep 09, 2016 2:22:14 PM (Read by you after 21 minutes, 26 seconds) +13038752587

Did you bring computer?

Sep 09, 2016 2:44:19 PM Me

I have it but Internet is not great

Sep 09, 2016 2:44:20 PM berchman@mac.com

I have it but Internet is not great

Sep 09, 2016 2:57:58 PM +13038752587

Can you create psd for home page

Sep 09, 2016 2:58:33 PM (Read by you after 6 seconds) +13038752587

That will get him going

Sep 09, 2016 2:58:51 PM (Read by you after 9 seconds) berchman@mac.com

Don’t we already have that?

Sep 09, 2016 2:58:51 PM berchman@mac.com

Don’t we already have that?

Sep 09, 2016 2:58:51 PM Me

Don’t we already have that?

Sep 09, 2016 2:59:00 PM +13038752587

Then you can tether to your phone wifi to email it

Sep 09, 2016 2:59:09 PM berchman@mac.com

based on the one Dave selected?

Sep 09, 2016 2:59:09 PM Me

based on the one Dave selected?

Sep 09, 2016 2:59:15 PM +13038752587

All you sent were png files

Sep 09, 2016 2:59:18 PM +13038752587

Yes

Sep 09, 2016 3:02:56 PM +13038752587

You may have already create it

Sep 09, 2016 3:03:34 PM (Read by you after 4 minutes, 7 seconds) +13038752587

Then we need to review inside pages to make sure we are giving him all assets

Sep 09, 2016 3:05:27 PM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 14 seconds) +13038752587

Tell Liz congrats!!!

Sep 09, 2016 3:07:53 PM (Read by you after 31 seconds) berchman@mac.com

he can get those off the web

Sep 09, 2016 3:07:53 PM berchman@mac.com

he can get those off the web

Sep 09, 2016 3:07:53 PM Me

he can get those off the web

Sep 09, 2016 3:07:58 PM (Read by you after 26 seconds) berchman@mac.com

internal page assets

Sep 09, 2016 3:07:58 PM Me

internal page assets

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:15 PM Me

I don’t have them, I would just go and copy them off the current website

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:16 PM (Read by you after 8 seconds) berchman@mac.com

I don’t have them, I would just go and copy them off the current website

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:24 PM +13038752587

Ok

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:34 PM berchman@mac.com

the file I have is an adobe illustrator file, not Photoshop

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:34 PM Me

the file I have is an adobe illustrator file, not Photoshop

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:34 PM (Read by you after 21 minutes, 33 seconds) berchman@mac.com

the file I have is an adobe illustrator file, not Photoshop

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:59 PM (Read by you after 21 minutes, 8 seconds) berchman@mac.com

I can’t remember which number he picked? 8, 9, 10?

Sep 09, 2016 3:08:59 PM Me

I can’t remember which number he picked? 8, 9, 10?

Sep 09, 2016 3:09:14 PM +13038752587

10

Sep 13, 2016 11:23:10 AM (Read by you after 6 seconds) +13038752587

He said he needs a psd formatted file- does not have access to ai

Sep 24, 2016 8:48:45 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 39 minutes, 50 seconds) +13038752587

Sent you 250 yesterday

Sep 24, 2016 1:29:09 PM Me

Cool thanks. Is that include 500 from other day?

Sep 24, 2016 1:29:09 PM berchman@mac.com

Cool thanks. Is that include 500 from other day?

May 30, 2018 8:29:00 AM (Read by you after 35 days, 4 hours, 28 minutes, 7 seconds) berchman@mac.com

3-3, singles. 6 stolen bases.

Jun 02, 2018 12:12:21 AM Me

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/99-invisible/id394775318?mt=2&i=1000402216969

Jul 03, 2018 2:16:02 AM Me

https://apple.news/AshTeehqMS-e3I3ZJlG0UHQ

Sep 01, 2018 6:32:03 AM (Read by them after 35 minutes, 50 seconds) Me

5005 E Los Angeles Ave, Simi Valley, CA 93063

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3861 Poppyseed Ln, Calabasas, CA 91302

Mar 14, 2019 10:41:27 AM Me

NPR.org

Apr 04, 2019 1:34:26 PM Me

12:10 pm appt time for DrGross

Apr 05, 2019 12:05:50 PM Me

Tally get out of debt took

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How To Buy A House, In 7 Steps -

Apr 15, 2019 9:07:44 AM Me

NPR.org

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https://apple.news/AyLHwxmToQbiEE4KfapP4vg

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Happiness quotient

Jul 05, 2019 12:35:00 PM (Read by them after 1 minute, 2 seconds) Me

1233 State St, Santa Barbara, CA 93101

Sep 27, 2019 11:57:02 AM Me

Mens Haircuts Trends

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Men's Hairstyle Trends

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Men's Hairstyle Trends

Oct 07, 2019 10:48:38 AM Me

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Feb 12, 2020 3:26:12 PM Me

1960 Cate Mesa Rd, Carpinteria, CA 93013

Feb 22, 2020 12:24:12 PM Me

46605 Dillon Rd Coachella CA 92236

Aug 12, 2020 5:40:10 PM Me

Depression is much much too much sadness, much too much grief, at far too slight a cause. Andrew Solomon

Aug 12, 2020 5:41:02 PM Me

Interstices

Aug 21, 2020 7:32:41 PM Me

Remember what has happened will never be again

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Twitter

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Twitter

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DartCounter by DartCounter

Dec 10, 2020 7:09:01 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

DartCounter

Dec 10, 2020 7:09:14 PM Me

Dartsmind by zaglab

Dec 10, 2020 7:09:19 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Dartsmind

Jan 06, 2021 1:44:55 PM Me

Twitter

Jan 07, 2021 2:23:05 PM Me

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/6b/Jasper_Johns%27s_%27Flag%27%2C_Encaustic%2C_oil_and_collage_on_fabric_mounted_on_plywood%2C1954-55.jpg

Feb 08, 2021 8:56:13 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

https://www.herbibot.com/?show=1990/6/16

Feb 08, 2021 9:05:57 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

L4LM

Jun 30, 2021 4:56:16 AM Me

https://join.tts.gsa.gov/join/executive-director/

Aug 20, 2021 8:38:05 PM Me

Allowance And Acceptance

Nov 03, 2021 10:28:42 AM Me

Dec 09, 2021 11:45:19 AM Me

Dec 16, 2021 11:18:48 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Jan 07, 2022 5:30:31 PM Me

https://accounts.google.com/ServiceLogin?service=wise&passive=1209600&continue=https://docs.google.com/document/d/1meZj67LgfRi5yf7nj_zCO0cIXqmRf5NzBul9uY47u5M/edit?usp%3Dsharing&followup=https://docs.google.com/document/d/1meZj67LgfRi5yf7nj_zCO0cIXqmRf5NzBul9uY47u5M/edit?usp%3Dsharing<mpl=docs

Jan 21, 2022 1:49:34 PM Me

Jan 25, 2022 9:56:14 PM Me

e6A.jXsyp*f69LY

Feb 24, 2022 10:54:56 PM Me

Feb 24, 2022 10:55:07 PM Me

Below is my office information: 119 Figueroa St. Suite 7 Ventura CA 93001 There is a designated parking lot behind the building (the parking lot can be accessed from either Figueroa St or from Santa Clara St). Once you are in the parking lot, you will see three Victorian buildings. My office is in the 2nd (middle) of the three Victorian buildings. To enter the building, you need to enter a door code. Front and Back Door Code: 52106 Once you enter the building, you can take a seat in the waiting room and I will come out to meet you. Please wear a face covering in the common areas when you first enter the building. If you have any trouble getting in, you can also send me a text: 626 590 2972.

Mar 01, 2022 10:17:32 PM Me

A3-XWEJLE-BTQ9CM

Mar 01, 2022 10:17:48 PM Me

-RGZCB-44XSQ-SMV52-T2GN4

Mar 29, 2022 9:22:55 PM Me

Reactions:

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Jun 19, 2022 4:32:09 PM Me

Our strategy of ignoring real problems and fighting fake ones does not seem to be working.

Jun 19, 2022 4:32:23 PM Me

Jun 21, 2022 10:44:11 AM Me

https://insig.ht/PpADigbR2qb

Jul 15, 2022 9:39:20 PM Me

Unable to locate attachment: shared.png

Hey! Check out this awesome quote on Insight Timer, the world's largest free library of wellbeing content.

Jul 15, 2022 9:39:21 PM Me

https://insig.ht/ubyPmVGrHrb

Jul 18, 2022 9:33:34 AM Me

Twitter

Aug 29, 2022 2:01:46 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

onepassword://team-account/add?email=bert.mahoney%40gmail.com&key=A3-HZ9Y2E-TSHZSK-XL9QF-KW5HQ-SQP8F-KF4MC&server=https%3A%2F%2Fmy.1password.com%2F

Sep 02, 2022 5:59:22 PM Me

Hey! Check out this awesome quote on Insight Timer, the world's largest free library of wellbeing content.

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Sep 10, 2022 3:01:10 PM Me

I had to make a run to town to get prescriptions. Some thing I felt last time came up again and it’s really powerful when I feel it. I hate being in public because all I see are people relaxed and enjoying their lives and having fun. It was like that driving into town all summer. All I realize is every day is just anxiety and depression again. Go to sleep wake up and do it again. Go to sleep wake up and do it again. Go to sleep wake up and do it again. Every day I wake up and I find myself at war with myself every fucking day for over 400 days I am so fucking done with this. I can’t turn it off in my head and I can’t make it stop. I’ve running out of options

Sep 13, 2022 4:58:52 PM Me

https://insig.ht/5mPD3iTHitb

Sep 30, 2022 12:08:48 PM Me

I’ve noticed I’ve developed a severe aversion to people. In fact I’ve noticed that when people get physically close to me I have a huge need to move away. If somebody brushes up against me or inadvertently touches my hand I feel a huge repulsion in mind and body. It is if my subconscious has decided some thing that I haven’t figured out yet

Oct 03, 2022 11:38:39 AM Me

Twitter

Oct 03, 2022 11:53:49 AM Me

5154 5005

Oct 20, 2022 12:09:18 AM Me

A3-HZ9Y2E-TSHZSK-XL9QF-KW5HQ-SQP8F-KF4MC

Nov 06, 2022 3:29:37 PM Me

Serious Eats

Nov 09, 2022 4:10:27 PM Me

https://accounts.google.com/v3/signin/identifier?dsh=S-1727762571%3A1668035426732800&continue=https%3A%2F%2Fdocs.google.com%2Fdocument%2Fd%2F1xcIA8OPMempKN_9dWaCrFzUckthCYCycsSim56gQ3Oc%2Fedit&followup=https%3A%2F%2Fdocs.google.com%2Fdocument%2Fd%2F1xcIA8OPMempKN_9dWaCrFzUckthCYCycsSim56gQ3Oc%2Fedit<mpl=docs&osid=1&passive=1209600&service=wise&flowName=WebLiteSignIn&flowEntry=ServiceLogin&ifkv=ARgdvAvn1HNl2I_TII4X1AtbgqaUXtChP7GTsDuwviYgO31PxeUJE8k0L709aWylzTOML8EkwF2hRg#

Nov 09, 2022 4:10:42 PM Me

https://mail.google.com/Content/60795

Dec 05, 2022 8:43:11 PM Me

A3-HZ9Y2E-TSHZSK-XL9QF-KW5HQ-SQP8F-KF4MC

Jan 16, 2023 11:46:02 AM Me

Jan 16, 2023 11:46:03 AM Me

Twitter

Jan 16, 2023 11:46:05 AM Me

Yo It’s been an incredibly rough 5 days and counting until our next session. I feel underlying hostility from Liz sometimes. Like she wants to either yell at me, or tell me to get out of the house. I’m not sure. What I do know is that she said divorce I know I do NOT want that at all. However we’ve not talked, really talked about things in years, and Covid hit, I went to the dark side and got MYSELF back with no help from her and now it’s “game over?” I understand that I hurt her. She does not seem to understand it’s not in me to hurt her no matter WHAT state of mind I’m in. I would NEVER DISHONOR HER, and I will MARK MY WORDS… DIE ON THAT HILL TO MY DYING DAY. the millisecond I sensed distress I was next to her face hearing and seeing her cry when she took the pillow off her head that SHE PUT ON. Up until that moment I heard and saw her crying, intimacy was proceeding like it had FOR YEARS. Her reactions, like allowing me to take off her pants, pulling a pillow over her head because she likes it dark. And soon after I got out of bed for a minute to disrobe. She didn’t move, had the pillow over her face and head, and could have gotten out of bed, or got up and told me to leave, and I would have. I mean look at how long I’ve waited, years, to have triathlon in the rear view and I can finally spend time with her. But no, I’m getting tossed out of my marriage because why? I was mentally ill? I needed help and refused. Well then have an intervention. Don’t let me go deeper and do nothing. All I wanted was her to acknowledge I existed and cared about me. THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I was incapacitated and incapable to self advocate for regular Bert. He’s back and now has to sacrifice his family and wife. None of it makes sense 😭😭😭😭 Ok off to bed big presentation tomorrow for work. Also, I kicked ass on my first project None of the logic makes sense to me. Maybe because I’m in it. What am I not seeing? Other than she wants a divorce? I mean the emotional and mental toll I took from all the rejection from her for years. I ALWAYS REPECTED HER WISHES no matter how hard up I was. Fuck, it makes no sense We’ve been married 22 years and together almost 30 and I’m all of a sudden just going to go off??? No, not happening and never did. Why would I hurt my wife when all I want to do is love her? Fuck I’m so sad 😭 crying writing all this Why do I feel this is being used as a way to make a divorce happen because she knows no other way? And her stare at me while I cry is empty of empathy or caring. It hurts a lot Depressed about divorce. I don’t want it. I feel that this is the “bad times” we made a vow to be committed, and work thru it. However I think Liz is so invested in her story of events that nothing I say or do will matter. Her mind is made up and she is very stubborn. The unfairness of this, seeing I was clinically mentally ill, doesn’t excuse it. I get no chance of redemption? After 20+ years and all the rejection I tolerated for years while she was training? It feels fucking selfish to me honestly. She got what she needed out of me, watch the kids while she trains to make Kona. Kona’s done so she’s done with me now. I really cannot wait until tomorrow’s session. I plan to ask… Why could you not keep your promise of connecting with me every week, especially when we missed a week? This went on for years. Your rejection over and over began to convince me you didn’t care. This went on for years. Then it became like I was invisible here. Totally forgotten. I was a non priority, if that. You promised me and I quote, “believe me, when something’s wrong YOU WILL KNOW!” That never happened, explain?? I realize I should have spoken up. However I was of the mindset that I was giving her what she wanted for training and I didn't want to “ be a cry baby “ because I wasn't getting attention. I was ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. I wanted her to succeed and achieve a life goal. I kept thinking that when this is over (kona) well be able to connect again. But no, she's apparently done with me. What to do????? I'm mad, depressed and sad all at once. Feeling terrible because I feel I'll end up getting a divorce and I don't deserve that. She's always gotten her way in our relationship since she started chasing Kona. Over the years she's become accustomed to always doing what SHE wants and having her way. She had me literally begging for her attention more than once over the years. We’ll my turn to get what I want. I don't know if we’ll bridge this. I'm concerned that she's been talking about her story in therapy and having it and her perspective of BEING RIGHT REINFORCED. I'm very mad with her therapist who promised me we would come back and talk, but never have. I want to contact her and ask why? She's allowing Liz to break more promises As much as I look forward to telling my side of the experience, whenever that conflicts with hers, you lose. As if her side is gospel. Make it make sense. I’ve been a good person, a good husband, and a good father my while life why so I deserve this? Think of it this way. How many other times have I been rejected and done nothing? Dozens of not hundreds I would never dishonor my wife no matter what state of mind. Someone could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t do it. Yet that’s what I stand accused of. Why hasn’t time even begin to heal wounds? Im fine waiting as long as I have to in order to show her I’m worthy. I love her so goddamnd much this is SO HARD TO ENDURE. And I was on the Death Star for a while and came back. This is that level of intensity Why on earth would I traumatize my wife after watching what my mother went through while I was getting it too. She put up with so much. Talking physical and emotional violence, breaking shit all over the house going on a rage fest. I would never bring that kind of suffering to those I love, least of all her I feel, while not perfect, I’ve been a good husband and father to our boys. I am human, and they make mistakes. I’m feeling compassion for others suffering and their inability to get beyond it. This past year I got past some suffering. I forgave my father for all his shit. I feel compassion for what he went thru being big brother to 5 little brothers and sisters at the age of 13 after your dad got sick and died. No one did counseling back then. He’s carried his demons all his life and to some degree still does. I think he’s got alot of unresolved issues he may not know about. My point being, after all he did to me, my mom, and Russ, all the suffering and lifetime of mental troubles he loaded us all with. I stopped being angry this past visit and finally saw a human being who has carried his demons all his life and never been able to take them on. It’s sad because my dad would have had a vastly different life if his father had lived, and I think that haunts him. I feel deep compassion and sadness for him. I also love him as a flawed human being - which is like us all. I feel deep compassion, sadness, and remorse, guilt and shame for causing Liz suffering. I in turn have unleashed a self hatred like no other while trying to find a way off the Death Star. My self inflicted suffering these past 18 months have been brutal. I’ve been back and there again in my mind so many times, each time focusing on another angle or perspective in my quest to understand just what I did to Liz. I feel that I’ve studied it well and truly understand it’s impact. I feel lucky that I can see and understand this. It truly makes me happy that I can look at something from all angles and take it all in. For the first time in my life last year I did find brief moments of peace where my mind was truly at meditative rest. Quite blissful and nice to visit. This needs to be shared with her in seeing Share this in counseling Just thinking that I’m grateful Liz is open to keep talking. Makes me think. If one were truly set on divorce would you waste time going thru motions of counseling? I don’t think I would, I’d be done. How can you be done when we’ve sat in counseling sessions 3 times in 30 years? That’s a sign of selfishness if you ask me It’s my way or the highway. My marriage in a sentence Although that may not be overtly the mantra someone is living by, it’s how I’ve felt for past 6-7 years Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling We’ll be done by 3:45pm PST I will let you know how it goes. Please please send good energy and mojo my way! I need all the good energy I can muster to be prepared and present without becoming emotionally a mess. Last time, our first time, I lost it when she wanted a divorce. The grief and anguish that swept over me I could not stop. Been processing the grief all week When she said she wanted… Hearing her say that put a sword 🗡 thru my heart 💔 Can’t remember if she said one, but July 4th came up and we’re going to talk thru that today. I guess we’ll each state our side of the story and then work through it. We’ve not done this and I regret passing on the chance when Liz took me to her therapist. She asked if we should talk thru it and I didn’t want to run Liz thru the trauma again. 😢 I clearly said my intention was to work through this and keep our marriage together. I’m hopeful that somehow, someway she’ll truly and deeply show compassion, forgiveness, and mercy to me but that may never come and I’m fully aware￼Just re

d the term “toxic loneliness” and that fits the last 5 years for me We’re supposed to talk about that night. But for me context is everything. Rejection, begging for sex, and when it did happen I was asked “make it quick.” How’s that for a live life? Went on for years and I sucked it up. Didn’t want to seem weak and like a crybaby. In my mind I was helping Liz with Triathlon by demanding less from her. Well that didn’t work out I’m not sure how you talk about the night without talking about the relationship before. This is a good question to ask the therapist Men have been taught that talking about there feelings and needs is weakness. This universal belief is the cause of many broken relationships. Everyone feels, everyone has needs and speaking your truth is a strength not a weakness. That is correct. I knew nothing of her state of mind until I could hear her upset after she moved the pillow she was holding on her head. Before that, it was like any other evening dozens of times before. I’m ok journaling about it, but I wanted to ask you what to avoid. Should I journal and then send it your way to proofread? Upon reflection Laurie (therapists name) did keep asking me questions and did make a point to make sure I knew I was being heard. She was deferential to me in a way that stood out, I felt we focused on me 90% of the time. Anyhow something else stood out at the end. Laurie thanked Liz for showing such grace. I reread the definition and it’s the “act of showing kindness or compassion to someone who doesn’t deserve it.” I’m in the middle of this and think I’m making too much of it. The anxious mind is creating stories it’s trying to sell me on. Anyhow would welcome your opinion and feedback. Am i selfish? Truly and really am I that contemptible? Am I in a denial of some kind? because of my mental issues blocking me seeing it? Regarding “everything was status quo for a normal evening together,” it seemed like a regular night, but I was buzzed and wanted to connect with Liz. However, I also was severely depressed and not fun to be around. She had an aversion to me that feels like it’s now in cement. On the other hand, she was terrified of me despite knowing I wouldn’t hurt her. Sometimes when triggered, I can get emotional and raise my voice. If you remember my father, yes, I can be LOUD and come with a vibe like I’ll hurt you if you don’t listen to me. I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.

Jan 16, 2023 11:47:55 AM Me

It’s been an incredibly rough 5 days and counting until our next session. I feel underlying hostility from Liz sometimes. Like she wants to either yell at me, or tell me to get out of the house. I’m not sure. What I do know is that she said divorce I know I do NOT want that at all. However we’ve not talked, really talked about things in years, and Covid hit, I went to the dark side and got MYSELF back with no help from her and now it’s “game over?” I understand that I hurt her. She does not seem to understand it’s not in me to hurt her no matter WHAT state of mind I’m in. I would NEVER DISHONOR HER, and I will MARK MY WORDS… DIE ON THAT HILL TO MY DYING DAY. the millisecond I sensed distress I was next to her face hearing and seeing her cry when she took the pillow off her head that SHE PUT ON. Up until that moment I heard and saw her crying, intimacy was proceeding like it had FOR YEARS. Her reactions, like allowing me to take off her pants, pulling a pillow over her head because she likes it dark. And soon after I got out of bed for a minute to disrobe. She didn’t move, had the pillow over her face and head, and could have gotten out of bed, or got up and told me to leave, and I would have. I mean look at how long I’ve waited, years, to have triathlon in the rear view and I can finally spend time with her. But no, I’m getting tossed out of my marriage because why? I was mentally ill? I needed help and refused. Well then have an intervention. Don’t let me go deeper and do nothing. All I wanted was her to acknowledge I existed and cared about me. THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I was incapacitated and incapable to self advocate for regular Bert. He’s back and now has to sacrifice his family and wife. None of it makes sense 😭😭😭😭 Ok off to bed big presentation tomorrow for work. Also, I kicked ass on my first project None of the logic makes sense to me. Maybe because I’m in it. What am I not seeing? Other than she wants a divorce? I mean the emotional and mental toll I took from all the rejection from her for years. I ALWAYS REPECTED HER WISHES no matter how hard up I was. Fuck, it makes no sense We’ve been married 22 years and together almost 30 and I’m all of a sudden just going to go off??? No, not happening and never did. Why would I hurt my wife when all I want to do is love her? Fuck I’m so sad 😭 crying writing all this Why do I feel this is being used as a way to make a divorce happen because she knows no other way? And her stare at me while I cry is empty of empathy or caring. It hurts a lot Depressed about divorce. I don’t want it. I feel that this is the “bad times” we made a vow to be committed, and work thru it. However I think Liz is so invested in her story of events that nothing I say or do will matter. Her mind is made up and she is very stubborn. The unfairness of this, seeing I was clinically mentally ill, doesn’t excuse it. I get no chance of redemption? After 20+ years and all the rejection I tolerated for years while she was training? It feels fucking selfish to me honestly. She got what she needed out of me, watch the kids while she trains to make Kona. Kona’s done so she’s done with me now. I really cannot wait until tomorrow’s session. I plan to ask… Why could you not keep your promise of connecting with me every week, especially when we missed a week? This went on for years. Your rejection over and over began to convince me you didn’t care. This went on for years. Then it became like I was invisible here. Totally forgotten. I was a non priority, if that. You promised me and I quote, “believe me, when something’s wrong YOU WILL KNOW!” That never happened, explain?? I realize I should have spoken up. However I was of the mindset that I was giving her what she wanted for training and I didn't want to “ be a cry baby “ because I wasn't getting attention. I was ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. I wanted her to succeed and achieve a life goal. I kept thinking that when this is over (kona) well be able to connect again. But no, she's apparently done with me. What to do????? I'm mad, depressed and sad all at once. Feeling terrible because I feel I'll end up getting a divorce and I don't deserve that. She's always gotten her way in our relationship since she started chasing Kona. Over the years she's become accustomed to always doing what SHE wants and having her way. She had me literally begging for her attention more than once over the years. We’ll my turn to get what I want. I don't know if we’ll bridge this. I'm concerned that she's been talking about her story in therapy and having it and her perspective of BEING RIGHT REINFORCED. I'm very mad with her therapist who promised me we would come back and talk, but never have. I want to contact her and ask why? She's allowing Liz to break more promises As much as I look forward to telling my side of the experience, whenever that conflicts with hers, you lose. As if her side is gospel. Make it make sense. I’ve been a good person, a good husband, and a good father my while life why so I deserve this? Think of it this way. How many other times have I been rejected and done nothing? Dozens of not hundreds I would never dishonor my wife no matter what state of mind. Someone could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t do it. Yet that’s what I stand accused of. Why hasn’t time even begin to heal wounds? Im fine waiting as long as I have to in order to show her I’m worthy. I love her so goddamnd much this is SO HARD TO ENDURE. And I was on the Death Star for a while and came back. This is that level of intensity Why on earth would I traumatize my wife after watching what my mother went through while I was getting it too. She put up with so much. Talking physical and emotional violence, breaking shit all over the house going on a rage fest. I would never bring that kind of suffering to those I love, least of all her I feel, while not perfect, I’ve been a good husband and father to our boys. I am human, and they make mistakes. I’m feeling compassion for others suffering and their inability to get beyond it. This past year I got past some suffering. I forgave my father for all his shit. I feel compassion for what he went thru being big brother to 5 little brothers and sisters at the age of 13 after your dad got sick and died. No one did counseling back then. He’s carried his demons all his life and to some degree still does. I think he’s got alot of unresolved issues he may not know about. My point being, after all he did to me, my mom, and Russ, all the suffering and lifetime of mental troubles he loaded us all with. I stopped being angry this past visit and finally saw a human being who has carried his demons all his life and never been able to take them on. It’s sad because my dad would have had a vastly different life if his father had lived, and I think that haunts him. I feel deep compassion and sadness for him. I also love him as a flawed human being - which is like us all. I feel deep compassion, sadness, and remorse, guilt and shame for causing Liz suffering. I in turn have unleashed a self hatred like no other while trying to find a way off the Death Star. My self inflicted suffering these past 18 months have been brutal. I’ve been back and there again in my mind so many times, each time focusing on another angle or perspective in my quest to understand just what I did to Liz. I feel that I’ve studied it well and truly understand it’s impact. I feel lucky that I can see and understand this. It truly makes me happy that I can look at something from all angles and take it all in. For the first time in my life last year I did find brief moments of peace where my mind was truly at meditative rest. Quite blissful and nice to visit. This needs to be shared with her in seeing Share this in counseling Just thinking that I’m grateful Liz is open to keep talking. Makes me think. If one were truly set on divorce would you waste time going thru motions of counseling? I don’t think I would, I’d be done. How can you be done when we’ve sat in counseling sessions 3 times in 30 years? That’s a sign of selfishness if you ask me It’s my way or the highway. My marriage in a sentence Although that may not be overtly the mantra someone is living by, it’s how I’ve felt for past 6-7 years Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling We’ll be done by 3:45pm PST I will let you know how it goes. Please please send good energy and mojo my way! I need all the good energy I can muster to be prepared and present without becoming emotionally a mess. Last time, our first time, I lost it when she wanted a divorce. The grief and anguish that swept over me I could not stop. Been processing the grief all week When she said she wanted… Hearing her say that put a sword 🗡 thru my heart 💔 Can’t remember if she said one, but July 4th came up and we’re going to talk thru that today. I guess we’ll each state our side of the story and then work through it. We’ve not done this and I regret passing on the chance when Liz took me to her therapist. She asked if we should talk thru it and I didn’t want to run Liz thru the trauma again. 😢 I clearly said my intention was to work through this and keep our marriage together. I’m hopeful that somehow, someway she’ll truly and deeply show compassion, forgiveness, and mercy to me but that may never come and I’m fully aware Just read the term “toxic loneliness” and that fits the last 5 years for me We’re supposed to talk about that night. But for me context is everything. Rejection, begging for sex, and when it did happen I was asked “make it quick.” How’s that for a live life? Went on for years and I sucked it up. Didn’t want to seem weak and like a crybaby. In my mind I was helping Liz with Triathlon by demanding less from her. Well that didn’t work out I’m not sure how you talk about the night without talking about the relationship before. This is a good question to ask the therapist Men have been taught that talking about there feelings and needs is weakness. This universal belief is the cause of many broken relationships. Everyone feels, everyone has needs and speaking your truth is a strength not a weakness. That is correct. I knew nothing of her state of mind until I could hear her upset after she moved the pillow she was holding on her head. Before that, it was like any other evening dozens of times before. I’m ok journaling about it, but I wanted to ask you what to avoid. Should I journal and then send it your way to proofread? Upon reflection Laurie (therapists name) did keep asking me questions and did make a point to make sure I knew I was being heard. She was deferential to me in a way that stood out, I felt we focused on me 90% of the time. Anyhow something else stood out at the end. Laurie thanked Liz for showing such grace. I reread the definition and it’s the “act of showing kindness or compassion to someone who doesn’t deserve it.” I’m in the middle of this and think I’m making too much of it. The anxious mind is creating stories it’s trying to sell me on. Anyhow would welcome your opinion and feedback. Am i selfish? Truly and really am I that contemptible? Am I in a denial of some kind? because of my mental issues blocking me seeing it? Regarding “everything was status quo for a normal evening together,” it seemed like a regular night, but I was buzzed and wanted to connect with Liz. However, I also was severely depressed and not fun to be around. She had an aversion to me that feels like it’s now in cement. On the other hand, she was terrified of me despite knowing I wouldn’t hurt her. Sometimes when triggered, I can get emotional and raise my voice. If you remember my father, yes, I can be LOUD and come with a vibe like I’ll hurt you if you don’t listen to me. I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.

Jan 16, 2023 11:48:45 AM Me

Jan 16, 2023 11:48:47 AM Me

Yo

It’s been an incredibly rough 5 days and counting until our next session. I feel underlying hostility from Liz sometimes. Like she wants to either yell at me, or tell me to get out of the house. I’m not sure. What I do know is that she said divorce I know I do NOT want that at all. However we’ve not talked, really talked about things in years, and Covid hit, I went to the dark side and got MYSELF back with no help from her and now it’s “game over?” I understand that I hurt her. She does not seem to understand it’s not in me to hurt her no matter WHAT state of mind I’m in. I would NEVER DISHONOR HER, and I will MARK MY WORDS… DIE ON THAT HILL TO MY DYING DAY. the millisecond I sensed distress I was next to her face hearing and seeing her cry when she took the pillow off her head that SHE PUT ON. Up until that moment I heard and saw her crying, intimacy was proceeding like it had FOR YEARS. Her reactions, like allowing me to take off her pants, pulling a pillow over her head because she likes it dark. And soon after I got out of bed for a minute to disrobe. She didn’t move, had the pillow over her face and head, and could have gotten out of bed, or got up and told me to leave, and I would have. I mean look at how long I’ve waited, years, to have triathlon in the rear view and I can finally spend time with her. But no, I’m getting tossed out of my marriage because why? I was mentally ill? I needed help and refused. Well then have an intervention. Don’t let me go deeper and do nothing. All I wanted was her to acknowledge I existed and cared about me. THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I was incapacitated and incapable to self advocate for regular Bert. He’s back and now has to sacrifice his family and wife. None of it makes sense 😭😭😭😭 Ok off to bed big presentation tomorrow for work. Also, I kicked ass on my first project None of the logic makes sense to me. Maybe because I’m in it. What am I not seeing? Other than she wants a divorce? I mean the emotional and mental toll I took from all the rejection from her for years. I ALWAYS REPECTED HER WISHES no matter how hard up I was. Fuck, it makes no sense We’ve been married 22 years and together almost 30 and I’m all of a sudden just going to go off??? No, not happening and never did. Why would I hurt my wife when all I want to do is love her? Fuck I’m so sad 😭 crying writing all this Why do I feel this is being used as a way to make a divorce happen because she knows no other way? And her stare at me while I cry is empty of empathy or caring. It hurts a lot Depressed about divorce. I don’t want it. I feel that this is the “bad times” we made a vow to be committed, and work thru it. However I think Liz is so invested in her story of events that nothing I say or do will matter. Her mind is made up and she is very stubborn. The unfairness of this, seeing I was clinically mentally ill, doesn’t excuse it. I get no chance of redemption? After 20+ years and all the rejection I tolerated for years while she was training? It feels fucking selfish to me honestly. She got what she needed out of me, watch the kids while she trains to make Kona. Kona’s done so she’s done with me now. I really cannot wait until tomorrow’s session. I plan to ask… Why could you not keep your promise of connecting with me every week, especially when we missed a week? This went on for years. Your rejection over and over began to convince me you didn’t care. This went on for years. Then it became like I was invisible here. Totally forgotten. I was a non priority, if that. You promised me and I quote, “believe me, when something’s wrong YOU WILL KNOW!” That never happened, explain?? I realize I should have spoken up. However I was of the mindset that I was giving her what she wanted for training and I didn't want to “ be a cry baby “ because I wasn't getting attention. I was ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. I wanted her to succeed and achieve a life goal. I kept thinking that when this is over (kona) well be able to connect again. But no, she's apparently done with me. What to do????? I'm mad, depressed and sad all at once. Feeling terrible because I feel I'll end up getting a divorce and I don't deserve that. She's always gotten her way in our relationship since she started chasing Kona. Over the years she's become accustomed to always doing what SHE wants and having her way. She had me literally begging for her attention more than once over the years. We’ll my turn to get what I want. I don't know if we’ll bridge this. I'm concerned that she's been talking about her story in therapy and having it and her perspective of BEING RIGHT REINFORCED. I'm very mad with her therapist who promised me we would come back and talk, but never have. I want to contact her and ask why? She's allowing Liz to break more promises As much as I look forward to telling my side of the experience, whenever that conflicts with hers, you lose. As if her side is gospel. Make it make sense. I’ve been a good person, a good husband, and a good father my while life why so I deserve this? Think of it this way. How many other times have I been rejected and done nothing? Dozens of not hundreds I would never dishonor my wife no matter what state of mind. Someone could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t do it. Yet that’s what I stand accused of. Why hasn’t time even begin to heal wounds? Im fine waiting as long as I have to in order to show her I’m worthy. I love her so goddamnd much this is SO HARD TO ENDURE. And I was on the Death Star for a while and came back. This is that level of intensity Why on earth would I traumatize my wife after watching what my mother went through while I was getting it too. She put up with so much. Talking physical and emotional violence, breaking shit all over the house going on a rage fest. I would never bring that kind of suffering to those I love, least of all her I feel, while not perfect, I’ve been a good husband and father to our boys. I am human, and they make mistakes. I’m feeling compassion for others suffering and their inability to get beyond it. This past year I got past some suffering. I forgave my father for all his shit. I feel compassion for what he went thru being big brother to 5 little brothers and sisters at the age of 13 after your dad got sick and died. No one did counseling back then. He’s carried his demons all his life and to some degree still does. I think he’s got alot of unresolved issues he may not know about. My point being, after all he did to me, my mom, and Russ, all the suffering and lifetime of mental troubles he loaded us all with. I stopped being angry this past visit and finally saw a human being who has carried his demons all his life and never been able to take them on. It’s sad because my dad would have had a vastly different life if his father had lived, and I think that haunts him. I feel deep compassion and sadness for him. I also love him as a flawed human being - which is like us all. I feel deep compassion, sadness, and remorse, guilt and shame for causing Liz suffering. I in turn have unleashed a self hatred like no other while trying to find a way off the Death Star. My self inflicted suffering these past 18 months have been brutal. I’ve been back and there again in my mind so many times, each time focusing on another angle or perspective in my quest to understand just what I did to Liz. I feel that I’ve studied it well and truly understand it’s impact. I feel lucky that I can see and understand this. It truly makes me happy that I can look at something from all angles and take it all in. For the first time in my life last year I did find brief moments of peace where my mind was truly at meditative rest. Quite blissful and nice to visit. This needs to be shared with her in seeing Share this in counseling Just thinking that I’m grateful Liz is open to keep talking. Makes me think. If one were truly set on divorce would you waste time going thru motions of counseling? I don’t think I would, I’d be done. How can you be done when we’ve sat in counseling sessions 3 times in 30 years? That’s a sign of selfishness if you ask me It’s my way or the highway. My marriage in a sentence Although that may not be overtly the mantra someone is living by, it’s how I’ve felt for past 6-7 years Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling We’ll be done by 3:45pm PST I will let you know how it goes. Please please send good energy and mojo my way! I need all the good energy I can muster to be prepared and present without becoming emotionally a mess. Last time, our first time, I lost it when she wanted a divorce. The grief and anguish that swept over me I could not stop. Been processing the grief all week When she said she wanted… Hearing her say that put a sword 🗡 thru my heart 💔 Can’t remember if she said one, but July 4th came up and we’re going to talk thru that today. I guess we’ll each state our side of the story and then work through it. We’ve not done this and I regret passing on the chance when Liz took me to her therapist. She asked if we should talk thru it and I didn’t want to run Liz thru the trauma again. 😢 I clearly said my intention was to work through this and keep our marriage together. I’m hopeful that somehow, someway she’ll truly and deeply show compassion, forgiveness, and mercy to me but that may never come and I’m fully aware￼Just read the term “toxic loneliness” and that fits the last 5 years for me We’re supposed to talk about that night. But for me context is everything. Rejection, begging for sex, and when it did happen I was asked “make it quick.” How’s that for a live life? Went on for years and I sucked it up. Didn’t want to seem weak and like a crybaby. In my mind I was helping Liz with Triathlon by demanding less from her. Well that didn’t work out I’m not sure how you talk about the night without talking about the relationship before. This is a good question to ask the therapist Men have been taught that talking about there feelings and needs is weakness. This universal belief is the cause of many broken relationships. Everyone feels, everyone has needs and speaking your truth is a strength not a weakness. That is correct. I knew nothing of her state of mind until I could hear her upset after she moved the pillow she was holding on her head. Before that, it was like any other evening dozens of times before. I’m ok journaling about it, but I wanted to ask you what to avoid. Should I journal and then send it your way to proofread? Upon reflection Laurie (therapists name) did keep asking me questions and did make a point to make sure I knew I was being heard. She was deferential to me in a way that stood out, I felt we focused on me 90% of the time. Anyhow something else stood out at the end. Laurie thanked Liz for showing such grace. I reread the definition and it’s the “act of showing kindness or compassion to someone who doesn’t deserve it.” I’m in the middle of this and think I’m making too much of it. The anxious mind is creating stories it’s trying to sell me on. Anyhow would welcome your opinion and feedback. Am i selfish? Truly and really am I that contemptible? Am I in a denial of some kind? because of my mental issues blocking me seeing it? Regarding “everything was status quo for a normal evening together,” it seemed like a regular night, but I was buzzed and wanted to connect with Liz. However, I also was severely depressed and not fun to be around. She had an aversion to me that feels like it’s now in cement. On the other hand, she was terrified of me despite knowing I wouldn’t hurt her. Sometimes when triggered, I can get emotional and raise my voice. If you remember my father, yes, I can be LOUD and come with a vibe like I’ll hurt you if you don’t listen to me. I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.

Jan 16, 2023 11:52:43 AM Me

It’s been an incredibly rough 5 days and counting until our next session. I feel underlying hostility from Liz sometimes. Like she wants to either yell at me, or tell me to get out of the house. I’m not sure. What I do know is that she said divorce I know I do NOT want that at all. However we’ve not talked, really talked about things in years, and Covid hit, I went to the dark side and got MYSELF back with no help from her and now it’s “game over?” I understand that I hurt her. She does not seem to understand it’s not in me to hurt her no matter WHAT state of mind I’m in. I would NEVER DISHONOR HER, and I will MARK MY WORDS… DIE ON THAT HILL TO MY DYING DAY. the millisecond I sensed distress I was next to her face hearing and seeing her cry when she took the pillow off her head that SHE PUT ON. Up until that moment I heard and saw her crying, intimacy was proceeding like it had FOR YEARS. Her reactions, like allowing me to take off her pants, pulling a pillow over her head because she likes it dark. And soon after I got out of bed for a minute to disrobe. She didn’t move, had the pillow over her face and head, and could have gotten out of bed, or got up and told me to leave, and I would have. I mean look at how long I’ve waited, years, to have triathlon in the rear view and I can finally spend time with her. But no, I’m getting tossed out of my marriage because why? I was mentally ill? I needed help and refused. Well then have an intervention. Don’t let me go deeper and do nothing. All I wanted was her to acknowledge I existed and cared about me. THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I was incapacitated and incapable to self advocate for regular Bert. He’s back and now has to sacrifice his family and wife. None of it makes sense 😭😭😭😭 Ok off to bed big presentation tomorrow for work. Also, I kicked ass on my first project I mean the emotional and mental toll I took from all the rejection from her for years. I ALWAYS REPECTED HER WISHES no matter how hard up I was. Fuck, it makes no sense We’ve been married 22 years and together almost 30 and I’m all of a sudden just going to go off??? No, not happening and never did. Why would I hurt my wife when all I want to do is love her? Fuck I’m so sad 😭 crying writing all this Why do I feel this is being used as a way to make a divorce happen because she knows no other way? And her stare at me while I cry is empty of empathy or caring. It hurts a lot Depressed about divorce. I don’t want it. I feel that this is the “bad times” we made a vow to be committed, and work thru it. However I think Liz is so invested in her story of events that nothing I say or do will matter. Her mind is made up and she is very stubborn. The unfairness of this, seeing I was clinically mentally ill, doesn’t excuse it. I get no chance of redemption? After 20+ years and all the rejection I tolerated for years while she was training? It feels fucking selfish to me honestly. She got what she needed out of me, watch the kids while she trains to make Kona. Kona’s done so she’s done with me now. I really cannot wait until tomorrow’s session. I plan to ask… Why could you not keep your promise of connecting with me every week, especially when we missed a week? This went on for years. Your rejection over and over began to convince me you didn’t care. This went on for years. Then it became like I was invisible here. Totally forgotten. I was a non priority, if that. You promised me and I quote, “believe me, when something’s wrong YOU WILL KNOW!” That never happened, explain?? I realize I should have spoken up. However I was of the mindset that I was giving her what she wanted for training and I didn't want to “ be a cry baby “ because I wasn't getting attention. I was ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. I wanted her to succeed and achieve a life goal. I kept thinking that when this is over (kona) well be able to connect again. But no, she's apparently done with me. What to do????? I'm mad, depressed and sad all at once. Feeling terrible because I feel I'll end up getting a divorce and I don't deserve that. All the rejection and ignorance has to count for something? She's always gotten her way in our relationship since she started chasing Kona. Over the years she's become accustomed to always doing what SHE wants and having her way. She had me literally begging for her attention more than once over the years. We’ll my turn to get what I want. I don't know if we’ll bridge this. I'm concerned that she's been talking about her story in therapy and having it and her perspective of BEING RIGHT REINFORCED. I'm very mad with her therapist who promised me we would come back and talk, but never have. I want to contact her and ask why? She's allowing Liz to break more promises As much as I look forward to telling my side of the experience, whenever that conflicts with hers, you lose. As if her side is gospel. Make it make sense. I’ve been a good person, a good husband, and a good father my while life why so I deserve this? Think of it this way. How many other times have I been rejected and done nothing? Dozens of not hundreds I would never dishonor my wife no matter what state of mind. Someone could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t do it. Yet that’s what I stand accused of. Why hasn’t time even begin to heal wounds? Im fine waiting as long as I have to in order to show her I’m worthy. I love her so goddamnd much this is SO HARD TO ENDURE. And I was on the Death Star for a while and came back. This is that level of intensity Why on earth would I traumatize my wife after watching what my mother went through while I was getting it too. She put up with so much. Talking physical and emotional violence, breaking shit all over the house going on a rage fest. I would never bring that kind of suffering to those I love, least of all her I feel, while not perfect, I’ve been a good husband and father to our boys. I am human, and they make mistakes. I’m feeling compassion for others suffering and their inability to get beyond it. This past year I got past some suffering. I forgave my father for all his shit. I feel compassion for what he went thru being big brother to 5 little brothers and sisters at the age of 13 after your dad got sick and died. No one did counseling back then. He’s carried his demons all his life and to some degree still does. I think he’s got alot of unresolved issues he may not know about. My point being, after all he did to me, my mom, and Russ, all the suffering and lifetime of mental troubles he loaded us all with. I stopped being angry this past visit and finally saw a human being who has carried his demons all his life and never been able to take them on. It’s sad because my dad would have had a vastly different life if his father had lived, and I think that haunts him. I feel deep compassion and sadness for him. I also love him as a flawed human being - which is like us all. I feel deep compassion, sadness, and remorse, guilt and shame for causing Liz suffering. I in turn have unleashed a self hatred like no other while trying to find a way off the Death Star. My self inflicted suffering these past 18 months have been brutal. I’ve been back and there again in my mind so many times, each time focusing on another angle or perspective in my quest to understand just what I did to Liz. I feel that I’ve studied it well and truly understand it’s impact. I feel lucky that I can see and understand this. It truly makes me happy that I can look at something from all angles and take it all in. For the first time in my life last year I did find brief moments of peace where my mind was truly at meditative rest. Quite blissful and nice to visit. This needs to be shared with her in seeing Share this in counseling Just thinking that I’m grateful Liz is open to keep talking. Makes me think. If one were truly set on divorce would you waste time going thru motions of counseling? I don’t think I would, I’d be done. How can you be done when we’ve sat in counseling sessions 3 times in 30 years? That’s a sign of selfishness if you ask me It’s my way or the highway. My marriage in a sentence Although that may not be overtly the mantra someone is living by, it’s how I’ve felt for past 6-7 years Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling Just read the term “toxic loneliness” and that fits the last 5 years for me We’re supposed to talk about that night. But for me context is everything. Rejection, begging for sex, and when it did happen I was asked “make it quick.” How’s that for a live life? Went on for years and I sucked it up. Didn’t want to seem weak and like a crybaby. In my mind I was helping Liz with Triathlon by demanding less from her. Well that didn’t work out I’m not sure how you talk about the night without talking about the relationship before. This is a good question to ask the therapist Men have been taught that talking about there feelings and needs is weakness. This universal belief is the cause of many broken relationships. Everyone feels, everyone has needs and speaking your truth is a strength not a weakness. That is correct. I knew nothing of her state of mind until I could hear her upset after she moved the pillow she was holding on her head. Before that, it was like any other evening dozens of times before. Regarding “everything was status quo for a normal evening together,” it seemed like a regular night, but I was buzzed and wanted to connect with Liz. However, I also was severely depressed and not fun to be around. She had an aversion to me that feels like it’s now in cement. On the other hand, she was terrified of me despite knowing I wouldn’t hurt her. Sometimes when triggered, I can get emotional and raise my voice. If you remember my father, yes, I can be LOUD and come with a vibe like I’ll hurt you if you don’t listen to me. I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.

Jan 16, 2023 11:53:11 AM Me

It’s been an incredibly rough 5 days and counting until our next session. I feel underlying hostility from Liz sometimes. Like she wants to either yell at me, or tell me to get out of the house. I’m not sure. What I do know is that she said divorce I know I do NOT want that at all. However we’ve not talked, really talked about things in years, and Covid hit, I went to the dark side and got MYSELF back with no help from her and now it’s “game over?” I understand that I hurt her. She does not seem to understand it’s not in me to hurt her no matter WHAT state of mind I’m in. I would NEVER DISHONOR HER, and I will MARK MY WORDS… DIE ON THAT HILL TO MY DYING DAY. the millisecond I sensed distress I was next to her face hearing and seeing her cry when she took the pillow off her head that SHE PUT ON. Up until that moment I heard and saw her crying, intimacy was proceeding like it had FOR YEARS. Her reactions, like allowing me to take off her pants, pulling a pillow over her head because she likes it dark. And soon after I got out of bed for a minute to disrobe. She didn’t move, had the pillow over her face and head, and could have gotten out of bed, or got up and told me to leave, and I would have. I mean look at how long I’ve waited, years, to have triathlon in the rear view and I can finally spend time with her. But no, I’m getting tossed out of my marriage because why? I was mentally ill? I needed help and refused. Well then have an intervention. Don’t let me go deeper and do nothing. All I wanted was her to acknowledge I existed and cared about me. THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I was incapacitated and incapable to self advocate for regular Bert. He’s back and now has to sacrifice his family and wife. None of it makes sense 😭😭😭😭 Ok off to bed big presentation tomorrow for work. Also, I kicked ass on my first project I mean the emotional and mental toll I took from all the rejection from her for years. I ALWAYS REPECTED HER WISHES no matter how hard up I was. Fuck, it makes no sense We’ve been married 22 years and together almost 30 and I’m all of a sudden just going to go off??? No, not happening and never did. Why would I hurt my wife when all I want to do is love her? Fuck I’m so sad 😭 crying writing all this Why do I feel this is being used as a way to make a divorce happen because she knows no other way? And her stare at me while I cry is empty of empathy or caring. It hurts a lot Depressed about divorce. I don’t want it. I feel that this is the “bad times” we made a vow to be committed, and work thru it. However I think Liz is so invested in her story of events that nothing I say or do will matter. Her mind is made up and she is very stubborn. The unfairness of this, seeing I was clinically mentally ill, doesn’t excuse it. I get no chance of redemption? After 20+ years and all the rejection I tolerated for years while she was training? It feels fucking selfish to me honestly. She got what she needed out of me, watch the kids while she trains to make Kona. Kona’s done so she’s done with me now. I really cannot wait until tomorrow’s session. I plan to ask… Why could you not keep your promise of connecting with me every week, especially when we missed a week? This went on for years. Your rejection over and over began to convince me you didn’t care. This went on for years. Then it became like I was invisible here. Totally forgotten. I was a non priority, if that. You promised me and I quote, “believe me, when something’s wrong YOU WILL KNOW!” That never happened, explain?? I realize I should have spoken up. However I was of the mindset that I was giving her what she wanted for training and I didn't want to “ be a cry baby “ because I wasn't getting attention. I was ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. I wanted her to succeed and achieve a life goal. I kept thinking that when this is over (kona) well be able to connect again. But no, she's apparently done with me. What to do????? I'm mad, depressed and sad all at once. Feeling terrible because I feel I'll end up getting a divorce and I don't deserve that. All the rejection and ignorance has to count for something? She's always gotten her way in our relationship since she started chasing Kona. Over the years she's become accustomed to always doing what SHE wants and having her way. She had me literally begging for her attention more than once over the years. We’ll my turn to get what I want. I don't know if we’ll bridge this. I'm concerned that she's been talking about her story in therapy and having it and her perspective of BEING RIGHT REINFORCED. I'm very mad with her therapist who promised me we would come back and talk, but never have. I want to contact her and ask why? She's allowing Liz to break more promises As much as I look forward to telling my side of the experience, whenever that conflicts with hers, you lose. As if her side is gospel. Make it make sense. I’ve been a good person, a good husband, and a good father my while life why so I deserve this? Think of it this way. How many other times have I been rejected and done nothing? Dozens of not hundreds I would never dishonor my wife no matter what state of mind. Someone could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t do it. Yet that’s what I stand accused of. Why hasn’t time even begin to heal wounds? Im fine waiting as long as I have to in order to show her I’m worthy. I love her so goddamnd much this is SO HARD TO ENDURE. And I was on the Death Star for a while and came back. This is that level of intensity Why on earth would I traumatize my wife after watching what my mother went through while I was getting it too. She put up with so much. Talking physical and emotional violence, breaking shit all over the house going on a rage fest. I would never bring that kind of suffering to those I love, least of all her I feel, while not perfect, I’ve been a good husband and father to our boys. I am human, and they make mistakes. I’m feeling compassion for others suffering and their inability to get beyond it. This past year I got past some suffering. I forgave my father for all his shit. I feel compassion for what he went thru being big brother to 5 little brothers and sisters at the age of 13 after your dad got sick and died. No one did counseling back then. He’s carried his demons all his life and to some degree still does. I think he’s got alot of unresolved issues he may not know about. My point being, after all he did to me, my mom, and Russ, all the suffering and lifetime of mental troubles he loaded us all with. I stopped being angry this past visit and finally saw a human being who has carried his demons all his life and never been able to take them on. It’s sad because my dad would have had a vastly different life if his father had lived, and I think that haunts him. I feel deep compassion and sadness for him. I also love him as a flawed human being - which is like us all. I feel deep compassion, sadness, and remorse, guilt and shame for causing Liz suffering. I in turn have unleashed a self hatred like no other while trying to find a way off the Death Star. My self inflicted suffering these past 18 months have been brutal. I’ve been back and there again in my mind so many times, each time focusing on another angle or perspective in my quest to understand just what I did to Liz. I feel that I’ve studied it well and truly understand it’s impact. I feel lucky that I can see and understand this. It truly makes me happy that I can look at something from all angles and take it all in. For the first time in my life last year I did find brief moments of peace where my mind was truly at meditative rest. Quite blissful and nice to visit. This needs to be shared with her in seeing Share this in counseling Just thinking that I’m grateful Liz is open to keep talking. Makes me think. If one were truly set on divorce would you waste time going thru motions of counseling? I don’t think I would, I’d be done. How can you be done when we’ve sat in counseling sessions 3 times in 30 years? That’s a sign of selfishness if you ask me It’s my way or the highway. My marriage in a sentence Although that may not be overtly the mantra someone is living by, it’s how I’ve felt for past 6-7 years Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling Just read the term “toxic loneliness” and that fits the last 5 years for me We’re supposed to talk about that night. But for me context is everything. Rejection, begging for sex, and when it did happen I was asked “make it quick.” How’s that for a live life? Went on for years and I sucked it up. Didn’t want to seem weak and like a crybaby. In my mind I was helping Liz with Triathlon by demanding less from her. Well that didn’t work out I’m not sure how you talk about the night without talking about the relationship before. This is a good question to ask the therapist Men have been taught that talking about there feelings and needs is weakness. This universal belief is the cause of many broken relationships. Everyone feels, everyone has needs and speaking your truth is a strength not a weakness. That is correct. I knew nothing of her state of mind until I could hear her upset after she moved the pillow she was holding on her head. Before that, it was like any other evening dozens of times before. Regarding “everything was status quo for a normal evening together,” it seemed like a regular night, but I was buzzed and wanted to connect with Liz. However, I also was severely depressed and not fun to be around. She had an aversion to me that feels like it’s now in cement. On the other hand, she was terrified of me despite knowing I wouldn’t hurt her. Sometimes when triggered, I can get emotional and raise my voice. If you remember my father, yes, I can be LOUD and come with a vibe like I’ll hurt you if you don’t listen to me. I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.

Jan 19, 2023 8:33:13 PM Me

Twitter

Feb 05, 2023 8:43:24 PM Me

Footbal World

Feb 23, 2023 11:52:03 AM Me

Hey! Check out this awesome quote on Insight Timer, the world's largest free library of wellbeing content.

Mar 08, 2023 12:03:36 PM Me

Microsoft Teams

Mar 09, 2023 11:44:53 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Microsoft Teams

Apr 22, 2023 5:57:59 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

YouTube

May 21, 2023 10:33:07 PM Me

https://bum.bb/u/U8yh7CFi

Jul 11, 2023 10:46:29 AM Me

A3-HZ9Y2E-TSHZSK-XL9QF-KW5HQ-SQP8F-KF4MC

Jul 12, 2023 11:07:49 PM Me

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Aug 27, 2023 7:59:51 AM Me

https://www.cityofwestfield.org/DocumentCenter/View/419/Mechanic-Street-Cemetery---Burials-Inventory-List?bidId=

Aug 27, 2023 8:02:03 AM Me

Cemetery Department 4 Holcomb Street Westfield, MA 01085 (413)572-6263 as the entry gate is locked.

Sep 05, 2023 10:26:17 AM Me

How to view art like an expert : Life Kit

Sep 05, 2023 10:26:20 AM Me

NPR

Sep 13, 2023 6:14:05 PM Me

it was 1993. And at the time the baby boomers took up every possible job There was karma or at least it felt like it. Period. So when I started my career it was tough to find opportunities because the boomers had all the jobs nobody was retiring. And what opportunities did come up? was hard to get an interview for. Finally, at some point, I did land an interview and I did my under job, but it took over two years.

Nov 29, 2023 3:32:45 PM Me

https://accounts.google.com/v3/signin/identifier?continue=https%3A%2F%2Fdocs.google.com%2Fdocument%2Fd%2F10t8ZgslE5wHurSpyb-rU_Hn558rcq-YgX9hgHJ7xUhw%2Fedit%3Fusp%3Dsharing&followup=https%3A%2F%2Fdocs.google.com%2Fdocument%2Fd%2F10t8ZgslE5wHurSpyb-rU_Hn558rcq-YgX9hgHJ7xUhw%2Fedit%3Fusp%3Dsharing&ifkv=ASKXGp20jakTC3KkjlR5APxlLRiUZ-KPbyp2j6pIx2ofK2p1MpEfXS0B29GLKZxLSLLAm2ET3gy6<mpl=docs&osid=1&passive=1209600&service=wise&flowName=WebLiteSignIn&flowEntry=ServiceLogin&dsh=S-1844456623%3A1701297164008026

Feb 01, 2024 7:26:24 PM Me

https://share.1password.com/s#WznH6zt_y8ud7FaZycBwpwoID2Fl-pIqOG8lWNAdx58

Feb 20, 2024 11:16:38 AM Me

That asteroid did us a favor. Dinosaur 🦖

Feb 20, 2024 12:31:39 PM Me

neurodivergent dude / dudette guy / gal

Feb 22, 2024 4:59:34 PM Me

2126 Knoll Dr · 2126 Knoll Dr, Ventura, CA 93003

Mar 11, 2024 4:18:25 PM Me

https://account.venmo.com/u/bertmahoney

Mar 30, 2024 2:29:52 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

May 28, 2024 12:10:19 AM Me

Been door dashing for 30mins and so far nada. Having this as a daily stress and disrupter is hard. Anyhow… was just thinking that people are out of town, it’s Memorial Day Weekend. So orders will not be coming in like usual. I say that while parked in Starbucks parking lot at 9:30am and its 75% empty, on a Sunday — that NEVER happens A $9 bill for a channel that Liz watches hit my account this week, one of the dips into my pocket. I texted her about it and asked if she could send me the $9 because it would help me eat. That was 3 days ago. She’s busy at “art in the park” this weekend selling her art and making even more money on top of her salary and horse training. I’m living like this and under CA law I technically should not be living like this. I should be setup with the style of life I’ve had for the past 25 years. Thats the law. That’s what Sallie got. “The day you meet one from whom you can't be apart, you may begin to understand love. The day you and that person have to part, you may begin to understand life.” I’m like a triage surgeon, but that’s like regular surgeon work I’m on an hour and a half break right now before my next hour and a half of DoorDash Ing and after that, I hope I have enough money to eat tonight and to be able to charge down to Ventura probably spend the night there because my parents come in at 9:15 and I need to go to the mall to charge the car to get up to Ojai get their bags and all the weight so. The other thing I realized my car smells awful. I am living in it so it smells like somebody’s bedroom and I don’t know what the fuck I should do about the smell because I can’t smell it. I know it’s there. I have to spend some time at car storage cleaning this thing out and only having essentials in it because I’m gonna need to pack them in their bags in this thing The back of my car looks like someone’s closet OK, enough money for coffee and egg bites and do some work Can’t get ahead. I’ve been toggling my card on and off so no bills can sneak in fucking Apple just jumped right in and fucking took my money That was $20 for dinner and charging my car to pick up my parents. My dash ended at 2 o’clock. I’m totally fucked. Goddamn, I can’t even get ahead at the fucking ground level. Do you see or understand why I want to give the fuck up I’ve hustled my ass through two DoorDash today and end up with five dollars in my pocket there is no way at least right now. I see how I can pick up my parents tomorrow because I have no money to put anything in my battery plus the stomach I’ve had growling all day isn’t gonna get fed so I’m just so disheartened by working so hard and ending up with nothing. But hey, at least the corporations are getting their money. You know we wouldn’t want them not to get their fucking money. What about me is an unemployed worker fuck you you can survive on your own I can’t fucking do this anymore. I just got done DoorDash and I can’t get back in. I’m not on the schedule and I have five dollars. I had planned on taking a $20 bill out at the ATM so I could then go get some food. I’m so upset right now. I’m just a fucking bunch of tears driving to go park my car and do nothing for the rest of the fucking day because I can’t eat or recharge or do shit. Wouldn’t it figure the first order I take I get there they’re out of what the customer wants, so then they asked me to cancel it and I have to go through a 10 minute chat with support to cancel the order, it was a little bananas, but it’s done still dashing right now only have $2.50 so far I did OK I made 30 bucks. And I’ve already spent someone food and I got myself one beer. My plan for tonight is right now. I’m at storage to clean out my car so there’s room for everybody and it’s not so smelly then I plan on driving down to Ventura And park in a spot I’ve parked before that’s near a Starbucks. That way in the morning I can get up go to Starbucks and chill because they’ll be a good chance. Train will And park in a spot I’ve parked before that’s near a Starbucks. That way in the morning I can get up go to Starbucks and chill because they’ll be a good chance. Train will be late. Thank you 100,000 times over for helping me out today. It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated at all. Hey, I forgot to mention that my dart league has an end of season barbecue and tournament. It’s an open tournament for all league players and the winner gets a gigantic trophy and gets their name put on it sits the bar I play out of so I guess what I’m saying is I would like to be here to go to that. That’s been the one and only seeing that is completely taken my mind off of everything else and I really enjoy the people. And on Saturday that would be yesterday, but it feels like a week ago, we won our last match of the season. I played incredibly well after making some adjustments to my footing.anyway, the owner of the garage, the bar we play at with suddenly playing against me, Chicago style, 501 cricket and if you need it 30 one double in double out. Anyhow, Jason had played soft tip for about 15 years and cricket was his game. He beat my ass in both games, but I was right on his heels. He Oost himself and said to me, I’ve heard about you. Needless to say, I was stunned first off, and it took me a second to register that in my brain. So then I replied to him, I’m really curious what you’ve heard about me. He then said to me oh I’ve talked with Brett who is the president of the league and a few other league admin and they all say very complementary things about you and that you’re a very nice guy, good guy. My mouth was shut but emotionally. My jaw was on the floor just stunned, but I was masking it like I hear what he says every day. I did say, any sort of casual tone oh wow, that’s really nice of everyone. I had no idea they would say that about me and then went on with our game. Anyway, I wanted to share that it just popped into my head and it’s amazing. I have that memory and texting here is probably the only, no of it anywhere because tomorrow morning, I will have forgotten that it ever happened And that may be part of my problem is that I hear nice things but I don’t let them pierce the veil I receive them but then it’s like when nobody’s looking, I kind of drop them. the analogy would be the kid who doesn’t want to eat peas on the dinner plate and when everyone’s looking, he takes a spoonful and puts it down into his hand so he can put it in his pocket. Only took my dad 10 minutes to get a verbal jab in on me based on my situation. I nearly said something, but I just let the silence sit. Dude, my dad just put hard press on me about a whole bunch of things. He told me that I don’t have a good earnings history. I don’t have a good job history. You know a lot of judgment. He literally said you never made any money and literally 30 seconds later he saying something entirely different and I said wait a minute you just told me you just said it literally look at that. He stopped me that isn’t what I mean. I say to him you said something and simple but that’s not what you mean? Like how the hell else am I supposed to take that? You never made any money like my working life. I’m venting a bit. They want me to stay at the hotel with them. And I don’t want to. Honest. Something my father can’t seem to understand is that I have to do this thing in my life my way. I have to process this and get over this through this my way you know just because I’m not taking a shit job at you know AutoZone, just you know so I can be fucking miserable every day. No I told him I have applied to the shit jobs and I still get rejected. I have applied more than once many of them. They first rejected me in New York before they rejected me and California. Anyway, I’ll stop now. I’m over at my storage place. Grabbing a few things and just getting an energy break from him. I’ve been with him since 1112-ish today so nine hours of my dad’s solid. That’s like going from zero to the international space station in that period of time I honestly can’t believe how fucking wiped out I am. Now that I’m away from his energy, and I had to stand there and defend myself and simultaneously by my tongue. And I had to be straight and direct with him. He kept wanting to draw comparisons to himself And while I appreciate him sharing his experience, I reminded him that the world is not like that anymore. People aren’t at the same job for 30 years. They don’t look at things the way they used to. I said if someone is at a job more than 24 months Younger people think that’s weird working 6 to 8 places inside of 10 years is a no-brainer My dad just can’t seem to wrap his head around that he doesn’t understand the Internet economy or the way people in the Internet work. He said to me tonight if you’re so experienced and so good why aren’t you working And I said because for every job, I’m well suited for as good as I am for that position there are probably 15 to 20 other people that have equal chops to me, so the hiring manager can pick exactly what they want and unless I’m exactly what somebody wants I just gotta keep going I mean, I know that one way to get out of this is not to keep looking for an opportunity, but for me to create my own opportunity. As much as I would so love to do that things like depression and CPTSD and ADD get in my fucking way. Really The business negotiation financial shit is just quantum physics to me or organic chemistry. It’s or mandarin Chinese. I just can’t get my head around it.

Jul 15, 2024 7:35:27 PM Me

Word

Aug 01, 2024 12:07:42 PM Me

Hi Brett, Apologies for missing the meeting last night. I’ve been busy preparing divorce paperwork, diy, this past week and its dredged up more than I bargained for. I’m doing ok, just going through some life stuff that’s no fun and hits hard. Again, apologies for missing the meeting—not intentional as I think you know I’m all in on darts. :+1: Thanks for understanding. Cheers. (sent to Slack as well)

Aug 02, 2024 4:03:05 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Hi Brett, what time and where is your points tutorial happening tomorrow? I can ALWAYS use math practice 😊

Aug 29, 2024 10:48:35 AM Me

Heidi, I hope you are well. I've been deep in shadow integration work this past week. Intense is putting it lightly. And from the outside you see me sipping my coffee all chill while an "existential crisis" happens in the brain 🤣 I had a question come to mind, and then you showed up in my mind. I think you may know the answer. How do you know you've met your twin flame? Are there any specific signs or 'tells' or synchronycities to watch out for? Asking for a friend, hahaha No, asking for me. I met someone who I cannot get out of my mind no matter what. Even with intentional—I need to move on—she keeps showing up as if to remind me about this or that with her. So, thank you for any insight you could provide. 🙏

Nov 03, 2024 6:26:59 PM Me

The Home Depot

Dec 05, 2024 12:20:08 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Attitude, Effort, Outcome.

Jan 10, 2025 3:28:03 PM Me

hi, my name is Bert Mahoney, and I found your number at https://www.boulderacudetox.org/ I live in Longmont, and I was released from the Dela Cava psychiatric Inpatient center yesterday after a 3 day stay. They highly recommended that I reach out to you and follow up for help now that I’m back outside in the world. I saw there is a clinic tonight from 6-7pm in Longmont. However, I am not sure if this is “drop-in” or I need an appointment to access these services. I have had extensive Acupuncture treatment over the years and am very comfortable with the experience and needles. Please Let me know if you have any questions, and thank you.

Jan 10, 2025 9:03:31 PM Me

onepassword://team-account/add?email=bert.mahoney%40gmail.com&key=A3-HZ9Y2E-TSHZSK-XL9QF-KW5HQ-SQP8F-KF4MC&server=https%3A%2F%2Fmy.1password.com%2F&avatar-url=https%3A%2F%2Fa.1passwordusercontent.com%2FZ2WJNWC7RFAZVNH4CZ4ZQN4XEY%2Fxaz4vgycwrbutfvk3f7qkfmj3m.png&account-name=J.+Bert+Mahoney+V

Sep 24, 2016 1:30:29 PM +13038752587

550 on wed + 250 Friday = 800